Endometriosis Awareness

I had a back and shoulder massage after work recently.  I was lovely!  The girl that did it for me didn’t stop chatting.  The longer we chatted, the more I found myself telling her about women’s health.  In the end, I told her all about my endometriosis while trying not to frighten her.  The good news is that she’s only 20 and she’s never heard of endometriosis so I got to give her the great news that it’s out there!  OK.  It’s not great news but I felt great to be able to talk to someone new about endometriosis.

 

The sad news is she told me she has difficult periods.  I do hope she doesn’t have endometriosis!

Who have you informed lately?

Foxy

Goodbye 2011

Goodbye 2011

Like the Dextrous Diva and Layla I’ve had a year of ups and downs.

The Ups

In April I turned 40 and had a great birthday.  Helios and I went to visit some old friends who live inFrance.  For a closet Francophile, it was a wonderful time!  I love being able to speak French, think in French.  I’ve always loved the sound of French – the way it rolls off the tongue, hangs in the air as if perfumed and then comes back at you – lavender, sandlewood and vanilla.

Of course I’m grateful for any opportunity to see our friends.  I attended their wedding more than 15 years ago.  We happened to be at their house us when Helios proposed.  They attended nuptials at a castle in 2008 – the men wore kilts and spent the day quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  It was madly appropriate considering they are American and French.  It’s great to see friends who never let you feel like any time has gone by since you’ve seen them!

In August Apollo came to visit us for the first time since Helios and I got married.  I’m delighted to have had the opportunity to get to know him better.  He’s a lovely kid – but I’m not allowed to call him that.  At 20 I think he’d be mortified to know that every time I see him I want to pinch his little cheek!  If it didn’t cost so much I might suggest Helios and I get a slightly larger place so that his kids could come to visit.  Perhaps that’s something we can consider in the future.  For now, it’s just wonderful to be friends with my stepson.

The Downs

Due to my endometriosis pain, I’ve organised to have my fourth laparoscopy but won’t have it until 2012.  The prolonging of agony is never a happy prospect but it’s to be expected.

In December, I was hit by a car.  While my nightmares have almost totally cleared and my bruising has all but disappeared, I am mostly grateful for the fact that my injuries weren’t severe.  I am still perfectly capable of getting to and from the office and carry on with life in general.  It could have been so much worse!

In August, my father died in the US; I was unable to go to the funeral.  I’ve had more sleepless nights from this than from the car accident.  The only bright side was that, even though Dad was a ward of the state, he did leave me a little money – enough to visit my family in the US again in 2012.

So while I’m delighted to see the back of 2011 (and don’t come back!) I’ve good reason to hope that 2012 will be an even better year.

Peace and pain-free days to you.

Foxy

Raindrops keep falling on my head

When I was very young and my parents were still married, I had an imaginary friend called “Cher” and I was good at singing and dancing to the B J Thomas song.  My voice does not lend itself to a more feminine tune – my ex husband used to say that my singing would make the foundations of the house crumble!  He always was a charmer.  (!)

In the midst of my recent period and very painful time, I kept thinking about returning to the sunlight of pain-free days.  I feel plagued by occasional but torrential bouts of pain.  Although I am still in pain today, I am coping by taking my painkillers and dreaming of the days when I may have just enough pain to be in discomfort and unable to complain.

Just as with the rain, I’m never going to stop the pain by complaining.  It would be nice to talk with the sun and tell him he’d been sleeping on the job but all I can do is not let the pain defeat me.

Foxy

Remotely Human on Boxing Day

Today I found myself standing in the bathroom – my head was resting on the wall, my stomach was pressed against the radiator and I’d already had my mefenamic acid for the morning.  I felt groggy from the pain meds and in agony – not a nice combination!  I grabbed a paracetamol/codeine tablet and staggered back to bed.  Strangely I have very little trouble drifting off in the middle of the day when I’ve had my pain meds!

Now I’m up again.  I’ve had some lunch (leftovers of course) and another mefenamic acid tablet.  I stagger the anti-inflammatories with the painkillers so that as one falls away, the other takes over with pain relief.  I’m tired and may go back to bed again.  It’s hard to know what to do next.  I’m tired – tired of the crazy lengths I go to to manage and avoid pain, tired of the pain, tired of feeling only remotely human, tired of having my head roll around on my neck as if my neck were made of a length of rope, tired of not being able to enjoy anything without organising my body around it, tired of waiting for surgery.

Foxy

Happy Christmas!

This entry will be a bit on the graphic side – for which I apologise in advance.  The first day of my last period was 27^th August.  I have managed to keep the menses at bay by taking my birth control religiously.  Well, I say I have kept the menses at bay but I have had a bit of spotting and bleeding for the past couple of weeks – the longer I’ve waited to have my period the more bleeding I’ve had.  Each day I’ve had a bit of bleeding I also had a lot of pain.  Between my bruising and my body trying to have a period, I have struggled with pain!

I finally relented and stopped taking my birth control on 23^rd and I am sorry to say that the pain has been unbearable.  I am taking the mefenamic acid and paracetamol for the pain.  I’m taking Tranexamic Acid in order to keep from “flooding” as instructed by my surgeon.  She seemed concerned that I would exhibit that symptom.  I don’t expect she’ll like my bleeding between periods either…  I don’t have a date in the diary for my upcoming surgery just yet but am hoping that it will be sooner rather than later.

In the meantime Helios and I are spending our usual Christmas together.  We don’t visit his family because his parents now live in a flat and don’t have the room to keep us.  So on top of a 4 hour drive, Helios and I would have to stay in a hotel – an expense that we can hardly justify.  We usually organise to see them in the New Year.  If we’re lucky, we’ll get to see Apollo too!

I am delighted to say we’ve had a quiet and relaxing Christmas.  I have had some extra time in bed due to pain but Helios has been very good about giving me everything I need.  I had plenty of help in the kitchen and he’s made a couple of hot water bottles to help with the pain.  I hope Helios understands that even though I haven’t been wearing my Christmas smile today, I am delighted that he and I are spending this time together.

Wishing you peace and pain-free days,

Foxy

A terrible thing happened on the way home

I had an eventful journey home on 12^th December.  I arrived home later than usual – I was completely drenched.  I couldn’t have been more wet had I been swimming fully clothed.  Helios looked at me and said “Oh dear!  If I had known it was raining I would have collected you at the station!”  I couldn’t help it.  I burst into tears.  He held me and tried to get me to make some sense and, slowly, I told him what had happened but first I showed him my fingers moving and assured him that my toes were perfectly fine too.  Can you imagine me moving my fingers and thumbs in front of his face?  I’d been hit by a car on my walk home.

I got off the train as normal.  It normally gets me to my village at18:00 or just after.  I walked to a T junction.  It was dark and raining.  I looked both ways.  The car to my right was stopped and indicating to turn right.  There was nothing coming from my left so I scooted across to ensure that I didn’t hold anyone up.  The next thing I know, I was on the bonnet of the car that has been waiting to turn right.  The car was exactly in the middle of the two lanes of the road.  I must have slid onto the road but don’t remember how.  I remember shouting “Why did you do that??”  I was being picked up by a passer-by who, it turned out, lived on that very corner.  The driver waited for me to move and then started to drive to the side.  I shouted “Don’t you dare drive off!!”  But he wasn’t going away, he was just moving out of the way of the traffic that was already building behind him (little wonder because he was right in the middle of the road)!

The woman beside me was shaking and I thanked her for coming to my rescue.  I checked my digits and found that nothing was broken.  I could move my neck.  I was crying but that really was no surprise.  I appeared to be unhurt – just badly shaken.  The man gave me his name and a contact number.  I made sure to write down the number of his licence plate.  I assured him that I had nothing broken.  Initially I just wanted to go home and nearly took him up on his offer to drive me home but I thought better of it – I didn’t know him after all – and took the woman up on her offer to take me in.  Also, he was starting to annoy me – he said that I’d run into his car and not that his car had run into me.  I reminded him that it was a dark, wet night and it could have happened to anyone.  The thing to remember was that appeared to be unhurt.  He eventually went on his way.  I went inside a sweet kitchen.  She apologised that it needed a floor but it seemed a nice place.  I joked that I didn’t think she was a serial killer and she said something about soft furnishings.  I tried to ring my dear husband but couldn’t get through.  Unbeknownst to me, Helios had left his mobile in his coat on the porch and didn’t hear it.  It was precisely because I couldn’t get through to him that I suddenly began to wonder and fret.  I knew I was ok but wanted to be sure he was too.  I decided to brave the elements and walked home.  I got to the hill when I decided to leave a message on Helios’s mobile.  I knew (as long as he was ok) he’d worry and I still appeared to be without major injury.

Later that night I was sore and bruised.  Helios encouraged me to take a long hot bath but I still needed painkillers to get to sleep.  I dreamt that night of being at war.  Throughout the night I struggled with my bruising on my right-hand side.  Rolling over or moving at all would cause me to wake up again.

I got up at the usual time and went to work in the usual way.  I catch the7:38 amfrom the village to town.  I was so uncomfortable that I asked to go to the doctors.  I got a taxi to my local surgery and saw my GP at9:30the next morning.  I cried when I told her what had happened.  She kindly gave me Naprosyn (one tablet twice daily) and told me that I needed to go home because I was clearly still in shock.  I walked over to the local grocery store and picked up a few bits and then got a taxi home.

Consequently I’ve lost and more recently regained my Christmas feeling.  I still have bruising on my right elbow but I’m feeling much better and am delighted that no more serious damage was done.

Take care and have a happy Christmas!

Foxy

Endometriosis vs Holly Hill

After reading Endometriosis vs Holly Hill on Facebook, I was so moved that I felt I had to write this:

I live in the UK and so have not had the pleasure of listening to Holly Hill’s comments. I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2005. I understand that Holly believes that women with endometriosis do not deserve a happy sex life with a faithful partner because of the pain we endure. I can only think that someone would make such inflammatory remarks because 1) they’re too ignorant to know how upsetting their prejudice can be or 2) they’re using the anger of women with endometriosis as negative marketing for an upcoming book. So, if my hypothesis is correct, she’s either ignorant or manipulative – neither are attractive traits. 

As I say, I’m writing from the UK so I don’t know if she is well-known for having a happy, faithful, satisfying relationship with a wonderful man. However, from what little I do know, I would expect not. One thing is for sure, I could tell her a thing or two about having a happy, faithful, satisfying relationship with a wonderful man who never makes me feel like a liability, who helps out every time I ask, who never pressures me when I’m in pain and who gives me incredible (it’s worth saying again – incredible) intimacy – but I don’t think she’d appreciate it.

Perhaps she’s jealous.

Smugly yours
Foxy in the Waiting Room

As always, I finish something and then, upon further pondering, I reconsider my words.  I wanted to add that someone who takes pot shots at others who are weak or suffering are called bullies – also an unattractive quality.

Assuming that her love life is as dismal as I suspect it is, perhaps she needs to cultivate her own garden to become someone who deserves the fantastic things that I have and appreciate.

I’m still smug.

Foxy

The Box by Philip Pullman

Thanks to my illnesses, I do regularly have very vivid dreams.  I’ve had another very odd one last night.  It was as if I was watching a film which started with the title “The Box by Philip Pullman” as if printed on a creamy paper surrounded by scrolls on the edges and a Japanese figure under the western writing.

Next I saw fully-clothed boys in a bathhouse saying “Come around to mine for a party tonight.”  It was a place that I presumed was in Japan.  The bath house was clean looking but not just white – the walls were a pastel blue-green with beautiful minimalist red flowers grew from lower right to the upper left.

The boys all went back to a flat and I next saw them trying to avoid other boys in the same flat who were trying to get lucky.  They crowded in the kitchen and tried to make enough noise to drown out the joy happening in other rooms.  “Do you want some potato salad with that sandwich?” and “I have cold sweetcorn.”  I couldn’t smell it but reached out to touch the cold sweetcorn kernels to confirm – yes they were stone cold and slightly wet.

The next thing I knew, the opening credits were rolling again.  I remembered something that I’m not sure actually happened when I first saw the film: I thought “Well, that was a long teaser – I hope we get to see all of it this time” and the bathhouse appeared again.

I woke up.

I have looked and, according to Wikipedia, Philip Pullman hasn’t written a book entitled “The Box”

Foxy

Endometriosis, PCOS, Insulin Resistance and any other maladies I can think of…

Let me introduce myself.  I am 37.  I live in England but am originally American.  This means that it doesn’t matter how I spell things – it will always be wrong!  I have a number of issues – listed above – and I have finally lost my patience with my body. 

 

Instead of going on an alcohol and ammunition fuelled rampage, I’ve decided to go on line and have a moan instead. 

 

Endometriosis

The websites I have seen say that the first symptoms of Endometriosis are when women appear to have a hard time conceiving but I think that I first had Endometriosis issues when I first started my periods – at the tender age of 12.  Back then I would vomit from the pain.  I suppose at least back then there was a physical effect that everyone could see even though no one appeared to know that my problem was Endometriosis.  Since then I’ve had to learn how to express what pain I have and how strong it is – what drugs work and what else I have to do when the drugs don’t help (hot water bottles, stretching and rolling around in bed in agony).

 

Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

I first learned that I have PCOS back in 2005 but still don’t quite understand how or why it all works.  If I’m not mistaken, my ovaries are covered in cysts and this affects my oestrogen levels.  This means that I’m plagued by another silent malady.  I’d have more sympathy if I were bleeding from the eyes but, of course, since there are no overt symptoms everyone thinks that I’m completely normal and they have no idea why I’m pulling my hair out.

 

Insulin Resistance

Yet another silent malady that wasn’t diagnosed until 2005.  I like to call this pre-diabetes since everything that I have to do to control my insulin levels are similar to the things that someone that someone with diabetes has to do – I take Metformin and I’m on a low carbohydrate, low glycaemic load diet. 

 

All Together Now

It’s not easy.  Luckily I’ve got a fantastic husband who is patient and looks after me (even when I don’t want him to).  It’s hard to feel attractive and happy when I’m in pain.  I don’t feel sexy when I’ve grown hair in places a girl shouldn’t have hair.  Again, it’s nice to be in a relationship where I don’t have to worry about trying to be perfect.  I am just myself and we’re comfortable together.

 

I’ve therefore chosen a pen-name that reflects how I feel about myself – sometimes.

 

Foxy

PCOS and Insulin Resistance

 

I also suffer from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and Insulin Resistance

Symptoms of PCOS include but are not limited to: acne, infrequent and/or irregular periods, difficulty/inability to lose weight, body hair in places a lady doesn’t want body hair, vaginal pain, regular Thrush (yeast) Infections, lack of sleep and/or vivid dreams that you very clearly remember. 

 

I ask you, would you put all that together and say “There’s something wrong with my ovaries!”, I certainly didn’t.  A simple scan showed the benign cysts on my ovaries back in 2005.  Of course, whenever anyone says “cyst” to me I immediately thought “Cancer” but PCOS is not remotely related to cancer. 

 

PCOS is, however, somehow related to Insulin Resistance - I have been told there is a correlation between them.  For all intents and purposes, I consider Insulin Resistance to be pre-diabetes.  I take Metformin and control my symptoms with a similar diet to someone with diabetes so I feel lucky that I’ve been caught before things get worse.  The doctors haven’t worked out yet how or why there should be a correlation between PCOS and Insulin Resistance but I’m only in a position to accept what I’ve been given and move on. 

 

As well as endometriosis, these two disorders have had a tremendous effect on my day to day life.  My new diet springs to mind.  At the time I was diagnosed, I had a vegetarian husband and I was too busy to make two meals of an evening.  So I became a pretty decent veggie cook.  I had started to put on a little weight but nothing too drastic.  I think I’d gone up a dress size or two but put that down to my age and possible slowing metabolic rate.  I took regular exercise. 

 

But then I had my first surgery in 2005.  I found myself in the bed after the surgery and the doctor said to me shaking his finger, “You need to eat some meat!”  The next thing I knew I was with a dietician and I am now eating meat at every meal.  I’m watching the carbohydrate intake and I’m feeling good – well, I’m feeling OK.  I’m only now beginning to think that I’ll never feel as good as I did in my 20s ever again. 

 

I think my problem with PCOS overall is because the symptoms are so varied I never feel terribly on top of them all.  I’m obviously not happy.  I find the worst symptoms to live with are: lack of sleep, wild and vivid dreams, the vaginal burning and the regular occurrence of Thrush.

 

I tend to sleep best only once every three nights.  On that third night my dreams are so long and vivid I feel as though I’ve not slept at all.  Now, I’ve always had odd dreams and remember some of them (possibly more than most people?), even when I was a kid!

These days I entertain friends with tales of yellow and green fish who are 10 feet tall and wind surfing, I’m in the water too but I’m walking to a nearby city that I can see with my new husband (Where am I, Venice?).  I’ve dreamt of being in the wild west travelling in a Cadillac to a ranch with all my work colleagues where we take a wrong turning.  We go into a roped-off area and we’re all watching a 100 foot tall bull called Titanic!  

 

I’ve also dreamt of being on a road trip with a bus load of people and I’m watching my sister back in the 1970s (She was born in 1983 – so it’s well before her time.) and we stop off at this country kitchen restaurant where everyone is expected to eat mashed potatoes, fried chicken and green beans together at long tables - it has thick dark wood furniture (for those of us wanting food) the windows were decorated in greens and pink cabbage roses.  I’m at the till surrounded by big bags of boiled sweets and penny gum balls and strange cross-stitched pillows but I’m not allowed any of the sweets because I’m Insulin Resistant, so I’m looking at the pillows and my sister is only 3 so she’s trying to wander off again and I’m following her. 

 

I’ve also dreamt of being perched on John Travolta’s shoulders in order to fix the top right hand corner of a movie screen.  Do all these dreams mean that I’m crazy?  Or is this just the sort of thing that normal people forget and it’s not important for me to remember?  It has to be said that with all this movement at night, it’s no wonder I feel tired during the day – my brain hasn’t rested!  It regularly goes to REM sleep and no deeper.  Or maybe my brain does go deeper but not for long enough.  Either way the result is that I’m regularly exhausted.

 

Drifting off to sleep isn’t the easiest thing either.  I’ve regularly been awake until 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. and up at 7:00 a.m.  I’m barely functioning at the office by the end of the week.  I have been known to take afternoon naps at the weekend.  I’m joking with my friends that I’m looking forward to my next surgery so that I can get some sleep!

Diet

Diet is such an awful word, isn’t it?  It sounds like I weigh 50 tonnes and am unable to leave the house.  The fact that I’m a UK size 10 (US dress size 6) gives you quite the opposite impression. 

 

You may recall that, as well as Endometriosis, I also suffer from PCOS and Insulin Resistance.  For Insulin Resistance I take Metformin and I am on a special diet.  I keep a note of everything I eat along with the severity of my symptoms.  It’s hard going sometimes but I try and keep my chin up.

 

Breakfast is now a very dull affair – I have eggs everyday.  Living in England, I should try and get used to fish at breakfast but I cannot seem to stomach it.  For lunch I cannot have sandwiches (too much carbohydrate) so a quick lunch at my desk is not an option.  I have to eat something with meat, veg and a little carbohydrate.  I usually choose a salad.  Dinners are much easier because I can take the time to cook something.  No more Fish and chips! Stir fries are easy.  Soup is always a decent option and, luckily, I am allowed vegetarian protein so I occasionally make Chilli con Veggie. 

 

The essential thing is to have protein at every meal.  I hate eating meat.  Do you know how awful it is to try and force yourself to eat something that you really don’t fancy?  When I was first diagnosed with my maladies, I was a vegetarian.  I still sometimes look at my food and think “Oh joy, more Death on a plate!”  I hate bones.  I hate the texture of burgers and sausages – all that gristle is just disgusting!  I’ve found the best way to cope with it is to laugh – I mean, the rest of my life has been a complete 180 in the past 3 years or so, so I should have expected this.

 

Luckily I am allowed peanut butter.  I love peanut butter but I have to be careful which brand I buy – there are so many ones with sugar added!  I recently bought one without checking the label and I was disgusted to not only taste the sugar but also find the texture of the sugar in my teeth.  I thought I was eating gravel!  It was awful.  I’ve come to the realisation that not enough people read the labels on things.  I’m sure that if more people were concerned about exactly what they eat, there wouldn’t be so much salt and sugar in foods. 

 

I find myself growing militant about what I eat as I fill in a Food Diary to help me manage my symptoms.  I’ve found I have to be very strict – the slightest deviance at the wrong time of day can affect me for days.  This doesn’t mean I can’t have any fun though.  I have been known to have a small square of no sugar dark chocolate at lunchtime as a dessert.  I must be sensible.  My health depends on it.

 

It’s not only what I eat I have to be careful with.  Drinks are tricky too.  I must avoid juice drinks as much for the natural as for the added sugars.  Caffeine is another no no because it initiates an Insulin response.  AND even when I choose a decaff Café Latte the amount of sugar in the milk (yes there is natural sugar in milk!) gives me symptoms.  This means that I really shouldn’t have coffee at all.  I have therefore learned a new appreciation for herbal teas – I love Jasmine tea and would highly recommend it!

 

My diet is really strange because I rarely feel hungry.  I eat because I know if I don’t, I’ll feel like passing out.  I know, complaining I’m not hungry sounds quite dumb.  I would be happier if I occasionally had an appetite.  But eating for the sake of not passing out rather than fancying something means that I don’t enjoy food like I used to.  That makes me sad.  I was once a great cook but now that I’m not taking the joy in my food, I take less joy in cooking.  But, I’m going to be doing this for the rest of my life, so I need to get used to it. 

 

I know it’s just a process and I’ll probably start to enjoy cooking again once my palette settles.  I’ll keep you posted.  Hey, I might even suggest a recipe or two!

 

Foxy

Sleep and Dreams

 

One of the stranger symptoms of PCOS is vivid dreams.  Strangely I consider this a positive even though it also means that I suffer exhaustion often.  I’ve had strange dreams for as long as I can remember so perhaps my PCOS symptoms affected me even when I was young? 

 

I like remembering my dreams because I feel that dreams are a metaphor for life.  OK, they’re extremely strange, but I think that metaphors shouldn’t always immediately make sense.  For instance, once many moons ago, when I was still married to the first of my husbands, Ramman, I dreamt I was trapped in an airport where people were periodically rounded up and shot.  Me being me, I tried to escape through a tour bus through a door labelled “Chaos”.  It took me through the Land of Chaos which resembled medieval peasant life – poor, hungry and muddy.  I stayed on the tour train and arrived back at the airport.  I then organised a rebellion.  I was upset to leave one nice lady behind in the bank.  She was physically attached to her till.  She had no legs but instead had a 50s style chrome bar stool where her lower body should have been and was hard wired into the systems.  She was sad that I was leaving but wished me luck.  I then gathered as many people together as I could and we all stormed the entrance.

 

I still have strange nightmares about when I was married to Ramman.  Once, I was trying to park his Mercedes SLK while he was overlooking and - after many attempts - I gave up, got out of the car, and walked away. 

 

There was another one where I was trapped in a Manchester United lorry/bus type thing at an away Manchester United game with Ramman when I heard Helios’ whistle (He always whistles the same “Sooty” whistle to birds.  I like to think that he’s trying to communicate.)  I can’t see him because it’s dark so I run from window to window in the excitement when I think “Hey! Let’s just call out to him.” So I wind down the window and shout out “Helios!”  Next thing I know Nani runs to my window and not Helios.  Nani says to me that Helios was going to be late and please don’t shout out like that because he thought that I had been hurt.  Nani walked away from me rolling his eyes.  When Helios did arrive he’d somehow changed: he had Ramman’s personality.  He told me not to upset the players “For God’s Sake!”.  I am still trying to live up to a level of perfection that I know I’ll never manage to achieve.  In life, we’re not always told which way is right and I sometimes do things wrongly (I am human, you know.) only to rake myself over hot coals afterwards for doing things wrongly.  It’s a character flaw of mine and it’s something that I don’t like about myself. It is something that I was having counselling for during my divorce from Ramman so maybe a dream like this is just another way of reminding myself not to worry so much about being perfect in the eyes of others.

 

These days I still dream but the subject is more a process – a journey.  I’m usually in a car or walking.  Last night I was walking through a tunnel trying to get home.  I was not wearing a brightly coloured jacket and so I was afraid that the cars would hit me.  I stopped off at a shop and bought something.  In these dreams I’m usually just going to or from something.  I think that this means that I’m just accustomed to life going to and from work.  Life is a journey, isn’t it?  

 

Of course I also have very odd dreams that never seem to make sense at all.  For instance, once I was a gaucho in South America trying to track down a bass guitar once owned by the chap from Dire Straits.  The guitar I was looking for was dark purple with an orchid in each of the twiddly bits that tune the strings. Where did that one come from, eh?  I had another one where I was flying and I managed to control my altitude with my breath.  Mad isn’t the word – Bonkers is more like it!

 

Finally, I think the best thing about these mad, crazy, bonkers dreams is that I never know what will happen next.  I told my gynaecologist that I wanted to write a book containing some of them but I fear I’ll never find a plot that will easily cope will all my madness…  I’ll share them with you instead.

 

Foxy

Laparoscopy – What to Expect

For kasdaniels, and anyone else who may be starting down the Endometriosis road.

 

DON’T PANIC

 

A laparoscopy is currently the only way to diagnose Endometriosis.  So, anyone having a laparoscopy will 1) have the peace of mind knowing for certain what is causing the pain 2) get appropriate treatment for what ails you and 3) possibly join a wonderful group of women who know exactly what you’re going through.

 

As for the surgery itself, I can’t say what exactly will happen to you, but I will tell you what has happened to me – I’ve had two and am scheduled for a third, so I do have some experience in this area. 

 

What to bring to the hospital: overnight gear such as a toothbrush, toothpaste, a book (or something else to pass the time), and clothing for the next morning should include jogging bottoms with a draw-string top – elastic can be uncomfortable!

 

You probably have some hospital literature telling you to fast and what time to get to the hospital.  What they won’t tell you is just how long you’ll have to wait when you get there.  Don’t worry, fasting won’t kill you.  You’ll be uncomfortable on the day, but you will be allowed to eat after the surgery.  The hospital may tell you that you’ll be allowed to go home the same day, but I would recommend staying in hospital overnight – just so that you are monitored. 

 

Before my first operation, I was given a local painkiller anally by suppository but the second time this was administered once I was asleep, so you may want to be prepared for that.  As I don’t deal very well with people being interested in that area of my body, I was a bit shocked to say the least!  The good news is that it doesn’t hurt.

 

The next thing the nurses do is put an annular in the back of your hand – this will enable the doctors to administer injections without making you look like a pincushion.  This is uncomfortable but does not hurt. 

 

Finally I was given sadly unfashionable garments (under which you will be frightfully airly clad – not the kind of garments to go on Strictly Come Dancing!) and wheeled into a room where my anaesthetist was waiting.  She administered the anaesthesia by the annular (which did not hurt) and I found myself drifting off despite my nerves.

 

Then the magic occurred.  While I was asleep, I was given three fetching holes in my belly, gas was injected so that the surgeon could see what he was doing, and the Endometriosis was lasered off like a Star Trek episode.  After my first operation, in the Recovery room, I felt fantastic when I came around – initially I didn’t know where I was and I tried to climb off the table!  After my second laparoscopy I realised where I was and had a very nice chat with a nurse until I was taken back to my room.

 

I’ve had a laparoscopy twice.  Both times I stayed in the hospital overnight afterwards.  The first time was because I felt a bit sick after I had some food but it wasn’t serious.  It was a good thing because I spent most of that night awake reading.  The second time was because I wanted to stay in – just in case. 

 

Now, I’m not going to lie to you.  Your wound sites will hurt.  Take all the pain medications they offer you.  There’s no point in being in pain needlessly.  Also, you will want to sleep on your back for a few days.  Moving around will be difficult but not impossible: I was able to go to the toilet on my own the very evening after my first operation!  Make sure to roll onto your side and use your arms before you try to sit up.  Don’t overdo it. 

 

There are two bits of advice I can give you.  Firstly, on the way home from hospital, tell whoever is driving to take it steady and you need to hold your belly in a little (using your stomach muscles).  I say this because any giggling around will be uncomfortable on your stomach.

 

The second bit of advice I can give is for after you get home.  Take a mild laxative for use overnight.  I say this because after the first operation I had a terrible time with my first bowel movement.  Believe me, any abdominal trouble you have feels ten times worse when you’ve got holes in your belly.

 

Finally, if you’re facing a laparoscopy, remember that this is a routine operation.  It won’t hurt as much as you think it will.  If you are diagnosed with Endometriosis, you will join a group of extraordinary women.  We suffer terrible pain with no known cure and generally unsatisfactory treatment, but we do it with dignity.

 

Good luck.

 

Foxy

Hormones and Moods

I’m shaking.  I’m not very good at dealing with crowds sometimes and when my fuse is short I wind up wanting to shout at the doddering old dears who block the aisles and back into me and bump me with their trolleys.  When my fuse is short I have to keep reminding myself that it’s just my hormones.  However, suffering the irretrievably stupid is difficult sometimes!

 

Mind you, I suspected that I shouldn’t go to the shops today because I was shaking even before I left the flat.  Normally the best thing for me when I’m in this kind of state of mind is just sitting down in front of the TV and not doing anything – not even the dishes – because as soon as I do Helios starts to get underfoot (which is unfair on him as the flat is entirely miniscule and at least he’s drying the dishes which is a great help) and I just want to slap him. 

 

So instead of another Star Trek disc, I’ve decided to bore you with tales of my utter frustration.  Although my upcoming surgery doesn’t have anything to do with my polycystic ovaries, I keep thinking that if I didn’t have ovaries that my hormones (or lack thereof) will be more evenly distributed throughout the month.  However, being on an even keel isn’t so good if the even keel means that I’m still coping with extremely low oestrogen levels.  So which is worse, no ovaries and HRT for as long as I can beg it from my doctors or continuing on as I am and taking The Pill to ensure no unwanted pregnancies together with extremely low oestrogen levels because my ovaries are so crap they may as well be thrown in the bin?  It’s not as though I’m not on HRT and suffering menopausal symptoms already!  I can’t help but think that I would be happier if it was all taken out so that I can start to heal.

 

My largest issue with a full hysterectomy is sex.  This is the subject that leaves me in a terrible quandary.  I’m finally in a relationship where I’m not just emotionally but also physically happy and now I’m contemplating changing my body in a way that may effect my desire and the way that I enjoy sex.  Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to take The Pill anymore?  Won’t it be nice not to get frustrated and short fused for no apparent reason?  But will it effect how I enjoy being physical?  There are no answers.  Oddly, I would be happy to suffer a lot of these symptoms if it means that I still am comfortable in the bedroom.  Being physical means that much to me.

 

Just to be clear, my upcoming surgery isn’t a hysterectomy – I’m actually having a laparoscopy for my endometriosis.  I can’t help but think about a hysterectomy, my frustration with my symptoms has brought me to the subject on my own without help from the doctors.  It’s not as though the doctors (who to be fair have been trying to help) have been terribly successful in treating all my symptoms.  My desperation has led me to the subject and the doctors are now trying to tell me that it’s a drastic solution and, of course, irreversible.  It’s not as though I want children!  I’m so fed up with the symptoms of both PCOS and endometriosis that I would like to scoop it all out.  I’ve had symptoms since I was 12 – that’s 25 years!  Is anyone surprised that I’m nearly at wit’s end?  Luckily, I have had a promise from one of my gynaecologists that she would give me a hysterectomy if this laparoscopy doesn’t help. 

 

But why am I so shaky today?  Is it because I’m worried about the surgery?  No.  I’ve had laparoscopic surgeries before.  I’ve had my pre-assessment at the hospital and I’m relaxed about what I can expect.  I am concerned about what they’ll find.  Or rather what they won’t find.  Sometimes it would be nice to find one problem and they can deal with it rather than finding a number of problems that will need a bit of tinkering to achieve a balance.  For example, I keep wondering if my IBS symptoms are interfering with how I feel about my gynaecological symptoms.  Or perhaps the endometriosis is affecting my bowels and leaving me with IBS symptoms?

 

I’m also frustrated that my vaginal burning is so bad today.  You know, I thought that it would get a little better when I showered this morning but no.  I’ve put my usual cream on but it only helped for about an hour.  Now I feel like I’ve got a red-hot poker there.  I can’t sit or stand or move comfortably.  Why is it that everything is taking so long to sort out?  All these symptoms!  I’m not convinced that the surgery will take care of all my issues. 

 

I’m not normally so downtrodden.  I promise to write something more positive next time.

 

Foxy

It’s a Lemon!

Wow!  I’ve just been awarded The Lemon Award from Endochick at Endometriosis: the silent life sentence.   The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who have an attitude of caring – and I expect of turning life’s lemons into lemonade.  The award has indeed brightened my week!  My most grateful thanks.

Following the spirit of the award I pass it onto the following people who I think need some recognition:

1.  My mom (I know she’s not a blogger, but I think you’ll all agree that after her car died on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, she needs something to brighten her day!  It’s still not fixed and it’s precisely at times like these that I hate living in England – I’m far too far away to lend her a hand.  Mom, have some lemonade.)

2. My sister (Do you see a pattern here?  My sister is a blogger but her’s is about her career.  She’s a great gal.  Have some lemonade, sweetheart!)

3. Emmy’s Thoughts http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/

4. Alex at The In’s & Out’s of Endo http://theinsandoutsofendo.blogspot.com/ 

5. and finally, http://i-am-not-endo.blogspot.com/

The spirit of the award requires me to name 10 people/bloggers who really deserve it but, as I’m still relatively new at this whole blogging thing, I’m not aquainted with a wide variety of blogs.  I’ll try and sound more professional going forward…  In the meantime, I expect that you can give yourself some lemonade too. 

Foxy

PCOS and Fatigue

I was recently reading through some of the Facebook posts from women with PCOS and I found a long-running wall asking if anyone else is tired all the time?  OMG!!  When am I not tired?!?

 

On all the “official” PCOS sites no one mentions fatigue but I’m exhausted!  Seeing all the comments, it made me realise that while this Syndrome has been known to the medical profession for 75 years (if the gal on Facebook is correct), it seems to me that doctors don’t know all the symptoms to look for!  I rarely sleep and when I do I dream some wild vivid dreams that makes Helios think I’m completely off my trolley. 

 

It’s the concentration and fatigue issues that affect my job.  I get so tired that I find myself crying in the office.  I know part of this is stress-related; however, the stress effects my concentration which affects my stress which starts the no-win situation that leaves me unable to sleep. 

 

It’s not just the lack of sleep that’s the problem.  It’s my strange woolly-head that makes me unable to concentrate.  It’s as if I’m drunk or feint.  Some days I fear getting behind the wheel. 

 

I’m not saying I don’t want to work – far from it!  BUT instead of slogging myself to death, it would be nice to do something I enjoyed and where I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat thinking about all the many things that I cannot hope to accomplish in a mere 7 hours.  I’m finding my life increasingly difficult to cope with.  I cannot help but wonder if my problem is stress, sleeplessness, or a mixture of the two. 

 

One thing is for sure: I cannot carry on crying in the toilets at work!

 

Still, I’ve got my chin up – I’m having my next laparoscopy on Monday and a whole week off to sleep!  Things have got to improve after that.

 

Foxy

 

Laparoscopy

I finally had my surgery yesterday.  I’ve had a laparoscopy before – that’s where they go into your stomach via the belly button, fill you with gas so they can see what they’re doing, and then they poke a further two holes in you a little further South.  The rest is all about what they find and what they do about it.  I must admit that I was rather hoping that they would have found something that would have made them say “Foxy, let’s give you a hysterectomy!” but that’s not happened.  Unfortunately, I expect the surgeon would have said that if he thought that I should have it by now. 

 

In the meantime I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach and I’m walking around the flat like an 80 year old.  Again, I mention Helios who took a number of days off work as holiday to take me to hospital look after me.  I haven’t had to lift a finger!  The food and drinks arrive regularly along with my tablets.  I get led and steadied everywhere I go and when I need to get up in the night, he’s patient and helps me to the toilet.  Ladies, if you ever get one who’s this good – keep hold of him with both hands!

 

I didn’t like the hospital.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m delighted that the procedure is done but when I get to the place and I have to explain – more than once – what Insulin Resistance is and why I need protein at breakfast rather than just tea and cakes – it just doesn’t instil confidence, does it?  Honestly, everything on the breakfast menu was carbohydrate!  Cakes, toast, fruit and yoghurt – there was nothing there with an ounce of protein.  I put my request in and got some rolling eyes and more questions about Insulin Resistance.  Despite this, I tried to remain cheerful.  Later when I was on the table ready for surgery, I sung “Goodnight Sweetheart it’s time to go” as my anaesthetist gave me something to help me sleep… 

 

The endometriosis was widespread – located mostly on my womb, ovaries and bladder.  There was some on my bowel as well and it’s now been vaporised.  My surgeon said that I shouldn’t have HRT because HRT feeds endometriosis.  Isn’t that great.  Someone else hasn’t quite grasped the fact that I’m in a Catch 22 – if I’m taking things to help me cope with my polycystic ovaries it feeds my endometriosis, and if I am taking things to help me cope with my endometriosis my PCOS symptoms get far far worse.  It’s little wonder I want a hysterectomy – but I digress. 

 

The pain from the surgery hasn’t been unmanageable but there is some pain – I cannot stand up straight just yet.  I have to sleep on my back.  And where the evil nurse gave me an injection in my arm for my nausea – that still hurts.  Sneezing is scary and I’m trying hard not to get anything irritable up my nose.  Laughing isn’t an option either.

 

I have been told that pain in the shoulders is one of the side-effects of a laparoscopy – something to do with the gas that blows you up.  I’ve never had this problem but I expect this is because I’m a bit of a wriggler and movement is the best thing for any pain in the shoulders in this instance.

 

So surgery isn’t as scary as you may think.  It’s actually great if it helps and, these days, a laparoscopy is quite routine and far better than being cut from stem to stern to find endometriosis!

 

Foxy

Recovery from Laparoscopy

I still feel a little like a bowling ball – three holes, the larger thumb hole in my belly button and the other two further South!  However, the good news is that I can now lay on my sides again – but only for a short time.  It’s the belly button that hurts.  I still have a sharp pull at my belly button.  It doesn’t hurt – it’s just a very uncomfortable pull.  The other problem with my belly button is that it feels like someone has kicked me right there.  I think I’m still bruised.  Did the surgeon stand on my belly to get his implements in there or what?

 

I’m still walking around the flat like an 80 year old but I get taller and taller as the days go by.  The worst bit is being tired all the time.  I slept and slept and slept (with extremely vivid dreams – as always) when I first arrived home.  My body isn’t quite right just yet.  I fear the surgery hasn’t entirely fixed me – but then that’s to be expected. 

 

I also finally had a movement.  You know what I mean when I say Movement.  It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared.  I learned the hard way that the best thing to do is to take a mild laxative to keep things moving: after my first surgery in 2005 I took three days to get back onto the toilet in a meaningful way and I nearly passed out from the three hour effort!  Not the sort of thing you want to do when you’ve got holes in your belly! 

 

The worst thing is that I thought I’d be able to sleep this week – you know, catch up since I rarely sleep well.  Instead I normally drift off after midnight or 1 a.m. and still wake up at the normal time (7ish).  It’s little wonder I feel woolly headed and want a nap in the middle of the afternoon.  My head rolls around on my neck, my eyes roll in my head and I feel slightly drunk.  It’s awful when you really need to concentrate for your job and you don’t see the obvious mistakes in your email to the Director of All that is My Company.  I expect they thought that this surgery would have helped me but, if today is anything to go by, I’ll be fired by Christmas. 

 

One thing that life has taught me, ladies, is that there will always be a thing in your life that could be better.  Usually at exactly the same point in time there is a thing in your life that couldn’t be better.  Life is about balance and the balance is there to help us appreciate the goodness in our lives.

 

For me the bad side of life is work.  Work for me over the past few years hasn’t been great.  It’s hard to explain to employers the extent to which my maladies effect my well being – and difficult to point to something and say “Please be patient” because I’m not bleeding from the eyes.  Sometimes I hide the extent of my problems for fear of my job.  Oh sure, employers can see my monthly agony but no employer wants to give so much sick leave even though I’ve needed it.  They don’t want me in the office when I’m like that (and let’s be fair, I’m no good to anyone when I’m like that) but before my surgery I had far too much sick leave – I’ve filled my quota for the year! 

 

Pants.  I expect this means I need to look for another job.  This would be good because it will give me another clean slate but it will take 3 months for me to get my benefits again, which means that I need to try and see my private doctors as much as needed after my surgery but before I lose that benefit for 3 months.  I want a job that I can mentally cope with.  My frustration is unbelievable because I’m university educated, I love learning, I need a challenge, I need to be kept busy but when I go woolly headed I can only perform the most menial of tasks.  Not project work with goals, reports, minutes and lots of customer contact – tasks.  Copy typing and answering the telephone.  Things that I can do on auto-pilot. 

 

I hate my body. 

 

And yet…

 

At the same time I’m the luckiest woman on the planet.  I’ve got a great guy who is the most supportive I’ve ever known.  Helios is strong and handsome and sexy.  While he is tender and gentle with me, he’s as fierce as a forest fire when defending himself or anyone else he loves.  Our home is my sanctuary from the rest of the world and I never contemplate my short-comings when he’s around.  He simply doesn’t allow it.  After years of feeling mediocre as a woman, he has helped me feel attractive, intelligent and even sexy.  After years with Ramman, who really didn’t suit me, I am in the position of appreciating everything Helios does for me.  I’m even grateful for all those unhappy years with Ramman too for giving me perspective.  I am content. 

 

OK so I’ll be looking for another job and, no doubt, I’ll find something decent eventually.  We all have to focus on the positive. 

 

Foxy

Becoming British

I first arrived in England in 1994.  Back then the cordless kettle was a new invention and Doritos were first being exported from the US.  It was before Tony Blair, Brit Pop, Blur, Oasis and the Spice Girls.  I had my first curry here.

 

Once I married and got through the initial two years – when my homesickness was the worst – I wanted to become British.  My ex husband, Ramman, was adamant that I should not do anything that would count against him if we ever wanted to go to live and work in the US.  Nevertheless, I regularly looked into the process of becoming British and as the years passed I wanted to be British in order to feel more settled.  This is my adopted home and I wanted to make it official.  While Ramman’s views were practical, neither he nor I really wanted to go to live in the US and, as the years progressed, it became less and less likely that I should deny myself the protection of adopting the British Nationality.  Of course Ramman never let me.

 

As I left Ramman, I had a number of plans – to find a nice place to live, to ask Helios to move in with me, to take the Life in the UK test in order to become British, to marry the love of my life, and to become British.  It’s taken years to get to the point where I had sorted out my life enough to where I can become British as I didn’t want to do it in my former name.  I sorted out the paperwork and submitted my application (along with a significant £655 cheque!) back in September.  More recently, I rang the Home Office to find out where things had got to and I was horrified to discover a recording saying that they have such a backlog that they wouldn’t recommend chasing applications for as long as 7 months!  Now, I know that the rules regularly change and that everyone sane must want to become British but I can’t help but think 7 months is a joke. 

 

I am delighted now to say that I’ve finally received my documents back from the Home Office today!  My application is successful!  What happens next?  I will receive another letter inviting me to a ceremony where I’ll swear allegiance to the Queen and receive a certificate. 

 

Foxy

Recovery 2

After a little time at home I feel a bit better.  I’m still a little sore but the worst bit is that I have gone a bit depressed.  I went back to work yesterday.  I got there and sat down at my desk and cried.  I couldn’t stop crying so the HR woman took me home again immediately.  I then went back to my GP later on.  I hate to admit this, but I’ve been signed off sick and I won’t be back to work before 5^th January!

 

Physically I’m still tired and am suffering from internal bruising.  I feel sore but can sleep almost comfortably – I’m dreaming wildly and having a hard time drifting off probably because I keep thinking about work.  I cannot wear a pair of jeans: jeans push too hard on my bellybutton when I sit down. 

 

I’ve not had sex since the operation and I’ve not missed it – which is unusual for me.  I like to be physical on average once or twice a week.  I’m just too uncomfortable to even contemplate it.  I keep getting sharp pains in my cervix.  I am constantly exhausted.

 

So I’m sitting here until after Christmas.  I feel a failure.  Now I know there’s no need to feel a failure but it doesn’t stop me doing it.  You know how much I like raking myself over the coals.  The good news is that I only seem to cry when I think about work so to me that means I need a new job.

 

It’s a real shame because I like the company, the location couldn’t be more convenient, the money is good, the hours are fine but the pressure and stress is very difficult.  I find the work too difficult.  I cannot seem to concentrate.  I’m intelligent enough, but find concentration so difficult that I make silly mistakes or I forget to do things.  I frequently feel almost drunk with the inability to hold my head on.  I blame the Endometriosis.  I wasn’t like this in my 20s.

 

Beyond that I’m trying to keep busy.  I’m also watching a small backlog of movies that I’ve been meaning to see.  Shame I’m not sleeping…  I’m also writing my blog, sending off Christmas cards, taking the time that I never seem to have to take care of things like shredding old documents, updating Helios’ ipod, and having a darn good tidy.  Most would say that it is hard to live in such a small flat with anyone but it’s actually very easy – aside from the fact that there is no room to be messy.  We don’t have a dining room.  We eat every night on our laps in front of the TV.  We regularly go through our belongings (twice yearly) in order to make room for new stuff.  Despite the mess, I say that it’s easy to live with Helios.  I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else.

 

Foxy

Christmas Past and Future

 

Ghosts of Christmas Past

 

Looking at my previous life (which is what I like to call my life in my previous marriage) Ramman and I used to host Christmas every year with his parents coming to visit.  I used to spend the whole time in the kitchen doing the dishes and preparing the next meal.  I hated the havoc of it all and I hated having to deal with his parents – who were judgmental, bickering, materialistic and shallow. 

 

We always had to have an enormous Christmas tree and get all sorts of evergreen twigs to tastefully decorate the house in a restrained and elegant manner – the Christmas tree lights were always white and Ramman always had to put them on the tree to ensure that no one could see the wires.  The lights, as well as everything else, had to be “just so”.  The tree decorations and wrapping paper all had to be colour coordinated!  More than once I threatened to get a second tree and some second-hand curry-house decorations just to make the place feel festive! 

 

I hated conforming to everyone else.  I think part of the reason I had a hard time with Ramman’s family was because they didn’t like me from the start.  I was always under the impression that they thought I was a gold-digger and they thoroughly disapproved of me.  Over the years they gradually accepted me but I rarely felt comfortable around them.  I felt they were always judging me.  I was always on my best behaviour. 

 

My ex mother in law was materialistic and shallow.  She used to pout if she thought that anyone got more expensive presents than her.  She loved to tell us just how hard off she was – how hard she used to work and how difficult life was for her.  She hadn’t held down a job since the mid 1960s and since then all she did was go to golf.  Now, I’m not saying that raising children is easy BUT she never should have said anything like that around me bearing in mind I was raised by a single woman who in the winters used to shovel her own drive.  My ex mother-in-law never knew she had it so good!  The ex monster-in-law didn’t even clean her own house!  Once, I was vacuuming her house for her (because I’m good like that) and she was complaining that she needed a new Hoover – this one just didn’t seem to be picking up anything.  Well, I had a look and I changed the bag.  She hadn’t changed the bag in so long that the bag was solid in the machine.  SOLID.  I could barely get the thing out!

 

His dad wasn’t quite so judgmental of me but he was so lazy that he was a nuisance.  For instance, we all be sat down to our Christmas meal one year and he glanced over the table and asked for gravy.  Now, my ex husband was a vegetarian so any meal involving meat was a bit of a song and dance.  I had to use different utensils for different dishes, and after 5 hours of preparing vegetables, turkey, cranberry sauce and veggie protein, the last thing I wanted to do was run back downstairs to make gravy.  BUT, as it was Christmas I always did what I had to do to make everyone happy.  

 

His parents together used to be a real drain.  They used to bicker terribly.  They would talk over one another vying for our attention.  Ramman and I used to have to spend time with one and then the other in an effort to keep them apart.  I used to think of it a little like tag-team wrestling – we couldn’t spend time together over Christmas because we were too busy entertaining one or the other of his parents.  It’s little wonder that I frequently thought that the kitchen was my refuge.

 

Luckily all of that is in the dim and distant past…

 

Christmas Future

 

The past couple of Christmases Helios and I have spent together.  I love it that we don’t have to entertain the masses.  The only concern I have to worry about is cooking enough for two, putting up festive (multi-coloured!) lights and opening presents.  I love the fact that I don’t have to worry about keeping up appearances or being on my best behaviour.  It’s so nice to feel comfortable over Christmas.

 

Once again, I am so grateful for Helios.  I love his parents too.  They’re only interested in seeing Helios happy.  They’re consequently delighted with me because he’s clearly happier than he was in his “previous life”.  But that’s another story.

 

His mom was as nervous about meeting me as I was to meet her!  The point where I knew that she and I would be friends was when Helios was trying on a jumper (sweater for those of you speaking American) in a shop.  He had obviously left us alone for a few minutes.  I told her that I had been afraid that he would not want me once I was divorced.  She said that of course he wanted me!  She could see how happy he was with me and how she was delighted that he seemed to be much more like himself than he had been over the past few years.  She told me what he was like before me – irritable.  He used to come to visit and be grouchy and she had been concerned.  But no more.  And now we’re friends which, after my years of cow-towing for approval, is such a relief.

 

As for Helios’ father, he’s a lovely man.  He could talk the hind legs off a donkey but I just love listening to him.  At one point he was telling me what a good boy Helios was when he was a kid – always honest.  As a child Helios once accidentally broke the storm door on the house but he confessed straightaway.  He also regularly looked after his grandparents by going to the shops for them.  It made me laugh because I felt that he was trying to sell me his son!  “He’s a good boy.  He’s always been a good boy.”  As if I needed persuading!

 

I’ve never felt so welcome.  I’m very family oriented and having family in this country (especially because my family are so very far away) is important to me.  I consider Helios’ family my English family. 

 

So, we’re going to see his folks again between Christmas and New Year.  I’m obviously looking forward to it.

 

Foxy

 

Miscarriage

My mom and I were talking about my blog.  She is sure that I’ve had three miscarrages.  For those of you who never want this to happen or never want to know what it feels like – look away now.

 

It was between 2003 – 2004 when I was still in my first marriage and we were unofficially trying for children.  Each time it was roughly when I was expecting my period so I was unsure as to the cause of the pain.  Although the pain was the worst I’ve ever had, I didn’t bother calling the doctor – perhaps subconsciously I wanted to remain unsure?

 

For some strange reason each time it happened in the middle of the night – I have no idea why.  I woke up with sudden unbearable pain – not like my normal period pain – much much worse.  I’ll give you an example.  My normal period pain leaves me in the foetal position in bed rolling around in agony until the painkillers and anti-inflammatories kick in.  Sometimes I also need a hot-water bottle to help me cope with the pain.  This was different.  I felt paralysed.  I could barely breathe.  I couldn’t even tell you where the pain was in my body.  It was overwhelming.  Then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped.  Just as I was wondering what that was all about, I felt movement and I ran to the toilet. 

 

That was the first time.  The second time it happened in just the same way except this time the pain was not quite so overwhelming.  The pain was still extremely intense but I knew it was going to be short-lived and, as before, it stopped and I ran to the toilet.

 

The last time it happened I finally had the ability to feel what was actually happening without the pain overwhelming me.  It felt like my womb was wringing itself out.  The realisation that I probably had had a miscarriage (and the likelihood that I’d had two others) shook me.  You always think that, it’s the most natural thing in the world to get pregnant and to do so on your own terms – there are so many statistics about women putting off pregnancy until later in life.  I didn’t think about infertility happening to me. 

 

I never told Ramman that I thought I’d had miscarriages.  The pain in each instance was too great for me to even move and, once it was over, I didn’t see the point in waking him.  I always treated him like he was the more important one of the two of us and I thought it was important not to wake him.  Can you believe that?  I was uncomfortable waking my husband and getting medical treatment because he was more important than me.  Back then my ex-husband used to say that it didn’t matter if it took time to get pregnant and we’d just keep trying.  Unfortunately there were enough problems in the marriage that I suspected maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  I really didn’t fancy having IVF when I wasn’t sure if we should have children!

 

Luckily each time it was so early in the suspected pregnancy that I didn’t know I was pregnant – possibly only a few days or weeks.  In no instance did I consult a doctor – mainly because there’s nothing they can do for you after the pain is over, can they?  So until I discussed the issue with my mother, I wasn’t sure myself if the pain was connected with a miscarriage.  She had had a miscarriage before I arrived so she was, sadly, familiar with my story.

 

Now, years later, I find myself contemplating why and what if.  I can’t help but think that women sometimes torture themselves with the questions of why and what if?  The fact of the matter is that I’m actually really lucky I didn’t have those children.  But then I contemplate what if I’d have met Helios earlier in my life.  If I’d met him earlier would I have been able to carry to term?  As much as I know these questions are counterproductive, I cannot help but think it sometimes.  I’m actually grateful I didn’t have children with Ramman but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have wanted children with Helios. 

 

With the commencement of a new relationship (and I’m not getting any younger!) I thought long and hard about babies.  Ultimately I decided against it.  Why?  I think the answer is different for every woman.  I knew that I was only enamoured with the idea.  I didn’t actually want the hassle, work and responsibility of a baby – the romantic in me wanted to hand a newborn over to Helios and saying “Look, here’s one we made earlier!”  But that was it.  I didn’t want the sleepless nights, the patience, the constant colds, exhaustion, day care, school, clothes, snot, etc. 

