Remember Remember 5th of November

Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…

 

It slightly tickles me that the British celebrate the foiling of what we now call a terrorist attack.  While many other countries have a national holiday rooted in the overthrow of an oppressive government, Brits know that treason will NOT be tolerated.

 

These days the national holiday is known as Bonfire Night and is celebrated by creating and burning a very large pile of wood and also burning a Guy Fawkes in effigy followed by fireworks.  This year Helios and I are going to the local Bonfire Night with our neighbours on Saturday 7^th November.  We don’t get days off work on 5^th for the occasion – but then the occasion has been going on since the attempt to blow up the Parliament building in 1605.  As a Brit, I can now say that we’re slightly ahead of you there!  I expect the Founding Fathers in the US originally celebrated Bonfire Night before they decided not to pay their taxes and throw some tea into a certain harbour!

 

The first few years I found fireworks in the autumn (and in the cold) very strange indeed but, as with many other things, I’ve grown accustomed to it in the end.  I have a pair of Wellington Boots (mine have flowers on), I wear lots of layers and make sure I have a torch (Flashlight) to help on the walk there and back.  Also, there’s usually hot drinks available from local merchants.

 

I’m very much looking forward to it again this year.

 

Foxy

Beautiful Autumn

We had a long walk today along the canal where we used to go while we were dating.  It was beautiful and peaceful.  My mom would sometimes play a song called “Windmills of your mind”, in it there’s a line that I just love.  “The Autumn leaves were turning to the colour of her hair.”  I love that line: I can almost see the colours!

Getting there was a little chore.  We climbed into the car and Helios asked “Do you have the bread?” Of course I’d forgotten.  So we went back.  I went back in the flat and grabbed the bread but then thought I might need my asthma inhaler so I grabbed that and went back to the car.

Just at the end of the road, Helios said “You got the bread?”  To which I said, “no” and we turned around again so that I could get the bread.  I giggled with embarrassment and Helios managed to contain his frustration.

So when we got there, we fed the ducks, geese, coots and moorhens.  The geese were so gentle, Helios got them to take the bread from his hands.  Some of the coots seemed terribly hungry, crossing the canal as if they had a motor attached to their legs.  The leaves parted as the ducks paddled towards us.

We also saw a heron.  Beautiful and graceful it swooped and landed in a tree near the water.  It was breathtaking.  Of course, not much later one of the coots just managed to take flight while running across the water and flapping madly.  It sent me giggling to think that they’re both birds but one was so graceful while one just managed to wildly make it across the canal.

We saw even more wildlife on our walk…  Two white and ginger cats came along and insisted that we stop and worship them.  So we did.

I don’t have many symptoms at the moment.  I AM suffering from pretty serious PMT (Which is PMS if you live on the Western side of the Atlantic.) but I’m coping with the symptoms with Milk Thistle.  Beyond that, my health is on the good side of OK.  I’m eating well (a little too well with servings of Helios’ apple crumble or cookies at work), but I’m trying to fix that.  Of course, I’m experiencing some PCOS symptoms (I pulled out another dark chin-hair earlier this week.) but I’m hoping that when I get my diet back in order, that my symptoms will diminish again.

Foxy

British Summertime

British summertime ended last weekend.  This means that I’m walking to work in what feels like summertime weather, but by 5:30 the sky is dark and I’m carrying my torch to help everyone see me on the path.

 

The nice thing about the walk home on Monday was the smell.  I could smell rotting leaves, hay rack rides, wood burning stoves and spooky wanderings.  I would have enjoyed it more but I was coughing and coughing up the hill.

 

So I’m back at work.  I told my friends there that Helios wanted a meerkat or otter or ferret or a mongoose.  I was shocked and horrified to discover that they think I’m a kill-joy!  They even suggested that if he got an otter, that he could walk it downhill and let it swim in the river everyday.  I still don’t think it’s a good idea (and secretly I think he’s trying to soften me up so that I’ll finally say yes to a playstation or xbox).  Unfortunately the flat is far too small for such nonsense.  I get a bit funny when the recycling mounts up or when the place is untidy, and it doesn’t take long for it to seem very untidy indeed.

 

I’m still having extremely vivid dreams.  I woke up with a start on Monday and can still remember the dream.  My baby sister (in the dream) was pregnant and was taking me around all sorts of shops.  The shop that I remember vividly was a quilt shop with so many beautiful colours and patterns…  Of course, I’ve checked with her and she’s not pregnant (yet?)!  Normally I like to know what my dreams mean.  For instance, I think that dreams are another way of expressing an overriding emotion; however, that one has completely baffled me!

 

The only other news is that I’m following Manchester United and enjoying a new (proper!) football season.  I know you ding-dongs on the other side of the Atlantic call some strange ground-acquisition game “Football” but, since you don’t really use your feet to play it, I call what you call “soccer”, football.  I’ve always been told that converts are more zealous and I still consider myself an English Convert.  The gang at work think I’m more British than a lot of them; I think they’re not wrong.  I’ll have to elaborate later though…

 

Foxy

 

Baking and other news

Helios and I both like working in the kitchen.  We make cookies (or biscuits depending on what side of the Atlantic you’re on), brownies and crumbles.

So this afternoon when I was doing the dishes, Helios grabbed one of our cookie sheets and started to wave it while singing “Tie me Kangaroo down”.  He’s no Rolf Harris, but his beard is nicer than Rolf’s!

We donated an apple crumble (and of course Helios’ expertise) to the neighbours.  They have a little girl who is almost two and she’s the cutest little thing you’ve seen.  Her parents are both teachers and Helios gave them a friendly crumble twice already.  They polished off the first one within a day, so Helios wanted to treat them again.  He likes positive reinforcement for his cooking and a new audience is always welcome.

Staycation is over for me on Monday and it’s back to the grind.  I’ve bought another season ticket for my train journeys to and from work.  All my office clothing is clean.  Helios has offered to do the ironing tomorrow (isn’t he great?) so I think I’m ready for the final sprint towards Christmas.

I’ve been working the figures and I’m still not entirely sure I can afford to work where I’m at.  The good news is that I’ve managed to bring the mortgage payment down a bit and I found a good deal on home insurance while on Staycation.  Of course, I’m also tightening the belt at home – I always take my lunch with me these days, for example.  I will admit that I find it crazy that I can work 40 hours a week and not quite afford to live a little.  I’m sure an awful lot of people are in my boat at the moment, eh?  Still, I can’t really complain.  I’m healthy (except for my incessant cough) and happy.  I have a wonderful family and great friends.  Things could be worse!

Foxy

Men are like Dogs – Staycation

I’ve had to exfoliate Helios’ back and shave his neck while he was in the bath today. Even he said it must be a bit like having a dog… I still need to trim his moustache and beard, and even cut his hair, but the task is never a chore.

After his bath, he asked for an otter. (Did he want a toy in the bath? Of course, I said no). Then he asked for a ferret. (No.) A meerkat? (No!) A mongoose? (NO!) Then I was bombarded with logic – “You’ll be sorry if a snake gets into the flat. A mongoose would make mincemeat of a snake.” So I reminded him that I got a MAN so that HE could deal with any infestation of vermin. I think he’s still trying to soften me up so that I’ll agree to an Xbox. (No Helios!) I still maintain that the flat is far too small for any such nonsense!

You can easily say that I’m still enjoying my Staycation! I hope you stay healthy!

Foxy

Staycation

I had a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning and I was glad to get it out of the way.  While I already collected a couple of routine prescriptions, I also got to hop on the table and let another doctor look inside.  I usually make jokes just before and during the procedure “I’m sorry to do this to you first thing in the morning…” but this time it was harder to make jokes because it wasn’t just uncomfortable – it hurt.  Nevertheless, I made sure he got in there and got the samples – it’s easier than sitting around, suffering symptoms in silence. 

 

The strange thing about having an internal exam in Britain took quite a lot of getting used to.  In the US, your feet are planted in the stirrups with your bottom right at the end of the table with the doctor looking straight up the trumpet.  However in Britain I lay in the middle of the table with my legs bent, one flat on the table with the other bent leg against the wall.  After all these years, I still have no idea why doctors do it this way in this country.  I seem to remember the whole experience being much less uncomfortable over there.  I figure if a doctor has to bend over to see what’s going on in there, then the speculum moves too much or can twist inside which inevitably leads to OUCH! 

 

Well, for Mom’s sake, I was prescribed some antibiotics and I’m already feeling much better.

 

The rest of this week I’m planning to rest and not do too much at once.  So far, I’ve done just a little light housework and I’m expecting to sort out the mortgage product this week.  I’m enjoying having some time without the need to get up early every morning.  It’s nice to have some time to relax and recover (I have a nasty cold as well as this other – internal – issue.)  Helios has been looking after me throughout everything, as always.  Last week he made a gourmet chicken soup for us complete with plenty of garlic!  It’s good for you! 

 

Foxy

Starting a new job

I am now working for the Ministry of Justice.  I type and file and type and file some more.  So far I’ve not been asked to answer phones to the public – but I have done this a couple of times when absolutely everyone else was on the phone.  It’s an incredibly busy office with many many changes happening all around them.  Since I started they’ve put lots of new rules and obligations into place to help the place run more smoothly.  I can’t help but be impressed with the efforts being made.  Unfortunately, all that effort means that several staff have confided to me that they’re looking for another job.  Now, part of me is delighted (because I expect it means that they’ll have a space for me) but it seems that everyone that I really like is looking for work elsewhere.  Why would I want to ultimately stay somewhere that makes people I like hate the place?  Hmmmmmmmm.  I think it has to do with dealing with the public.

 

The strange thing about my office is that it’s full of people I seem to get on with.  While we all work hard, we also sometimes sing catchy tunes in the office – The Monkeys, The Beatles and Frank Sanatra as well as some other more recent tunes that I don’t know the words of but sing along to just the same.

 

To get to work I travel by train.  In the mornings, it’s a lovely walk.  I trot down the hill, past the shrubbery with the 20 or 30 Shouting Tits, and appreciate the late dawn light through the brightly coloured leaves.  Of course, the evenings are slightly different.  I stomp up the hill and notice how my heart is beating and my breathing is faster than Paula Radcliffe’s.  Needless to say, I’m hoping that all this walking will keep me in shape!

 

Something funny happened to me.  Helios walks to work and we normally meet at the train station so that he and I can walk up the hill together.  When his second office (the one next door to the train station) closed down he decided that he wanted to race me up the hill home.  So, instead, I got off the train at the stop before my town’s stop and ran up the hill to beat him.  And I won!  Well, I was giggling about getting home before him and he was just in the front door astounded and sweating demanding to know how I’d managed it!  I did say “I cheated” when he was in the other room.  When I say I said it, I mean I whispered it.  (hee hee!)

 

This went on for a few days.  The longer it went on, the more sure he was that I’d been cheating.  He didn’t get to the point of accusing me of taking a taxi from the station, but he was sure that I had found a short-cut of some description.  Finally, I told him and the look on his face was a real picture!  He was astounded.  He said he’d get me back for that.  I’m still waiting for it… 

 

Foxy

Sorry for the delay…

I’ve had a number of setbacks but am back online, thanks mainly to an extremely talented (and humble) Helios who has rebuilt my laptop more than once!

 

I now have a full time fixed term contract role which will come to an end in January.  It’s just great to know there’s money coming in and knowing that I’ll have work through the Christmas period.  It’s not a job that pays fantastically well but it’s giving me a bit of confidence and the people are just lovely! 

 

Physically I’ve been coping with my endometriosis very well, thank you very much.  Unfortunately enough time has gone by that my PCOS symptoms are starting to be more pronounced again.  My dreams are vivid and hard to forget.  I suffer from fatigue.  My ovaries are frequently burning and I have had Thrush more than once in the past month. 

 

The only health concern I have at the moment is the fact that I’m bleeding despite the fact that I’m in the middle of my cycle and taking the birth control pill.  It’s not heavy bleeding but (as I’m sure you can imagine) you don’t expect spotting in the middle of your cycle when you’re on The Pill.  I’m not in any pain, which I think is a little odd.  Yes Mom, I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday to start to get this sorted…

 

All this aside, I am enjoying life.  I have an amazing husband, a great little flat, a job that I enjoy (and I’m hoping they’ll extend my contract in January!) so I can’t really complain.

 

Anyway, now that I appear to have a machine that works I’ll be updating you more often.

 

Foxy

National Health Service in the US?

I have a friend in the US that I met through my blog.  Not only does she have Endometriosis but she also has Lupus.  I honestly have no idea how she copes!  Unfortunately, at the moment, I think the answer is that she isn’t coping. 

Her last laparoscopy was 2 1/2 years ago and her Endo is so bad that she’s in pain for two weeks per month.  I asked her when her next surgery is scheduled and she cannot afford it.  She’s blacklisted from health insurance because of her Lupus.  How can anyone be expected to cope if they’re blacklisted from health insurance, they have no access to health care and they can’t hold down a job because of the pain?!?  How, in the most wealthy country on the planet, can you people let this happen?  How can anyone deny appropriate health care to anyone? 

Anyone who knows me will know how Endometriosis can be – such severe and violent pain that it has in the past lead me to 1) giving myself third degree burns and scars on the small of my back in an effort to alleviate the pain; 2) vomit from pain; 3) being unable to walk due to shooting pains from my back down into my legs; 4) missing school, work and generally not being able to have a normal life on a regular basis due to the pain.  I once described Endometriosis pain like this: have you ever had a leg cramp wake you up in the night?  Endometriosis pain is like that but I get it in my lower back mostly and it’s in a place where I just can’t stretch it to alleviate the pain. 

After surgery, I’m a normal woman again.  Sure, I have period pain but I take a couple of paracetamol (that’s acetaminophen to you in the US) and carry on with life.  Surgery is not a cure for Endometriosis but it does allow a sufferer to have a remotely normal life until the build up occurs again.

 On top of this, my friend has Lupus.  While I am not personally familiar with Lupus, I know that it effectively prevents her from receiving health insurance in the US.  So, how on EARTH does anyone get adequate treatment once they have a chronic condition in the US?  How does anyone over there justify the greed of insurance companies and drug manufacturers??  How can you people sleep at night?!?

 It makes me SO ANGRY to think of the thousands of my sisters in chronic suffering are never going to be as fortunate as me.

When I talk to more fortunate Americans (who don’t have chronic conditions) they don’t want more tax; they think that health care shouldn’t be a right; they think that people with chronic conditions are lazy. 

I don’t think that health care is a right.  It’s a service that I pay for in my taxes – just like the fire and police service. 

 Why should you pay insurance premiums for something that won’t cover you as soon as you get something that’s 1) difficult to treat; 2) leaves you with chronic symptoms; 3) has no cure.  Wouldn’t you prefer to pay for a service that 1) treats your illness; 2) gives you a standard fee for prescriptions; 3) treats you with dignity.

Foxy

Metaphors and a Health Update

Dreams help us make sense of the waking world around us.  Some people believe that dreams are the windows onto other dimensions, but I’ve got a much more down-to-earth view of them.  I think that dreams are metaphors of your waking life.  

For instance, I woke up this morning in a bit of a terror.  I had been dreaming that I was in an office building with three floors.  There were windows across from the open elevator.  Now, when I say the elevator was open, I mean that there were only thin bars around the standing area and the buttons for the floors were on one of these bars.  There was no protective glass to contain the people.  I was standing to the right side and slightly away from the buttons, holding the bar with my right hand.  I could see my reflection in the slightly bronzed mirror.  I think I may have been preparing for an interview?  I must have pushed the wrong button because I went straight to the top. 

The problem grew as the floors passed.  There were only floors at ground and first floor level.  I wound up suspended in the air not quite near enough to the buttons to get me to a safe level and I found myself gazing in the mirrors.  I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get back down.  I clutched the right hand bar and tried not to look down…  I was shaking when I woke up.

Objectively, I know what this is about.  I am still terrified, even though I don’t let myself feel it during my waking hours, that I will find a job and I will be able to make ends meet.  I know for the moment my savings is keeping me afloat but I’d obviously be happier stopping off at the right floor of that office building and starting work rather than be left hanging!

I was wondering if I should take the opportunity to re-train as something else.  Trouble is that I would need to know what direction to go in, and above a certain amount of money in order to keep the roof over my head.  I’ve thought about teaching, palm reading, gardening, wedding planning and at one point I was considering creative writing for a living – or at least adding to my pocket while I’m looking for a full-time job.  I know it’s a strange mixture of professions (if you can call palm reading a profession!) but I thought I may as well consider everything – no matter how odd! 

(As an aside, and because I know my mother worries, Helios does contribute to the household.  I don’t want any of you thinking that he’s taking advantage of me!  He’s always contributed to the household and I’m only worried about the rest of the household bills.  I won’t go bankrupt anytime soon because I still have money in my savings account, but I’d obviously feel more comfortable with a job!)

 So, I’m back to looking for an office job.  The good news is that the Summer Holiday season is nearly upon us and I expect I’ll at least get temp work over the summer holidays.  The agency I visited yesterday said that they should be able to find me some work – even if it’s not permanent – because the market seems to be picking up again and temps are the first to feel the uptake in the market.  So, I’ve got everything crossed and I’m hoping I’m not left dangling in the air!

In other news, I have been busy staying out of trouble.  My energy levels are much more than they were.  I have been cooking and cleaning and washing the laundry and I’m happier about keeping positive.  Oh, this doesn’t mean I don’t have darker days.  But for the most part I’m feeling brighter.  I think I’ve always been a happy soul and it’s nice to feel like my old self again.

Now that I’m basically concentrating on treating my endometriosis symptoms, my PCOS symptoms have come back.  My endo treatment consists of running my birth control pill packs together and having fewer periods per year.  I’m still on my insulin resistant diet – lower carbs and higher veg and protein.  I am allowed a serving or two of fruit per day but by in large I need my vitamins from the veg.  (YES Mom, I am also taking a multi-vitamin every day with breakfast!)  More recently I started taking Prozac and another anti-depressant to help me get to sleep at night. The sleeplessness is a PCOS symptom.

 Normally the treatment for PCOS is HRT to add oestrogen to my body that’s lacking due to the cysts on my ovaries.  I tried HRT but it fed my endometriosis and I had to have another laparoscopy back in November.  So, now I’m trying to ignore my PCOS symptoms including the sleeplessness and dark hair in places a girl doesn’t want hair.  I’ve also got the beginnings of a decent bald patch at the back of my head – I’m totally covered at the moment but am much thinner than I was.  Finally, my vaginal burning hasn’t been too bad recently.  I think I get that when I stray from my strict diet.  I can’t tell you why there’s a link there, I’ve just found that when I take a little too much carbohydrate, I get the familiar pain… 

While I know that I will never feel as healthy as I did in my 20s, I’m managing my symptoms as best I can.  I think I need to be realistic about my body and be grateful that my good days are still outnumbering the bad!

Foxy

Endometriosis, PCOS, Insulin Resistance and any other maladies I can think of…

Let me introduce myself.  I am 37.  I live in England but am originally American.  This means that it doesn’t matter how I spell things – it will always be wrong!  I have a number of issues – listed above – and I have finally lost my patience with my body. 

 

Instead of going on an alcohol and ammunition fuelled rampage, I’ve decided to go on line and have a moan instead. 

 

Endometriosis

The websites I have seen say that the first symptoms of Endometriosis are when women appear to have a hard time conceiving but I think that I first had Endometriosis issues when I first started my periods – at the tender age of 12.  Back then I would vomit from the pain.  I suppose at least back then there was a physical effect that everyone could see even though no one appeared to know that my problem was Endometriosis.  Since then I’ve had to learn how to express what pain I have and how strong it is – what drugs work and what else I have to do when the drugs don’t help (hot water bottles, stretching and rolling around in bed in agony).

 

Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

I first learned that I have PCOS back in 2005 but still don’t quite understand how or why it all works.  If I’m not mistaken, my ovaries are covered in cysts and this affects my oestrogen levels.  This means that I’m plagued by another silent malady.  I’d have more sympathy if I were bleeding from the eyes but, of course, since there are no overt symptoms everyone thinks that I’m completely normal and they have no idea why I’m pulling my hair out.

 

Insulin Resistance

Yet another silent malady that wasn’t diagnosed until 2005.  I like to call this pre-diabetes since everything that I have to do to control my insulin levels are similar to the things that someone that someone with diabetes has to do – I take Metformin and I’m on a low carbohydrate, low glycaemic load diet. 

 

All Together Now

It’s not easy.  Luckily I’ve got a fantastic husband who is patient and looks after me (even when I don’t want him to).  It’s hard to feel attractive and happy when I’m in pain.  I don’t feel sexy when I’ve grown hair in places a girl shouldn’t have hair.  Again, it’s nice to be in a relationship where I don’t have to worry about trying to be perfect.  I am just myself and we’re comfortable together.

 

I’ve therefore chosen a pen-name that reflects how I feel about myself – sometimes.

 

Foxy

PCOS and Insulin Resistance

 

I also suffer from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and Insulin Resistance

Symptoms of PCOS include but are not limited to: acne, infrequent and/or irregular periods, difficulty/inability to lose weight, body hair in places a lady doesn’t want body hair, vaginal pain, regular Thrush (yeast) Infections, lack of sleep and/or vivid dreams that you very clearly remember. 

 

I ask you, would you put all that together and say “There’s something wrong with my ovaries!”, I certainly didn’t.  A simple scan showed the benign cysts on my ovaries back in 2005.  Of course, whenever anyone says “cyst” to me I immediately thought “Cancer” but PCOS is not remotely related to cancer. 

 

PCOS is, however, somehow related to Insulin Resistance - I have been told there is a correlation between them.  For all intents and purposes, I consider Insulin Resistance to be pre-diabetes.  I take Metformin and control my symptoms with a similar diet to someone with diabetes so I feel lucky that I’ve been caught before things get worse.  The doctors haven’t worked out yet how or why there should be a correlation between PCOS and Insulin Resistance but I’m only in a position to accept what I’ve been given and move on. 

 

As well as endometriosis, these two disorders have had a tremendous effect on my day to day life.  My new diet springs to mind.  At the time I was diagnosed, I had a vegetarian husband and I was too busy to make two meals of an evening.  So I became a pretty decent veggie cook.  I had started to put on a little weight but nothing too drastic.  I think I’d gone up a dress size or two but put that down to my age and possible slowing metabolic rate.  I took regular exercise. 

 

But then I had my first surgery in 2005.  I found myself in the bed after the surgery and the doctor said to me shaking his finger, “You need to eat some meat!”  The next thing I knew I was with a dietician and I am now eating meat at every meal.  I’m watching the carbohydrate intake and I’m feeling good – well, I’m feeling OK.  I’m only now beginning to think that I’ll never feel as good as I did in my 20s ever again. 

 

I think my problem with PCOS overall is because the symptoms are so varied I never feel terribly on top of them all.  I’m obviously not happy.  I find the worst symptoms to live with are: lack of sleep, wild and vivid dreams, the vaginal burning and the regular occurrence of Thrush.

 

I tend to sleep best only once every three nights.  On that third night my dreams are so long and vivid I feel as though I’ve not slept at all.  Now, I’ve always had odd dreams and remember some of them (possibly more than most people?), even when I was a kid!

These days I entertain friends with tales of yellow and green fish who are 10 feet tall and wind surfing, I’m in the water too but I’m walking to a nearby city that I can see with my new husband (Where am I, Venice?).  I’ve dreamt of being in the wild west travelling in a Cadillac to a ranch with all my work colleagues where we take a wrong turning.  We go into a roped-off area and we’re all watching a 100 foot tall bull called Titanic!  

 

I’ve also dreamt of being on a road trip with a bus load of people and I’m watching my sister back in the 1970s (She was born in 1983 – so it’s well before her time.) and we stop off at this country kitchen restaurant where everyone is expected to eat mashed potatoes, fried chicken and green beans together at long tables - it has thick dark wood furniture (for those of us wanting food) the windows were decorated in greens and pink cabbage roses.  I’m at the till surrounded by big bags of boiled sweets and penny gum balls and strange cross-stitched pillows but I’m not allowed any of the sweets because I’m Insulin Resistant, so I’m looking at the pillows and my sister is only 3 so she’s trying to wander off again and I’m following her. 

 

I’ve also dreamt of being perched on John Travolta’s shoulders in order to fix the top right hand corner of a movie screen.  Do all these dreams mean that I’m crazy?  Or is this just the sort of thing that normal people forget and it’s not important for me to remember?  It has to be said that with all this movement at night, it’s no wonder I feel tired during the day – my brain hasn’t rested!  It regularly goes to REM sleep and no deeper.  Or maybe my brain does go deeper but not for long enough.  Either way the result is that I’m regularly exhausted.

 

Drifting off to sleep isn’t the easiest thing either.  I’ve regularly been awake until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. and up at 7:00 a.m.  I’m barely functioning at the office by the end of the week.  I have been known to take afternoon naps at the weekend.  I’m joking with my friends that I’m looking forward to my next surgery so that I can get some sleep!

Diet

Diet is such an awful word, isn’t it?  It sounds like I weigh 50 tonnes and am unable to leave the house.  The fact that I’m a UK size 10 (US dress size 6) gives you quite the opposite impression. 

 

You may recall that, as well as Endometriosis, I also suffer from PCOS and Insulin Resistance.  For Insulin Resistance I take Metformin and I am on a special diet.  I keep a note of everything I eat along with the severity of my symptoms.  It’s hard going sometimes but I try and keep my chin up.