 

As happy as I am with the decision, I can’t help but torture myself sometimes wondering why and what if I were younger, etc etc.  It doesn’t matter that the decision is made and I know it’s right for me.  What seems to matter most is the self-torture here.  It sounds a little self-destructive, doesn’t it?  Why do I do it?  Well, the usual situation I keep running over and over in my mind is that I meet Helios just before I turn 30 and we immediately decide that we want children.  I think I would have wanted children no later than 30 mainly because since then I’ve been getting more and more tired and bogged down in my symptoms.

 

Luckily Helios is very supportive. He said that he wanted me to be happy.  He even said that he’d be happy to have children with me – but I’d have to want it 100%.  Being honest, I just don’t.  I am too happy with my life at the moment.  If it’s not broken – don’t fix it.

 

Foxy

First Period after Lap

When I spoke with my consultant surgeon gynaecologist he said that he did try to get all my endometriosis but, with the extent of the lesions, he’s bound to have missed some.  How bad can it be?

 

The answer: not too bad.  I’m taking Mefenamic Acid and still uncomfortable but not so bad that I don’t know what I’m doing.  Does this happen do you?  Does your pain come in waves?  I’ll be reasonably comfortable for a little while and then I’ll want a hot water bottle.  I normally try to resist the hot water bottle mainly because I like it a bit too hot to help with the pain and I’ve been known to burn myself (more than once I’ve raised blisters) right in the small of my back.  The burn doesn’t hurt but it really distresses Helios.  The last thing I feel like is having someone clucking around me. 

 

So I’m sitting here with the laptop – appropriately – on my lap and I’m moving my back every so often, trying to stretch it out without success. 

 

I’m sleeping a little better.  Is that because I’m delighted at the thought of not going back to work at that terrible place?  Or is it because the anti-depressants have finally started to kick in?  I find I do something strange in the night – I manage to keep the sheet and the top bedspread on me but the two quilts in between the sheet and the bedspread migrate in the night over Helios.  I wake up before the alarm feeling hot.  I’m not sweating but I’m hot.  I wonder if I’m hot because I’m coming off the HRT or if it’s because our bed is pushed against the radiator.  Now, if you’re about to tell me to move the bed the answer is the flat is too small.  We don’t have room and I’m stuck for the rest of my life crawling over Helios when I need to use the “facilities” in the night – except of course when I have a lap and then I’m under strict orders from Helios himself to wake him so that he can ensure I’m steadied to and from the toilet safely.

 

I’m looking for another job.  So far there are a few jobs out there but it looks like there are so many people who want every vacancy.  I’m currently pinning my hopes on a vacancy in a company where a mate of mine works.  It’s in an industry I have a decade of experience in and I’m hoping that my CV looks good.

 

Keep your fingers crossed.

 

Foxy

My First Christmas with Helios

I managed to find our flat and moved in first.  I spent most of November decorating the flat – I spent a small fortune in Ikea!  I invited Helios to spend Christmas and New Year with me.  I was desperate for Helios to feel welcome.  I cleaned the place from top to bottom.  I cooked and cooked.  I made sure to buy all his favourite food – mince pies with warmed custard, biscuits, and many more sweets.  As much as I wanted him to love living with me, I also wanted to be sure that we got along as well as I expected we would. 

 

Unfortunately I didn’t have a sofa when I first moved in so Helios brought over a TV and we watched DVD’s while sitting on my yoga matt and cushions.  It was terribly uncomfortable but Helios didn’t complain once.  He used to say that he could live in a cardboard box so long as he was with me and I loved him for that. 

 

Luckily the bed was delivered before Christmas so we weren’t sleeping on the floor as well!  We had a great time.  I’ve never been so relaxed!  He seemed to love my cooking.  He didn’t spend the whole time complaining.  He liked my taste in décor.  Now, I know that watching football might sound boring, but after a number of years catering for the masses and not relaxing at all, it was exactly what I wanted.  Of course it took a little time to get used to the idea that Helios is so easy to live with and I used to fret over almost every meal but Helios regularly reassured me. 

 

I needed it too.  After more than 10 years of neglect, Helios was just what I needed in more ways than one.  I expect I still sometimes sound a little surprised that he’s so attentive.  I don’t mean to sound surprised in a bad way, I’m still not used to it.  Is that a bad thing?  I expect it means that I will always appreciate just how lucky I am.

 

After that Christmas, I told him that he was allowed to keep a shelf in the bathroom and that I didn’t want him to move in by stealth.  For the most part he accommodated my request.  In the meantime it didn’t take long for me to realise that I couldn’t resist him.  I still can’t. 

Happy Christmas everyone!

 

Foxy

Happy 2009!

 

We’re sitting on the couch and I’m suffering another headache.  We’re watching Jools Holland’s annual “Hootenanny”.  I’m beginning to realise just how out of touch I am with my youth as I don’t know half of the acts on the show and I don’t fancy a drink.  It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m contemplating the extra second that will be added to 2008 rather than bouncing around the room or watching fireworks being set off in the back garden by blokes with a little too high booze content in their blood. 

 

So much for me growing old disgracefully.  I did tell myself that I wanted to embarrass my children – well now that I’m keen on not having any I’m going to have to work on embarrassing myself.  If I’m going to be successful I’m going to have to work on feeling a little less old and tired.  I think that’s my resolution for 2009. 

 

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and to stick to your resolutions.

 

Foxy

Unwanted House-Guest

 

The night before last I awoke for a call of nature in the night.  As I walked to the bathroom I heard a loud chewing or gnawing sound.  It gave me the creeps.  I didn’t have to wake Helios, he sat up in bed as I went back to bed, “You OK sweetie?”  Well, no actually.  I think we have company.  I can hear chewing.  Helios got up to have a look – mainly so I’d know what size traps to buy the next day.  He confirmed a mouse which was better than a rat I suppose. 

 

I managed to sleep again that night but I plagued by dreams of rodents.

 

The next day I bought a pack of four mouse traps.  Now, you can buy “humane” traps that leaves the mouse alive but I didn’t want a repeat visit of this particular guest and, as it wasn’t brought in by a proud cat, the mouse obviously knew a way into the building.  It’s got to die.

 

Helios asked if I wanted help setting the traps but I didn’t.  I told him instead that I’d be a bit of a wreck once the traps caught something and I would be grateful for his assistance then.  He smiled and said not to worry that he’d deal with it.

 

I set them up – two with cheese and two with peanut butter.  When we had mice in my Mom’s old house we found that peanut butter was good bait…  Helios wasn’t sure if that would be good bait for English mice so I divided the bait and set them around the kitchen. 

 

The day then passed quietly.  I didn’t hear movement or any other noises and I wondered if it had decided to go after catching a glimpse of Helios? 

 

We went to bed last night at the usual time.  Of course I couldn’t sleep.  Helios and I start off every night with a bit of cuddling – first he cuddles me and then, when I get too hot, I cuddle him.  Well, he cuddled me and I couldn’t quite relax so we rolled over and I cuddled him when we heard a SNAP!  Oh it was horrible!  I clung to his shoulder and he had to calm me before going out to check the trap. 

 

When he came back he said “Peanut butter”, which confirmed to me that peanut butter is a delicacy among mice.  I finally slept last night.  We’re leaving the traps out just in case the guest brought friends.  I do hope that it’s just one!  So far all is quiet.  I’ve spent the rest of today cleaning, cleaning and cleaning.

 

Foxy

Visiting the In-Laws

(Originally written on 29th December 2008)

 

It takes 4 hours to drive to Helios’ family.  Unfortunately his parents live in a one-bedroom flat and his sister also lives in a flat.  This means that when we visit we stay in a local motel in the city centre at “The Barbican” where there are a vast number of restaurants, pubs, the sea-life centre, fudge shops, a large military presence and a couple of nightclubs. 

 

This time we visited we took down our presents for his family and spent the afternoon with his parents.  I’ve said before I like his parents.  His dad is in his 80s, is in remission with cancer (touch wood – as they say here).  His mum is in her 60s and still works.  She has more energy in her little finger than I have in my entire body at the moment – and she looks great.  I think she’s only a UK size 10 (which is US size 6).  I wish I had that much energy – but now that I’m off the HRT I’m really feeling exhausted all the time…

 

We also regularly see his oldest friend when we go down.  This time was no exception.  They practically grew up together.  Helios’ dad said “Oh, where you’ve got one you’ll find the other.”  The three of us met up for a couple of drinks after dinner and I went back to the room so that they could have a little time together “just blokes”.  They always seem very comfortable around me but I know that sometimes a lady can hinder conversation. 

 

The worst thing about travelling to see Helios’ family is the drive.  I don’t do the driving but I still find it terribly tiring.  I’ve never been able to sleep while travelling so no matter how little sleep I get normally I just can’t relax enough to fall asleep in a car or in a train or in a plane.  I therefore went back to our hotel room and let the guys have another drink – they walked me back first and then I sat watching Top Gear waiting for Helios to come back to me. 

 

Trouble is once I relax no one is waking me up.  I once went away on a “Management Team Building” exercise with Ramman.  We were only given one room key so I was expecting him to walk me back to the room when I said that I was tired but he didn’t bother so I fell asleep and awoke when he stumbled in the room after getting the night staff at the hotel to let him into our room.  He claimed that he’d been pounding on the door for about 5 minutes!  I took that as a lesson for myself and nowadays I make sure to stay awake long enough for Helios to come back.  Luckily he’s a good bloke and didn’t make me wait too long.

 

Anyway, I’m back home again and I’m wishing that we could visit Helios’ family more often.

 

Foxy

Follow-up Appointment after Laparoscopy

 

I saw my surgeon as a general follow up after my laparoscopy.

 

I couldn’t believe how nervous I was seeing him again.  I was a little afraid about what he’d say when I told him that I’ve started taking anti-depressants.  I can’t help but feel slightly terrified when I mention this to people for fear that I’ll be judged badly…

 

The appointment itself went well.  I took a list and told him that I’d been feeling down since the surgery, I’ve been prescribed the happy pills and I’m still in pain in my lower right abdomen since the surgery.  He did say that my hormones would be down a bit after the surgery – particularly after all the drilling he did on my right ovary to remove a deep endometrium (which explains the lower-right abdominal pain!). 

 

I saw photos of my inner workings and I was surprised at what endometriosis looks like.  After all that pain I half expected a large hedgehog or porcupine-type beasty with lots of sharp scary teeth but I thought it looked like inner pimples.  The one on my ovary did look scarier to me but I was assured that it only looked scary but is now removed. 

 

He told me that I need to stop taking all my HRT, Metformin and IBS medication.  He told me that my HRT is feeding my endometriosis and the Birth Control Pill I’m on has enough oestrogen to keep my PCOS at bay entirely.  Indeed, he said that I shouldn’t ever have PCOS symptoms if I’m on the Pill.  He claims that PCOS doesn’t exist if I’m not ovulating.  Well, I know that’s not true because even now I’ve got lots of extra oestrogen coming into my system and I’m still growing hair in places a lady doesn’t want dark, manly hair.  YUK!  Taking this into consideration I’m considering totally disregarding part of his advice. 

 

However, with regard to diminishing the IBS medication, he thinks that the endometriosis has been irritating my bowels all this time.  Once I settle down I can take less and less of this.  I started taking the IBS medication when my bowel had become twisted in two places and I’ve not stopped taking it since.  I’ve found it so hard to tell what has been the cause of the pain that I’ve been taking the medication without thinking why or even if it all works.

 

The only thing that I can take more of is my Birth Control Pill.  The doc said that I can have a period only once every nine weeks rather than once a month.  It certainly sounds better than struggling once a month!  The only issue with this was how I broke the news to Helios that he was going to have a week off only once every nine weeks instead of once a month.  Well, I mentioned this to him last night and he didn’t seem that unhappy…  Lucky me!

 

Foxy

Foxy in the Waiting Room

 

When I had a hard time coming up with a name for my blog, I wanted to use the name that Helios gave me when he first saw me – Foxy.  But it was my sister that suggested the rest of the title – and I love the fact that it doesn’t sound remotely pornographic!  Instead, it captures exactly how I feel about my dealings with my illnesses.  I hoped to convey the sense of trying to maintain my femininity together with the frustration involved with having a chronic illness and the fight to get treatment.

 

You know, I’ve had more doctors inside me than boyfriends!  Just getting a diagnosis – a real diagnosis – took 19 years.  19 years!  Granted, every month was not pure agony – my 20s in particular was frightfully easy thanks to The Pill – but anyone who has been through this much pain wouldn’t let anyone go through this.  I had been to a number of gynaecologists including one who tried twice to send me to a sexual psychologist.  I knew the pain wasn’t in my head!

 

The ultimate reason that I was diagnosed wasn’t because of the excruciating pain – pain that makes me lose sleep and work and was part of the reason for the break up of my first marriage.  The reason I was first diagnosed was because I was having a hard time falling pregnant.  It makes me think that doctors are OK with leaving patients in agony but infertility is something that they need to treat!  Can you believe that?

 

Now, I try hard not to condemn anyone and I know all the GPs in the UK are overworked but I cannot believe that something as common as Endometriosis should be so overlooked.  Perhaps we get poo-pooed because there isn’t a satisfactory treatment?  It seems that most GPs are great with sore throats, colds and flu where they can just dish out the painkillers or antibiotics.  However, you have to keep pestering doctors to get referred to a specialist and you have to keep pestering your specialist for answers and treatment. 

 

Don’t be afraid to look into alternative treatments.  I was afraid to try acupuncture at first (and even wondered if I would run screaming from the place with loads of pins in me – looking like some kind of naked metallic hedgehog) but it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared.  The thing that I liked most about Chinese Medicine is the fact that they seemed to want to deal with preventative medicine as well as treating my Endometriosis.  I found myself on the table with all sorts of needles sticking out of me – in my head, hands, legs as well as stomach.  It was odd to say the least.  I can’t tell you if it was more ticklish to have the needles in my stomach or in my back (not all on the same visit) but I can tell you not to move AT ALL when the needles are in.  It is very relaxing: so much so that I fell off the table once at the end of a session.  Please, if you try acupuncture, don’t do it when you have to immediately get back to work!

 

I think you can see that I’ve been busy trying to keep on top of my symptoms.  I’ve visited GPs, gynaecologists, fertility experts, acupuncturists and even a genital expert.  If you want to get the treatment you need to feel better, you have to keep demanding help.  Don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion.  Don’t be afraid to get the treatment you need.  Be persistent.  You deserve to feel better.

 

Take care.

 

Foxy

Ancient History

I met my first husband at 23 and moved to England and remained married for 11 years.   My ex never seemed to want sex and I tried everything I could think of to get him interested.  Once I caressed his leg and moved a little to make it obvious that I was in the mood and he said to me “Do you have to be so masculine?” (!)  Well that put me off, I tell you!  

 

The time that lapsed between intimacy grew and grew and, in the end, I talked to him about it because we were averaging once every 5 or 6 months.  Now, I don’t want to sound like sex is the only thing in marriage BUT I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want sex once or twice a week. 

 

What I was suffering was neglect – not just sexually.  He was obsessed with becoming a Director of a “blue chip” company before he was 30 and focused so much on his career that, more than once, in order for me to see him at a weekend I went to his office and slept on the floor. 

 

He was also obsessed with making money so that we could have a large enough house for our 3 children (that we never got around to having because the house was always such a building site and when we did start to try to have children I just had miscarriages).  The building work was so bad that we didn’t have a working kitchen for 10 months at one point – I washed the dishes in a small bathroom sink.  I had a working kettle, toaster and microwave.  That was it.  We bought that house in July 1998 and didn’t move in until April 1999.  The house wasn’t complete when we moved in.  I thought of leaving him for years but there just never seemed to be a good time to do it.  There was always some drama or the like where I felt obligated to stick it out just a little longer…  During the divorce, he wanted to keep the house.  I couldn’t work out why I would make him sell it – money is all that he loves so he should have as much of it as he can get his grubby hands on.  Leave me out of it.  I have other priorities.  Even now, Ramman is still there trying to finish that house!   I suppose it’s little wonder that after several years I found myself wishing for someone to be intimate with – just to feel a bit more like a woman.  I realise now what I really needed was a friend. 

 

I was friends with Helios (my current husband) for a number of years when he worked in the same company but a different office.  I realised I had feelings for him before I met him in person.  He and I talked regularly on the phone and over about 3 years I got to know him well, so yes, it is possible.  Ultimately there came a point when I knew I had to change to be happy – whether or not Helios was interested in me.  I felt I had to leave Ramman or else I would lose my sanity.  Life got very complicated for me for a number of months.  I even went to marriage counselling before we finally agreed on a divorce.  In the meantime, I was seeing Helios on the side.  I knew that what I was doing was wrong but for the first time in my life I was happy and I didn’t care because I made him happy too. 

 

Luckily Ramman and I decided that we should remain friends.  I make the effort not just to honour the years we had together but also because I still respect him – even if I don’t love him.  I see him from time to time now and I find that now I can say things to him that I couldn’t say to him when we were married.  For instance, he said to me that he was thinking of buying some land and building another house when he’s finally finished with this one (!) to which I said “I’m so glad I don’t live with you anymore!” 

 

Foxy

Relationships

I hope you don’t mind if I give you a little sisterly advice about relationships?  You may know I was married for nearly 12 years to a man that I respect and like but I have a hard time now saying that I ever loved him. 

 

I knew that recognising love would be hard for me because my parents divorced when I was 4.  It is difficult to imagine what love between two people would look like.  Do they kiss often?  Do they argue frequently?  Do they communicate well?  How?  Is it a process or is it something that happens like flipping a light switch?  How do you know it’s real?  How does anyone know when it’s real?

 

When people asked me why I came so far to marry my now ex-husband I would say to them that I wanted to see what lay ahead – but the word “love” never escaped my lips.  I can tell you now that I think I did love him at one point but it didn’t last long.  He really wasn’t my type and although I know I shouldn’t have married him, I’m grateful now that I did.  I learned a lot about what I do and don’t want out of a relationship. 

 

Believe it or not I was married long enough for people to start asking me what the key to a long relationship was.  I decided that the key is this:  A relationship is created by two committed people.  In order to get through the rough and the smooth you both must communicate well, respect one another AND have the common goal of staying together. 

 

Between me and Ramman I can honestly say that I felt that we didn’t have common goals, he neglected me but we communicated well.  Or rather, he told me what he thought and I usually went along with it because it usually sounded like a good idea.  To be fair, I usually hadn’t been given enough time to think about what decisions should be made: we were always doing too much all at once for me to be able to think about what I wanted…  You know that there was never a week that went by when we weren’t in the middle of some near disaster – house purchase, staying in a flat while the house was being sorted (which took 10 months and not the originally scheduled 6 weeks), damp problems, decorating, job lost, house falling down, law suit, extension, Ramman working between 60-80 hours a week and that’s just the things that I remember off the top of my head!

 

I wasn’t cut out for that kind of stress.  So when I started talking to Helios about what I wanted out of life I was delighted to hear that 1) he wanted someone who he considered an equal, 2) he didn’t want a large property 3) he likes to cook and appreciates a good nutritious meal 4) he doesn’t consider himself ambitious and 5) he likes to leave work at work and insists on leaving work on time. 

 

In short, I realised that he wanted what I wanted from life.  So now all we need to do is remain committed and communicate well – which I find easy with him. 

 

As for Ramman, I saw him recently and he looks absolutely awful.  He has very dark circles under his eyes; he is still veggie and now also dairy-intolerant; his family reunion was ruined due to a stomach bug.  He complained to me that it takes him too long to keep on top of cleaning the house.  He told me that when the house is finally finished he wants to sell and buy a plot of land and build a house.  Can you imagine?  I told him that I was delighted I didn’t live with him anymore and that he was completely insane.  I don’t think he appreciated it, but he is bonkers.

 

Bonkers.

 

I told him that I was delighted with the flat and I thought that it was the kind of place that I would be happy to retire to: it’s near enough to town that I am near to the shops and civilisation  BUT I’m also far enough away that I’m not listening to traffic all the time.  The flat is on the ground floor and has its own entrance.  It only takes me a couple of hours to clean the flat from top to bottom.  I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

 

Where was I going with this one?  Oh yeah.  It takes two to make a good relationship and if one of the two doesn’t make the effort, the relationship is over sooner or later.  At least I still respect Ramman as a person and I’m grateful we can still be friends because I don’t begrudge Ramman his success: money is all that he loved during the marriage and that’s precisely what he’s got now. 

 

Foxy

Mad, mad dreams

Thanks to PCOS I am plagued by strange dreams.  The fact that I remember them means that I’m not sleeping deeply enough and it’s little wonder that I’m constantly exhausted!

 

I found myself waiting and waiting in a queue for what turned out to be a unisex toilet.  There were different cubicles for men and women in the same room – some had urinals which, obviously, I couldn’t use.  Each cubicle was different colours.  There was no real queue, I just had to try and find one that wasn’t occupied.  It was slightly chaotic.

 

In the same night I dreamt I was at work in a queue for the photocopier and people kept cutting in front of me and then when I managed to get to the head of the queue, I forgot to copy the back of my sheets so I had to get in the back of the queue again.  Just then one of the scarier women in my office got behind me in the queue and gave me one of her cold scary looks, like she was disgusted that I was spending so much time in the queue.  I was stricken with my usual panic.  I hate letting people down.  I hate feeling like I’ve made a mistake.  I hate being unable to stay calm in those situations – I usually panic and rake myself over hot coals and make more mistakes in my panic.

 

I dreamt I was flying again.  I was in a queue at the airport to California.  I had left my passport at home.  Helios was with me and (for reasons I’m unable to fathom now) I was allowed on the plane with only photocopies of all my documentation and entrance to the United States.  Of course, once we’d got there I was then in the predicament of worrying about how I’d get back to my adopted home – England.  I was terrified and kept telling everyone that I was almost British – the Home Office currently has all my paperwork – and I mean all my paperwork!  (All passports, driving licence, divorce papers and marriage certificate to Helios!  They’ve got everything I am at the moment.  You have no idea how frightened I get when I think that they might lose something!  Getting back to the dream, the worst thought was Helios leaving me in the US on my own.  I was in a distinct panic when I woke up.

 

Then the following night I dreamt that I was deep sea diving and I found two very large fish with big scary teeth and a pole on their heads with a light on the top.  The next thing I know I’m back with some friends on land and we’re talking about this and that when I see those two very same fish again in a wheelbarrow (I told you they were big!) being taken into McDonalds – presumably for turning into filet-o-fish sandwiches.  I even recognised their antenna!

 

I’ve also recently dreamt that I was living in a one-room flat (Americans call it “an efficiency” and the English translation is a “maisonette”) with three friends and the living/sleeping area is separated by clothes rails.  Upon waking, I cannot tell you exactly where all of us slept or lived in that flat but it didn’t seem too cluttered when I was there. 

 

I also dreamt that I was at a university visiting when I saw some old high school friends and they were talking about all the classes they were taking – for their Master’s degrees.  I was disgusted and green with envy because I knew that they hadn’t been smart enough to go to university in the first place. 

 

Where do these mad thoughts come from?  I made one of my doctors laugh when I mentioned that I might go ahead and start a book of short stories.  I believe that when life gives you lemons, you have to at least try to make lemonade.

 

Foxy

English Rose

I’ve had a number of years living as an American in England but I’ve finally got my Citizenship Invitation and that I have scheduled a Citizenship Ceremony!  How exciting!  My Citizenship Ceremony will consist of saying an Oath to Her Majesty the Queen and the Pledge of loyalty to the United Kingdom. 

 

My Oath that I will swear is this:

 

I, Foxy, swear by Almighty God that, on becoming a British citizen, I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Her Heirs and Successors, according to law.

 

Then I pledge this:

 

I will give my loyalty to the United Kingdom and respect its rights and freedoms.  I will uphold its democratic values.  I will observe its laws faithfully and fulfil my duties and obligations as a British citizen.

 

 

I will then be British and will receive a certificate!  How exciting is that!  I’ll finally have been officially adopted by the one place on Earth where I feel most comfortable. 

 

 

What’s still great about being American

 

I believe that the best part of being American is the culture of tolerance.  I am part English, German, Native American, and possibly Swedish among other nationalities.  My background reminds me that we shouldn’t judge others.  It tells me that we all have a place in society – so long as we treat each other with respect.

 

It has been a long time since I lived in America – over a decade in fact – so I don’t miss much about the place now.  I’ve considered myself British for a long time… so long in fact that my list of what’s great about Britain is longer than my list about what’s great about America.  I will say, however, that I have missed the open spaces found in the US.  Originally I’m from the Midwest and I have been known to miss the long low horizon together with the perpetual bad weather. 

 

 

What I don’t like about being American

 

I’ve not liked being American for as long as I can remember.  Not even when I was a kid.  I don’t know if that’s because I’m a “grass is greener” girl or if it’s because I never really fit in as an American.  That sounds a little strange but it’s true.  I’ve never been the sort to follow the crowd – I’d rather sit in the corner and watch everyone else follow blindly off the cliff or dance around with a lampshade on their head.  I frequently found all the marketing and advertising difficult to swallow.  I find that the emphasis on instant gratification and sales culture feels like I’m being preached to.  I don’t like being preached to.  Maybe I’m too hard on the place and too critical of the culture but it was mine to criticise.  I’ve made my choice. 

 

Americans are internationally perceived as loud, stupid, proud and condescending.  I’ll give you an example: I was once in London on a Sunday in the Underground when I overheard one of my compatriots snootily saying where she came from “all the shops are open 24 hours a day!” – as if shops being open 24/7 was the greatest invention ever!  I was thoroughly embarrassed.  I wanted to say something to her like “If you think it’s so great over there – go home and don’t come back!” but I simply cringed instead.  

 

My thought is that I’ve come here to live and the least I can do is try to follow the rules here.  I can’t help but agree when I hear the natives say that when people immigrate to England, the least they can do is learn the language and try to fit in.  This means that while the culture values tolerance, the overwhelming majority of the population describe themselves as “Christian” and Sundays are therefore valued as a day of rest.  When I first arrived in this country none of the shops were open on a Sunday.  Now the country is more and more like the US and I take great pains to remind people here just how great Britain was before Doritos, hamburgers, shakes, McDonalds, obesity, the Patriot Act and fear.

 

The fact is that no matter what I do I’ll still sound vaguely American (and I’m frequently mistaken for a Canadian – which I take as a compliment on this side of the Atlantic!) means I’m regularly asked where I’m from.  I spent most of my early life cultivating my mind.  I find it rather irksome to be associated with those embarrassing Americans.  I’ll take great delight in confusing the Brits by telling them that I’m British once I have my certificate.

 

 

What’s great about becoming British

 

I like the thought of being British because I don’t like being associated with those loud, proud and ignorant tourists we regularly see in London. 

 

Why do I feel so comfortable in England?  Perhaps it’s my cynicism and the ability to laugh at myself.  When I was younger I used to think that I’d wind up in France or Canada – since I speak the lingo – and certainly hoped that I would make it to Europe but I never dreamed that I’d wind up in England.  Now I’m here I wouldn’t change it for the world.  It’s strange how life takes you away from any intentions you may have.

 

Why have I become so enamoured with Britain?  It’s not just the history of the place: isolationism (which is where I think Americans get their culture of isolationism), royalty, empire, and the long list of great thinkers and firsts.  A short list of greats include: Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, William Shakespeare, Margaret Sanger, Thomas Paine, Mary Wollstonecraft, Charles Babbage, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Bob Geldof, Sir Winston Churchill, Charlie Chaplin, Boudica, Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, Arthur Wellesley First Duke of Wellington, Marie Stopes, Professor Stephen Hawkin, Emmeline Pankhurst, The Beatles, and Mary Shelley.  I hate to say if I had to compile a similar list of Americans, I would struggle to do it.

 

I also love their sense of humour.  There is no subject that is considered taboo.  I have heard jokes about paedophilia, necrophilia, royalty, politics, and sexual fantasies.  Most of these have shocked me but also made me laugh – I like being able to laugh at racists, perverts, corruption and irony.  I cannot tolerate intolerance and intolerance is regularly shown to be narrow-minded.  I truly believe that Nazis would never be able to take over Britain because we like to lampoon our politicians.  Egomaniacs no doubt hate this place. 

 

Also, they have a special gift of understatement: I am reminded of Monty Python saying that a spurting amputated leg was “merely a flesh wound”.  They laugh in the face of danger.  I could be wrong but think this part of their culture dates back to the 1930s and 1940s. 

 

They have a saying here “If you don’t laugh, you cry.”  It seemed to me that Americans are happy to cry and make a meal out of tragedy while Brits laugh off most hardships.  I am proud to be nearly English. 

 

Foxy

US News

Today is the day that Barak Obama becomes the 44^th President of the United States. 

 

More than one person has said how ironic it is that I’m due to become British the day after Obama becomes sworn in.  I must say that I’m sad to be leaving the Americans behind on a day like today. 

 

It’s lovely that there’s finally someone in office that makes me proud to be American.  He’s intelligent, articulate, classy, dignified and inspiring.  The fact that he’s black is incidental for me.  For years I’ve tried to judge people by the content of their character and I cannot say enough good things about Barak Obama.  Sure, I’m delighted that it’s a first and it’s obviously a good thing for the African Americans of the country, but I am overjoyed that we finally have someone truly worthy of the role in the job.

 

If I was going to elect someone to represent America the LAST person I would get to do that would be George W Bush.  Why?  He is not the best of us.  He is the idiot lacking a village.  So when I say FINALLY it is a wonderful thing to have someone competent in Washington, I hope you can appreciate my relief at being able to hold my head up in public.  I’ve spent far too long feeling ashamed of being American.  I’m so happy that we have someone who represents the best of us in office. 

 

You know, Jimmy Carter wanted Americans to become more responsible and be less reliant on oil but Americans preferred to live another decade or two with their heads in the sand.  We now have to remember our responsibilities and not just frolic in the benefits of freedom.  I’m not talking about soldiers, sailors and pilots giving their lives, I’m talking about ALL US Citizens taking responsibility for their freedoms, their country, the environment and the world.

 

Let’s not forget it’s a terrible job he’s taken on.  You couldn’t pay me enough to take that job at the moment – with the economy the way it is.  I wish him luck – I’m afraid he’ll need it.

 

Actually I’m really glad I’m not in Washington DC at the moment.  I’m sitting here on the couch crying like a baby watching the proceedings.  What a soft heart I’ve got!  Luckily Helios is at work otherwise he’d call me a sausage.  I don’t know why “sausage” is the British term, but it’s accurate in English terms.

 

It was a wonderful speech.  I found myself glowing in pride.  He’s obviously preparing Americans for the hardships ahead but he’s so inspiring that I can’t help but think that he might actually lead Americans to greatness.

 

Peace to you.

 

Foxy

Interview

I’ve registered with a number of employment agencies and finally had a proper job interview today.  It was more than a little scary but I think I did well.  I’m only one of two people that they’re seeing.  The lady seemed keen on “selling” the company to me while I was there.  I was also shown around the department and introduced to everyone – which is also a positive sign. 

 

While I’m interested in the company (good location, large company, subsidized restaurant, gym on site), I would prefer a job as a secretary or receptionist.  I am a little worried that I won’t have the focus that I would need for a role like this – another administrator position with lots of responsibility and a number of people to report to.  The good thing about it is that it seems to be a tight group without any sales responsibilities – I hate the sales environment.  I’m not good with that kind of pressure.  The focus of the job is instead on regulations and passing government guidelines and I’m really good at keeping spreadsheets up to date and updating databases and following up tasks. 

 

I think I’m going back and forth with it because the lady I saw today said that she was going to make a decision and let me know later on today if I’m going to be offered the job.  Meanwhile time is ticking away and the longer I wait for news the more I think I didn’t get the job.  No matter what I wouldn’t say yes straightaway but I need some money coming in soon so I think that I would probably say yes after discussing my options with Helios.

 

In the meantime I’ve got a couple of other interviews to go to this week.  There’s one role that I’m much more sure of – I’ve been to two interviews (one with an agency and one with another agency) for this one.  I’m keen on it even though the company isn’t as big and the location isn’t as good because it’s a receptionist/secretarial job and I’m sure that I’ll be able to cope with any stresses involved with it.  I’ve left a message with the agency to say that I’m having interviews now but I’m more keen on this role so please get back to me ASAP…  Nothing so far.

 

Also, I’ve been wondering if part of my problem is working for women.  I’ve never had a problem with the men that I’ve worked for.  I think I must be able to communicate with them more easily?  Or is it because the ambitious women that I’ve worked for have been so keen on making themselves look good that they feel the need to make others look bad.  I was once told that it was my incompetence that led to my boss not making her target.  Me.  (You can’t see it but I’m rolling my eyes.)  How that could have ever truly been the case when she spent so long on the phone to her boyfriends, doing her nails and looking for T-shirts on line rather than actually working is beyond me.  Sure, it’s my fault.  I’m also the Easter Bunny!

 

Just got the phone call.  I didn’t get the job.  It went instead to someone who applied from another department within the same company.  I was told it didn’t reflect on me.  While I’m a little relieved, I’m also disappointed.  I don’t like sitting at home wondering how I’m going to pay the mortgage!  I can’t ever let it get me down though – no one wants to hire a misery.

 

Foxy

Interview 2

 

I had another interview this morning.  This time I was discussing a one-week contract with a computer company.  I was more excited about this role than the first, even though it’s only a one-week contract.  It will be nice to get a bit of confidence back and the more I’m out there in the big bright world, the more likely I am to get that. 

 

If I get the job, I will be covering one of the Assistants in the company and supporting 9 – 10 people.  I would be delighted to get out of the flat for a few days.  The hours are slightly odd – 10 to 6 but it means that I can organise a quick interview in the morning (if I’m lucky and get another interview for a permanent job) and head to work.  I’m keen to get back out there and get some confidence back.

 

They seemed to be very nice.  The company has won some awards and their website is very funny – including describing their employees as “geeks” with goatees, shaven heads or long hair, and glasses.  Luckily I speak “geek” as well as American and English so I’m hoping that means that I’m going to be given the job. 

 

I GOT IT!!  I’ve been given the job and I’m lucky.  I’m also happy and relieved that I’m obviously not completely incompetent.  Helios has said that he is proud of me and I feel a lot more relaxed already.

 

I’ll start on Friday morning and have a day of hand-over and then I’ll have a week there.  I do hope that things go smoothly while I’m there.  It’s only a week so I don’t expect that much can really go wrong.

 

Foxy

Temp Work – Monday

I’ve started my temp job properly.  To show you precisely how busy I am, I’m working on my next blog entry while working.

 

Today there has been a Siberian cold front complete with several inches of snow.  Beautiful but hazardous.  I expect we’ll be let out early for safety reasons – not many people made it into the office today.  I used to say that I was so grateful to have moved to England so I wouldn’t have to shovel snow but getting around over the next couple of days will require lots of snow preparations – boots, blankets, shovel, a coffee can and candles in the car. 

 

Perhaps Reception work isn’t for me!  I prefer to be busy so that the time goes by quickly.  I also need to know what I’m doing so that I can feel confident.  I used to marvel at just how dumb some receptionists are but I expect they need to be in order that they don’t lose their minds in the dullness surrounding the waiting for someone to call.  I keep wanting to interrupt others – emailing friends and Helios for example – but I know that’s not fair on them. 

                    

I was never allowed to interrupt Ramman at work – his work being far too important for me to ever interrupt.  Him being far more important than I ever was…

 

I think I have too much time sitting here waiting for the phone to ring – if I’m not careful I’ll start to re-evaluate my life and that’s never a good idea.  I think that we, women I mean, think too much.  We constantly think about our relationships, our careers, our children, our friends. 

 

I had a lovely long chat this past weekend with an old friend I knew in school.  I was amazed that she took the time to find me and how pleased that she seemed to finally be in touch again.   We fell out of touch when she dropped out of university and I’ve not spoken to her since 1994!   I spent an hour or two telling him all about her and what we were like when we were kids and then what she’s been up to since we lost touch.  She’s had an interesting life filled with ups and downs and because she’s lived in a number of places and had a couple of kids but is now single. 

 

On a slightly more vulgar note, I had amazing sex with Helios on Saturday night.  He actually rose to the occasion 3 times!!  Who else is this lucky?  Not a lot of women, I’m sure!  We managed a position that we hadn’t tried before and a good time was had by both of us.  Hooray!!

 

I asked him what makes a woman good in bed because, as far as I can tell, you just lay back and think of England.  Well, it’s not that simple.  He thinks I’m the best because 1) I’m honest about what I like and what I don’t, 2) I’m open to try new things (within reason!), 3) I let go and enjoy myself.  He said that most English women (or at least the sampling he’s had) never seem to let go and enjoy the moment.  For a man who’s keen on getting a woman to enjoy herself, I can see how that would be frustrating.  Finally, he likes it that I have a hard time resisting him and have been known to chase him around the bed.  He says it makes him feel sexy and I reply “Helios, you are!”  It’s nice that we communicate so well.  I think that that aspect of a relationship will easily show if there are other issues in the relationship.  Does that make sense?

 

So, tomorrow I’m working here again, I’ll cover the Receptionist’s lunch.  I was left with a HUGE project that took all of an hour and I’m now wondering what else I’ll have to do for the rest of this week…  Still, I can’t complain.  I’m getting paid and it’s getting me out of the flat.  I do need that!  I expect it’s very good for me even if I’m not enjoying myself…  it builds character!

 

Foxy

 

Snow!

In a strange turn of events, there is still snow on the ground.  It’s still falling but not as much as it was yesterday here near London.  Today the North East of England is bearing the brunt of the storm.

 

In the meantime, I am once again amazed at the complete inability for the English to cope with snow of more than a couple of flakes.  Even when the forecast clearly states, days in advance, that there will be snow (and warnings that it’s likely to be a record-breaking downfall) it still seems to catch everyone off guard here.

 

Now, it’s not often that I say the United States is better than England but this is one of those times.  Every winter where I grew up, there was a vast amount of snow, ice, frost, flurries, ice storms, blizzards, and drifting snow.  We were ready for it.  We expected it.  We anticipated it and we would shovel out.  It was rare that schools or offices would close.  We would just get up earlier than usual and pour warm water on our windshields and go.  I remember once needing two pasta pots full of hot water to clear my windscreen once while living in the US!  That was during an ice storm… 

 

Midwestern winters are cold and brutal.  I used to love struggling through it because I knew that all that effort made me a stronger individual.  Not just anyone is bonkers enough to live through that year after year.  Of course when I was very young, Mom wouldn’t let me shovel the snow but as I got older I would come over from my apartment and shovel out for the price of a hot chocolate.  These days Mom hires someone to plough her out – which is usually more expensive than it really should be but it’s better than being 60 and shovelling! 

 

I have a photo of my swing-set in the back garden of my home when I was young – but you can only see one top corner of it.  The rest is covered in snow.  I have no idea how many feet that must have been that winter – possibly 6 or 7.

 

I was in a “white out” once.  Well, when I say I was in a white out – I mean that I had enough sense to stay at home during one.  I got up one morning and couldn’t see my car in the drive so I stood at the front door and held my arm out.  I knew I wasn’t going anywhere when I couldn’t see my hand.  Instead I listened to the radio and waited for the storm to subside. 

 

I am familiar with several different kinds of snow.  I think I’m right in saying that people in Norway and Sweden have about 600 words to describe different kinds of snow.  Clearly a society revolves around the stuff if you have 600 words to describe it!  I feel close to the snow too.  It is part of the rhythm of my life.  I know what spring smells like in the Midwest – the sight of the ground thawing there is something totally alien to someone from this part of England.  What looks like a cold and brutal day to an Englishman, looks strangely like spring to me.  I find it inspiring.  It makes me happy. 

 

Ice storms are deadly.  I went for a walk in it once.  I found that the yew hedge leaves looked like they were covered in some strange liquid membrane that reminded me of tadpole eggs.  The fences I was walking past were merely metal poles with one strand of chain between.  These chains grew stalagmites and looked like an alien backbone.  Everywhere I stepped I had to be extremely careful as the ice grew thicker and thicker.  I felt more like I was skating than walking.  It was beautiful.  Unfortunately the extra weight on the power lines left most in my home town without power in the coldest part of winter.  The University has its own generators and became a haven for those who wanted a hot shower and a hot meal.

 

Here everyone gets frightened of a little frost and the gritters rarely need to come out.  I suppose its little wonder that when we finally do get a little snow (between 6 – 8 inches) the country grinds to a standstill.  Yesterday our airports closed, flights cancelled, the London busses stop, and the London Underground was simply unavailable for the morning.  Today has been no better.  My mom was joking yesterday saying I was probably the only one in the country who knew how to drive in these conditions and I think she was probably right.

 

The roads today haven’t been as bad as yesterday but there are news reports of snow turning to ice (compacting more like) and the conditions are just as treacherous.  At least I don’t have to worry about Helios – he walks to work.  While I imagine that the pavements are just as slippery, I’m not worried about him having an accident.  He’s far more graceful than I am, which sounds odd but is true.

 

Helios has made me laugh with the anticipation of our winter storms here in England.  He even did a “snow dance” like a Native American in the hope that there would be enough snow to gather together a snowball.  Well, he’s got what he wished for.  Winter at last!

 

Foxy

NEW JOB!!

I demanded s3x from Helios last night because (I told him) it makes me lucky – in more ways than one, heh heh heh.  Well, it worked!  I’ve have a verbal offer of employment from a local company and what a relief!  I feel like I’m hovering 2 feet above the ground.  I can’t stop smiling.  You know, I might not be so useless after all! 

 

Today’s horoscope for me is:  You will sail through the day on the most gentle of breezes. It’s as if you’ve just come back from a week in the country. You are calm and relaxed, and no amount of trouble at work can shake this feeling. You see things in a more positive light, and problems that once seemed insurmountable now resolve themselves almost without your help!

 

I don’t normally look at horoscopes but when they’re appropriate it’s nice to see when they apply to me.  When they’re not so positive, I don’t pay attention to them.  LOL.

 

I had a nightmare early this morning – Helios woke up early – about 5:30. I was already awake but drifted off again without too much hassle.  I’m still not sleeping too well.  I then had a nightmare where I got to the second interview and the owner of the company told me that the role was between a number of candidates still and that the successful candidate would be announced at the end of the lunch.  Well, I agreed to this but was keen to make sure that I got back to my contract position – let’s face it, I have bills to pay now and need to try and keep my head above water financially until I get a permanent job.  The lunch was full of people I used to work with years ago and I was given many many sweet courses (which of course I’m not supposed to eat but I did because I didn’t want to have to go through the effort of explaining my diet and implying that they’d not thought enough about healthy options). The lunch dragged on and on, each course was in a different room of some historic building and finally I said that I have to go because I’ll be late for work and then the question was “Well, if you have work why are you looking for this job??” I woke up in a foul mood. I really ought to know better than to fall back asleep because it just makes me feel like I’ve not slept at all and the dreams I have are wild and vivid and colourful and BONKERS.  Luckily, I’m better at interpreting these than I used to be.  Clearly I wanted the job and I wanted to stop feeling useless…

 

I decided to mention the nightmare at the interview – I kept it much shorter by saying I’d dreamt that I’d arrived and was met by the owner who told me to go away.  She liked this and said that it was a “good nightmare” – so I was under the distinct impression that she wanted to hire me at that point.

 

In the meantime I’ve cancelled tomorrow’s interview.  It was a job that I was quite keen on but they took so long coming back to me with a date just for interview that other jobs started to look more promising and interesting.  Also, I don’t want to interview for a role once I have a job offer – now that I finally have an offer I want to concentrate on starting that position rather than take another interview and maybe not get the job at the other company.

 

 

The company is located in my home town and is only a 10 minute walk down hill in the mornings – I’ll say about 15 minutes back up the hill of an evening.  It’s great because Helios walks the same way to work and I can finally start getting in shape alongside him.   It’s in a Tudor building (lots of oak beams and floors) with a Georgian facade (large windows, symmetric architecture and the exterior is painted the colour of a wedding cake).  They’re still in the process of finishing off redecorating the interior and that means all new furniture, desks, computers, painting, kitchen, carpets, etc etc.  It reminds me a little of the house I used to share with my Ramman (especially as it’s spread over 3 floors!) but in business terms means that they have enough money to invest in the business even now, which can only be a good thing.

 

I’m not expected to use my French – and that’s oddly fine with me. I am not confident enough to translate anything anymore but it will be nice to get involved in that industry.  I ought to regularly be learning things about a variety of companies in this sort of work and that really appeals.  I’ll be working mainly for one person but also reporting in to the owner of the company.  She seems very forthright.  I took a computer (Excel) test this morning and got 80%.  She immediately asked what questions I’d gotten wrong and when I told her she said “Oh that’s OK, the software doesn’t seem flexible enough to take the answer that you’re most likely to use.” – which made me laugh.  She talks a mile a minute!  I got to sit in on their morning meeting this morning before I left to come to work at my temp job.  All in all, I’m excited and happy that the business is being run with a close eye on what’s happening – considering they have a meeting every morning for 5 – 10 minutes to discuss priorities of the day!  I was impressed with the amount of work they currently have on the go as well.

 

The company basically doesn’t DO the translation in house – we have a number of sub-contractors that we regularly use.  We do provide a number of “checks” to quality assure the work has been done to a certain standard.  We also do authoring, translation and illustration work.  (Please note the use of the word “we” like I’m mentally working there already!)  The company employs about 10 – 12 people (mostly women).  They regularly have foreign students come to do a work placement (so I’ll have someone to delegate some tasks to) and everyone there seems very friendly.  Of course it being a smaller company, I’ll closely examine the benefits.  Also, because the company is still so small, I’ll be able to take the role and make it what I want – whether that means account management or sticking with a more assistant type role moving to Office Management. I’m really excited!

 

I’ll start next Wednesday – which is good as it gives me a chance to finish off my temp contract (ending Friday) and then a nice long weekend before I start something new.  The owner knows that it’s going to be a steep learning curve and thought that the first week might be best as only 3 days – to try to ease me in gently.  The salary is the same as when I was a legal secretary which is a pay drop but it’s due to be reviewed after just a few months.  I’m due to receive the contract before the weekend so I’ll have something to review.

 

So, things to do before starting a new job: get some more tights/pantyhose.  I’d like to look out some “office” tops as well – I’ve been looking on ebay recently and expect I’ll have more success there than in the shops at the moment.  I don’t know what it is but I really don’t like anything that’s fashionable for the office at the moment.  I usually go to Next (which usually has a good petite selection) but haven’t seen anything either on line or in the shops that I think will be appropriate.  What I really want is some more plain V neck sweaters with 3/4 length sleeves because they tend to go with everything and I can dress them up or down.  I can usually get things I like on ebay for a fraction of what they would cost in the shops – and I can go for a “nicer”, better tailored brand on ebay.

 

I’d also like to get some perfume.  Now I’m not like my husband who has a scent for every occasion.  I tend to buy one bottle and wear it until I get tired of it (which usually takes me through 80 – 90% of the bottle).  I was going to wait until my birthday (and still might ask for perfume for my birthday, Helios please note if you’re reading this) but am now thinking I may treat myself before then as my birthday is still about 3 months away.  Perhaps if I get a small bottle now, I’ll have used most of it by then?

 

Luckily I still have some money left over from my last “redundancy” payment.  I’ll probably keep most of that for a rainy day – you never know when those will come along!

 

In the meantime, what else is happening?  My old friend is hoping to visit in July.  It would be lovely to see her again.  I’ve looked out a few B&Bs locally to give her an idea of where is good and cheap to stay.  I do believe she’ll be more comfortable in a B&B where she can get away from us for a little while.  It’s a shame but my flat is really far too small to contemplate having anyone come to visit.  Well, I’ll give her some options – some B&Bs are as low as £35 a night (for a single) which is really good.  Some prices are as high as £60 per night for a single which is just highway robbery!  At least Dick Turpin wore a mask!  I have also been telling Helios about her and all about what we were like as kids – with the bad 80s perms, surf shirts and parachute pants – a strange combination considering that I grew up about 1000 miles from the nearest ocean!  At that age everything seemed to be so much more urgent.  Was it my hormones?  Or peer pressure?  I think I fell in with the crowd more when I was in my early teens than my late teens.  By the time I was 16 – 18 I was wearing clothes and shoes that I liked – I had a slightly preppy/bohemian style that wasn’t too sloppy.  My friend had a proper 80s New Romantic haircut and was miles more artistic and stylish than I ever felt I was.  Helios and I were comparing each other and he sounds like a proper rocker – stone washed jeans, black shirts, belts with studs and that only buckled at the left beltloop falling (looping?) down the right leg.

 

Physically I’m doing OK.  I am tired and still not sleeping well but I think I can safely say that this is now due to my hormones and/or stress rather than what I’m eating.  I’ve finally come off the neural inhibitor (that I had been taking for my chronic pain) and I think the happy pills have finally kicked in.  I had thought that it would affect me slightly differently – by grinning all the time for example – but it’s more like a cloud has been lifted from my heart.  OK, confidence, a supportive man and a new job has also helped but perhaps I’ve needed this since before my divorce from Ramman?   I’ve had some good weeks/months but this cloud has always come back around my heart.  While I was still married to Ramman I used to cry alone frequently.  How could he possibly know how unhappy I was?  He was never around.  I managed to avoid the happy pills for a number of years – maybe I should have given in sooner?

 

My other physical issue is I’m waiting for my first period (after running 3 pill packs together) and wondering how awful that’s going to be.  I wonder if by having fewer periods that they’ll be just as bad as having one once a month or will they be worse because I’ve run so many packs together but enduring them fewer times a year.  Perhaps I’ll feel better once my body gets into the rhythm of it?  In the meantime I’ve spent a few weeks now with PMT symptoms, some good (increased libido!) some not so good (grouchy, lazy, bloated, hot and unable to sleep). 

 

I find the blog good for my relationship with Helios – he sometimes asks questions about what I write.  His most recent one was “When and why did you go to Ramman’s work and fall asleep on the floor?”  The answer to that is sadly simple:  Ramman, at certain points, was working such long hours that I was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to drive home.  He’d leave the house around 7 a.m. and not get home much before midnight.  Well, my life with him wasn’t always that difficult but there was indeed a point where Ramman was doing that 7 days a week so I’d go into his office at the weekends and simply make sure that he got home safely.  While I was there I’d plop myself away from the crowd and play computer games or make teas and coffees and basically stay out of the way.  I found myself remembering that I was also looking at the travel websites thinking that “after all this I deserve a fantastic holiday!” but never got one.  In fact, I now remember Ramman once won a holiday to Spain but we never took it because he was afraid it was going to be “naff” and couldn’t possibly have the time off work anyway.  So I said to him “Why ever bother entering the competition if you had no intention of going on the holiday when you won!!”  What an idiot! 

 

I trimmed Helios’ moustache last night.  In his previous life, his ex used to insist on him shaving every day.  Obviously I don’t.  I want him to be comfortable and like facial hair.  It’s great for a number of reasons – one very much applies to the bedroom, but the another is that it makes his face look softer.  Actually, I’m trying to think if “Soft” is the right word and I think it is.  For example, I have a photo of him from when we first went to Paris and he looks very snuggly in his hat, scarf and coat.  OK, he also resembles a rugged Arctic Explorer but when I look at him I just think about cuddling into him.  In fact, Helios has a lot of body hair too.  This is great for keeping me and him warm on a cold winter’s night.  In the summer Helios asks my help to keep his chest hair trimmed.  All that hair reminds me slightly of what a comic called Bill Bailey said.  He said that he’d always wanted a tattoo of a panther on his chest but that he was discouraged from getting this due to the amount of chest hair.  He was told that it would look like “a panther in a thicket!”  Helios has that much hair, if not more.  The funny thing about it though is that he’s going grey right in the middle – so he looks like he’s got a fur-bullseye on his chest.  I like it.  I know that probably sounds really odd but I do like it.  I like touching it of an evening – either with my fingers or my nose!  I’ve liked hairy men since this half-Italian I dated when I was 17.  Why would a woman want a man who is perfectly waxed/shaved?  I want a man, not a boy!  Give me fur!

 

At my temp job I’ve run into a number of foreigners again.  I don’t know why I’ve always felt comfortable in the company of foreigners (or even people from the US with an accent different to mine) but I love learning things about the world, different cultures.  I don’t judge if things are better here or there – things are just different where ever you go and I tend to go with the flow of what works.  Does this part of my personality stem from my parents’ divorce?  You know, neither side being right or wrong, just different and that’s why they divorced in the first place?  Or is it something else more easy-going?  It’s so important to not judge people if you’re going to consider yourself a citizen of the world.  Now that I have dual nationality, I think I’m more open to the idea of world citizens rather than isolationism. 

 

The other thing that occurs to me about my new job is that it’s very feminine – I think left brain deals with languages – and at the moment I’m temping in a computer software company – a very male office full of geeks.  Now, I think that being a geek is actually a good thing.  I’ve always been attracted to an intelligent man so this place is full of men who could be described as just my type.  You know the funny thing?   I haven’t thought about looking at the men in the office until just now.  I’ve not seen one as attractive as Helios – and I’m not just saying that because I know he reads my blog.  I think in the past I might have been remotely interested in some of them (get to know them first before I jump on them!) but none of them are turning my head.  I must be in love, eh?

 

I used to think that I was waiting for my life to start – enduring an unhappy marriage, enduring (what frequently feels like) constant physical symptoms – waiting for some relief.  It’s taken a couple of  years and a few home truths (like I now know not to put so much pressure on myself to succeed but instead concentrate on being happy), before I’ve finally got some of the mental relief that I’ve needed.  Now, if only the new job is as good as I hope it is, I should be set!

 

Foxy

General Update

Helios has promised me curry tonight and tomorrow (for leftovers) which is great as far as I’m concerned.  I still need to sort out the fridge/freezer – the freezer bit still works but the fridge just doesn’t get cold anymore.  I’ve already had someone in who claimed that the cold air from the freezer is circulated around the fridge and the fan is now frosted over – so it’s no wonder that the fridge is warm.  I don’t ever remember my American fridges having this problem!  Luckily Helios insisted on bringing his beer fridge when he moved with me and I’m so grateful for it now – as it’s keeping the cheese, milk and other essentials cold. 

 

In the meantime I’ve had to finish off everything in the freezer – which hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be!  I think I’ve saved some money bearing in mind that I usually spend so much effort making a fresh meal that I regularly forget to check the freezer.  Luckily everything was still “within date”.  Of course when this is all over I’ll want to refill the freezer again which will no doubt cost an arm and a leg.  Luckily the repairman can come on Tuesday morning so it won’t interfere with my new job.  Hopefully this is the last major appliance to go wrong for a while.  I’ve already had to replace the washer/dryer (all in one machine), and replace the timer on the central heating which required the electrician and get the plumber to get the place warm again.

 

I’ve also been very tired today.  I decided yesterday to go ahead and have my period now just before I start work at my new job – that way I’ll have a clear 9 weeks without a period to worry about.  Otherwise I’d have started my job and my period just a couple of weeks after…  Not good considering I’m dealing with the “unknown” of how bad the periods are likely to be from now on. 

 

I’m also back to taking the Mefenamic Acid this week and hoping that my exhaustion is simply because my body isn’t accustomed to this routine yet – and I know it won’t be until I stick with it properly but hey, I want to make a good impression at work and I’m hoping that my periods will get easier and easier as the months go by now.  I must admit that there is a part of me that is relieved to have my period now – I’ve been so aroused over the past couple of weeks that I could do with a break, and although he’s not said it, I expect Helios would be delighted with a short break too.  My arousal is distracting and regular and total…  I only feel better after I’ve attacked Helios of an evening (it’s great for getting me off to sleep actually….) but I am aroused again in the morning!  Now, I’m usually easily excited but this is getting a little ridiculous!

 

I even apologised for jumping on Helios so frequently recently last night and he asked me why I apologised.  I find I apologise a lot.  I mean it but I don’t always realise that I’m doing it.  Take the incident for example, I meant it because I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable when we’re together.  He’s always good at reassuring me and said that he likes being chased around the bedroom – it makes him feel s3xy.  He said that me being excited makes him excited too.  In other words, I turn him on.  Me.  It’s not really begun to sink in that I can turn on a man by just being me.  I still make an effort and I suppose that’s the important thing.  These days I’m not so worried about being turned down. If we don’t feel like it one night, we can always get together another night.  The worst thing is to pressure someone into intimacy.  It only leads to grudges and bad feeling.

 

At the moment when I’m not “excited”, I’m too hot to sleep or just laying there in bed of an evening thinking about work (or the lack of it until just recently) and the mortgage and what I should do with my old diamond ring that was leftover from my relationship with Ramman.  Do I sell it now or wait until the market has picked up?  Or do I just hang onto it and give it to my sister by my Will after I’m gone?  I’m tempted to sell it to be honest.  Trouble is when do I sell it and what do I do with the money?  I really don’t want to sell it only to spend the money on the mortgage (and now that I have a job I won’t necessarily have to) but it seems silly to keep it in the cupboard when I don’t really want it anymore.  I would sell it and just put the money by for a rainy day but the interest rates aren’t very good at the moment.  Maybe I’ll just hang onto it for a bit longer and hope that its value won’t go down!

 

When I was a kid I thought that someone who was 30 was automatically an adult.  I thought that by the time you got to be that old that you’d know what to expect from life and be able to handle it.  The strange thing is that now I’m well past 30 I still see myself as “young”.  I think it’s because I missed out on that “Life Guidebook” I was somehow expecting in my mid to late 20s.  Being honest with yourself isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially if you’re busy trying to live up to others’ expectations.  Was my first marriage something I did because I was desperate to get away from the US and was afraid of being “left on the shelf” or did I really love him?  I don’t suppose it really matters now but that doesn’t stop me wondering.  Had I managed to be more honest with myself I probably would have ended up with an American bloke and never met Helios.  I can’t imagine life without him now. 

 

I think I’m losing my hair again.  I’ve cleaned out the brush several times recently and I’m trying to decide if it’s a problem.  It could be that without the HRT I’m getting my PCOS symptoms again (which include vaginal discomfort and hair in places a lady doesn’t want hair and possible hair loss).  My skin is really dry at the moment too.  I must double-check that my new permanent job offers (or is soon planning to offer) private health care.  Don’t get me wrong, I could easily rely on the National Health Service but there are times when it takes so long to get an appointment and then another wait for treatment that I’ve been spoiled with private health care being one of the perks of a job. 

 

As I’d hoped, temping has been good for getting my confidence back.  Of course it helps that there aren’t too many wild expectations of someone who is only covering for a week but I can arrive on time, hold the fort, keep everyone well watered and fed and keep the meeting rooms clean and tidy.  AND, if I hadn’t liked the place, I could have easily just sat out the week and kept my head down.  As it is, I like the place and the people but am grateful I don’t work here full time due to the strange hours, the time it takes to get home of an evening and all those biscuits in the kitchen.  I’m usually good at not giving into temptation but today I’ve had 5 crisps (or potato chips if you’re American and reading this) and three biscuits.  I’m not getting the heart palipatations yet but feel a strange floating.  I wonder if that’s because of the sugar, the period starting or the fact that I perhaps slept too well last night.  I think I finally managed to drift off before 10 and was awake just before 8. 

 

My ex husband, Ramman, used to say that he wanted to write a “Guide to Toilets” across the world.  Have you ever noticed that sometimes you look at the soap dispenser and think, “How do I get soap out of that?  Is it a squeeze?  Is it a pull?  Is it a push?  What?”  Then there’s the flushing issue.  When I was growing up I only recall seeing toilets that had a little handle on the front that you would push down the narrow end.  Simple.  Nowadays there are toilets with buttons – TWO – one for a “light flush” and one for number 2s.  I’ve also seen some very old toilets where the water tank is up by the ceiling and to flush you grab hold of the handle on the end of a chain and pull.  I have even encountered a sink that didn’t seem to want to turn the water on.  Oh, sure I could see how the thing moved to make the water either cold or hot but couldn’t work out how to turn the thing on!  Normally I’m reasonably mechanically minded.  Give me any photocopier and I can unjam it.  I can fix fax machines.  I had to ask how this sink worked!  I really didn’t think that I was a total dork but, in this instance, the score was Sink 1 – American – 0!

 

In some public toilets in England you’ll see these “all in one” metallic machines where you put your hands in and the water, soap and then air come down automatically.  Some of these are activated by buttons on the front.  An Englishwoman asked me once why there were never any public toilets in America – I said that we all just popped into a fast food place if we were really desperate.  She was confused because she thought that this immediately obligated her to buy something.  No, I said.  I thought that this was odd until I went into a pub to use the facilities and the barman shouted out after me as I was leaving – “What?  You’re not going to buy anything?”  I turned around and replied “No” and never set foot in there again!  How embarassing!!

 

Mom has been saying that I should do a separate blog about my experiences in England as an American but I haven’t really contemplated it.  I think that my identity is as much about what obstacles I come up against (i.e. my chronic physical conditions) as well as the things that I enjoy (i.e. living and laughing at the vast differences in culture between us).  Possibly “Foxy in the Waiting Room” isn’t a good title for the blog?  Or am I being lazy by wanting to express myself in only one location? 

 

Foxy

 

Step-Children

I’ve not mentioned them before but I have two step children.  I haven’t mentioned them yet because it’s a complicated situation and discussing them is difficult for Helios.  I love him too much to cause him any discomfort or pain.

 

They don’t speak to him.  There was a point (before I started dating him) that his son wanted to live with him but it didn’t work out and now neither speaks to Helios.  This is a fact that hurts Helios to no end.  I rarely bring up the subject of his children because I can see the exquisite pain it leaves him in. 

 

His son, Apollo, will turn 18 this year.  His daughter, Maia, will turn 16 this year.  They were born when Helios was young.  I cannot judge his decisions because I may have done the same thing when I was his age (and by that I mean try and keep a baby and marry the father) – had I fallen pregnant. 

 

I’ve not met Apollo or Maia.  Yet they are my step-children.  Mine.  I can’t help but wonder where they are, what they’re doing and what they’ll think of me when I finally get to meet them.  I’ve been through conversation after conversation in my mind wondering what they’ll think if I say this or that.  What do they like?  What don’t they like?  Have they fallen in with the wrong crowd?  Are they good in school?  Are they happy?

 

Ultimately I know I want to strike a deal with them: as I don’t have “Mommy” experience I want to treat them the same way I treated my sister when she was young.  The deal will be if I go OTT in any way or if they want an objective opinion they have to tell me and we can discuss how they want to be treated.  Of course I came to this idea after remembering how bad my own step-mother was with me.  She always looked like she was smelling dog poop when she looked at me.  I wasn’t terribly unhappy when Dad got his second divorce.  I don’t ever want to come across that badly to Helios’s kids.  I love him therefore I love them.  That’s the way I work.  I strongly believe in family.  There’s a part of him in them – whether they care to admit it or not. 

 

In the meantime I’ve decided to wait patiently.  I am assuming that curiosity will get the better of them at some point and I’ll meet them then.  My relationship with them isn’t as important as his relationship with them.  It’s hard to believe but I miss them.  I spend a lot of time just wondering about them and the feeling isn’t dissimilar to how I miss my family.  Is it possible to miss people you’ve not met? 

 

I sometimes wish Helios had enough strength to try to contact them.  My curiosity is overwhelming sometimes and I spend many nights thinking of them.  Strength is difficult to gather together when you’ve been rejected by your own children.  I respect that and don’t want to see him hurt again if they don’t want to get to know him or simply aren’t ready to get to know us.  Teenagers are notoriously difficult to live with and raise.  I am reluctant to push the matter precisely because I do not know them.

 

My mom and sister, I know, are in despair because I’ve married a man and have not bothered to meet his children.  I suspect that they think his children know something about him that I don’t.  What my family have forgotten is that we don’t know what Apollo and Maia have been told about Helios by their mother.  My mom and sister cannot see that Helios is a good person because Apollo and Maia don’t know him and, either out of loyalty to their mother or out of anger towards Helios, they don’t want to know him.  While I would be delighted to find them and get to know them myself, I must respect my husband and his feelings about the situation.  Ultimately they aren’t my children, sadly.  I say sadly because I would have loved to have children with Helios.  Apollo and Maia are the closest I’m ever going to have to having my own children and I’d like to get to know them but only when everyone is ready.  It’s not fair for me to push anyone – I can only try and help them all cope when they decide to meet. 

 

You can see that it’s a complicated situation.  I learned a long time ago that there are no black and white issues – no absolute good or evil.  Life is more a question of shades of grey and making the most of difficulties.  I just hope that by waiting patiently I’m doing the right thing.  I hope they don’t think badly of me because I have the strange notion that I could marry a man without meeting his family. 

 

As usual, and obviously the names of all involved have been changed to protect everyone’s privacy.  It is a lovely opportunity to conjure up an idea of what they might be like.  Apollo is the god of prophesy and healing.  Maia is the goddess of growth and flowers.  The month of May is said to come from the name of this goddess.  I have purposely chosen these names in the hopes that they live up to the namesakes I have given them – namely “healing” and “growth”.

 

Foxy

Full Stop

Full Stop is what the English call that period at the end of a sentence.  A friend of mine once asked me if there was ever any sniggering in an English class in the US when you’d talk about “periods” and I had to say no.  Double entendres don’t always go down well over there.

 

So I have finally started my period after several weeks of keeping it at bay and running pill packs together.  It’s not as bad as I’d feared.  I’m managing the pain with my mefenamic acid and a little extra painkiller at night.  It’s not as heavy as I had imagined it would be either which is good. 

 

I am still finding it hard to sleep at night but I think that’s because the hormones are keeping me HOT HOT HOT!  I kick the covers off and then wake up cold in the middle of the night.  I can’t seem to get to a comfortable temperature and stay there.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that suffers with that though, eh?

 

I had a couple of days of spotting which was unexpected.  I half expected everything to arrive at once at full force for the whole time but so far it seems like a “normal” period.  Or should I say, the most normal that I’ve had? 

 

Now all I have to do is go to work next week and hope that things work out OK.  At least I won’t be worried about my usual issues within the first month or two! 

 

Can I just say that my jaw really hurts too?  It’s like I’m clenching all the time and my face is worn out with the strain.  This has been going on for a few weeks now so I don’t think it’s related to my period, I suspect that it’s a product of being out of work and worrying about life in general…  I’m a bit of a worrier.  It’s in my nature.  I don’t like it but saying “Stop that!” and actually stopping are two different things.  Perhaps I’ll feel better once I’m at work again…

 

Keep everything crossed.

 

Foxy

New Job

Wow!  What a week! 

 

I had an extra long weekend before I started my new job – which was great for me to get more than caught up on the usual chores before I ran out of time…  The laundry is clean.  The fridge/freezer has been fixed and now seems to be an appropriate cold throughout. 

 

The job is just great.  It’s a small translation agency.  We get work in and forward it to translators.  We receive it back from translators and quality check it before we return it to the client.  Simple.  It does, however, require a lot of organisation and chasing and I think I can cope with that. 

 

But how does this role differ from the other jobs I’ve had?  Well, firstly the team is painfully small.  The company employs about 10 – 12 people in total – so we all have to get along.  We all have office chores to complete – we each take turns emptying the dishwasher or the bins and making rounds of tea.  This makes me feel like I’m part of the team rather than making me think that “I don’t get paid enough to do this sort of nonsense”.  It’s great when we all muck in and I feel that I have a lot to learn from everyone there.

 

Also, the owner of the company seems genuinely interested in her staff:  we have already had an interesting heart to heart about children.  She tends to chase us out of the office just after closing time.  She’s a real character with lots of charisma.  I find her easy to follow and her passion with the business is infectious.  She is slightly bonkers as well – which I think means that she’s fun.  We’re going to have our Christmas party in London before the end of February because they haven’t gotten around to having a Christmas party in 2008.  Of course, this means that I’m going to suggest and look into Christmas party venues and activities in September this year to ensure that we get something decent in December!

 

Thirdly, I think it’s an intelligent industry – I say this because I feel I have a lot to learn from everyone involved – I’m not just selling, selling, selling.  I have to learn to communicate with and manage people from different cultures to provide a service.  I’m getting a lot of training by watching her and another Account Manager.  I would say that that’s all I’ve done this week but in fact I was given a short project to finish off and I took charge of another (painfully small) project that I have already seen through to completion.  This has given me more confidence than I’ve had in a long time and I’m looking forward to next week already.

 

Have I finally landed on my feet?  Time will tell…  In the meantime I wish all of you a Happy Christmas. 

 

Foxy

Six things that make me smile

I was tagged by Jeanne at http://www.endendoat.blogspot.com/ and my friend at http://thebattlecontinues.blogspot.com/  to share six things that make me smile.  Since I like to focus on the positive, I’ll share these with you:

 

1. Helios.  I know, I know.  Everyone probably mentions their “better halves” at number 1 but he makes me smile.  I could list the reasons but I wouldn’t get around to the rest of my list if I did that!
2. My family.  It’s hard to keep maintain long distance relationships but they’ve been incredibly good about keeping in touch with me and just thinking of them makes me smile.  Thanks Mom and to my sister!
3. My friends.  There are quite a few people in my life who have no idea that I blog and I cherish all of them for reflecting different facets of my personality and just being good people.
4. My blog.  I’ve met some inspirational women by simply sharing my woes and I’m grateful for their friendship. 
5. Going to work.  It’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed a job and going to work so I’m really savouring this feeling!
6. My garden.  In the summer I like getting my hands dirty and in the winter I love the way the light caresses the trees.  It reminds me of Maxfield Parrish paintings and always makes me smile.

  

 

I’m now tagging Emmy at http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/ and my friend at http://autoimmunelife.wordpress.com/.   I find them both inspiring and I would like to spread the smiles – the world needs more, don’t you think?

 

Foxy

Strange Translations

There is a village in France called “Mon Cul” which translated means (forgive my French) “My @ss”.

 

I just love learning about other cultures and I laughed so hard I nearly fell of the chair when my friend was telling me about this.  She said that there was a competition to help the Tourist Board come up with a catchy slogan to help entice people to Mon Cul. 

 

I will now pause while you ponder a few of your own ideas…  What would make you want to go to Mon Cul?

 

They wound up on the slogan “Discover the contours of Mon Cul” which is naughty enough to get a laugh but sensible enough to be enticing. 

 

My French friend also told me about a town they drive through to get to her parents’ house called “Fursac”.  I can’t think of any catchy slogans for that one.  “Sporren” is the only clean thing I can think to say about that.

 

Talking to her got me thinking about England…

 

For example in England there’s a couple of villages – one called “Upper Slaughter” and the other called “Lower Slaughter”.  Was “Jack the Ripper” inspired there?  More to the point: would you want to GO there?  I can just imagine telling my Mom – yes I had a lovely time in the Cotswolds on holiday.  I found a lovely B&B in Lower Slaughter and witnessed several murders before the end of a restful weekend…

 

What is the best way to pronounce “Ashby de la Zouche”?

 

What possessed people to name their town “Dorking” or worse “Cocking”!  Is there some sort of historic significance to it?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I like this country.  Strangely enough, I also like the humour in the place names here.  I don’t know why they put themselves through it, but I like the humour in it!

 

Foxy

Work Achievements and Other News

It’s the end of my second week at my new job and I’m still feeling confident.  I’ve come to grips with the process of dealing with translation projects and am starting to build relationships with translators.  I need to get involved in creating a spreadsheet of preferred suppliers but I can start that next week… 

 

My boss is completely mental.  She brings her cats to the office and I’m now officially an aunt to two cats.  In order to cope with the allergies, I take my nasal spray and wash my hands soon after stroking them.  Despite this, I find them relaxing in the office.  Sure, they’re a distraction but the fact that my boss brings them in the office makes the place seem fun. 

The cats themselves are sweet but went bonkers when they smelled the tuna in my salad.  They sat on my desk like vultures until I finished it off and put the bowl away.  I called it cupboard love and my boss suitably giggled.

 

In other news:

 

I saw Ramman after his birthday and because he keeps finding things in his house that he considers to be mine.  This time it was an old spoon, some more out-of-date paperwork and an old photo of a friend.  I went over to his house for a cup of tea (I brought my own because I’m a little particular – I need caffeine free drinks because caffeine instigates an insulin response.) and a chat.  It is nice to catch up with an old friend, and even nicer to leave Ramman’s house behind.  I don’t hate him but I have started to see him in the light that a lot of my friends and family see him – he really is full of himself.  I can’t help but think that he wanted to see me to crow about his impending job promotion and HUGE pay increase. 

 

At least this time he had the decency to remind me that his mortgage is a lot higher since I left him but I know that I took with me the equivalent of one year’s salary to him a few years ago and his salary and bonuses have only increased since I left.  What a pr!ck!  As if I’d ever feel sorry for him financially.  These days to even things out, I feel the need to crow when I’m around him: show off by telling him all the shows and movies I’ve recently so that I’m not outdone by him.  Beyond that it was nice to talk to him.  He seems to be doing much better these days, he’s lost weight and his ambition is taking to further dizzying heights.  I wish him luck.

 

I find I only have an emotional reaction when I go in the extra bedroom – which is where I was staying while I was separated from Ramman, and when I was courting Helios, before I found our flat.  The rest of the house is cold to me.  It’s as if I never lived there.  I used to find this reaction strange but now I don’t – it’s just how it is.  Perhaps it stems from the fact that I never felt comfortable living with hm?

 

I suppose at least the decade I spent with him isn’t a total waste at least we can still be friendly… 

 

Foxy

Fetch the wheelbarrow

 

My sister once said that she could tell the size of a man’s “member” just by looking at him.  She spouted something about confidence and how a man walked.  Ramman’s comment to that was “You mean when he’s in the buff and if he’s got a wheelbarrow with him?” 

 

I don’t know how accurate she is but she certainly sounded confident!  I suspect that she’s got more experience than I do – and she’s 12 years my junior!  Can I just say how irksome that is!  Of course I’m not jealous – I’m very happy with what I’ve got at the moment.  (So much so that last Christmas I got him “Sex God” underpants.)  I occasionally wonder if I missed anything.  I don’t think I did because I was never forward enough to fancy sex after just a few dates.  I don’t even kiss on the first date.  A peck on the cheek was the most I’ve ever thought about giving.  I’m not saying that my sister is any easier than I am either – she’s just been single longer than I’ve been throughout our lives.  And she’s louder than I am, which makes her sound more confident than I am, I expect.

 

I know there are a number of theories in discovering how large the package is before getting him home.  I remember when I was in college (centuries ago), I was at our lunch table with a bunch of my girlfriends.  One of them was loudly telling us all (I think she wound up working with the deaf) about her recent conquest and how disappointed she was when she saw.  I seem to remember a fishing analogy and “throwing back small minnows!”  The funniest thing about that lunch was the number of men who were craning their heads around eavesdropping on the conversation. 

 

Women check feet, a nose or anything like that but the most accurate tell-tale sign is checking a man’s hands.  I found that out from Helios!  Now, I don’t want to say that I’ve had a large sampling of men to check the accuracy of this statement but I can assure you that, amongst the small sampling of the male population that I’ve taken I’ll say it’s the most accurate indicator I’ve found.

 

Now you know.  It’s not got anything to do with confidence or a large Roman nose (Although I will say that a wheelbarrow would be a dead giveaway!), just examine your date’s hands and choose according to your requirements. 

 

Foxy

Jeanne’s Endo Blog – Chronic Conditions at Work

Jeanne at Jeanne’s Endo Blog has once again opened my eyes to issues that are surrounding the condition of Endometriosis.  Please please please have a look at her post dated 16th February and sign the petition!

 

http://www.endendoat.blogspot.com/

 

My dream is that a cure is found and that no other woman has to suffer the way I’ve done since I was 12 (I’m nearly 38 now!) and have to wait for years and years for a diagnosis.  Initially I was diagnosed with “cramps” when I was 12 and told to take painkillers.  The sad truth is that now I do have a proper diagnosis, the only treatment is painkillers, surgery and more recently I’ve been told to run my birth control pill packs together so that I have fewer periods.  This kind of treatment is simply not good enough! 

 

If you want to read an amazing article about living with chronic illness and maintaining a career/work please click on the article below.

 

http://www.more.com/work-money/work/chronic-illness/

 

This article was recommended by Jeanne in her blog and is a wonderful read. 

 

I will confess that I’ve not told my new employer about my medical conditions, mainly because I was desperate for the job and need to be able to cover the mortgage.  Sure, I’m confident that I can do the job – on the days when I’m not in pain.

 

I have had to learn how to communicate with doctors about the intensity of pain, the length of pain and how it effects my day-to-day life.  After reading the article, I realise that it’s OK to tell my work colleagues about my condition – but I’ll probably say that I’m getting better while meaning “I’m learning to live with my condition.”

 

As pain affects me only at certain times in my cycle, I’ve managed so far to omit telling anyone at my new job.  It wasn’t that long ago that the pain has been known to be so intense that I have been known to be sent home from work.  (Which is a really big thing for me considering I rarely have time off work for any other reason! I usually only relent after kicking and screaming and saying “but I’m not contagious!”)  If my pain arrives at the weekend (or indeed once I’ve been sent home) the best thing for me to do is load up on my prescription painkillers and make a boiling hot hot-water bottle and curl up on the couch with a movie or just go to bed.  

 

Unfortunately, my condition is such that I know it will eventually get worse and will be so bad that I’ll need surgery again.  (I’ve had two surgeries for it already!)  When I’m suffering with the pain, I can’t cope.  Once I’ve had enough painkillers to cope with the pain, I can’t cope because I’m really doped up.  Either way I’m completely incapacitated and unfit for work.

 

Should I tell the gang at my new work?  Would it be worth doing considering I’m not planning to have a period as often as before?  Isn’t it awful that anyone should have to think like this and worry about keeping a job! 

 

I’ll try and remain positive and ponder my options…  Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

Foxy

Xmas party Feb 09

I don’t know why my new work put off their Christmas party until February but I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know everyone outside of work yesterday. 

 

I was unsure if I should wear my black dress so I tried it on in front of Helios.  He said I looked great and when I asked if he thought it was too low-cut, he simply said “boobies”!  The dress nearly went back in the wardrobe!  I knew that everyone else would be dressing up so I decided to scare the natives with the sight of my cleavage!

 

We had nearly a full day at work – we all left the office and caught the 3 pm train into London. 

 

We started off at Brown’s in London with “Afternoon Tea” which consisted of a choice of tea (I chose Rose – which was delicious), finger sandwiches without crusts, scones with jam and clotted cream, and a variety of pretty finger cakes.  This wide variety of carbs arrived in a tower of plates that were replenished accompanied (in my case) with a glass of pink champagne.  It was all terribly civilised and frightfully English.  I really enjoyed myself.  I don’t often get to behave like a lady and do something that I would consider to be “refined”.  After we couldn’t possibly eat any more, we took a short walk to another hotel for cocktails and water.

 

I knew I’d be suffering a bit today.  Of course, I am.  Not only do I have a little headache, I also feel even more dry and hot vaginally than I have done over the past few weeks.  I will have to be doubly strict with my diet over the next few days to feel more normal. 

 

I’ve been told that the vaginal pain comes because I have low oestrogen levels (which is related to my PCOS problem) but my most recent specialist insisted that my birth control would give me more than enough oestrogen – but clearly that’s not entirely the case…  I’m starting to think that the only answer I’m going to find is that there isn’t a balance and I have to decide which symptoms I can most easily live with on a day to day basis.

 

It’s not good enough, is it?

 

Sorry, I started off this entry bragging about a Xmas party in February and I’ve ended up having another moan.  I’ll have another glass of water now and go back to bed.

 

Foxy

Keeping fit with sexercise

Exercise is good for my endometriosis and PCOS.  It helps my body regulate everything.  I therefore have been making the effort and walking to and from work recently.  Already I’m noticing an increased stamina but I’ve got a long way to go before I’m in as good a shape as Helios.  He’s been walking to work most days since he got the job in the village.  It’s good for him not just for the usual issues but also because he’s got an issue with one of the bones in his foot and it benefits from regular walking.

 

Bearing all of the above in mind, I couldn’t help but laugh when Helios sent me the link to the below BBC article. 

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/1/hi/health/4703166.stm

 

I’ve said for years that sex is good for you but now I’ve got a list of good reasons!  I have to say that I had no idea that you’d burn quite so many calories per hour – but then who ever manages to keep going for an hour.  Oh yeah, that’s right, Helios and I manage long sessions regularly!  I hate to brag but I will if only because I’m so much happier now than I ever have been before so I hope you’ll forgive my crowing!

 

Foxy

 

Odd ramblings…

When I was young I loved horses.  OK, that’s an understatement.  I used to run around on all fours (with my bottom high in the air) so that I sounded like a horse running.  I told my mom once that I wanted to make horse noises (neighing) for the movies and when she asked why anyone wouldn’t just get a horse to do this instead, I said “I’d do it better than a horse”.  I used to pretend that my bicycle was a horse.  I even told my mom that I wanted to marry a horse!  Once my grandmother was so concerned, she asked my mother if she’d been frightened by a horse when she was pregnant with me.  When I say that I think I was an odd child – I’m really referring to days like these.  Luckily I slowly grew out of it.  I still think that they’re elegant animals.  At one point I was tempted to take a blacksmith course and escape to the country but I know I’m really too happy with my creature comforts to ever really do that…  Not to mention I get terrible allergies!

 

When I was young Dad had an accident in his silver Pontiac Grand Prix and he bought a red one for spares.  He then would take me to a farm at the weekend and he’d work on the car and I’d look at the rabbits and braid my hair in the hopes that something I did would give my hair a bit of shape – of course nothing seemed to work until I discovered hair curlers.  I had a phase of sleeping in curlers with hair gel on my hair and then VOILA curls in the morning but the curls always seemed to die away after an hour or two.  Isn’t it funny how people always want what they don’t have. 

 

When I’m not excited, I’m too hot to sleep or just laying there in bed of an evening thinking about work and the mortgage and what I should do with my old diamond ring that was leftover from my relationship with Ramman.  Do I sell it now or wait until the market has picked up?  Or do I just hang onto it and give it to my sister by my Will after I’m gone?  I’m tempted to sell it to be honest.  Trouble is when do I sell it and what do I do with the money?  I really don’t want to sell it only to spend the money on the mortgage (and now that I have a job I won’t necessarily have to) but it seems silly to keep it in the cupboard when I don’t really want it anymore.  I would sell it and just put the money by for a rainy day but the interest rates aren’t very good at the moment and it might be more financially astute to hang onto it until better times. 

 

I’m afraid I’m just rambling this time.  I’ll try and make more sense next time!

 

Foxy 

Endometriosis Awareness – Bloody Hell!

I recently saw a poster for Endometriosis UK entitled “Bloody Hell”.  Finally a phrase that succinctly explains what it’s like to live with Endometriosis!

 

I have lived with the symptoms since I was 12.  I used to vomit from the pain and all the doctors could do was give me painkillers and a pat on the head.

 

Since then I’ve had 3 laparoscopies (two for Endometriosis and one for PCOS) and I’m taking birth control pills – running 3 pill packs together so I don’t have periods too often. 

 

It’s a pathetic solution if you ask me.  Thinking about it, why should I suffer pain that keeps me from working – even if it is only six times a year instead of 12.  Sure, fewer times a year is good but I’ve been on a monthly cycle for so long that I’m afraid it’s going to take my hormones years to get into the new rhythm.  In the meantime, my cycle seems to start normally, I start to get PMT (US translation: PMS) in week 3 and I don’t stop being a real pain in the butt for about 3 weeks.  Then my body seems to have decided that it’s not going to happen again and I start to feel remotely normal.  Then I stop and have a period and the cycle starts all over again!

 

I sometimes wonder if I were bleeding from the eyes, would I get better service from doctors?  If a limb dropped off just outside the doctor’s office, would I get more sympathy and a solution that helps me cope with my condition?  I don’t want to go on and on about the fact that no one can see my pain and perhaps that’s why I lived with the condition for so long before I got surgery and a diagnosis.

 

Now, I realise that life isn’t fair and you have to take what you’re given and make the most of it BUT I will not accept that endometriosis is something that I can simply live with!

 

Foxy

Endometriosis Awareness – Doctors

Bearing in mind that endometriosis is invisible (and by that I mean a doctor isn’t just going to look at you and immediately make a diagnosis – it’s not obvious like your leg falling off!), I have discovered the best way to get what you want out of your doctor’s appointments is to think about what you want to get out of it before you arrive.

 

For example, before I saw my dietitian I made a spreadsheet detailing my symptoms, what I was eating, what I was drinking, when I was eating/drinking during the day, pain levels, the date of my cycle, exercise taken, sleeping patterns, stress levels and my energy levels every day.  When I noted the pain levels I would give it a rating from 1 – 5 but then in my symptoms I would also detail if I’d been sent home, what painkillers I took to help me cope, how long the painkillers worked and if I also needed a hot water bottle.  I kept this up for almost a month before I saw my dietitian and it was a good start for her to see what was good, what was bad and what was triggering some of my symptoms. 

 

It is worth making detailed notes of how the pain makes you feel – be very descriptive.  For instance, during my last marriage, I would roll around on the floor in the night in agony because if I stayed in the bed I would have kept Ramman awake.  I used to take prescription anti-inflammatories, prescription painkillers and the pain would still wake me up in the night!  I have been known to spend whole weekends in bed, in the foetal position, having taken lots of pain medication and keeping a boiling-hot hot water bottle on my lower back.  I’ve even blistered my back in an effort to kill the pain!  When I told my doctor this, I showed her my scars.  Strangely enough she listened more intently after I showed her the scars!

 

The good news for me is that so far my periods haven’t been too bad with my new cycle.  I am still suffering fatigue and my hormones are all over the place.  I am hoping that the longer I’m on my new “longer” cycle, the more comfortable I’ll feel. 

 

It’s the details that help a doctor know exactly what you’re going through.  If all else fails, get a second opinion.  It’s your health, after all.  You don’t deserve to suffer.

 

Foxy

Career and Relationships

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago.  She is a young lawyer – about 25.  She had taken a new job and was about to move to London to be nearer her boyfriend.  But she was depressed.  She was desperate for him to pop the question and she suddenly became even more depressed when I told her that I’ve been married twice.

 

What bothered me wasn’t that she wanted this guy to pop the question – it was the feeling I got that she wanted ANY man to pop the question and that I suspect she just wanted to get to “happily ever after”. 

 

I do believe that some women can be fixated on the wedding day as the be all and end all of life.  Even intelligent career-minded women seem susceptible to a kind of delusion that life will be fulfilled on that magical date.  Love will conquer all.

 

Now, what I’m going to say may shock you BUT the important bit about the wedding day isn’t what you wear or what vows you take but WHO you are going to spend the rest of your life with.  Take it from me, it’s a mistake rushing into a marriage with just anyone. 

 

So, here are some top tips for making sure you’ve got the right one:

 

• Laughter.  Giggling is a necessity rather than a nice to have.
• Respect.  Sometimes that means agreeing to disagree.  You don’t have to support the same football team.  You do have to be able to laugh at the end of a grudge match.
• Communication.  I’m not just talking about the first few months of a relationship when you’re going through your dim and distant past and setting the world to rights.  No.  I actually mean when one of you thinks that you’re about to lose your job and you both need to sit down and discuss finances without pointing fingers.  You need to be able to listen and discuss problems and then work through solutions without judging each other.
• Honesty.  I suppose that this also comes under the heading of communication, but you have to truthfully be able to say when you are hurting or when you are feeling a little delicate so that you can be supported by one another.  Also, you cannot take offence at every little misdemeanour – you are both different and you will accidentally step on one another’s toes from time to time.
• Common goals.  It’s no good marrying someone who, in 5 years time, sees himself the father of 3 in a 7 bedroom house and he works 12 – 16 hour days to put these dreams into place when you would prefer to wait a few years and see the world and not spend every weekend and vacation painting, building, roofing, gardening, paint-stripping, door hanging, kitchen installing and never having any fun.  Obviously if your idea of having fun is painting, building, roofing, gardening, paint-stripping, door hanging and kitchen installing then you’ve got your man!  Needless to say, if you’ve got wanderlust and have found a home-improver, you need to examine your priorities and have serious conversations about where you’re both going and how you both can get what you want out of life…
• Common interests.  You have to be able to enjoy life together.
• Outside interests.  You have to be able to have a little life outside one another otherwise you’ll wind up suffocating each other.
• Sex.  Yes, last but not least you have to tick all the boxes. Get someone that is actually worth having.  In this way I mean someone who is a good listener wants to know what takes you all the way.

 

While a wedding day is all very romantic – it is after all the day when you state to the world that you are committed to spending your future to one another – it is only one day.  Thereafter you have to spend the rest of your lives together.

 

Foxy

Twitter frustration, head-cold and The Confucius Stage

It’s taken a number of weeks and I’ve finally sat down to try to get my head around Twitter.  Perhaps it’s because of my head-cold, but I still can’t understand it.  I am there at least…

 

This week at work was busy but calm.  I now tend to just stay at the office until I get certain things sorted.  Sometimes it’s easier to get someone started on a translation by sending them an email and ringing them on a Friday evening than waiting until Monday morning and praying that a translator will have enough time before my deadline next week!

 

Despite our colds, Helios and I babysat the neighbour’s daughter last night.  She was good as gold.  She’s just over a year old and into everything.  I love the age that she’s at because she tends to say things with lots of emotion (sometimes very seriously like a philosopher) but in no tongue that I can understand.  I call it “The Confucius Stage”.  She regularly gave her stuffed duck some water with her Tommy Tippee cup. 

 

Helios asked me more than once if she was dirty because he could smell her.  I didn’t realise my head was quite so full of cold because I couldn’t smell her at all!  I went ahead and changed her – sure enough, she needed it!  We then watched Looney Toons I gave her a bottle and we had a cuddle before she went to bed.  I thought she would go to sleep on me but didn’t drift off until Helios took her and patted her bottom.

 

It was when I was changing her that I realised just how much things have changed since I last changed nappies.  These fasten with Velcro!  She has a special bin for the dirty nappies that I just couldn’t work out how to open.  I asked the baby but she just looked at me…  In the end I had to ask Helios to figure out.  Luckily he’s slightly more mechanically minded than I am and I think we disposed of the dirty properly.

 

Just before the proud parents returned home, the baby had a little night terror and started crying but I patted her bottom until she settled again.

 

Luckily the rest of the weekend we have nothing planned.  I’ve already had an afternoon nap today and plan to get lots more rest tomorrow.

 

Foxy

National Health Service

I’ve had a cold for roughly two weeks now.  I’m, once again, looking forward to a quiet weekend and hoping that rest will help me kick this thing once and for all. 

 

I’m still walking into work but getting Helios to come and collect me every evening – partly due to the rains and partly due to the fact that I’m coughing up my lungs by the time 5:30 comes around.  I am so tired!

 

I’ve had to make another appointment with the GP to get more Prozac.  Even though I’m tired and grouchy at the moment, at least my heart doesn’t feel like it’s wrapped in a cloud. 

 

I’ve had PMT for several weeks now.  I never thought I would be looking forward to a period but I am at the moment.  I’m bloated, grouchy, hot, tired and my back has been aching off and on.

 

Now I’m going to say something about the National Health Service.  I grew up in the US where the worry wasn’t just that someday you might get ill – but also that you’d have to find a way to pay for it! 

 

I don’t like to talk about the NHS in England because I know so many women in my position do not have access to free care.  When I need to go to the GP, I go.  I walk in, see the doctor and then walk back out again without stopping to pay a bill or confirm insurance details.  When I needed to use my private medical insurance (usually obtained through work), I went to the GP, got a referral to a specialist, phoned my insurance company to get authorisation, went to the specialist (and confirmed my insurance details), and then left again without paying a bill.  I sometimes get letters in the post through from my insurance company where they confirm they have paid a bill.  That’s it.

 

As far as prescriptions go, I normally pay a nominal amount per prescription.  There was a time when I was taking so much medication that I got a pre-pay prescription certificate.  This certificate allowed me to pay a one-off lump sum that covered all my prescriptions for the year.  Believe me when I say that I made it worth my while!

 

Of course, I pay taxes to fund this.  10% of my salary goes toward this vital service. There are some services I honestly don’t mind paying – Police, Schools and National Health are at the top of that list! 

 

So there you have it.  I have health worries without the worry of how to pay for treatment.  Now, I could moan the way the English do and say how bad standards are, or how dirty the hospitals are or how the government is closing hospitals due to funding shortages, BUT it’s here.  The structure is in place and we can do something about improving it. 

 

The fact is that one of the richest countries in the world, I never could work out why you don’t have an NHS.  I vaguely remember Bill Clinton promising this and he put his wife in charge of the task force but then it disappeared.  I don’t even remember hearing excuses as to where it went to or why.  Now, I know Republicans are all for business and BIG business at that, but do Republicans have any health worries?  Do they have a hard time finding the money to pay health insurance?  Or do they walk in front of a bus when their money runs out?  (Sorry, that was a cheap shot, I know.)

 

I can’t help but wonder these things because I’ve got Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovaries and Insulin Resistance.  I don’t have a “high profile” disease that will kill me.  I have a syndrome and a disease that have occasionally made me wish for death because the pain was so bad.  How do people in the US cope?  How do you cope?  While I agree that we need to raise the profile of Endometriosis, isn’t your first priority getting the money sorted?  Hey, we don’t have a cure but at least the surgeries won’t cost an arm and a leg anymore!!

 

Walking to work and other odd ramblings…

One of the good things about walking to work is that I get to slowly wake up en-route.  At the moment I’m really enjoying the blossoms – daffodils, tulips, flowering shrubs and trees.  You would have thought that this would make me skip down the hill in the mornings but at the moment I’m so hot and have had a cold for so long that I am really not happy dragging myself into the office.  Of course, I feel obligated to drag myself into the office even though I’m not 100% because I’m not really bad enough to stay at home – and it’s a new job so I’m still trying to impress…

 

In an effort to feel better, I’ve started taking Echinacea and extra Vitamin C.  I’m sucking on throat sweets, drinking lots of herbal teas and going to sleep early every night. 

 

I get so hot in the night that I kick off most of the covers and they land on Helios.  He had to remake the bed last night because the covers were in a state with all my kicking.  Just a note here, there are certain tasks that Helios always does: the ironing (because he’s ex-RAF and much much better at it than I am), drying the dishes (because I’m better at washing than drying), and making the bed (because it’s far far easier for him to do and, being ex-RAF, you can bounce a coin off the covers when he’s done). 

 

Now, part of my problem is that I finally decided to have a period because the PMT was unbearable.  I was hot with PMT.  Now I’m hot with DMT (D stands for During) and I still have this gastly cold that leaves me wondering if I’m feverish or if it’s just DMT.  I will be so happy when I am finally onto this cycle and my body expects it!  I suppose I shouldn’t complain – at least I’m not doubled-over in pain this time!

 

The good thing about this cold is that my voice has gone quite deep.  I am notorious at work for “chatting up” translators to get what I want but now I don’t have to make as much effort! 

 

The weather here recently has been just glorious.  I truly believe that there’s nothing as beautiful as England in the summer when the weather is sunny. 

 

I’m lucky that I’ve been surfing in England in the dim and distant past.  There’s something slightly surreal about driving down to Cornwall in a convertible with The Beach Boys playing on the radio…  Surf in England isn’t like the surf you get elsewhere.  The English like to make the best of things and the surf in Cornwall is not terribly high…  I think we get about a foot of surf – maximum.  It’s great for me because I think I would be intimidated by large waves.  Originally I’m from a land-locked region of the US.  The most amount of water I regularly saw was in the toilet.  I’ve been told that some people, alcohol-enhanced, would occasionally toilet-surf but I’ve never partaken in such events!

 

However, I did once go to a Halloween Party dressed all in white with white flowers in my hair and a sign on my back that said “Kiss me I’m a Virgin!”  That was my costume.  I digress, and that was a very long time ago – I was still at university back then!

 

Surfing is strangely relaxing.  There’s a rhythm to waiting for the right wave and a lovely satisfaction when you catch one.   I have a tendency to giggle all the way to the beach!  I also like it because I truly believe a wet-suit looks great on anyone.  With all black and brightly coloured piping in all the right places just looks fantastic!  I’d love to see Helios in one!   Va Va Voom!

 

Sgt. Pepper

It was 20 years ago…

 

Mom kindly made me feel absolutely ancient the other day when she sent me an email reminder for my 20th Class Reunion.

 

I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that I’m 20 years older and the best years of my health are behind me or realising just how much potential I used to have and how I’ve squandered it over the years…

 

But let’s not focus on the negative.  I also have been wondering about the people I used to know back then – boyfriend, friends and family.  I think about what I used to do and what I used to want from life: priorities and goals.  I sometimes wonder if anyone from my class would be interested to hear from me (Am I conceited in thinking this?)  There are only a select few that I really want to know about.

 

Love

Back then I was madly in love with my first fiancée.  His saving grace was that he was good in bed.  Perhaps that’s why I stayed with him for as long as I did?  I adored him and let him run my life.  In the end I left him before we got married, not because I’d met someone else but because he wanted me to be just like him.  In the end I hated that.  Of course now it seems so long ago that I wonder if it all happened to someone else – or maybe I read it in a book?  No it was me.  I know I learned a lot from the relationship so I can’t complain how things turned out.  It was hard at the time – but then what isn’t hard?

 

Potential

20 years ago I was finishing off high school and looking forward to a successful college career.  I wanted to become a teacher and I was focused on that.  I even volunteered at a local school in my spare time. 

 

Now I feel as though all my potential is gone.  I am unable to have a fruitful career due to my continuing health issues, I can’t change career because it’s too expensive – I won’t be able to afford my mortgage.  I couldn’t have children (financially as well as physically) even if I wanted them.  All my original plans have been torn apart and thrown in the bin.  For a number of years I regretted not becoming a teacher but these days I find I don’t have the patience or energy that I used to.  I don’t think I could cope with it now.  I expect it would be too difficult for me – considering how tired I am all the time. 

 

So, ultimately I’m happy with the way things have turned out.  I’m in a great relationship in a lovely flat in a great location.  I feel lucky.  I take great delight in counting my blessings.  I suppose that’s the bit of my personality that hasn’t changed over the past 20 years – I enjoy looking on the bright side of life.

 

Foxy

Project work

 

I finally had my period and managed to go to work at the same time.  This is only the second one since my laparoscopy in November.  I’ve been running pill packs together and praying that the pain isn’t too bad.

 

Well, I’ve managed it.  The first couple of days were a little tricky but I can’t complain.  It had been so long since I had had a period that I didn’t have any necessities in the house!  I bought a package of pads first thing Monday morning and carried it around with me all week.  At least my period didn’t leave me feeling dizzy, light-headed and drowsy. 

 

I woke up last Thursday with severe stomach cramps.  I had serious diarrhoea and then fell asleep at 11:00 in the morning.  As I was drifting off I thought “I’ll have an hour or two and then do a little light housework.”  Well, I woke up at 4!  I was surprised but so drowsy that I didn’t bother with the light housework – instead I threw some chicken breasts in the oven and waited for Helios to get home.  Strangely enough I went to bed slightly early that evening and I slept through the night.  I must have needed the rest!

 

I went to work on Friday though.  I thought that it would be a relatively easy day.  Boy was I wrong!  I arrived at work at roughly 8:30 and I didn’t leave the office until 7.

 

This week has already been completely bonkers.  We had a 90,000 word translation to do in less than five days.  We had to split it up between over 20 translators in order to get the job done on time!  You cannot imagine what it’s been like to try and keep everything in mind and everything up to date!  On top of this, I’ve had my hands full with the rest of my job – smaller projects that still need to be put through the process.  Its one MANIC week already!

 

I really need to be on top of my work.  I coordinate translation projects and I am expected to know where every scrap of work is at any given time.  I have to be on my toes, fill in all the plans/procedures and, as much as I like it (I’m very good at organisation and every project that is completed makes me feel successful.  I like feeling successful!) I do find it tiring sometimes. 

 

So now you know why I was terrified of getting my period – me being slightly off can cause confusion.  Confusion is the worst thing when

everyone expects me to be organised and quick with the answers! 

 

Foxy

Happy Easter!

To everyone -

Happy Easter

Foxy

Virus

I was at home again today.  My stomach was playing up again this morning – vomiting and diarrhoea.  YUK!

 

I dragged myself to the doctor just to ensure I’m doing all I can to feel better.  The doc seemed to think I’ve got a virus.  She looked at my throat, my ears, took my temperature and felt my stomach.  She doesn’t want me back to work until after the Easter holiday. I’m so tired.  The past couple of weeks I’ve been fighting off a cold and feeling worse and worse instead of better.  I haven’t been sleeping at night.  I get hot and kick off the covers.  I must just be really run down. 

 

I can’t help but worry about work.  It’s only typical that I finally get my endometriosis symptoms under control and then I get broadsided by a virus.  OK, I’ve only had a total of 3 days off work (counting tomorrow) but I don’t ever want to be out of work again!

 

I’m trying to remain positive but I am having a hard time of it just now…

 

Foxy

Happy Pills, Employment and Nerves

I’ve been taking Prozac since December.  I think I needed it for some time (even before my divorce!) but kept resisting because of the stigma attached…

 

Well, it helps but since I’ve been having problems at work nothing has helped.  I had two days off last week (just before the long Easter weekend which is a national holiday in England) because I had diarrhoea and was vomiting last week.  I dragged myself into the doctor’s office and she diagnosed a virus and told me to go home and get some rest.

 

I told my boss about what the doctor said and she said that she had the right, especially in the current economic climate, to rely on her staff and that my probation period should end.  I have begged for a second chance and am due to speak to her again on Tuesday.  I really don’t want to talk to her at all for a number of reasons.  Just thinking about it sends my stomach going base over apex! 

 

Now, I’ve not told you the whole truth about this job of mine.  The fact of the matter is that after a number of loud verbal dressing-downs for what I would consider a minor infraction (such as not completing my email filing or not doing something quickly enough or once I was shouted at because someone else had renamed a file and no one admitted to it – so she shot the messenger) I’ve suffered from nerves.  Bearing in mind that I started the job in February, either I’m not doing well or she has a terrible temper.  The sad fact is that I’m not the only one that she shouts at regularly so I thought she just had a temper.  If I had been a bit more my old confident self, it wouldn’t bother me as much as it does.  As we all know, suffering from nerves is not a good thing if you’re sat next to a bully.  I can’t get away from her.

 

Needless to say, I’ve lost weight; I’m not sleeping; I’m near tears an awful lot, I’m constantly thinking about work and I’ve started looking for another job. 

 

That wouldn’t be the worst thing but when I was looking I found my job advertised.  Now, I know it might sound a bit rich coming from a woman who is looking for another job but I was terribly shocked to see the ad for my own job when my boss agreed to hear me out.  Helios sensibly said that she’s probably just testing the market and that I shouldn’t read anything into it. 

 

I need to try and get some rest this long weekend and prepare for a two-pronged front.  On the one side I need to prepare and try to convince this witch that I am the one she wants while looking for another job and try to conceal any interviews I may have…  Not going to be easy.  Wish me luck!  I need it.

 

Foxy

Looking for Work

Well I tried.

 

I discussed my job with my boss but with every point I raised, she countered with something else that I’d done wrong.  There came a point where I thought “I’m not going to win here.” So I said “It sounds like you’ve made your mind up.  What do you think is the best way forward?” 

 

I’ve got garden leave for the rest of this week and then I’m on my own, again. 

 

I gave her the keys to the building and she gave me my belongings and I left.  I did mention to her before I left that I do have contacts in the documentation industry and I still want to give her access to these contacts.  We will organise something in the near future. 

 

I didn’t want to leave on a bad note.  I would like a decent recommendation after all!

 

I’ve applied for a number of jobs already.  I managed to get some advice about finding a job from a couple of friends at the weekend – including Ramman.  I’m trying to feel positive.  I’ve started giving the flat a good clean and I’ve been ringing the agencies and checking websites for positions.  I have noticed that the market seems to have picked up slightly since I last looked for work.  I’m hoping that means I will find something soon!

 

There is more good news – I temped for a week back in January and the company may want me for some more time later on this month.  I’ve love to go back.  I’ve also been told that they really liked me so I’m hoping that someone there will give me a good reference too!

 

Foxy

Job Hunt

The job market isn’t as bad as the media have been making out recently.  There are a number of opportunities on every website I’ve visited.

 

In the meantime, I’m spending my days online and looking for more work.  I’m using all my contacts to ensure I don’t miss anything and I’m sincerely hoping that I’ll start interviewing soon.  Normally I interview well, I spend a lot of time researching the company and coming up with cunning questions.

 

These include:

 

What is the atmosphere like?

Do you have a specific dress code?

How many people are you seeing for this position?

When are you looking to make a decision?

How do you think I will fit into the team?

How did this role become available?

 

 

I’m also thinking about what questions that I might be asked:

 

What I have done, know how to do and can do.
I need to remember all the skills, abilities and talents I possess that will make me an excellent employee.

Why I feel I can do the job?
What makes me qualified for the job?
What I have to offer the company or organization?
Why I want to work for the employer in question?

 

I need to know how the position relates to my talents and goals, such as specialty area and opportunities for advancement.

I also need to be prepared with answers to why you want to work at a particular organization, and what makes me the best candidate for this position. Understanding the company, their mission and their environment will help answer with these questions.

 

But I’m getting ahead of myself – ever so slightly!  I’ve applied for 12 positions in total.  Now, some of them have gone to interview pretty much as I was sending through my CV, but I’m still forward for a number of jobs.  At the moment no one job sounds better than another – I’m just keen to get back out there and working! 

 

At least I’m managing to stay positive, eh?  I’m not sure if I’m positive because I’m still on my “happy pills” or if it’s because I’m just happy to be away from that bully.  Either way, I feel stronger and happier.  That can only be a good attitude when looking for work.

 

Keep your fingers crossed!

 

Foxy

Signing on

I’m in two minds about what happened today.

 

Yes, I’m happy that I’ve got something else done.  Yes, I’m happy that I’ll get a little help – which means that I won’t be going through my savings as quickly as before.  It wasn’t a humiliating process. 

 

Having said that, I found it also to be difficult to admit defeat and ask for help.  Asking for help isn’t the sort of thing I do easily and now I feel deflated. 

 

Luckily I have other things to concentrate on…  For example, life with Helios just goes from strength to strength.  I was reminded of this when I ran into a friend of mine that I’ve not seen in a number of years.  She asked me how married life was treating me and I always smile when I think of him.  Yes.  Life at home is just great.  Sure I have other frustrations but it’s easier to focus on the positive when I’ve got such a happy home life.

 

We’re coming to the end of the English Football (Soccer to you Americans) season and his favourite team is doing well this year.  He and I are going to listen to another game tonight.  I know a lot of women don’t really care for sports but I grew up in a US University town – and I watched a lot of sports.  I grew to love American Football and Basketball.  I never much cared for professional sports but would go out of my way to watch the local university games on the TV. 

 

For years I used to say that I wanted to support an English Football team but Ramman never watched sports so I supported the national team.  When my mom and sister came to visit in 1996 we watched a couple of games in the Euro 96 tournament.  I really enjoyed it.  Now I feel like I’m my old self again, following a team and hoping for a good result…

 

But I digress.  I’ll try not to feel a failure for asking for help and concentrate on the positive.