 

Breakfast is now a very dull affair – I have eggs everyday.  Living in England, I should try and get used to fish at breakfast but I cannot seem to stomach it.  For lunch I cannot have sandwiches (too much carbohydrate) so a quick lunch at my desk is not an option.  I have to eat something with meat, veg and a little carbohydrate.  I usually choose a salad.  Dinners are much easier because I can take the time to cook something.  No more Fish and chips! Stir fries are easy.  Soup is always a decent option and, luckily, I am allowed vegetarian protein so I occasionally make Chilli con Veggie. 

 

The essential thing is to have protein at every meal.  I hate eating meat.  Do you know how awful it is to try and force yourself to eat something that you really don’t fancy?  When I was first diagnosed with my maladies, I was a vegetarian.  I still sometimes look at my food and think “Oh joy, more Death on a plate!”  I hate bones.  I hate the texture of burgers and sausages – all that gristle is just disgusting!  I’ve found the best way to cope with it is to laugh – I mean, the rest of my life has been a complete 180 in the past 3 years or so, so I should have expected this.

 

Luckily I am allowed peanut butter.  I love peanut butter but I have to be careful which brand I buy – there are so many ones with sugar added!  I recently bought one without checking the label and I was disgusted to not only taste the sugar but also find the texture of the sugar in my teeth.  I thought I was eating gravel!  It was awful.  I’ve come to the realisation that not enough people read the labels on things.  I’m sure that if more people were concerned about exactly what they eat, there wouldn’t be so much salt and sugar in foods. 

 

I find myself growing militant about what I eat as I fill in a Food Diary to help me manage my symptoms.  I’ve found I have to be very strict – the slightest deviance at the wrong time of day can affect me for days.  This doesn’t mean I can’t have any fun though.  I have been known to have a small square of no sugar dark chocolate at lunchtime as a dessert.  I must be sensible.  My health depends on it.

 

It’s not only what I eat I have to be careful with.  Drinks are tricky too.  I must avoid juice drinks as much for the natural as for the added sugars.  Caffeine is another no no because it initiates an Insulin response.  AND even when I choose a decaff Café Latte the amount of sugar in the milk (yes there is natural sugar in milk!) gives me symptoms.  This means that I really shouldn’t have coffee at all.  I have therefore learned a new appreciation for herbal teas – I love Jasmine tea and would highly recommend it!

 

My diet is really strange because I rarely feel hungry.  I eat because I know if I don’t, I’ll feel like passing out.  I know, complaining I’m not hungry sounds quite dumb.  I would be happier if I occasionally had an appetite.  But eating for the sake of not passing out rather than fancying something means that I don’t enjoy food like I used to.  That makes me sad.  I was once a great cook but now that I’m not taking the joy in my food, I take less joy in cooking.  But, I’m going to be doing this for the rest of my life, so I need to get used to it. 

 

I know it’s just a process and I’ll probably start to enjoy cooking again once my palette settles.  I’ll keep you posted.  Hey, I might even suggest a recipe or two!

 

Foxy

Sleep and Dreams

 

One of the stranger symptoms of PCOS is vivid dreams.  Strangely I consider this a positive even though it also means that I suffer exhaustion often.  I’ve had strange dreams for as long as I can remember so perhaps my PCOS symptoms affected me even when I was young? 

 

I like remembering my dreams because I feel that dreams are a metaphor for life.  OK, they’re extremely strange, but I think that metaphors shouldn’t always immediately make sense.  For instance, once many moons ago, when I was still married to the first of my husbands, Ramman, I dreamt I was trapped in an airport where people were periodically rounded up and shot.  Me being me, I tried to escape through a tour bus through a door labelled “Chaos”.  It took me through the Land of Chaos which resembled medieval peasant life – poor, hungry and muddy.  I stayed on the tour train and arrived back at the airport.  I then organised a rebellion.  I was upset to leave one nice lady behind in the bank.  She was physically attached to her till.  She had no legs but instead had a 50s style chrome bar stool where her lower body should have been and was hard wired into the systems.  She was sad that I was leaving but wished me luck.  I then gathered as many people together as I could and we all stormed the entrance.

 

I still have strange nightmares about when I was married to Ramman.  Once, I was trying to park his Mercedes SLK while he was overlooking and - after many attempts - I gave up, got out of the car, and walked away. 

 

There was another one where I was trapped in a Manchester United lorry/bus type thing at an away Manchester United game with Ramman when I heard Helios’ whistle (He always whistles the same “Sooty” whistle to birds.  I like to think that he’s trying to communicate.)  I can’t see him because it’s dark so I run from window to window in the excitement when I think “Hey! Let’s just call out to him.” So I wind down the window and shout out “Helios!”  Next thing I know Nani runs to my window and not Helios.  Nani says to me that Helios was going to be late and please don’t shout out like that because he thought that I had been hurt.  Nani walked away from me rolling his eyes.  When Helios did arrive he’d somehow changed: he had Ramman’s personality.  He told me not to upset the players “For God’s Sake!”.  I am still trying to live up to a level of perfection that I know I’ll never manage to achieve.  In life, we’re not always told which way is right and I sometimes do things wrongly (I am human, you know.) only to rake myself over hot coals afterwards for doing things wrongly.  It’s a character flaw of mine and it’s something that I don’t like about myself. It is something that I was having counselling for during my divorce from Ramman so maybe a dream like this is just another way of reminding myself not to worry so much about being perfect in the eyes of others.

 

These days I still dream but the subject is more a process – a journey.  I’m usually in a car or walking.  Last night I was walking through a tunnel trying to get home.  I was not wearing a brightly coloured jacket and so I was afraid that the cars would hit me.  I stopped off at a shop and bought something.  In these dreams I’m usually just going to or from something.  I think that this means that I’m just accustomed to life going to and from work.  Life is a journey, isn’t it?  

 

Of course I also have very odd dreams that never seem to make sense at all.  For instance, once I was a gaucho in South America trying to track down a bass guitar once owned by the chap from Dire Straits.  The guitar I was looking for was dark purple with an orchid in each of the twiddly bits that tune the strings. Where did that one come from, eh?  I had another one where I was flying and I managed to control my altitude with my breath.  Mad isn’t the word – Bonkers is more like it!

 

Finally, I think the best thing about these mad, crazy, bonkers dreams is that I never know what will happen next.  I told my gynaecologist that I wanted to write a book containing some of them but I fear I’ll never find a plot that will easily cope will all my madness…  I’ll share them with you instead.

 

Foxy

Laparoscopy – What to Expect

For kasdaniels, and anyone else who may be starting down the Endometriosis road.

 

DON’T PANIC

 

A laparoscopy is currently the only way to diagnose Endometriosis.  So, anyone having a laparoscopy will 1) have the peace of mind knowing for certain what is causing the pain 2) get appropriate treatment for what ails you and 3) possibly join a wonderful group of women who know exactly what you’re going through.

 

As for the surgery itself, I can’t say what exactly will happen to you, but I will tell you what has happened to me – I’ve had two and am scheduled for a third, so I do have some experience in this area. 

 

What to bring to the hospital: overnight gear such as a toothbrush, toothpaste, a book (or something else to pass the time), and clothing for the next morning should include jogging bottoms with a draw-string top – elastic can be uncomfortable!

 

You probably have some hospital literature telling you to fast and what time to get to the hospital.  What they won’t tell you is just how long you’ll have to wait when you get there.  Don’t worry, fasting won’t kill you.  You’ll be uncomfortable on the day, but you will be allowed to eat after the surgery.  The hospital may tell you that you’ll be allowed to go home the same day, but I would recommend staying in hospital overnight – just so that you are monitored. 

 

Before my first operation, I was given a local painkiller anally by suppository but the second time this was administered once I was asleep, so you may want to be prepared for that.  As I don’t deal very well with people being interested in that area of my body, I was a bit shocked to say the least!  The good news is that it doesn’t hurt.

 

The next thing the nurses do is put an annular in the back of your hand – this will enable the doctors to administer injections without making you look like a pincushion.  This is uncomfortable but does not hurt. 

 

Finally I was given sadly unfashionable garments (under which you will be frightfully airly clad – not the kind of garments to go on Strictly Come Dancing!) and wheeled into a room where my anaesthetist was waiting.  She administered the anaesthesia by the annular (which did not hurt) and I found myself drifting off despite my nerves.

 

Then the magic occurred.  While I was asleep, I was given three fetching holes in my belly, gas was injected so that the surgeon could see what he was doing, and the Endometriosis was lasered off like a Star Trek episode.  After my first operation, in the Recovery room, I felt fantastic when I came around – initially I didn’t know where I was and I tried to climb off the table!  After my second laparoscopy I realised where I was and had a very nice chat with a nurse until I was taken back to my room.

 

I’ve had a laparoscopy twice.  Both times I stayed in the hospital overnight afterwards.  The first time was because I felt a bit sick after I had some food but it wasn’t serious.  It was a good thing because I spent most of that night awake reading.  The second time was because I wanted to stay in – just in case. 

 

Now, I’m not going to lie to you.  Your wound sites will hurt.  Take all the pain medications they offer you.  There’s no point in being in pain needlessly.  Also, you will want to sleep on your back for a few days.  Moving around will be difficult but not impossible: I was able to go to the toilet on my own the very evening after my first operation!  Make sure to roll onto your side and use your arms before you try to sit up.  Don’t overdo it. 

 

There are two bits of advice I can give you.  Firstly, on the way home from hospital, tell whoever is driving to take it steady and you need to hold your belly in a little (using your stomach muscles).  I say this because any giggling around will be uncomfortable on your stomach.

 

The second bit of advice I can give is for after you get home.  Take a mild laxative for use overnight.  I say this because after the first operation I had a terrible time with my first bowel movement.  Believe me, any abdominal trouble you have feels ten times worse when you’ve got holes in your belly.

 

Finally, if you’re facing a laparoscopy, remember that this is a routine operation.  It won’t hurt as much as you think it will.  If you are diagnosed with Endometriosis, you will join a group of extraordinary women.  We suffer terrible pain with no known cure and generally unsatisfactory treatment, but we do it with dignity.

 

Good luck.

 

Foxy

Hormones and Moods

I’m shaking.  I’m not very good at dealing with crowds sometimes and when my fuse is short I wind up wanting to shout at the doddering old dears who block the aisles and back into me and bump me with their trolleys.  When my fuse is short I have to keep reminding myself that it’s just my hormones.  However, suffering the irretrievably stupid is difficult sometimes!

 

Mind you, I suspected that I shouldn’t go to the shops today because I was shaking even before I left the flat.  Normally the best thing for me when I’m in this kind of state of mind is just sitting down in front of the TV and not doing anything – not even the dishes – because as soon as I do Helios starts to get underfoot (which is unfair on him as the flat is entirely miniscule and at least he’s drying the dishes which is a great help) and I just want to slap him. 

 

So instead of another Star Trek disc, I’ve decided to bore you with tales of my utter frustration.  Although my upcoming surgery doesn’t have anything to do with my polycystic ovaries, I keep thinking that if I didn’t have ovaries that my hormones (or lack thereof) will be more evenly distributed throughout the month.  However, being on an even keel isn’t so good if the even keel means that I’m still coping with extremely low oestrogen levels.  So which is worse, no ovaries and HRT for as long as I can beg it from my doctors or continuing on as I am and taking The Pill to ensure no unwanted pregnancies together with extremely low oestrogen levels because my ovaries are so crap they may as well be thrown in the bin?  It’s not as though I’m not on HRT and suffering menopausal symptoms already!  I can’t help but think that I would be happier if it was all taken out so that I can start to heal.

 

My largest issue with a full hysterectomy is sex.  This is the subject that leaves me in a terrible quandary.  I’m finally in a relationship where I’m not just emotionally but also physically happy and now I’m contemplating changing my body in a way that may effect my desire and the way that I enjoy sex.  Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to take The Pill anymore?  Won’t it be nice not to get frustrated and short fused for no apparent reason?  But will it effect how I enjoy being physical?  There are no answers.  Oddly, I would be happy to suffer a lot of these symptoms if it means that I still am comfortable in the bedroom.  Being physical means that much to me.

 

Just to be clear, my upcoming surgery isn’t a hysterectomy – I’m actually having a laparoscopy for my endometriosis.  I can’t help but think about a hysterectomy, my frustration with my symptoms has brought me to the subject on my own without help from the doctors.  It’s not as though the doctors (who to be fair have been trying to help) have been terribly successful in treating all my symptoms.  My desperation has led me to the subject and the doctors are now trying to tell me that it’s a drastic solution and, of course, irreversible.  It’s not as though I want children!  I’m so fed up with the symptoms of both PCOS and endometriosis that I would like to scoop it all out.  I’ve had symptoms since I was 12 – that’s 25 years!  Is anyone surprised that I’m nearly at wit’s end?  Luckily, I have had a promise from one of my gynaecologists that she would give me a hysterectomy if this laparoscopy doesn’t help. 

 

But why am I so shaky today?  Is it because I’m worried about the surgery?  No.  I’ve had laparoscopic surgeries before.  I’ve had my pre-assessment at the hospital and I’m relaxed about what I can expect.  I am concerned about what they’ll find.  Or rather what they won’t find.  Sometimes it would be nice to find one problem and they can deal with it rather than finding a number of problems that will need a bit of tinkering to achieve a balance.  For example, I keep wondering if my IBS symptoms are interfering with how I feel about my gynaecological symptoms.  Or perhaps the endometriosis is affecting my bowels and leaving me with IBS symptoms?

 

I’m also frustrated that my vaginal burning is so bad today.  You know, I thought that it would get a little better when I showered this morning but no.  I’ve put my usual cream on but it only helped for about an hour.  Now I feel like I’ve got a red-hot poker there.  I can’t sit or stand or move comfortably.  Why is it that everything is taking so long to sort out?  All these symptoms!  I’m not convinced that the surgery will take care of all my issues. 

 

I’m not normally so downtrodden.  I promise to write something more positive next time.

 

Foxy

Men are like Dogs

 

I’m not saying men sleep around.  No.  What I’m saying is that sometimes men remind me of dogs.

 

The first incident when I thought my male friends were like dogs was several years ago.  I was following Ramman and his best friend to the pub when we ran into another couple.  The male with the other couple was disturbingly drunk and displaying threatening behaviour.  He postured and growled at us and my male companions did the same to him.  I walked away from the group to encourage my men to leave the couple alone and the other lady did the same.

 

I felt like I was out walking my dogs on a lead and I was dragging my dogs away from a woman with her dog.

 

Since then I’ve come across other circumstances when I thought that the men I know are a little dog-like.  When I was first married to Ramman, his best friend spent most of his time with us, even staying overnight in the guest bedroom.  Mom called him “the lodger” when she came to visit!  On my first anniversary with Ramman, romantically, the three of us went out to the pub, had a curry and then his friend showed us his lily-white butt on the way home. 

 

Ramman’s best friend used to eat food out of the bin.  He said that I threw away perfectly good food until he finally got food poisoning – but not from my cooking!

 

I don’t know if it’s jealousy or if it’s the need to protect those that they love that reminds me of a dog but I believe I’m right in thinking that we’re not far off as far off animals as we’d like to believe. 

 

Am I right in thinking men are motivated by food and sex much more than women?  I asked Helios what it was that made him want to marry me and the two answers were sex and my cooking.  Funnily enough, I found his answer strangely comforting.

 

I told Helios that I thought that men were sometimes like dogs.  Instead of being offended, he reminded me that he likes to sleep on the side of the door – because he likes to protect me.  Since I’ve mentioned my men-like-dogs observation, I’ve been put in charge of his grooming.  I cut Helios’ hair and remove lint from his bellybutton!  Most mornings I get “sent-marked” once he’s put on his cologne so I have to ensure that I like his colognes too.  When he wears a cologne that I don’t like, he chases me around the flat.  I then make sure I get him back with my perfumes.

 

I must admit, I’m glad I’ve got a man and not a dog.  I think between the two, my man is less messy than a dog – but only just!

 

Foxy

It’s a Lemon!

Wow!  I’ve just been awarded The Lemon Award from Endochick at Endometriosis: the silent life sentence.   The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who have an attitude of caring – and I expect of turning life’s lemons into lemonade.  The award has indeed brightened my week!  My most grateful thanks.

Following the spirit of the award I pass it onto the following people who I think need some recognition:

1.  My mom (I know she’s not a blogger, but I think you’ll all agree that after her car died on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, she needs something to brighten her day!  It’s still not fixed and it’s precisely at times like these that I hate living in England – I’m far too far away to lend her a hand.  Mom, have some lemonade.)

2. My sister (Do you see a pattern here?  My sister is a blogger but her’s is about her career.  She’s a great gal.  Have some lemonade, sweetheart!)

3. Emmy’s Thoughts http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/

4. Alex at The In’s & Out’s of Endo http://theinsandoutsofendo.blogspot.com/ 

5. and finally, http://i-am-not-endo.blogspot.com/

The spirit of the award requires me to name 10 people/bloggers who really deserve it but, as I’m still relatively new at this whole blogging thing, I’m not aquainted with a wide variety of blogs.  I’ll try and sound more professional going forward…  In the meantime, I expect that you can give yourself some lemonade too. 

Foxy

PCOS and Fatigue

I was recently reading through some of the Facebook posts from women with PCOS and I found a long-running wall asking if anyone else is tired all the time?  OMG!!  When am I not tired?!?

 

On all the “official” PCOS sites no one mentions fatigue but I’m exhausted!  Seeing all the comments, it made me realise that while this Syndrome has been known to the medical profession for 75 years (if the gal on Facebook is correct), it seems to me that doctors don’t know all the symptoms to look for!  I rarely sleep and when I do I dream some wild vivid dreams that makes Helios think I’m completely off my trolley. 

 

It’s the concentration and fatigue issues that affect my job.  I get so tired that I find myself crying in the office.  I know part of this is stress-related; however, the stress effects my concentration which affects my stress which starts the no-win situation that leaves me unable to sleep. 

 

It’s not just the lack of sleep that’s the problem.  It’s my strange woolly-head that makes me unable to concentrate.  It’s as if I’m drunk or feint.  Some days I fear getting behind the wheel. 

 

I’m not saying I don’t want to work – far from it!  BUT instead of slogging myself to death, it would be nice to do something I enjoyed and where I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat thinking about all the many things that I cannot hope to accomplish in a mere 7 hours.  I’m finding my life increasingly difficult to cope with.  I cannot help but wonder if my problem is stress, sleeplessness, or a mixture of the two. 

 

One thing is for sure: I cannot carry on crying in the toilets at work!

 

Still, I’ve got my chin up – I’m having my next laparoscopy on Monday and a whole week off to sleep!  Things have got to improve after that.

 

Foxy

 

Laparoscopy

I finally had my surgery yesterday.  I’ve had a laparoscopy before – that’s where they go into your stomach via the belly button, fill you with gas so they can see what they’re doing, and then they poke a further two holes in you a little further South.  The rest is all about what they find and what they do about it.  I must admit that I was rather hoping that they would have found something that would have made them say “Foxy, let’s give you a hysterectomy!” but that’s not happened.  Unfortunately, I expect the surgeon would have said that if he thought that I should have it by now. 

 

In the meantime I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach and I’m walking around the flat like an 80 year old.  Again, I mention Helios who took a number of days off work as holiday to take me to hospital look after me.  I haven’t had to lift a finger!  The food and drinks arrive regularly along with my tablets.  I get led and steadied everywhere I go and when I need to get up in the night, he’s patient and helps me to the toilet.  Ladies, if you ever get one who’s this good – keep hold of him with both hands!

 

I didn’t like the hospital.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted that the procedure is done but when I get to the place and I have to explain – more than once – what Insulin Resistance is and why I need protein at breakfast rather than just tea and cakes – it just doesn’t instil confidence, does it?  Honestly, everything on the breakfast menu was carbohydrate!  Cakes, toast, fruit and yoghurt – there was nothing there with an ounce of protein.  I put my request in and got some rolling eyes and more questions about Insulin Resistance.  Despite this, I tried to remain cheerful.  Later when I was on the table ready for surgery, I sung “Goodnight Sweetheart it’s time to go” as my anaesthetist gave me something to help me sleep… 

 

The endometriosis was widespread – located mostly on my womb, ovaries and bladder.  There was some on my bowel as well and it’s now been vaporised.  My surgeon said that I shouldn’t have HRT because HRT feeds endometriosis.  Isn’t that great.  Someone else hasn’t quite grasped the fact that I’m in a Catch 22 – if I’m taking things to help me cope with my polycystic ovaries it feeds my endometriosis, and if I am taking things to help me cope with my endometriosis my PCOS symptoms get far far worse.  It’s little wonder I want a hysterectomy – but I digress. 

 

The pain from the surgery hasn’t been unmanageable but there is some pain – I cannot stand up straight just yet.  I have to sleep on my back.  And where the evil nurse gave me an injection in my arm for my nausea – that still hurts.  Sneezing is scary and I’m trying hard not to get anything irritable up my nose.  Laughing isn’t an option either.

 

I have been told that pain in the shoulders is one of the side-effects of a laparoscopy – something to do with the gas that blows you up.  I’ve never had this problem but I expect this is because I’m a bit of a wriggler and movement is the best thing for any pain in the shoulders in this instance.

 

So surgery isn’t as scary as you may think.  It’s actually great if it helps and, these days, a laparoscopy is quite routine and far better than being cut from stem to stern to find endometriosis!

 

Foxy

Recovery from Laparoscopy

I still feel a little like a bowling ball – three holes, the larger thumb hole in my belly button and the other two further South!  However, the good news is that I can now lay on my sides again – but only for a short time.  It’s the belly button that hurts.  I still have a sharp pull at my belly button.  It doesn’t hurt – it’s just a very uncomfortable pull.  The other problem with my belly button is that it feels like someone has kicked me right there.  I think I’m still bruised.  Did the surgeon stand on my belly to get his implements in there or what?

 

I’m still walking around the flat like an 80 year old but I get taller and taller as the days go by.  The worst bit is being tired all the time.  I slept and slept and slept (with extremely vivid dreams – as always) when I first arrived home.  My body isn’t quite right just yet.  I fear the surgery hasn’t entirely fixed me – but then that’s to be expected. 

 

I also finally had a movement.  You know what I mean when I say Movement.  It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared.  I learned the hard way that the best thing to do is to take a mild laxative to keep things moving: after my first surgery in 2005 I took three days to get back onto the toilet in a meaningful way and I nearly passed out from the three hour effort!  Not the sort of thing you want to do when you’ve got holes in your belly! 

 

The worst thing is that I thought I’d be able to sleep this week – you know, catch up since I rarely sleep well.  Instead I normally drift off after midnight or 1 a.m. and still wake up at the normal time (7ish).  It’s little wonder I feel woolly headed and want a nap in the middle of the afternoon.  My head rolls around on my neck, my eyes roll in my head and I feel slightly drunk.  It’s awful when you really need to concentrate for your job and you don’t see the obvious mistakes in your email to the Director of All that is My Company.  I expect they thought that this surgery would have helped me but, if today is anything to go by, I’ll be fired by Christmas. 

 

One thing that life has taught me, ladies, is that there will always be a thing in your life that could be better.  Usually at exactly the same point in time there is a thing in your life that couldn’t be better.  Life is about balance and the balance is there to help us appreciate the goodness in our lives.

 

For me the bad side of life is work.  Work for me over the past few years hasn’t been great.  It’s hard to explain to employers the extent to which my maladies effect my well being – and difficult to point to something and say “Please be patient” because I’m not bleeding from the eyes.  Sometimes I hide the extent of my problems for fear of my job.  Oh sure, employers can see my monthly agony but no employer wants to give so much sick leave even though I’ve needed it.  They don’t want me in the office when I’m like that (and let’s be fair, I’m no good to anyone when I’m like that) but before my surgery I had far too much sick leave – I’ve filled my quota for the year! 

 

Pants.  I expect this means I need to look for another job.  This would be good because it will give me another clean slate but it will take 3 months for me to get my benefits again, which means that I need to try and see my private doctors as much as needed after my surgery but before I lose that benefit for 3 months.  I want a job that I can mentally cope with.  My frustration is unbelievable because I’m university educated, I love learning, I need a challenge, I need to be kept busy but when I go woolly headed I can only perform the most menial of tasks.  Not project work with goals, reports, minutes and lots of customer contact – tasks.  Copy typing and answering the telephone.  Things that I can do on auto-pilot. 

 

I hate my body. 

 

And yet…

 

At the same time I’m the luckiest woman on the planet.  I’ve got a great guy who is the most supportive I’ve ever known.  Helios is strong and handsome and sexy.  While he is tender and gentle with me, he’s as fierce as a forest fire when defending himself or anyone else he loves.  Our home is my sanctuary from the rest of the world and I never contemplate my short-comings when he’s around.  He simply doesn’t allow it.  After years of feeling mediocre as a woman, he has helped me feel attractive, intelligent and even sexy.  After years with Ramman, who really didn’t suit me, I am in the position of appreciating everything Helios does for me.  I’m even grateful for all those unhappy years with Ramman too for giving me perspective.  I am content. 

 

OK so I’ll be looking for another job and, no doubt, I’ll find something decent eventually.  We all have to focus on the positive. 

 

Foxy

Becoming British

I first arrived in England in 1994.  Back then the cordless kettle was a new invention and Doritos were first being exported from the US.  It was before Tony Blair, Brit Pop, Blur, Oasis and the Spice Girls.  I had my first curry here.

 

Once I married and got through the initial two years – when my homesickness was the worst – I wanted to become British.  My ex husband, Ramman, was adamant that I should not do anything that would count against him if we ever wanted to go to live and work in the US.  Nevertheless, I regularly looked into the process of becoming British and as the years passed I wanted to be British in order to feel more settled.  This is my adopted home and I wanted to make it official.  While Ramman’s views were practical, neither he nor I really wanted to go to live in the US and, as the years progressed, it became less and less likely that I should deny myself the protection of adopting the British Nationality.  Of course Ramman never let me.

 

As I left Ramman, I had a number of plans – to find a nice place to live, to ask Helios to move in with me, to take the Life in the UK test in order to become British, to marry the love of my life, and to become British.  It’s taken years to get to the point where I had sorted out my life enough to where I can become British as I didn’t want to do it in my former name.  I sorted out the paperwork and submitted my application (along with a significant £655 cheque!) back in September.  More recently, I rang the Home Office to find out where things had got to and I was horrified to discover a recording saying that they have such a backlog that they wouldn’t recommend chasing applications for as long as 7 months!  Now, I know that the rules regularly change and that everyone sane must want to become British but I can’t help but think 7 months is a joke. 

 

I am delighted now to say that I’ve finally received my documents back from the Home Office today!  My application is successful!  What happens next?  I will receive another letter inviting me to a ceremony where I’ll swear allegiance to the Queen and receive a certificate. 

 

Foxy

Recovery 2

After a little time at home I feel a bit better.  I’m still a little sore but the worst bit is that I have gone a bit depressed.  I went back to work yesterday.  I got there and sat down at my desk and cried.  I couldn’t stop crying so the HR woman took me home again immediately.  I then went back to my GP later on.  I hate to admit this, but I’ve been signed off sick and I won’t be back to work before 5^th January!

 

Physically I’m still tired and am suffering from internal bruising.  I feel sore but can sleep almost comfortably – I’m dreaming wildly and having a hard time drifting off probably because I keep thinking about work.  I cannot wear a pair of jeans: jeans push too hard on my bellybutton when I sit down. 

 

I’ve not had sex since the operation and I’ve not missed it – which is unusual for me.  I like to be physical on average once or twice a week.  I’m just too uncomfortable to even contemplate it.  I keep getting sharp pains in my cervix.  I am constantly exhausted.

 

So I’m sitting here until after Christmas.  I feel a failure.  Now I know there’s no need to feel a failure but it doesn’t stop me doing it.  You know how much I like raking myself over the coals.  The good news is that I only seem to cry when I think about work so to me that means I need a new job.

 

It’s a real shame because I like the company, the location couldn’t be more convenient, the money is good, the hours are fine but the pressure and stress is very difficult.  I find the work too difficult.  I cannot seem to concentrate.  I’m intelligent enough, but find concentration so difficult that I make silly mistakes or I forget to do things.  I frequently feel almost drunk with the inability to hold my head on.  I blame the Endometriosis.  I wasn’t like this in my 20s.

 

Beyond that I’m trying to keep busy.  I’m also watching a small backlog of movies that I’ve been meaning to see.  Shame I’m not sleeping…  I’m also writing my blog, sending off Christmas cards, taking the time that I never seem to have to take care of things like shredding old documents, updating Helios’ ipod, and having a darn good tidy.  Most would say that it is hard to live in such a small flat with anyone but it’s actually very easy – aside from the fact that there is no room to be messy.  We don’t have a dining room.  We eat every night on our laps in front of the TV.  We regularly go through our belongings (twice yearly) in order to make room for new stuff.  Despite the mess, I say that it’s easy to live with Helios.  I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else.

 

Foxy

Men are like Dogs 2

I owe Helios an apology.  Helios has read my blog and said that if I didn’t mention that he’s good in the kitchen (He is very good in the kitchen, BTW) he would withhold sex!  Now, I’m not sure just how long he’d be able to keep his hands off me, but I’m not willing to test his patience.  I like his “company” too much.  I’d hate for him to think that I ever take him for granted.

 

Mom, don’t read the rest of this blog.  I know you hate to think of me as coarse but I’m afraid that I really enjoy toilet and slap-stick humour.  I do enjoy other types of humour as well – puns and wit – I suppose you could say that I’m not that fussy about what I laugh at. 

 

My mother would be horrified to know that I like toilet humour.  My mom is a proper lady who raised me by taking me to art classes and museums.  She thoroughly disapproves of anything uncouth.  My father was always a polar opposite to Mom.  He liked slap-stick and toilet humour.  I think the majority of my personality traits I take after my mother but I think in this respect I take after both of them, and I laugh a lot because of it.

 

Speaking of toilet humour, Helios, and I were talking about passing gas the other evening.  Let me explain, the English find gas funny.  Very funny.  Even my ex husband found gas funny, so I think it could be an English thing.  Actually, one of my many theories is that the English are a noble people precisely because they like to laugh so much.  I once told someone that I thought that Nazis could never take over Britain because we are too good at poking fun at everyone – including self-important egomaniacs.  But I digress.  I wasn’t being cerebral – I was talking about laughing at people passing gas.

 

The other night Helios walked from room to room and, as he passed gas, he shouted “TURBO!”

 

In my many years of examining the differences between English and American cultures I’ve discovered a number of things.  For instance, veggie farts have no smell.  Oh sure, you don’t have to believe me but it’s true.  My ex husband, Ramman, was veggie for a number of years and he could almost produce gas on command.  Loud but no smell emissions.  More than once he managed to do this during a comedic moment – normally saying “Vegetarianism is good for you.” or “I don’t produce gas.” followed by a bottom squeak.   

 

I once was talking to the gang in my accounts department when something loudly escaped me.  I was so embarrassed I apologised and shot out of there muttering “lentil lasagne”!  Needless to say I’ve been the butt of many jokes since!

 

Of course, more recently, as I’ve started to eat meat again due to my low GI diet, I’ve rediscovered something malodorous!  Unfortunately it’s not just me.  Helios and I have to sleep with the window open, even in the winter!  I get the blame for “Turbo”. Helios says it’s due to my cooking.  My cooking!  AS IF!!  Helios is what we English call “Cheeky” which translates as “Ornery”.  It’s a trait that I like a lot, even if I sometimes claim I don’t.  Although you probably wouldn’t think it, I find it relaxing to have a bit of banter with my husband from time to time.  A little play arguing is good for the soul I think.  It alleviates tension without actually causing offence. 

 

You may recall that Helios regularly causes terrible smells – especially in the kitchen when I’m doing the dishes and he’s drying.  Well, when he makes these emanations I sometimes defend myself by taking the suds and throwing them at him.  We then  wrestle each other to the ground.  I enjoy our little rituals and the comfort I get laughing with him.

 

Foxy

Christmas Past and Future

 

Ghosts of Christmas Past

 

Looking at my previous life (which is what I like to call my life in my previous marriage) Ramman and I used to host Christmas every year with his parents coming to visit.  I used to spend the whole time in the kitchen doing the dishes and preparing the next meal.  I hated the havoc of it all and I hated having to deal with his parents – who were judgmental, bickering, materialistic and shallow. 

 

We always had to have an enormous Christmas tree and get all sorts of evergreen twigs to tastefully decorate the house in a restrained and elegant manner – the Christmas tree lights were always white and Ramman always had to put them on the tree to ensure that no one could see the wires.  The lights, as well as everything else, had to be “just so”.  The tree decorations and wrapping paper all had to be colour coordinated!  More than once I threatened to get a second tree and some second-hand curry-house decorations just to make the place feel festive! 

 

I hated conforming to everyone else.  I think part of the reason I had a hard time with Ramman’s family was because they didn’t like me from the start.  I was always under the impression that they thought I was a gold-digger and they thoroughly disapproved of me.  Over the years they gradually accepted me but I rarely felt comfortable around them.  I felt they were always judging me.  I was always on my best behaviour. 

 

My ex mother in law was materialistic and shallow.  She used to pout if she thought that anyone got more expensive presents than her.  She loved to tell us just how hard off she was – how hard she used to work and how difficult life was for her.  She hadn’t held down a job since the mid 1960s and since then all she did was go to golf.  Now, I’m not saying that raising children is easy BUT she never should have said anything like that around me bearing in mind I was raised by a single woman who in the winters used to shovel her own drive.  My ex mother-in-law never knew she had it so good!  The ex monster-in-law didn’t even clean her own house!  Once, I was vacuuming her house for her (because I’m good like that) and she was complaining that she needed a new Hoover – this one just didn’t seem to be picking up anything.  Well, I had a look and I changed the bag.  She hadn’t changed the bag in so long that the bag was solid in the machine.  SOLID.  I could barely get the thing out!

 

His dad wasn’t quite so judgmental of me but he was so lazy that he was a nuisance.  For instance, we all be sat down to our Christmas meal one year and he glanced over the table and asked for gravy.  Now, my ex husband was a vegetarian so any meal involving meat was a bit of a song and dance.  I had to use different utensils for different dishes, and after 5 hours of preparing vegetables, turkey, cranberry sauce and veggie protein, the last thing I wanted to do was run back downstairs to make gravy.  BUT, as it was Christmas I always did what I had to do to make everyone happy.  

 

His parents together used to be a real drain.  They used to bicker terribly.  They would talk over one another vying for our attention.  Ramman and I used to have to spend time with one and then the other in an effort to keep them apart.  I used to think of it a little like tag-team wrestling – we couldn’t spend time together over Christmas because we were too busy entertaining one or the other of his parents.  It’s little wonder that I frequently thought that the kitchen was my refuge.

 

Luckily all of that is in the dim and distant past…

 

Christmas Future

 

The past couple of Christmases Helios and I have spent together.  I love it that we don’t have to entertain the masses.  The only concern I have to worry about is cooking enough for two, putting up festive (multi-coloured!) lights and opening presents.  I love the fact that I don’t have to worry about keeping up appearances or being on my best behaviour.  It’s so nice to feel comfortable over Christmas.

 

Once again, I am so grateful for Helios.  I love his parents too.  They’re only interested in seeing Helios happy.  They’re consequently delighted with me because he’s clearly happier than he was in his “previous life”.  But that’s another story.

 

His mom was as nervous about meeting me as I was to meet her!  The point where I knew that she and I would be friends was when Helios was trying on a jumper (sweater for those of you speaking American) in a shop.  He had obviously left us alone for a few minutes.  I told her that I had been afraid that he would not want me once I was divorced.  She said that of course he wanted me!  She could see how happy he was with me and how she was delighted that he seemed to be much more like himself than he had been over the past few years.  She told me what he was like before me – irritable.  He used to come to visit and be grouchy and she had been concerned.  But no more.  And now we’re friends which, after my years of cow-towing for approval, is such a relief.

 

As for Helios’ father, he’s a lovely man.  He could talk the hind legs off a donkey but I just love listening to him.  At one point he was telling me what a good boy Helios was when he was a kid – always honest.  As a child Helios once accidentally broke the storm door on the house but he confessed straightaway.  He also regularly looked after his grandparents by going to the shops for them.  It made me laugh because I felt that he was trying to sell me his son!  “He’s a good boy.  He’s always been a good boy.”  As if I needed persuading!

 

I’ve never felt so welcome.  I’m very family oriented and having family in this country (especially because my family are so very far away) is important to me.  I consider Helios’ family my English family. 

 

So, we’re going to see his folks again between Christmas and New Year.  I’m obviously looking forward to it.

 

Foxy

 

Miscarriage

My mom and I were talking about my blog.  She is sure that I’ve had three miscarrages.  For those of you who never want this to happen or never want to know what it feels like – look away now.

 

It was between 2003 – 2004 when I was still in my first marriage and we were unofficially trying for children.  Each time it was roughly when I was expecting my period so I was unsure as to the cause of the pain.  Although the pain was the worst I’ve ever had, I didn’t bother calling the doctor – perhaps subconsciously I wanted to remain unsure?

 

For some strange reason each time it happened in the middle of the night – I have no idea why.  I woke up with sudden unbearable pain – not like my normal period pain – much much worse.  I’ll give you an example.  My normal period pain leaves me in the foetal position in bed rolling around in agony until the painkillers and anti-inflammatories kick in.  Sometimes I also need a hot-water bottle to help me cope with the pain.  This was different.  I felt paralysed.  I could barely breathe.  I couldn’t even tell you where the pain was in my body.  It was overwhelming.  Then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped.  Just as I was wondering what that was all about, I felt movement and I ran to the toilet. 

 

That was the first time.  The second time it happened in just the same way except this time the pain was not quite so overwhelming.  The pain was still extremely intense but I knew it was going to be short-lived and, as before, it stopped and I ran to the toilet.

 

The last time it happened I finally had the ability to feel what was actually happening without the pain overwhelming me.  It felt like my womb was wringing itself out.  The realisation that I probably had had a miscarriage (and the likelihood that I’d had two others) shook me.  You always think that, it’s the most natural thing in the world to get pregnant and to do so on your own terms – there are so many statistics about women putting off pregnancy until later in life.  I didn’t think about infertility happening to me. 

 

I never told Ramman that I thought I’d had miscarriages.  The pain in each instance was too great for me to even move and, once it was over, I didn’t see the point in waking him.  I always treated him like he was the more important one of the two of us and I thought it was important not to wake him.  Can you believe that?  I was uncomfortable waking my husband and getting medical treatment because he was more important than me.  Back then my ex-husband used to say that it didn’t matter if it took time to get pregnant and we’d just keep trying.  Unfortunately there were enough problems in the marriage that I suspected maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  I really didn’t fancy having IVF when I wasn’t sure if we should have children!

 

Luckily each time it was so early in the suspected pregnancy that I didn’t know I was pregnant – possibly only a few days or weeks.  In no instance did I consult a doctor – mainly because there’s nothing they can do for you after the pain is over, can they?  So until I discussed the issue with my mother, I wasn’t sure myself if the pain was connected with a miscarriage.  She had had a miscarriage before I arrived so she was, sadly, familiar with my story.

 

Now, years later, I find myself contemplating why and what if.  I can’t help but think that women sometimes torture themselves with the questions of why and what if?  The fact of the matter is that I’m actually really lucky I didn’t have those children.  But then I contemplate what if I’d have met Helios earlier in my life.  If I’d met him earlier would I have been able to carry to term?  As much as I know these questions are counterproductive, I cannot help but think it sometimes.  I’m actually grateful I didn’t have children with Ramman but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have wanted children with Helios. 

 

With the commencement of a new relationship (and I’m not getting any younger!) I thought long and hard about babies.  Ultimately I decided against it.  Why?  I think the answer is different for every woman.  I knew that I was only enamoured with the idea.  I didn’t actually want the hassle, work and responsibility of a baby – the romantic in me wanted to hand a newborn over to Helios and saying “Look, here’s one we made earlier!”  But that was it.  I didn’t want the sleepless nights, the patience, the constant colds, exhaustion, day care, school, clothes, snot, etc. 

 

As happy as I am with the decision, I can’t help but torture myself sometimes wondering why and what if I were younger, etc etc.  It doesn’t matter that the decision is made and I know it’s right for me.  What seems to matter most is the self-torture here.  It sounds a little self-destructive, doesn’t it?  Why do I do it?  Well, the usual situation I keep running over and over in my mind is that I meet Helios just before I turn 30 and we immediately decide that we want children.  I think I would have wanted children no later than 30 mainly because since then I’ve been getting more and more tired and bogged down in my symptoms.

 

Luckily Helios is very supportive. He said that he wanted me to be happy.  He even said that he’d be happy to have children with me – but I’d have to want it 100%.  Being honest, I just don’t.  I am too happy with my life at the moment.  If it’s not broken – don’t fix it.

 

Foxy

First Period after Lap

When I spoke with my consultant surgeon gynaecologist he said that he did try to get all my endometriosis but, with the extent of the lesions, he’s bound to have missed some.  How bad can it be?

 

The answer: not too bad.  I’m taking Mefenamic Acid and still uncomfortable but not so bad that I don’t know what I’m doing.  Does this happen do you?  Does your pain come in waves?  I’ll be reasonably comfortable for a little while and then I’ll want a hot water bottle.  I normally try to resist the hot water bottle mainly because I like it a bit too hot to help with the pain and I’ve been known to burn myself (more than once I’ve raised blisters) right in the small of my back.  The burn doesn’t hurt but it really distresses Helios.  The last thing I feel like is having someone clucking around me. 

 

So I’m sitting here with the laptop – appropriately – on my lap and I’m moving my back every so often, trying to stretch it out without success. 

 

I’m sleeping a little better.  Is that because I’m delighted at the thought of not going back to work at that terrible place?  Or is it because the anti-depressants have finally started to kick in?  I find I do something strange in the night – I manage to keep the sheet and the top bedspread on me but the two quilts in between the sheet and the bedspread migrate in the night over Helios.  I wake up before the alarm feeling hot.  I’m not sweating but I’m hot.  I wonder if I’m hot because I’m coming off the HRT or if it’s because our bed is pushed against the radiator.  Now, if you’re about to tell me to move the bed the answer is the flat is too small.  We don’t have room and I’m stuck for the rest of my life crawling over Helios when I need to use the “facilities” in the night – except of course when I have a lap and then I’m under strict orders from Helios himself to wake him so that he can ensure I’m steadied to and from the toilet safely.

 

I’m looking for another job.  So far there are a few jobs out there but it looks like there are so many people who want every vacancy.  I’m currently pinning my hopes on a vacancy in a company where a mate of mine works.  It’s in an industry I have a decade of experience in and I’m hoping that my CV looks good.

 

Keep your fingers crossed.

 

Foxy

My First Christmas with Helios

I managed to find our flat and moved in first.  I spent most of November decorating the flat – I spent a small fortune in Ikea!  I invited Helios to spend Christmas and New Year with me.  I was desperate for Helios to feel welcome.  I cleaned the place from top to bottom.  I cooked and cooked.  I made sure to buy all his favourite food – mince pies with warmed custard, biscuits, and many more sweets.  As much as I wanted him to love living with me, I also wanted to be sure that we got along as well as I expected we would. 

 

Unfortunately I didn’t have a sofa when I first moved in so Helios brought over a TV and we watched DVD’s while sitting on my yoga matt and cushions.  It was terribly uncomfortable but Helios didn’t complain once.  He used to say that he could live in a cardboard box so long as he was with me and I loved him for that. 

 

Luckily the bed was delivered before Christmas so we weren’t sleeping on the floor as well!  We had a great time.  I’ve never been so relaxed!  He seemed to love my cooking.  He didn’t spend the whole time complaining.  He liked my taste in décor.  Now, I know that watching football might sound boring, but after a number of years catering for the masses and not relaxing at all, it was exactly what I wanted.  Of course it took a little time to get used to the idea that Helios is so easy to live with and I used to fret over almost every meal but Helios regularly reassured me. 

 

I needed it too.  After more than 10 years of neglect, Helios was just what I needed in more ways than one.  I expect I still sometimes sound a little surprised that he’s so attentive.  I don’t mean to sound surprised in a bad way, I’m still not used to it.  Is that a bad thing?  I expect it means that I will always appreciate just how lucky I am.

 

After that Christmas, I told him that he was allowed to keep a shelf in the bathroom and that I didn’t want him to move in by stealth.  For the most part he accommodated my request.  In the meantime it didn’t take long for me to realise that I couldn’t resist him.  I still can’t. 

Happy Christmas everyone!

 

Foxy

Happy 2009!

 

We’re sitting on the couch and I’m suffering another headache.  We’re watching Jools Holland’s annual “Hootenanny”.  I’m beginning to realise just how out of touch I am with my youth as I don’t know half of the acts on the show and I don’t fancy a drink.  It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m contemplating the extra second that will be added to 2008 rather than bouncing around the room or watching fireworks being set off in the back garden by blokes with a little too high booze content in their blood. 

 

So much for me growing old disgracefully.  I did tell myself that I wanted to embarrass my children – well now that I’m keen on not having any I’m going to have to work on embarrassing myself.  If I’m going to be successful I’m going to have to work on feeling a little less old and tired.  I think that’s my resolution for 2009. 

 

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and to stick to your resolutions.

 

Foxy

Unwanted House-Guest

 

The night before last I awoke for a call of nature in the night.  As I walked to the bathroom I heard a loud chewing or gnawing sound.  It gave me the creeps.  I didn’t have to wake Helios, he sat up in bed as I went back to bed, “You OK sweetie?”  Well, no actually.  I think we have company.  I can hear chewing.  Helios got up to have a look – mainly so I’d know what size traps to buy the next day.  He confirmed a mouse which was better than a rat I suppose. 

 

I managed to sleep again that night but I plagued by dreams of rodents.

 

The next day I bought a pack of four mouse traps.  Now, you can buy “humane” traps that leaves the mouse alive but I didn’t want a repeat visit of this particular guest and, as it wasn’t brought in by a proud cat, the mouse obviously knew a way into the building.  It’s got to die.

 

Helios asked if I wanted help setting the traps but I didn’t.  I told him instead that I’d be a bit of a wreck once the traps caught something and I would be grateful for his assistance then.  He smiled and said not to worry that he’d deal with it.

 

I set them up – two with cheese and two with peanut butter.  When we had mice in my Mom’s old house we found that peanut butter was good bait…  Helios wasn’t sure if that would be good bait for English mice so I divided the bait and set them around the kitchen. 

 

The day then passed quietly.  I didn’t hear movement or any other noises and I wondered if it had decided to go after catching a glimpse of Helios? 

 

We went to bed last night at the usual time.  Of course I couldn’t sleep.  Helios and I start off every night with a bit of cuddling – first he cuddles me and then, when I get too hot, I cuddle him.  Well, he cuddled me and I couldn’t quite relax so we rolled over and I cuddled him when we heard a SNAP!  Oh it was horrible!  I clung to his shoulder and he had to calm me before going out to check the trap. 

 

When he came back he said “Peanut butter”, which confirmed to me that peanut butter is a delicacy among mice.  I finally slept last night.  We’re leaving the traps out just in case the guest brought friends.  I do hope that it’s just one!  So far all is quiet.  I’ve spent the rest of today cleaning, cleaning and cleaning.

 

Foxy

Visiting the In-Laws

(Originally written on 29th December 2008)

 

It takes 4 hours to drive to Helios’ family.  Unfortunately his parents live in a one-bedroom flat and his sister also lives in a flat.  This means that when we visit we stay in a local motel in the city centre at “The Barbican” where there are a vast number of restaurants, pubs, the sea-life centre, fudge shops, a large military presence and a couple of nightclubs. 

 

This time we visited we took down our presents for his family and spent the afternoon with his parents.  I’ve said before I like his parents.  His dad is in his 80s, is in remission with cancer (touch wood – as they say here).  His mum is in her 60s and still works.  She has more energy in her little finger than I have in my entire body at the moment – and she looks great.  I think she’s only a UK size 10 (which is US size 6).  I wish I had that much energy – but now that I’m off the HRT I’m really feeling exhausted all the time…

 

We also regularly see his oldest friend when we go down.  This time was no exception.  They practically grew up together.  Helios’ dad said “Oh, where you’ve got one you’ll find the other.”  The three of us met up for a couple of drinks after dinner and I went back to the room so that they could have a little time together “just blokes”.  They always seem very comfortable around me but I know that sometimes a lady can hinder conversation. 

 

The worst thing about travelling to see Helios’ family is the drive.  I don’t do the driving but I still find it terribly tiring.  I’ve never been able to sleep while travelling so no matter how little sleep I get normally I just can’t relax enough to fall asleep in a car or in a train or in a plane.  I therefore went back to our hotel room and let the guys have another drink – they walked me back first and then I sat watching Top Gear waiting for Helios to come back to me. 

 

Trouble is once I relax no one is waking me up.  I once went away on a “Management Team Building” exercise with Ramman.  We were only given one room key so I was expecting him to walk me back to the room when I said that I was tired but he didn’t bother so I fell asleep and awoke when he stumbled in the room after getting the night staff at the hotel to let him into our room.  He claimed that he’d been pounding on the door for about 5 minutes!  I took that as a lesson for myself and nowadays I make sure to stay awake long enough for Helios to come back.  Luckily he’s a good bloke and didn’t make me wait too long.

 

Anyway, I’m back home again and I’m wishing that we could visit Helios’ family more often.

 

Foxy

Follow-up Appointment after Laparoscopy

 

I saw my surgeon as a general follow up after my laparoscopy.

 

I couldn’t believe how nervous I was seeing him again.  I was a little afraid about what he’d say when I told him that I’ve started taking anti-depressants.  I can’t help but feel slightly terrified when I mention this to people for fear that I’ll be judged badly…

 

The appointment itself went well.  I took a list and told him that I’d been feeling down since the surgery, I’ve been prescribed the happy pills and I’m still in pain in my lower right abdomen since the surgery.  He did say that my hormones would be down a bit after the surgery – particularly after all the drilling he did on my right ovary to remove a deep endometrium (which explains the lower-right abdominal pain!). 

 

I saw photos of my inner workings and I was surprised at what endometriosis looks like.  After all that pain I half expected a large hedgehog or porcupine-type beasty with lots of sharp scary teeth but I thought it looked like inner pimples.  The one on my ovary did look scarier to me but I was assured that it only looked scary but is now removed. 

 

He told me that I need to stop taking all my HRT, Metformin and IBS medication.  He told me that my HRT is feeding my endometriosis and the Birth Control Pill I’m on has enough oestrogen to keep my PCOS at bay entirely.  Indeed, he said that I shouldn’t ever have PCOS symptoms if I’m on the Pill.  He claims that PCOS doesn’t exist if I’m not ovulating.  Well, I know that’s not true because even now I’ve got lots of extra oestrogen coming into my system and I’m still growing hair in places a lady doesn’t want dark, manly hair.  YUK!  Taking this into consideration I’m considering totally disregarding part of his advice. 

 

However, with regard to diminishing the IBS medication, he thinks that the endometriosis has been irritating my bowels all this time.  Once I settle down I can take less and less of this.  I started taking the IBS medication when my bowel had become twisted in two places and I’ve not stopped taking it since.  I’ve found it so hard to tell what has been the cause of the pain that I’ve been taking the medication without thinking why or even if it all works.