 

Foxy

What women really really want

I happened to see an advertisement for an article: 10 years after The Spice Girls we discuss what women really really want.

 

Is it career?  Marriage? Friends? Family? Love? Money? Sex?

 

Do men really have such a problem working out what we want?

 

Surely what men want differs from man to man, and from time to time.  Of course there aren’t articles about what men want – and I’m presuming that men want a relationship – unless you take the time to read the odd men’s magazine. 

 

There are a number of websites about catching and keeping a man and keeping him happy and preventing any “wandering eyes” but I would have had to log-in and give my details…  I didn’t fancy that.

 

Titillation seems to be a good method of attracting a man.  Or at least that seems to be the case if you look at any men’s magazine filled with scantily clad well-endowed women.  But is titillation really what a man wants from a relationship? 

 

Finally I found an article that initially I thought was going to be totally wrong – anyone who quotes Freud I tend to give a wide berth – but the article by Micah Stipech, College, Sex and Love: What Men Want was stunning and insightful.  My only comment was that perhaps his diagram shouldn’t be a pyramid but a Venn diagram – since he admits that there is a lot of overlap between the motives of men in each category.  I think that even he would admit that some men are happy to live in the lower sections of his pyramid and not question the need for growing into a meaningful relationship. 

 

And, it might be worth questioning if Stipech’s pyramid corresponds with women’s desires from a relationship.  Perhaps some women are “bad” and behave as if they’re in a Bond film and smoking and drinking and living life as if they’re in Sex in the City.  Or some women need security and a man who behaves like a superman and who is a little possessive because it makes them feel safe and loved.   Finally, some women want a meaningful relationship with someone who they are in love with and a future together.  Do women move through the levels of the pyramid because they are trying to attract a man or do women simply attract the corresponding men within their section of the pyramid without knowing how to attract a “better” man?

 

So my question is this: how do women recognise the men who correspond with their point in the pyramid?  Or perhaps a better question is: how to women recognise the men that they would prefer to be with in the pyramid?

 

I suspect that, once women know the different categories of Man, it will help us all recognise what we want from a relationship.  Of course once we get a man, we have to know what he’s talking about in order to have a meaningful relationship.

 

I had read a lot about how men communicate but beyond how they communicate, I never contemplated what men actually want.  I presumed that they, like me, would try to talk to me about what they needed and wanted from a relationship.  The biggest difference to how men and women communicate is, in my experience: men generally are problem-solvers and they see communicating as a means to an end instead of seeing communication as an end unto itself.  For example, if I moan to a female friend about the state of the world she listens and sympathises.  If I moan to a man about the state of the world he will wonder what I mean for him to do about it.  This simple misunderstanding leaves men thinking that women nag and leaves women thinking that men don’t listen. 

 

I started this article by asking men why they have such problems working out what women want. 

 

Why don’t they just ask?  I suspect that most of us want a meaningful relationship but aren’t always sure how to get that.  My last piece of advice is this: be the woman that a man wants a meaningful relationship with and you will find the right man.

 

Foxy

St George’s Day

To all my English friends – Happy St George’s Day! 

St George is the patron saint of England.

Foxy

I’ve been tagged!

I regularly read Emmy’s Thoughts and she’s tagged me.  She has posted the 6th photo from her 6th folder.  I’m adding one from my recent outing with Helios at Birdworld when he was a Keeper for a Day.  Now that I have finally figured out how to post photos, you’ll see more!

Birdworld - Keeper for a Day

Foxy

Virginity, Relationships and Marriage

My mom sent me the below link:

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30353377//

 

I think that the question it raises is valid: why shouldn’t sex be seen as a natural and healthy part of a loving relationship?  Sure, you can save yourself for marriage, but that doesn’t mean that you will have a loving and long-lasting marriage!  It sounds to me like women are being sold a line – sex will save your marriage.  Think about it.  Logically women are being told that if you save yourself for marriage, then you will have a happy, long-lasting relationship.  If all depends on saving yourself for this life-long commitment and then all will be sweetness and light as soon as you say “I do”.  But, if it’s not then the way to keep a commitment going is to continue having sex because that’s the promise you made, to yourself, to God and to your husband!

 

Trouble is, after “I do” life goes on, it doesn’t end with happily ever after.  The relationship, if you’re extremely lucky, is a loving, honest and happy one from the start and sex only deepens the feelings you have for one another.  If you’re unlucky, you end up in a relationship you don’t feel comfortable in and you resent the obligation of sex. 

 

Sex is a natural bodily process that strengthens a good relationship.  I believe sex can be representative of how well a relationship can work: you have to be honest but tactful in your communication, feeling free to say “yes” or “no” or “That’s good” or “I prefer that”.  You have to have respect for the other person and listen to what’s being said.  Finally, you have to be able to laugh during The Act.  Sex, like life in general, is far too important to be taken seriously.

 

Children are not being told how best to respect their other halves.  Children are not being told what to look out for in a good relationship – i.e. honesty, respectful communication, laughter, friendship – they are only being told to save themselves for their marriage.  This can build up an unrealistic view of what sex can do for a relationship.  In reality, sex can make a good relationship even better.  Conversely, it can make an OK relationship quite dire indeed.

 

Finally, I will say that Ramman rarely used the word “sex”.  He simply called it the “gastly business”.  Sex is NOT icky, disgusting, or demeaning.  I think his attitude was influenced by people who have unnatural and unhealthy attitudes toward sex.

 

Foxy

BEWARE!

The Endometriosis Foundation of America (EFA) claims to have found a cure for Endometriosis.

 

Ms Padma Lakshmi is a co-founder of the EFA.  She claims to have been cured by her co-founder Dr. Tamer Seckin.

 

While Dr. Seckin has “cured” Padma Lakshmi, the EFA website claims to still be searching for a permanent cure.  They are raising money for research for a problem that they claim to have cured.

 

Please remember that there are a lot of people out there who are after your hard-earned money and not all of them are honest! 

 

Foxy

38

 

It was my birthday recently.  I was woken up with a bottle of champagne, a “mixed tape” CD and some nookie for the occasion!  Needless to say I enjoyed being woken up yesterday!  (Sorry to gross you out Mom!)

 

The “mixed tape” CD was full of songs that remind Helios of me and every song put a smile on my face.  I just love how thoughtful he is.  That CD meant more to me than anything he could have just wandered out and bought.  

 

My ex happened to ring at 10 and I met him for a herbal tea in the local coffee shop.  He claimed he had a card for me but promptly forgot it on the way down to town to meet me.  Still, at least he bought the drinks so I can’t complain!  He is doing very well.  He’s on the board of directors of a FTSE 100 company here and regularly travels between the US and UK.  He sounds like he loves the job, and I’m happy for him.  It was nice to see him mainly so I could get some gossip (about his family) and any advice he has for me about getting a new job.  He has a sound business head so I always take his business advice seriously… 

 

Ramman did say something that made me think: I’m very good with immediate stresses but not so good with longer-ongoing stress.  He’s just the opposite.  I think he actually enjoys a slow burn of stress that keeps him from finishing anything whereas I start to go to pieces.  However, he throws his toys out of the pram at the slightest bump in the road and I tend to deal with slight hiccups with a smile.  This information is vital – I think – when considering a new job. 

 

Later on I popped to the Unemployment Office.  I missed my Monday appointment (because I was temping) and had to go to ensure I get paid benefits on time.  My next appointment is two weeks away.  I’m hoping I find a job (at the very least temping!) before then.

 

Finally that evening Helios and I had curry for dinner and a cuddle on the couch.  It’s wonderful to be in love!

 

My perfect birthday is like any other perfect day for me – spending time with people I love (or just respect in the case of the ex! LOL).  You can class this as a great birthday!  I have received cards from close friends, contacted my family and I spent time with Helios.  It is great to feel loved.  Again, if I compare my past to my present, I am delighted with the change in my life over the past few years. 

 

This weekend is a Bank Holiday weekend in England and Helios and I have a date with the neighbours in the garden with some wine.  So that will be another great day.  Let’s hope the weather is good!

 

I can’t help but think of my family around my birthday.  You know, when Mom was my age she had a teenager and a toddler in the house.  I am shocked at how tired I feel (presumably thanks to the Endometriosis?) and I cannot believe that she managed to not smack my head in when I was being a petulant brat.  I don’t have nearly the responsibilities she did and I’m amazed at how well my sister and I turned out. 

 

Foxy

Fish Bowl

Helios complained last night that I hadn’t blogged recently. I must apologise to him and you that I’ve been a little quiet. I’m afraid that I’ve been a bit down being out of work. I really don’t like sitting on my own all day. At the same time, there is a small part of me that has enjoyed the time away from my bully. My nightmares about my ex-office have eased. Oh, that doesn’t mean that I don’t spend half my nights reliving conversations and wishing I had said this or that.

So, I’ve managed to get a little temping work. I’ve been working at the local Community Mental Health Service at the hospital as a receptionist. I sit behind two locked doors and there are some people I’m not allowed to let into the building because they’re usually aggressive. Despite this, I really enjoy working there. All the employees are lovely. I get to smile and be cheeky and laugh. Oh sure, there is a little stress involved, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s so much easier to work somewhere where the people are nice. The great thing about working there is that I have also started gaining confidence again.

I’ve also managed an interview with an IT company earlier today. The company looks interesting and the role sounds OK but it’s about half an hour’s drive away. I suppose the past few years have been a little too comfortable for me in that I have only been 5 minutes from home… The role is to support a team and reporting to a bloke who seems very nice. I prefer working for men – I find the women I’ve worked for to be mostly bullies and difficult to please.

I’ve got my fingers crossed that I get offered a second interview – I figure if I at least get a job, it will be easier for me to find something else if I don’t like it…

I’m trying to remain strong.

Foxy

Laughter is the best medicine…

Helios and I went out to a silent film festival at the weekend.  I just love Charlie Chaplin and I saw a short film of his that I’d not seen before.  I’d never seen Buster Keaton before and I got to see “Seven Chances” which was very funny indeed! 

 

I needed the laugh.  I had two interviews last week but no offers so far.  I’m starting to lose hope for those simply because if they really wanted me, I’m sure I would have heard from them by now.  The first one isn’t a great loss – it was 30 minutes drive away.  The second I quite fancied.  It was a small branch of a larger company so I’d have got the financial benefits of working for a large company with the benefits of working for a small organisation – including flexible hours and independent working. 

 

I think the worst thing about these interviews is that I keep going over what I said and I keep amending it – wishing I’d said this or that.  I keep thinking “Why didn’t I act like this instead of that?”  It’s very hard to know what an employer is really after and tailor your answers accordingly.  But I have to remain philosophical – it wasn’t meant to be.

 

I heard from my agencies.  I didn’t get either job.  The search continues.  I have another interview organised for the week after next so I’m hoping that will be a little more successful. 

 

In the meantime I’m struggling to stay positive.  Some days are easier than others.  I can’t help but wonder if I need a little more prozac?  I’m so tired of feeling unhappy.

 

So, I needed the laugh.

 

Helios and I are going to see his folks this weekend.  I’m looking forward to it for a number of reasons – mainly because I can do with the change of scenery.  His folks are just great.  They always say how happy they are that Helios has found someone he’s so happy with.  They always make me feel welcome. 

 

Foxy

Delusions of Grandeur

I have a follicle on my back with delusions of grandeur.  It thinks it’s on my head.  I find it when it’s produced a hair about 2 to 3 inches long and WHITE!  WHITE!! 

Of course, I don’t know what disappoints me more – the fact that I’m producing this thing at all or the fact that it’s white 

I was telling J at Autoimmune Life (see my links) about this and I had her in stitches.  I told her that I was afraid of pulling it out because I might unravel like a skein of yarn!  I suppose I’ve just got an overactive imagination.  OK.  I know I won’t unravel.  But I don’t fancy giving it a yank either!  So when I was telling J about my white hair she mentioned that she gets the odd hair as well but it’s black.  Black.  It hardly seems fair that we ladies get these things… 

I thought that it might be my PCOS that makes me produce hair in strange and unexpected places – it’s all hormones anyway! 

All this chat about grey hair reminded me of when I first noticed I was going grey.  I stupidly thought that perhaps it was an extra light blond.  I was corrected when I was visiting my mother.  I was sitting on the floor (I’m built quite close to the ground so I never had a problem with sitting on the floor!) and Mom was in the rocking chair when she stopped – as if hit by lightening!  She started looking through my hair and then laughed so hard I thought she was going to fall off the chair!  She shouted “You’ve got grey hair!!”  How bonkers is that.  Like gee, thanks Mom.

I think most women remember when they first realise they’re going grey.  I suppose I was lucky that I started going grey at such an early age.  It gave me more than enough time to get used to the idea…  These days I think: oh dear.  There’s more.  And more.  And I’ve got grey in my eyebrows too. 

Mom told me that I resemble my father in that respect – I have his hair colouring and he went “prematurely grey” years ago.  These days I ask Helios to colour my hair for me.  He’s very good.  If he didn’t colour my hair I’d have to try and do it myself (which can get messy) or I’d have to pay someone else to do it. 

In preparation of my weekend with the in-laws I’ve been baking cookies today.  I like to spoil them.  I try and treat them as I would my own family.  Helios’ father has a sweet tooth as large as his son’s.  The family joke is that he would eat poop if it had chocolate sprinkles on…  I hope my cooking is better than that!! 

I’m feeling brighter today – and part of that is due to my discussions with J.  Thanks very much!

Foxy

Award

J at Autoimmune Life has given me an award on her blog site.  I’m really touched.  Thanks ever so much!

I’m so grateful that you thought of me when you received this award.  It means so much that we can give one another the recognition that we deserve.

Since I can’t give it back to you I’ll forward this award to:

Emmy’s Thoughts – http://emmynjoe.blogspot.com/ She’s been brave enough to share her experiences with infertility – and it’s nice to read a success story!

Stephanie Butler’s website - http://stephaniejbutler.com/  Like me, she is strugling with chronic illness and she has a wonderful positive attitude.  I find her writing inspiring!

Once you’ve received your award, the rules for passing it on are:

-Add logo to your blog
-Link the person/blog from whom you received this award from
-Leave them a message on their blog, letting them know they have One Lovely Blog!

Lots of love, Foxy

Still here – just!

I have had a couple of interviews but no luck so far.  I’m still feeling down about my luck but am keeping my stiff upper lip!  It’s hard to carry on searching the websites when you are starting to wonder about your luck!  However, I’m doing my best – I have no other choice.  I have to carry on.

 Helios and I went to visit some old friends of his Friday night.  I got to hear some fantastic stories – including the time when the Three Muskateers (Helios and two others he is still in touch with) bought a bottle of champagne for Helios’ birthday.  They gave it a shake on the way to the park and jumped up and down with it until they popped the cork and it shot into the air!  “WA-Hey!”  They sprayed each other and when they finally went to drink it – it was gone!  They had sprayed it all over just a bit too much!

 The funny thing about visiting these people was how clearly excited they were – Helios was slapped on the back more than once and everyone was introduced to one another.  I must admit that even I was a little nervous about meeting them – perhaps I am too interested in what people think of me?  I know I am keen that Helios’ friends and family like me.  Luckily they do!

 Saturday we spent with Helios’ parents.  I think I’ve said how much I just adore his parents before…  It’s so nice to feel welcome into a family!  That evening he and I went to see the new Star Trek film together.  I’m just enough of a nerd to say that I absolutely loved it – great story, good cast.  My only complaint is that the photography is just a little too white and shiny for my taste but it wasn’t too much of a distraction. I talked to Mom as well on Sunday.  She’s doing ok but her brother has cancer and the prognosis – after a spell of remission – isn’t good.  I grew up knowing that we could count on him to help with things that Mom just couldn’t do – from snow shovelling to cleaning out mouse traps to fixing the garage door opener.  He usually did these things with a grin and refusing payment of any sort.  It was from their relationship that I knew what sibling love should be like – and how I want to treat my own baby sister… Mom is really upset about his health and I wish there was something I could do – but I know I would feel just as helpless over there as I do 4000 miles away… 

I have another interview tomorrow.  I’m trying not to get too excited about it because I don’t want to get my hopes dashed again but the subject is very interesting to me.  I’m trying not to say too much because I don’t want to jinx it!  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

I have received an honour from J at Autoimmune and I’ll pass on the Award soon. 

 

Keep the home fires burning.

 

Foxy

Another interview

I’ve come back from my recent interview.  I’m excited about the job and the company.  Oh PLEASE let me get the job! I won’t give you any more details until I know more.

 The interview was a little tense – I sat down across a table from 3 men who asked me some pretty intense questions.  I answered them to the best of my ability.  They’re only seeing 4 people and they’re planning to make the decision before the end of the week.  I’ve got everything crossed!  I can’t help but wonder if I made a good impression.  Should I have said this?  Why didn’t I remember to mention that?  Did I go over this or that too much?  What I was trying to say was that I was sure I could do the job, I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to easily fit into the team.  I know there’s nothing I can do about it now but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to rake myself over the coals for it!

 Foxy

Interviews and other news

I’ve had a number of interviews recently – even one second interview – but no success! 

 I really fancied the most recent one too.  It was for a shipping company in just the best part of town.  I wouldn’t have been able to walk but travel wasn’t a big issue.  The people seemed very nice and they were confident that I could do the job.  The position was for an Office Manager and I felt I could do it with no problems.  They went with the other person because she had experience in the shipping industry.  (!) 

 I am, once again, sitting on the couch watching films that I’ve seen a hundred times…  To say that I’m down is an understatement.  But, I’m a fighter.  I finally went back to the doctor a couple of days ago for a refill of my Prozac prescription and he’s given me something else to help me sleep that works well with Prozac.  Thank God!  I have been having so much trouble falling asleep.  It has worked reasonably well but last night was difficult again.  I kept thinking about that witch where I used to work.  I also wondered what else I have to do to get a job…

 Yes, I have been moping around the flat.  But no more!

 On a brighter note, now that I went to the doctor I now seem to have more energy.  I’ve actually cleaned the flat for the first time in ages.  I have made lentil lasagne and chilli con veggie – so I’ve been enjoying my time in the kitchen.  I’m still managing to eat – which is a good sign.  I’ve even spent an hour ironing today!  I told the doctor that perhaps my sleeplessness may be due to my PCOS but it’s hard to tell since I’m so anxious all the time. 

 All the plans I had for possibly writing as well as working have gone by the wayside.  I just haven’t had the energy over the past few weeks.  I make myself feel guilty because I’m not doing enough.  As always Helios is very supportive.  He says that something good will come along soon.  Of course, now that I’m finally sleeping, I have a bit more energy and a bit more – well I’m not sure what the word is but I have a bit more – is it confidence?

 I am extremely lucky though.  I keep counting my blessings: I have a great flat in a wonderful country.  I live with the love of my life.  I still have enough money in my savings account and am making a little money here and there by temping.  At least I’m getting interviews!  I’m not entirely unemployable. 

 In other news, I’ve had another period.  The first couple of days were hard but I managed to cope with just some paracetamol (acetaminophen for you Americans) which is still quite unusual for me.  I can’t say that I’m enjoying the experience but it’s not agony and for that I’m grateful!  OK I know that the symptoms will get bad again soon enough but for the moment I’m waiting for my body to get accustomed to the new cycle. 

 Speaking of Endometriosis and a job hunt: I can’t help but wonder if I’m better off just temping – I feel a lot more relaxed and not as tired but I can’t help second guessing if I’m good enough and if I should mention my endometriosis at interview.  So far I’ve not been mentioning it at all – especially since I’m only due six periods a year instead of 12 – but the whole issue has affected my self-confidence.  I can’t help it.

 I suppose its little surprise that my confidence has taken a bit of a knock.  I do hope that the job I go to will help that!

 Foxy

Retail Therapy

I’ll tell you about the weekend last so that my mother doesn’t have to read my XXX portion of this blog entry! 

We have noticed a new bird in the garden over the past few weeks.  It’s a chaffinch and it sounds like this:  “ha ha ha ha ha ha TWEET!”  I told Helios that it sounded like we were squeezing the poor thing at the end of its call and now when we hear it we pretend like we’re giving it a little squeeze!

In other news, the good thing about my pills is that I’m finally sleeping well.  While I’m still dreaming like mad, I finally feel a bit more refreshed in the mornings.  My dreams still consist of images and feelings of not quite measuring up.  I don’t know where this comes from but I know it’s a difficulty that I’ve always had, as well as my mental hindrance to getting a job at the moment.  I’ve always felt like I wasn’t quite good enough…  As I say, I’m not sure where it stems from but I’m ready for it to end.  More on that in future blog entries…

I saw a couple of friends at the weekend.  We went down to Portsmouth to the outlet mall.  I meant to only window shop but I bought a cheap coin purse, some lotion and some fudge for my husband.  I managed to avoid buying a new pair of shoes (which is quite an achievement for me!) and I had a lovely day out. 

I was telling them about my recent job failures and how I’m still terribly disappointed about just missing out on the most recent job I interviewed for.  But I have to remain focused on the positive – I’m forward for a couple of jobs this week and will keep you posted as well.

As always, I like to keep my friends laughing.  Mom, I’m about to talk about my sex life so, for your sanity, please skip the rest of this blog entry…

Now, back to what I was discussing with my friends.  My 20^th high school reunion is happening this summer.  Although I won’t make it, I have been getting in touch with some of the “old gang”.  What I was horrified to discover was that some of my old friends remembered me back when I was the little freak.  Mom was very good at reminding me that I used to be a horse freak – I used to run around on all fours through the house because I thought I sounded like a horse.  I neighed like a horse.  I even once told my mom that I wanted to marry a horse (I was too young to say “a man who’s hung like a horse”)!  

What I didn’t remember was that I neighed like a horse around everyone – not just my family.  Why oh why can’t I have just been strange around my family – they understood that I was odd.  Why couldn’t I have just stayed indoors??  When someone mentioned my horse imitation to Helios, he wanted to hear it.  These days I like to think I have some decorum.  So when Helios insisted, I still said no.  How embarrassing is that?  Honestly!  Neighing in front of Helios!

Of course, Helios threatened to withhold sex until he’d heard it.  Well, I can’t resist him so I neighed at him.  He wasn’t impressed at the neighing but we had sex anyway!  It’s always fantastic. 

 Foxy

Metaphors and a Health Update

Dreams help us make sense of the waking world around us.  Some people believe that dreams are the windows onto other dimensions, but I’ve got a much more down-to-earth view of them.  I think that dreams are metaphors of your waking life.  

For instance, I woke up this morning in a bit of a terror.  I had been dreaming that I was in an office building with three floors.  There were windows across from the open elevator.  Now, when I say the elevator was open, I mean that there were only thin bars around the standing area and the buttons for the floors were on one of these bars.  There was no protective glass to contain the people.  I was standing to the right side and slightly away from the buttons, holding the bar with my right hand.  I could see my reflection in the slightly bronzed mirror.  I think I may have been preparing for an interview?  I must have pushed the wrong button because I went straight to the top. 

The problem grew as the floors passed.  There were only floors at ground and first floor level.  I wound up suspended in the air not quite near enough to the buttons to get me to a safe level and I found myself gazing in the mirrors.  I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get back down.  I clutched the right hand bar and tried not to look down…  I was shaking when I woke up.

Objectively, I know what this is about.  I am still terrified, even though I don’t let myself feel it during my waking hours, that I will find a job and I will be able to make ends meet.  I know for the moment my savings is keeping me afloat but I’d obviously be happier stopping off at the right floor of that office building and starting work rather than be left hanging!

I was wondering if I should take the opportunity to re-train as something else.  Trouble is that I would need to know what direction to go in, and above a certain amount of money in order to keep the roof over my head.  I’ve thought about teaching, palm reading, gardening, wedding planning and at one point I was considering creative writing for a living – or at least adding to my pocket while I’m looking for a full-time job.  I know it’s a strange mixture of professions (if you can call palm reading a profession!) but I thought I may as well consider everything – no matter how odd! 

(As an aside, and because I know my mother worries, Helios does contribute to the household.  I don’t want any of you thinking that he’s taking advantage of me!  He’s always contributed to the household and I’m only worried about the rest of the household bills.  I won’t go bankrupt anytime soon because I still have money in my savings account, but I’d obviously feel more comfortable with a job!)

 So, I’m back to looking for an office job.  The good news is that the Summer Holiday season is nearly upon us and I expect I’ll at least get temp work over the summer holidays.  The agency I visited yesterday said that they should be able to find me some work – even if it’s not permanent – because the market seems to be picking up again and temps are the first to feel the uptake in the market.  So, I’ve got everything crossed and I’m hoping I’m not left dangling in the air!

In other news, I have been busy staying out of trouble.  My energy levels are much more than they were.  I have been cooking and cleaning and washing the laundry and I’m happier about keeping positive.  Oh, this doesn’t mean I don’t have darker days.  But for the most part I’m feeling brighter.  I think I’ve always been a happy soul and it’s nice to feel like my old self again.

Now that I’m basically concentrating on treating my endometriosis symptoms, my PCOS symptoms have come back.  My endo treatment consists of running my birth control pill packs together and having fewer periods per year.  I’m still on my insulin resistant diet – lower carbs and higher veg and protein.  I am allowed a serving or two of fruit per day but by in large I need my vitamins from the veg.  (YES Mom, I am also taking a multi-vitamin every day with breakfast!)  More recently I started taking Prozac and another anti-depressant to help me get to sleep at night. The sleeplessness is a PCOS symptom.

 Normally the treatment for PCOS is HRT to add oestrogen to my body that’s lacking due to the cysts on my ovaries.  I tried HRT but it fed my endometriosis and I had to have another laparoscopy back in November.  So, now I’m trying to ignore my PCOS symptoms including the sleeplessness and dark hair in places a girl doesn’t want hair.  I’ve also got the beginnings of a decent bald patch at the back of my head – I’m totally covered at the moment but am much thinner than I was.  Finally, my vaginal burning hasn’t been too bad recently.  I think I get that when I stray from my strict diet.  I can’t tell you why there’s a link there, I’ve just found that when I take a little too much carbohydrate, I get the familiar pain… 

While I know that I will never feel as healthy as I did in my 20s, I’m managing my symptoms as best I can.  I think I need to be realistic about my body and be grateful that my good days are still outnumbering the bad!

Foxy

National Health Service in the US?

I have a friend in the US that I met through my blog.  Not only does she have Endometriosis but she also has Lupus.  I honestly have no idea how she copes!  Unfortunately, at the moment, I think the answer is that she isn’t coping. 

Her last laparoscopy was 2 1/2 years ago and her Endo is so bad that she’s in pain for two weeks per month.  I asked her when her next surgery is scheduled and she cannot afford it.  She’s blacklisted from health insurance because of her Lupus.  How can anyone be expected to cope if they’re blacklisted from health insurance, they have no access to health care and they can’t hold down a job because of the pain?!?  How, in the most wealthy country on the planet, can you people let this happen?  How can anyone deny appropriate health care to anyone? 

Anyone who knows me will know how Endometriosis can be – such severe and violent pain that it has in the past lead me to 1) giving myself third degree burns and scars on the small of my back in an effort to alleviate the pain; 2) vomit from pain; 3) being unable to walk due to shooting pains from my back down into my legs; 4) missing school, work and generally not being able to have a normal life on a regular basis due to the pain.  I once described Endometriosis pain like this: have you ever had a leg cramp wake you up in the night?  Endometriosis pain is like that but I get it in my lower back mostly and it’s in a place where I just can’t stretch it to alleviate the pain. 

After surgery, I’m a normal woman again.  Sure, I have period pain but I take a couple of paracetamol (that’s acetaminophen to you in the US) and carry on with life.  Surgery is not a cure for Endometriosis but it does allow a sufferer to have a remotely normal life until the build up occurs again.

 On top of this, my friend has Lupus.  While I am not personally familiar with Lupus, I know that it effectively prevents her from receiving health insurance in the US.  So, how on EARTH does anyone get adequate treatment once they have a chronic condition in the US?  How does anyone over there justify the greed of insurance companies and drug manufacturers??  How can you people sleep at night?!?

 It makes me SO ANGRY to think of the thousands of my sisters in chronic suffering are never going to be as fortunate as me.

When I talk to more fortunate Americans (who don’t have chronic conditions) they don’t want more tax; they think that health care shouldn’t be a right; they think that people with chronic conditions are lazy. 

I don’t think that health care is a right.  It’s a service that I pay for in my taxes – just like the fire and police service. 

 Why should you pay insurance premiums for something that won’t cover you as soon as you get something that’s 1) difficult to treat; 2) leaves you with chronic symptoms; 3) has no cure.  Wouldn’t you prefer to pay for a service that 1) treats your illness; 2) gives you a standard fee for prescriptions; 3) treats you with dignity.

Foxy

Sorry for the delay…

I’ve had a number of setbacks but am back online, thanks mainly to an extremely talented (and humble) Helios who has rebuilt my laptop more than once!

 

I now have a full time fixed term contract role which will come to an end in January.  It’s just great to know there’s money coming in and knowing that I’ll have work through the Christmas period.  It’s not a job that pays fantastically well but it’s giving me a bit of confidence and the people are just lovely! 

 

Physically I’ve been coping with my endometriosis very well, thank you very much.  Unfortunately enough time has gone by that my PCOS symptoms are starting to be more pronounced again.  My dreams are vivid and hard to forget.  I suffer from fatigue.  My ovaries are frequently burning and I have had Thrush more than once in the past month. 

 

The only health concern I have at the moment is the fact that I’m bleeding despite the fact that I’m in the middle of my cycle and taking the birth control pill.  It’s not heavy bleeding but (as I’m sure you can imagine) you don’t expect spotting in the middle of your cycle when you’re on The Pill.  I’m not in any pain, which I think is a little odd.  Yes Mom, I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday to start to get this sorted…

 

All this aside, I am enjoying life.  I have an amazing husband, a great little flat, a job that I enjoy (and I’m hoping they’ll extend my contract in January!) so I can’t really complain.

 

Anyway, now that I appear to have a machine that works I’ll be updating you more often.

 

Foxy

Starting a new job

I am now working for the Ministry of Justice.  I type and file and type and file some more.  So far I’ve not been asked to answer phones to the public – but I have done this a couple of times when absolutely everyone else was on the phone.  It’s an incredibly busy office with many many changes happening all around them.  Since I started they’ve put lots of new rules and obligations into place to help the place run more smoothly.  I can’t help but be impressed with the efforts being made.  Unfortunately, all that effort means that several staff have confided to me that they’re looking for another job.  Now, part of me is delighted (because I expect it means that they’ll have a space for me) but it seems that everyone that I really like is looking for work elsewhere.  Why would I want to ultimately stay somewhere that makes people I like hate the place?  Hmmmmmmmm.  I think it has to do with dealing with the public.

 

The strange thing about my office is that it’s full of people I seem to get on with.  While we all work hard, we also sometimes sing catchy tunes in the office – The Monkeys, The Beatles and Frank Sanatra as well as some other more recent tunes that I don’t know the words of but sing along to just the same.

 

To get to work I travel by train.  In the mornings, it’s a lovely walk.  I trot down the hill, past the shrubbery with the 20 or 30 Shouting Tits, and appreciate the late dawn light through the brightly coloured leaves.  Of course, the evenings are slightly different.  I stomp up the hill and notice how my heart is beating and my breathing is faster than Paula Radcliffe’s.  Needless to say, I’m hoping that all this walking will keep me in shape!

 

Something funny happened to me.  Helios walks to work and we normally meet at the train station so that he and I can walk up the hill together.  When his second office (the one next door to the train station) closed down he decided that he wanted to race me up the hill home.  So, instead, I got off the train at the stop before my town’s stop and ran up the hill to beat him.  And I won!  Well, I was giggling about getting home before him and he was just in the front door astounded and sweating demanding to know how I’d managed it!  I did say “I cheated” when he was in the other room.  When I say I said it, I mean I whispered it.  (hee hee!)

 

This went on for a few days.  The longer it went on, the more sure he was that I’d been cheating.  He didn’t get to the point of accusing me of taking a taxi from the station, but he was sure that I had found a short-cut of some description.  Finally, I told him and the look on his face was a real picture!  He was astounded.  He said he’d get me back for that.  I’m still waiting for it… 

 

Foxy

Staycation

I had a doctor’s appointment first thing this morning and I was glad to get it out of the way.  While I already collected a couple of routine prescriptions, I also got to hop on the table and let another doctor look inside.  I usually make jokes just before and during the procedure “I’m sorry to do this to you first thing in the morning…” but this time it was harder to make jokes because it wasn’t just uncomfortable – it hurt.  Nevertheless, I made sure he got in there and got the samples – it’s easier than sitting around, suffering symptoms in silence. 

 

The strange thing about having an internal exam in Britain took quite a lot of getting used to.  In the US, your feet are planted in the stirrups with your bottom right at the end of the table with the doctor looking straight up the trumpet.  However in Britain I lay in the middle of the table with my legs bent, one flat on the table with the other bent leg against the wall.  After all these years, I still have no idea why doctors do it this way in this country.  I seem to remember the whole experience being much less uncomfortable over there.  I figure if a doctor has to bend over to see what’s going on in there, then the speculum moves too much or can twist inside which inevitably leads to OUCH! 

 

Well, for Mom’s sake, I was prescribed some antibiotics and I’m already feeling much better.

 

The rest of this week I’m planning to rest and not do too much at once.  So far, I’ve done just a little light housework and I’m expecting to sort out the mortgage product this week.  I’m enjoying having some time without the need to get up early every morning.  It’s nice to have some time to relax and recover (I have a nasty cold as well as this other – internal – issue.)  Helios has been looking after me throughout everything, as always.  Last week he made a gourmet chicken soup for us complete with plenty of garlic!  It’s good for you! 

 

Foxy

Baking and other news

Helios and I both like working in the kitchen.  We make cookies (or biscuits depending on what side of the Atlantic you’re on), brownies and crumbles.

So this afternoon when I was doing the dishes, Helios grabbed one of our cookie sheets and started to wave it while singing “Tie me Kangaroo down”.  He’s no Rolf Harris, but his beard is nicer than Rolf’s!

We donated an apple crumble (and of course Helios’ expertise) to the neighbours.  They have a little girl who is almost two and she’s the cutest little thing you’ve seen.  Her parents are both teachers and Helios gave them a friendly crumble twice already.  They polished off the first one within a day, so Helios wanted to treat them again.  He likes positive reinforcement for his cooking and a new audience is always welcome.

Staycation is over for me on Monday and it’s back to the grind.  I’ve bought another season ticket for my train journeys to and from work.  All my office clothing is clean.  Helios has offered to do the ironing tomorrow (isn’t he great?) so I think I’m ready for the final sprint towards Christmas.

I’ve been working the figures and I’m still not entirely sure I can afford to work where I’m at.  The good news is that I’ve managed to bring the mortgage payment down a bit and I found a good deal on home insurance while on Staycation.  Of course, I’m also tightening the belt at home – I always take my lunch with me these days, for example.  I will admit that I find it crazy that I can work 40 hours a week and not quite afford to live a little.  I’m sure an awful lot of people are in my boat at the moment, eh?  Still, I can’t really complain.  I’m healthy (except for my incessant cough) and happy.  I have a wonderful family and great friends.  Things could be worse!

Foxy

British Summertime

British summertime ended last weekend.  This means that I’m walking to work in what feels like summertime weather, but by 5:30 the sky is dark and I’m carrying my torch to help everyone see me on the path.

 

The nice thing about the walk home on Monday was the smell.  I could smell rotting leaves, hay rack rides, wood burning stoves and spooky wanderings.  I would have enjoyed it more but I was coughing and coughing up the hill.

 

So I’m back at work.  I told my friends there that Helios wanted a meerkat or otter or ferret or a mongoose.  I was shocked and horrified to discover that they think I’m a kill-joy!  They even suggested that if he got an otter, that he could walk it downhill and let it swim in the river everyday.  I still don’t think it’s a good idea (and secretly I think he’s trying to soften me up so that I’ll finally say yes to a playstation or xbox).  Unfortunately the flat is far too small for such nonsense.  I get a bit funny when the recycling mounts up or when the place is untidy, and it doesn’t take long for it to seem very untidy indeed.

 

I’m still having extremely vivid dreams.  I woke up with a start on Monday and can still remember the dream.  My baby sister (in the dream) was pregnant and was taking me around all sorts of shops.  The shop that I remember vividly was a quilt shop with so many beautiful colours and patterns…  Of course, I’ve checked with her and she’s not pregnant (yet?)!  Normally I like to know what my dreams mean.  For instance, I think that dreams are another way of expressing an overriding emotion; however, that one has completely baffled me!

 

The only other news is that I’m following Manchester United and enjoying a new (proper!) football season.  I know you ding-dongs on the other side of the Atlantic call some strange ground-acquisition game “Football” but, since you don’t really use your feet to play it, I call what you call “soccer”, football.  I’ve always been told that converts are more zealous and I still consider myself an English Convert.  The gang at work think I’m more British than a lot of them; I think they’re not wrong.  I’ll have to elaborate later though…

 

Foxy

 

Beautiful Autumn

We had a long walk today along the canal where we used to go while we were dating.  It was beautiful and peaceful.  My mom would sometimes play a song called “Windmills of your mind”, in it there’s a line that I just love.  “The Autumn leaves were turning to the colour of her hair.”  I love that line: I can almost see the colours!

Getting there was a little chore.  We climbed into the car and Helios asked “Do you have the bread?” Of course I’d forgotten.  So we went back.  I went back in the flat and grabbed the bread but then thought I might need my asthma inhaler so I grabbed that and went back to the car.

Just at the end of the road, Helios said “You got the bread?”  To which I said, “no” and we turned around again so that I could get the bread.  I giggled with embarrassment and Helios managed to contain his frustration.

So when we got there, we fed the ducks, geese, coots and moorhens.  The geese were so gentle, Helios got them to take the bread from his hands.  Some of the coots seemed terribly hungry, crossing the canal as if they had a motor attached to their legs.  The leaves parted as the ducks paddled towards us.

We also saw a heron.  Beautiful and graceful it swooped and landed in a tree near the water.  It was breathtaking.  Of course, not much later one of the coots just managed to take flight while running across the water and flapping madly.  It sent me giggling to think that they’re both birds but one was so graceful while one just managed to wildly make it across the canal.

We saw even more wildlife on our walk…  Two white and ginger cats came along and insisted that we stop and worship them.  So we did.

I don’t have many symptoms at the moment.  I AM suffering from pretty serious PMT (Which is PMS if you live on the Western side of the Atlantic.) but I’m coping with the symptoms with Milk Thistle.  Beyond that, my health is on the good side of OK.  I’m eating well (a little too well with servings of Helios’ apple crumble or cookies at work), but I’m trying to fix that.  Of course, I’m experiencing some PCOS symptoms (I pulled out another dark chin-hair earlier this week.) but I’m hoping that when I get my diet back in order, that my symptoms will diminish again.

Foxy

Remember Remember 5th of November

Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…

 

It slightly tickles me that the British celebrate the foiling of what we now call a terrorist attack.  While many other countries have a national holiday rooted in the overthrow of an oppressive government, Brits know that treason will NOT be tolerated.

 

These days the national holiday is known as Bonfire Night and is celebrated by creating and burning a very large pile of wood and also burning a Guy Fawkes in effigy followed by fireworks.  This year Helios and I are going to the local Bonfire Night with our neighbours on Saturday 7^th November.  We don’t get days off work on 5^th for the occasion – but then the occasion has been going on since the attempt to blow up the Parliament building in 1605.  As a Brit, I can now say that we’re slightly ahead of you there!  I expect the Founding Fathers in the US originally celebrated Bonfire Night before they decided not to pay their taxes and throw some tea into a certain harbour!

 

The first few years I found fireworks in the autumn (and in the cold) very strange indeed but, as with many other things, I’ve grown accustomed to it in the end.  I have a pair of Wellington Boots (mine have flowers on), I wear lots of layers and make sure I have a torch (Flashlight) to help on the walk there and back.  Also, there’s usually hot drinks available from local merchants.

 

I’m very much looking forward to it again this year.

 

Foxy

Fireworks and Birthday Weekend

The fireworks turned out to be a bridge too far for my 2 year old neighbour.  Luckily she fell asleep before we were due to go.  After we walked down the hill and stood in a field waiting for the bonfire to catch light, I thought the evening was too cold and boring for such a young English girl.

We had a good time though.  The event started at 7:00 p.m. at the bottom of the High Street in a torchlight procession (and in this instance I mean a fire-lit torch).  Helios and I gave this a miss and headed straight for the field.  We had the pleasure of waiting for the procession to arrive and listening to some pedantic old fool saying to everyone that we needed to take note of where we could get drinks and where the First Aid station.

Finally the bonfire was lit and my front was burning hot while my bottom was ice-cold.  We stood in the field for an inordinate amount of time while listening to children running just a little too far away from their parents, teenagers on the telephone and annoying 60 year olds congratulating people with birthdays and anniversaries today on the PA system.

But you go to these things to see the fireworks.  You know, when I was young the fireworks shows were much much more Spartan than they are these days.  In the old days, we got one bang and “OOOooo” “AHHhhhh”.  These days it’s 20 minutes of overwhelming glittering sequins, floral colours, and breathtaking – chest rattling booms.  It was just great!  I even forgot how cold my feet were!

Don’t worry Mom, the walk home warmed me sufficiently.  I didn’t even need a hot water bottle for my feet that evening.

The best thing about the weekend has been Helios’ birthday.  I dished out his cards and presents.  We watched our football game at the neighbour’s flat (they kindly left their door open for the occasion)  but our team lost.  :o(

Helios, I hope that 40 doesn’t seem so awful.  It’s just a number.  Besides, you’re gonna have a lot of birthdays with me.  There isn’t anything we can do about getting old, but at least we can enjoy the time together!  Happy Birthday, my Sun God!

Foxy

Another weekend here and nearly gone

I’m not disappointed.  OK that’s not entirely true.  I am disappointed but I didn’t think it would happen for a number of years yet, so I’m not surprised.  I hadn’t mentioned it before.  Maia dropped off a note at her grandmother’s house saying “This is my mobile number, get Dad to call me.”  Grandmother was annoyed because Maia didn’t say “Hello” or “Thanks” to her in her note – just “do this”.  Helios rang the number but it went to voice mail after ringing a few times.  The first time he said that he’d try her again at a specific time on Saturday.  So when he tried her again on Saturday, the phone rang a few times and went to voice mail.  He left another message.

I can understand her perhaps missing the first call on accident; however if I were her and really wanted to speak to Helios, I would have made sure that I was in a position to receive the call on Saturday.  I spoke to him afterwards and Helios said that he would try her again but didn’t hold out much hope of actually speaking to her.  If she doesn’t answer the phone, I’ll try not to get my hopes up too much soon.   I hope that eventually, when she has the courage and the curiosity to get in touch again, it actually takes place.  As I say, I expect it to happen in a few years…  Perhaps she’s just not ready yet?

The rest of the weekend has been spent, as always, getting ready for next week and relaxing.  We’ve seen a couple of DVDs; we walked down to the Village and fed the ducks along the river before walking back home.  It’s nice that the weather was cooperative today because yesterday it rained cats and dogs.  When Helios and I were in the Village we stopped in the new candy shop.  He’s got a thing for sour sweets and I picked up some sour lemons and sour apple sweets that nearly turned his face inside out.  It made me laugh when his face turned bright red and he started hopping around in agony.  I knew from his stream of obscenities that I didn’t want to try it.

In other news, I had my usual cervical smear test a few weeks ago.  I’m being referred up to a gynaecologist for another test.  I will say that I’m a little nervous at what might be found.  Years ago I had the same problem but nothing was found.  The doctors couldn’t seem to find enough cervical cells.  I told them that I moved my Cervix to just under my left arm.  They didn’t believe me! That was years ago.  Now you know what this means?  I’ll have even more doctors inside me than I’ve had boyfriends/husbands!

I’m still experiencing PCOS symptoms.  I have amazingly vivid dreams.  The other night I was dreaming of just spending time with Helios and I was rubbing his back and talking to some friends from the office.  I say it’s vivid because I was rubbing moisturiser on his dragon tattoo and admiring all the many bright colours.  Generally speaking, I find myself yawning throughout the day and never quite sleeping deeply enough at night.  The trouble with running pill packs together is that I have several weeks of PMT – which is OK if/when I remember to take my Milk Thistle.  When I forget I wind up biting my husband’s head off when he’s drying the dishes.  Poor Helios.

My right ovary is burning.  It should ease after my period but it’s not been right since that idiot doctor drilled into it during my second operation.  After my third laparoscopy, my surgeon showed me a large and painful endometrium on my right ovary.  I expect it’s hardly a surprise that I still get pain there…

I should start to feel better once my period starts.  It’s a week of “no-touch knickers” for Helios, but I should imagine he’s been looking forward to it.

Foxy

Thanksgiving 2009

I haven’t celebrated Thanksgiving in several years.  It’s just not convenient to take two days off work at the end of November when none of my English family have the same time off.  Four days isn’t really enough time to take to visit my family in the US.  My first husband was a Vegetarian so baking a turkey for only me seemed a bit excessive…

Every Thanksgiving I get the same round of questions:

What’s involved?  Is it “bigger” than Christmas?  What’s the point?  If you’re getting together with family in December anyway, why bother with Thanksgiving?

When I first came to England I did miss my American accoutrements; however, these days I don’t miss it.  So I’m wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and a joyful run up to Christmas.

Even more waiting…

I have my doctor’s appointment on Monday.  I’ll admit to being a little nervous.  I keep thinking about what I need to do to get there.  I have to drive to the park-and-ride and make sure I get to work at a reasonable hour, then at lunchtime I need to get back to the car, drive to the hospital, and then get back to the village in time for my contact lense appointment.

Last week I managed to have two interviews for a job.  It’s an accountancy firm.  I was delighted that they wanted to see me again.  It was a bit of a trick though – they needed to see me in their HQ in London.  I hate to go to London on a deadline.  Even if the deadline is 3 hours away, I hate the thought that I might get lost and be late.  So I left for London at 10:30 and got to Waterloo far too early.  I found the place within 5 minutes and spent the rest of my 3 hours wait at a coffee shop nursing a Large Decaff Americano.

I won’t hear about that until Tuesday, so I’m trying not to get excited.  As much as I’d like to stay with Liz at the Court Service, I really ought not to because 1) it really doesn’t pay enough and 2) if I did get a permanent job, it would require more responsibility for not much money.

So the job I’m looking at sounds very straightforward: typing, filing and other administration.  The people sound nice and it’s not too far from the train station.  I’ll still have to catch the early train but the benefits are going to be better than the Courts Service (sorry Liz!)

Of course this weekend hasn’t been just about waiting.  We’ve seen a couple of films and listened to the football.  All in all, not a bad weekend, even if it did seem far too short!

What the doc said…

There are a number of reasons I DETEST going to the doctor here.  One of them is the mad, frantic dash just to get a car parking space.  I got to the hospital at 2:20 p.m. and took nearly 20 minutes to get a space.  In fact, the only reason I got a space was because I managed to spot a car park manager (in one of those yellow jackets) and said “I have a procedure at 3:00, any chance of finding me a space??

So I got in OK and then I waited and waited.  The paperwork said that the whole thing should take 10 minutes but I was there for nearly an hour because the two gals in front of me were WHIMPS!  I was 25 minutes late getting into the room… AND I’d organised a contact lens appointment back in my village at 4:20 so I was clock-watching!

The room had the usual chair-of-doom right in the middle – like some medieval torture device with a tray of implements beside.  At least this one had stirrups and the doctor had plenty of room for manoeuvre.  It was uncomfortable.  And WHY do doctors feel the need to talk to you from down there “So you’ve got an accent, where are you from?”  Don’t expect me to talk to you when I’m trying to control my breathing and make sure that discomfort doesn’t give way to pain!!

The procedure itself was uncomfortable.  He was in there and took photos (not of my best side!) and swabbed it down and then washed my cervix with vinegar and water and then he took a biopsy.  That didn’t hurt.  Cauterising the wound really stung!  No amount of heavy breathing helped.  I wanted to kick him in the face.  I think they charge for that kind of treatment though, so I managed to restrain myself.

The good news is that he said it didn’t look like any thing sinister.  The bad news is that the biopsy results will take six weeks to come back.  I won’t know anything for sure until at least after Christmas.  But I’m feeling a lot better about the whole thing now.  I told the doctor that I was going to be walking like John Wayne and he apologised.  I suppose I at least got an apology!

When I got home I told Helios all about it and he said “Didn’t you tell this guy that your husband is a maniac with an axe, didn’t you?”  I said “No, but I’m glad you didn’t come with me because when he started hurting me, you’d have murdered everyone in the room!”  He just smiled and said “Yep.”

This evening I cooked tea (which I really didn’t mind because it’s sitting down that’s uncomfortable) and I’ve got a hot water bottle now.  I’m uncomfortable in certain positions but I’m sure I’ll feel fine by the morning.

Thanks for looking after me tonight Helios!

Foxy

Finally some more good news

Just when I was starting to think that the only luck I had was bad I finally got a phone call at 11:30 this morning offering me the job at that accountancy company in the city.  It’s permanent, has loads of benefits and pays OK.  (I say OK because it’s the same salary I was on about 4 years ago – but in this day and age I still count myself lucky!)

The first person I told was Helios.  Then I waited until the Court Manager got back to the office and told her next.  I felt it was only fair that I give her the news straight away before I start telling random people in the office.  She took it well and said that I should keep in touch, just in case a position becomes available!  I think they’re expecting something happening but they clearly seem unable to give any details.  It’s a nice feeling to finally be wanted again!

My last day at HM Courts Service is 4^th January and that means I’ve got plenty of time to get them up to date once and for all before I go.  The Manager said that she’d make good use of me before I left and I have no doubt I’ll be up to my eyeballs in work until I go.

I then proceeded to tell the gals one by one.  None of them seems very impressed with me.  All in all though, I’m relieved.  It looks like a successful company and I’ll feel so much more secure with a “permanent” job to go to.

Foxy

Shooting Star

The other night Helios and I stood outside with a blanket around us, we held each other and gazed at the sky.  It was cold.  The cloud cover wasn’t too heavy and I could make out some constellations.  I figured we had a good chance in seeing the meteor shower.  I wasn’t wrong.  It was beautiful.  In the movies you’d expect to hear a romantic tune but there was no music.  It was more profound.  It made me feel small.

It hurt my neck.  We didn’t stay out too long.  Just long enough for us both to glimpse a shooting star.

I forgot to make a wish but then, I already have everything that I want.  What could I possibly wish for?  OK winning the lottery would be nice, but that’s not essential for life.  It would make me more comfortable but not essential.

Foxy

Snow

Wednesday of this week I was sitting in my office and everyone else was speculating about snow.  Snow is only rarely seen in this part of the country so when there are weather warnings everyone likes to guess about the length of time it will snow and if it will lay.  Of course, in my youth, the question wasn’t if the snow would stay, it was more about the amount of accumulation.  I just kept my head down and watched all the fuss happening around me.  Luckily it did snow but not long enough for any actual accumulation.

Thursday morning’s walk to the station was treacherous indeed!  There was a thick frost and walking down the hill included a lot of sliding.  Luckily there was no base-over-apex action!  That evening coming home was just fine because, even though it was dark, the frost wasn’t so thick that I was sliding up the hill.

At work the management reminded everyone of the snow procedures and there was more speculation about blizzards and snow days off.

It snowed overnight Thursday.  We received the princely accumulation of one whole inch.  Nevertheless, I checked the web-site to see if the trains were running.  They were so I got ready and walked to the station, as usual.  The snow wasn’t too bad.  I got lots of traction in the fresh powder.  There is a wonderful silence that the snow brings to the land.  I think, technically, it must absorb a bit of sound, or is it that everyone wakes up and thinks “Oh no!  I’m not going out in that!” and they roll over in bed to get another few minutes of sleep.  Whatever the reason I enjoyed the walk.  I even recognised squirrel tracks that hopped away from a nearby tree.

It wasn’t such a nice morning if you travel by car.  As always, the “smaller” roads didn’t get gritted and the cars were all over the place.  The roads seemed to be better in the city when I got to work, but I was glad that morning not to have to drive anywhere.  Accidents waiting to happen…

Friday evening was much more treacherous for the walkers.  Even before I got to the hill I grabbed hold of plants, walls, cars and anything else that helped keep me steady.  The major difference between the UK and the US is in the US, if the sidewalks are covered with ice and snow, you simply step to the left and walk on the grass.  You’re always bound to get a little better traction there.  In the UK, land is so precious that there really isn’t much of a path to speak of, and where there is pavement, it’s so close to the road that I sometimes frighten myself with the thought of a car mounting the pavement and hitting me with a SPLAT.  The pavement also has quite a camber so trying to keep your footing is difficult when it’s icy.  In the end I walked in the road until I saw cars coming, then I’d step onto the pavement and wait for them to pass.

Normally I get home before Helios but Friday night, as I rounded the corner to our road, I saw him coming towards me.  I recognised him immediately with his head-torch and his gait.  He’d managed to climb his part of the hill, saw I wasn’t home, turned a few lights on and then came back out for me.  I just love it that he cares enough about my welfare that he goes out of his way for me.  Sure, you might think anyone would/should do that, but I’m still not entirely used to it.

On Saturday and it was -2°C so the garden still has a light dusting of white.  Perfect for the winter, and it means that I’m finally starting to feel a little Christmas-y.