 

The only thing that I can take more of is my Birth Control Pill.  The doc said that I can have a period only once every nine weeks rather than once a month.  It certainly sounds better than struggling once a month!  The only issue with this was how I broke the news to Helios that he was going to have a week off only once every nine weeks instead of once a month.  Well, I mentioned this to him last night and he didn’t seem that unhappy…  Lucky me!

 

Foxy

Foxy in the Waiting Room

 

When I had a hard time coming up with a name for my blog, I wanted to use the name that Helios gave me when he first saw me – Foxy.  But it was my sister that suggested the rest of the title – and I love the fact that it doesn’t sound remotely pornographic!  Instead, it captures exactly how I feel about my dealings with my illnesses.  I hoped to convey the sense of trying to maintain my femininity together with the frustration involved with having a chronic illness and the fight to get treatment.

 

You know, I’ve had more doctors inside me than boyfriends!  Just getting a diagnosis – a real diagnosis – took 19 years.  19 years!  Granted, every month was not pure agony – my 20s in particular was frightfully easy thanks to The Pill – but anyone who has been through this much pain wouldn’t let anyone go through this.  I had been to a number of gynaecologists including one who tried twice to send me to a sexual psychologist.  I knew the pain wasn’t in my head!

 

The ultimate reason that I was diagnosed wasn’t because of the excruciating pain – pain that makes me lose sleep and work and was part of the reason for the break up of my first marriage.  The reason I was first diagnosed was because I was having a hard time falling pregnant.  It makes me think that doctors are OK with leaving patients in agony but infertility is something that they need to treat!  Can you believe that?

 

Now, I try hard not to condemn anyone and I know all the GPs in the UK are overworked but I cannot believe that something as common as Endometriosis should be so overlooked.  Perhaps we get poo-pooed because there isn’t a satisfactory treatment?  It seems that most GPs are great with sore throats, colds and flu where they can just dish out the painkillers or antibiotics.  However, you have to keep pestering doctors to get referred to a specialist and you have to keep pestering your specialist for answers and treatment. 

 

Don’t be afraid to look into alternative treatments.  I was afraid to try acupuncture at first (and even wondered if I would run screaming from the place with loads of pins in me – looking like some kind of naked metallic hedgehog) but it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared.  The thing that I liked most about Chinese Medicine is the fact that they seemed to want to deal with preventative medicine as well as treating my Endometriosis.  I found myself on the table with all sorts of needles sticking out of me – in my head, hands, legs as well as stomach.  It was odd to say the least.  I can’t tell you if it was more ticklish to have the needles in my stomach or in my back (not all on the same visit) but I can tell you not to move AT ALL when the needles are in.  It is very relaxing: so much so that I fell off the table once at the end of a session.  Please, if you try acupuncture, don’t do it when you have to immediately get back to work!

 

I think you can see that I’ve been busy trying to keep on top of my symptoms.  I’ve visited GPs, gynaecologists, fertility experts, acupuncturists and even a genital expert.  If you want to get the treatment you need to feel better, you have to keep demanding help.  Don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion.  Don’t be afraid to get the treatment you need.  Be persistent.  You deserve to feel better.

 

Take care.

 

Foxy

Ancient History

I met my first husband at 23 and moved to England and remained married for 11 years.   My ex never seemed to want sex and I tried everything I could think of to get him interested.  Once I caressed his leg and moved a little to make it obvious that I was in the mood and he said to me “Do you have to be so masculine?” (!)  Well that put me off, I tell you!  

 

The time that lapsed between intimacy grew and grew and, in the end, I talked to him about it because we were averaging once every 5 or 6 months.  Now, I don’t want to sound like sex is the only thing in marriage BUT I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want sex once or twice a week. 

 

What I was suffering was neglect – not just sexually.  He was obsessed with becoming a Director of a “blue chip” company before he was 30 and focused so much on his career that, more than once, in order for me to see him at a weekend I went to his office and slept on the floor. 

 

He was also obsessed with making money so that we could have a large enough house for our 3 children (that we never got around to having because the house was always such a building site and when we did start to try to have children I just had miscarriages).  The building work was so bad that we didn’t have a working kitchen for 10 months at one point – I washed the dishes in a small bathroom sink.  I had a working kettle, toaster and microwave.  That was it.  We bought that house in July 1998 and didn’t move in until April 1999.  The house wasn’t complete when we moved in.  I thought of leaving him for years but there just never seemed to be a good time to do it.  There was always some drama or the like where I felt obligated to stick it out just a little longer…  During the divorce, he wanted to keep the house.  I couldn’t work out why I would make him sell it – money is all that he loves so he should have as much of it as he can get his grubby hands on.  Leave me out of it.  I have other priorities.  Even now, Ramman is still there trying to finish that house!   I suppose it’s little wonder that after several years I found myself wishing for someone to be intimate with – just to feel a bit more like a woman.  I realise now what I really needed was a friend. 

 

I was friends with Helios (my current husband) for a number of years when he worked in the same company but a different office.  I realised I had feelings for him before I met him in person.  He and I talked regularly on the phone and over about 3 years I got to know him well, so yes, it is possible.  Ultimately there came a point when I knew I had to change to be happy – whether or not Helios was interested in me.  I felt I had to leave Ramman or else I would lose my sanity.  Life got very complicated for me for a number of months.  I even went to marriage counselling before we finally agreed on a divorce.  In the meantime, I was seeing Helios on the side.  I knew that what I was doing was wrong but for the first time in my life I was happy and I didn’t care because I made him happy too. 

 

Luckily Ramman and I decided that we should remain friends.  I make the effort not just to honour the years we had together but also because I still respect him – even if I don’t love him.  I see him from time to time now and I find that now I can say things to him that I couldn’t say to him when we were married.  For instance, he said to me that he was thinking of buying some land and building another house when he’s finally finished with this one (!) to which I said “I’m so glad I don’t live with you anymore!” 

 

Foxy

Relationships

I hope you don’t mind if I give you a little sisterly advice about relationships?  You may know I was married for nearly 12 years to a man that I respect and like but I have a hard time now saying that I ever loved him. 

 

I knew that recognising love would be hard for me because my parents divorced when I was 4.  It is difficult to imagine what love between two people would look like.  Do they kiss often?  Do they argue frequently?  Do they communicate well?  How?  Is it a process or is it something that happens like flipping a light switch?  How do you know it’s real?  How does anyone know when it’s real?

 

When people asked me why I came so far to marry my now ex-husband I would say to them that I wanted to see what lay ahead – but the word “love” never escaped my lips.  I can tell you now that I think I did love him at one point but it didn’t last long.  He really wasn’t my type and although I know I shouldn’t have married him, I’m grateful now that I did.  I learned a lot about what I do and don’t want out of a relationship. 

 

Believe it or not I was married long enough for people to start asking me what the key to a long relationship was.  I decided that the key is this:  A relationship is created by two committed people.  In order to get through the rough and the smooth you both must communicate well, respect one another AND have the common goal of staying together. 

 

Between me and Ramman I can honestly say that I felt that we didn’t have common goals, he neglected me but we communicated well.  Or rather, he told me what he thought and I usually went along with it because it usually sounded like a good idea.  To be fair, I usually hadn’t been given enough time to think about what decisions should be made: we were always doing too much all at once for me to be able to think about what I wanted…  You know that there was never a week that went by when we weren’t in the middle of some near disaster – house purchase, staying in a flat while the house was being sorted (which took 10 months and not the originally scheduled 6 weeks), damp problems, decorating, job lost, house falling down, law suit, extension, Ramman working between 60-80 hours a week and that’s just the things that I remember off the top of my head!

 

I wasn’t cut out for that kind of stress.  So when I started talking to Helios about what I wanted out of life I was delighted to hear that 1) he wanted someone who he considered an equal, 2) he didn’t want a large property 3) he likes to cook and appreciates a good nutritious meal 4) he doesn’t consider himself ambitious and 5) he likes to leave work at work and insists on leaving work on time. 

 

In short, I realised that he wanted what I wanted from life.  So now all we need to do is remain committed and communicate well – which I find easy with him. 

 

As for Ramman, I saw him recently and he looks absolutely awful.  He has very dark circles under his eyes; he is still veggie and now also dairy-intolerant; his family reunion was ruined due to a stomach bug.  He complained to me that it takes him too long to keep on top of cleaning the house.  He told me that when the house is finally finished he wants to sell and buy a plot of land and build a house.  Can you imagine?  I told him that I was delighted I didn’t live with him anymore and that he was completely insane.  I don’t think he appreciated it, but he is bonkers.

 

Bonkers.

 

I told him that I was delighted with the flat and I thought that it was the kind of place that I would be happy to retire to: it’s near enough to town that I am near to the shops and civilisation  BUT I’m also far enough away that I’m not listening to traffic all the time.  The flat is on the ground floor and has its own entrance.  It only takes me a couple of hours to clean the flat from top to bottom.  I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

 

Where was I going with this one?  Oh yeah.  It takes two to make a good relationship and if one of the two doesn’t make the effort, the relationship is over sooner or later.  At least I still respect Ramman as a person and I’m grateful we can still be friends because I don’t begrudge Ramman his success: money is all that he loved during the marriage and that’s precisely what he’s got now. 

 

Foxy

Mad, mad dreams

Thanks to PCOS I am plagued by strange dreams.  The fact that I remember them means that I’m not sleeping deeply enough and it’s little wonder that I’m constantly exhausted!

 

I found myself waiting and waiting in a queue for what turned out to be a unisex toilet.  There were different cubicles for men and women in the same room – some had urinals which, obviously, I couldn’t use.  Each cubicle was different colours.  There was no real queue, I just had to try and find one that wasn’t occupied.  It was slightly chaotic.

 

In the same night I dreamt I was at work in a queue for the photocopier and people kept cutting in front of me and then when I managed to get to the head of the queue, I forgot to copy the back of my sheets so I had to get in the back of the queue again.  Just then one of the scarier women in my office got behind me in the queue and gave me one of her cold scary looks, like she was disgusted that I was spending so much time in the queue.  I was stricken with my usual panic.  I hate letting people down.  I hate feeling like I’ve made a mistake.  I hate being unable to stay calm in those situations – I usually panic and rake myself over hot coals and make more mistakes in my panic.

 

I dreamt I was flying again.  I was in a queue at the airport to California.  I had left my passport at home.  Helios was with me and (for reasons I’m unable to fathom now) I was allowed on the plane with only photocopies of all my documentation and entrance to the United States.  Of course, once we’d got there I was then in the predicament of worrying about how I’d get back to my adopted home – England.  I was terrified and kept telling everyone that I was almost British – the Home Office currently has all my paperwork – and I mean all my paperwork!  (All passports, driving licence, divorce papers and marriage certificate to Helios!  They’ve got everything I am at the moment.  You have no idea how frightened I get when I think that they might lose something!  Getting back to the dream, the worst thought was Helios leaving me in the US on my own.  I was in a distinct panic when I woke up.

 

Then the following night I dreamt that I was deep sea diving and I found two very large fish with big scary teeth and a pole on their heads with a light on the top.  The next thing I know I’m back with some friends on land and we’re talking about this and that when I see those two very same fish again in a wheelbarrow (I told you they were big!) being taken into McDonalds – presumably for turning into filet-o-fish sandwiches.  I even recognised their antenna!

 

I’ve also recently dreamt that I was living in a one-room flat (Americans call it “an efficiency” and the English translation is a “maisonette”) with three friends and the living/sleeping area is separated by clothes rails.  Upon waking, I cannot tell you exactly where all of us slept or lived in that flat but it didn’t seem too cluttered when I was there. 

 

I also dreamt that I was at a university visiting when I saw some old high school friends and they were talking about all the classes they were taking – for their Master’s degrees.  I was disgusted and green with envy because I knew that they hadn’t been smart enough to go to university in the first place. 

 

Where do these mad thoughts come from?  I made one of my doctors laugh when I mentioned that I might go ahead and start a book of short stories.  I believe that when life gives you lemons, you have to at least try to make lemonade.

 

Foxy

English Rose

I’ve had a number of years living as an American in England but I’ve finally got my Citizenship Invitation and that I have scheduled a Citizenship Ceremony!  How exciting!  My Citizenship Ceremony will consist of saying an Oath to Her Majesty the Queen and the Pledge of loyalty to the United Kingdom. 

 

My Oath that I will swear is this:

 

I, Foxy, swear by Almighty God that, on becoming a British citizen, I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Her Heirs and Successors, according to law.

 

Then I pledge this:

 

I will give my loyalty to the United Kingdom and respect its rights and freedoms.  I will uphold its democratic values.  I will observe its laws faithfully and fulfil my duties and obligations as a British citizen.

 

 

I will then be British and will receive a certificate!  How exciting is that!  I’ll finally have been officially adopted by the one place on Earth where I feel most comfortable. 

 

 

What’s still great about being American

 

I believe that the best part of being American is the culture of tolerance.  I am part English, German, Native American, and possibly Swedish among other nationalities.  My background reminds me that we shouldn’t judge others.  It tells me that we all have a place in society – so long as we treat each other with respect.

 

It has been a long time since I lived in America – over a decade in fact – so I don’t miss much about the place now.  I’ve considered myself British for a long time… so long in fact that my list of what’s great about Britain is longer than my list about what’s great about America.  I will say, however, that I have missed the open spaces found in the US.  Originally I’m from the Midwest and I have been known to miss the long low horizon together with the perpetual bad weather. 

 

 

What I don’t like about being American

 

I’ve not liked being American for as long as I can remember.  Not even when I was a kid.  I don’t know if that’s because I’m a “grass is greener” girl or if it’s because I never really fit in as an American.  That sounds a little strange but it’s true.  I’ve never been the sort to follow the crowd – I’d rather sit in the corner and watch everyone else follow blindly off the cliff or dance around with a lampshade on their head.  I frequently found all the marketing and advertising difficult to swallow.  I find that the emphasis on instant gratification and sales culture feels like I’m being preached to.  I don’t like being preached to.  Maybe I’m too hard on the place and too critical of the culture but it was mine to criticise.  I’ve made my choice. 

 

Americans are internationally perceived as loud, stupid, proud and condescending.  I’ll give you an example: I was once in London on a Sunday in the Underground when I overheard one of my compatriots snootily saying where she came from “all the shops are open 24 hours a day!” – as if shops being open 24/7 was the greatest invention ever!  I was thoroughly embarrassed.  I wanted to say something to her like “If you think it’s so great over there – go home and don’t come back!” but I simply cringed instead.  

 

My thought is that I’ve come here to live and the least I can do is try to follow the rules here.  I can’t help but agree when I hear the natives say that when people immigrate to England, the least they can do is learn the language and try to fit in.  This means that while the culture values tolerance, the overwhelming majority of the population describe themselves as “Christian” and Sundays are therefore valued as a day of rest.  When I first arrived in this country none of the shops were open on a Sunday.  Now the country is more and more like the US and I take great pains to remind people here just how great Britain was before Doritos, hamburgers, shakes, McDonalds, obesity, the Patriot Act and fear.

 

The fact is that no matter what I do I’ll still sound vaguely American (and I’m frequently mistaken for a Canadian – which I take as a compliment on this side of the Atlantic!) means I’m regularly asked where I’m from.  I spent most of my early life cultivating my mind.  I find it rather irksome to be associated with those embarrassing Americans.  I’ll take great delight in confusing the Brits by telling them that I’m British once I have my certificate.

 

 

What’s great about becoming British

 

I like the thought of being British because I don’t like being associated with those loud, proud and ignorant tourists we regularly see in London. 

 

Why do I feel so comfortable in England?  Perhaps it’s my cynicism and the ability to laugh at myself.  When I was younger I used to think that I’d wind up in France or Canada – since I speak the lingo – and certainly hoped that I would make it to Europe but I never dreamed that I’d wind up in England.  Now I’m here I wouldn’t change it for the world.  It’s strange how life takes you away from any intentions you may have.

 

Why have I become so enamoured with Britain?  It’s not just the history of the place: isolationism (which is where I think Americans get their culture of isolationism), royalty, empire, and the long list of great thinkers and firsts.  A short list of greats include: Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, William Shakespeare, Margaret Sanger, Thomas Paine, Mary Wollstonecraft, Charles Babbage, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Bob Geldof, Sir Winston Churchill, Charlie Chaplin, Boudica, Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, Arthur Wellesley First Duke of Wellington, Marie Stopes, Professor Stephen Hawkin, Emmeline Pankhurst, The Beatles, and Mary Shelley.  I hate to say if I had to compile a similar list of Americans, I would struggle to do it.

 

I also love their sense of humour.  There is no subject that is considered taboo.  I have heard jokes about paedophilia, necrophilia, royalty, politics, and sexual fantasies.  Most of these have shocked me but also made me laugh – I like being able to laugh at racists, perverts, corruption and irony.  I cannot tolerate intolerance and intolerance is regularly shown to be narrow-minded.  I truly believe that Nazis would never be able to take over Britain because we like to lampoon our politicians.  Egomaniacs no doubt hate this place. 

 

Also, they have a special gift of understatement: I am reminded of Monty Python saying that a spurting amputated leg was “merely a flesh wound”.  They laugh in the face of danger.  I could be wrong but think this part of their culture dates back to the 1930s and 1940s. 

 

They have a saying here “If you don’t laugh, you cry.”  It seemed to me that Americans are happy to cry and make a meal out of tragedy while Brits laugh off most hardships.  I am proud to be nearly English. 

 

Foxy

US News

Today is the day that Barak Obama becomes the 44^th President of the United States. 

 

More than one person has said how ironic it is that I’m due to become British the day after Obama becomes sworn in.  I must say that I’m sad to be leaving the Americans behind on a day like today. 

 

It’s lovely that there’s finally someone in office that makes me proud to be American.  He’s intelligent, articulate, classy, dignified and inspiring.  The fact that he’s black is incidental for me.  For years I’ve tried to judge people by the content of their character and I cannot say enough good things about Barak Obama.  Sure, I’m delighted that it’s a first and it’s obviously a good thing for the African Americans of the country, but I am overjoyed that we finally have someone truly worthy of the role in the job.

 

If I was going to elect someone to represent America the LAST person I would get to do that would be George W Bush.  Why?  He is not the best of us.  He is the idiot lacking a village.  So when I say FINALLY it is a wonderful thing to have someone competent in Washington, I hope you can appreciate my relief at being able to hold my head up in public.  I’ve spent far too long feeling ashamed of being American.  I’m so happy that we have someone who represents the best of us in office. 

 

You know, Jimmy Carter wanted Americans to become more responsible and be less reliant on oil but Americans preferred to live another decade or two with their heads in the sand.  We now have to remember our responsibilities and not just frolic in the benefits of freedom.  I’m not talking about soldiers, sailors and pilots giving their lives, I’m talking about ALL US Citizens taking responsibility for their freedoms, their country, the environment and the world.

 

Let’s not forget it’s a terrible job he’s taken on.  You couldn’t pay me enough to take that job at the moment – with the economy the way it is.  I wish him luck – I’m afraid he’ll need it.

 

Actually I’m really glad I’m not in Washington DC at the moment.  I’m sitting here on the couch crying like a baby watching the proceedings.  What a soft heart I’ve got!  Luckily Helios is at work otherwise he’d call me a sausage.  I don’t know why “sausage” is the British term, but it’s accurate in English terms.

 

It was a wonderful speech.  I found myself glowing in pride.  He’s obviously preparing Americans for the hardships ahead but he’s so inspiring that I can’t help but think that he might actually lead Americans to greatness.

 

Peace to you.

 

Foxy

Interview

I’ve registered with a number of employment agencies and finally had a proper job interview today.  It was more than a little scary but I think I did well.  I’m only one of two people that they’re seeing.  The lady seemed keen on “selling” the company to me while I was there.  I was also shown around the department and introduced to everyone – which is also a positive sign. 

 

While I’m interested in the company (good location, large company, subsidized restaurant, gym on site), I would prefer a job as a secretary or receptionist.  I am a little worried that I won’t have the focus that I would need for a role like this – another administrator position with lots of responsibility and a number of people to report to.  The good thing about it is that it seems to be a tight group without any sales responsibilities – I hate the sales environment.  I’m not good with that kind of pressure.  The focus of the job is instead on regulations and passing government guidelines and I’m really good at keeping spreadsheets up to date and updating databases and following up tasks. 

 

I think I’m going back and forth with it because the lady I saw today said that she was going to make a decision and let me know later on today if I’m going to be offered the job.  Meanwhile time is ticking away and the longer I wait for news the more I think I didn’t get the job.  No matter what I wouldn’t say yes straightaway but I need some money coming in soon so I think that I would probably say yes after discussing my options with Helios.

 

In the meantime I’ve got a couple of other interviews to go to this week.  There’s one role that I’m much more sure of – I’ve been to two interviews (one with an agency and one with another agency) for this one.  I’m keen on it even though the company isn’t as big and the location isn’t as good because it’s a receptionist/secretarial job and I’m sure that I’ll be able to cope with any stresses involved with it.  I’ve left a message with the agency to say that I’m having interviews now but I’m more keen on this role so please get back to me ASAP…  Nothing so far.

 

Also, I’ve been wondering if part of my problem is working for women.  I’ve never had a problem with the men that I’ve worked for.  I think I must be able to communicate with them more easily?  Or is it because the ambitious women that I’ve worked for have been so keen on making themselves look good that they feel the need to make others look bad.  I was once told that it was my incompetence that led to my boss not making her target.  Me.  (You can’t see it but I’m rolling my eyes.)  How that could have ever truly been the case when she spent so long on the phone to her boyfriends, doing her nails and looking for T-shirts on line rather than actually working is beyond me.  Sure, it’s my fault.  I’m also the Easter Bunny!

 

Just got the phone call.  I didn’t get the job.  It went instead to someone who applied from another department within the same company.  I was told it didn’t reflect on me.  While I’m a little relieved, I’m also disappointed.  I don’t like sitting at home wondering how I’m going to pay the mortgage!  I can’t ever let it get me down though – no one wants to hire a misery.

 

Foxy

Interview 2

 

I had another interview this morning.  This time I was discussing a one-week contract with a computer company.  I was more excited about this role than the first, even though it’s only a one-week contract.  It will be nice to get a bit of confidence back and the more I’m out there in the big bright world, the more likely I am to get that. 

 

If I get the job, I will be covering one of the Assistants in the company and supporting 9 – 10 people.  I would be delighted to get out of the flat for a few days.  The hours are slightly odd – 10 to 6 but it means that I can organise a quick interview in the morning (if I’m lucky and get another interview for a permanent job) and head to work.  I’m keen to get back out there and get some confidence back.

 

They seemed to be very nice.  The company has won some awards and their website is very funny – including describing their employees as “geeks” with goatees, shaven heads or long hair, and glasses.  Luckily I speak “geek” as well as American and English so I’m hoping that means that I’m going to be given the job. 

 

I GOT IT!!  I’ve been given the job and I’m lucky.  I’m also happy and relieved that I’m obviously not completely incompetent.  Helios has said that he is proud of me and I feel a lot more relaxed already.

 

I’ll start on Friday morning and have a day of hand-over and then I’ll have a week there.  I do hope that things go smoothly while I’m there.  It’s only a week so I don’t expect that much can really go wrong.

 

Foxy

Temp Work – Monday

I’ve started my temp job properly.  To show you precisely how busy I am, I’m working on my next blog entry while working.

 

Today there has been a Siberian cold front complete with several inches of snow.  Beautiful but hazardous.  I expect we’ll be let out early for safety reasons – not many people made it into the office today.  I used to say that I was so grateful to have moved to England so I wouldn’t have to shovel snow but getting around over the next couple of days will require lots of snow preparations – boots, blankets, shovel, a coffee can and candles in the car. 

 

Perhaps Reception work isn’t for me!  I prefer to be busy so that the time goes by quickly.  I also need to know what I’m doing so that I can feel confident.  I used to marvel at just how dumb some receptionists are but I expect they need to be in order that they don’t lose their minds in the dullness surrounding the waiting for someone to call.  I keep wanting to interrupt others – emailing friends and Helios for example – but I know that’s not fair on them. 

                    

I was never allowed to interrupt Ramman at work – his work being far too important for me to ever interrupt.  Him being far more important than I ever was…

 

I think I have too much time sitting here waiting for the phone to ring – if I’m not careful I’ll start to re-evaluate my life and that’s never a good idea.  I think that we, women I mean, think too much.  We constantly think about our relationships, our careers, our children, our friends. 

 

I had a lovely long chat this past weekend with an old friend I knew in school.  I was amazed that she took the time to find me and how pleased that she seemed to finally be in touch again.   We fell out of touch when she dropped out of university and I’ve not spoken to her since 1994!   I spent an hour or two telling him all about her and what we were like when we were kids and then what she’s been up to since we lost touch.  She’s had an interesting life filled with ups and downs and because she’s lived in a number of places and had a couple of kids but is now single. 

 

On a slightly more vulgar note, I had amazing sex with Helios on Saturday night.  He actually rose to the occasion 3 times!!  Who else is this lucky?  Not a lot of women, I’m sure!  We managed a position that we hadn’t tried before and a good time was had by both of us.  Hooray!!

 

I asked him what makes a woman good in bed because, as far as I can tell, you just lay back and think of England.  Well, it’s not that simple.  He thinks I’m the best because 1) I’m honest about what I like and what I don’t, 2) I’m open to try new things (within reason!), 3) I let go and enjoy myself.  He said that most English women (or at least the sampling he’s had) never seem to let go and enjoy the moment.  For a man who’s keen on getting a woman to enjoy herself, I can see how that would be frustrating.  Finally, he likes it that I have a hard time resisting him and have been known to chase him around the bed.  He says it makes him feel sexy and I reply “Helios, you are!”  It’s nice that we communicate so well.  I think that that aspect of a relationship will easily show if there are other issues in the relationship.  Does that make sense?