Foxy

New Year – New Start

Christmas was just lovely with Helios.  We both had 24^th off work to collect the turkey – Helios works with a gal whose father owns an organic turkey farm.  The Christmas meal here consists of roasted turkey with mashed swede (known in the US as rudabega), roasted potatoes and parsnips, boiled carrots, brussel sprouts, broccoli, and cauliflower.  You can make a wonderful turkey curry with the leftovers but I always make soup instead.

Other than eat, we didn’t do much.  Our neighbours have asked us to look after their flat while they go on a trip to see family to South Africa.  We’ve taken advantage and have been watching some of the football on their TV, since they have a satellite and we don’t!  We’ve taken advantage and made sure that their place is well looked after!

My last day at the Court Service has finally been and gone.  I have mixed feelings about the place: on the one hand, I’m much more my old self after six months there – I’m confident in my work and I feel appreciated.  I will really miss everyone there.  On the other hand, I could do with the extra money and benefits that a permanent job can give.

On a completely other hand, why can’t I find something that pays just a little more?  I was earning £5k more before I was made redundant last year.  I know I should be grateful for the job at all and I needed to take something of a pay cut considering I’m in a secretary role instead of a PA role.  I suppose I’ll never really be happy at work – and in many ways I do blame my endometriosis and PCOS.  Most days I do well and I can focus but there are just too many days when I’m unable to concentrate.  Will I ever reach my full potential?

Maybe after a few more months I’ll feel better about the new job.  I’m trying not to think that I’m just settling for something that I know I can do.  I’m vacillating, I know.  I hope I’m just a little nervous about the new job.  It’s really nice that at least I have miles more confidence than I used to.

New Years has been uneventful – which is nice.  We did a little shopping and spent lots of time together.  Perfect.

Foxy

Maia

Finally there have been some developments with my step-kids: Maia got in touch via Facebook.

I’m delighted but at the same time I’m trying not to get too excited – I’m trying not to push her away by being too forward.  At the moment I’m experiencing so many emotions, I don’t know what to think or feel first.  I want to shout from the mountaintops!  I am excited that she and Helios are in touch again.  I’m excited to have informally met another member of my family (and I count all Helios’ family as family because I don’t have “blood family” on this side of the Atlantic!).  I’m concerned that she’ll like me.  I wonder what she and her brother have been getting up to all this time.  I hope she’s not into drugs.  I hope she likes school.  In short, most of my waking life will now taken up by wondering, worrying and feeling excited.

Maia is 16.  I’m remembering what I was like at that age: how I behaved badly as all teenagers tend to.  I wasn’t really emotionally mature enough to take some of the decisions I was making but I turned out OK.

I wonder what they like, where they go, what they do, what they want to do with their lives…

She seems a real sweetheart.  It’s nice to get chatting to someone and immediately find things in common – despite our vast age difference!  With Facebook Chat she carries on two conversations at once – with me and Helios.  Sometimes Helios and I will talk about what she’s saying (if it’s reference to photos she’s posted for example) and then go back to her.  I can’t wait to meet her in person.

It’s going well so far that Helios asked me last night if I thought he should get in touch with Apollo.  (Since Apollo is listed in Maia’s friends, it will take no time at all searching for him.)  I said yes.  What does he have to lose?  If Apollo isn’t ready for contact he’ll either leave the question pending or claim he doesn’t know Helios.  Either way, at least Helios has made the effort and we can wait for Apollo when he’s a little older.  But, if he says “yes”, they can start chatting too.  Maybe the four of us can see one another next time we’re in Helios’ home town…  I can but hope!

Helios said last night, “it’s really odd for me to think that you’re talking with my daughter.”  I expect it is.  It’s been a long time since he’s talked to her and, since I’ve never done so, he’s still in shock.  I honestly think that he wasn’t expecting either of his kids to get in touch again – ever.  I’m glad to see that I was right.  I don’t exactly know what her motivation was for getting in touch but I’m so glad she did – if only to prove me right!  Ha ha!

I realise that it’s going to be a long process, getting to know them.  I’m keen to prevent any misunderstandings.  I’m hoping that their curiosity will win out over any minor disagreements.  I’m hoping what they really want is a relationship with their father, and that they will be prepared to work as hard as I am to make it work.  It’s a first step, what we’re doing now, and it’s a very good thing.

Foxy, the Step-Mom

New Job, My Step-Daughter and the never-ending health issues

The new job is going well.  The people there are very nice indeed and I am completely capable with the work.  My only problem so far has been the snow hampering my travel to and from the office.  It might not sound like a significant problem but on my first week there I missed out an entire day of work because I physically couldn’t get to the office.  My guilt was unbelievable.  I actually sat on the couch in full garb – coat, scarf, gloves, etc. for quite some time wondering if I should brave another trip out to the train station.  Honestly, the walk I had to the train station that morning, coupled with the chaos of no one knowing when the next train would arrive (and none being forthcoming) really tired me out.  I was glad to get home for a nap but couldn’t relax enough because I was fretting that I might get fired!

They all seem to have a decent sense of humour and, while the snow has been a terrible burden, at least we’re all in the same boat.  I’m not expecting to get fired.

I still hear from the gang at the Court Service.  I got a message begging me to come back from a friend who said that her desk was “covered” in the stuff I used to do.  I miss the lively atmosphere and the people and the fact that the days used to go by so quickly – but I’m still being told that the work here will pick up quickly.  I hope so!

In other news, our chats with Maia are just wonderful.  She seems very open and has a great sense of humour.  I’m really enjoying getting to know her.  Conversely, I am trying not to reveal too much of myself just yet as I don’t want her to think I’m preaching at her or something – “Well, in my day, I used to do this or that…”  No.  At the moment I’m asking her questions about her life and I think she’s enjoying answering.  She is only 16, has a boyfriend (who I have managed to frighten, I’m told) and will probably go into child care after finishing school.  The first few days we chatted with her everyday but we didn’t last night.  I know she has other obligations in her life, so I’m grateful for the time that she does make for us.  I’m hoping to organise a trip to her home town in March (which is near to her birthday) so that we can finally meet.  We’re already talking about meeting in terms of “when” and not “if” anymore – so planning a trip would give us both something nice to look forward to.

Finally, and despite horrible weather conditions, my period hasn’t been too bad again this month. Oh sure, I’m taking Mefenamic Acid and paracetamol but the tablets totally kill the pain and I’m easily able to cope with everything else that us women have to do everyday.  Do you think I’ll need another operation to clear me out again?  I expect being ever being totally clear of endometriosis is just wishful thinking, but I can dream!

Foxy

Even more snow moans

I’m about to complain about the weather like a good English girl.  If you’re tired of me venting about snow already, I do apologise for the following:

I’m hoping that the snow is finally over for the year.  We’ve had more than enough, even though it’s miles less than most in the wintertime.  In some respects, it’s difficult to complain: it’s true that the only time I’ve ever had to shovel snow in my life was when I was in the US.  BUT the conditions here (particularly for walking) are terrible.  The pavements are covered in snow and thick ice.  IF I still lived in the US and the sidewalks were covered in thick ice, I’d just walk on the grass.  Trouble is, there really aren’t yards here.  We have gardens with walls and large hedges so that people cannot see into our properties.  The point I’m trying to make is that we don’t have an alternative to walking on the pavement – except the road.  Now, do I choose to inch along the pavement and pray that I don’t fall over and break a leg, or do I choose to walk in the road and pray that I don’t get hit by a car?  Needless to say I’m not the only one suffering and there appears to be a national scandal brewing on the matter due to the extra strain on the National Health Service (more people falling over) and the fact that the local councils cannot be bothered (oh sure they say they’ve run out of road treatments) to salt the roads and, at the same time, cannot be bothered to come to collect the garbage.  My garbage has been sitting by the side of my property since just before Christmas!!  Why do I bother paying my taxes??  Why is it that I bust a gut to ensure I get into the office everyday when those layabouts cannot be bothered to come into work?  Why is it that they cannot work for the council when it’s the council’s fault that they cannot work in the first place.  Put some grit down!!

After that rant I think you can understand why I’m fed up with winter.

Generally speaking, winter as I used to know it, never lasts long here.  So far we’ve had about two weeks of bad weather but now it’s raining instead of snowing and the temperatures are already well above freezing.  Where the George the Magpie was hopping across the rooftops yesterday, leaving a trail of footprints, there is only the rooftop.  The main roads are almost entirely clear of snow and ice and even the secondary roads are thawing in places.  Of course the pavements are just lethal, but hopefully that won’t last long either.

Even though winter never seems to last that long here, Helios always puts food out for the birds.  I’m sure they eat more in this weather.  AND we wind up feeding an extremely acrobatic squirrel we’ve named Indiana Jones at the bird feeder.  He bravely jumps from the trees to the bird feeder where he dangles from his hind legs and eats furiously before one of the birds flaps up and frightens him off.

Friday we received “snow” cakes from the management – as a thank you to everyone who made the effort to come into the office during the difficulties of travelling through the snow.  It’s a lovely gesture that I just managed to resist!

The only other comment to make about the new job is the time it’s taking to get everything in place.  My printer doesn’t work very well (my printing starts with a page that only says “dLight” in the top left hand corner), I need a security pass and I still don’t seem to have enough to do; however, the people are nice and I’m assured things will pick up soon.  I should be grateful really.  With things a little quiet, I’m able to pick things up at my own pace and remain calm at work.  As you know, I’m still trying to avoid stress for a number of reasons, one of the main ones is that I feel I perform better when I have the time to think things through before I do them.  I find it relaxing when I have the time to double-check everything.

Foxy

Counting Blessings

Part of what set this blog entry off was a comment that Helios made last night: he said he still sometimes felt that he didn’t deserve me.  How crazy is that??  He cooks, he cleans, he irons, he’s considerate and thoughtful.  He’s happy to get the groceries.  He takes the garbage out.  Whenever I ask him to do something, he usually does it within 10 minutes!  What else would I want from a husband?  I told him he’s being silly and he said that “feelings aren’t always rational”, which is very true.  But what he said got me thinking about how lucky I am.

I have a tremendous husband.  As last year dragged on, I was grateful to be with him.  He never griped that we didn’t have any money.  He never pestered me about getting a job (because he knew I was looking) and he encouraged me when I needed it.  Even though we had some time off together, we couldn’t take all our holiday time together because I was getting paid by the hour and so couldn’t afford to take as much time off as he did.

Currently I’ve got a pretty good job that’s reasonably local.  There are people who work downstairs who have said that they wouldn’t mind car-pooling – which would mean a significant weight off my shoulders as far as travel expenses go.  I’m already given a lift home Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays from one of the gals in my room as she passes my road to get home.  I’m really touched by this gesture because I’ve not been with the company a month and everyone tends to go out of their way to be friendly.

I could easily complain that last year was a hard year (and it was!) but I’m delighted to have achieved so much: I finally finished off my anti-depressants and I’m naturally happy again.  I came off my neural inhibitor (for the pain).  I managed to find enough work to keep the wolf from the door throughout the year.  The last six months at the Court Service I didn’t take one day off sick which, considering my chronic conditions, is pretty good!  I expect my Resume doesn’t look too bad considering the financial climate at the moment.  Now, I’m in a good job with nice people that isn’t too stressful for me.  I go to work, do what I can, and then leave it all behind promptly at 5:30.  I suppose it only goes to show that things will work out in the end, if given enough time!

Also, and even though it’s not really an achievement of mine, I’m delighted my step-daughter has gotten in touch.  It must have taken quite a bit of courage to make the effort!  I can imagine she’d have worried if Helios was going to reject her before she got the courage up.  It’s been a few years since Helios and Maia have seen one another.  It’s lovely to see her current photos.  She has her father’s eyes and her grandfather’s ears.  I’m trying to encourage good communication.  Whenever I see that she’s online, I make sure to enquire after her.  So far, Helios and I have spoken to her most days, even if it’s just a little chat about food, music or the day’s events.  She seems a lovely kid and I feel lucky to have her in my life at last!

In other news, I received feedback from the biopsy I had done before Christmas.  They did find some questionable cells and I’m going back for another smear test in June.  I’m surprisingly relaxed about this.  I figure: if it were something truly scary, they’ll haul me in and put me under a microscope.  Since they haven’t done that, I’m in the clear for now.  In the meantime, I’ll accumulate holiday time at my new place (as well as private health insurance at the end of my probation period) and I’ll deal with the matter when it arises.  No point in worrying about something scary that might never happen, eh?

I suppose if I’m going to make a New Year’s Resolution, I’d better do it quickly.  Does it count if you decide to do it at the end of January?  I think instead of saying that I’ll do something that I know I’ll probably not carry out, I’ll try not to sweat the small stuff.  I’ll try not to get too excitable at work and enjoy life one day at a time.  Counting your blessings usually helps!

Foxy

Head cold and strange dreams

I’m finally starting to feel better.  My head cold is clearing and the sun is shining.  The snow that fell yesterday has already melted.  I’m a little down but I’m attributing that to my cold and lack of sleep.

Again, I have to say I have the world’s best husband.  The other night I offered to sleep on the couch and he told me not to.  He said that he would only worry if I was out in the living room on the couch and he wouldn’t be able to sleep.  I’m holding my breath to see if he comes down with my cold.  I really hope he doesn’t because he already has sinus issues.

I’ve been having more of my record-breaking strange dreams.  For example, last night I was driving to a restaurant called “The Monkey Puzzle” or something like that, to meet my sister.  When I got there I found a large building that looked like a warehouse with a sign on the side that said “The Monkey Box”.  The next thing I know, I was captured by the mob!  They injected something into my back and I found myself in the main dining area again, trying to convince everyone that I was in danger.  I pretended to collapse for the attention and in the hope that whatever I was injected with would, ultimately, have lead me to collapse anyway!

I’m still trying to work out what that was all about.  Perhaps it’s because I feel slightly out of control?  New Job, New year, new step-kids (or at least new to me!)  I’m trying to make a good impression all over the place and I won’t feel comfortable until I feel more in control.  As I’m a firm believer that dreams are some sort of indicator of underlying feelings told in a metaphor – I think I’m right in saying I’m 1) trying to find my way (in the case of the restaurant, not exactly succeeding) and 2) slightly out of control but doing what I can to resolve the situation.   This is a good thing because I’m not normally good at asking for help but, I think from my dream, I have been trying to do this.  Although, if I examine this to the fullest extent, I might actually feel more in control of my life if I formally asked for help from time to time from others instead of throwing myself down to the ground and hoping people will notice…

When I mentioned this to the gals at my new work, they asked me if I ate cheese.  (!)  At interview I mentioned my Insulin Resistance problem so they’re at least aware of why I won’t have cakes when there are some in the kitchen – and so far this week that’s meant everyday!  However, I neglected to mention my other maladies – mainly because I wanted the job and thought that I wouldn’t get it if I brought my list out.  Can you imagine how that conversation would go?

“Well, there’s the insulin resistance which means I really shouldn’t have cakes; there’s the PCOS which means I regularly have strange dreams and hair in places a girl doesn’t want hair; there’s the endometriosis which – although I have control of the symptoms at the moment, means that some months I’m in such pain that I look like I’m giving birth in the office!  Then there’s IBS which may or may not be affected by the endometriosis.  Oh and I’ve just had a biopsy done on some questionable cells on my cervix.  It could be something scary, but I could be lucky!”  I can just imagine their response to a tirade like that.

As I say, I did confess to the Insulin Resistance which means that I’m not under any pressure to have cakes that I really shouldn’t in the office.  The rest of my symptoms from my various maladies are under control at the moment, so I didn’t mention them with the thought that if they don’t affect my work, they don’t have to know.

In short, I’m doing better and better everyday!

Foxy

Springtime?

I’ve noticed over the past week or so that the walk into work has been getting brighter and brighter.  Winter never seems to last long in this country – even though we have snow in the forecast on Friday.  It started with dawn happening while I was at the train station and I didn’t have time to admire the view.  Today, (and leaving at roughly the same time every week day) I was treated to a beautiful sunrise just as I turned left out of my road and towards the long walk down hill.  Mom, when  you  read  this, today’s sunrise reminded me of that Emily Dickinson poem you memorized and recited to me when I was little “I’ll tell you how the sun rose, a ribbon at a time…”  It was like that today.

Helios and I went to see a comedian last night.  We’ve seen him a number of times before.  He’s the one who, during a performance, asked if anyone in the crowd had any unusual sexual fantasies.  I had the nerve to shout out.  I answered “A Viking Helmet!”  Now, before you think I’m completely insane, I will say that the fantasy didn’t originate from me.  No honestly it really didn’t!  Centuries ago I was chatting to a friend of mine when I mentioned that Helios would be wearing a kilt to the wedding.  She gasped and confessed that she always had a fantasy for a man wearing a kilt and a Viking helmet. Well, I nearly fell off my chair laughing so hard, but then I thought: “I know exactly what she’s after there!”  The really funny bit about all this is that the comedian was filming his show when I shouted out “A Viking Helmet!” so Helios and I are there, captured for all time – shouting out the strangest thing I could think of.  It’s very me, I suppose: life is too short to be taken seriously!

Work is finally picking up.  Well, when I say picking up, I mean I’m a bit better at keeping busy now.  They appear to have far too many files in the office that are in desperate need for sending to our off-site storage facility.  I managed to process five boxes today and I have more to sort out tomorrow.  I’m just about as shattered as a person can be!  AND I still need to find the energy to walk to the station, take the train home, and walk that long, hard walk up the hill.  Mom, are you feeling sympathetic yet?

Tomorrow is Friday and I’m really looking forward to the weekend.

Foxy

Fun Friday

I finally have my pay packet from my new employer.  As always these things never go smoothly – I’ve been paid a tax rebate when I’m not sure I’m entitled to one.  Of course I’ve gone back to my accounts department.  It will be sorted but, consequently, I won’t be entirely sure of what my “normal” paycheque will look like until I’ve been here a bit longer…  A couple of months maybe?  I’m not that worried about it in the meantime, at least I’ve got a job and I’ve managed (still don’t know how) to remain in the black through January.  This means I probably have just enough to sort out my car before my car tax is due in March.  There’s always something, isn’t there?

In the meantime it’s Friday again and I’m looking forward to another quiet weekend of laundry, cleaning and cooking.  The excitement never ends in my house, eh?  But then I’m not one for lots of excitement. I like what I like and don’t apologise for it.  I’m not terribly ambitious, which means that I get to spend weekends doing what I want instead of driving myself to find new ways of making money – either by investing or doing up houses or buying antiques or art that I really don’t like in the first place.  No.  It’s nice enough for me to be able to sit on the couch and see something I want to on the TV.  I like cooking and having someone appreciate the effort.  I am content.  There’s nothing wrong in that.

Well, when I say content that doesn’t entirely include my health.  My sleeping patterns are still a bit of a mess from earlier this week when I saw the comedian.  I woke up this morning at 4:00 and only dozed after that.  I find I’m physically hot a lot so I regularly come to bed snuggling in the covers and kick it all off by the time I wake up.  And then there are the dreams.  Last night I was working in a garden when a polar bear cub ran past me and into the house.  Whoever was with me was frightened but I just laughed and said “Oh he’s nearly tame!”  Normally I don’t have much of a problem trying to work out what my dreams mean but this time I’m stumped.  I do know that when I remember dreams, it means that I’m not sleeping deeply enough – and that this is a sign of my ongoing PCOS symptoms.  It’s little wonder I regularly have a nap on one of the days of the weekend!

I wish everyone a wonderful weekend!

Foxy

Monday after the weekend before

This past weekend was spent cleaning, washing the clothes, cooking and sleeping.  I finally feel refreshed after sleeping most of the day away on Sunday.  I didn’t get up until after 10:00 and even had an afternoon nap for almost 2 hours.  Before you think I didn’t sleep Sunday night – I went to bed a little later than usual but slept like a log.

Of course I had my usual mad dreams again.  One of them I had all sorts of my ex-husband’s stuff and I was giving it away to some debt collectors/loan sharks when I saw his niece.  There seemed to be more than one person after her and as I was about to offer my assistance, she pulled out a gun, put it into her mouth and pulled the trigger.  It was awful.  As I woke up I said to her that she felt like a daughter to me – even though she doesn’t and I knew it wasn’t entirely true.

I think some authors/musicians use drugs to add a bit of surrealism to their writing.  I don’t need anything other than a good night’s sleep!  Last night’s dream was just as vivid.  I was looking and looking for a place that had a toilet.  At this point in the afternoon I can’t quite remember what else happened but I did leap out of bed first thing and went to the toilet.

Everyone at work seems to be organising holidays.  I’m trying not to get jealous.  I just don’t think I can afford to get away.  I do get disheartened with the thought of it.  Before I get to get away, I still need to apply for my British Passport (which ought to cost a lot of money).  I do have a small nest-egg at the moment but am uncertain as to what I should spend it on – the car (which needs a bit of work), the plumbing (which may or may not need some work doing), or the fridge (which has started beeping at me – so I presume it needs a bit of work too).  No, I may try and put off getting my British Passport at the moment.  I have to get my priorities right and getting away isn’t high on the list when my obligations are weighing me down.  BUT at the same time I’d love to chuck it all in and go away for a weekend in France again.  Unfortunately, I’m not that kind of girl.  I’m far too sensible.

My monthly cycle is moving onwards, as always.  I have been experiencing intense PMT this month.  I HATE it when Helios is behind me drying the dishes, and he reaches over my shoulder to get the next plate.  I know it’s bad when I just want to snap off his arm like a toothpick.  Not that I’d ever do it, or manage it for that matter, but the wanting is a very bad thing indeed.  I’ve therefore started taking Milk Thistle again.  What a relief.  Today I’m full of the joys of spring.  I’m pleasant to be around and happy to be at work (on a MONDAY of all things)!  Now I know my mom doesn’t like the fact that I love Milk Thistle (she’s read that it’s good for your liver and has nothing to do with PMT) but it does help me cope with my emotions.  Of course, on the other hand, it could be that I need a different kind of birth control pill…  I’ll get around to asking my doctor next time I pop in.

My blouse smells of bacon.  When Helios did the ironing on Sunday afternoon he left all the tops out and they picked up the bacon smell when I was making dinner on Sunday night.  All morning I’ve been sniffing things trying to work out what that smell is and when I finally realised it was ME, well I was not impressed.   It’s a little like wondering who’s trodden in dog poo when you discover that it’s you.  At least dinner was nice: bacon and prawn (brown) pasta with lots and lots of vedge in the sauce.  I’ve got it again for leftovers tonight.

On the bright side, I’ve re-discovered that it’s a small world after all.  I’ve finally been here long enough to run into people who have met my friends from places I used to work and, probably because I work in town now, I’ve been running into people I used to know.

I had two squares of dark, no sugar chocolate at around 10:00 this morning and I’m flagging now.  I’m wondering if it’s the chocolate that’s made me feel like this or if I’m coming down with something (?)  I expect it’s the former because I’ve gone a little woolly headed and feel slightly drunk – a sure sign that I’ve had too much sugar/caffeine.  I’m also yawning and wanting to curl up under the desk for a nap.  The main problem with feeling like this is that, if I were normal, I would reach for a cup of coffee or a bar of chocolate – for a quick jolt.  I can’t do that.  I usually just sit it out.  Luckily I don’t have the kind of job where I’m being watched every second so if I feel a little odd, I can just get on with it.  Or is the cause something to do with my hormones and/or PMT?  Sometimes identifying the source of the problem is as difficult as finding a solution!

The funny thing is that at the weekend, because I get so dog-gone tired of eggs every morning, I’ve taken to having beans on toast for breakfast.  Now, if I’m being particularly strict, I don’t have it because it’s mostly carbohydrate but it hasn’t seemed to effect me.  Of course that’s not now stopping me wondering why I feel odd this afternoon.  Surely my breakfast on Saturday and Sunday isn’t affecting me now.  It must be the two squares of chocolate (no, I didn’t even get to enjoy a whole bar) I treated myself to this morning.  Now, there is a certain logic to having another piece.  For example, and even though I’m not ravenously hungry, I could have another piece or two because I’m already feeling odd and it won’t make me feel better but it would be nice to have.  I won’t have another piece, but I am tempted.

There was snow on the ground this morning.  Well, when I say snow, there was almost a quarter of an inch that made the roads extremely treacherous because no one knows how to drive on snow here.  I had no problems getting to work because 1) I wore my snow shoes and 2) my walk to the station was pretty clear.  It was a bright sunshiny day here and the snow has all melted.  Now that’s my kind of snow.  It makes a brief appearance and makes me smile and then goes away again without being too scary.  Soooooooo much better than having to shovel it!

Foxy

More Dreams…

Once again, I’ve had unexplainable dreams.  Last night’s episodes  include a sofa that I was trying to re-upholster with blue, yellow and red sheets of A4-sized plastic which wasn’t an easy or logical task!

I also had a bike ride to a shelter where an ex-boyfriend (let’s call him Chicago) kissed me.  Kissing someone else in a dream was odd because there was no emotion attached to the action.  None whatsoever.  I didn’t like it.  I didn’t dislike it.  It was just there.  I will say that afterwards I felt guilty and wondered what I would tell Helios but I got back on my bike and rode off past many more bikers waiting to go off the off-ramp on the motorway /highway/ place where you’re not supposed to ride your 10 speed!  I think I must have realised that it was a dream and that kissing someone else doesn’t count if you don’t really enjoy it in a dream.  Or does it?  Helios, can I get a ruling here?

In another part of my dream I was riding in a horse-drawn carriage – and although it sounds romantic, I was looking at a horse’s butt.  I don’t know how I got from the bike to the horse but the view was better on the bike.

Also, I kept hearing Alanis Morrisette but it wasn’t a specific song of hers – it was more her voice signing four words over and over again.  Of course I’ve forgotten what the words are now.  I expect they must not have been that important.   It does mean that I’ve got “Head over Feet” on my mind today, which is enough to keep a smile on my face all day.

Foxy

Stranger and stranger

I’m hoping that the utter weirdness of my dreams is currently due to my monthly visitation – because if not, it might be a sign that I’m going completely mad.

For instance, Monday night I dreamt that I was at work and all of us girlies burst into song.   Tuesday night I was searching several floors of a large building to find a toilet.  This morning I woke up before the alarm and didn’t really remember anything but then fell back asleep for the 20 minutes or so that Helios has for his daily “Zen breakfast”.  Well, in that time I dreamt an entire episode of Dr Who.  All the usual suspects where there – the Doctor, Rose Tyler (yes, I know she left a few seasons ago) and a time travelling adventure that left me feeling slightly sad.  There was even a song I woke up trying to remember – something about Romeo and Juliette.  As always the dream was painfully detailed and vivid.  Today I’m drifting through the hours wondering occasionally if this is the dream and the rest of me is in some alternate reality watching Dr Who and trying to find a place to pee.  (!)

These past few days (during the day I mean) the weather has been amazingly sunny and breezy.  The sunshine is of a light that I am reminded of being young and chasing cloud shadows across the fields behind my old primary school.  I practically skip down the roads in town – and I’m sure, if the locals had a mind to notice me, they’d say “there goes that mad American again!”  While the breeze is quite cutting, I don’t mind at all for the sun is shining, the birds are singing and, in my mind at least, summer is just around the corner.

I’ve not talked to my step-kids for a couple of days now but I’m not chasing them.  I’m still hoping that they’ll be available (and brave enough) to meet us in March when we go down South.  Fingers crossed!

Foxy

Another day, another dollar

Another week has slipped by without too much trouble.  I’m doing more things in the office – not just archiving and enjoying my job – which isn’t  something a lot of people can say.

I saw a couple of friends last night for a meal and a gossip.  I made a mistake though.   When one of them said “So how long have you and Helios been together?” I didn’t stop and remember  that he and I had kept things quiet at the start of our relationship – I said “Since 2006!” and the other, who had been really sweet to me through my divorce, gave me the most dirty and judgmental look ever.  At the time she warned me about getting serious with Helios too quickly.  Oh well.  I would say that all’s well that ends well but obviously that’s not taking other people (like Ramman and Helios’ ex wife) into account…

So my friends asked if I thought if Ramman (the ex-husband) was happier now.  Well, who wouldn’t be if you’re that money-orientated?  He’s got the house on the hill, antiques in every room, a Mercedes on the drive and a hand-built kitchen and new upstairs bathroom.  I suppose it depends on your definition of happiness, doesn’t it?  I wanted a husband who was brave enough to share my life.  What Ramman wanted was money.  I expect he is happy.  Luckily so am I.

These two and I have decided to grow old disgracefully together.  Whenever we get together it’s always a laugh and a half.  The disapproving one told us about the time when she was little, her grandmother came to visit and she had to share a bedroom with her.  Nan, unfortunately, snored.  So my friend got up in the night and touched Nan’s shoulder saying “Nan, you’re snoring.”  Nan said to my friend, “Piss off!” and remembered nothing about it in the morning!

My girlfriends and I have organised to get together again in two weeks time to see a play about the history of underwear.  It should be quite an evening!

The only other news of note is my time with Helios’ son, Apollo.  He’s impressed me no end.  It’s his half term school break this week and we’ve been chatting on an IM site, perhaps a bit more than usual.  He seems a thoughtful and cautious boy.  Well, I say boy, he is 18 and therefore nearly a man – and I’m sure he is a man in his own mind.  Every time I sign off I say “Thanks for chatting to the oldies.”  The most recent time I’ve chatted to him he gave me a compliment: he likes chatting to me because I make him think.  He likes his synapses working.  High praise indeed from one so young and thoughtful!

His sister, Maia, hasn’t been on line as much to us, but as I say I don’t want to pressure either of them into a relationship with us.  It’s always better to start gently.  If I punished them for not paying me attention, they’d never want to pay me any attention!

All this chatting and messaging has left me desperate to see them in March.  I go over and over what  I should say first “I’m petrified to meet you” springs to mind but I’ve also considered “I’ve missed you”.  I can’t help but wonder if they’ll feel ridiculous if I grab them and hug them:  I expect they might not be as tactile as I am – or might just be embarrassed to get a bear-hug from a Little American!  I really don’t want to make them uncomfortable.  I suppose the best way to know is to ask them if I can hug them – once I know that I’ll see them of course.

I want them to know that I love them already.  I won’t judge them.  I won’t criticise them (or I might just by simply raising an eyebrow and saying “Are you sure you want to do that?”).  I consider them to be part of my English family.  Perhaps not related by blood but related by love – and what’s more important than that, eh?

Foxy

Tales from Beautiful England

It’s raining here again.  I really shouldn’t complain: at least it’s not snowing BUT there are times when I wish it would stop!

The weekend, once again, was very relaxing.  I did the laundry, went to the grocery, cooked and cleaned.  I also had a bit extra sleep on Sunday: I tend to fall asleep at 11:30 to midnight and I’m getting up between 7:30 and 8:00 at the weekends.  I suppose that’s technically enough sleep but with the extra dreams I’m having I don’t always feel rested in the morning.

For instance, I woke up this morning after another vivid dream.  I dreamt that Helios and I had a little girl.  She had beautiful red hair and grey/green eyes but she had my smile.  We were all trying to live in our tiny flat.  Helios and I were sleeping in the living room and our girl had the bedroom.  One more person is too much for our flat.  No matter how gorgeous she is.  In the dream I was struggling to keep on top of things: the place was dusty, I was worried about her schooling and I was tired from working full time as well.  I seem to remember not being able to find clothes for work.  I found a grey top with blue and purple polka dots and I was looking for my purple trousers but, of course, I don’t have clothes like that.  Perhaps I was overwhelmed with the laundry at the weekend?  No.  I think it might have been because I was sorting the socks and folding the underwear just before Helios and I came to bed.  As for the little girl – I don’t have the foggiest idea why I was dreaming of children. She chased after Helios as only a little girl who loves her father would.  It was lovely to watch.

Also I had an electronic chat with my friend J at Autoimmune Life at the weekend.  She sounds like she’s run off her feet, but at least she’s getting somewhere.  It must be so rewarding to spend time with her step kids, even if she can’t see them as often as she might like just yet.  They seem to be doing well now that they have regular contact with their father and their mother sounds content that they’ll be looked after when they visit J.  If only I could get my family life that sorted!

With Helios beside me, as well as chatting electronically, I asked Apollo if he would be free to visit when we go down to Helios’ home town.  Apollo said yes but then warned that he’s been told he’s not always good with people.  Now, I cannot imagine who could have told him that because I like him already.  I made a joke of it but will leave my guard up just in case he makes an off-colour remark.  I find it odd that he would say something like that though – I think we seem to get on OK already.  I wonder where he gets the idea that he’s hard to get along with.  Nevertheless, I’m really looking forward to meeting him.  At least I got a positive response.   All I have to do is remind him nearer the time and get some contact details so that we can organise ourselves properly on the day.  One step closer.  Again, I won’t get my hopes up too much just in case he loses his nerve and I certainly won’t hold it against him later on if he does.  At least he now knows that we’re keen to see him!

Then of course, as we’re chatting away Apollo says “I want to get a motorcycle.”  Now, if you’re a parent, this is probably one of the worst things you can hear.  It’s got to be right up there with “Can I get some more needles for my habit please?” or “Bungee jumping is perfectly safe.”  Helios simply said “You’re not getting one,”  to which Apollo replied “You can’t stop me.”  Trouble is that I can see the situation from both sides: on the one hand Helios has to remember that Apollo is 18 and has his own ideas of what he wants to do with his life.  On the other, there really are safer ways to travel and if you muck up your health then your whole life just gets tougher.  So there’s me watching this conversation unfold and wishing I had the courage to knock their heads together.  Apollo, if you ever read this, I will not give you my blessing for getting a motorcycle.  However, realistically, please  please please reassure me that you will always drive safely – every single moment.  Also, that you will always wear appropriate protective gear – no matter how hot and lovely the weather.  If it were up to me you’d be in a nice big Volvo Estate with lots of safety equipment around you but I realise that the choice isn’t up to me.  We care so much about you, I’d hate for something bad to happen to you.  I’ll stop clucking now.

I bumped into another old friend on the way into work this morning.  I had the experience of filling her in on all the gossip: the divorce (which she knew), Helios and the wedding (which she didn’t know), and she asked if I’d had children.  She looked disappointed when I said no.  I would have been offended had it been anyone else but she and I used to have serious heart to hearts about life years ago, so her reaction was to be expected.  I suppose it’s a reaction that I’ll have to get used to as I get older because everyone else seems to have children.  The general public, I think, expects women to have babies and obviously ask questions if they don’t.  I don’t want to get into the miscarriages and endometriosis in the middle of the street when it’s raining.  Am I thinking too much about what other people think?  I suppose I’m trying to find a good answer to the question so I don’t get asked again.  How about “I like kids but couldn’t eat a whole one”?  Hopefully I’ll get to see her soon and I can hear all about her kids and any other gossip that’s worth having…

Foxy

Springing?

My walk to work has finally started to feel as though the seasons are turning.  It’s not British Summertime yet and I’m already walking to the train station in the sunshine.  When I say sunshine I mean at least it is light even if it’s not bright sunshine behind the clouds and rain!  However, the clouds and rain don’t get me down.  The spring bulbs are beginning to push their way to the light and awakening that happy summertime place in me at the same time.  I cannot stress enough just how lovely it is to walk to the station every morning and appreciate everything we have.

In the evenings it is finally light enough that the street lamps haven’t come on when I leave the office for the train.  Funny how something as ordinary as light is so fundamental.

Although my dreams weren’t so bad last night, I’m tired and woolly headed today.  In fact, I’ve been a bit woolly headed for a little while now.  It usually happens in the middle of the afternoon.  I still take Metformin religiously every morning but regularly forget in the evenings.  So, in an effort to feel better, I’ve started taking the Metformin again in the evenings.  However, I still cannot quite work out how Metformin works with my body chemistry.  I expect I’ll have to get retested soon because there are days when I’m walking down the stairs and I worry about falling down.  I’m waiting for my probation period to end before I do anything because I really don’t want to lose this job.  I’m terrified that if they think I’m unhealthy they’ll decide not to keep me – and I really cannot afford another year like last year.  Oh sure, I managed to survive it and keep the flat going but the stress of it was terrible.  Luckily I’m over half way through my probation period now, so I’ll get it sorted as soon as possible.

The good news is that I’m finally in a job where I can easily get through what I need to in a day and remain calm about it all.  Stress and a woolly head do not mix!  It’s on days like today that I’m grateful that I don’t have a more stressful job.  The people here are warm and friendly and seem supportive to one another.  It is such a relief to be in the routine of coming to work and not dreading it.

I wonder sometimes if I’m mistaking my woolly head for fatigue.  It’s difficult to know sometimes if I’m simply tired because I never seem to drift off well.  I never seem to sleep very long and, because I remember so many dreams, I know I don’t get very restful sleep.  Strangely enough, I tend to feel fine by the time I get home.  I wonder if that’s a clue?  I’ll get it sorted soon enough.

Foxy

Busy busy busy

Work has been incredibly busy these past couple of weeks but life is generally moving forward.  I’ve been fretting about my outgoings this month: my plumbing work has been done; I had corroded pipes and water tank – and this has been replaced with very little disturbance to the loft hatch.  I’m very happy with the work that’s been done.  The price was expensive but I was expecting it to be worse.  So, I’m actually happy with the result.   I’ve also had my car serviced and got the MOT done for this year.  I still need to buy car tax for the next 12 months before the end of March.  It sounds very expensive but is a good thing.  I’m currently trying to work out if driving or catching the train is more financially efficient for me.  My current train ticket runs out on 25^th – and just before I’m off to see Helios’ family – so I’ll try driving for a month or so and see how it affects my bank balance.  At the moment I pay just over £3.00 per day on the train and the park and ride is £6.00 a week.  (!)  It should be an easy choice but then there’s petrol and wear and tear to consider…

I’m also hoping to get a haircut and colour before we go down to see Helios’ kids.  I’m not sure that Maia will meet us but I’m fairly certain that Apollo will.  Maia hasn’t been on line as much as Apollo and it’s a little harder to tell what someone is thinking if they’re not communicating.  But she’s not been on line as much because she’s focusing on her school work (a very good reason) and still might make time for us?  However, I think Apollo sounds keen enough to meet me and I’m looking forward to buying him a coffee.  As nervous as I am, I’m counting the days.  I think I’ve made it obvious that I’m wanting to make a good impression (thus the haircut and colour, among other reasons) and I think he is as well.  He’s on line to us a few times a week now and regularly tells us what he’s up to – what he’s cooking in class and that he goes to parties at the weekend.  He sounds like a genuinely nice kid – although I am at pains not to call him “boy” or “kid” too often.  You don’t appreciate being called “boy” or “kid” when you’re 18 and think of yourself as an adult already!

Apollo has also told us that he’s planning on joining the Army after his catering classes.  As terrified as I am about any family member in the forces, I know it will be good for him and I’m hoping he doesn’t get into too much mischief if he’s catering in the kitchens.  Funny thing is, he sounded a little uncertain that they would take him when he told me about it.  I expect he’ll gain in confidence once he is taken on and is put through his paces.

The weather has taken a decidedly spring-like turn and I felt so happy this morning that I put a dress on!  (Mother, please try not to faint!)  I presume you know the feeling when you wake up and the sun is shining, the birds are singing.  All is right with the world.  I’m not even worried about money just at the minute, even though I’ve used all my savings to pay for the plumber and towards the car.  I expect I’ll be able to save enough as and when I can for the next crisis.  Of course my finances would get a lot easier if I won the lottery, but that’s not likely to happen so I’ll just have to be happy with what I’ve got.  Speaking of what I’ve got – I finally got around to selling my wedding band from my previous marriage.  It wasn’t worth much and it was just taking up room.  I got £20 – which, considering it was only 9 karats, I think was pretty good.  I was thinking of putting the money towards a take-away but, considering the last haircut I got was probably in June of 2009, and I’m keen to make a good impression; I’m getting a bit desperate for a haircut so I’ll do that instead.

I had my period again last week.  I’ve had worse.  Considering I do all this walking (to and from the train stations) I think I coped with it very well.  I managed to cope with the pain by taking  paracetamol and ibuprofen.  I was a bit woolly-headed again by the end of the week and I was grouchy this weekend (Sorry Helios!) thanks to the painful knots in my back and right shoulder.  Luckily Helios has extra-strength painkillers that I sometimes take when I feel fraught from pain.  I had more than one this weekend but am starting to feel better now.

Work is still going well.  My probation period ends on 4^th April officially but I already feel like part of the furniture.  Also, it’s nice to be in a job where I can talk about all the funny things Apollo says to us of an evening.  I’ve made the situation out to be one of “I see them regularly.”  So, it’s not such a shock when I wind up talking about them from time to time.  Of course, I’ve not mentioned that I’m just about to meet them for the first time.  I just don’t fancy the questions that would ensue from that statement…

Foxy

More Updates

I spoke with Ramman last night.  He’d left a message to say that he’s put his big house on the market and wanted to tell me himself.  He’s planning on moving closer to London now that he works mainly in The City  – he said that the commute has been  terrible.  I figure if he has the money, go for it.  For me, this means that I probably won’t see him again unless he and I organise a coffee-date.  Of course, he didn’t tell me who the estate agents are, but I know him well enough to have found the house on the website with no problems at all.  I was expecting him to be asking slightly more for it.  Considering the years of hard work, grief and the loss of a marriage, I still don’t think it was worth it.  I’m still delighted with my life with Helios. There’s nothing Ramman can do about it now.  He’s better off nearer London and closer to a decent social life where he can meet people, and possibly someone new.  I would say I wish him all the best but really I wish he could find a woman who is as mercenary as he is.  I know that sounds catty but I expect he’d be happy with that.

In other news, I’m counting down the days until I get to meet my step-kids.  I’ve got some hair dye and Helios has agreed to colour my hair this weekend, and I am desperately hoping that my hair-dresser  friend will be free to do cut my hair next week.  Fingers crossed!  Then I think I’ll finally be ready.  It’s been a fretting a few months and I expect I’ll need oxygen on the day but I’m excited now.  I’m a little surprised I’m not more worried, but we all seem to get on so well while we’re MSN chatting that I’m sure things will be awkward but good.

One of the gals in my office became a Grandmother this week.  She’s been told that being a Grandmother is better than being a mummy but, if you think about it, I’ve got the perfect Mummy situation: no sleepless nights (which isn’t entirely true because I have sat up nights wondering what I should say  to them about when I do meet them), no worry about schools, no running around trying to find them clothes that fit, no wondering if they’re turning into bottomless pits when they eat, no trips to the hospital when they fall out of trees, no slamming doors when they don’t have the right pencil for school and no discussing the birds and bees.  I’ve just got the plusses: I’ve kept my figure (a BIG plus), I’m still young enough to be considered trendy (I hope!), and I’m trustworthy enough to be considered a friend (eventually).  Sadly, I didn’t have the honour of seeing them grow up, but at least I know them a little bit now.

Helios’ mum is getting out some photographs for us to look through and take back home with us.  We’ve both asked for some of the kids as well – it would be nice to have their photos around the place.  Which reminds me, I need to warn Maia and Apollo that I might be armed with a camera when we see them.  No point in going all that way and not getting some photos!  Now I know how my mom feels – the way she chases after me with a camera when I’m home again!  Mom, I’m so sorry I ever complained.  You forgive me, don’t you?

Foxy

An eventful weekend

I’m absolutely delighted with the results of the recent vote.  You know the one I mean.  I expect most of the Republicans out there are being harbingers of doom, saying that the whole healthcare system will fall apart, but why should anyone be exempt from healthcare because they have an existing condition?  To my mind, logic dictates that you pay (either by way of taxes or by way of insurance) for health cover and then you get treatment when you need it.  Society must find a way to protect the weak while not overburdening the healthy and capable.  Obviously the current system is not effective.  I know far too many people who suffer chronic illnesses who have to discuss with their doctors which medications they can afford to take.  Can you imagine that?  Knowing there are medications out there but having to choose only a few – you have to choose the symptoms you would most like to treat but still suffer the rest.  I have that problem too but the cause is treatments for the chronic conditions I have tend to adversely affect my other chronic illness, not because I cannot afford treatment.

What happens if you cannot work because of your illness and you cannot afford the medications you require?  How long would it take for me to go bankrupt and lose my house and live in a cardboard box?  Would I be able to impose on family or friends instead of living in a cardboard box?  How will I ever find work if I live in a cardboard box?  Why should I have to pray that I don’t get a long drawn-out illness simply because I don’t want to be a burden on my family?  How can society tolerate such treatment of the weak?  These questions never cross my mind in England.  Oh sure, there are issues with new or experimental and expensive drugs, etc.  however, by and large everyone is covered and I get treatment when I need it without stopping at the receptionist afterwards to pay a bill.

On this side of the Atlantic…

The church yard’s crocuses have given up and are wilting back into the soil, and so it goes.  But, as is the natural progression of things, the daffodils are in bloom.  Funny how I didn’t even notice them last week, but they’re here now and seemed to smile at me as I passed.  Or maybe that’s just my imagination again?

Helios coloured my hair again and I’m really pleased with the results.  Normally he just squirts it on and gives me a little massage but this time I got a brush to help things along and my sides look brilliant.  I love the colour because it’s close to my natural colour – a reddish brown.  I’ve gone with this colour so many times before that no one seems to notice (except for me) when I’ve had it done.  In short, I’ve got a bit more confidence, which was the whole point of the exercise just before I meet Helios’ kids.

I also saw briefly some old friends this weekend.  As well as discussing Ramman’s plans for his house-sale and where he’s moving to, I told them that I have step kids and that I’m finally going down South with the intention of meeting them.  I will see them again over the Easter break and will let them know how I got on.

In the meantime, contact with the kids has dropped off dramatically and I am now starting to wonder if meeting them will go ahead at all.  Normally we hear from Apollo on a Friday or Saturday night but we haven’t heard from him in a little while now so I’m hoping that he’s just focusing on his coursework rather than avoiding us.  We’ve tried to message Maia but she just comes back with “busy with coursework at the moment” and so we’ve been giving her some space too.  I wish we could tell them that we don’t have to meet if it’s going to make their lives awkward.  I would tell them that we can wait for face-to-face contact when they’re happier about the idea.

I can’t help but suspect that their mother may be the cause of this silence, but am not able to ask them if their mother knows that they’ve contacted me and Helios.  If they haven’t told their mother all about us, I’d be in the position of having to tell them that they really ought to tell her.  It’s not right to tell them that it’s OK to lie.  No matter what happens, I can’t say that she’s been a bad parent – they both seem like such good kids.  Therefore, I would have to say that they ought to respect her wishes – at least while they live at home with her.  Perhaps when they get a little older and are still curious then we can get together and (hopefully) they won’t feel guilty about any possible disloyalty to their mother.  That’s the trouble with being a kid in a single-parent home: no matter what is happening around you, you wind up feeling slightly guilty about being disloyal.  I suppose, no matter how you handle any given situation, you’re bound to disappoint one of your parents.  I really don’t want to put that kind of pressure on them.

Of course, it could just be that all the chatting to us has left them a little behind in their coursework and they’re also probably busy planning things for Maia’s birthday (25^th March).  Perhaps I’m fretting again over nothing – and I’m sure Helios would agree with me that it wouldn’t be the first time.  (!)

In other news, my washer/dryer has broken down.  The good news is that I have an extended warranty on the appliance so it shouldn’t cost a lot – if anything at all.  The bad news is that I may want to go to the laundrette before the weekend.  Helios has cheekily suggested we bring our washing with us and impose on his mother but I wouldn’t feel right doing that.  I’m sure she would say it’s not a problem but there is something to be said for taking the things to the laundrette and have it all going all at once and then having it all done all at once.  There’s a laundrette down the road from my office so I can bring in a load or two and take it home if I drive to work.  Bearing in mind that my train ticket runs out on Thursday this week, I’ve asked for a parking space on Friday which should, with any luck, mean that I can do a little laundry during the day Friday if necessary.  So even though the situation is covered, I am just a little stressed about it.

Finally, I had another strange dream last night.  I was in the bath as naked as a naked person could be.  As naked as I was, I wasn’t bothered or self-conscious.  I had an audience (at least two people but I don’t know who they were) and I was playing my brown towel like it was a harp and it was making a nice sound like a harp.  Since I always like to try and work out the psychology (if any) behind my dreams, I’ll give this one a go: I’m feeling confident – even with no clothes on.

Stay healthy

Foxy

Good news!

We caught up with Apollo last night so now we’ve organised meeting up for coffee on Sunday and we’ve exchanged mobile phone numbers, in case we’re running a bit late or whatever.   I’m relieved that he still seems keen.

We’ve not heard from Maia but, as it’s her birthday weekend, she might not want to spend it with “the olds”.  I’m temped to send her a carefully worded email, just to let her know that we’re thinking of her and that we’re meeting Apollo – if she’d like to come along.  If not, Apollo has our contact details and she can always text us that weekend, if she’d like to see us and if she’s not too busy with friends.

I’ve found that I’m not sleeping well at the minute – I suspect it’s because I lay in bed awake at night thinking about possible conversations with Apollo and Maia.  Helios hasn’t been sleeping well recently either.  He’s also remembering his dreams – one was that Maia and I were trapped in a house that was being broken into.  Another was where he was in our bed but unable to move.  This, to my untrained mind, indicates stress – which is perfectly natural since he’s going to be seeing his kids for the first time in a very long while.  I expect he’ll go back to sleeping like a log after this weekend but will be keeping an eye on him to be sure.  It could also be due to his sinuses – he wasn’t exactly quiet last night while I was wide awake and pondering what to say when…

In the meantime, my washer/dryer will be seen by the menders on Tuesday next week.  They could do it sooner but I’m not working Monday or Tuesday next week anyway.  I didn’t want to take extra holiday just to meet some idiot who will only look at the thing and rub his chin and say “We’ll have to order the parts for that – shouldn’t be more than 4 weeks!”  I keep preparing myself for the worst so that I’ll be happy when it’s a minor fault and won’t take any time at all.

Foxy

Apollo and Maia’s Weekend

We arrived in the South West on Saturday at lunchtime and spent the afternoon with Helios’ parents.  The main subject of conversation was Apollo and Maia and details of the dim and distant past.  For the sake of Apollo and Maia, I won’t go into details.  I will say that I will reserve judgment for their sake as well.

Helios and I had some time alone as well.  We had dinner Saturday night and breakfast together Sunday.  We had organised with Apollo to meet him (and perhaps his sister too) between 1:30 and 2:00 p.m. on Sunday.  There was an inevitable toing and froing of times and places but we finally saw him in front of the Disney store by the sundial.  He looks like a skinny, blond version of his dad – they both have beautiful green eyes.  He said that he’d been up all night at a friend’s house and hadn’t been home yet.  I know my mom would have gone mad with me if I behaved in such a way but he didn’t seem to care.  I can’t condone it but I know my rebellious side was still in full swing by the time I was 18.  The fact that he had been awake for so long means that he did look a little worse for wear.  I promptly forgot to take any photos (possibly subconsciously?) because I knew he’d been up for so long and partly because I didn’t want to scare him off.

The plan was to go and get a coffee but he didn’t fancy it so we started walking.  At first it felt a bit awkward but the longer we walked, the more comfortable I felt.  We wound up in a bookstore where we passed books back and forth saying you should read this one or you should read that one.  It was a lovely experience.  I couldn’t help but think that he likes me and was trying to impress me.  At one point he said something about 19 syllable words so I looked at him and said “antidisestablishmentarianism” and he said “That’s the largest word in the English language.”  Yes.  I was impressed.  I hope when Apollo realises that this is a compliment indeed because I have high standards, bearing in mind he’s Helios’ son.  I had high expectations.

Apollo impressed me and then proceeded to disappoint me.  He doesn’t seem to have the confidence in himself that I instinctively have in him.  It struck me after he said it but he’s unsure if the Army will have him.  I think they’d be crazy not to take him.  He’s young, fit, driven and works hard.  It would be good for him to gain the confidence he’s lacking and I think the Forces can give him that.  Now all I have to do is pray that he will get into the kitchens and not be in the line of any fire…

We passed Apollo Maia’s birthday card and some painfully sour sweets.  Unfortunately she didn’t come out but we have positive news there – see below.

The three of us talked and walked for a good three hours.  Helios wasn’t expecting us to spend quite so much time together but it was a good experience and I didn’t really want it to end.  Despite the rain, it was just lovely.  When all the shops closed we parted company.  I gave him a big hug and squeeze.  As much as I wanted to say many many things that day, all I managed was whispering “It’s good to meet you,” when I hugged him.  Funny, now I can’t remember if his arms were around me too.  I don’t suppose that matters.  He’ll get a hug from me if he likes it or not.  Later that evening I sent him a text to thank him for coming out and to send love to his sister.  It’s a polite thing to do and I tend to do it a lot.  He replied politely saying “Ditto and will do”.

I wasn’t expecting to hear from him again that weekend but Helios received a mobile text message about the painfully sour sweets.  Consequently, there was yet another conversation that was had that night which consisted mainly of “I’ve lost the skin on my tongue” and “Why did you have so many?”.  I was immediately delighted that contact obviously wouldn’t stop just because we’ve finally seen him.

As I’d feared, Maia didn’t make it but I’m sure we’ll see her on our next trip down.  I can’t say I’m not disappointed but I’m delighted that she’s still keen to meet us.  Since the weekend, we’ve been in touch with her a few times.  I hope that we will get the chance to see her next time we’re down.  In the meantime, I’ve got the gossip that she’s had a good 17^th birthday.  I know she and Helios have messaged each other since as well and I’m just delighted that contact with the both of them will continue.

Foxy

Almost Easter

One of the many good things about living in the UK is the amount of “Bank Holidays” we get.  These are public holidays that are given as free and don’t effect your holiday entitlement.  For Easter Weekend, we get two – Good Friday and Easter Monday.  It’s nice to look forward to a couple of short weeks.  The weather here is meant to be howling wet and cold but when the sun is shining it’s difficult to believe that the weather is going to be wretched.  Having said that, it has been snowing in Scotland and Ireland which is quite a surprise considering the time of year!