 

So, tomorrow I’m working here again, I’ll cover the Receptionist’s lunch.  I was left with a HUGE project that took all of an hour and I’m now wondering what else I’ll have to do for the rest of this week…  Still, I can’t complain.  I’m getting paid and it’s getting me out of the flat.  I do need that!  I expect it’s very good for me even if I’m not enjoying myself…  it builds character!

 

Foxy

 

Snow!

In a strange turn of events, there is still snow on the ground.  It’s still falling but not as much as it was yesterday here near London.  Today the North East of England is bearing the brunt of the storm.

 

In the meantime, I am once again amazed at the complete inability for the English to cope with snow of more than a couple of flakes.  Even when the forecast clearly states, days in advance, that there will be snow (and warnings that it’s likely to be a record-breaking downfall) it still seems to catch everyone off guard here.

 

Now, it’s not often that I say the United States is better than England but this is one of those times.  Every winter where I grew up, there was a vast amount of snow, ice, frost, flurries, ice storms, blizzards, and drifting snow.  We were ready for it.  We expected it.  We anticipated it and we would shovel out.  It was rare that schools or offices would close.  We would just get up earlier than usual and pour warm water on our windshields and go.  I remember once needing two pasta pots full of hot water to clear my windscreen once while living in the US!  That was during an ice storm… 

 

Midwestern winters are cold and brutal.  I used to love struggling through it because I knew that all that effort made me a stronger individual.  Not just anyone is bonkers enough to live through that year after year.  Of course when I was very young, Mom wouldn’t let me shovel the snow but as I got older I would come over from my apartment and shovel out for the price of a hot chocolate.  These days Mom hires someone to plough her out – which is usually more expensive than it really should be but it’s better than being 60 and shovelling! 

 

I have a photo of my swing-set in the back garden of my home when I was young – but you can only see one top corner of it.  The rest is covered in snow.  I have no idea how many feet that must have been that winter – possibly 6 or 7.

 

I was in a “white out” once.  Well, when I say I was in a white out – I mean that I had enough sense to stay at home during one.  I got up one morning and couldn’t see my car in the drive so I stood at the front door and held my arm out.  I knew I wasn’t going anywhere when I couldn’t see my hand.  Instead I listened to the radio and waited for the storm to subside. 

 

I am familiar with several different kinds of snow.  I think I’m right in saying that people in Norway and Sweden have about 600 words to describe different kinds of snow.  Clearly a society revolves around the stuff if you have 600 words to describe it!  I feel close to the snow too.  It is part of the rhythm of my life.  I know what spring smells like in the Midwest – the sight of the ground thawing there is something totally alien to someone from this part of England.  What looks like a cold and brutal day to an Englishman, looks strangely like spring to me.  I find it inspiring.  It makes me happy. 

 

Ice storms are deadly.  I went for a walk in it once.  I found that the yew hedge leaves looked like they were covered in some strange liquid membrane that reminded me of tadpole eggs.  The fences I was walking past were merely metal poles with one strand of chain between.  These chains grew stalagmites and looked like an alien backbone.  Everywhere I stepped I had to be extremely careful as the ice grew thicker and thicker.  I felt more like I was skating than walking.  It was beautiful.  Unfortunately the extra weight on the power lines left most in my home town without power in the coldest part of winter.  The University has its own generators and became a haven for those who wanted a hot shower and a hot meal.

 

Here everyone gets frightened of a little frost and the gritters rarely need to come out.  I suppose its little wonder that when we finally do get a little snow (between 6 – 8 inches) the country grinds to a standstill.  Yesterday our airports closed, flights cancelled, the London busses stop, and the London Underground was simply unavailable for the morning.  Today has been no better.  My mom was joking yesterday saying I was probably the only one in the country who knew how to drive in these conditions and I think she was probably right.

 

The roads today haven’t been as bad as yesterday but there are news reports of snow turning to ice (compacting more like) and the conditions are just as treacherous.  At least I don’t have to worry about Helios – he walks to work.  While I imagine that the pavements are just as slippery, I’m not worried about him having an accident.  He’s far more graceful than I am, which sounds odd but is true.

 

Helios has made me laugh with the anticipation of our winter storms here in England.  He even did a “snow dance” like a Native American in the hope that there would be enough snow to gather together a snowball.  Well, he’s got what he wished for.  Winter at last!

 

Foxy

NEW JOB!!

I demanded s3x from Helios last night because (I told him) it makes me lucky – in more ways than one, heh heh heh.  Well, it worked!  I’ve have a verbal offer of employment from a local company and what a relief!  I feel like I’m hovering 2 feet above the ground.  I can’t stop smiling.  You know, I might not be so useless after all! 

 

Today’s horoscope for me is:  You will sail through the day on the most gentle of breezes. It’s as if you’ve just come back from a week in the country. You are calm and relaxed, and no amount of trouble at work can shake this feeling. You see things in a more positive light, and problems that once seemed insurmountable now resolve themselves almost without your help!

 

I don’t normally look at horoscopes but when they’re appropriate it’s nice to see when they apply to me.  When they’re not so positive, I don’t pay attention to them.  LOL.

 

I had a nightmare early this morning – Helios woke up early – about 5:30. I was already awake but drifted off again without too much hassle.  I’m still not sleeping too well.  I then had a nightmare where I got to the second interview and the owner of the company told me that the role was between a number of candidates still and that the successful candidate would be announced at the end of the lunch.  Well, I agreed to this but was keen to make sure that I got back to my contract position – let’s face it, I have bills to pay now and need to try and keep my head above water financially until I get a permanent job.  The lunch was full of people I used to work with years ago and I was given many many sweet courses (which of course I’m not supposed to eat but I did because I didn’t want to have to go through the effort of explaining my diet and implying that they’d not thought enough about healthy options). The lunch dragged on and on, each course was in a different room of some historic building and finally I said that I have to go because I’ll be late for work and then the question was “Well, if you have work why are you looking for this job??” I woke up in a foul mood. I really ought to know better than to fall back asleep because it just makes me feel like I’ve not slept at all and the dreams I have are wild and vivid and colourful and BONKERS.  Luckily, I’m better at interpreting these than I used to be.  Clearly I wanted the job and I wanted to stop feeling useless…

 

I decided to mention the nightmare at the interview – I kept it much shorter by saying I’d dreamt that I’d arrived and was met by the owner who told me to go away.  She liked this and said that it was a “good nightmare” – so I was under the distinct impression that she wanted to hire me at that point.

 

In the meantime I’ve cancelled tomorrow’s interview.  It was a job that I was quite keen on but they took so long coming back to me with a date just for interview that other jobs started to look more promising and interesting.  Also, I don’t want to interview for a role once I have a job offer – now that I finally have an offer I want to concentrate on starting that position rather than take another interview and maybe not get the job at the other company.

 

 

The company is located in my home town and is only a 10 minute walk down hill in the mornings – I’ll say about 15 minutes back up the hill of an evening.  It’s great because Helios walks the same way to work and I can finally start getting in shape alongside him.   It’s in a Tudor building (lots of oak beams and floors) with a Georgian facade (large windows, symmetric architecture and the exterior is painted the colour of a wedding cake).  They’re still in the process of finishing off redecorating the interior and that means all new furniture, desks, computers, painting, kitchen, carpets, etc etc.  It reminds me a little of the house I used to share with my Ramman (especially as it’s spread over 3 floors!) but in business terms means that they have enough money to invest in the business even now, which can only be a good thing.

 

I’m not expected to use my French – and that’s oddly fine with me. I am not confident enough to translate anything anymore but it will be nice to get involved in that industry.  I ought to regularly be learning things about a variety of companies in this sort of work and that really appeals.  I’ll be working mainly for one person but also reporting in to the owner of the company.  She seems very forthright.  I took a computer (Excel) test this morning and got 80%.  She immediately asked what questions I’d gotten wrong and when I told her she said “Oh that’s OK, the software doesn’t seem flexible enough to take the answer that you’re most likely to use.” – which made me laugh.  She talks a mile a minute!  I got to sit in on their morning meeting this morning before I left to come to work at my temp job.  All in all, I’m excited and happy that the business is being run with a close eye on what’s happening – considering they have a meeting every morning for 5 – 10 minutes to discuss priorities of the day!  I was impressed with the amount of work they currently have on the go as well.

 

The company basically doesn’t DO the translation in house – we have a number of sub-contractors that we regularly use.  We do provide a number of “checks” to quality assure the work has been done to a certain standard.  We also do authoring, translation and illustration work.  (Please note the use of the word “we” like I’m mentally working there already!)  The company employs about 10 – 12 people (mostly women).  They regularly have foreign students come to do a work placement (so I’ll have someone to delegate some tasks to) and everyone there seems very friendly.  Of course it being a smaller company, I’ll closely examine the benefits.  Also, because the company is still so small, I’ll be able to take the role and make it what I want – whether that means account management or sticking with a more assistant type role moving to Office Management. I’m really excited!

 

I’ll start next Wednesday – which is good as it gives me a chance to finish off my temp contract (ending Friday) and then a nice long weekend before I start something new.  The owner knows that it’s going to be a steep learning curve and thought that the first week might be best as only 3 days – to try to ease me in gently.  The salary is the same as when I was a legal secretary which is a pay drop but it’s due to be reviewed after just a few months.  I’m due to receive the contract before the weekend so I’ll have something to review.

 

So, things to do before starting a new job: get some more tights/pantyhose.  I’d like to look out some “office” tops as well – I’ve been looking on ebay recently and expect I’ll have more success there than in the shops at the moment.  I don’t know what it is but I really don’t like anything that’s fashionable for the office at the moment.  I usually go to Next (which usually has a good petite selection) but haven’t seen anything either on line or in the shops that I think will be appropriate.  What I really want is some more plain V neck sweaters with 3/4 length sleeves because they tend to go with everything and I can dress them up or down.  I can usually get things I like on ebay for a fraction of what they would cost in the shops – and I can go for a “nicer”, better tailored brand on ebay.

 

I’d also like to get some perfume.  Now I’m not like my husband who has a scent for every occasion.  I tend to buy one bottle and wear it until I get tired of it (which usually takes me through 80 – 90% of the bottle).  I was going to wait until my birthday (and still might ask for perfume for my birthday, Helios please note if you’re reading this) but am now thinking I may treat myself before then as my birthday is still about 3 months away.  Perhaps if I get a small bottle now, I’ll have used most of it by then?

 

Luckily I still have some money left over from my last “redundancy” payment.  I’ll probably keep most of that for a rainy day – you never know when those will come along!

 

In the meantime, what else is happening?  My old friend is hoping to visit in July.  It would be lovely to see her again.  I’ve looked out a few B&Bs locally to give her an idea of where is good and cheap to stay.  I do believe she’ll be more comfortable in a B&B where she can get away from us for a little while.  It’s a shame but my flat is really far too small to contemplate having anyone come to visit.  Well, I’ll give her some options – some B&Bs are as low as £35 a night (for a single) which is really good.  Some prices are as high as £60 per night for a single which is just highway robbery!  At least Dick Turpin wore a mask!  I have also been telling Helios about her and all about what we were like as kids – with the bad 80s perms, surf shirts and parachute pants – a strange combination considering that I grew up about 1000 miles from the nearest ocean!  At that age everything seemed to be so much more urgent.  Was it my hormones?  Or peer pressure?  I think I fell in with the crowd more when I was in my early teens than my late teens.  By the time I was 16 – 18 I was wearing clothes and shoes that I liked – I had a slightly preppy/bohemian style that wasn’t too sloppy.  My friend had a proper 80s New Romantic haircut and was miles more artistic and stylish than I ever felt I was.  Helios and I were comparing each other and he sounds like a proper rocker – stone washed jeans, black shirts, belts with studs and that only buckled at the left beltloop falling (looping?) down the right leg.

 

Physically I’m doing OK.  I am tired and still not sleeping well but I think I can safely say that this is now due to my hormones and/or stress rather than what I’m eating.  I’ve finally come off the neural inhibitor (that I had been taking for my chronic pain) and I think the happy pills have finally kicked in.  I had thought that it would affect me slightly differently – by grinning all the time for example – but it’s more like a cloud has been lifted from my heart.  OK, confidence, a supportive man and a new job has also helped but perhaps I’ve needed this since before my divorce from Ramman?   I’ve had some good weeks/months but this cloud has always come back around my heart.  While I was still married to Ramman I used to cry alone frequently.  How could he possibly know how unhappy I was?  He was never around.  I managed to avoid the happy pills for a number of years – maybe I should have given in sooner?

 

My other physical issue is I’m waiting for my first period (after running 3 pill packs together) and wondering how awful that’s going to be.  I wonder if by having fewer periods that they’ll be just as bad as having one once a month or will they be worse because I’ve run so many packs together but enduring them fewer times a year.  Perhaps I’ll feel better once my body gets into the rhythm of it?  In the meantime I’ve spent a few weeks now with PMT symptoms, some good (increased libido!) some not so good (grouchy, lazy, bloated, hot and unable to sleep). 

 

I find the blog good for my relationship with Helios – he sometimes asks questions about what I write.  His most recent one was “When and why did you go to Ramman’s work and fall asleep on the floor?”  The answer to that is sadly simple:  Ramman, at certain points, was working such long hours that I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to drive home.  He’d leave the house around 7 a.m. and not get home much before midnight.  Well, my life with him wasn’t always that difficult but there was indeed a point where Ramman was doing that 7 days a week so I’d go into his office at the weekends and simply make sure that he got home safely.  While I was there I’d plop myself away from the crowd and play computer games or make teas and coffees and basically stay out of the way.  I found myself remembering that I was also looking at the travel websites thinking that “after all this I deserve a fantastic holiday!” but never got one.  In fact, I now remember Ramman once won a holiday to Spain but we never took it because he was afraid it was going to be “naff” and couldn’t possibly have the time off work anyway.  So I said to him “Why ever bother entering the competition if you had no intention of going on the holiday when you won!!”  What an idiot! 

 

I trimmed Helios’ moustache last night.  In his previous life, his ex used to insist on him shaving every day.  Obviously I don’t.  I want him to be comfortable and like facial hair.  It’s great for a number of reasons – one very much applies to the bedroom, but the another is that it makes his face look softer.  Actually, I’m trying to think if “Soft” is the right word and I think it is.  For example, I have a photo of him from when we first went to Paris and he looks very snuggly in his hat, scarf and coat.  OK, he also resembles a rugged Arctic Explorer but when I look at him I just think about cuddling into him.  In fact, Helios has a lot of body hair too.  This is great for keeping me and him warm on a cold winter’s night.  In the summer Helios asks my help to keep his chest hair trimmed.  All that hair reminds me slightly of what a comic called Bill Bailey said.  He said that he’d always wanted a tattoo of a panther on his chest but that he was discouraged from getting this due to the amount of chest hair.  He was told that it would look like “a panther in a thicket!”  Helios has that much hair, if not more.  The funny thing about it though is that he’s going grey right in the middle – so he looks like he’s got a fur-bullseye on his chest.  I like it.  I know that probably sounds really odd but I do like it.  I like touching it of an evening – either with my fingers or my nose!  I’ve liked hairy men since this half-Italian I dated when I was 17.  Why would a woman want a man who is perfectly waxed/shaved?  I want a man, not a boy!  Give me fur!

 

At my temp job I’ve run into a number of foreigners again.  I don’t know why I’ve always felt comfortable in the company of foreigners (or even people from the US with an accent different to mine) but I love learning things about the world, different cultures.  I don’t judge if things are better here or there – things are just different where ever you go and I tend to go with the flow of what works.  Does this part of my personality stem from my parents’ divorce?  You know, neither side being right or wrong, just different and that’s why they divorced in the first place?  Or is it something else more easy-going?  It’s so important to not judge people if you’re going to consider yourself a citizen of the world.  Now that I have dual nationality, I think I’m more open to the idea of world citizens rather than isolationism. 

 

The other thing that occurs to me about my new job is that it’s very feminine – I think left brain deals with languages – and at the moment I’m temping in a computer software company – a very male office full of geeks.  Now, I think that being a geek is actually a good thing.  I’ve always been attracted to an intelligent man so this place is full of men who could be described as just my type.  You know the funny thing?   I haven’t thought about looking at the men in the office until just now.  I’ve not seen one as attractive as Helios – and I’m not just saying that because I know he reads my blog.  I think in the past I might have been remotely interested in some of them (get to know them first before I jump on them!) but none of them are turning my head.  I must be in love, eh?

 

I used to think that I was waiting for my life to start – enduring an unhappy marriage, enduring (what frequently feels like) constant physical symptoms – waiting for some relief.  It’s taken a couple of  years and a few home truths (like I now know not to put so much pressure on myself to succeed but instead concentrate on being happy), before I’ve finally got some of the mental relief that I’ve needed.  Now, if only the new job is as good as I hope it is, I should be set!

 

Foxy

General Update

Helios has promised me curry tonight and tomorrow (for leftovers) which is great as far as I’m concerned.  I still need to sort out the fridge/freezer – the freezer bit still works but the fridge just doesn’t get cold anymore.  I’ve already had someone in who claimed that the cold air from the freezer is circulated around the fridge and the fan is now frosted over – so it’s no wonder that the fridge is warm.  I don’t ever remember my American fridges having this problem!  Luckily Helios insisted on bringing his beer fridge when he moved with me and I’m so grateful for it now – as it’s keeping the cheese, milk and other essentials cold. 

 

In the meantime I’ve had to finish off everything in the freezer – which hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be!  I think I’ve saved some money bearing in mind that I usually spend so much effort making a fresh meal that I regularly forget to check the freezer.  Luckily everything was still “within date”.  Of course when this is all over I’ll want to refill the freezer again which will no doubt cost an arm and a leg.  Luckily the repairman can come on Tuesday morning so it won’t interfere with my new job.  Hopefully this is the last major appliance to go wrong for a while.  I’ve already had to replace the washer/dryer (all in one machine), and replace the timer on the central heating which required the electrician and get the plumber to get the place warm again.

 

I’ve also been very tired today.  I decided yesterday to go ahead and have my period now just before I start work at my new job – that way I’ll have a clear 9 weeks without a period to worry about.  Otherwise I’d have started my job and my period just a couple of weeks after…  Not good considering I’m dealing with the “unknown” of how bad the periods are likely to be from now on. 

 

I’m also back to taking the Mefenamic Acid this week and hoping that my exhaustion is simply because my body isn’t accustomed to this routine yet – and I know it won’t be until I stick with it properly but hey, I want to make a good impression at work and I’m hoping that my periods will get easier and easier as the months go by now.  I must admit that there is a part of me that is relieved to have my period now – I’ve been so aroused over the past couple of weeks that I could do with a break, and although he’s not said it, I expect Helios would be delighted with a short break too.  My arousal is distracting and regular and total…  I only feel better after I’ve attacked Helios of an evening (it’s great for getting me off to sleep actually….) but I am aroused again in the morning!  Now, I’m usually easily excited but this is getting a little ridiculous!

 

I even apologised for jumping on Helios so frequently recently last night and he asked me why I apologised.  I find I apologise a lot.  I mean it but I don’t always realise that I’m doing it.  Take the incident for example, I meant it because I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable when we’re together.  He’s always good at reassuring me and said that he likes being chased around the bedroom – it makes him feel s3xy.  He said that me being excited makes him excited too.  In other words, I turn him on.  Me.  It’s not really begun to sink in that I can turn on a man by just being me.  I still make an effort and I suppose that’s the important thing.  These days I’m not so worried about being turned down. If we don’t feel like it one night, we can always get together another night.  The worst thing is to pressure someone into intimacy.  It only leads to grudges and bad feeling.

 

At the moment when I’m not “excited”, I’m too hot to sleep or just laying there in bed of an evening thinking about work (or the lack of it until just recently) and the mortgage and what I should do with my old diamond ring that was leftover from my relationship with Ramman.  Do I sell it now or wait until the market has picked up?  Or do I just hang onto it and give it to my sister by my Will after I’m gone?  I’m tempted to sell it to be honest.  Trouble is when do I sell it and what do I do with the money?  I really don’t want to sell it only to spend the money on the mortgage (and now that I have a job I won’t necessarily have to) but it seems silly to keep it in the cupboard when I don’t really want it anymore.  I would sell it and just put the money by for a rainy day but the interest rates aren’t very good at the moment.  Maybe I’ll just hang onto it for a bit longer and hope that its value won’t go down!

 

When I was a kid I thought that someone who was 30 was automatically an adult.  I thought that by the time you got to be that old that you’d know what to expect from life and be able to handle it.  The strange thing is that now I’m well past 30 I still see myself as “young”.  I think it’s because I missed out on that “Life Guidebook” I was somehow expecting in my mid to late 20s.  Being honest with yourself isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially if you’re busy trying to live up to others’ expectations.  Was my first marriage something I did because I was desperate to get away from the US and was afraid of being “left on the shelf” or did I really love him?  I don’t suppose it really matters now but that doesn’t stop me wondering.  Had I managed to be more honest with myself I probably would have ended up with an American bloke and never met Helios.  I can’t imagine life without him now. 

 

I think I’m losing my hair again.  I’ve cleaned out the brush several times recently and I’m trying to decide if it’s a problem.  It could be that without the HRT I’m getting my PCOS symptoms again (which include vaginal discomfort and hair in places a lady doesn’t want hair and possible hair loss).  My skin is really dry at the moment too.  I must double-check that my new permanent job offers (or is soon planning to offer) private health care.  Don’t get me wrong, I could easily rely on the National Health Service but there are times when it takes so long to get an appointment and then another wait for treatment that I’ve been spoiled with private health care being one of the perks of a job. 

 

As I’d hoped, temping has been good for getting my confidence back.  Of course it helps that there aren’t too many wild expectations of someone who is only covering for a week but I can arrive on time, hold the fort, keep everyone well watered and fed and keep the meeting rooms clean and tidy.  AND, if I hadn’t liked the place, I could have easily just sat out the week and kept my head down.  As it is, I like the place and the people but am grateful I don’t work here full time due to the strange hours, the time it takes to get home of an evening and all those biscuits in the kitchen.  I’m usually good at not giving into temptation but today I’ve had 5 crisps (or potato chips if you’re American and reading this) and three biscuits.  I’m not getting the heart palipatations yet but feel a strange floating.  I wonder if that’s because of the sugar, the period starting or the fact that I perhaps slept too well last night.  I think I finally managed to drift off before 10 and was awake just before 8. 

 

My ex husband, Ramman, used to say that he wanted to write a “Guide to Toilets” across the world.  Have you ever noticed that sometimes you look at the soap dispenser and think, “How do I get soap out of that?  Is it a squeeze?  Is it a pull?  Is it a push?  What?”  Then there’s the flushing issue.  When I was growing up I only recall seeing toilets that had a little handle on the front that you would push down the narrow end.  Simple.  Nowadays there are toilets with buttons – TWO – one for a “light flush” and one for number 2s.  I’ve also seen some very old toilets where the water tank is up by the ceiling and to flush you grab hold of the handle on the end of a chain and pull.  I have even encountered a sink that didn’t seem to want to turn the water on.  Oh, sure I could see how the thing moved to make the water either cold or hot but couldn’t work out how to turn the thing on!  Normally I’m reasonably mechanically minded.  Give me any photocopier and I can unjam it.  I can fix fax machines.  I had to ask how this sink worked!  I really didn’t think that I was a total dork but, in this instance, the score was Sink 1 – American – 0!

 

In some public toilets in England you’ll see these “all in one” metallic machines where you put your hands in and the water, soap and then air come down automatically.  Some of these are activated by buttons on the front.  An Englishwoman asked me once why there were never any public toilets in America – I said that we all just popped into a fast food place if we were really desperate.  She was confused because she thought that this immediately obligated her to buy something.  No, I said.  I thought that this was odd until I went into a pub to use the facilities and the barman shouted out after me as I was leaving – “What?  You’re not going to buy anything?”  I turned around and replied “No” and never set foot in there again!  How embarassing!!

 

Mom has been saying that I should do a separate blog about my experiences in England as an American but I haven’t really contemplated it.  I think that my identity is as much about what obstacles I come up against (i.e. my chronic physical conditions) as well as the things that I enjoy (i.e. living and laughing at the vast differences in culture between us).  Possibly “Foxy in the Waiting Room” isn’t a good title for the blog?  Or am I being lazy by wanting to express myself in only one location? 

 

Foxy

 

Step-Children

I’ve not mentioned them before but I have two step children.  I haven’t mentioned them yet because it’s a complicated situation and discussing them is difficult for Helios.  I love him too much to cause him any discomfort or pain.

 

They don’t speak to him.  There was a point (before I started dating him) that his son wanted to live with him but it didn’t work out and now neither speaks to Helios.  This is a fact that hurts Helios to no end.  I rarely bring up the subject of his children because I can see the exquisite pain it leaves him in. 

 

His son, Apollo, will turn 18 this year.  His daughter, Maia, will turn 16 this year.  They were born when Helios was young.  I cannot judge his decisions because I may have done the same thing when I was his age (and by that I mean try and keep a baby and marry the father) – had I fallen pregnant. 

 

I’ve not met Apollo or Maia.  Yet they are my step-children.  Mine.  I can’t help but wonder where they are, what they’re doing and what they’ll think of me when I finally get to meet them.  I’ve been through conversation after conversation in my mind wondering what they’ll think if I say this or that.  What do they like?  What don’t they like?  Have they fallen in with the wrong crowd?  Are they good in school?  Are they happy?