Normally Easter celebrations in this country consists of a large meal with family and exchanging chocolates.  However, I did see an advertisement on the TV yesterday saying how it would be a good idea to give gifts as well.  (!)  Honestly, can’t the toy companies do something to curb their greed?  When I was little Mom hid sweets around the house for me to find.  It was a treasure hunt and I loved it.

Easter for me this year and considering my previous long weekend, will consist of spring cleaning.  Well, first I have to get over this streaming cold that Helios kindly shared with me.  (!)  As always, Helios is looking after me.  We now have plenty of menthol-everything in the flat and lots of day/night time cold/flu medications.  Last night I got home and there was chicken soup with bacon, leeks and garlic waiting for me.  We’re due to have leftovers tonight.   I’m also looking forward to seeing how he’s got on with the bit of DIY I asked him to tackle…  More on that later.

Helios and I had another long chat with Apollo last night.  I asked him when he was finishing his catering course and he said “soon” so I mentioned that it would be nice to see him again before he ran off and joined the Army.  I told him to get some dates for when he’s planning on applying, etc.  I mentioned that there isn’t much point in us planning on coming down specifically to see him for his birthday (or just after) if he’s going to be somewhere else by then.  He didn’t say much after that but I’m hoping he’ll take it that we’re keen to see him again and don’t want to miss him for no good reason.

I’m hoping to chat to Maia this weekend and find out how her work-placement is progressing.  She’s doing volunteer work as part of the requirements for her school.

Work is as busy as ever.  With year end and month end all coinciding at the same time, I’m doing bills until my fingers fall off.  Having said that, I’m still enjoying it: the atmosphere is so much more positive than anywhere else I’ve worked.  I am given just enough to do and have plenty of time to make sure that it’s done properly – which also gives me a confidence I’ve not felt in years.

I’m also keen to see my old friends again this weekend.  I wasn’t so keen to see them regularly when my ex was likely to be around there from time to time but now that I know he’s moving I feel more comfortable about seeing them.  I’ve known them for years and years – even my mom and sister met them during their last visit!  Helios doesn’t go around as often as I do but perhaps he’ll feel more comfortable too if we are assured that Ramman is unlikely to be there.  The best thing about this couple is that they both have children from previous marriages so I’m hoping to get any good advice they’re willing to give me about step-children.

Foxy

Last week and this

Last week I had the end of my probation meeting.  I wasn’t nervous about it at all until the morning – but I had no real reason to be nervous.  The meeting started off with my manager asking me if I liked it here and if I had any concerns.  I can’t complain.  I love the relaxed atmosphere and the workload isn’t unrealistic.  It was a good realisation that she was a little nervous about the meeting too.  The nicest thing that she said before we left the meeting was “I’m so glad we hired you!”  To celebrate my new status (i.e. a permanent employee), I went to the shops at lunchtime and got some candies.  With my new status comes benefits that I will be entitled to, but I’m still waiting on all the details from our useless HR Department.  I shouldn’t be surprised at the delay – just about everywhere I’ve ever worked, the HR function was terrible.  At least my office is pretty near perfect.  (It would be nice to have a little more money but I’m getting by…)

Last week I also started an economy drive.  My friend who works with me and has been kindly taking me home every evening (she works Mondays – Wednesdays) has again offered me a lift to work as well and this time I’ve taken her up on the offer.  By my driving twice a week I will save £60 per month on train travel, but spend only a fraction of that in petrol (I hope!  With petrol at roughly £6 per gallon = roughly $9 per gallon, there should still be a savings to be had – but not much!)  I’ve offered my friend some money for the petrol but she won’t accept and tells me she’ll dump me out of the car and not give me a lift again if I consider it.  She says that, since it’s not out of her way in the slightest, it really isn’t a problem so I shouldn’t make a big deal of it.  Well, I might not make a big deal of it but I’ll get her something nice for her birthday and Christmas when they roll around.

Bearing in mind my economy drive, I also have been keen to keep up my exercise and I’ve started getting up at the same time as Helios but I roll out of bed and onto what I’ve started to call my gym walk every morning.  I take roughly 40 – 45 minutes and walk down to my local train station and back up the hill again.  It’s taking a little getting used to – getting out of bed at 6 but I’m keen to get into a routine.  So far I’ve only missed one morning and that was due to my period being quite heavy that day.  I’m really enjoying the walks as well.  It’s wonderful to get up and hear the dawn chorus again – but at this time of year it’s amongst budding trees, lavish flowers, and colours that shine even in the gray dawn.  I was reminded of fireworks this morning with all the different colours and buds emerging indelicately from the trees.  I could almost hear the BANG!

Helios spent a good portion of last weekend scanning some photos that his mom gave to him onto his computer – mostly of him when he was little and some of Apollo and Maia when they were little.  We’ve got this lovely one of them and they look about 4 and 3 and they’re giving each other a cuddle on the couch.  Sweet.  It makes me so proud, even though they’re not mine.   I may never carry a child to term in my body but it doesn’t mean that I would ever love a kid of my own flesh and blood more than those two.  Isn’t it funny how I’ve not met them both and yet here I am talking about how I love them and am so proud of them?  I would say that I’m daft as a brush but I’m sure it’s a mommy thing – if you think about it, most mommies fall in love with their kids even before they’re born.

Seeing the old photographs has stirred some memories and I’ve enjoyed him remembering things he thought he’d  totally forgotten.  His memory is absolutely terrible for stories so when I do hear them I tend to take note so that I can tell his kids if/when they ask.  Come to think of it, Helios has a funny memory altogether: he has a photographic memory but for things he cannot control.  He doesn’t remember half of the things he’s taught (or so he says) but he can recall pages and pages of text that he’s read.  He can tell me the colour of the sun and how the light played in the leaves but then if I ask him anything about the day we were married he goes blank.  He knows he was there, obviously, but I’ll wager he doesn’t remember what our vows were or that I told him that I felt quite odd knowing I’m a step-mom now.

On the other hand, I’m gifted with a very good memory.  I think I surprised my mom with some of the things I remembered as a child over the past year or two – things that only I could have remembered because they were from my perspective.  So I could tell you parts of conversations that I’ve had over the years, I found that going through school I was better sitting and listening to a teacher than I was at reading all the books for the class, and I remember events like my sister smacking me in the face just after she was born.  OK, it was all my fault because I got my face too close to her screaming little body but I wouldn’t admit that to her when she was young.  I chalked it up to sibling rivalry and asked her if she wanted to get me upset with her when I was still so much bigger than her…

I didn’t sleep very well Monday night so Tuesday night I went to bed early (8:30!) and drifted off while half-listening to the football on the radio.  I don’t know why I find listening to the radio so relaxing – perhaps because I have to concentrate on tuning it out?  Next thing I know, I saw Helios’ candlelight and thought it was morning and tried to get up.  (Helios was having sinus pain last night so he usually pops some eucalyptus oil into our incense burner and he breathes easier.)  I managed to sleep drift off again without any effort.  I was disappointed when I awoke again in the night but didn’t know the time until I got up to have my ablutions and I nearly jumped for joy when I saw that it wasn’t quite 2:00 a.m. I climbed over Helios and back to sleep before I had the chance to worry.

Helios asked me Tuesday morning what I was dreaming because I was kicking a little and he had a hard time getting me to calm down so that he could sleep.  I could recall a couple of dreams but for the first time in a long while I feel like I got enough sleep overnight.  I remember a little bit of a large female starling with an extra long beak but not much else.  Poor guy.

Foxy

Pub quiz

Helios went to a pub quiz last night which meant that I had the whole flat all to myself.  I took the opportunity and cleaned and cleaned!  I vacuumed the whole flat – including under the bed and behind the sofa, I cleaned the bathroom, I fixed the leak in the kitchen sink, I cleaned the mirrors, I had a bit of a tidy round and threw out a load of junk that will never be missed.  I felt proud of myself by the time I finished and sat down to watch a bit of TV!

I was determined to stay awake for Helios when he came home and popped on my laptop while I waited.  I had a nice chat with Apollo at about 10:00.  I started off by asking why he was up so late and he reminded me that he “is a big boy now.”  Well, I discovered that he doesn’t get up till late so staying up well into the night doesn’t bother him.  Whereas when I told him that I tend to get up at 6:00 he was horrified!  He said “I’d die!”  I couldn’t help but laugh and said “No you wouldn’t.  You’d just go to bed earlier.”  Apollo and I also discussed politics, he has finally decided who he is going to vote for in the upcoming general election and I wanted to find out what finally made him choose…  I just love it that he and I can chat like old friends.

Helios arrived home and immediately asked me why I was still awake. (!)  Waiting up really wasn’t a chore and I prefer to see him.  We went to bed immediately and he said that he’d missed me.  Isn’t he a sweetheart?  I don’t get a lot of alone time and I normally enjoy it.  I really was too busy to miss him until I decided I was done cleaning and sat down. To be fair, I put on one of the mixed CDs he’s made me and I felt that he was with me while I was cleaning – so I didn’t suffer missing him.   Actually, I tend to miss Helios when I’m out with friends – I keep thinking “Why isn’t he with me?” and “I’ll have to remember to tell him that.”  It’s as if things don’t actually happen until I’ve had the chance to experience them or to tell him about it.

It sounds like Helios’ team did well at the quiz but didn’t manage to win.  The way he barged into the flat last night he seemed annoyed about the team’s performance  but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, eh?  Sometimes you just get unlucky with the questions.

I skipped my gym walk again this morning.  I thought about getting up but then decided against it and curled over onto Helios’ side of the bed and drifted off again.  After all that vacuuming last night, I’ve got a bit of a backache today.  Oh sure, I’ve taken some paracetamol for it but that’s not stopping the odd pain when I move too quickly or in the wrong direction.  Luckily my job does not require me to do regular heavy lifting!

I had a look at the estate agents website again to see if Ramman’s house has been sold.  It’s not.  Instead I noticed the price has dropped.  I couldn’t help but chuckle.  I know it’s a bad thing for me to chuckle at someone else’s misfortune and I’m sure I’ll get a kick from Karma for it, but I just couldn’t resist!

Foxy

A long weekend

It was a long weekend.  Maia was being a particular teenager.  She was upset that Apollo had had more time with Helios than her.  She was upset that she was initiating contact with Helios – when we know that that’s not entirely true.  She was upset with some of the things that had happened in the past like why Helios had “never bothered to get in touch”, when I know for a fact that this isn’t entirely true either.  She was being incoherent and unreasonable.  At first she was saying that she thought the relationship between her and her father would have come naturally and in the next moment she sent she said that it was little wonder she was upset and that he brought her anger upon himself.

She was even angry that I seemed to care more than her dad does – and I found myself angry at that statement.  Helios, being a typical bloke, isn’t terribly demonstrative and hates small talk, so it’s little wonder that I’m the one who makes the odd comment to her saying “What are you wearing to the party?” and “Hope you have a nice time.”  This doesn’t mean that Helios cares any less.  It just means he’s not good  at showing it.  The point is that my expectations are realistic where it comes to Helios.  I don’t ever expect him to say that he loves me – firstly because he shows me quite regularly just by being his thoughtful self (I’d rather be shown than told, wouldn’t you?) and secondly because it makes his saying “I love you” all the more special when he does.

It’s little wonder that by the end of our conversations with Maia, I was confused and wondered where all the venom had come from.  OK, I’ll grant you that I wasn’t expecting things between Helios and his kids to be smooth sailing from the start, but it would be nice to have a little warning before the knives are drawn…

I hope I managed to make some progress with Helios and Maia.  Although she’s still very upset, both of them have said that they still want to have some sort of relationship. I tried to get her to calm down by trying to get her to explain herself.  While she is a very bright kid, I don’t think she’s emotionally mature enough to point to the reason of her anger.  Of course, there might not be just one explanation and that, coupled with emotions that can be overwhelming (or at least that’s what I remember about being a teenager) leaves her confused and me totally baffled.  It would be nice to be able to help but if she’s this confused, there’s no way I’ll know where to start.

In the meantime, Apollo was unusually silent this weekend as well.  As both of their behaviour seems a bit out of the ordinary, I’m wondering if they’re suffering some stresses at home that we are not aware of.  Maybe Maia had an argument with her boyfriend and decided that all men are “pond scum” – as my mother used to say?  Maybe Apollo made his sister jealous and then stood  back and watched the fur fly?  There’s no easy way to know as Maia isn’t specific about the problems – she just keeps coming out with “and another thing!  And another thing!  And another thing!”

Due to all this stress I slept very badly last night and dreamt one of my long and involved vivid dreams about a mouse going through several tests and trying hard to pass.  I expect a psychologist would have a field-day with all my mad dreams.  I’ve also had a hard time with my food today – I’m not hungry and have to force myself to eat even though I really don’t want it.  This morning’s breakfast was particularly hard.  Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant.  It’s the stress of thinking that Maia is upset with Helios that’s put me off food.  In fact, I was so stressed for the year or so before I finally asked for a divorce that I lost a dress size.  Some people eat when they’re stressed but I do the opposite.

In other news, I’m seeing my GP again on Wednesday to have a discussion about PMT (aka PMS in the US ).  I find it difficult to control my temper (not just anger but tearful as well) for roughly two weeks of every month now.  As much as I’m happy to take Milk Thistle, I’m wondering now if I there’s any alternative and if a different birth control pill might help.  My periods don’t seem too bad at the moment, so I’m thanking whoever it was that first discovered them.  They’re not as good as a treatment targeting endometriosis, but it’s close enough for me at the minute!

Although I didn’t go on many gym walks last week, I managed my 6:00 a.m. walk today.  Normally I find it relaxing but I think I was still upset about Maia being so angry for it to keep me calm.  I hope things will quieten down again shortly.

My birthday is on Friday so Helios and I spent a good portion of Sunday baking a double-batch of peanut butter cookies.  I’ve frozen quite a few so that they’ll still be fresh by Friday.  The tradition in the UK is that you take cakes in to work for your colleagues on your birthday and in return you receive a card.  Well, everyone at work knows I used to be an American and that I have a reputation as a good cook so I wanted to treat everyone to something a little different.  Also, I just love baking with Helios.  He does all the hard work (I find stirring quite hard on the wrists if I’m not careful) and is happy to be a guinea pig.

Last week I was thinking “I need to remind Helios about my birthday” when he said to me “Your birthday is Friday next week.  I’ve found something that you’ll love.”  What a guy!

Foxy

Last week

I went out with some friends to have an early birthday celebration Tuesday evening which was very nice for me.  The major mistake I made was having a coffee at the end of the meal which I am sure had caffeine in even though I specifically asked for a decaffeinated.  I knew I was in trouble when the heart palpitations started.  As a result, I was still awake at 2:30am when I finally decided to take a sleeping tablet (Mom, don’t worry I only take them in cases of dire emergency – so far only twice in my life!) and prayed that I would get a little shut-eye before work.

The good thing about going out with friends is coming home to family.  Instead of having a fattening take-away, Helios had a very healthy salad.  I couldn’t help but be impressed.  There was enough left over for me to take as lunch the next day and I gratefully took it.

As if my evening couldn’t get better it suddenly did.  Apollo was online again and the three of us had a great chat about books and TV and our upcoming trip to Plymouth.  Helios asked him if he wanted book vouchers and he said something about us all going to the bookshop.  Well, I thought that was a smashing idea because I’m sure I’ll need his opinion on some new reading material by then.

I didn’t mention Maia to Apollo as I consider her relationship with us to be a separate matter to his relationship to us.  Maybe that was the wrong thing to do because I think they all still live under the same roof but it’s done now and I can’t go around second-guessing all my actions when it comes to Maia at the minute.  If she decides to be angry I’m sure she’ll find all the ammunition she needs without us roping her brother into the equation.  By this I mean – if she’s bound and determined to be angry, I don’t want her to be angry at her brother as well.

I got so little sleep on Monday and Tuesday nights that I went to bed at 8:30 Wednesday night and slept like a log.  Unfortunately, I was back to my usual inability to sleep Thursday night.  I laid there and thought about Maia until midnight when I got up for the toilet.  When I looked at the clock I thought “I’ll be awake until3 if I don’t do something drastic.” So I took a sleeping tablet – my second this week – and finally drifted off after perhaps another hour or so thinking about Maia and Apollo.    Does every parent have this problem or am I just not coping with the transition of becoming a step-parent?

I saw some friends from the Courts Service on Thursday night.  It was a nice night considering that the forecast was for rain.  We wound up sitting outside and I caught up with all the gossip down there.  Liz sends her regards…

Friday was my birthday.  I’m 39 and I’m not unhappy about it.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a particular problem with the thought of getting older.  However, I am more than a little surprised at how quickly 39 has snuck up on me!  Helios got me a great book and I received some lovely cards at work.

I got home that evening and, instead of Helios saying “Did you have a good day?” or “Did you enjoy your birthday?”  Instead he said “Where are your flowers??” and proceeded to stomp around the flat for a couple of hours.  Unfortunately the florist closed their offices at 6pm and Helios had to wait until the next morning to sort out the problem.  In the meantime I rang my office at about 6:30pm to see if the flowers had arrived while I was driving home.  They hadn’t.  Then the next morning Helios rang the florists who were extremely apologetic and they gave him a full refund and they sent some apology flowers.  A bit later on, I found a message on my mobile phone from someone at work, they received my flowers just before 7pm and I collected them.  I now have two bundles of flowers and Helios isn’t out of pocket.  More importantly the flowers he got me are beautiful purple irises and yellow roses.  He’s just great for remembering I like them.

I saw friends on Sunday for a couple of hours but beyond that I did nothing.  Once again, it’s a Bank Holiday weekend in England and I don’t have to go to work today.

I’m doing very well with my money at the moment.  I get paid on the last Friday of every month, which means that some months are a lot longer than others.  In fact this month I’ve had to make sure that I had enough money to pay the mortgage twice. Instead of getting my monthly payment sorted at the bank, I wanted to see if I could manage to pay the mortgage with what I’m managing to save.  Not only did I manage it but I had a little room to spare so I’ve paid another chunk off the credit card and I’ll start saving the rest (just in case the refrigerator breaks down like I think it’s going to because it’s making that funny noise again)!  I have a good incentive to keep saving, I want to go to Texas to see some old friends in December.  In the meantime I have trips to see Maia and Apollo to look forward to and it will be nice to spoil them a little when we see them in August.

Work is going well.  I had my boss in stitches on Friday.  One of the guys came upstairs and asked if my fantastic husband was a chef (as he stood munching the cookies I brought in for my birthday).  I said no but picked up his photo and said that he’s irresistible.  So as this bloke said something sarcastic and my boss said something about Helios walking down the street and this bloke swooning, I said “Look at this bloke!  He’s only human.  There no way he’d be able to resist!”  I certainly couldn’t.

Foxy

May Update

Mom asked me and I couldn’t remember if I’d said that my doctor’s appointment last week went pretty much as planned.  I went in and told her how I was feeling and what I thought the problem was.  She asked about my physical symptoms which pretty much accorded with how I’d been feeling so she put me on a different birth control.  She wants to see me again in June to check I’m taking to the new pill ok.  In the meantime, I’m to have my last period with this one.  She said I could have gone straight to the new one with no stops but I wanted the bloating and discomfort to ease before I started something new.

Although I think I slept well last night, I still had some odd dreams.  I was concerned with the traffic on the roads going to work so I went into another dimension and went roughly in the right direction thereby missing all the traffic.  It was a nice but very odd dream.  The sky was red.  I think something in my mind thought that the Earth was actually Mars?

Over the bank holiday weekend we didn’t hear from the kids, but I suppose that’s to be expected.  I’m sure they don’t want to spend hours with the oldies!  Helios sent Maia an email.  On Monday I sent both the kids a message to thank them for their kind birthday wishes on Friday and to say that I hoped they had a lovely weekend.  At the moment I’m happy that we’re doing all we can without pushing too much.  I do sometimes wish that they would contact us more often but then I don’t want to be pushy – they might resent me if I come on too strong.

Today I’m feeling decidedly periody.  I know “periody” isn’t a word in the English language but it really should be.  I managed about half of my gym walk this morning.  I’m bloated, tired, hot and woolly-headed.   Why does my period affect my bowel movements?  I mean, it could just be the chilli con veggie I had at the weekend, but I think my period has something to do with it too.   To try and settle things, I took my extra-strength anti-inflammatory this morning.  I haven’t quite started yet but expect it at any moment.    Funnily enough, my hormones haven’t been too bad this month but I chalk that up to 1) I’ve finally done something about it and it’s not going to give me a problem purposefully to make me wonder if I’ve made the right decision and 2) I’ve found a tea with Milk Thistle in that I regularly drink now and suspect that’s been a huge help in keeping my hormones balanced.  As I’m still pretty bloated, I’m going with the new pills because they’re meant to be better for the bloating as well as PMT.  Obviously we will have to wait and see what (if any) other side-effects come into play.

Bearing in mind that my last surgery was in November 2008, I am beginning to wonder about my pain levels again.  I am managing the pain with paracetamol, Mefenamic Acid and Helios’ “pink and fluffies” containing codeine some evenings.  I was hoping that the birth control pill would have made

Honestly, if I were designing a new and improved female of the species, I don’t think I’d make her life quite so difficult.  I’d imagine it’s hard enough to try to fall pregnant and then to carry and go into labour!  Ouch!  There’s a comedienne in the UK who said “I’ve been told that having a baby changes your downstairs.  Is it like putting an extension in downstairs?  I like my downstairs the way it is.”  Besides, why would I need kids of my own when I’ve got my sister (who is 12 years younger than me – so I’ve felt a bit like a mini-mommy for all that time); I’ve got Maia and Apollo and, although I’ve missed their youth, I will enjoy them as only an older sister can.  I also have friends’ kids and neighbours’ kids who I tend to spoil as and when I can.  I get all the good bits without having to discipline them!  The best bit is that I’m the one who made the decision and Helios agreed with me – not the other way around.

Home time

I went home from work early yesterday.  My stomach is doing odd things.  Well, when I say stomach I mean my bowel.  Yesterday was just hot and cold and not feeling very bright – like I’m trying to fight something off.  I had a couple of movements in the morning but then just felt like I needed to go during the day.  Although I also felt odd during the day, I still got up and did the laundry.  Last night I had a dull pain in my right side but not painful enough to think it’s appendicitis.  I did say to Helios before I went to bed early that that’s where the pain is at the moment thinking that he wouldn’t be too surprised if I had to wake him in the night.  This morning I felt OK first thing but the pain in my right side has started up again.  No.  It’s not so painful that I need to go to the doctor.  Not yet anyway.

I had a lovely emailed conversation with my baby sister yesterday.  Oh sure, she’s not a baby anymore but when you’re 12 years older than your sibling, you sometimes forget exactly how old she is and, when that happens, you are reminded of her still in diapers carrying around a bottle in her teeth.  She outgrew that a century or two ago, but it doesn’t stop me remembering that age fondly.

She sent me a link to a lecture she did and it was just great to see her.  I sat agog looking at her thinking “When did she get so big?!?”  She’s taller than I am and, because of our size difference, she was sometimes mistaken for the older sister when I was in my 20s.  Now that I’m going grey and wrinkling around the eyes, I’m sure she looks the younger one again.  As always, she was prepared, informative and seemed very natural behind a podium – not that she spent much time in one place!  I was delighted to see her in motion.  Photos are good, don’t get me wrong, but it’s so nice to see and hear someone you love in motion…  I don’t tend to get homesick anymore but I do miss my family.

As I went to bed early last night, I was awake today just before the alarm usually goes off this morning – 5:45.  I didn’t realise the time but know enough of what I’m like to get up.  Once I’m awake that’s it.  The day will start now.  Some days I take a bit longer but once I hit a threshold I’m awake and there’s no stopping me getting up.

Helios and I have a bird feeding tree in the garden but we also have a much smaller bird feeder attached to the window where the birds we call “the kids” come to grab a nut.  I think Helios is quicker than I am because by the time I hear them land and chirp, all I see is their backside as they fly away again.  Having said this, I am slightly faster because before, when I wasn’t listening for them to land, I didn’t see them at all.  Helios would say “Look quick!!” and they were gone.  Luckily a few have felt comfortable enough there to dig through the nuts and even throw a few on the ground.  (When that happens Helios tells them off for making a mess!)  As we see them so close, some of them are showing their personality which requires individual names – black cap, quiff and scruff for starters.  Quiff is so named because his feathers don’t lay flat against his head and he looks like he’s got an early Elvis hairdo.  They’re all boy birds so far too and I remind Helios to keep filling the other feeder so that we’re not missing anyone.

Once I name something my mind wanders into the realms of what they do and I find myself making up stories.  Quiff makes a living by being a bird Elvis-impersonator and sings “I’m all shook up” to his wife.  They’re paying a mortgage on a comfortable one-bedroom nest in the north end of the garden and they’re hoping to push their kids out sometime next week so they can have the place to themselves again.

Scruff works in radio announcing sports programmes.  This year he’s looking forward to announcing the World Cup in South Africa where he’s hoping that England win.  His favourite player is Wayne Rooster.  I think Black Cap works for The Queen as HRH’s chimney sweep.  He has 5 chicks with his lovely wife.

Foxy

Step-kids

We still haven’t heard from Maia.  Sometimes it doesn’t bother me that I know she’s angry because I know she’ll come back to her dad of her own accord when she’s ready; however,  sometimes it bothers me that and I feel like we blew our chance with her.  I’m not angry at her – I just wish I could help.

At least we’re still trying to keep contact going.  My logic for contacting her once a week or so is to remind her that we’re still here waiting for her without forcing the issue.  I know she wants a relationship with Helios because of all the discussions she’s had with me about it before she stopped replying.  One of the things that she said to me was that she wondered if her mum was right about Helios.  That statement has me thinking: I wonder how Helios can prove his ex-wife wrong.  The statement – amongst all the other complaints Maia made that day – made me wonder exactly what was said about Helios over the years.  Of course, it would be easier to refute the charges if I knew what they were…

I wonder what Maia was expecting when she first got in touch.  She said that she thought it would be natural and – within 3 minutes – she said that she wasn’t expecting it to be easy and it’s little wonder that she’s angry.  Now I know that she’s confused but I wonder if, amongst all the other things that are going on in her head, the reality that her father is just a bloke disappointed her.  I wonder if, in the years that they weren’t in contact, she put the memory of him on a pedestal and maybe dreamed of being rescued by a handsome red-headed man.  (Bearing in mind that her boyfriend is a red-head, I might not be entirely wrong.)  It’s no wonder she’s disappointed.  In all the books that read when I was young, the father-figure was brave, strong but sensitive and honest.  While Helios has all these traits, he’s just not very good at showing it.  He’s still very much a dad where Maia is concerned.  To him that means he has to be strong with her.  I see him as a disciplinarian.  As much as I agree that you have to be hard on kids sometimes, I also know that his kids aren’t under 10 anymore and, as they’re seeing themselves as adults, I want to try to treat them as such.  I know that I shouldn’t condone her behaving like a two year old but I know she doesn’t yet have the emotional maturity to be able to express all the feelings she’s having.  If I’m right, she has a lot of pent-up emotion that requires an out and behaving like a two year old is the only way she knows how to express herself.  I hope that, if she sees that we are serious about staying in touch with her that she will learn new, more appropriate behaviours as well as see her parents for who they are – people.

Ultimately, I still believe that she’ll get back in touch again.  It might be within a year or so if we carry on trying even if she doesn’t reply.  I expect, once she realises that the door is open and we’re waiting for her on the other side, she might be brave enough to come through again.  I can’t help but think that she’ll lose all hope of a relationship if we fail her now and it might take several years before we hear from her again.

While we still hear from Apollo, it’s not quite as often as it was before.  Last I heard from him was last week when I was off sick and he texted me during his lunch break.  We had a 5 minute conversation which made this old bird very happy.  I am presuming that he still lives under the same roof as Maia and his mother and so him contacting us can be a little awkward.  (?)  He tends to go online from his mobile phone when he’s at a friend’s house – which may or may not mean that he’s contacting us without Maia’s or his mother’s knowledge.  Either way I’m not going to ask him about it – I’m just grateful for his time!

I find it hard enough second-guessing a teenage girl, but if I tried to get into the head of a teenage boy my head may explode!   I may be wrong, but he seems to be happy with the contact that we’re having at the minute.  Consequently I’m losing sleep over Maia and not Apollo.

Someone at work said to me the other day that men are simple: they like beer, women and food.  Keep a man supplied with all three and you’ve got a happy man.  Women are more complicated and we tend to over-think things.  Am I over-thinking my situation with my step-kids?  Probably.  I’d rather know what Maia’s thinking so that we can at least keep trying to have a relationship instead of this deathly silence…  I’ll let you know anything new as and when it arises.

Foxy

Long weekend

Although I worked all week last week, I consider that my weekend started on Thursday.  I went to a hen do with some gals from work.  It wasn’t booze and a club – as the bride to be is in her late 50s she didn’t fancy anything too strenuous.  Consequently, we went to Jamie Oliver’s restaurant in town and had a lovely evening.  I had a glass of wine, some chicken with tomato, olive and caper sauce and a slice of cheesecake to top off the night.  (No, I shouldn’t have had it but I didn’t think it would be quite so large!)

Friday wasn’t too stressful at work and I finished off by going to see the HM Courts Service gang (Yes, Liz was there!) and I stayed long enough to get some decent gossip.  After my glass of water, I drove back to our village where Helios and his friend were painting the town red.  I met up with them in the cocktail bar and then took them to collect a take-away before we all piled in my car and went home to watch DVDs.  As I didn’t have a drop that night, I took Helios’ friend back to his hotel at 11:00.

So I climbed over Helios and into bed that night but he was so far over on my side that I just let him cuddle me until I got too hot.  When I tried to roll over he didn’t move so, as my backside was pressed against the ice-cold radiator, I had to give him a shove or two to get him to move.  When he finally did stir he said “mutter mutter mutter mutter JEANS!!”  Luckily he was just awake enough for me to get him to roll over to his side of the bed and I was more comfortable.

Saturday was nice.  Helios’ friend arrived at a civilised hour Saturday morning and we walked down the river into the Village where we bought some VERY sour sweets for Helios and his friend got some for his kids.  These are the same sweets that Helios gave to Apollo in March.  Apollo liked them so much (and they are so sour) that he ate too many and it made the skin on his tongue peel.  (!)

We walked back to our flat, Helios made one of his famous soups for lunch and we then sent his friend on his way home.  It was lovely to see him but I was very tired by the end of it so I had a nap that afternoon.

As usual we watched Dr Who (as expected, it was excellent) before heading out that night – we went to see a band Saturday night.  I had a great time and boogied on the dance floor to some serious Motown Sounds!  Helios sat at the table with my bag and looked grumpy.  I kept asking him if he liked it because the only clue he gave me that he was enjoying himself was when he tapped his fingers in time to the music on my leg.  I didn’t give him any grief though – I expect he was still a little worse for wear from the night before!  Poor Helios was shattered and fell asleep in the car on the way home – which is something he rarely does.  At least later on that night he didn’t try to push me out of the bed via the ice-cold radiator again!

After all that activity I was grateful for a quiet day and I made sure and got a little nap Sunday afternoon.  My mom sent some vouchers for my birthday and I took great delight in watching the first of a few films that I picked with her gift certificate.  Thanks Mom!  We saw The Marx Brothers’ film “Duck Soup” which was funny, but not as funny as I’d expected.  Although I will say that I recognised a few gags that I first saw in cartoons – which made me laugh.

While I am still a bit tired now, I’m much better off than I would be had I not managed to get a bit of extra sleep at the weekend!   I’m clock-watching today at work.  Some days I’ve got more than enough to do and some days I’m scratching around.  I’ve been online looking for anniversary gifts for Helios (not until 23^rdJune)!  I’ve found something on the slightly funny side that might get a chuckle…

I’ve been on my new birth control for over a week and so far I’ve not noticed a difference.  OK, I am extremely tired but I’m chalking that up to being too much of a social butterfly over this past weekend.  I’m still hoping that the new pills will make me feel a bit less grumpy (especially during PMT time) and much less bloated.  Fingers crossed!

Foxy

Not just a Step-Mom

Helios and I tried to contact Maia.  Although she replied to me, I’m still unsure exactly what she wants.  I think that she’s still confused but she did say that she’s not happy with a relationship and doesn’t want contact, not even with me at the very least.  As disappointed as I am, I have to respect her wishes.  I have tried to let her know that we’re still here for her no matter what and we’ll be ready for her when she next wants to try.  Of course, I’m still considering contacting her again every so often just to keep in touch – but I’ve not done anything about it just yet.  I don’t want to push her too far in the other direction…  I will admit that every time I get a notification of a new email at the moment, I get a momentary stomach-flutter and hope it’s her.

Now that things have gone quiet with Maia, but Apollo still seems ok with contact, I am managing to drift off to sleep earlier than before.  It’s so hard to drift off to sleep once I get it in my head that I want to talk to either of them.  I suppose now that I know how Maia is feeling about us (even though it’s not positive) I’ve decided to settle into the knowledge that she’s happy (when not confused) and safe.  I do hope she’ll want to try again when she gets a little older and perhaps more mature with relationships.  We can’t give up hope entirely!

In the meantime, Apollo isn’t online as often as before but we still hear from him once a week to once a fortnight.  Again, it’s a relief to know that he’s safe and happy.  I’m looking forward to August and to seeing him again.  I have been reading a series of books that he recommended and I am keen to discuss the writing with him.  He said that he identified with a particular character and, as the character becomes more prominent in the books, I have questions like why he identifies with him and at what point in the story did he realise that he’s like this character?  I’m really enjoying the books but can’t wait to start the next series Apollo recommended…

I’m sleeping a little better now – I go to bed before/at 9:30 (and actually drift off within a reasonable amount of time) and I’m awake between 5:00 and 5:30 most mornings.  Last weekend I managed to sleep in an extra hour in the morning (i.e. up at 6:20 a.m.) and considered myself lucky.  (!)  Helios seems to be able to sleep anywhere at any time and without too much difficulty getting there.  I think it must have something to do with him being ex-military.

So today, having arisen early (5:20 a.m.), I went out for my walk straightaway and jogged part of the way as I felt good about it.  The spring blossoms have shrunk and lost their glory.  I was so early this morning that I was roughly half-way through my walk by the time I normally start.  Bearing that in mind, I went a little further and part-jogged around so that I would get the full benefit of the effort.  I like the walks and having a little time to myself – I find that I wind up talking to myself all the way around.  I hope that’s not a sign of madness!

We are in full summertime flow and suffered our first heatwave of the summer last weekend.  I finally got some help with getting the summer clothes down from the top of the wardrobe and started re-filling the case with jumpers and wintery clothes.  We even had a BBQ with salads on Saturday and Sunday!  I made Helios potato salad for the first time.  I absolutely LOVE potato salad.  I seem to remember making meals of it in the summertime when I was a kid.  Hey Mom!  Do you remember making your turquoise mixing bowl full of potato salad and me demolishing it in no time at all?  Luckily Helios liked it.  He said he wasn’t expecting to but went back for seconds (which I always count as a huge compliment).  Then he requested more on Sunday!  It was so hot that I did laundry at night and put it on the line in the morning.  It was dry by the time I went to get it in the evening!  It’s so nice to let the sun do the work for you.

The forecasters have said that the weather will be going back to more seasonable temperatures so I hope that’s not the last of the summer that we’ll be seeing this year!

My office have organised a team to do the Relay for Life event in July.  The event requires participants to walk around a track/course from 12 midday on a Saturday to 12 midday on a Sunday to raise money for Cancer Research UK .  Initially I was hesitant about doing it as I didn’t want to spend my whole weekend doing it, but it turns out that I can come along and do the morning shift on Sunday.  I plan to get there early (between 6:00 and 7:00) and then take a nap later on in the afternoon at home.  In the meantime, participants are required to raise money in order to take part in the event and Helios and I got our baking gloves on last weekend.  Helios and I made some Walnut Shortbread Cookies that are SO nice!  I’ve been selling them at work to help start off the process.  As soon as I get a formal sponsorship form I’ll send some cookies to the Courts Service for Liz and the gang to contribute.  I also mentioned my plans to my mother in law who pledged £10 – I don’t know why I was surprised!  Probably because I’ve never had support for any of the charity work that I’ve done in the past from Ramman’s family, so I really didn’t expect it, even though I know how generous Helios’s mum is.  I’m really excited about it.  It’s been a long time since I’ve raised money for charity and doing it always makes me feel good.  I don’t know why I stopped but suspect it had something to do with Ramman and his greedy, mercenary, thoughtless, self-centred family…

I got back early from my walk and had an IM conversation with my friend at Autoimmune Life.  She’s still pregnant – keep praying though!  An extra prayer or two for her well-being won’t hurt! Unfortunately I didn’t get much gossip from her because I had to go and get ready for work but I’m always delighted to hear that she’s getting on well.

My new birth control pills are obviously working well so far.  No babies here!  LOL  But seriously, I have noticed my bloating has returned with my time of month impending but my mood is really good so far.  For example, yesterday at work was very hot and everyone seemed to be a bit fraught but I was my cheerful, happy self.  I sat at my desk and wondered why everyone seemed to be so cross without feeling any ill-effects of the PMT I normally expect at this time of month.  OK, I was a little grouchy on Sunday but if my PMT only lasts a couple of hours each month instead of several days, I may have an answer to that side of my health problems!

The only other thing that I’m a little concerned about is the follow up test that I have on 22^nd June after my biopsy turned up “not enough interesting things to speak of”.  I told the gang at work that it was a routine check and didn’t mention the biopsy at all.  I hope that decision (to withhold information) won’t come back to haunt me.

Foxy

Update

Helios did some laundry recently.  Now before I go into any silly mistakes made, I will reiterate that Helios is surprisingly well house-trained.  He always helps with the dishes, he irons, he’s not always tidy but I can rely on him to be clean.  So, when the odd mistake comes to light, I mention it because 1) mistakes are rare and 2) mistakes are funny.

I got back from getting the groceries and I kept hearing a loud “clunk” in the washing machine.  I asked Helios what ever could be making that noise and he just said that he scooped up the next load and plonked it in the machine.  Well, I should have known there was something other than socks and trousers in there…  Sure enough, when the load was finished I pulled out a very clean leather belt.  A good portion of the load went straight back into the washing machine for another wash with stain removers.

I finally finished the four books that Apollo recommended and have started something that just happened to be on our shelf.  It’s the beginning of the Dragon Lance series which, even though we grew up on different continents, both Helios and I read when we were younger.  Some books don’t seem as good as when you first read them (perhaps because they’re aimed at a much younger audience?) but this series is as good as I remembered.  I have ordered the rest and intend to ask Apollo would like to borrow them when we go down in August.  It would be good to see what he thinks of what Helios and I like to read!

Speaking of Apollo’s books, I really enjoyed them and I know Helios would too – when he finishes the series of books Helios reading.  Apollo says he identifies with one particular character and I’m really keen to know why.  Funny thing is that, of all the characters in those books, I’ll bet Helios will identify with the character Apollo seems to identify with too.  Like father like son I expect!  In the meantime I’m looking forward to talking to Apollo not just about the characters, but also about how the books are written and if he thinks there are any flaws.

Last week I didn’t do many gym walks.  My excuse was my incessant lack of sleep.  Sunday night I slept OK.  Monday night I drifted off OK but woke up at about 2:45 a.m. and went to the toilet and straight back to bed but I didn’t fall asleep again until about 4:00 a.m. or 4:30 a.m.  Luckily Helios let me sleep in a little – he woke me up at 7:15 – which didn’t leave enough time for a gym walk.  Little wonder that I was falling asleep on the couch at 9:30 last night.  I slept through to the alarm going off at 6:00 a.m. and just as I was thinking “I should get up and go” I drifted off again and slept until 7:00 a.m.  I’ll probably suffer a lack of sleep again tonight because I slept so well last night but I’m chalking that up to my hormones and hope that Helios doesn’t notice I’m falling apart at the seams!

Once again I had a bad night’s sleep last Wednesday night.  I seemed to take an age to drift off and then woke up with a dream in my head at 4:30 a.m.  I went to the toilet again and then back to bed where I laid and listened to the birds.  I awoke again when the alarm went off at 6:00 but drifted off quickly and slept until Helios woke me up just after 7:00 a.m.

It’s the dreams that are odd: I was on a bus and going through a village – partially over-ground and partially underground.  There was a moth flying around my legs.  I woke up when it landed on my thigh.  When I woke up, my plain white pillow seemed to have a nice small floral pattern.  My next dream involved me trying to cross a swamp and instead of walking through, I lifted my bottom and almost flew.  I say almost because my toes and ankles were getting a bit muddy but the rest of me was dry – as if I were some sort of Moor Hen or Coot!  I strongly suspect that I’m watching too many bird programmes!

Speaking of hormones and the like: I have another doctor’s appointment on 22^nd June (for my smear test) and I need to speak to my GP again about the new Pill I’m on.  I’m trying to remember all my symptoms at certain times of month.

Helios and I have been married for almost two years now.  Although I’ve found him something appropriately funny, I haven’t gotten him anything nice yet.  I have a couple of ideas though…  You know, it really doesn’t seem like that long ago that he first asked me to marry him.   We were with some old friends of mine in France .  They took us to a cider house and when the Frenchman poured the last of the cider into my mug, his wife made a funny noise along the lines of “Don’t be cheeky!”  What we didn’t know was the French Tradition for receiving the last of a bottle of cider into your mug means that you will be proposed to by the end of the day.  We all laughed and I remembered why I thought that was significant: I made the Frenchman and his wife a big lasagne the night he proposed to her and I like to think that their romance had something to do with me – I took credit by saying there was extra love in the food that night.  Then, I promptly forgot about it.  Much later that night, and when we were tucked up in bed, Helios said “If I asked you to marry me, what would you say?”  So I said “I don’t know, are you asking?”  Helios said “Yes.”  So I thought a moment and said “Not yet.”  In the pause that followed I was expecting him to say something happy but when he said nothing I explained “Not yet is a future yes.”  It dawned on him that I’d accepted.  These days we’ve been married for so long that people don’t ask how or when it all happened – which is just the way it should be.

Helios had another IM chat with Maia on Sunday.  I nearly logged on to lend my support but I thought better of it in the end: they obviously have things they need to discuss/sort out and I didn’t think that I could add anything to the conversation.  I will admit that I’m happy I didn’t chat to her because she was so rude to Helios I would have been tempted to tell her off.  I’m under the distinct impression that she only chatted to him so that she could give him some abuse.  She kept demanding he say sorry but she couldn’t tell him what he should apologise for.  She did admit to being jealous of Apollo (or rather his relationship with Helios), which I thought was a good start.    She used “colourful” language and then accused Helios of being rude.  At one point she was being particularly melodramatic and saying that she didn’t know we were coming down back in March and that she still doesn’t know when we’re coming down again and that Helios probably won’t see her anyway.  It’s all a load of rubbish because she’s angry but she’s not coherent enough to discuss her feelings rationally.  Consequently neither Helios nor I know what to do to help her.  Teenagers.  Instead of being happy for her brother and taking a leaf out of his book by trying to be civil all she seems to do is fling verbal abuse at Helios.  How is that supposed to be good for a relationship between them?

Sadly her boyfriend came on line and told Helios that he was “twisted”!   As you can imagine, that comment went over like a lead balloon.  We haven’t even met the boy!  (Aside: Mom, do you remember that horrible boy I dated who sent you that nasty letter?  I am SO glad I didn’t wind up with him!  I wouldn’t let anyone be that nasty to my family!)  After almost two hours of the emotional beating, Helios got fed up with saying “Yes I want a relationship with you but I will not be your punching bag,” and he came to the kitchen to help me with the dishes.  I got his side of the conversation while my hands were in the suds.  Helios was under the distinct impression that Maia’s mother was witness to the IM conversation but couldn’t put his finger on what or which comments were made to lead him to that conclusion.  He was very unsettled by the event and told me all about his ex-wife.  After he let off a bit of steam, I reminded him that what Maia regards as good communication and what he regards as good communication are two different things.  Maybe part of the problem they had on Sunday is that IM chatting really isn’t best for communication – you can’t hear the inflection in a voice or see the face and hands.  Poor guy.  You’d think after all this time has passed that they would get on a bit better.  If only she could stop sounding so angry she’d probably have the start of the relationship she wants with her father.  Still, at least Maia knows Helios is here and both his kids get in touch with him every so often.  It’s a start and I’m positive about that.  I’m sure they’ll get their differences sorted out eventually.

Apart from the trauma with Maia, we had a very nice weekend.  On Saturday I saw a friend in Town and we went shopping and had lunch and were terribly civilised.  She bought a couple of things and I was content to watch but then I found a dress that she insisted I try on and I could wear in the office or at the weekend and – at less than £30 – I decided it was a bargain and I HAD to have it.  Since all my other recent purchases have been from eBay, I decided I’d been very frugal and could manage the extra expense.  Saturday evening Helios made another of his world-famous soups.  Over the weekend we watched an awful lot of World Cup games, which wasn’t the chore that some women think it would be.  Sunday evening we had a BBQ with salads, burgers, asparagus, and just a little bit of potato salad.  Before dinner on Sunday we made cookies which I’m asking Liz to sell for me at the HM Courts Service.  All monies raised will be donated to Cancer Research UK .    We had a mini-mountain of dishes to do that night but it was worth it!

Speaking of raising money, we’re doing another fun thing my office to raise money for Cancer Research UK – everyone is bringing in photos of themselves at about the age of 2 and we’ll have a quiz on who is who.  Photos are required by next month but I’ve already donated mine.  I’m hoping a lot of people participate – it should be a very fun exercise!  In fact, I really enjoyed just looking through the photos trying to decide which one to use!  I narrowed my choice to three and decided on one that I’m pretty sure will keep most people baffled.

After two weeks of being too lazy to do my morning walk I crawled out of bed this morning, rolled down the hill and was walking upright by the time I got to my old train station where I turned for home.  At work this week I’m still covering for my line manager – she’s off for a  fortnight’s holiday and I’m doing a few of the things she normally does.  I’m enjoying it but I’ll be glad when she’s back.  I don’t mind a bit of extra responsibility but prefer to have someone there to confirm things with when I’m unsure.

At work there’s a calendar sitting across from me between two windows.  This month’s picture is a beautiful Puffin with a lovely colourful beak and clown-like eyes sitting on a rock.  I am regularly reminded of my honeymoon with Helios when I look at it.  We married nearly two years ago at Lindisfarne Castle and spent our honeymoon local to Holy Island .  We spent one day on a trip to the Farne Islands where we met Arctic Turns and their chicks as well as Puffins.  I was particularly astounded at the Puffins.  I thought it would be a rare occurrence to see a Puffin with its beak full of fish but I saw loads of them!  As we were walking along they seemed to be there one moment and gone the next.  I finally realised that they would stop and look at the human visitors and then dart into their nests underground!  It was a wonderful trip and I’ll always remember it as being one of the highlights of my life – and that’s certainly partly due to the best company.  Thank you, Helios, for marrying me.  You’re still a great husband.

Foxy

Foxy Returns

I stopped publishing for a bit and then I stopped writing for a little while.

There was an incident that made me stop writing.  On Monday 26^th July I was getting my usual lift home from work.  Normally I am dropped off just down the road and round the corner from my flat (It’s not quite a 5 minute walk from where I get collected/dropped off on the days that I carpool.) when 5 boys came around the corner and were walking towards me.  The one walking ahead of the rest rummaged around in his shorts until he found what he was looking for and then proceeded to try and show it to me.  Unfortunately it was so small that I didn’t get a glimpse of it until I was only a pace or two away from him but I did see a cock the size of a Tic-Tac.  Or rather, I only saw the head of his tiny Tic-Tac Cock.  I was so angry that, as they walked by I shouted “Not very impressive!”  The little rodents shouted out something to me that I couldn’t hear because I was so angry.  If he hadn’t had 4 friends behind him I would have been more tempted to beat the crap out of them but just the fact that he had so many reinforcements put me off.  What kind of insignificant low-life has to do something like that to make himself feel like a man?  And what kind of microscopic penis would really think that I would like seeing his tic-tac cock?

Up to the time of the incident I was already having a typical Monday.  I managed to lose my watch at lunchtime and found myself racing to all the places I’d been in order to try and find it.  I was upset at losing it partly because I knew that replacing it would cost me £40 or so that I hadn’t budgeted for but also because Helios had given it to me in the first place.  Needless to say I gave up and ordered the replacement (exactly the same as the one I’d lost) and coughed up the £40.

That night Helios gave me a cuddle and offered to meet me where I get dropped off.  He didn’t think that they’d be stupid enough to come back but we both knew that no one would try anything that stupid with him around – not because Helios looks like a serial killer but because bullies only go after people they think are weak.  But, as with most of my short walks home, no one else has been around.  Helios now thinks that it was a bunch of boys who, since school is officially out for the summer, decided to have a little fun at my expense and I’m inclined to agree with him because I’ve not seen them before and probably won’t again.

In the end I did ring the police but they couldn’t help.  The police were helpful and sympathetic. He reminded me that I live in a very safe area and that they are keen to catch who did this.  He did give me a phone number for victim of crime support but I’m not sure I’ll use it.  Yes, I am still angry but I’m determined that they will not effect my life in any way.  Having said that, I only feel safe in the office and at home in the flat with Helios.  I’ve stopped going on my morning gym walk.  I bought some wasp spray (because the public in this country cannot legally buy pepper spray) but I’ve not had the courage to go on the walks with or without the spray.  As I say, I may ring the number, I might not.  As the days go by, I feel more confident but then I get to the spot where it happened and I’m grateful that Helios has come to meet me as I’m dropped off by my carpooling friend.

In the meantime I’ve had a horrible time sleeping generally.  I keep going over what I could have said to them instead – “Don’t I know your mother?  She’ll be so proud when I ring her tonight!” or “My husband killed for the SAS – no one will ever find your body!” but ultimately I force myself to remember that there were five boys in total and I ought to count myself lucky that it wasn’t an incident that turned violent.

The first Monday after the incident was very stressful.  I barely slept from anxiety and came out in a rash over my face, back and on my left arm and my right leg.  Helios has continued collecting me from the drop off point since the incident and he said that he’s happy to carry on until I tell him that I’ll meet him at home one evening.  I cried a little in the office that first week and I was initially afraid that I would have a breakdown or need prozac.  I was so angry that it took several days for me to try and get over it.  I’m still angry but not losing as much sleep now.

As always, Helios has been a rock.  At one point during the first week after the incident, I told him that I was still so angry and he just said “me too”.  He’s simply there for me.  If I want to talk about it or not.  Just having him around helps me feel calm and safe.

Luckily I’m not off to see the in-laws and Apollo and Maia until 14^th August so I’m hoping that my rashes (some now have a scab over them) fade quickly!  Otherwise I may feel compelled to tell them what happened and I don’t want them to get the wrong idea and think badly of me.

As you can imagine, the incident has overshadowed other events in my life but that doesn’t mean that nothing else is happening.  I’ve had my first period after 8 weeks of birth control pills.  I was hoping that the period would be easier than it turned out to be but it’s still not so bad that I’m begging for surgery.  I did have what I’m calling a “ghost period” at week 4 when my body seemed determined to have a period and I just kept taking the tablets.  Luckily my light spotting and other symptoms only lasted a few days.  However, I have been suffering with exhaustion for the past 3 weeks or so.  I don’t know if it’s psychological because I know I’ve got a little more than a week off soon or if it is accompanying my running pill-packs together or even if I’m just run down and fighting off a cold but, for the past 2 weekends (and I expect this weekend will be no exception) I’ve had an extra nap on Saturday and Sunday.  The first weekend in particular that I did this (24^th and 25^th July) I was so tired on the Saturday that I was crying in the kitchen when I made sandwiches for lunch.

I’m still having wild dreams.  The most recent was very short.  I was with an old friend who introduced me to the Navy guy I dated at University.  Mom, you remember him, don’t you?  Anyway, this guy said that he was sorry to hear about Helios and wanted to know if I would be interested in his old friend again?  Without pondering why I’d ever be without Helios, I remembered the Navy guy’s body and Helios.  At 20 the Navy guy wasn’t nearly as well decked out as my Helios is at 40 so I said “Thanks but no thanks.”  I think the thought that I would be without Helios stems from a conversation I had with the carpool lady earlier that evening.  As usual, I can’t quite remember how we get onto subjects but we usually put the world to rights by the time we make it to my stop.  The carpool lady is just lovely and, since she has saved me a small mountain of cash, I’m already looking for something special for her birthday in September.

This weekend coming is (hopefully) going to be uneventful.  Helios is working this evening and then again on Sunday but he so rarely does overtime that I’m not complaining.  I may take the opportunity to have another massive clear out.

The good news is that I had a great time during my Relay for Life event to raise money for Cancer Research UK.  I was part of a team that walked around a small track for 24 hours.  Needless to say, I preferred to look after myself – since I have to eat at certain times and really need my sleep.  I only helped out the next morning.  My team raised about £2000 and I enjoyed it tremendously.

Foxy

Back to Earth with a Bump

I had a wonderful week off with my Helios.  Although we didn’t do much, it was really just what I needed.  We saw his parents and Apollo.  We went on a couple of long walks, saw his folks and, of course, started watching the start of the new Premiership Football season in this country.  Helios and I are fans of Manchester United – possibly the best football team in the world.  I find that the weekends go by quickly when I have something to get excited about and I do miss the games over the summer (especially bearing in mind how badly England did in the World Cup!)