 

Ultimately I know I want to strike a deal with them: as I don’t have “Mommy” experience I want to treat them the same way I treated my sister when she was young.  The deal will be if I go OTT in any way or if they want an objective opinion they have to tell me and we can discuss how they want to be treated.  Of course I came to this idea after remembering how bad my own step-mother was with me.  She always looked like she was smelling dog poop when she looked at me.  I wasn’t terribly unhappy when Dad got his second divorce.  I don’t ever want to come across that badly to Helios’s kids.  I love him therefore I love them.  That’s the way I work.  I strongly believe in family.  There’s a part of him in them – whether they care to admit it or not. 

 

In the meantime I’ve decided to wait patiently.  I am assuming that curiosity will get the better of them at some point and I’ll meet them then.  My relationship with them isn’t as important as his relationship with them.  It’s hard to believe but I miss them.  I spend a lot of time just wondering about them and the feeling isn’t dissimilar to how I miss my family.  Is it possible to miss people you’ve not met? 

 

I sometimes wish Helios had enough strength to try to contact them.  My curiosity is overwhelming sometimes and I spend many nights thinking of them.  Strength is difficult to gather together when you’ve been rejected by your own children.  I respect that and don’t want to see him hurt again if they don’t want to get to know him or simply aren’t ready to get to know us.  Teenagers are notoriously difficult to live with and raise.  I am reluctant to push the matter precisely because I do not know them.

 

My mom and sister, I know, are in despair because I’ve married a man and have not bothered to meet his children.  I suspect that they think his children know something about him that I don’t.  What my family have forgotten is that we don’t know what Apollo and Maia have been told about Helios by their mother.  My mom and sister cannot see that Helios is a good person because Apollo and Maia don’t know him and, either out of loyalty to their mother or out of anger towards Helios, they don’t want to know him.  While I would be delighted to find them and get to know them myself, I must respect my husband and his feelings about the situation.  Ultimately they aren’t my children, sadly.  I say sadly because I would have loved to have children with Helios.  Apollo and Maia are the closest I’m ever going to have to having my own children and I’d like to get to know them but only when everyone is ready.  It’s not fair for me to push anyone – I can only try and help them all cope when they decide to meet. 

 

You can see that it’s a complicated situation.  I learned a long time ago that there are no black and white issues – no absolute good or evil.  Life is more a question of shades of grey and making the most of difficulties.  I just hope that by waiting patiently I’m doing the right thing.  I hope they don’t think badly of me because I have the strange notion that I could marry a man without meeting his family. 

 

As usual, and obviously the names of all involved have been changed to protect everyone’s privacy.  It is a lovely opportunity to conjure up an idea of what they might be like.  Apollo is the god of prophesy and healing.  Maia is the goddess of growth and flowers.  The month of May is said to come from the name of this goddess.  I have purposely chosen these names in the hopes that they live up to the namesakes I have given them – namely “healing” and “growth”.

 

Foxy

Full Stop

Full Stop is what the English call that period at the end of a sentence.  A friend of mine once asked me if there was ever any sniggering in an English class in the US when you’d talk about “periods” and I had to say no.  Double entendres don’t always go down well over there.

 

So I have finally started my period after several weeks of keeping it at bay and running pill packs together.  It’s not as bad as I’d feared.  I’m managing the pain with my mefenamic acid and a little extra painkiller at night.  It’s not as heavy as I had imagined it would be either which is good. 

 

I am still finding it hard to sleep at night but I think that’s because the hormones are keeping me HOT HOT HOT!  I kick the covers off and then wake up cold in the middle of the night.  I can’t seem to get to a comfortable temperature and stay there.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that suffers with that though, eh?

 

I had a couple of days of spotting which was unexpected.  I half expected everything to arrive at once at full force for the whole time but so far it seems like a “normal” period.  Or should I say, the most normal that I’ve had? 

 

Now all I have to do is go to work next week and hope that things work out OK.  At least I won’t be worried about my usual issues within the first month or two! 

 

Can I just say that my jaw really hurts too?  It’s like I’m clenching all the time and my face is worn out with the strain.  This has been going on for a few weeks now so I don’t think it’s related to my period, I suspect that it’s a product of being out of work and worrying about life in general…  I’m a bit of a worrier.  It’s in my nature.  I don’t like it but saying “Stop that!” and actually stopping are two different things.  Perhaps I’ll feel better once I’m at work again…

 

Keep everything crossed.

 

Foxy

New Job

Wow!  What a week! 

 

I had an extra long weekend before I started my new job – which was great for me to get more than caught up on the usual chores before I ran out of time…  The laundry is clean.  The fridge/freezer has been fixed and now seems to be an appropriate cold throughout. 

 

The job is just great.  It’s a small translation agency.  We get work in and forward it to translators.  We receive it back from translators and quality check it before we return it to the client.  Simple.  It does, however, require a lot of organisation and chasing and I think I can cope with that. 

 

But how does this role differ from the other jobs I’ve had?  Well, firstly the team is painfully small.  The company employs about 10 – 12 people in total – so we all have to get along.  We all have office chores to complete – we each take turns emptying the dishwasher or the bins and making rounds of tea.  This makes me feel like I’m part of the team rather than making me think that “I don’t get paid enough to do this sort of nonsense”.  It’s great when we all muck in and I feel that I have a lot to learn from everyone there.

 

Also, the owner of the company seems genuinely interested in her staff:  we have already had an interesting heart to heart about children.  She tends to chase us out of the office just after closing time.  She’s a real character with lots of charisma.  I find her easy to follow and her passion with the business is infectious.  She is slightly bonkers as well – which I think means that she’s fun.  We’re going to have our Christmas party in London before the end of February because they haven’t gotten around to having a Christmas party in 2008.  Of course, this means that I’m going to suggest and look into Christmas party venues and activities in September this year to ensure that we get something decent in December!

 

Thirdly, I think it’s an intelligent industry – I say this because I feel I have a lot to learn from everyone involved – I’m not just selling, selling, selling.  I have to learn to communicate with and manage people from different cultures to provide a service.  I’m getting a lot of training by watching her and another Account Manager.  I would say that that’s all I’ve done this week but in fact I was given a short project to finish off and I took charge of another (painfully small) project that I have already seen through to completion.  This has given me more confidence than I’ve had in a long time and I’m looking forward to next week already.

 

Have I finally landed on my feet?  Time will tell…  In the meantime I wish all of you a Happy Christmas. 

 

Foxy

Six things that make me smile

I was tagged by Jeanne at http://www.endendoat.blogspot.com/ and my friend at http://thebattlecontinues.blogspot.com/  to share six things that make me smile.  Since I like to focus on the positive, I’ll share these with you:

 

1. Helios.  I know, I know.  Everyone probably mentions their “better halves” at number 1 but he makes me smile.  I could list the reasons but I wouldn’t get around to the rest of my list if I did that!
2. My family.  It’s hard to keep maintain long distance relationships but they’ve been incredibly good about keeping in touch with me and just thinking of them makes me smile.  Thanks Mom and to my sister!
3. My friends.  There are quite a few people in my life who have no idea that I blog and I cherish all of them for reflecting different facets of my personality and just being good people.
4. My blog.  I’ve met some inspirational women by simply sharing my woes and I’m grateful for their friendship. 
5. Going to work.  It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed a job and going to work so I’m really savouring this feeling!
6. My garden.  In the summer I like getting my hands dirty and in the winter I love the way the light caresses the trees.  It reminds me of Maxfield Parrish paintings and always makes me smile.

  

 

I’m now tagging Emmy at http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/ and my friend at http://autoimmunelife.wordpress.com/.   I find them both inspiring and I would like to spread the smiles – the world needs more, don’t you think?

 

Foxy

Strange Translations

There is a village in France called “Mon Cul” which translated means (forgive my French) “My @ss”.

 

I just love learning about other cultures and I laughed so hard I nearly fell of the chair when my friend was telling me about this.  She said that there was a competition to help the Tourist Board come up with a catchy slogan to help entice people to Mon Cul. 

 

I will now pause while you ponder a few of your own ideas…  What would make you want to go to Mon Cul?

 

They wound up on the slogan “Discover the contours of Mon Cul” which is naughty enough to get a laugh but sensible enough to be enticing. 

 

My French friend also told me about a town they drive through to get to her parents’ house called “Fursac”.  I can’t think of any catchy slogans for that one.  “Sporren” is the only clean thing I can think to say about that.

 

Talking to her got me thinking about England…

 

For example in England there’s a couple of villages – one called “Upper Slaughter” and the other called “Lower Slaughter”.  Was “Jack the Ripper” inspired there?  More to the point: would you want to GO there?  I can just imagine telling my Mom – yes I had a lovely time in the Cotswolds on holiday.  I found a lovely B&B in Lower Slaughter and witnessed several murders before the end of a restful weekend…

 

What is the best way to pronounce “Ashby de la Zouche”?

 

What possessed people to name their town “Dorking” or worse “Cocking”!  Is there some sort of historic significance to it?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I like this country.  Strangely enough, I also like the humour in the place names here.  I don’t know why they put themselves through it, but I like the humour in it!

 

Foxy

Work Achievements and Other News

It’s the end of my second week at my new job and I’m still feeling confident.  I’ve come to grips with the process of dealing with translation projects and am starting to build relationships with translators.  I need to get involved in creating a spreadsheet of preferred suppliers but I can start that next week… 

 

My boss is completely mental.  She brings her cats to the office and I’m now officially an aunt to two cats.  In order to cope with the allergies, I take my nasal spray and wash my hands soon after stroking them.  Despite this, I find them relaxing in the office.  Sure, they’re a distraction but the fact that my boss brings them in the office makes the place seem fun. 

The cats themselves are sweet but went bonkers when they smelled the tuna in my salad.  They sat on my desk like vultures until I finished it off and put the bowl away.  I called it cupboard love and my boss suitably giggled.

 

In other news:

 

I saw Ramman after his birthday and because he keeps finding things in his house that he considers to be mine.  This time it was an old spoon, some more out-of-date paperwork and an old photo of a friend.  I went over to his house for a cup of tea (I brought my own because I’m a little particular – I need caffeine free drinks because caffeine instigates an insulin response.) and a chat.  It is nice to catch up with an old friend, and even nicer to leave Ramman’s house behind.  I don’t hate him but I have started to see him in the light that a lot of my friends and family see him – he really is full of himself.  I can’t help but think that he wanted to see me to crow about his impending job promotion and HUGE pay increase. 

 

At least this time he had the decency to remind me that his mortgage is a lot higher since I left him but I know that I took with me the equivalent of one year’s salary to him a few years ago and his salary and bonuses have only increased since I left.  What a pr!ck!  As if I’d ever feel sorry for him financially.  These days to even things out, I feel the need to crow when I’m around him: show off by telling him all the shows and movies I’ve recently so that I’m not outdone by him.  Beyond that it was nice to talk to him.  He seems to be doing much better these days, he’s lost weight and his ambition is taking to further dizzying heights.  I wish him luck.

 

I find I only have an emotional reaction when I go in the extra bedroom – which is where I was staying while I was separated from Ramman, and when I was courting Helios, before I found our flat.  The rest of the house is cold to me.  It’s as if I never lived there.  I used to find this reaction strange but now I don’t – it’s just how it is.  Perhaps it stems from the fact that I never felt comfortable living with hm?

 

I suppose at least the decade I spent with him isn’t a total waste at least we can still be friendly… 

 

Foxy

Fetch the wheelbarrow

 

My sister once said that she could tell the size of a man’s “member” just by looking at him.  She spouted something about confidence and how a man walked.  Ramman’s comment to that was “You mean when he’s in the buff and if he’s got a wheelbarrow with him?” 

 

I don’t know how accurate she is but she certainly sounded confident!  I suspect that she’s got more experience than I do – and she’s 12 years my junior!  Can I just say how irksome that is!  Of course I’m not jealous – I’m very happy with what I’ve got at the moment.  (So much so that last Christmas I got him “Sex God” underpants.)  I occasionally wonder if I missed anything.  I don’t think I did because I was never forward enough to fancy sex after just a few dates.  I don’t even kiss on the first date.  A peck on the cheek was the most I’ve ever thought about giving.  I’m not saying that my sister is any easier than I am either – she’s just been single longer than I’ve been throughout our lives.  And she’s louder than I am, which makes her sound more confident than I am, I expect.

 

I know there are a number of theories in discovering how large the package is before getting him home.  I remember when I was in college (centuries ago), I was at our lunch table with a bunch of my girlfriends.  One of them was loudly telling us all (I think she wound up working with the deaf) about her recent conquest and how disappointed she was when she saw.  I seem to remember a fishing analogy and “throwing back small minnows!”  The funniest thing about that lunch was the number of men who were craning their heads around eavesdropping on the conversation. 

 

Women check feet, a nose or anything like that but the most accurate tell-tale sign is checking a man’s hands.  I found that out from Helios!  Now, I don’t want to say that I’ve had a large sampling of men to check the accuracy of this statement but I can assure you that, amongst the small sampling of the male population that I’ve taken I’ll say it’s the most accurate indicator I’ve found.

 

Now you know.  It’s not got anything to do with confidence or a large Roman nose (Although I will say that a wheelbarrow would be a dead giveaway!), just examine your date’s hands and choose according to your requirements. 

 

Foxy

Jeanne’s Endo Blog – Chronic Conditions at Work

Jeanne at Jeanne’s Endo Blog has once again opened my eyes to issues that are surrounding the condition of Endometriosis.  Please please please have a look at her post dated 16th February and sign the petition!

 

http://www.endendoat.blogspot.com/

 

My dream is that a cure is found and that no other woman has to suffer the way I’ve done since I was 12 (I’m nearly 38 now!) and have to wait for years and years for a diagnosis.  Initially I was diagnosed with “cramps” when I was 12 and told to take painkillers.  The sad truth is that now I do have a proper diagnosis, the only treatment is painkillers, surgery and more recently I’ve been told to run my birth control pill packs together so that I have fewer periods.  This kind of treatment is simply not good enough! 

 

If you want to read an amazing article about living with chronic illness and maintaining a career/work please click on the article below.

 

http://www.more.com/work-money/work/chronic-illness/

 

This article was recommended by Jeanne in her blog and is a wonderful read. 

 

I will confess that I’ve not told my new employer about my medical conditions, mainly because I was desperate for the job and need to be able to cover the mortgage.  Sure, I’m confident that I can do the job – on the days when I’m not in pain.

 

I have had to learn how to communicate with doctors about the intensity of pain, the length of pain and how it effects my day-to-day life.  After reading the article, I realise that it’s OK to tell my work colleagues about my condition – but I’ll probably say that I’m getting better while meaning “I’m learning to live with my condition.”

 

As pain affects me only at certain times in my cycle, I’ve managed so far to omit telling anyone at my new job.  It wasn’t that long ago that the pain has been known to be so intense that I have been known to be sent home from work.  (Which is a really big thing for me considering I rarely have time off work for any other reason! I usually only relent after kicking and screaming and saying “but I’m not contagious!”)  If my pain arrives at the weekend (or indeed once I’ve been sent home) the best thing for me to do is load up on my prescription painkillers and make a boiling hot hot-water bottle and curl up on the couch with a movie or just go to bed.  

 

Unfortunately, my condition is such that I know it will eventually get worse and will be so bad that I’ll need surgery again.  (I’ve had two surgeries for it already!)  When I’m suffering with the pain, I can’t cope.  Once I’ve had enough painkillers to cope with the pain, I can’t cope because I’m really doped up.  Either way I’m completely incapacitated and unfit for work.

 

Should I tell the gang at my new work?  Would it be worth doing considering I’m not planning to have a period as often as before?  Isn’t it awful that anyone should have to think like this and worry about keeping a job! 

 

I’ll try and remain positive and ponder my options…  Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

Foxy

Xmas party Feb 09

I don’t know why my new work put off their Christmas party until February but I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know everyone outside of work yesterday. 

 

I was unsure if I should wear my black dress so I tried it on in front of Helios.  He said I looked great and when I asked if he thought it was too low-cut, he simply said “boobies”!  The dress nearly went back in the wardrobe!  I knew that everyone else would be dressing up so I decided to scare the natives with the sight of my cleavage!

 

We had nearly a full day at work – we all left the office and caught the 3 pm train into London. 

 

We started off at Brown’s in London with “Afternoon Tea” which consisted of a choice of tea (I chose Rose – which was delicious), finger sandwiches without crusts, scones with jam and clotted cream, and a variety of pretty finger cakes.  This wide variety of carbs arrived in a tower of plates that were replenished accompanied (in my case) with a glass of pink champagne.  It was all terribly civilised and frightfully English.  I really enjoyed myself.  I don’t often get to behave like a lady and do something that I would consider to be “refined”.  After we couldn’t possibly eat any more, we took a short walk to another hotel for cocktails and water.

 

I knew I’d be suffering a bit today.  Of course, I am.  Not only do I have a little headache, I also feel even more dry and hot vaginally than I have done over the past few weeks.  I will have to be doubly strict with my diet over the next few days to feel more normal. 

 

I’ve been told that the vaginal pain comes because I have low oestrogen levels (which is related to my PCOS problem) but my most recent specialist insisted that my birth control would give me more than enough oestrogen – but clearly that’s not entirely the case…  I’m starting to think that the only answer I’m going to find is that there isn’t a balance and I have to decide which symptoms I can most easily live with on a day to day basis.

 

It’s not good enough, is it?

 

Sorry, I started off this entry bragging about a Xmas party in February and I’ve ended up having another moan.  I’ll have another glass of water now and go back to bed.

 

Foxy

Keeping fit with sexercise

Exercise is good for my endometriosis and PCOS.  It helps my body regulate everything.  I therefore have been making the effort and walking to and from work recently.  Already I’m noticing an increased stamina but I’ve got a long way to go before I’m in as good a shape as Helios.  He’s been walking to work most days since he got the job in the village.  It’s good for him not just for the usual issues but also because he’s got an issue with one of the bones in his foot and it benefits from regular walking.

 

Bearing all of the above in mind, I couldn’t help but laugh when Helios sent me the link to the below BBC article. 

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/health/4703166.stm

 

I’ve said for years that sex is good for you but now I’ve got a list of good reasons!  I have to say that I had no idea that you’d burn quite so many calories per hour – but then who ever manages to keep going for an hour.  Oh yeah, that’s right, Helios and I manage long sessions regularly!  I hate to brag but I will if only because I’m so much happier now than I ever have been before so I hope you’ll forgive my crowing!

 

Foxy

 

Odd ramblings…

When I was young I loved horses.  OK, that’s an understatement.  I used to run around on all fours (with my bottom high in the air) so that I sounded like a horse running.  I told my mom once that I wanted to make horse noises (neighing) for the movies and when she asked why anyone wouldn’t just get a horse to do this instead, I said “I’d do it better than a horse”.  I used to pretend that my bicycle was a horse.  I even told my mom that I wanted to marry a horse!  Once my grandmother was so concerned, she asked my mother if she’d been frightened by a horse when she was pregnant with me.  When I say that I think I was an odd child – I’m really referring to days like these.  Luckily I slowly grew out of it.  I still think that they’re elegant animals.  At one point I was tempted to take a blacksmith course and escape to the country but I know I’m really too happy with my creature comforts to ever really do that…  Not to mention I get terrible allergies!

 

When I was young Dad had an accident in his silver Pontiac Grand Prix and he bought a red one for spares.  He then would take me to a farm at the weekend and he’d work on the car and I’d look at the rabbits and braid my hair in the hopes that something I did would give my hair a bit of shape – of course nothing seemed to work until I discovered hair curlers.  I had a phase of sleeping in curlers with hair gel on my hair and then VOILA curls in the morning but the curls always seemed to die away after an hour or two.  Isn’t it funny how people always want what they don’t have. 

 

When I’m not excited, I’m too hot to sleep or just laying there in bed of an evening thinking about work and the mortgage and what I should do with my old diamond ring that was leftover from my relationship with Ramman.  Do I sell it now or wait until the market has picked up?  Or do I just hang onto it and give it to my sister by my Will after I’m gone?  I’m tempted to sell it to be honest.  Trouble is when do I sell it and what do I do with the money?  I really don’t want to sell it only to spend the money on the mortgage (and now that I have a job I won’t necessarily have to) but it seems silly to keep it in the cupboard when I don’t really want it anymore.  I would sell it and just put the money by for a rainy day but the interest rates aren’t very good at the moment and it might be more financially astute to hang onto it until better times. 

 

I’m afraid I’m just rambling this time.  I’ll try and make more sense next time!

 

Foxy 

Endometriosis Awareness – Bloody Hell!

I recently saw a poster for Endometriosis UK entitled “Bloody Hell”.  Finally a phrase that succinctly explains what it’s like to live with Endometriosis!

 

I have lived with the symptoms since I was 12.  I used to vomit from the pain and all the doctors could do was give me painkillers and a pat on the head.

 

Since then I’ve had 3 laparoscopies (two for Endometriosis and one for PCOS) and I’m taking birth control pills – running 3 pill packs together so I don’t have periods too often. 

 

It’s a pathetic solution if you ask me.  Thinking about it, why should I suffer pain that keeps me from working – even if it is only six times a year instead of 12.  Sure, fewer times a year is good but I’ve been on a monthly cycle for so long that I’m afraid it’s going to take my hormones years to get into the new rhythm.  In the meantime, my cycle seems to start normally, I start to get PMT (US translation: PMS) in week 3 and I don’t stop being a real pain in the butt for about 3 weeks.  Then my body seems to have decided that it’s not going to happen again and I start to feel remotely normal.  Then I stop and have a period and the cycle starts all over again!

 

I sometimes wonder if I were bleeding from the eyes, would I get better service from doctors?  If a limb dropped off just outside the doctor’s office, would I get more sympathy and a solution that helps me cope with my condition?  I don’t want to go on and on about the fact that no one can see my pain and perhaps that’s why I lived with the condition for so long before I got surgery and a diagnosis.

 

Now, I realise that life isn’t fair and you have to take what you’re given and make the most of it BUT I will not accept that endometriosis is something that I can simply live with!

 

Foxy

Petting Zoo – Why I hate wearing dresses!

For some reason, Mom recently remembered taking me to the petting zoo when I was about 6.  Well, there was an incident.  She only remembered hearing me cry and she rescued me.

 

What she didn’t realise was I remembered what happened. 

 

I was dropped in the petting zoo with some feed and told to head toward the exit.  The first few minutes were pretty good.  The goats’ mouths felt like sticky fingers picking the feed off my palm.  It didn’t take long for the goats to get through the feed and they were still hungry. 

 

They were so hungry that they started eating my dress. 

 

Please don’t forget that I was only 6 at the time so my panic, I hope, is understandable.  As my dress was disappearing down the gullet of a goat, I was wondering how I was going to extract myself from it.  Was it going to start on me once it finished my dress?  Should I squeeze myself out of the dress and run for my life in the nude?  Was I going to be able to rescue my dress out of the goat at all?  Was I going to hurt the goat if I tried to pull it out of the goat?

 

All the while the goat was really enjoying my dress.  I heard this as it was disappearing: 

 

“Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum”

 

Of course I started to cry.  It seemed like the most sensible thing to do.  Mom rescued me and, after many many years, she laughed.

 

I suppose it only goes to show that most scary incidents are actually funny after a while…

 

Foxy

Endometriosis Awareness – Doctors

Bearing in mind that endometriosis is invisible (and by that I mean a doctor isn’t just going to look at you and immediately make a diagnosis – it’s not obvious like your leg falling off!), I have discovered the best way to get what you want out of your doctor’s appointments is to think about what you want to get out of it before you arrive.

 

For example, before I saw my dietitian I made a spreadsheet detailing my symptoms, what I was eating, what I was drinking, when I was eating/drinking during the day, pain levels, the date of my cycle, exercise taken, sleeping patterns, stress levels and my energy levels every day.  When I noted the pain levels I would give it a rating from 1 – 5 but then in my symptoms I would also detail if I’d been sent home, what painkillers I took to help me cope, how long the painkillers worked and if I also needed a hot water bottle.  I kept this up for almost a month before I saw my dietitian and it was a good start for her to see what was good, what was bad and what was triggering some of my symptoms. 

 

It is worth making detailed notes of how the pain makes you feel – be very descriptive.  For instance, during my last marriage, I would roll around on the floor in the night in agony because if I stayed in the bed I would have kept Ramman awake.  I used to take prescription anti-inflammatories, prescription painkillers and the pain would still wake me up in the night!  I have been known to spend whole weekends in bed, in the foetal position, having taken lots of pain medication and keeping a boiling-hot hot water bottle on my lower back.  I’ve even blistered my back in an effort to kill the pain!  When I told my doctor this, I showed her my scars.  Strangely enough she listened more intently after I showed her the scars!

 

The good news for me is that so far my periods haven’t been too bad with my new cycle.  I am still suffering fatigue and my hormones are all over the place.  I am hoping that the longer I’m on my new “longer” cycle, the more comfortable I’ll feel. 

 

It’s the details that help a doctor know exactly what you’re going through.  If all else fails, get a second opinion.  It’s your health, after all.  You don’t deserve to suffer.

 

Foxy

Career and Relationships

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago.  She is a young lawyer – about 25.  She had taken a new job and was about to move to London to be nearer her boyfriend.  But she was depressed.  She was desperate for him to pop the question and she suddenly became even more depressed when I told her that I’ve been married twice.

 

What bothered me wasn’t that she wanted this guy to pop the question – it was the feeling I got that she wanted ANY man to pop the question and that I suspect she just wanted to get to “happily ever after”. 

 

I do believe that some women can be fixated on the wedding day as the be all and end all of life.  Even intelligent career-minded women seem susceptible to a kind of delusion that life will be fulfilled on that magical date.  Love will conquer all.

 

Now, what I’m going to say may shock you BUT the important bit about the wedding day isn’t what you wear or what vows you take but WHO you are going to spend the rest of your life with.  Take it from me, it’s a mistake rushing into a marriage with just anyone. 

 

So, here are some top tips for making sure you’ve got the right one:

 

• Laughter.  Giggling is a necessity rather than a nice to have.
• Respect.  Sometimes that means agreeing to disagree.  You don’t have to support the same football team.  You do have to be able to laugh at the end of a grudge match.
• Communication.  I’m not just talking about the first few months of a relationship when you’re going through your dim and distant past and setting the world to rights.  No.  I actually mean when one of you thinks that you’re about to lose your job and you both need to sit down and discuss finances without pointing fingers.  You need to be able to listen and discuss problems and then work through solutions without judging each other.
• Honesty.  I suppose that this also comes under the heading of communication, but you have to truthfully be able to say when you are hurting or when you are feeling a little delicate so that you can be supported by one another.  Also, you cannot take offence at every little misdemeanour – you are both different and you will accidentally step on one another’s toes from time to time.
• Common goals.  It’s no good marrying someone who, in 5 years time, sees himself the father of 3 in a 7 bedroom house and he works 12 – 16 hour days to put these dreams into place when you would prefer to wait a few years and see the world and not spend every weekend and vacation painting, building, roofing, gardening, paint-stripping, door hanging, kitchen installing and never having any fun.  Obviously if your idea of having fun is painting, building, roofing, gardening, paint-stripping, door hanging and kitchen installing then you’ve got your man!  Needless to say, if you’ve got wanderlust and have found a home-improver, you need to examine your priorities and have serious conversations about where you’re both going and how you both can get what you want out of life…
• Common interests.  You have to be able to enjoy life together.
• Outside interests.  You have to be able to have a little life outside one another otherwise you’ll wind up suffocating each other.
• Sex.  Yes, last but not least you have to tick all the boxes. Get someone that is actually worth having.  In this way I mean someone who is a good listener wants to know what takes you all the way.

 

While a wedding day is all very romantic – it is after all the day when you state to the world that you are committed to spending your future to one another – it is only one day.  Thereafter you have to spend the rest of your lives together.

 

Foxy

Twitter frustration, head-cold and The Confucius Stage

It’s taken a number of weeks and I’ve finally sat down to try to get my head around Twitter.  Perhaps it’s because of my head-cold, but I still can’t understand it.  I am there at least…

 

This week at work was busy but calm.  I now tend to just stay at the office until I get certain things sorted.  Sometimes it’s easier to get someone started on a translation by sending them an email and ringing them on a Friday evening than waiting until Monday morning and praying that a translator will have enough time before my deadline next week!

 

Despite our colds, Helios and I babysat the neighbour’s daughter last night.  She was good as gold.  She’s just over a year old and into everything.  I love the age that she’s at because she tends to say things with lots of emotion (sometimes very seriously like a philosopher) but in no tongue that I can understand.  I call it “The Confucius Stage”.  She regularly gave her stuffed duck some water with her Tommy Tippee cup. 

 

Helios asked me more than once if she was dirty because he could smell her.  I didn’t realise my head was quite so full of cold because I couldn’t smell her at all!  I went ahead and changed her – sure enough, she needed it!  We then watched Looney Toons I gave her a bottle and we had a cuddle before she went to bed.  I thought she would go to sleep on me but didn’t drift off until Helios took her and patted her bottom.

 

It was when I was changing her that I realised just how much things have changed since I last changed nappies.  These fasten with Velcro!  She has a special bin for the dirty nappies that I just couldn’t work out how to open.  I asked the baby but she just looked at me…  In the end I had to ask Helios to figure out.  Luckily he’s slightly more mechanically minded than I am and I think we disposed of the dirty properly.

 

Just before the proud parents returned home, the baby had a little night terror and started crying but I patted her bottom until she settled again.

 

Luckily the rest of the weekend we have nothing planned.  I’ve already had an afternoon nap today and plan to get lots more rest tomorrow.

 

Foxy

National Health Service

I’ve had a cold for roughly two weeks now.  I’m, once again, looking forward to a quiet weekend and hoping that rest will help me kick this thing once and for all. 

 

I’m still walking into work but getting Helios to come and collect me every evening – partly due to the rains and partly due to the fact that I’m coughing up my lungs by the time 5:30 comes around.  I am so tired!

 

I’ve had to make another appointment with the GP to get more Prozac.  Even though I’m tired and grouchy at the moment, at least my heart doesn’t feel like it’s wrapped in a cloud. 

 

I’ve had PMT for several weeks now.  I never thought I would be looking forward to a period but I am at the moment.  I’m bloated, grouchy, hot, tired and my back has been aching off and on.

 

Now I’m going to say something about the National Health Service.  I grew up in the US where the worry wasn’t just that someday you might get ill – but also that you’d have to find a way to pay for it! 

 

I don’t like to talk about the NHS in England because I know so many women in my position do not have access to free care.  When I need to go to the GP, I go.  I walk in, see the doctor and then walk back out again without stopping to pay a bill or confirm insurance details.  When I needed to use my private medical insurance (usually obtained through work), I went to the GP, got a referral to a specialist, phoned my insurance company to get authorisation, went to the specialist (and confirmed my insurance details), and then left again without paying a bill.  I sometimes get letters in the post through from my insurance company where they confirm they have paid a bill.  That’s it.

 

As far as prescriptions go, I normally pay a nominal amount per prescription.  There was a time when I was taking so much medication that I got a pre-pay prescription certificate.  This certificate allowed me to pay a one-off lump sum that covered all my prescriptions for the year.  Believe me when I say that I made it worth my while!

 

Of course, I pay taxes to fund this.  10% of my salary goes toward this vital service. There are some services I honestly don’t mind paying – Police, Schools and National Health are at the top of that list! 

 

So there you have it.  I have health worries without the worry of how to pay for treatment.  Now, I could moan the way the English do and say how bad standards are, or how dirty the hospitals are or how the government is closing hospitals due to funding shortages, BUT it’s here.  The structure is in place and we can do something about improving it. 

 

The fact is that one of the richest countries in the world, I never could work out why you don’t have an NHS.  I vaguely remember Bill Clinton promising this and he put his wife in charge of the task force but then it disappeared.  I don’t even remember hearing excuses as to where it went to or why.  Now, I know Republicans are all for business and BIG business at that, but do Republicans have any health worries?  Do they have a hard time finding the money to pay health insurance?  Or do they walk in front of a bus when their money runs out?  (Sorry, that was a cheap shot, I know.)

 

I can’t help but wonder these things because I’ve got Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovaries and Insulin Resistance.  I don’t have a “high profile” disease that will kill me.  I have a syndrome and a disease that have occasionally made me wish for death because the pain was so bad.  How do people in the US cope?  How do you cope?  While I agree that we need to raise the profile of Endometriosis, isn’t your first priority getting the money sorted?  Hey, we don’t have a cure but at least the surgeries won’t cost an arm and a leg anymore!!

 

Birdworld

Helios is turning 40 this year in November.  I wanted to do something for him that he’d never forget, partly because it’s a big birthday and partly because I want to be the best wife/girlfriend he’s ever had.  I know it’s silly, and he’s told me more than once that I’m the best he’s ever had, but I want to let him know how much I appreciate him.  He deserves it.  Well, there’s this zoo nearby that house only birds (Appropriately enough, it’s called Birdworld) and, since he’s a twitcher (that’s what the English call someone who’s into ornithology), I thought I’d get him an experience as a Keeper for a Day.

 

When you do things like this for someone you want it to be a nice surprise but I was having a slight crisis of confidence one morning on the way into work last week and he got it out of me.  Now, he’s not the kind of bloke that gushes and says “Thank you!” with hugs and kisses, etc.  He’s just not built like that.  Instead, over the next few days I kept hearing about how so-and-so said this about his being a Keeper for a Day and someone else said this about him being a Keeper for a Day.  When Helios would tell me about these incidents, his eyes would crinkle slightly in the corners.  It was then that I knew I’d done OK.

 

The experience started on Tuesday morning when I dropped him off at the place well before they opened.  I wasn’t sure what they’d have him doing but I know he never shys away from hard work.  I didn’t see him again until lunchtime when he told me that I had competition – one of the pink and grey parrots seemed to have fallen head over heels in love with him!  She’s called Taloola and she rejected the banana chip Helios tried to give her and instead climbed up his hand, walked up his arm and whispered in his ear.  Helios seemed quite smitten too!  Over lunch he told me all about the hard work cutting up fruit, gutting fish and cutting up chicken.  He then told me all about Taloola – and his eyes crinkled at the sides like they always do when he’s happy. 

 

All the other Keepers were surprised that any bird should come straight to Helios but he told them that I wouldn’t be surprised.  I wasn’t.  It’s not the first time he’s managed to tame a wild creature without any effort at all.

 

After lunch we visited Taloola and she came straight to Helios and they cooed at each other the way love birds do.  I filmed the exchange.  I think that men should be allowed to have a tender side and my Helios looked at her the same way he looks at me sometimes.   It was lovely to see… It made me proud, if that’s the right word. 

 

Taloola wasn’t the only bird who completely fell for Helios.  A bit further on there was a brown laughing thrush who rushed towards Helios and spent a good few minutes being stroked by him.  She seemed to love it and Helios said that she just wanted some attention but when I went back to her on my own she rushed toward me and looked around me – as if to ask “Where’s Helios?” and she wandered off into the undergrowth again.  Clearly she didn’t want attention from just anyone! 

 

The rest of the day Helios spent going from enclosure to enclosure feeding the birds and shovelling sand. As he was working, I spent a couple of hours going around the place and taking photos.  Towards the middle of the afternoon, Helios got to feed the penguins which is quite a treat, except when a hungry penguin pecked at his calf.  He’s got a small very dark bruise there now.

 

All in all he seemed to have a splendid time and hasn’t yet stopped talking about it.  Of course, I’m now wondering what we can do for his birthday a bit nearer the time…  I know there’s another “experience” thing I’d like for him to do but that might have to be given to him on his birthday and organise the day a bit later on next spring/summer.  I’ll tell you all about that once his birthday is over and done with because he likes to read these posts too.

 

It’s left me wondering what I should ask for for my 40th.  I don’t want to appear greedy or too pedestrian in my request, but I know if I don’t at least give him some pointers he’ll just ask me for some.  So, I’m thinking maybe a day feeling a bit feminine, having a massage and a manicure?  Or something a bit more cultured, like a day in London at a museum or something like that?  Actually, there are so many places I’ve not been that I might suggest a long weekend away somewhere in Europe.  I know my English friends think that Europe is still pretty pedestrian but, having grown up in the US, Europe is still the height of exotic to me…  Of course that will mean that I need to get my butt into gear and get a UK passport.  I should be able to apply for that in the next couple of months…

 

In the meantime, I get to try and organise the second “half” of his 40th birthday celebrations.  I just hope he likes what else I have in mind!

 

Foxy

Walking to work and other odd ramblings…

One of the good things about walking to work is that I get to slowly wake up en-route.  At the moment I’m really enjoying the blossoms – daffodils, tulips, flowering shrubs and trees.  You would have thought that this would make me skip down the hill in the mornings but at the moment I’m so hot and have had a cold for so long that I am really not happy dragging myself into the office.  Of course, I feel obligated to drag myself into the office even though I’m not 100% because I’m not really bad enough to stay at home – and it’s a new job so I’m still trying to impress…

 

In an effort to feel better, I’ve started taking Echinacea and extra Vitamin C.  I’m sucking on throat sweets, drinking lots of herbal teas and going to sleep early every night. 

 

I get so hot in the night that I kick off most of the covers and they land on Helios.  He had to remake the bed last night because the covers were in a state with all my kicking.  Just a note here, there are certain tasks that Helios always does: the ironing (because he’s ex-RAF and much much better at it than I am), drying the dishes (because I’m better at washing than drying), and making the bed (because it’s far far easier for him to do and, being ex-RAF, you can bounce a coin off the covers when he’s done). 

 

Now, part of my problem is that I finally decided to have a period because the PMT was unbearable.  I was hot with PMT.  Now I’m hot with DMT (D stands for During) and I still have this gastly cold that leaves me wondering if I’m feverish or if it’s just DMT.  I will be so happy when I am finally onto this cycle and my body expects it!  I suppose I shouldn’t complain – at least I’m not doubled-over in pain this time!

 

The good thing about this cold is that my voice has gone quite deep.  I am notorious at work for “chatting up” translators to get what I want but now I don’t have to make as much effort! 

 

The weather here recently has been just glorious.  I truly believe that there’s nothing as beautiful as England in the summer when the weather is sunny. 

 

I’m lucky that I’ve been surfing in England in the dim and distant past.  There’s something slightly surreal about driving down to Cornwall in a convertible with The Beach Boys playing on the radio…  Surf in England isn’t like the surf you get elsewhere.  The English like to make the best of things and the surf in Cornwall is not terribly high…  I think we get about a foot of surf – maximum.  It’s great for me because I think I would be intimidated by large waves.  Originally I’m from a land-locked region of the US.  The most amount of water I regularly saw was in the toilet.  I’ve been told that some people, alcohol-enhanced, would occasionally toilet-surf but I’ve never partaken in such events!

 

However, I did once go to a Halloween Party dressed all in white with white flowers in my hair and a sign on my back that said “Kiss me I’m a Virgin!”  That was my costume.  I digress, and that was a very long time ago – I was still at university back then!

 

Surfing is strangely relaxing.  There’s a rhythm to waiting for the right wave and a lovely satisfaction when you catch one.   I have a tendency to giggle all the way to the beach!  I also like it because I truly believe a wet-suit looks great on anyone.  With all black and brightly coloured piping in all the right places just looks fantastic!  I’d love to see Helios in one!   Va Va Voom!

 

Sgt. Pepper

It was 20 years ago…

 

Mom kindly made me feel absolutely ancient the other day when she sent me an email reminder for my 20th Class Reunion.

 

I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that I’m 20 years older and the best years of my health are behind me or realising just how much potential I used to have and how I’ve squandered it over the years…

 

But let’s not focus on the negative.  I also have been wondering about the people I used to know back then – boyfriend, friends and family.  I think about what I used to do and what I used to want from life: priorities and goals.  I sometimes wonder if anyone from my class would be interested to hear from me (Am I conceited in thinking this?)  There are only a select few that I really want to know about.

 

Love

Back then I was madly in love with my first fiancée.  His saving grace was that he was good in bed.  Perhaps that’s why I stayed with him for as long as I did?  I adored him and let him run my life.  In the end I left him before we got married, not because I’d met someone else but because he wanted me to be just like him.  In the end I hated that.  Of course now it seems so long ago that I wonder if it all happened to someone else – or maybe I read it in a book?  No it was me.  I know I learned a lot from the relationship so I can’t complain how things turned out.  It was hard at the time – but then what isn’t hard?

 

Potential

20 years ago I was finishing off high school and looking forward to a successful college career.  I wanted to become a teacher and I was focused on that.  I even volunteered at a local school in my spare time. 

 

Now I feel as though all my potential is gone.  I am unable to have a fruitful career due to my continuing health issues, I can’t change career because it’s too expensive – I won’t be able to afford my mortgage.  I couldn’t have children (financially as well as physically) even if I wanted them.  All my original plans have been torn apart and thrown in the bin.  For a number of years I regretted not becoming a teacher but these days I find I don’t have the patience or energy that I used to.  I don’t think I could cope with it now.  I expect it would be too difficult for me – considering how tired I am all the time. 

 

So, ultimately I’m happy with the way things have turned out.  I’m in a great relationship in a lovely flat in a great location.  I feel lucky.  I take great delight in counting my blessings.  I suppose that’s the bit of my personality that hasn’t changed over the past 20 years – I enjoy looking on the bright side of life.

 

Foxy

Project work

 

I finally had my period and managed to go to work at the same time.  This is only the second one since my laparoscopy in November.  I’ve been running pill packs together and praying that the pain isn’t too bad.

 

Well, I’ve managed it.  The first couple of days were a little tricky but I can’t complain.  It had been so long since I had had a period that I didn’t have any necessities in the house!  I bought a package of pads first thing Monday morning and carried it around with me all week.  At least my period didn’t leave me feeling dizzy, light-headed and drowsy. 

 

I woke up last Thursday with severe stomach cramps.  I had serious diarrhoea and then fell asleep at 11:00 in the morning.  As I was drifting off I thought “I’ll have an hour or two and then do a little light housework.”  Well, I woke up at 4!  I was surprised but so drowsy that I didn’t bother with the light housework – instead I threw some chicken breasts in the oven and waited for Helios to get home.  Strangely enough I went to bed slightly early that evening and I slept through the night.  I must have needed the rest!

 

I went to work on Friday though.  I thought that it would be a relatively easy day.  Boy was I wrong!  I arrived at work at roughly 8:30 and I didn’t leave the office until 7.

 

This week has already been completely bonkers.  We had a 90,000 word translation to do in less than five days.  We had to split it up between over 20 translators in order to get the job done on time!  You cannot imagine what it’s been like to try and keep everything in mind and everything up to date!  On top of this, I’ve had my hands full with the rest of my job – smaller projects that still need to be put through the process.  Its one MANIC week already!

 

I really need to be on top of my work.  I coordinate translation projects and I am expected to know where every scrap of work is at any given time.  I have to be on my toes, fill in all the plans/procedures and, as much as I like it (I’m very good at organisation and every project that is completed makes me feel successful.  I like feeling successful!) I do find it tiring sometimes. 

 

So now you know why I was terrified of getting my period – me being slightly off can cause confusion.  Confusion is the worst thing when

everyone expects me to be organised and quick with the answers! 

 

Foxy

Sleep as entertainment?

I have mad dreams but I’m glad I’m not the only one.  Helios has been known to say and do some pretty strange things while asleep. 

 

Some people snore.  Others talk in their sleep.  Helios is one of the latter.  The other night, just as I was drifting off, Helios was still spooning me.  One hand was on my hip and the other was on my head.  I was just at that point where I felt I was floating and starting to drift off when I heard something that sounded very much like a dog’s snarl.  I was so surprised that I started hyperventilating (what would you do?).  My hyperventilating woke Helios enough to warrant a “Shhhhhhhh” before he rolled over and fell immediately to sleep again.  He thinks I’m making it up when I tell him these things.

 

Last night he was at it again.  Helios said

 

“Oh yeah.

 

Yeah.

 

Yep.

 

Oh yeah.” And then he shook his head before he said “Woo hoo!”

 

The strange thing is that I sometimes wonder (If I’m awake enough to think and not hyperventilate!) what the best response is.  I don’t particularly want to wake him if I can avoid it – I can’t help but wonder if it’s a bit like waking a sleep-walker – i.e. not the done thing – or if I can get away with saying something to him like “Don’t be silly, honey, go to sleep.”  The trouble is that I can’t tell if he’s asleep.  He says things in his usual volume of voice and I can’t tell if he’s talking to me or if he’s just spouting some sleepy dream.

 

I did have an entire sleep conversation with him once.  I can’t remember what it was that he said at first – something very strange like “Banana Hammock” so I asked him if that was an English Expression.  He sounded annoyed and said “No.” so I decided to leave the questions until the morning.  When I asked him about it the next day I was surprised that he didn’t recall the conversation. 

 

Now, that’s not the strangest thing he gets up to.  Helios has been known to he feel frisky and wakes up halfway through intimacy – he claims that I molest him in his sleep!  Luckily it’s something that we can laugh about even though the first couple of times it happened I felt terribly guilty.  I don’t like the idea that I hurt him or made him feel uncomfortable but, like I say, we laugh about it when it happens.  He doesn’t complain too loudly because, he says, he doesn’t want me to stop doing it…

 

Foxy

Zen Breakfast

Everyone greets the day differently.  I like to take my time getting out of bed in the morning (just ask Mom who used to light a fire under me when I was young!) and I’m lucky that Helios likes a little privacy too.  So he gets up about an hour before he really has to and he reads the Football Gossip on the BBC website and checks the news, etc. 

 

This morning I decided that I wasn’t going to be able to get back to sleep after he left me and I started flitting around the flat – making breakfast and lunch, getting dressed, etc.  Well, at 8 Helios looked at me and said “If you’re ready we may as well walk to work.” Now, even with the walk that puts me at work at about 8:30 – which is early but not too early.  On the way down the hill and into town he complained that I’d interrupted his “Zen Breakfast”. 

 

Zen Breakfast.

 

Isn’t that great?  It conjures up an image of Helios (with his beautiful red hair and beard) in a bright orange cloth pressing his hands together and kneeling before a Buddah with a serene expression on his face.

 

This is the same guy who yells at the TV every evening when he’s watching the quiz shows and I’m cooking in the kitchen.  Sometimes I can easily hear the TV myself and sometimes I can’t.  It just depends on what I’m throwing together.  It has to be said that there’s a surreal quality to the things he shouts:

 

“It’s Perry Como.”

 

“You IDIOT!  It’s PERRY COMO!  Everyone knows that!”

 

“It’s NOT Argentina!  Argentina has a huge coastline!”

 

“Stop Waffling and SAY THE ANSWER!!!”

 

“Egyptian.  It’s EGYPTIAN you idiot!!”

 

“Foxy!  What state is San Francisco in?”

 

“Pine NUT!!!”

 

“That’s mine!” (when he hears that the Sports Round is next)

 

I usually join him saying “Don’t hold back darlin’ – say what you think.”

 

He’s a Scorpio.  He also has red hair.  On paper he should have a terrible temper but he only seems to shout at the TV or when he talks about the idiots at work.  It makes me laugh when he has a rant. 

 

Foxy

Happy Easter!

To everyone -

Happy Easter

Foxy

Virus

I was at home again today.  My stomach was playing up again this morning – vomiting and diarrhoea.  YUK!

 

I dragged myself to the doctor just to ensure I’m doing all I can to feel better.  The doc seemed to think I’ve got a virus.  She looked at my throat, my ears, took my temperature and felt my stomach.  She doesn’t want me back to work until after the Easter holiday. I’m so tired.  The past couple of weeks I’ve been fighting off a cold and feeling worse and worse instead of better.  I haven’t been sleeping at night.  I get hot and kick off the covers.  I must just be really run down. 

 

I can’t help but worry about work.  It’s only typical that I finally get my endometriosis symptoms under control and then I get broadsided by a virus.  OK, I’ve only had a total of 3 days off work (counting tomorrow) but I don’t ever want to be out of work again!

 

I’m trying to remain positive but I am having a hard time of it just now…

 

Foxy

Happy Pills, Employment and Nerves

I’ve been taking Prozac since December.  I think I needed it for some time (even before my divorce!) but kept resisting because of the stigma attached…

 

Well, it helps but since I’ve been having problems at work nothing has helped.  I had two days off last week (just before the long Easter weekend which is a national holiday in England) because I had diarrhoea and was vomiting last week.  I dragged myself into the doctor’s office and she diagnosed a virus and told me to go home and get some rest.

 

I told my boss about what the doctor said and she said that she had the right, especially in the current economic climate, to rely on her staff and that my probation period should end.  I have begged for a second chance and am due to speak to her again on Tuesday.  I really don’t want to talk to her at all for a number of reasons.  Just thinking about it sends my stomach going base over apex! 

 

Now, I’ve not told you the whole truth about this job of mine.  The fact of the matter is that after a number of loud verbal dressing-downs for what I would consider a minor infraction (such as not completing my email filing or not doing something quickly enough or once I was shouted at because someone else had renamed a file and no one admitted to it – so she shot the messenger) I’ve suffered from nerves.  Bearing in mind that I started the job in February, either I’m not doing well or she has a terrible temper.  The sad fact is that I’m not the only one that she shouts at regularly so I thought she just had a temper.  If I had been a bit more my old confident self, it wouldn’t bother me as much as it does.  As we all know, suffering from nerves is not a good thing if you’re sat next to a bully.  I can’t get away from her.

 

Needless to say, I’ve lost weight; I’m not sleeping; I’m near tears an awful lot, I’m constantly thinking about work and I’ve started looking for another job. 

 

That wouldn’t be the worst thing but when I was looking I found my job advertised.  Now, I know it might sound a bit rich coming from a woman who is looking for another job but I was terribly shocked to see the ad for my own job when my boss agreed to hear me out.  Helios sensibly said that she’s probably just testing the market and that I shouldn’t read anything into it. 

 

I need to try and get some rest this long weekend and prepare for a two-pronged front.  On the one side I need to prepare and try to convince this witch that I am the one she wants while looking for another job and try to conceal any interviews I may have…  Not going to be easy.  Wish me luck!  I need it.

 

Foxy

Looking for Work

Well I tried.

 

I discussed my job with my boss but with every point I raised, she countered with something else that I’d done wrong.  There came a point where I thought “I’m not going to win here.” So I said “It sounds like you’ve made your mind up.  What do you think is the best way forward?” 

 

I’ve got garden leave for the rest of this week and then I’m on my own, again. 

 

I gave her the keys to the building and she gave me my belongings and I left.  I did mention to her before I left that I do have contacts in the documentation industry and I still want to give her access to these contacts.  We will organise something in the near future. 

 

I didn’t want to leave on a bad note.  I would like a decent recommendation after all!