I saw a friend as well when I was on holiday and seeing her made me grateful for everything I’ve got.  Oh sure, her life is going along OK.  She’s got a decent boyfriend and a new flat but she’s had to start eating meat again (which she’s not entirely happy about) and her job is really awful.  So, when I left her that night I was grateful that my life is on an even keel and that I’ve got a great husband (who thoughtfully insisted that I take the sat nav that night), a job with nice people and a nice place to live.  I could focus on the negative and go on about my health and all the things I’d like to do if I had the money but I’m blessed and there’s no denying it.

I slept very well when I was on holiday but last night I was right back into the habit of fretting instead of sleeping.  I lay awake at night wondering about the step kids and what was happening at work while I was away and Helios didn’t come to bed straightaway last night – some nights I find I can’t sleep without him.  Helios stayed up to see the end of Match of the Day (a programme about football).  When he didn’t come to bed by the time I thought the show was over, I got up for my ablutions and poked my head round the door to the living room to remind Helios to come to bed.  He’d stayed up to see another programme and was probably falling asleep on the couch when I tapped the door – I couldn’t tell for sure because I left my glasses by the bed.  My glasses are so expensive that they’re either in the case or on my face.  No other place will do.

I was awake before the alarm went off.  I didn’t get up though because I hoped I’d fall back to sleep.  Instead, I laid there and fretted again about work and wondered if I’d be made redundant.  (In case you didn’t know it, I sometimes suffer from paranoia.)  I got myself so worked up again that my rash has started to reappear on my face – but not as bad as it was just after I’d been flashed.  I’m a daft gal.  I shouldn’t have been surprised that everything was pretty much the same as I’d left it at work – even my filing basket isn’t very full.  Unfortunately however, I feel very tired.  I’ve been yawning most of the morning.

Helios never likes to go back to work on a Monday, so he’s at home doing a few chores today.  He’s found a place that sells American Twinkies and he’s keen to get there.  It’s been years since I’ve had a Twinkie but remember it tasting just a little of chemicals…  There’s a really good selection of diet things which might be nice for me.  I seem to have such a hard time finding diet things in this country.  For example, when I get a cough I try and find diet sweets to suck on but the selection in this country isn’t very impressive.  They sound really good and said that they’d try and get anything I can’t normally find.  I may log onto their website and ask for Pace Picante sauce.  It’s one of the few things I really miss.  You can get salsa here but not in the quantities that I like to eat and, if you think about it, it’s OK for me.

I know I didn’t do an awful lot while I was away but it really was nice just to sit and not have to move…

In the meantime, I did have an invitation to Texas in December but that’s had to be cancelled.  In a lot of ways it’s a good thing because I don’t have a financial buffer at all at the moment.  All the buffer that I had will be going to fund the no-frills holiday we just took.  No frills when we see Helios’s parents always includes a cheap hotel down in the town centre because his parents live in a flat that’s too small for us to invade.  I’m loathe to make firm plans for travelling until I get my British passport anyway.  That’s my next big expense.  It’s bad enough that I’ve got to find a lawyer (lucky I used to work for several solicitors firms!) to swear and affirm that I am who I say I am.  I’ve also had to ask Mom for all sorts of vital information that Immigration never asked but Passport Control are asking – when my parents were born, when they were married, when all my grandparents were born and when they married.  Why they need to know this is beyond my reasoning but I’m not allowed to reason why and I’m sure they’ll just reject it if I don’t do it and then I’ll have to pay another fee after I’ve got the information.  How stupid is that?  I suppose you have red tape issues wherever you live.  I cannot remember how much it will cost but it’s bound to make my jaw drop.

Once again it’s back to square one financially and I’m looking at other ways to save money.  For instance, my bank was recently taken over by a Spanish bank and they’re wanting to charge me a monthly admin charge.  I don’t ever remember paying a monthly charge for my bank account here so I’m looking at moving my account to somewhere a bit more civilised.  Luckily there are a number of banks out there with good deals for switching at the moment!

And then there’s the issue of a visit to the US .  Since I’ve been getting in touch with old friends last summer I’ve had more than one offer of a place to stay.  It would be nice to see old friends that I lost touch with again, as well as family.  Oh well.  I should manage to make it back if I keep saving…

Foxy

August Holiday

Before we went to the South West, Helios had another short chat with Maia.  She asked if she was invited and he said “No.  I’m not up for a fight.”  Now, to my mind she had a choice at this point.  She could have said “Oh Dad.  Don’t be silly.  I don’t want a fight.  I just want to see you.”  Unfortunately she didn’t say that.  She said “Oh that’s fine, you just pretend I don’t exist”  It was a typical melodramatic and emotionally manipulative response for a 17 year old.  Helios responded by saying “Fair enough”.  At first I wasn’t sure if I was happy about their exchange but, ultimately, I have to agree with Helios.  He is refusing to be manipulated and doesn’t want to be made to feel guilty.  I figure if she really wanted a relationship with her father, there are a number of ways she could do it without the back of her hand being permanently attached to her forehead.  She could go directly to him and ask for another chance.  She could speak to either her brother or to me and say that she wants a relationship with her father.  So far, she’s not done that – so I’m hoping that she will get in touch again when she’s mature enough to want a relationship instead of wanting to punish her father.

Despite this, I was really looking forward to seeing my English family.

Unfortunately, the traffic was so bad that a journey that takes roughly 4 hours took just over 6 that day.  Next time we go to the South West on a Saturday in August, we have to make sure we leave at silly o’clock in the morning.

We stopped off to see his parents before heading down to the hotel.  As always they’re just lovely.  Helios’s dad is having more tests done but it’s not conclusive that he’s out of remission or if he’s still in remission.  We’re holding our collective breath.

That night we had food at the restaurant around the corner from the hotel and collapsed after supper.  I was exhausted and I was the passenger so I don’t know how Helios managed it!

Sunday morning we had breakfast at the hotel and left for a bit of shopping before we were due to meet Apollo.  This time there was a food festival (which reminded me of The Taste of Chicago I attended years ago) along where we met Apollo last time.  The weather was glorious.  I was actually hot wearing trousers!  We spent a few hours together.  Helios got it out of Apollo that he thought Maia was being “a little silly” and Helios got the impression that Apollo was trying to be diplomatic.  I make a point of not asking awkward questions of Apollo.  I figure his life is difficult enough without me quizzing him.

Apollo led us to the bookshop and I took pen and paper to note things that I need to be reading.  I also asked him if he’d be agreeable to Facebook Friending an old friend of mine who is now a school librarian.  He seemed impressed that I would want his opinion but he’s so well-read that I’d be silly not recommending him to speak to my school librarian friend.

The Taste of the South West was a great distraction as well.  We wandered around the stalls and chatted and got some nibbles and ice cream made from local sources.  I know I shouldn’t have had any but I couldn’t resist a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone.  It was lovely.

Once the shops closed for the evening Apollo took a bus home and Helios and I went back to the hotel room to report on progress to Helios’s parents.  After a chat, we went to see Inception and then to a restaurant for food.  It was great.  I really enjoyed the film and it was nice to spend some quality time with my Helios.

On Monday we checked out but didn’t leave the South West straightaway.  We met with Helios’s mum and the three of us went shopping.  I just love it when she takes us shopping – not because she buys us things but because it’s nice to spend time with her.  In fact, I sometimes feel bad when she buys us things.  As lovely as it is, I don’t want to be thought of as “dependent” upon her.  Not that I could ever be described as that but I don’t want to be seen like that, if you know what I mean.  Helios keeps reminding me that she likes spending money and the best thing to do is smile and say “Thank you” because there’s no way to stop his mother spending money when she’s got her heart set on it.

The rest of our holiday has been spent at home.  We’ve gone on a couple of long walks.  One was along the canal where he and I used to go when we were dating.  We walked 2 miles along the canal to the pub and then another 2 miles back to the car.  We could easily park closer but that would defeat the purpose.  We like looking at the wildlife and spending time with one another.  We didn’t see any swans this time but enjoyed the company of Coots, Ducks and Moor Hens.  We even saw a Heron but it was too quick for us to catch a photo.  We enjoyed our time despite a slight sprinkle.

Foxy

Uninvited Autumn Arrives

The other night Helios went to see a scary movie.  Now, for the most part, I don’t like scary movies – especially those that try to be too realistic.  So Helios went out with a bunch of friends from work and I stayed at home and watched a comedy: LA Story with Steve Martin when he was still funny.  It’s a lovely love story that also pokes fun at the Californian lifestyle.  After a couple of hours he came back and told me all about it and I’m sure I wouldn’t have liked it.  Later on we curled up together in bed and he said “I love you.  It’s nice to cuddle you.”  I said in reply “I love you too and I’m so glad I didn’t go to see that film with you!”

I’m delighted for my sister.  Her boyfriend has moved in and they sound like they’re getting on like a house on fire.  I also managed to hit a home run with her birthday present – it’s so hard to find something that I think she might not have and that she’ll like and that will ship well and and and, etc etc etc.

Last week I had dinner with a friend and we set the world to rights.  I got some good gossip and a recipe for lentils and leeks topped with a filet of salmon.  Very nice indeed!

I’m nearing the middle of my second “extra long” cycle and it’s definitely easier than the first.  While I am a little bloated and tired, I’m still in good spirits.  I’m not experiencing any pain but I am having a little back discomfort which are easily sorted with a bit of stretching.  I’m hoping that the periods themselves get lighter and easier but I won’t know about that until I’m a few more cycles along…

The other good news is that I’ve managed to sleep well for the past couple of weeks, which for me is usually much more difficult.  I think it’s because I’ve stopped worrying about things for the moment.  I climb into bed (and over Helios to get to my side) and drift off – sometimes with earplugs in my ears because the neighbours delight in doing their dishes right around the time I’d like to go to bed!

Autumn has arrived uninvited to England.  The trees in my back garden are starting to go from green to red and yellow.  It is a spectacular sight next to the evergreens!  Despite the cooler temperatures and crisp frosts, warm sweaters and hot coffee to warm your hands, I will always prefer summertime.  I seem to need the long, happy summer days even if I’m just couped up in the office all day.  Autumn and winter will always seem dark, oppressive and bleak.  Having said that, at least the winters in this country aren’t nearly as harsh as in the Midwest!  I rarely see snow here which, by extension, means I never shovel it.  Winters here are more about incessant rain and keeping dry than wading through snow.  It’s a slightly different mentality requiring a lot of waterproof layers.

Foxy

34E

I have some horrible news.  I’ve grown another bra size.  I think it’s official now that I’ve bought more than one bra in the new size.  OK, I’m hoping that they’ll shrink back a bit after my next cycle but I’m so uncomfortable in DDs that I had to go shopping again for something even bigger…  For some women this would be a wonderful event celebrated with champagne.  However, for people like me it’s something else to sigh about.  I started noticing these gastly growths at the tender age of 10.  TEN!!  It’s no wonder I have a slightly hunched  back – in a subconscious “I’m no slut” way.

When I was young (several centuries ago) I wore some nice bras.  Nothing lacy and rarely something with matching nice underwear.  I didn’t want to look “easy” and considered myself “tasteful”.  Now I’m wishing I had had nicer bras when I was young because the boobs I have today are so enormous that my bras look like hammocks!  Wow Foxy, those hammocks are smashing!

I suppose I ought to be grateful because there are some women who pay a small fortune for the size of software I’ve got but I can’t help but moan.  It’s bad enough I have to heave them over my shoulders when I climb the stairs.  Anyone who wants big ones like me ought to know that it can be painful to even go upstairs sometimes.

My mom once warned me that I’ll probably grow a size every decade.  At this rate they’ll be dragging on the ground by the time I’m 60!  I don’t like the thought of it, but maybe I’ll put in for a reduction and by the time I’m 60 I’ll be ready for the reduction surgery and I’ll ask for a B cup.

Most red-blooded men like big ones but I was cuddling up to Helios earlier in the summer and when I flopped my left boob on his back (so that I could get close to him, you see?) he complained at the weight and told me to get it off him.  Now we are separated by the gigantic land-mass that is my boobs in bed.  Worse, I still have to carry the things around despite having no easy-carry handles!

I wouldn’t want mosquito-bite boobs either.  Why can’t we ladies have something in between mosquito bites and hammocks?

Foxy

Busy

Last weekend was very busy.  It started on Thursday evening when we ran into our neighbour.  He had friends who had season tickets to the football game but couldn’t go.  Did we want the tickets?  WOW!  As if we wouldn’t want the tickets!!  The rest of that evening was spent planning Sunday’s trip.  It was a normal working day on Friday followed by the movies. Saturday was an “admin day” at home to ensure that we both had enough clean/ironed clothes to last us this week.  Then early Sunday morning it was off to Manchester to see our favourite football team beat one of their historical rivals.  As I’m accustomed to very laid-back weekends, it was a long one for me.  The trip to/from Manchester took roughly 4 hours each way!  While travelling by train is vastly easier than driving, there was one part of the day that I hadn’t planned too well.  We got to Manchester OK , shared a taxi with 3 complete strangers to Old Trafford (AKA The Theatre of Dreams) which saved us a barrel of money.  We didn’t have any problems at the stadium.  After the game, however, we managed not to find the metro station right next door to the stadium.  Well, we’d been walking for about an hour and Helios (who knows he has no sense of direction) kept looking at the Sat Nav on his phone and saying “We’re almost there!”  I knew we were in trouble when we got to a bus shelter complete with map, and I couldn’t find anyplace on the map that looked promising.  Even Helios claimed that we were going in the right direction but I couldn’t see anything on the map that said “Metro”.  I didn’t start to panic, but I was getting cross.  Really we know what his sense of direction is like so we should have just gone back to the beginning but by the time I realised that we were too far off the beaten track to find what we needed, we’d been walking too long to go back to Old Trafford.  Then we were rescued by a black cab.  Oh JOY!  How wonderful to be able to get back to the train station in time to catch our train back to our little town.  Normally we would have to change trains a few times in London but these services on Sunday were great because we had to change trains once on the way there and no changes on the way home.  As I say, I’m still grateful to that cabbie.  Next time, I won’t rely on asking people when we get there but will plan the journey in much more detail.

We’ve heard from Apollo a few times this week.  He’s reading the books that we gave him for his birthday (and he had comments) AND he’s getting job interviews.  Please keep your fingers crossed for him!

On Thursday this week Helios went to another one of his scary movies.  It was Devil or Death or Buried Alive in the Dark or someother such nonsense that even he wasn’t very impressed with by the end.  He should have stayed at home with me and seen “Better off Dead” – an 80s comedy with John Cusack about a guy whose girlfriend beaks up with him in the first 5 minutes or so and he spends the rest of the film trying to kill himself while his family don’t seem to notice.  Meanwhile, the actual love interest of the piece is the French foreign exchange student who moves in next door.  Will he get the girl?

I got some fresh vegetables at the farmers market this morning and I’ve asked Helios to treat me to one of his famous soups tonight.  We need it.  The summer heat has finally gone and the autumn rains have arrived.  Everyone seems to be getting colds and we’re finding more and more spiders in the flat – no doubt it’s that time of year when they come indoors to live out their final days in comfort and warmth but when I see them I ask Helios to catch them and throw them out.  Apparently it’s bad luck to kill a spider on this side of the pond.  As much as I understand the sentiment, I agree with Apollo: spiders have too many legs to be natural!  Yick.  In fact, one evening this week, Helios found a spider that was so big, he went off and got his gloves (to save him being bitten) before he collected it and threw it outside.  It was so big that when he chucked it out, we heard it hit the gravel drive.  YUK!

In other news, I have finally sent off my application for my British Passport.  As well as sending off all that paperwork, I’ll be required to attend an interview where they will determine that I am who I am.  I can’t think how they’ll determine that I am who I say I am but I’m sure it will be an interesting conversation!

Next week we’re off work.  We are baking cookies this weekend for a charity event at Helios’s work on Monday.  They’re having a bake sale/competition to find the best baker.  H chosen peanut butter with chocolate chunks, which sounds like a winner to me. Then we’re hoping (one of the days we’re off) to go on one of our long walks along the canal.

Foxy

A week’s holiday

I had a week off with Helios.  We didn’t have anything in particular planned and I enjoyed a relaxing time.  Having said that, two things of note happened: 1) I had lunch with an old friend who I hadn’t seen for a number of years.  Helios stayed at home and watched a scary movie while I went to town and ran a couple of errands and saw E.  It had been so long since I saw her that I brought my wedding photos.  She got the whole story about me and Ramman and Helios and how I’ve got great step-kids.  While it was nice to catch up, I found it slightly awkward.  Maybe she and I don’t have enough in common anymore – she’s got a couple of kids and never left the first law firm she joined and she’s now an Associate there.  Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to see her, I just found it odd talking to her.  Anyway, the thing that she said that made me sit up and take note was when I called Helios “The Love of my Life.”  Not even half a second went by when she said “How did you know?” in an eager, almost machine-gun manner.  I remember even before she got married to her current husband that she didn’t seem quite convinced that she should spend the rest of her life with him, so I wasn’t entirely surprised that she’s asked the question…

I told her that I knew it was Helios when we were talking about what we wanted from life and we were finishing each other’s sentences.  But, it was more than that.  More than what I could explain in a lunchtime.  There wasn’t one incident that made me think “WOW!  I’ve got to get with this one!”  It was more of a feeling that grew over time.  Oh sure, I’d had a crush on Helios since the first time I heard his voice in 2003, but we became friends first (even though, for me, there was always more than a friendly attraction).  In becoming friends I knew that Helios was romantic, funny and passionate – by passionate, I mean he’s a Scorpio and has been known to shout at the squirrels in the garden – not the passion you’re thinking!  When we became friends, we learned to be honest with one another and to respect each other.  I cannot pinpoint the time I first thought “I want to marry this guy and spend the rest of my life with him.”  I can say, when we were talking about the future and goals, that I felt relaxed and happy when we were completing each other’s sentences.  We talked about what was important for the both of us – the sorts of things we want to do together, what sort of property we wanted, what sort of holidays we wanted, what sort of food we like to cook (and for me, what my diet would allow), and what physical problems we have and the things we need in order to cope.  If I’d start off the conversation, he’d finish it with exactly what I was thinking and if he’d start off the conversation, I’d finish off his thought.  It is still so relaxing to live with someone when I don’t have to explain myself to him.  Because he respects me, we don’t argue.  A different friend of mine explained the situation perfectly – married life, when you’re happy, should be mostly on a line of contentment.  Sure you have ups and downs, but for the most part your average feeling should be contentment.  I have that now and that’s how I know I’ve got the love of my life.

Enough of my crowing.  The other thing that happened this week has to do with my obtaining my British Passport.  In this country, not only do I have to produce the usual documentation to prove my identity, I also had to find out some personal information about my parents and grandparents and I had to get a professional (lawyer, doctor or accountant) that I’ve known for at least two years to countersign the documents.  Well, I sent all that off.  At this point the waiting normally starts.  You wait for the documents to come back to you and you wait for an invitation to identity interview.  Can you believe that?  I have to attend an identity interview!  It’s just another layer of red-tape from Tony Blair’s Red-Tape Brigade.  Well, I got the letter and attended the interview – all much more quickly than I expected, to be fair.  In years gone by, I would worry and study for exams but I figured, since this test was all about yours truly, I should have nothing to worry about.  I’m glad I didn’t waste the energy worrying.  The paperwork said to allow 30 minutes for the test, but I was only there for about 5 minutes.  I was asked my full name, the full names of my parents, the full name of my husband, all their dates of birth, my date of birth, where I lived and to confirm my signature electronically.  I made sure that I sounded relaxed and made the chat conversational.  I didn’t want her to take any hostility about the test on my part to effect her decision that I am who I say I am.  Supposedly it’s all about identity and identity theft but, while I was assured that all the details supplied to the passport office would be destroyed, I reckon that there are more chances for a government worker to “lose” all my information than there are for me losing my identity.  It was a total waste of time, as far as I’m concerned.  The good news is that I should expect my British passport within the next couple of weeks and I’ll feel more able to travel to visit Europe.  Maybe we’ll go to see our friends in France.  Do you fancy that Helios?

Foxy

I woke up this morning from another bad dream.  Ramman and I were on holiday together.  We’d taken two chartered planes to get to where we needed to be.  Although it was a beautiful place, Ramman managed to find everything that was wrong with the place and proceeded to stress me out with his incessant complaining.  By the time that I’d managed to almost relax, we were on our way back to the UK again.  I remember specifically saying to him “Next time we come here, I think we’ll be better off not bringing all the washing powder – We can just bring some smaller bits instead.”  As usual, I seemed to be carrying far more than him and the washing powder seemed to be hanging from one finger while I was trying to balance the load.  By the time we got on the two planes he didn’t sit next to me.  The chartered planes had large comfy seats but when it turned, the bank was severe and I bounced a little in my seat.  I enjoyed the flight and looked over to Ramman for attention but he was in deep conversation with the bloke beside him.  At the time I felt slightly disappointed (not to have any attention) but more relieved (that he’d found someone who could actually entertain him).

I infrequently check my horoscope but with Venus in Retrograde, I should expect a slightly rocky time with my partner and for exes to creep out of the woodwork.  It’s the sort of time that makes people question who they are with and why.  Funny how, with things going so well between me and Helios, the stars force my subconscious back to the time when I was unhappy.  Of course, it could be a load of rubbish and my dream was just a figment from a conversation that I had with my boss about how awful my life was before and how lucky I am now.

Helios has officially started fundraising for The Prostate Cancer Charity.  The blokes do a “Movember” event to raise awareness and money where they all grow moustaches and look frightfully masculine.  Helios has already started to grow wide sideburns (mutton chops) so at the moment he looks like a balding red-headed Elvis impersonator.  I expect his moustache will grow into a very 1840s style once he gets it going.

I finished my period for the second cycle of my new rota.  I had the usual problems with pain and woolly head.  It wasn’t intolerable but I did have an incident.  At one point on about the third day, I had a funny 30 minutes where I flowed and flowed and flowed.  I was terribly uncomfortable as I felt as though the world was coming out of me but it stopped as quickly as it all started.  It made me paranoid for the rest of my period – I wore maxis and carried extra tampons.  I was so unsure about it that I wound up speaking to my boss, who isn’t much older than me.  She said that she has this once in a while and that it’s only her body telling her “This is your last chance!”  So, at first I was a bit concerned but, if it’s the sort of thing that I can expect as I approach the big Four-Oh, I’m not worried.  My main concern is how many toiletries I’ll feel compelled to carry over the next couple of years!  I suggest you buy shares in feminine product companies!

Foxy

 

Helios and Maia

Maia got in touch again last night to blast Helios.  Although she didn’t have a blast at me, I still find her contact to be troubling.  To me she says “I don’t have anything against you, I just don’t know you.”  So, I’m waiting for her to say “I’d like to get to know you”.  In the meantime I’m watching Helios suffer while he’s defending himself against her.  She comes across as being very aggressive so he says to her “I’m sorry you’re angry” and she says “I’m not angry.”  She seems so hormonal.  I keep reminding Helios that I was like that at that age and that most girls suffer a little bit with their hormones.  I said to Helios “You know what I’m like when I’ve got a bit of PMS?  Well imagine that but worse and you’re trapped in a body where you’ve not been experiencing PMS long enough to be able to be objective about it and the PMS is 20 times stronger than in an adult and it tends to creep up on you at any time of month.”  I keep reminding Helios that she’ll be sane again when she’s in her 20s and that she’s probably like this to everyone – it’s not much consolation.  I’ve told Helios that it seems to me there are a number of issues she’s trying to sort out 1) she’s jealous of Apollo, 2) she’s angry at not having seen Helios for so long 3) now that she is having a little contact with him, she’s disappointed that he’s only a person rather than the man-on-the-pedestal that she’s imagined him being for all these years.  I suspect there are other issues but those three are the ones I’m fairly certain of.  Because she’s got so much going on in her head she cannot express herself clearly and just comes at him fighting.  At least Helios’s got me now.  I hope that if I keep reminding him that half of the problem is that she’s not emotionally mature enough to express and deal with how she’s feeling, it will make things easier for them when she is in her 20s…

In the meantime, when I complain to the girls at work (of course I haven’t given them quite all the gory details) they ask “How old is she?” and when I say 17 they all pretty much have the same reaction – they throw their hands up in the air and say something along the lines of “I don’t know what to tell you.”  Just chatting about it with the ladies here does provide some relief.

Foxy

The Step-Kids

First – Maia

I have experienced the full range of emotions this weekend.  This story needs a little background.  After Maia had a pop at Helios several months ago, Helios “unfriended” Maia on Facebook.

This past week Maia contacted me via MSN to get in touch with her dad.  Helios and Maia then had their same argument that they’ve been having every time they talk to one another.  After she spoke with her dad she “unfriended” me on Facebook.  Although she is still capable of contact via MSN, I feel she’s effectively cut herself off from both of us.  As much as I understand she’s angry (even though she claims she’s not), I feel she’s a hypocrite for “unfriending” me after her dad “unfriended” her.  I can’t quite believe that she wouldn’t think there would be no consequences to this.

It also makes me think that she may have something against me – even though she claims she doesn’t.  She has made it clear that she doesn’t know me, but by cutting me off it shows that she doesn’t want to get to know me.

Yet at the same time I know that I won’t give her a hard time about her being so immature.  I feel that it’s more important to show her how adults communicate.  I feel it’s important to show her how to forgive people.  She needs to let go of her anger and accept people for who they are.  That includes her parents.  She has to learn how to treat people well – or in the very least the way that she wants to be treated.

If my hypothesis is right, she is angry because neither of her parents measures up to what she thinks is the ideal.  She needs to forgive her parents for all the mistakes they made when they raised her.  No one gives you a manual of how to be a parent when babies come into the world.

Where does this leave me?  I need to ensure that she understands that she cannot hurt me (or anyone else) without a consequence.  As I only noticed that she “unfriended” me last night and I saw when she came onto MSN late last night and I switched MSN off.  I can’t help but want to show her that, if she doesn’t want to get to know me, I don’t have to be easily available to help her.  Not yet anyway!

 

Then Apollo

Helios and I chat with Apollo a few times a week.  He’s still looking for a job at the moment.  As there isn’t much there in his hometown for chefs, I suggested that he look into publishing – I can see him telling people that they need to buy this or that book.  He’s so well-read and intelligent I am hoping that he’s serious about looking into it.  Having said that, I checked on-line for publishers in his hometown.  Unfortunately there aren’t many for the areas he’s interested in, but with luck he may find something in either area…  I’m hoping that he will want to move to London (and closer to us) because that’s where the majority of the jobs are in this country.  When I suggested it he said he didn’t have the money to move…  Helios and I need to win the lottery so that we can help our families!

Other than that we chat about movies and just about anything else.  If I’d have had a son, I’d want him to be like Apollo.

I happened that I was chatting to my mom and Apollo at the same time, so I mentioned them to one another and he’s “friended” my mom!  I don’t know if they’ve been chatting but I suspect they have – Mom has said what a “nice boy” he is.  Now I’ve told Apollo that I wouldn’t call him a kid but I expect Mom’s allowed – I’m sure she thinks of me as a kid and I’m nearly 40!

Foxy

It never rains…

Dentist

My downpour started when Helios’s cheek started to swell.  He’s had an abscess that was terribly infected.  He even had time off work – which in my house means he’s seriously/obviously ill because he almost never has time off work!  Poor chap.  He looked a bit like a hamster who’d got a ping-pong ball caught in his cheek!  Luckily the dentist was good.  Helios got antibiotics quickly and had the work done over a couple of weeks.

Now, the finance side of UK Dentistry needs explaining.  Most dentists have a private practice.  Some dentists do NHS work but most don’t.  I have therefore always gone to a private dentist and paid extortionate fees basic work.  When Helios and I got together, he came to my dentist.  He’s now got a significant bill coming from them.

In the meantime, I’ve spoken to W at work and discovered an NHS dentist near home so I registered both Helios and myself today.  I’m still not entirely sure how much payments will cost but I’m hoping it will be significantly less than the place we’re at now!  I’ve got my first appointment at the new place on 7^th January so I’ll keep you posted.

Fridge/Freezer

Also, my fridge/freezer has been beeping and beeping for almost a year.  When this happened before I just got it fixed and within a couple of months it was beeping again.  Including the call-out charge, it cost about £100 the last time I got it fixed.  Well, I decided that I wouldn’t get it fixed again because I don’t want to throw good money after bad.  I figure I can get a decent new one for between £200 – £300.  Luckily, the fridge  died in a time of year that I can leave cold foods on the porch and the milk in the beer fridge with no fear that my food will spoil.

Blockage

Once I realised that the fridge/freezer was officially dead I poured the liquid from a stew into the toilet.  Well, of course some of the bits fell in as well but I didn’t think they’d be too big as I flushed the toilet.  Sure enough, there was a blockage but since it occurred at the weekend, and my plumber would have charged extra for coming out at the weekend, I peed in a bucket over that weekend.  It was horrible!  On Monday I called out the plumber who charged £75 + VAT to fix my stupid mistake.  I suppose I should be grateful that it didn’t take long to fix!

Car

A couple of months ago a woman hit my car and left a note on my windscreen.  Since then I’ve got quotes and had some email discussions with her.  Since then, I’ve had the work done and got a copy of the invoice (marked as paid) and forwarded this to her.  I’ve had a promise by email that she’d pay but so far no cheque.  She’s a doctor so I suspect she’s good for it…  Fingers crossed I don’t have to take her to small claims court!

Internet

Once again, I am grateful to Helios.  He has a background in, amongst other things, telecoms thanks to his time serving with the RAF.  When our phone and internet went down he did a bit of “faultfinding”, told them where the trouble was and told them to get an engineer out to the exchange.  We’ve gone for a number of days now with no internet access.  Needless to say, being a red-headed Scorpio he’s not taken the waiting very well.  He said to the company yesterday “I’m the one that’s done the faultfinding!  As far as I’m aware, I’ve done more to get this sorted than you.  I did your faultfinding for you.  I’ve told you where to send the engineer.  Have you rung an engineer to sort it out?”  Because he kicked up suck a stink, he’s got a rebate which will, no doubt, get larger and larger the longer we have to wait to be reconnected to the outside world!

Dermatologist

Mom, you’ll be disappointed to hear that I’ve got lichen planus again.  I first noticed it under my arms a few months ago and tried some hydrocortisone on it.  Unfortunately it’s only spread in the past few months.  It’s on my back, my legs, my ankles, my arms and it’s beginning to creep around my stomach.  I have always had skin problems.  I think I’m right in remembering that I first got lichen planus when I was a young teenager – 13 or 14.  I didn’t have it for a number of years but it appears now to be back with a vengeance.  So, I went to the GP again for it on 29^th November and (luckily) didn’t have to demand to see a dermatologist.  As I’ve opted to go private, I will still have to pay the first £100 for treatment.  I think it’s worth having the option to go for private treatment (i.e. outside the NHS) so I don’t have to wait for several months to see someone.

Fry Pan

Helios was making me an omelette for breakfast the other morning when the fry pan handle broke off.  We just looked at each other and he said “That’s just the way our luck is going at the moment, isn’t it?”  The good news is that I’ve found a good but cheap pan on sale for the princely sum of £6.74.  At least that didn’t cost a fortune to fix!

Snow

Last week we got a couple of inches of snow over a couple of days.  Now, if I still lived in the Midwest US, I wouldn’t expect this to slow me down or any schools to close.  However, here it’s an entirely different story.

Firstly, where I come from there are no hills.  If you slide off a road, chances are you won’t total your car because you’ll just slide onto some grass and then back onto the road.  There are a LOT of hills here and all of them have a number of cars at the bottom, all abandoned at crazy angles.

Secondly, where I come from there are more than enough gritters/ploughs and the weather is tackled with military precision.  The roads aren’t always cleared within hours but there is the comforting sight of ploughs and gritters tackling the weather on your behalf.

So the weather tale of last week starts on Tuesday afternoon.  Snow had been forecast for a  number of days and it was finally arriving.  I was panicking a little because I still had the courtesy car from the menders.  Although it was a nice courtesy car, it wasn’t my car and I wasn’t happy about getting stuck with a car that wasn’t mine!  I drove out to the menders to deliver their car, collect mine and pay the invoice.  On the way back to the office the snow was coming down and I seemed to be sliding every which way.  I was decidedly stressed by the time I got back to the office!  The snow kept coming all that afternoon and we were told to go home early that evening.   I walked back to the car and found a huge traffic jam any which way I would want to go to leave town so I left the car and walked to the train station.  The journey home was delightful.  The snow was fresh and powdery.  The walk from the station was peaceful.  I really enjoyed the walk that night.

The next morning, the conditions were treacherous and I took the train the rest of the week!  Unfortunately, the trains weren’t exactly reliable but, lucky for me, my work insisted that we go if we were at all concerned about travelling.  I decided to take advantage of their generosity even if it meant making up the time.  The trains were, for the most part, over an hour late most of the time and, after that first night, walking on the pavements was (and still is) painfully treacherous.  There is still a large amount of compacted ice on most walking surfaces even though the roads are now, for the most part, clear.  It’s more than a little crazy.

Saturday the temperatures weren’t nearly as cold and Helios and I travelled into town to rescue my newly mended car.  While I know I grew up in the Midwest , I’m really not accustomed to driving on frozen and compacted snow anymore so I was a little nervous about getting home again.  Luckily the procedure proceeded with no unforeseen problems and my little car is at home now safe and sound.

The winter tale will, no doubt get crazier as the winter progresses but for now, with the majority of the snow melted in this part of the country, it’s a closed chapter.

Stay safe

Foxy

New Year, New News

Part of the reason I’ve not written much recently is because a couple of people have died and the shock has thrown me.  Maybe I’ll talk about it in the future.  Right now, I find I write and write and then don’t publish because I’m sure it’s not quite right.  However, my mother has asked me to continue making blog entries – even if it’s not always about endometriosis or PCOS or doctors.  Mom, this one’s full of news for you.

Everyone always asks what resolutions you make in the New Year but I find if I resolve to do something, it doesn’t get done.  Instead I make plans and that usually works.

This year I’m planning on travelling more than I did last year.  Helios and I are hoping to see friends in Paris over my 40^th birthday weekend.  I’m planning on going to a place in Wales called “The Mumbles” with a couple of girlfriends for a weekend.  Of course we’re planning on visiting Helios’s family a couple or three times this year.  Finally, and only if the budget (not just money but holiday time as well) can stretch to it, I’ll be visiting my family this year.  It’s true that part of me feels this is just pie in the sky but if I don’t do it this year, I’ll certainly plan for it next year.  Let’s be honest, it may take a year of saving up to get that plan done!

Before Christmas, Helios and I saw the most recent Harry Potter film.  Now, Helios has reluctantly seen all the films (and felt their plots were feeble) but, as this one stopped in the middle of the story, he wanted to see it again to make sure he saw what he saw (perhaps to figure out the rest of the story?).   In the end, he decided that he wanted to know how the story ends and has started reading the books.  Well, when I say read, I mean he’s got the audio books and leisurely listens to the dulcet tones of Stephen Fry.  I also picked up the books again, partly because I couldn’t remember where all the Horcruxes were and partly so I didn’t miss any of Helios’s fun.  The good news is that we’re both enjoying the books.  Helios seemed surprised that the characters are so well developed and the plots are not flimsy but, as we all know, in order to condense a good book into a 2 hour story, much of what makes the book great gets left in the book.

One of Helios’s Christmas presents was a day-trip to London to see some of the works of his favourite painter – Canaletto.  I enjoyed the exhibition and appreciated the paintings but they’re not my favourite subject.  I got the feeling that Canaletto was a frustrated architect as there are people in the paintings, but they seem to have been added last as an afterthought.  Still, the paintings were beautiful and I appreciated the hours involved in making them.  We had a great time and Helios took some photos of me, uniquely positioned, so that the fountains of Trafalgar Square seemed to be squirting out of my head.  We bought the book commemorating the exhibition and have taken home fond memories of another day spent together.

Just after Christmas I got a quick message from Maia asking about how Christmas went.  I replied and then didn’t hear from her again.  At the time I didn’t know what to think and I still don’t.  I could chase my tail from now until Saint Swithbert the Younger Day trying to work out what she means by doing what she does.  I’ve decided to consider her contact a blessing.  I expect someday she’ll be a part of our lives, but she’s clearly not ready for that yet.

The only irksome thing that happened over the holidays was flu: I got flu a week or so before Christmas and am still suffering the aftermath.  Initially it was just flu, then it mutated into a nasal and sore throat, finally it’s mutated into laryngitis.  Yes, I’ve had anti-biotics with no relief really.  Of course, the annoying thing around the office is that I now have to write or email everything that I want to say which has left the admin room very quiet indeed!  Because I’m at the office, my voice (despite my efforts) isn’t getting much of a break.  I thought I’d almost gotten over the laryngitis last weekend – because I’d managed to keep quiet for most of it but now my voice is nearly gone again.  I’ve had to carry around notes saying “I am not antisocial.  I have laryngitis and am trying not to speak.” and “Thank you for asking.  My throat doesn’t feel too bad but my voice is nearly gone again.”  I find that people keep asking me how I feel and I want to shout at them “Do you honestly think I would be able to answer you if I have laryngitis?!?  Duh!!”  I’ve also resorted to hand-gestures.  Thumbs up, thumbs down.  Shrug.  Nodding and shaking head.  Unfortunately it doesn’t go very far and I find myself whispering just to get people to shut up around me. Yes, I am grouchy but I’ve had one thing or another for over a month now and I’m fed up with feeling ill!

In other news, Apollo and Helios and I chat frequently at the moment.  (Apollo is still looking for a job – everyone keep your fingers crossed!  He seems to get interviews but hasn’t had any offers yet.)  The nice thing about Apollo is that he seems to say what he thinks to us.  So, a couple of weeks ago he said to me “When are you and Dad visiting again?”  I replied, “I was thinking either March or February.  When’s good for you?”  He said “February.”  I did a bit of organising the next day and we’re now visiting soon.  It’s nice that he seems to want to see us.  It’s nice that he’s comfortable enough to just ask when he’d like to see us.  In fact, things are going so well that I mentioned to him it would be nice if he came to visit in the summertime.  He’s not made firm plans yet but intends to sleep on the couch if the weather is bad or sleep in a tent in the garden if the weather is good.  I have asked him to make sure he keeps us posted as to when he’s likely to come so that we can have time off work to be with him.  To help, I’ve sent him a link to cheap bus travel in the UK:

http://uk.megabus.com/default.aspx

I was shocked at how little they charge for long journeys!  Of course, the travel takes much longer than if you drive, but sometimes life’s a trade-off, isn’t it?  For my American friends, you will see that they operate in the US !  Take a look.

More recently, I had another smear test.  It’s never pleasant but at least they’re putting me in a proper chair with stirrups and a good light source at the moment.  I can’t help but think that it’s a much easier experience if your doctor is in a position to actually see what they’re doing without reeeeeaaaaaching over your leg to get the instruments where they’re going.  The test was a follow-up from the pre-cancerous cells they found a year ago.  Luckily (so far) they haven’t found anything else of interest.  I expect the next time I go for a test I’ll have to go back to my GP.  She’ll have to be a contortionist to be able to do the job and I’ll try not to launch myself into the wall head-first!

Helios and I have another trip to London planned in the next few weeks.  We have friends coming over from Greece . They’re keen to meet us on the day they’re here.  I’ve already got the train tickets and coupons for money off Churchill’s War Rooms Museum .  You can always tell when I’m looking forward to something because I’m organised well in advance!  They’re going to a rock concert that evening and it’s a band Helios and I are not interested in.

Tomorrow I’ve got an appointment with my new NHS Dentist.  I don’t really know how much they charge but as long as it’s less than my previous dentist, I’ll be happy.

I think that’s all from the news desk here in the UK.  Further bulletins will be broadcast shortly…

Foxy

 

Dream Diary and Further Plans

Last night’s dream: I was in Morocco on a business/wedding trip.  The hotel I was in was lovely and warm but we didn’t go outside. The floors were white marble.  The walls were a terra cotta colour. There were diaphanous fabrics swinging gently in the doorways.  My skin was getting a healthy glow. Everyone was wearing sumptuous colours, small sandals and everything seemed so much brighter than a winter’s day in England !  I don’t think I met the bride but I was given a number of etiquette lessons in a Muslim country.  For example, when I first meet a Muslim man, I need to bow to the floor and only look at his shoes.  I almost got into serious trouble for looking at someone’s bottom when they bent over!  I seemed to be organising a number of details for the wedding but it didn’t seem taxing.

You can imagine that waking up in England was a slight disappointment after that dream!

I went to the dentist first thing this morning.  It was even closer than I thought it was and I drove there in under 3 minutes.  So I arrived and curled up with Harry Potter on my lap to await my appointment.  Although I was meant to see someone else, a very nice Irishman took me through and looked at my teeth.  He said that I was so good at looking after them that he wouldn’t recommend a hygienist.  “If only all my patients were this good at looking after their teeth,” he said in his lovely Irish accent.  Which reminds me, Helios, if you’re reading this, you need to start flossing as often as I do – no excuses!  Luckily my voice held out for almost the duration of the appointment so I didn’t have to start holding up cards that say “I am not antisocial.  I have laryngitis and am trying not to speak.  Thank you for your patience.”  The best part was, because it’s NHS subsidised, my appointment only cost £16.50 including x-rays (as opposed to £65 for a check up with X-rays at my old private practice dentist)!  I have to say the other reason I’m delighted is that he didn’t try to sell me tooth-whitening.  I don’t mind going somewhere and having necessary work done but when your dentist starts going on and on about things I don’t want or need, I get a bit cross.

When I got to work I didn’t have much in my in tray so I bought the Eurostar tickets to go to France for my 40^thbirthday.  When you buy in advance you don’t pay an arm and a leg (£119 each isn’t bad!) and you also get your choice of seat on the train.  I’ve put us at a table for both journeys so we can listen to an audio book together or read a paper in comfort.  Now I’m looking at presents for The Boy and Euros for us.  I’ll probably get 2-3 books that are good for a 7-8 year old.  His mum told me that she has a hard time finding things to read in English and I thought he may have the same problem.

The Boy speaks both English and French fluently thanks to his parents – his dad is American and his mum is French.  They both take great pains to speak both languages around The Boy and, when he was young, the difference was “Mummy’s words” and “Daddy’s words” not “French” and “English”.  Years ago, when we first met him, he only spoke in English to me because he heard my American accent but only spoke to Helios in French because he didn’t recognise Helios’s accent and thought “He must be use Mum’s words.”  Bless him.  He was only two so no matter how many times we tried to explain that Helios didn’t use Mummy’s words, it didn’t quite sink in.  Luckily Helios has the patience of a saint when it comes to Little ones.  I think they enjoyed each other’s company despite the lack of actual communication!  The other funny thing that happened once while we were there (I can’t think it was that first visit so it must have been the second time) was The Boy came up and stroked Helios’s beard.  I was a little funny about it saying “That’s attached!  That hair is attached!” but The Boy wasn’t pulling Helios’s hair – he was stroking it.  Helios said that he expected The Boy hadn’t seen a beard in the flesh before and wanted to know what it felt like.

Helios had been listening to (bad) dance music and was Dad Dancing around the flat last night.  He wasn’t impressed when I poked fun at him.  He said “I am a dad!”  It’s at times like that that I wish I’d met him when we were younger.  Being childless myself makes me feel as though I slept a decade and when I awoke, all my friends had kids and I was left saying “What’d I miss?”  Not only am I still in shock with the fact that my friends have kids (Who’s that again?), but I’ve got a strange drowsy feeling when they talk about their kids too.  I understand what they say about how kids can be like this or that but I don’t know what living with it is like.  Having said that, I don’t want the step-kids to think that I don’t adore them because I do cherish them – but there are times when I wish I’d have had kids with Helios.  I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would say that I still have time but I don’t want babies of my own.  I don’t have the patience for raising children now.

You know, I have more on this post but don’t want to publish it.  I may or may not in due course so I’ll sign off for now.

Take care

Foxy

 

Reminiscing

I heard a song on the radio this morning that transported me back to grade school: Our Lips are Sealed by the Go-Gos.  I was instantly thinking of my old best friend.  ADG had the Go-Gos album.  Her mom worked at the local bakery and I thought that was a really cool job!  Her dad was in the forces and ADG rarely saw him.  Songs take me to very specific moments: If You Leave me Now by Chicago is always playing somewhere on a rainy morning as I’m being dropped off at day care.  It must be spring but I’m wearing a big coat.  Most Wings songs shout summertime to me – usually I feel I’m in the public pool across town – I can still smell the chlorine!  Although, having said that, I think my little sleepy town was still in shock after the split up of The Beatles because there are certain Beatles songs that I thought were from Wings: Got to Get You Into My Life is one in particular I’m thinking of.  Little River Band is also from the same period as the Go-Gos but a different season.  LRB were a winter band when I was a big school-ager; I would hum their songs while pretending to ice skate in between the rows of corn behind the school.  The ice was thick enough, but the regular mounds of earth would prevent any of us going too far too quickly.

Back then, I used to try to get ribbons into barrettes, put multicoloured beads on safety pins and clipped them to my shoes (the more you had, the more friends you had), wore Britannia jeans (with a little brass label on the back pocket) and wore lip gloss that tasted like bubble gum.  I had a rainbow headband which I would wear red-forward if I were wearing warmer colours and purple forward if I were wearing cooler colours.  Monicals Pizza was just down the road; they had brass coat racks, wooden booths and Mucha paintings which Mom thought looked like Grandma.  I can still smell the sausage and mushroom pizza!  I thought that everything revolved around Washington Street – it was where my friends lived, where I lived, where my school was.  I felt grown up because I was finally among the oldest to go to my primary school and our door was at the back of the building – away from the little children.  I was young enough to appreciate a beautiful spring day by running and jumping, but old enough not to try to beat the cloud shadows across (what seemed to be) the never-ending field on the side of the school.

I even had a little history there: the church on the corner was where I was taken as a very young child for day care.  I remembered the smell of the place and its large wooden coat hooks and playing in the yard.  It wasn’t until many years later that my mom confirmed that that actually was the church where I’d been taken, but at the time I thought it was too much of a coincidence and put the memories out of my mind.

I grew up in a more innocent America .  The words: terrorism, bombs, Endometriosis and recession weren’t in my vocabulary.  I was sheltered by the oceans on either side of my continent.  Back then, the launch of space shuttles was televised and our class stopped so we could watch Space Shuttle Columbia’s lift off.  I dreamt of unicorns, horses and Pegasus.  Other girls had Barbie, I had model horses.  I even rode my red bicycle as if it were a horse: bouncing in time with its canter.  The Muppets made a movie and, because we got into the theatre early I said to Mom, let’s just go in.  So we did and we saw the end and then saw it from the beginning.  Mom, did you ask if we could go because we’d seen the ending?  I’m sure I said I wanted to see the end again if you wanted to get away.  Back then I could eat buttered popcorn without it hurting my stomach.  Magic was everywhere and you could have it if you had enough rainbows around you – so I had prisms hanging on my windows and a rainbow bumper sticker on Mom’s metallic brown car.  Say Mom, do you remember the sound your back used to make on the seats of that horrible car?  It had plastic seat covers and in the (painfully hot!) summer it sounded as though Mom’s skin was coming off when she’d lean forward.

My best friends were three girls: together we were almost a foursome but not quite.  It was mainly me and ADG while SB was best friends with MH.  After a couple of years ADG and SB moved away, I tried to be friends mainly with MH but it didn’t work out.  Being childish, I thought she smelled funny and was a bit dumb.  I didn’t miss them when I got to Junior High and High School.  MH, I found years later, had discovered pot and booze in Junior High.  As we didn’t have any classes together, we didn’t go around in the same circles.  ADG has become a successful business woman in the Midwest .  MH hit the bottom of the barrel and climbed back out the other side.  She’s become a successful manager in a business.  Unfortunately, SB has a chronic illness that has left her unable to work.  She regularly does things for charity and has become a strong, sensitive and funny woman.  Growing up, I thought I’d never see or hear from any of them again.  Although I didn’t think I missed them, It’s wonderful to know what became of us all.

Foxy

 

February Update

This past weekend was busy by my standards.  I took a couple of things to the dump, stopped off in town to get a new clothes horse, dropped off some clothes to the charity shop and then went home where I had a tidy and cleaned the kitchen.  In the meantime, Helios got his car jump started and went on a drive.  As we’re going to see his family next weekend, we wanted to be sure that the battery wasn’t dead.  Luckily it wasn’t.  Helios hadn’t bothered to start the car in a number of months so it’s hardly surprising that the thing didn’t want to start.  Having said that, I’ve also filled my car with petrol (a whopping £35!) so we can get there if Helios’s car doesn’t start next Saturday morning.

I had a nice chat with Helios’s mum on Saturday.  We didn’t talk about anything in particular and then she asked me to get Helios to ring.  So, when he got back from his drive I told him.  He was immediately worried that there was something important that she was going to tell him but it was the usual “nothing in particular” chat with him as well.  He seemed annoyed (because he had worried) but I told him that she’s his mum and she loves him.  I expect what he sometimes forgets is that mums can sometimes worry if they don’t hear from you…

Sunday we coloured my hair – it’s very similar to every other time I’ve coloured it but it’s a bit more red this time.  I went to work hoping that not everyone would notice.  If you’re working in a “professional” and “corporate” environment, it’s a bad idea to turn up in a hair colour that’s shockingly unnatural.  Luckily only a few noticed, so I think I’ve gotten away with it looking reasonably natural again.  I always try to do my hair before seeing Helios’s family.  As much as we all get along, I do want to make an effort!  Of course there’s the bonus of feeling a bit brighter because you’ve had your hair done and you feel that you look nice.

We’ve finalised plans for next weekend.  First it drive down to the West Country.  See Helios’s parents.  Have some lunch together.  Go and check into our hotel.  Unpack.  Go to our favourite restaurant.  We have vouchers/coupons.  It’s also walking distance from the hotel.  It’s not gourmet, but it’s good food at a reasonable price.  Then back to the hotel for some TV and sleep.  We’re meeting Apollo Sunday afternoon and spending time with him.  No doubt we’ll end up in the places we’ve been before but the point is to see him, not the town.  Then it will be back to our favourite restaurant before more sleep.  Monday we trek back home.  It’s only 4 hours but it does feel a chore at the time!

My laryngitis is still pronounced.  I can talk but I squeak through sentences.  Some words come out in a loud whisper.  I’ve pretty much given up on trying to be quiet and I’m sure I’ll regret not having a more concerted effort this week.  However, I just don’t feel that I can take time off work while the only thing that is wrong with me is my throat and voice.  Consequently I’m still struggling and complaining as I go.

Foxy

 

Memorable Weekend

Helios and I went to his hometown again this past weekend.

We left our flat Saturday morning and drove directly to his parents’ flat where we had lunch and a chat.  His mum always makes me laugh.  She gave me the evil eye until I told her how much the hotel room cost: she is never happy until she’s forced some money on us to pay for Helios’s petrol and the hotel room.  In the end, I grudgingly take the money thanking her profusely while doing so.  After that it was the usual chat about everything and nothing in particular.  This time we stayed at their flat to watch our football game, which was nice because Helios’s dad is also a Manchester United fan.  Then we left to check into our hotel, much closer to the waterfront.  We relaxed in our room and I nearly fell asleep watching TV.  But then I decided that I was hungry after all so we took some coupons and went to our favourite restaurant.  Of course we had to wait for a table because we’d not made a reservation but we were happy to sit in the bar and sip cocktails.  An hour later I was rather squiffy and grateful for some food.  It’s less than 5 minutes walk back to the hotel and Helios stayed up to watch the beginning of Match of the Day.

The next morning we were up early and had breakfast downstairs.  Despite the four-floors of rooms, we were the only ones dining.  We made reservations for that evening in the hotel for tea; they were having a Valentines Special: three courses for £15 including coffee afterwards and £10 for a bottle of pink champagne.  It turned out to be a good idea – not only was the food great but the wind and rain made it very unappealing to head anywhere that evening.

We had arranged to meet Apollo in front of a shop at noon on Sunday.  It was great to see him again.  We started off by wandering around town, followed by a sit-down in a Starbucks for coffee and a muffin.  Then we got up and wandered around again.  We always go into the bookshops and I usually get one book that Apollo recommends.  He seemed so excited, he was chatting and chatting away – so much so that I found it hard to contribute to the conversation.  In the end, I gave up trying and just listened.  It was so nice to feel that he likes spending time with us.  When we parted, he took with him a birthday card for Maia (as we won’t be down there again before her birthday) and a big hug from me.  He even threw his arms out in expectation.  I made sure to give him an extra squeeze before I let him go.  What a great guy!

I feel very lucky to have kids in my life, even if they’re not mine.  I feel with them in my life I’m not pressuring myself into having children of my own.  They are my family even if I didn’t give birth to them.

After we parted, Helios said that it was nice that Apollo and I got along so well.  There don’t seem to be any awkward silences when the three of us are together.  Part of me thinks that I never worried that we wouldn’t get along, but I’m sure I must have.  The best part is that I can be myself around Apollo without worrying whether Apollo likes me.  I’m sure we’ll win Maia around eventually too – although my initial thought that his children would get in touch in their 20s may hold truer for her.  I only want to be a better step-mom than mine was.  I think I’m managing it, so far.

The only complaint I had about Sunday was the weather.  It only changed from a light drizzle to a proper shower and then back to a drizzle.  Not very nice but I expect our klatsch managed to dodge the worst of it by ducking into all the different shops.