 

I’ve applied for a number of jobs already.  I managed to get some advice about finding a job from a couple of friends at the weekend – including Ramman.  I’m trying to feel positive.  I’ve started giving the flat a good clean and I’ve been ringing the agencies and checking websites for positions.  I have noticed that the market seems to have picked up slightly since I last looked for work.  I’m hoping that means I will find something soon!

 

There is more good news – I temped for a week back in January and the company may want me for some more time later on this month.  I’ve love to go back.  I’ve also been told that they really liked me so I’m hoping that someone there will give me a good reference too!

 

Foxy

Job Hunt

The job market isn’t as bad as the media have been making out recently.  There are a number of opportunities on every website I’ve visited.

 

In the meantime, I’m spending my days online and looking for more work.  I’m using all my contacts to ensure I don’t miss anything and I’m sincerely hoping that I’ll start interviewing soon.  Normally I interview well, I spend a lot of time researching the company and coming up with cunning questions.

 

These include:

 

What is the atmosphere like?

Do you have a specific dress code?

How many people are you seeing for this position?

When are you looking to make a decision?

How do you think I will fit into the team?

How did this role become available?

 

 

I’m also thinking about what questions that I might be asked:

 

What I have done, know how to do and can do.
I need to remember all the skills, abilities and talents I possess that will make me an excellent employee.

Why I feel I can do the job?
What makes me qualified for the job?
What I have to offer the company or organization?
Why I want to work for the employer in question?

 

I need to know how the position relates to my talents and goals, such as specialty area and opportunities for advancement.

I also need to be prepared with answers to why you want to work at a particular organization, and what makes me the best candidate for this position. Understanding the company, their mission and their environment will help answer with these questions.

 

But I’m getting ahead of myself – ever so slightly!  I’ve applied for 12 positions in total.  Now, some of them have gone to interview pretty much as I was sending through my CV, but I’m still forward for a number of jobs.  At the moment no one job sounds better than another – I’m just keen to get back out there and working! 

 

At least I’m managing to stay positive, eh?  I’m not sure if I’m positive because I’m still on my “happy pills” or if it’s because I’m just happy to be away from that bully.  Either way, I feel stronger and happier.  That can only be a good attitude when looking for work.

 

Keep your fingers crossed!

 

Foxy

Signing on

I’m in two minds about what happened today.

 

Yes, I’m happy that I’ve got something else done.  Yes, I’m happy that I’ll get a little help – which means that I won’t be going through my savings as quickly as before.  It wasn’t a humiliating process. 

 

Having said that, I found it also to be difficult to admit defeat and ask for help.  Asking for help isn’t the sort of thing I do easily and now I feel deflated. 

 

Luckily I have other things to concentrate on…  For example, life with Helios just goes from strength to strength.  I was reminded of this when I ran into a friend of mine that I’ve not seen in a number of years.  She asked me how married life was treating me and I always smile when I think of him.  Yes.  Life at home is just great.  Sure I have other frustrations but it’s easier to focus on the positive when I’ve got such a happy home life.

 

We’re coming to the end of the English Football (Soccer to you Americans) season and his favourite team is doing well this year.  He and I are going to listen to another game tonight.  I know a lot of women don’t really care for sports but I grew up in a US University town – and I watched a lot of sports.  I grew to love American Football and Basketball.  I never much cared for professional sports but would go out of my way to watch the local university games on the TV. 

 

For years I used to say that I wanted to support an English Football team but Ramman never watched sports so I supported the national team.  When my mom and sister came to visit in 1996 we watched a couple of games in the Euro 96 tournament.  I really enjoyed it.  Now I feel like I’m my old self again, following a team and hoping for a good result…

 

But I digress.  I’ll try not to feel a failure for asking for help and concentrate on the positive.

 

Foxy

What women really really want

I happened to see an advertisement for an article: 10 years after The Spice Girls we discuss what women really really want.

 

Is it career?  Marriage? Friends? Family? Love? Money? Sex?

 

Do men really have such a problem working out what we want?

 

Surely what men want differs from man to man, and from time to time.  Of course there aren’t articles about what men want – and I’m presuming that men want a relationship – unless you take the time to read the odd men’s magazine. 

 

There are a number of websites about catching and keeping a man and keeping him happy and preventing any “wandering eyes” but I would have had to log-in and give my details…  I didn’t fancy that.

 

Titillation seems to be a good method of attracting a man.  Or at least that seems to be the case if you look at any men’s magazine filled with scantily clad well-endowed women.  But is titillation really what a man wants from a relationship? 

 

Finally I found an article that initially I thought was going to be totally wrong – anyone who quotes Freud I tend to give a wide berth – but the article by Micah Stipech, College, Sex and Love: What Men Want was stunning and insightful.  My only comment was that perhaps his diagram shouldn’t be a pyramid but a Venn diagram – since he admits that there is a lot of overlap between the motives of men in each category.  I think that even he would admit that some men are happy to live in the lower sections of his pyramid and not question the need for growing into a meaningful relationship. 

 

And, it might be worth questioning if Stipech’s pyramid corresponds with women’s desires from a relationship.  Perhaps some women are “bad” and behave as if they’re in a Bond film and smoking and drinking and living life as if they’re in Sex in the City.  Or some women need security and a man who behaves like a superman and who is a little possessive because it makes them feel safe and loved.   Finally, some women want a meaningful relationship with someone who they are in love with and a future together.  Do women move through the levels of the pyramid because they are trying to attract a man or do women simply attract the corresponding men within their section of the pyramid without knowing how to attract a “better” man?

 

So my question is this: how do women recognise the men who correspond with their point in the pyramid?  Or perhaps a better question is: how to women recognise the men that they would prefer to be with in the pyramid?

 

I suspect that, once women know the different categories of Man, it will help us all recognise what we want from a relationship.  Of course once we get a man, we have to know what he’s talking about in order to have a meaningful relationship.

 

I had read a lot about how men communicate but beyond how they communicate, I never contemplated what men actually want.  I presumed that they, like me, would try to talk to me about what they needed and wanted from a relationship.  The biggest difference to how men and women communicate is, in my experience: men generally are problem-solvers and they see communicating as a means to an end instead of seeing communication as an end unto itself.  For example, if I moan to a female friend about the state of the world she listens and sympathises.  If I moan to a man about the state of the world he will wonder what I mean for him to do about it.  This simple misunderstanding leaves men thinking that women nag and leaves women thinking that men don’t listen. 

 

I started this article by asking men why they have such problems working out what women want. 

 

Why don’t they just ask?  I suspect that most of us want a meaningful relationship but aren’t always sure how to get that.  My last piece of advice is this: be the woman that a man wants a meaningful relationship with and you will find the right man.

 

Foxy

St George’s Day

To all my English friends – Happy St George’s Day! 

St George is the patron saint of England.

Foxy

I’ve been tagged!

I regularly read Emmy’s Thoughts and she’s tagged me.  She has posted the 6th photo from her 6th folder.  I’m adding one from my recent outing with Helios at Birdworld when he was a Keeper for a Day.  Now that I have finally figured out how to post photos, you’ll see more!

Birdworld - Keeper for a Day

Foxy

Virginity, Relationships and Marriage

My mom sent me the below link:

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30353377//

 

I think that the question it raises is valid: why shouldn’t sex be seen as a natural and healthy part of a loving relationship?  Sure, you can save yourself for marriage, but that doesn’t mean that you will have a loving and long-lasting marriage!  It sounds to me like women are being sold a line – sex will save your marriage.  Think about it.  Logically women are being told that if you save yourself for marriage, then you will have a happy, long-lasting relationship.  If all depends on saving yourself for this life-long commitment and then all will be sweetness and light as soon as you say “I do”.  But, if it’s not then the way to keep a commitment going is to continue having sex because that’s the promise you made, to yourself, to God and to your husband!

 

Trouble is, after “I do” life goes on, it doesn’t end with happily ever after.  The relationship, if you’re extremely lucky, is a loving, honest and happy one from the start and sex only deepens the feelings you have for one another.  If you’re unlucky, you end up in a relationship you don’t feel comfortable in and you resent the obligation of sex. 

 

Sex is a natural bodily process that strengthens a good relationship.  I believe sex can be representative of how well a relationship can work: you have to be honest but tactful in your communication, feeling free to say “yes” or “no” or “That’s good” or “I prefer that”.  You have to have respect for the other person and listen to what’s being said.  Finally, you have to be able to laugh during The Act.  Sex, like life in general, is far too important to be taken seriously.

 

Children are not being told how best to respect their other halves.  Children are not being told what to look out for in a good relationship – i.e. honesty, respectful communication, laughter, friendship – they are only being told to save themselves for their marriage.  This can build up an unrealistic view of what sex can do for a relationship.  In reality, sex can make a good relationship even better.  Conversely, it can make an OK relationship quite dire indeed.

 

Finally, I will say that Ramman rarely used the word “sex”.  He simply called it the “gastly business”.  Sex is NOT icky, disgusting, or demeaning.  I think his attitude was influenced by people who have unnatural and unhealthy attitudes toward sex.

 

Foxy

BEWARE!

The Endometriosis Foundation of America (EFA) claims to have found a cure for Endometriosis.

 

Ms Padma Lakshmi is a co-founder of the EFA.  She claims to have been cured by her co-founder Dr. Tamer Seckin.

 

While Dr. Seckin has “cured” Padma Lakshmi, the EFA website claims to still be searching for a permanent cure.  They are raising money for research for a problem that they claim to have cured.

 

Please remember that there are a lot of people out there who are after your hard-earned money and not all of them are honest! 

 

Foxy

38

 

It was my birthday recently.  I was woken up with a bottle of champagne, a “mixed tape” CD and some nookie for the occasion!  Needless to say I enjoyed being woken up yesterday!  (Sorry to gross you out Mom!)

 

The “mixed tape” CD was full of songs that remind Helios of me and every song put a smile on my face.  I just love how thoughtful he is.  That CD meant more to me than anything he could have just wandered out and bought.  

 

My ex happened to ring at 10 and I met him for a herbal tea in the local coffee shop.  He claimed he had a card for me but promptly forgot it on the way down to town to meet me.  Still, at least he bought the drinks so I can’t complain!  He is doing very well.  He’s on the board of directors of a FTSE 100 company here and regularly travels between the US and UK.  He sounds like he loves the job, and I’m happy for him.  It was nice to see him mainly so I could get some gossip (about his family) and any advice he has for me about getting a new job.  He has a sound business head so I always take his business advice seriously… 

 

Ramman did say something that made me think: I’m very good with immediate stresses but not so good with longer-ongoing stress.  He’s just the opposite.  I think he actually enjoys a slow burn of stress that keeps him from finishing anything whereas I start to go to pieces.  However, he throws his toys out of the pram at the slightest bump in the road and I tend to deal with slight hiccups with a smile.  This information is vital – I think – when considering a new job. 

 

Later on I popped to the Unemployment Office.  I missed my Monday appointment (because I was temping) and had to go to ensure I get paid benefits on time.  My next appointment is two weeks away.  I’m hoping I find a job (at the very least temping!) before then.

 

Finally that evening Helios and I had curry for dinner and a cuddle on the couch.  It’s wonderful to be in love!

 

My perfect birthday is like any other perfect day for me – spending time with people I love (or just respect in the case of the ex! LOL).  You can class this as a great birthday!  I have received cards from close friends, contacted my family and I spent time with Helios.  It is great to feel loved.  Again, if I compare my past to my present, I am delighted with the change in my life over the past few years. 

 

This weekend is a Bank Holiday weekend in England and Helios and I have a date with the neighbours in the garden with some wine.  So that will be another great day.  Let’s hope the weather is good!

 

I can’t help but think of my family around my birthday.  You know, when Mom was my age she had a teenager and a toddler in the house.  I am shocked at how tired I feel (presumably thanks to the Endometriosis?) and I cannot believe that she managed to not smack my head in when I was being a petulant brat.  I don’t have nearly the responsibilities she did and I’m amazed at how well my sister and I turned out. 

 

Foxy

Fish Bowl

Helios complained last night that I hadn’t blogged recently. I must apologise to him and you that I’ve been a little quiet. I’m afraid that I’ve been a bit down being out of work. I really don’t like sitting on my own all day. At the same time, there is a small part of me that has enjoyed the time away from my bully. My nightmares about my ex-office have eased. Oh, that doesn’t mean that I don’t spend half my nights reliving conversations and wishing I had said this or that.

So, I’ve managed to get a little temping work. I’ve been working at the local Community Mental Health Service at the hospital as a receptionist. I sit behind two locked doors and there are some people I’m not allowed to let into the building because they’re usually aggressive. Despite this, I really enjoy working there. All the employees are lovely. I get to smile and be cheeky and laugh. Oh sure, there is a little stress involved, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s so much easier to work somewhere where the people are nice. The great thing about working there is that I have also started gaining confidence again.

I’ve also managed an interview with an IT company earlier today. The company looks interesting and the role sounds OK but it’s about half an hour’s drive away. I suppose the past few years have been a little too comfortable for me in that I have only been 5 minutes from home… The role is to support a team and reporting to a bloke who seems very nice. I prefer working for men – I find the women I’ve worked for to be mostly bullies and difficult to please.

I’ve got my fingers crossed that I get offered a second interview – I figure if I at least get a job, it will be easier for me to find something else if I don’t like it…

I’m trying to remain strong.

Foxy

Laughter is the best medicine…

Helios and I went out to a silent film festival at the weekend.  I just love Charlie Chaplin and I saw a short film of his that I’d not seen before.  I’d never seen Buster Keaton before and I got to see “Seven Chances” which was very funny indeed! 

 

I needed the laugh.  I had two interviews last week but no offers so far.  I’m starting to lose hope for those simply because if they really wanted me, I’m sure I would have heard from them by now.  The first one isn’t a great loss – it was 30 minutes drive away.  The second I quite fancied.  It was a small branch of a larger company so I’d have got the financial benefits of working for a large company with the benefits of working for a small organisation – including flexible hours and independent working. 

 

I think the worst thing about these interviews is that I keep going over what I said and I keep amending it – wishing I’d said this or that.  I keep thinking “Why didn’t I act like this instead of that?”  It’s very hard to know what an employer is really after and tailor your answers accordingly.  But I have to remain philosophical – it wasn’t meant to be.

 

I heard from my agencies.  I didn’t get either job.  The search continues.  I have another interview organised for the week after next so I’m hoping that will be a little more successful. 

 

In the meantime I’m struggling to stay positive.  Some days are easier than others.  I can’t help but wonder if I need a little more prozac?  I’m so tired of feeling unhappy.

 

So, I needed the laugh.

 

Helios and I are going to see his folks this weekend.  I’m looking forward to it for a number of reasons – mainly because I can do with the change of scenery.  His folks are just great.  They always say how happy they are that Helios has found someone he’s so happy with.  They always make me feel welcome. 

 

Foxy

Delusions of Grandeur

I have a follicle on my back with delusions of grandeur.  It thinks it’s on my head.  I find it when it’s produced a hair about 2 to 3 inches long and WHITE!  WHITE!! 

Of course, I don’t know what disappoints me more – the fact that I’m producing this thing at all or the fact that it’s white 

I was telling J at Autoimmune Life (see my links) about this and I had her in stitches.  I told her that I was afraid of pulling it out because I might unravel like a skein of yarn!  I suppose I’ve just got an overactive imagination.  OK.  I know I won’t unravel.  But I don’t fancy giving it a yank either!  So when I was telling J about my white hair she mentioned that she gets the odd hair as well but it’s black.  Black.  It hardly seems fair that we ladies get these things… 

I thought that it might be my PCOS that makes me produce hair in strange and unexpected places – it’s all hormones anyway! 

All this chat about grey hair reminded me of when I first noticed I was going grey.  I stupidly thought that perhaps it was an extra light blond.  I was corrected when I was visiting my mother.  I was sitting on the floor (I’m built quite close to the ground so I never had a problem with sitting on the floor!) and Mom was in the rocking chair when she stopped – as if hit by lightening!  She started looking through my hair and then laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall off the chair!  She shouted “You’ve got grey hair!!”  How bonkers is that.  Like gee, thanks Mom.

I think most women remember when they first realise they’re going grey.  I suppose I was lucky that I started going grey at such an early age.  It gave me more than enough time to get used to the idea…  These days I think: oh dear.  There’s more.  And more.  And I’ve got grey in my eyebrows too. 

Mom told me that I resemble my father in that respect – I have his hair colouring and he went “prematurely grey” years ago.  These days I ask Helios to colour my hair for me.  He’s very good.  If he didn’t colour my hair I’d have to try and do it myself (which can get messy) or I’d have to pay someone else to do it. 

In preparation of my weekend with the in-laws I’ve been baking cookies today.  I like to spoil them.  I try and treat them as I would my own family.  Helios’ father has a sweet tooth as large as his son’s.  The family joke is that he would eat poop if it had chocolate sprinkles on…  I hope my cooking is better than that!! 

I’m feeling brighter today – and part of that is due to my discussions with J.  Thanks very much!

Foxy

Award

J at Autoimmune Life has given me an award on her blog site.  I’m really touched.  Thanks ever so much!

I’m so grateful that you thought of me when you received this award.  It means so much that we can give one another the recognition that we deserve.

Since I can’t give it back to you I’ll forward this award to:

Emmy’s Thoughts – http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/ She’s been brave enough to share her experiences with infertility – and it’s nice to read a success story!

Stephanie Butler’s website - http://stephaniejbutler.com/  Like me, she is strugling with chronic illness and she has a wonderful positive attitude.  I find her writing inspiring!

Once you’ve received your award, the rules for passing it on are:

-Add logo to your blog
-Link the person/blog from whom you received this award from
-Leave them a message on their blog, letting them know they have One Lovely Blog!

Lots of love, Foxy

Still here – just!

I have had a couple of interviews but no luck so far.  I’m still feeling down about my luck but am keeping my stiff upper lip!  It’s hard to carry on searching the websites when you are starting to wonder about your luck!  However, I’m doing my best – I have no other choice.  I have to carry on.

 Helios and I went to visit some old friends of his Friday night.  I got to hear some fantastic stories – including the time when the Three Muskateers (Helios and two others he is still in touch with) bought a bottle of champagne for Helios’ birthday.  They gave it a shake on the way to the park and jumped up and down with it until they popped the cork and it shot into the air!  “WA-Hey!”  They sprayed each other and when they finally went to drink it – it was gone!  They had sprayed it all over just a bit too much!

 The funny thing about visiting these people was how clearly excited they were – Helios was slapped on the back more than once and everyone was introduced to one another.  I must admit that even I was a little nervous about meeting them – perhaps I am too interested in what people think of me?  I know I am keen that Helios’ friends and family like me.  Luckily they do!

 Saturday we spent with Helios’ parents.  I think I’ve said how much I just adore his parents before…  It’s so nice to feel welcome into a family!  That evening he and I went to see the new Star Trek film together.  I’m just enough of a nerd to say that I absolutely loved it – great story, good cast.  My only complaint is that the photography is just a little too white and shiny for my taste but it wasn’t too much of a distraction. I talked to Mom as well on Sunday.  She’s doing ok but her brother has cancer and the prognosis – after a spell of remission – isn’t good.  I grew up knowing that we could count on him to help with things that Mom just couldn’t do – from snow shovelling to cleaning out mouse traps to fixing the garage door opener.  He usually did these things with a grin and refusing payment of any sort.  It was from their relationship that I knew what sibling love should be like – and how I want to treat my own baby sister… Mom is really upset about his health and I wish there was something I could do – but I know I would feel just as helpless over there as I do 4000 miles away… 

I have another interview tomorrow.  I’m trying not to get too excited about it because I don’t want to get my hopes dashed again but the subject is very interesting to me.  I’m trying not to say too much because I don’t want to jinx it!  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

I have received an honour from J at Autoimmune and I’ll pass on the Award soon. 

 

Keep the home fires burning.

 

Foxy

Another interview

I’ve come back from my recent interview.  I’m excited about the job and the company.  Oh PLEASE let me get the job! I won’t give you any more details until I know more.

 The interview was a little tense – I sat down across a table from 3 men who asked me some pretty intense questions.  I answered them to the best of my ability.  They’re only seeing 4 people and they’re planning to make the decision before the end of the week.  I’ve got everything crossed!  I can’t help but wonder if I made a good impression.  Should I have said this?  Why didn’t I remember to mention that?  Did I go over this or that too much?  What I was trying to say was that I was sure I could do the job, I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to easily fit into the team.  I know there’s nothing I can do about it now but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to rake myself over the coals for it!

 Foxy

Interviews and other news

I’ve had a number of interviews recently – even one second interview – but no success! 

 I really fancied the most recent one too.  It was for a shipping company in just the best part of town.  I wouldn’t have been able to walk but travel wasn’t a big issue.  The people seemed very nice and they were confident that I could do the job.  The position was for an Office Manager and I felt I could do it with no problems.  They went with the other person because she had experience in the shipping industry.  (!) 

 I am, once again, sitting on the couch watching films that I’ve seen a hundred times…  To say that I’m down is an understatement.  But, I’m a fighter.  I finally went back to the doctor a couple of days ago for a refill of my Prozac prescription and he’s given me something else to help me sleep that works well with Prozac.  Thank God!  I have been having so much trouble falling asleep.  It has worked reasonably well but last night was difficult again.  I kept thinking about that witch where I used to work.  I also wondered what else I have to do to get a job…

 Yes, I have been moping around the flat.  But no more!

 On a brighter note, now that I went to the doctor I now seem to have more energy.  I’ve actually cleaned the flat for the first time in ages.  I have made lentil lasagne and chilli con veggie – so I’ve been enjoying my time in the kitchen.  I’m still managing to eat – which is a good sign.  I’ve even spent an hour ironing today!  I told the doctor that perhaps my sleeplessness may be due to my PCOS but it’s hard to tell since I’m so anxious all the time. 

 All the plans I had for possibly writing as well as working have gone by the wayside.  I just haven’t had the energy over the past few weeks.  I make myself feel guilty because I’m not doing enough.  As always Helios is very supportive.  He says that something good will come along soon.  Of course, now that I’m finally sleeping, I have a bit more energy and a bit more – well I’m not sure what the word is but I have a bit more – is it confidence?

 I am extremely lucky though.  I keep counting my blessings: I have a great flat in a wonderful country.  I live with the love of my life.  I still have enough money in my savings account and am making a little money here and there by temping.  At least I’m getting interviews!  I’m not entirely unemployable. 

 In other news, I’ve had another period.  The first couple of days were hard but I managed to cope with just some paracetamol (acetaminophen for you Americans) which is still quite unusual for me.  I can’t say that I’m enjoying the experience but it’s not agony and for that I’m grateful!  OK I know that the symptoms will get bad again soon enough but for the moment I’m waiting for my body to get accustomed to the new cycle. 

 Speaking of Endometriosis and a job hunt: I can’t help but wonder if I’m better off just temping – I feel a lot more relaxed and not as tired but I can’t help second guessing if I’m good enough and if I should mention my endometriosis at interview.  So far I’ve not been mentioning it at all – especially since I’m only due six periods a year instead of 12 – but the whole issue has affected my self-confidence.  I can’t help it.

 I suppose its little surprise that my confidence has taken a bit of a knock.  I do hope that the job I go to will help that!

 Foxy

Retail Therapy

I’ll tell you about the weekend last so that my mother doesn’t have to read my XXX portion of this blog entry! 

We have noticed a new bird in the garden over the past few weeks.  It’s a chaffinch and it sounds like this:  “ha ha ha ha ha ha TWEET!”  I told Helios that it sounded like we were squeezing the poor thing at the end of its call and now when we hear it we pretend like we’re giving it a little squeeze!

In other news, the good thing about my pills is that I’m finally sleeping well.  While I’m still dreaming like mad, I finally feel a bit more refreshed in the mornings.  My dreams still consist of images and feelings of not quite measuring up.  I don’t know where this comes from but I know it’s a difficulty that I’ve always had, as well as my mental hindrance to getting a job at the moment.  I’ve always felt like I wasn’t quite good enough…  As I say, I’m not sure where it stems from but I’m ready for it to end.  More on that in future blog entries…

I saw a couple of friends at the weekend.  We went down to Portsmouth to the outlet mall.  I meant to only window shop but I bought a cheap coin purse, some lotion and some fudge for my husband.  I managed to avoid buying a new pair of shoes (which is quite an achievement for me!) and I had a lovely day out. 

I was telling them about my recent job failures and how I’m still terribly disappointed about just missing out on the most recent job I interviewed for.  But I have to remain focused on the positive – I’m forward for a couple of jobs this week and will keep you posted as well.

As always, I like to keep my friends laughing.  Mom, I’m about to talk about my sex life so, for your sanity, please skip the rest of this blog entry…

Now, back to what I was discussing with my friends.  My 20^th high school reunion is happening this summer.  Although I won’t make it, I have been getting in touch with some of the “old gang”.  What I was horrified to discover was that some of my old friends remembered me back when I was the little freak.  Mom was very good at reminding me that I used to be a horse freak – I used to run around on all fours through the house because I thought I sounded like a horse.  I neighed like a horse.  I even once told my mom that I wanted to marry a horse (I was too young to say “a man who’s hung like a horse”)!  

What I didn’t remember was that I neighed like a horse around everyone – not just my family.  Why oh why can’t I have just been strange around my family – they understood that I was odd.  Why couldn’t I have just stayed indoors??  When someone mentioned my horse imitation to Helios, he wanted to hear it.  These days I like to think I have some decorum.  So when Helios insisted, I still said no.  How embarrassing is that?  Honestly!  Neighing in front of Helios!

Of course, Helios threatened to withhold sex until he’d heard it.  Well, I can’t resist him so I neighed at him.  He wasn’t impressed at the neighing but we had sex anyway!  It’s always fantastic. 

 Foxy