That evening we stayed in the hotel for our three course meal with pink champagne.   We had a “sharing” starter with deep-fried prawns and chicken, breaded mushrooms, chips, garlic doughballs and tortilla chips.  In truth, it was too much but we polished it off.  We both ordered steak served with grilled mushrooms and a watercress and tomato salad.  I was completely full by the end of this course so we waited a few minutes to order dessert which took moments to arrive at our table.  I had a frabjous lemon tart while Helios had a New York Baked Cheesecake served with strawberry fruit topping and ice cream.  Although I was tempted to stay for the coffee, the longer I sat there, the more I felt like a stuffed just wanted to relax in bed.  So we got the bill and then headed upstairs.

We watched the BAFTAs that night.  It took a lot less time than the Oscars, which in a lot of ways was a very good thing.  As predicted, The King’s Speech was well awarded and for very good reason.

That night I had one of my classic strange dreams.  I think it all started because the bed was so much larger than ours at home:  I’m really not accustomed to a King Sized bed.  This bed I thought was particularly awkward because it had a seam along the length of the bed as if there were two singles pushed together.  I had decided that I didn’t much like it earlier in the trip.  I dreamt that Helios was leaving me because I nag him too much.  He even threw his wedding ring (which looks nothing like his wedding ring) across the room.  It rolled behind a cupboard and I crawled around and popped it on my middle finger and said that I would still be there waiting for him to change his mind.  When I awoke I felt that while it was a scary dream at the time, it was very silly after all.  I told Helios about it and he said that he’d prefer to tell me that I’m nagging too much rather than leave me.  I didn’t need the reassurance but it was nice to have.

Monday was Valentine’s Day.  I gave Helios his Valentines presents – a framed photograph of us and a chocolate heart.  He gave me his too but I’d rather not go into detail about it…  LOL   We had breakfast in the hotel and set off at a reasonable hour.  We left the sunshine behind and drove into Sunday’s rain still pouring over our home.  Why does travelling always make you so tired?  We went to bed at a reasonable time and I went to work as normal.  In some ways I feel as though I’ve not had a break although I know we got away.

This Saturday coming we’re in London to meet up with a couple of Greek friends.  It’s a bit of a story how I met them – or rather her.  I’ve not really met him at all.  She was friends with someone I knew in school.  A couple of years ago our mutual friend introduced us and we’ve been conversing on Facebook all this time.  I sent her some alcoholic cider a twice and she’s sent over some fantastic extra virgin olive oil from her parents’ garden.  We’re getting some cider for her to take home with her and we also picked up a box of West Country Fudge this past weekend.  I will admit that I’m really looking forward to seeing her.  I’m sure the boys will get along well – they’re both football fans so it won’t be difficult to start their conversation off.

Take care

Foxy

 

I am not speaking Greek

Helios and I had a very busy Saturday.  It started far too early because I thought it would take a lot longer to get to and through London to where our Greek friends (Hera and Zeus) were staying.  We arrived over an hour early (10:00 a.m.) but our friends were ready anyway so we dropped off our presents (West Country Fudge and a variety of alcoholic apple cider) and headed out.

The weather was, unfortunately, raining.  I asked Hera why she had to bring it with her, which made her laugh.

We had a look in St James’s Park first before going in to Churchill’s War Rooms.  Hera’s English was superb!  We saw a pelican in St James’s Park and she actually used the word “pelican”!  I studied French for 12 years and I don’t know the word for pelican!  Of course Hera has studied more than one language, which made me feel even smaller.  Why is it that people who start off speaking English rarely pick up other languages?

Churchill’s War Rooms was slightly dark and claustrophobic.  The rooms were filled with mannequins, appliances, maps, electrics and authentic furniture of the period.  I had collected an audio guide at the beginning of the tour but decided not to listen to it once I discovered Helios knew just about as much about the place as the audio guide.  He pointed out the telephones with mismatching hand pieces saying “These would have carried a scrambled or coded signal.”  Once I thought my audio guide may have mentioned something that he would not have noticed: a small round button (much like a doorbell) next to another small round contraption with a bare wire clearly visible.  He had mentioned to our guests more than once that the old bare wires were an obvious hazard.  I called Helios’s attention to this machinery.  At first he was stumped but, before I had the chance to say “I know what it is!” he figured it out: it was a cigarette lighter.  At that point I decided not to listen so much to the audio guide!

The things I will remember most are the lack of light, the cramped living conditions, the pin-holes in the maps to track the Atlantic Convoys (a breathtaking amount of holes), the fact that there were bedrooms as well as offices there.  I cannot imagine living like a troglodyte to avoid bombs!

The gift shop was just as cramped as the rest of the museum.  Helios managed to find a Dandelion and Burdock drink that he insisted I try.  He loved it but I thought it tasted a bit like carbonated cough syrup.  Not terribly nice!

After the obligatory purchase of a fridge magnet and postcard, we headed off toward Leicester Square.  We found a pub and had lunch.  It was fantastic.  The food was great!  Very filling.  Hera and Zeus started to relax a little.  I think Zeus was a little shy but he chatted with us like we’d known each other for years over the meal.

After that we walked and walked.  We headed up to Covent Garden, back through Leicester Square.  We took the tube to Westminster where we crossed the Thames.  We walked along South Bank towards St Paul’s.  We then crossed the Thames again and got to the front steps of St Paul’s.  By this time is was mid-afternoon and my feet were getting sore.

We went back on the tube and walked Zeus and Hera back to their B&B.  Zeus and Hera gave us some fantastic Greek gifts including honey, olives, olive oil, sun-dried tomatoes and Greek sweets.  Delicious!!

It was such a large package that I felt bad for Helios – who insisted on carrying it all the way home.  It was a lovely day despite the grim weather.

Foxy

 

A bit of excitement

I left the flat this morning at my usual time with my usual kit and caboodle with me.  I made dinner in the slow cooker, took the garbage out, took the recycling out, made and ate breakfast, brushed my teeth and took my vitamin. I remembered my lunch, gave Helios a kiss and had my keys in hand.  I locked the door behind me and hopped in the car.  The drive to work was easy as the children are out of school this half-term holiday week.  I was in good spirits.  It’s Friday today and the partner I work for is on holiday today.

I got to town, parked up, marched to the Friday Market and bought some fruit for Helios and some vegetables for me.  I dropped them in the boot of the car and marched up to the office.  I got in, clocked on, put my coat away and sat down when my mobile started ringing.  I wasn’t quick enough and it clicked over to voicemail.  My phone is organised in such a way that I can see who is calling and, as I immediately recognised Helios’s number, I rang him back before checking the voicemail.

In this country there are two door locks – the one in the handle and another deadbolt.  When I left the flat I had locked both – locking Helios inside.  Without realising my mistake, I drove to work leaving Helios to fend for himself.  In order to leave the flat this morning he had to climb out the window and let himself back into the flat to get his coat before walking to work.  Lucky our flat is on the ground floor!  On his way to work he rang me and we laughed through the conversation.  He wasn’t angry at all.  He found it painfully funny and called me a Bonky Wife.  Of course, because he was laughing, I laughed with him.  It’s so nice that he wasn’t angry.  He finds me funny even when he’s probably having a swear at the same time.

While I laughed, I also found the situation painfully embarrassing.  This weekend that door is either going to have major surgery or it’s going to be replaced.  Helios has already said he’d look into it…

In the meantime my friends have gathered around me to ensure I don’t feel too daft.  One of them said that she dunked her cauliflower florettes in tea to see if they taste anything special – they don’t.  The other had an incident with cauliflower last night.  She dished up her husband’s carefully planned meal (as her husband is on a diet) She’d:

“carefully done all of his, presented him with the results, and waited for the usual murmurs of lovely and thanks.  Only got “very nice, apart from the plastic”.  I racked my brains – gammon steak (no plastic), cauliflower and cabbage (no plastic), curry paste (possibility? no don’t think so).  And then it hit me – I’d pureed the cauliflower – and left on the plastic blade guard, so that got pureed too!!”

So even though I didn’t need to be brightened, my friends came to my rescue, reassuring me that we’re all as daft as each other.  Isn’t life grand?

Plans for this weekend include getting the MOT for my car.  The MOT is a test that motorists are required to have on each of their cars every year to ensure the car is road-worthy.  You cannot obtain car insurance without an MOT certificate saying that your car is road-worthy.  I drive a Toyota Yaris so, unless the end of the world is nigh, it should pass the MOT without difficulty.  (Touch wood!!)

Foxy

Stiff Neck

I woke up at 7:00 a.m. this  morning.  At first I felt fine but, I don’t know.  I must have moved strangely or something because my neck is in agony.  I hoped that Helios wouldn’t notice but within 10 seconds he asked how I felt and was my neck OK?  He has some first aid training and knows me well enough to know when I’m moving strangely – but it’s always a surprise when he appears to read my mind like that.

Helios followed me to where my gets the MOT and drove me home so that I wouldn’t have to sit and wait at the garage.  All the way there and back my neck was so sore.  Luckily my car passed the MOT with no problems.

We got back home and I took some painkillers (Lucky I’ve got some serious painkillers I use for my Endometriosis pain!) which helped but not enough.  I took a very hot bath which felt good at the time but I struggled getting out of the bath so I went to bed for an hour or so.

Helios came along and rubbed my neck for a few minutes but that didn’t help much either.  I explained that Mom would sometimes have this too – I remember her saying “It’s as if I’ve turned my head too quickly.”  Helios translated that to “Your neck froze to prevent any further damage being done.”  OUCH!

I spent the rest of Saturday watching TV.  I tried not to move my neck too while doing regular small neck stretching.   Let’s hope I feel better tomorrow!

Have a great weekend!

Foxy

 

PCOS Diet

Well, by PCOS I mean Insulin Resistance.  Studies show that up to 30% of women with PCOS have insulin resistance.  I’m one of the lucky few…  There is a lot of speculation that one may cause the other but so far it’s just a correlation connection.

When I don’t follow my diet, I feel almost drunk.  I have a woolly head, it’s as if there’s a cloud behind my eyes.  I’m clumsy.  I’m in a daydream with no way to come back to reality.  I’m not myself.  However, when I do follow my diet I am my normal switched-on self.  I am accurate at work.  I feel like myself.  It’s worth the effort to keep to the diet!

Weekday mornings

• 2 pieces of low-GI bread toasted with cheese melted on top.
• 2 hard boiled eggs

Weekday afternoons

• One ready meal with extra chicken and spinach or
• One enormous salad (including spinach, chickpeas, olives and cucumber) with one full tin of tuna

Weekday evenings

Meal must revolve around vegetables and meat.  I regularly have:

• Pizza but not eat most of the crust.  Helios likes to eat the bones.
• Chicken stroganoff made in the slow cooker with brown rice or brown pasta and peas.
• Fish and chips with peas – heavy on the fish.
• Sausage and lentil stew made in the slow cooker.  This is a great recipe with chicken broth, tomatoes, onion and carrots as well as sausage and lentils.  I usually throw some thyme in for extra flavour.
• Burgers with salad

 

You get the idea.  When I’m very strict, I aim to eat only 20 grams of carbohydrate per meal per day.  I’m not always that strict.  Sometimes I allow myself some fruit and yoghurt after the evening meal.

At the weekend I allow myself a bit more variety:

Weekend mornings:

• Two pieces of low GI bread toasted with cheese melted on top with Mexican beans and an egg.  Sometimes I add olives or jalapeno peppers as well.  It may sound disgusting (and Helios thinks it looks and smells like cat/dog food) but I’m not allowed cereal nor anything fruity.  I’ve discovered that the best way for me to control my symptoms starts with breakfast!

Weekend afternoons:

• Two pieces of low GI bread toasted with tuna or chicken or turkey and tomato and spinach.  I am allowed mayonnaise and I have been known to use lashings of it in my sandwiches shaped like doorstops!

Weekend evenings:

• Similar to any other evening.  I don’t mind simple, straightforward meals during the day but I do feel the need for variety in the evenings.  I like cooking and enjoy taking the time to make a full English roast or chicken parmesan.  Delicious!

Foxy

 

 

Hope Glows

Helios had been listening to (bad) dance music and was Dad Dancing around the flat last night.  He wasn’t impressed when I poked fun at him.  He said “I am a dad!”  It’s at times like this that I wish I’d met him when we were younger.  Being childless myself makes me feel as though I slept a decade and when I awoke, all my friends had kids and I was left saying “What’d I miss?”  Not only am I still in shock with the fact that my friends have kids, but I’ve got a strange drowsy feeling when they talk about their kids too.  I understand what they say about how kids can be like this or that but I don’t know what living with it is like.  Having said that, I don’t want the step-kids to think that I don’t adore them because I do cherish them – but there are times when I wish I’d have had kids with Helios.   Apollo and Maia, if you ever read this please know that if I ever had kids of my own, I couldn’t love them more than I love you.

When I say I love you, yes I mean both Apollo and Maia.  I’m now imagining Apollo reading this and thinking I’m off my rocker because I’ve only met him a couple of times.  I’d expect Maia to react even more strongly because I’ve not met her at all.  However, the fact of the matter is that I’ve loved you for a long time.  To explain why, I have a story to tell you both.

One morning when I was 11 my mom sat me down.  She was clearly uncomfortable and I wondered if I was in trouble, being 11 I was accustomed to getting in trouble for doing daft things from time to time and Mom would “talk to me” in that way that parents sometimes do.  It was that morning that she told me that she was expecting her second baby.  When she’d finished I thought “I’m not in trouble?” and said “Can I go outside and play?” I wasn’t in shock at that point, rather I was relieved that Mom wasn’t disappointed that I’d done something daft.  It obviously took a number of months for me to realise how much a baby in the house would change my life and, as Mom blossomed, I took more interest in the expected arrival.  I wondered what my sister would look like.  I wondered who she would grow to be, what music she would like, what books she would like, what food she would like, which paintings she would love and if she would be like me.  In this way, and through months of anticipation, I grew to love her.  Without having met her or seen her, I loved her.  I don’t see her as much as I would like but she’s family.  She will always be my sister.  Although she occasionally drives me crazy (She’s family, that’s her job!) I still love her.

When we were dating, Helios sat me down to discuss his past – the time before his second wife came into his life.  I  understood the significance of his two children on his life.  At the time I was in shock for a number of days: I know how a baby changes your life forever.  In pondering the existence of Apollo and Maia, I rediscovered the man I thought I knew.  I found that his revelation only made my feelings for him stronger.  Despite Helios saying “My kids don’t want to know me”,  I couldn’t help but think about them.  As with the impending arrival of my sister, I began to anticipate knowing both Apollo and Maia – what are they like?  What food do they like?  What books do they read?  What are their friends like?  What art do they appreciate?  Do they speak another language?  What do they want to do when they grow up?  I was desperate to see them.

I surmised that one of them would get in touch with us eventually.  Having experience as a child of divorced parents, I put myself in their shoes and could only see them getting in touch.  Helios was unconvinced and told me not to get my hopes up.  I was delighted when Maia got in touch a year ago.  I remember that night well.  I left to do the dishes to let them have a little time together.  He kept popping into the kitchen and telling me about her.  His chin was on the floor all night.  I could have knocked him over with a feather when he came to the realisation that it really was her.  Before Maia got in touch, Helios had found that the only way he could live with the knowledge that Apollo and Maia were out there was to give up the hope that they would ever want to know him.  Hope is a funny thing after all – sometimes it gives you a glow of warmth and comfort and sometimes, if neglected, it can shrivel and shrink like a raisin in the sun.  Perhaps because I had come into Helios’s life more recently, I hadn’t had the time to let hope whither.  For me, hope glows still for contact with Maia.

As with the arrival of my sister, I couldn’t help but love Apollo and Maia.  But then, who wouldn’t?

Foxy

Surrounded by Mommies

I’ve had a stiff and sore neck all weekend long.  I really don’t know how I’ve managed it but I was sitting on the couch on Saturday when I turned to get my drink when the left-hand side of my neck went into spasm.  It’s been agony.  I’ve tried a very hot bath, Helios gave me a massage for as long as I could stand him touching my neck, Helios prescribed gentle neck stretches which I’ve been doing regularly (and they seem to help),  I’ve taken paracetamol and mefenamic acid for the pain, I’ve rubbed ibuprofen gel into my neck with varying degrees of success.  I have managed to sleep through the night over the past couple of nights.  I assume means that either it’s not as bad as it could be or it means that I’m so accustomed to surviving through worse pain that this doesn’t seem so bad!

As I walked into the office this morning like Frankenstein’s monster, my boss asked me if I’ve been to the doctor.  So I found myself ringing the doctor and asking for an appointment.  I organised a taxi there and back (a luxury I can ill afford) and went.  When I told her all about it she  had a feel of my neck – which cannot have been easy because her hands were so painfully cold!  Her surgery window was wide open and I didn’t want to even take my coat off!  She said that Helios was right and was looking after me properly.  I needed to continue with the stretching – 20 times a day – and that the pain should be gone within a week.  I wasn’t even given any painkillers or muscle relaxants!  I wasn’t terribly surprised that the doctor was of no help I know that they don’t have magic wands and cannot wipe away every ailment, it would have been nice to be referred to a physiotherapist like I’d asked.  Honestly, I pay for extra private medical insurance and I don’t get any use out of it because my doctor doesn’t want to refer me – well that’s just dumb.

I got back to the office to a whirlwind of questions.  What did the doctor say?  Did she give you anything?  Are you being referred?  Should you be lifting anything?  Honestly, there were three of my work colleagues clucking over me like mother hens!  In the end I said “MOTHER  PLEASE!!” and they quietened down again.  It was nice.

In other news, I received a plea from Endometriosis UK asking for volunteers to help a graduate student doing a psychological study on endometriosis sufferers.  The study examines how women talk about endometriosis in their daily lives in order to get a sense of how women with endo make sense of living with chronic illness.  Of course, I’ve been in touch.  I’m hoping to try and see this person in the next couple of weeks and will let you know how I get on.  I am keen to help in any way I can.  I told the MSc student that I was originally from the US but now am a British citizen and, thankfully, this won’t matter.  I figure that any way that I can help the cause I ought to try!

Foxy

 

Pain in the Neck

While I have more movement in my neck, I am still taking painkillers and anti-inflammatories.  I am regularly doing my neck stretching and this, above everything else I’ve tried, has helped tremendously.  I think I’ve improved even on yesterday: I can now comfortably look down as I’m walking downstairs, I can slowly turn my head to see people talking to me, and I can stretch my ear towards my shoulders.  All of these things were very uncomfortable yesterday and not quite as bad today.  I’m still doing my stretches and pulling funny faces at the same time.

I’ve also been feeling a bit woolly headed.  I don’t know if it’s a combination of painkillers and pain in the neck, if my stretches are doing something funny to me – and I say this because I’ve had a number of instances when my vision is slightly wonky for a second or two after a stretch, or if I’ve been having too much sugar recently.  Actually, I know I’ve had more than my fair share and have cut down significantly over the past week.  I hadn’t thought I’d have odd symptoms after a week…

While I have been sleeping, I’ve not been sleeping particularly well.  The past couple of nights I’ve had strange dreams.  To be fair, I don’t know if the cause of my dreams is because I’m at that point in my cycle when I should expect to have odd dreams or if it’s the pain in my neck.  Let’s call it a combination of the two.  I dreamt last night that I was in Ramman’s big house as Ramman’s cleaner.  I had to climb up one set of stairs to the third floor, then across and down another set of partially built stairs to the kitchen where I was to clean the house.  Ramman was no where to be seen (which was par for the course while he and I were married) and Helios was with me.  Helios was wearing yellow rubber gloves and was helping with the dishes.  Was it another metaphor of how much better I feel my life is now?

Apollo had a work experience day yesterday in lieu of an interview.  I think it’s a bit cheeky asking people to come and work for you for free while you decide if you want them but it was a kitchen so it might finally be the first step for him owning his own café/bistro.  Apollo didn’t give us any news last night so I’m hoping that means that he hasn’t heard just yet.  The other current possibility is a warehouse job that will give him extra qualifications.  OK, it’s not a kitchen but at least it sounds like they’re happy to invest in their employees.  I do hope he finds something good soon!

Foxy

 

A New Way to Wear a Bra…

Last night I brought home a new bra.  I wanted something as comfortable as my sports bras that Helios gave me for Christmas.  My new one isn’t anything special – I just wanted a bra comfortable enough to wear to work.  I start to get frantic with underwire bras that stab me in the boob all day long!  I detest looking for bras.  At 34E, I feel I never find any thing that’s attractive and comfortable: anything remotely attractive isn’t supportive enough and the ones that are supportive start just below my chin and end above the belly button.  Yesterday I finally found one without wires and lacy.  It’s comfortable enough to wear all day.  I held it up to Helios for his expert opinion.  He said “Coa!  That’s massive”, pulled it from my hands and proceeded to pull it onto his head.

If you ask me, I don’t think you can really trust a man who, when presented with a bra, doesn’t pull it over his head.

I have seen a number of friends over the past few days.  A couple of people are leaving Liz’s Courts Service and I had lunch with a couple of them on Thursday.  It’s nice that they’re moving to bigger and better things but sad that I probably won’t get to see some of them as often.

Later that night I saw T&L for dinner where we put the world to rights.  Normally we have dinner at T’s or meet in my village but this time I drove to L’s village.

Today I saw another friend who I treated very delicately.  She had her appendix out a few weeks ago so I told her that we’d meet and have lunch but I would insist on driving her home.  I didn’t realise that they could do an appendectomy by laparoscopy but that’s what she’s had.  She was obviously a little sore around the belly button (I could tell because she sat back in her chair as much as possible at lunch.  We only had a couple of hours together but it was nice to catch up with her – if only to make sure that she’s feeling better!

Tomorrow I’m planning on watching the Manchester United v Liverpool game and not doing much else.

Foxy

 

Endometriosis March

I still haven’t heard anything more from the grad student: the one doing the psychological study of endometriosis effect on women.  I hope she does get in touch.

Endometriosis March is the continuing effort to bring Endometriosis awareness to the general public.  For me, pain is the defining symptom of endometriosis.  Pain is something I’ve had a relationship with for decades.  I have been in so much pain that I have learned new ways to describe pain:  on a scale of 1 to 10 my pain today is 2.  When I get my period this can go from 2 to 8.  Eight for me means I curl up in the foetal position, I have a hot water bottle on the small of my back.  Sometimes the pain is worse: I have been known to have such pain that I have given myself 3^rd degree burns on the small of my back without noticing.

When I was 12 I had pain so bad that I would vomit.  It took about six months before my mom made the connection between my vomiting and my periods.  Why any doctor would say that a child who vomits from pain is “just cramps” is beyond my comprehension.  I’d have to say that pain was a 13 on the scale of 1 to 10 at that point, mainly because my body simply wasn’t accustomed to feeling that much pain yet.

With all the pain I endured in my life, you may think that I feel weak.  You would be mistaken.  I think the pain I have endured has made me stronger: it’s taken years but I now know how to manage my pain.  I manage my cycle so that it doesn’t interfere with my job.  I know how to communicate with doctors to get the treatment I need.  I have a positive outlook on life.  I’m a proud survivor.

Ultimately women with endometriosis are wives, sisters, daughters and friends. Some have even been lucky enough to be mums. Our suffering makes us sensitive to others in pain. Our endurance has made us stronger individuals than you’d expect. You are not alone.

Foxy

 

Illness and Your Relationship with Your Other Half

Illness doesn’t just affect the sufferer.  It also affects everyone you love.

So, here’s some sisterly relationship advice from Foxy:

Working out how a relationship will work is more productive than if it will work.  The good news is that men (generally speaking) like to work out problems and if you involve him, he may be more likely to want to work through the process with you.  I have found that women communicate to share – because a problem shared is a burden lessened.  I like to call this process “venting” or “moaning”.

Men, however, communicate to solve problems – Helios likes to say that men are “genetically designed” to do certain things, this includes carrying the shopping, taking out the garbage and generally carrying out all heavy lifting around the house, but he expects me to ask him for help when I need it.  His genetic disposition doesn’t generally include talking for hours on end.  So, you can start a discussion like this “I have a problem and I need your help to fix it”.  If at that point you say “I’m desperate just for you to listen.” – he will listen if he loves you.  However, don’t expect him to react the way your girlfriends do – he will be thinking about solutions to your problems.  This doesn’t mean that he hasn’t listened: it means that he’s reacting according to his genes and trying to be positive where he sees that you seem down.

Don’t dwell on the past.  Think instead that this relationship will work and then set out goals to achieve – envisage how it will work.  Discuss your dreams with your man and set common goals (but not in stone).

Be honest with yourself as well as with others, this can be difficult – you cannot be truly honest with others until you’re honest with yourself.  My example of this is my wanting a hysterectomy instead of children.  I decided against wanting children because while I was enamoured with the romantic notion of having children, I knew I didn’t want the hard work, responsibility and sacrifice required to raising a child.  It was a hard decision but I know it was right for me and am still happy with it.

So, tell your other half about your symptoms.  Talk about the best way to cope with how you’re feeling.  Find ways to express yourself that are not destructive – don’t go a bit curt simply because you’re in pain.  Tell your other half first that you are in pain and then discuss the chores for the evening – he will be delighted to help because he loves you.  Don’t be afraid to take the time that you need to recover every month.

Think positive and don’t think that you’re weak because you’ve asked for help.

Foxy

 

Children and Divorce

I’ve been in touch with some old friends recently –I was really shocked to find that most of my old high school friends have children and that most of them are divorced!

Now, I need to take my hat off to my mother.  Back in the 70s she left my dad but she absolutely insisted that I see him regularly.  Now, I’m not saying that there weren’t arguments, but on the whole I was lucky enough to have plenty of access to both parents.

I am incredibly lucky to have such an enlightened mother!  There are so many children out there who don’t get to see both their parents regularly.  I’m not just talking about Maia and Apollo, I’m talking about a number of my friends who either deny access to fathers or have access to their children denied to them.

For example, there’s a bloke I’ve been corresponding with (someone I knew in high school) whose ex-wife is an alcoholic and a slob.  He sent me photos of her house and I couldn’t tell that it was a bathroom until I realised there was a toilet underneath and behind a mountain of dirty clothes, broken baby toys and garbage bags.  Her house is so bad that the dogs pee and poop in the house!  I can’t imagine trying to raise children in that environment!  The sad thing is the alcoholic pee-stained mother has custody while my friend is the one who has been denied access.  He’s suing his ex-wife and I’m wishing him luck.

Being childless is a mixed blessing.  I like my life now, but there will always be a small part of me that will wonder what would have happened if I had said to Helios: “Let’s make a baby!”  However, as much as I couldn’t imagine my life without kids when I was younger, I can’t imagine my life with babies now.  I’m so much more relaxed and contented than I’ve ever been.  I’ve got the good side of having a relationship with a couple of great step-kids in Apollo and Maia (presuming Maia grows out of that “17 year old” phase eventually) without the complicated side of dirty diapers, taking time off work when they’re sick and worrying about how well they’re doing in school.  Oh sure, I know everyone who has children says that they’re worth it, but I adore the step-kids I have.  Why would I want to make someone else?

Foxy

Life in a circular form

For my mother who started the circle turning.

It was 20 years ago today that I turned 20. Twenty was a hard year for me. Firstly my sister’s father died on my 20th Birthday. I think I’m right in remembering that he was only 54. Bowel cancer. Yet another cancer that’s got a lot to answer for… I remember that night well. I was staying as a guest at Mom’s house (My old room was turned into a guest bedroom when I left for university.) when she got the call that he’d gone. Of course it was the middle of the night and my sister was already asleep. I don’t know how but Mom shoved her contact lenses in without hurting herself but she raced to get dressed and dashed out the door. After she left, I stood in my sister’s bedroom doorway, wishing there was a way I could protect her from what would happen to her the next morning. I was helpless in misery. Her life had changed and she didn’t even know it yet. Mom had left me with strict instructions to let my sister sleep so I did. I had classes early the next morning so I left before my sister woke up. I burned at the thought that my sister had lost her father. Wasn’t there something that I could do? There wasn’t. The funeral was moving but I only remember bits of it: photos going into the coffin, the gentle smile of someone who knew him as a friend, and meeting my sister’s paternal sisters. However, my main memory was of standing next to my uncle by the grave; we looked at one another with a strong determination, almost telling one another “We’ll get them through this” while my mom and sister were crying.

Mom came to visit me in my apartment a couple of weeks later. She was obviously still raw with emotion but I had to tell her something important: did she realise that he had died on my 20th birthday? No, and immediately she was shocked. I could see guilt coming to her eyes – which was not the emotion I wanted from her. I told her that he’d had 365 days to choose from to die and he chose my birthday so I thought it must mean something. I expect, knowing her the way he did, he wanted her to have happy memories of that day and be happy for the time that they had together. She could allow herself to be happy on the anniversary of his death because it was also my birthday. He died on my birthday because he wanted her to be happy: and he knew I wouldn’t take it personally. He really was a stunning man and I still miss him.

My useless boyfriend seemed to be of very little help to me at that time. Twenty was the year that I would be rid of him. I left him for a number of reasons: I was keen to have babies while he determined not to, I was discovering my religion (not something I talk about because I consider my relationship with My Maker to be personal and private) while he was determined to make me into an atheist, and he was already taking me for granted even though we’d only been together a couple of years. It was a cocktail that was lethal to the relationship but very good for me as a person: I felt I had the moral high ground when I left him. I felt like a stronger individual. Although it wasn’t easy, it was the right thing to do.

Mom, am I right in thinking that Twenty was also the year I changed majors at university? I started in Elementary Education and moved to European History when I decided that I might go for teaching older students. Once again, it was the new and improved stronger individual that made the decision when I walked into an elementary education maths class and a professor tried to tell me that 2×2 is not 4 – it’s 2 groups of 2. Now, I don’t know about you, but I didn’t want to spend my hard-earned money only to discover that 2×2 is not 4! To be sure I was doing the right thing, I sent my CV to the local high school and did some volunteer work for a fantastic teacher. I would have made a great teacher, even she said so. I volunteered for a number of years at the high school and I’m still in contact with that fantastic teacher; although she has moved on to bigger and better things.

Now it’s twenty years after my 20th birthday and I’m still seeing the circular pattern that life has given me: I formulate my ideas; I go forward to implement my ideals and come back to reaffirm my philosophy. Theory into practice into theory again. There are times when practice will change your personal philosophy. Sometimes events reaffirm your beliefs. Some things don’t change: 2×2 still equals 4. The two most important women in my life are my mom and sister. Some things change for the better: I’m on my second marriage and I have two great stepkids. My stepson will be 20 this year – I wonder what life has in store for him? My theory is the circle rolls on…

Foxy

Endometriosis March: Endo, PCOS and Infertility

I saw someone I used to work with when I went to the grocery store with Helios today.  As we climbed out of his Volvo (which is the size of a small continent), I saw her.  I’ve not seen her in years.  She looked great.  Immediately I marched over and asked her how she was.  She smiled, waved and pointed at the monstrously large car and said “Aren’t you getting the baby out?”

It’s the littlest questions that have the potential of knocking you for a six.

I didn’t bother explaining about the Endometriosis, the miscarriages, the incessant pain, the PCOS, the depression; I just smiled and said I never had babies.  When is a good time to tell old friends about this sort of thing?  I suppose I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to start to sound militant in the middle of the grocery car park.  Can you imagine?  “This, then this, then this, and another thing – pain, suffering, pain and more pain.”  Poor thing would dread running into me again, I can assure you!  But then, this is Endo Awareness Month; I should have at least mentioned it.  Perhaps I’ve gone too British for my own good?

Lucky for me I feel OK about bumping into her.  Had I run into her a couple of years ago I probably would have been devastated at her logical observation: big car = little family.  Now I don’t feel angry or upset by it.  I don’t feel that she’s attacked my femininity.  I haven’t broken down in tears because I cannot have children of my own.  It’s a testament to my state of mind now as well as my relationship with Helios and Apollo that I don’t feel depressed.  All the pain that I’ve experienced has made me grateful for the peace and calm I feel now.  As she drove away, I waved and smiled at her.

Foxy

Soul peace

Making others happy

I thought that peace was something that you could achieve and put the certificate on your wall; it would give you the ability to react to certain situations, you’d always be calm when dealing with stress, you would be perfect.  The sad fact of the matter is that perfection is unattainable.  I’m paraphrasing Steven Hawking when I say that, had the matter in the universe been perfectly and uniformly distributed throughout the universe, the universe would have remained static, thereby achieving perfection in its uniformity.  How dull is that?  Imperfection makes beauty. Lucky for me, perfection was never something that I was interested in.  I preferred to count the smiles I made in others as my life’s achievements.

Even though I’ve tried to make others happy for many years, it’s only been more recently that I’ve been content in myself.  Although I consider myself at peace, I do not sit on a cloud and spout philosophy all day.  I have a full-time job and a mortgage.  I have many of the destructive emotions that everyone else does.  I have been known to give other drivers the two-fingered salute when I felt they desperately needed it.  I occasionally get frustrated with my body and the pain that I go through with my numerous chronic illnesses.  I regularly shout at the television when my favourite football team is playing.  In short, I’m just like everyone else.

You cannot help how you feel.  We all feel anger, fear and aggression from time to time.  The point is to try and take your negative emotion and turn it into a positive.  For example, rightly or wrongly, I was very angry when George W Bush came to be president, very angry indeed.  I have found that I feel better when I make people laugh so I put my “Cat in the Hat” hat on and walked to work that day.  There were so many people pointing and laughing that I couldn’t help myself and I began to laugh too.  Anger fades into mist amongst cheerful laughter, so long as you join in!

You can only change the world through positive steps.  I expect to make people laugh everyday.  I smile at strangers.  I try and forgive misdemeanours.  Before you know it, strangers are acquaintances who say “Good morning” and “Terrible weather we’re having, isn’t it?”  I’m not saying we have to be life-long friends with everyone we meet, but certainly the world feels a better place when everyone makes the effort to be pleasant to one another.

Simply smiling is more important than you’d imagine.  When I was studying at university, I was also a security guard in an art museum.  I found the portrait room to be of particular interest: the clothes, the hats, the symbolism were all of historical significance.  The most important part of the portrait was the facial expression of the subject.  Who wants to try and imagine what someone would say if their face looks like they’ve just swallowed a lemon?

Making yourself happy

The difference between making others happy and achieving soul peace is by being true to yourself.  Being true to yourself sounds easy but I’ve found it’s much easier to put yourself on the back burner and think of others first.  As a woman I have a number of expectations that society puts on me, my family puts on me, my friends and co-workers expect of me.  I feel that society at large expects women to be a certain size, shape and to always want to have children.  My family and friends have certain obvious expectations: remembering birthdays, organising to see one another regularly and keeping in touch.  Co-workers expect me to have a certain level of experience and expertise as well as being pleasant 99% of the time no matter what saga you may be going through at home.  Living up to all this expectation can leave us forgetting ourselves.  Is it little wonder that I found making others happy easier than trying to sort myself out?

Ultimately it was that little voice in the back of my head that wouldn’t go away – for the years I was with Ramman – “I don’t want to be here anymore,”  “I’m tired of all this drama,”  and “Find me somewhere quiet where I can ponder my navel for a while.”  Now, thanks to the right man and the right job, I have a quiet head.  The only drama in my life comes from Maia at the moment, and that’s not exactly a chore because I know she’ll grow out being a teenager eventually.

You can have happiness coming from outside and peace coming from within yourself.  I’ll never have the peace certificate on my wall but I’ve got more accolades than I’ve ever dreamt of.

Foxy

 

Endometriosis March: How I live with Endo

How I live with Endo has changed over the years.  When I was 12, the short answer was I didn’t.  I was told by an ignorant doctor that I had “cramps” and that pain was to be expected.  What doctor would consider a child vomiting from pain to be remotely normal??  When I was in my teens I suffered greatly.  I missed some school from pain and when I didn’t stay at home, I would miss key points in classes because I was so zoned out on painkillers.  I don’t really know how I got accepted to university but I must have been smarter than your average bear.

In my 20s I discovered birth control and this effectively masked my symptoms totally.  I had nearly a decade of feeling like a normal woman.  My periods were light and virtually pain-free.  I was relieved from my painful burden.  I did reasonably well at my university course – I even made the dean’s list one semester.  God, I miss those days!!

In my 30s I began to try for babies; what little success I had ended in miscarriage.  The pain was as bad as ever.  I remember once my ex-husband, Ramman, said to me that my pain was ruining any holiday time that we ever had (including when we went to Portugal, the West Country and Greece).  Of course he was insensitive: it’s not as if I was bleeding from the eyes.  He couldn’t see why I was in pain.  When I was finally diagnosed at the age of 35, my ex-husband still couldn’t understand why I was in so much agony.  He made the point that he wasn’t particularly interested in gynaecological matters.  His inability to attempt to sympathise is another reason why he’s now my ex-husband!

I wonder how many other relationships have been destroyed by Endo?

Currently I take birth control for 9 weeks and then allow myself a short period before my lengthened cycle starts again.  It sounds easy enough but PMT can last weeks and I tend to carry a bit of excess water.  However, when faced with the choice of my familiar pain or PMT, I’d rather a bit of PMT (which I treat effectively with Milk Thistle) and feel a bit podgy.  Lucky for me, Helios is sensitive to my plight, he’s never considered me lazy because I need to lay in bed with a hot water bottle; he doesn’t give me any extra stress.  In fact, he told me recently when I was bemoaning my weight/size that I shouldn’t lose any weight: he likes me just how I am.

Foxy

Endometriosis March: How I feel about Endo

My emotions about the illness has changed over the years.  When I was young I used to dread the arrival of my period.  I remember saying to my mother that I was jealous that she wasn’t having periods while she was pregnant.  It’s indicative of my pain and the dread I felt when contemplating my pain when I didn’t consider pregnancy a drastic act just to avoid 9 periods.

I felt vindicated when I finally had the diagnosis of endometriosis at the age of 35.  While in some ways it was a relief to finally know the name of my arch nemesis, it was also a disappointment to know that I had suffered for over 20 years without appropriate treatment.  No.  Disappointment isn’t the right word.  I was angry.  I am still angry.  I regularly call doctors “idiots in white coats” with venom in my voice.  How dare you think that that much pain is remotely normal?  How dare you take the easy option by giving me ineffective painkillers instead of referring me for the surgery that I was so desperate for!

Endo for me now is a familiar pain.  It is something I no longer dread but it is something that I still hate.  I hate the fact that I have to organise my bodily functions in order that I won’t suffer while at work.  I hate the fact that I have suffered pain for decades before I got a diagnosis.  I hate the fact that the only treatment I have found remotely effective is something that masks the symptoms.  Imagine having a toothache and being told you can only take aspirin for it, no root-canal, no cap, no filling, no tooth extraction – just aspirin.  It’s just not good enough!  I hate the fact that the time in my life that I wasn’t suffering symptoms, I had so much potential.  I felt I could achieve anything.  I don’t feel that way anymore.

Endo hasn’t just attacked my body.  Another casualty was my first marriage.  Being fair, the end of the first marriage had several causes but Endo was certainly one of the nails in the coffin.

My dreams of becoming a teacher were also – in part – crushed by Endo.  Despite the fact that I’m intelligent enough to achieve great things, I never had a career.  When I was in my early 20s I had a successful university career.  These days I’ve settled into my body and strictly manage my stress levels so that when I have “off” days at work, no one notices.  I don’t want too much responsibility because I fear what my body will do to snooker my chances at a proper career.  I’m content in this now, but in my 20s and early 30s this was a real problem for me.  I felt I wasn’t living up to my potential.  I felt guilty that I’d gone to university, while holding down a job, and doing volunteer work but couldn’t seem to do anything after that.  I put too much pressure on myself.

These are the things I’ve had to overcome thanks in part to Endo.  It’s hard to adequately express how Endo has affected my relationships and coloured my views.  Despite my chronic illnesses, I am happier now than I ever have been.  Endo cannot take that from me.

Foxy

Endometriosis Awareness

My fantastic step-son Apollo saw my Facebook status about Endo Awareness.  I discovered I was embarrassed to tell him about Endometriosis.  I didn’t give him any significant details because I’d rather tell him in person if he’s interested.  It’s hard to highlight Endometriosis Awareness when I’d rather discuss the gory details with a woman!

Bless him.  Apollo just said, “OK I’m aware” – as if to say “Thanks for the public service announcement!”

Foxy

 

 

Colposcopy

I’ve been sent a colposcopy appointment on 30^th March.  My most recent smear test was in January.  I’m not worried because it’s not the first time I’ve had this sort of thing done and, I figure, if it was terribly urgent, they would have called me in immediately.  Having said that, I’m not looking forward to it either.  The letter this time made me think they’re inviting a camera crew in there this time!  I’ve had more doctors than boyfriends!  It’s awful that I didn’t have more fun when I was young, eh?

I hate parking down the road because I can never find a parking spot at the hospital; I hate the time that I have to take off work, and I hate the indignity of lying on a table with my legs in the air.  If only there was another way to find scary objects without the use of rubber gloves, a speculum and a camera crew!

Helios asked me if I wanted him to come along.  I told him no because last time I had a colposcopy it was painful.  I told him after the first time that I was glad he didn’t come along because once it started to feel painful, Helios probably would have decked the doctor doing the procedure.  He’s good at charming the locals.  (!)

I just hope that they don’t try to sell me the coil again.  I tried the coil in 2006 in the hope that it would help my endometriosis but it didn’t and, worse, it twisted my bowel in two places – so I had my second laparoscopy to sort it all out!  During my most recent smear test the ignorant nurse told me that I should try the coil and said she’d never heard of the coil having the side effect of twisting bowels.  I hate it when I have to correct medical personnel!

Foxy

 

 

No touch knickers

In anticipation of my biopsy on 30^th March, I’ve allocated myself a period starting this weekend.  It’s not exactly time yet but I have been bloated for a week or two and I’ve been hot generally.  Does anyone else feel so hot at night that they kick the covers off?  I think I’ll probably find having my period a relief.

In anticipation of starting this weekend, I’ve already put on my “no touch knickers”.  These are my large grey-pink granny-knickers that I only wear during this time of my cycle.  I find it a subtle way of telling Helios exactly what’s happening without having to shout “I’m going to have a period”.  Helios saw me sporting these enormous monstrosities and said “No touch knickers already!?!” this morning as if he cannot quite believe the passage of time, or perhaps it’s because he doesn’t like his “week off”?

Today was the first day I didn’t take my pill, so it nothing exciting has happened just yet.  I feel my usual woolly-head and slight disorientation but no pain.  Despite this, I’ve taken a couple of ibuprofen, just to get a grip on the pain before it takes hold of me.

Last night I had even stranger dreams than normal.  I was surrounded by people with green heads and they were being persecuted so I was nice to them and helped them start an uprising.  Bearing in mind I’d seen “The Mask” at the weekend, it’s not such a stretch of imagination – thank God!

Foxy

Endometriosis March: Femininity

Femininity: Having the qualities of a woman; appropriate to the female sex.  Including, in a good sense, modest, graceful, affectionate, confiding; or, in a bad sense, weak, nerveless, timid, and pleasure-loving.

I can’t help but wonder that some of the negative adjectives associated with femininity may be strongly associated with gynaecological problems.  For instance, historically speaking (when medicine wasn’t as advanced as it is now) women would take to their beds for a week.  Were our mothers and grandmothers suffering with Endo?  Unable to adequately explain the pain they suffered as a proper diagnosis would be years, decades, or even centuries away, it’s little wonder they were considered weak, delicate, nerveless, timid, pleasure-loving, effeminate and feminine!

But how has Endo affected MY feelings of femininity? I have to point to the things that identify me as a woman: breasts, periods, curves, etc. I will remind you that I was an early developer: I had the beginnings of my breasts at 10 and I began menstruating at the tender age of 12. My pain at that point was so severe that my periods were punctuated with vomiting from the agony. I used to dread my periods. It’s hard enough at that age to carry around womanly accoutrements without the distress that I associated with my periods. There were times when I wished I’d been born a boy. When my mother was pregnant with my baby sister, I felt envious that she was effectively skipping 9 periods. Even as a teenager I wondered how I could go about getting a hysterectomy. Of course, this didn’t happen, but I hope it illustrates the fact that I was in desperate pain – I felt trapped in a body that was fighting my conscious self.

Without a proper diagnosis, I was told my pain was “just cramps” – none of my school friends seemed to suffer like I did.  I thought I was unlucky but normal.  I became two people: the student and work colleague who is intelligent and competent; the other person is fearful, curled into the foetal position, clutching a hot water bottle and popping anti-inflammatories and painkillers.  In the past my pain has been so intense that I’ve given myself 3^rd degree burns on my back (complete with blisters) but it felt good at the time as the heat alleviated some of my endo pain.

The fact that I have regular chronic pain, to my mind, means that I’m strong.  I’m strong for learning how to cope, I’m strong for learning how to manage my pain, I endure pain and this makes me stronger every cycle I endure it.  Like the Rock of Gibraltar, I am battered by things that could easily destroy me, but I endure.

As much as I associate having breasts with being a woman, I also associate pain with being a woman.  Being a woman isn’t just about pain, I also feel attractive – my husband first called me Foxy and I took it as my assumed identity for this blog.  Truly being a woman is about pain as well as grace, affection, trust and strength.

Foxy

US/UK Internal Exams

I was lucky enough to start my gynaecological life at Planned Parenthood in the US.  I went for my first exam and they were brilliant.  They helped teach me to relax.  I was always in the same position.  They had enough light to see.  They always had their instruments within reach.  They told me what to expect before they started anything.  They were gentle.  Consequently I feel that internal exams are uncomfortable but not painful.

My one of my first internal exams in the UK I was asked if a trainee could do the job.  Well, I was so confident and relaxed I said “No problem!”  This idiot put the implements in horizontally, not vertically.  He was spreading me wider and wider but had no decent view of my best feature.  His supervisor pointed out the error and this trainee – who is still a soprano thanks to his next move – pushed the implement from horizontal to vertical without collapsing it first.  It is little wonder that I grabbed him by the soft dangly bits and said “DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!”

Generally speaking, the exam is different in the UK.  I remember being very confused: I scooted to the end of the table and tried to put my feet into non-existent stirrups.  Here, women are expected to lie on the middle of the table with their legs bent.  Doctors in the UK have to reach over a leg, move the light several times, and reach back and forth for the instruments just to get to your best feature.  It’s little wonder that I spent one year going back and back to the doctors in order for them to find my cervix.  At one point I five attempts to get a decent sample for my annual smear test.  By the end of it, I was concerned that there was something evil lurking in my best feature but I was finally given the all-clear.

The thing that’s the same on both sides of the Atlantic: you have to lay back and think of England!

Foxy

 

Avoiding Stress

To my Endo Support Club: Thanks for the inspiration!

Also, to my sister who is always supportive.

A couple of weeks ago my sister told me that she meditates every day and she found it to be helpful in her day to day life.  She goes into the closet (which isn’t so odd because their closet is of the “walk-in” variety) and sits cross-legged with her hands on her knees. If you can clear your head and concentrate on just breathing for five minutes, you feel better able to take on the world.  As you know, I’ve never had a problem with feeling like I can take on the world (Final Score: Foxy 1 – World 0!) but I regularly have a hard time relaxing.

In particular, I have a hard time falling asleep when my brain won’t switch off.  My sister said that the best thing to do is gently direct your monkey mind back to your breathing.  I couldn’t help but love the phrase “monkey mind”.  It’s exactly how my brain behaves at night when I’m desperate to go to sleep and it wants to go in 5 different directions at once: What will I wear tomorrow? What food will I cook tomorrow night? When will we next go to see Apollo next? August is too far off really!  Should we go to Greece in November? When will I see Maia? What’s happening at work tomorrow?  Should I give myself another period before my trip to France at the end of April?  What will my biopsy results be? No.  I don’t want to organise a Greek trip until I know what my biopsy results are.  I can’t wear my green dress tomorrow: I don’t have clean black camisole to go with it.  I think I should wear my black jumper with the tan suede skirt – but I might be too hot in that.  Did I boil enough eggs to last me to the rest of the week?   I must remember to check I’ve got enough eggs first thing tomorrow morning.

I know my sister meditates in the morning but, in an effort to try and get some regular sleep, I have been meditating at night.  I used to do some visualisations at the end of yoga lessons so I’m remembering that and trying to calm my mind ready for sleep.  I find sleep is a rare commodity with my monkey mind!

So last night when one of the gals in The Endo Club seemed to be struggling I asked her what she is doing to try to eliminate stress from her life?  The thing about stress is that it silently makes things seem worse than they are.  When we are calm and confident then pain is endured in perspective.  The Club came up with a number of ways to help: listening to music, painting, writing, meditating, etc.

When I talk about endo pain I try and remember to use the word “endure” and not “suffer”.  To my mind, the word suffering implies that we’ve all got the backs of our collective hands up against our foreheads and dramatically falling to a feinting couch whereas endurance implies something that we tolerate – like a long-distance runner, we go through terrible pain to reach the finish line, only to start the process again every new cycle.  Or perhaps a better analogy is the Rock of Gibraltar: we regularly face things that would defeat others, yet there we are standing defiant against the wind, rain and storms.  It’s not easy living with chronic illness, but you can’t let it get on top of you.

Hoping for a pain-free tomorrow!

Foxy

 

 

Buddhism

My sister recently went on a yoga/inspirational seminar weekend with her boyfriend and his family.  She described it as The Griswolds meet Eat Pray Love.  Her boyfriend, let’s call him Knight, updated his blog with details of what he thought of the experience – very entertaining bless him.  All this philosophy brings me to some ways of looking at the world that I like.

I have an interest in other cultures.  You may recall that my sister recommended meditation in hopes that it would help with my pain management.  It may do – I’ll keep you posted as to progress.  In an odd serendipity I’ve been looking into Buddhism before she made the recommendation.  The thing that took some time for me to understand is their ideas about pain and suffering.  If I am not reading it wrongly, suffering, they feel, is unavoidable.  Humans all suffer.

For us in the West, this is a bad idea: we like to think we can avoid things that are bad for us – suffering being one of them.  However, if you take the Buddhist logic to the next step, you’ll find ways of coping with suffering.  I like this logic because it doesn’t leave people feeling sorry for themselves.  I try not to think “why me?”  The whole point is that suffering is unavoidable.  Accept it and move on.

While I don’t consider myself a Buddhist, I do find answers to life’s questions in places where I don’t normally look.  Knowing me, I would have looked for philosophical answers to life’s questions even had I not had chronic illnesses…

Foxy

Why I don’t talk about Endometriosis

Quote from World Endometriosis Research Foundation Website:

“Why do we never hear of endometriosis?

Even in the most “liberal” of countries, female health issues, in particular those associated with menstruation, painful intercourse and infertility, are topics that are not readily discussed in society. They are still taboo in the 21st century.

Yet, all of these are associated with endometriosis, and women who are affected have to deal with these challenges on a daily basis. Unfortunately many mistakenly believe that “pain is part of being a woman” – even though pain is the body’s way of saying: something is not right.

This lack of awareness leads to an average diagnostic delay of up to eleven years in some health care settings.

Endometriosis may be progressive, and recent research has indicated that a delayed diagnosis can be associated with more severe disease.”

Bearing in mind I have endo, why don’t I talk about endometriosis?  Part of the reason I don’t is because I don’t want to seem weak at work.  I’ve managed to control my symptoms enough that I’ve not needed a day off work due to endo in over 2 years.  Due to the fact that I started a new job in Jan 2010, I didn’t want to start work by saying “Oh, and I’ll probably need time off every cycle due to pain.”  If you had the choice of hiring someone with or without medical problems – you’d probably hire the one without, right?  It’s only natural.  I therefore spent the first year at my current work not mentioning my symptoms or chronic illnesses to anyone.  I would say it was a lonely year but the people are so helpful and supportive that I found myself desperate to mention it. Bearing in mind I’ve not had an awful lot of time off, my boss has been supportive!  They’re more concerned about my well-being and health than how many days I am in the office.  (Of course I’ve not had many days off at all last year – just 5 days and 4 of those were due to flu.)  It’s a refreshing change to every other place I’ve worked!  I mention work in particular because we work for so much of our adult lives that it’s the first place I considered when I thinking about this question.  All the friends I have in this country I met at work.

My close friends know I have endo but even they don’t know all the different endo issues I have: this includes the occasional rectal bleeding, burns from the hot water bottle, how much blood I lose and how my condition is currently progressing (regressing?).  During my most recent cycle I lost two days to pain – luckily over the weekend so no work time lost, but it won’t take long before the pain becomes an issue for work – for me, endo only gets worse.  I’ve had three surgeries and the third was by far the best job.  Unfortunately, I’ll need another surgery to clean out the endo again – probably within the next 12 – 18 months.  Knowing me, I’ll try to avoid another surgery for as long as I dare – partly because I don’t like hospitals, and partly because I don’t like to give in and ask for help.  I don’t like to think that anything is stronger than me.  Just ask Mom how stubborn I can be!

In an effort to be more open, and as part of Endo Awareness Month I (as myself) mentioned the endometriosis on my Facebook page.  Apollo happened to notice and I felt very embarrassed.  I didn’t want to discuss it with him.  While I know I shouldn’t feel embarrassed, I want to appear strong to him and so didn’t go into much detail.  Bless him, he simply replied.  “OK.  I’m aware.”  Which was more than I could have expected him to do.

My next appointment with the Gynaecologist is on Wednesday.  My list of things to discuss include: burning pain in my right ovary, endometriosis symptoms worsening (between 8-9 on the Mankoski pain scale for the two days of this cycle), rectal bleeding and I’ve made a note that my most recent period started on 19^th March.  I will say I’m growing steadily more nervous about the appointment.  I’m not so worried about the biopsy – I know it will be painful but a biopsy isn’t as bad as my life could get, in the grand scheme of things.  No.  I’m worried about what they’ll find under all the other things that other doctors have left in there.  My only consolation so far is that they seem to have me coming in regularly enough so if they do find something remotely scary, they can easily deal with it quickly.  Fingers crossed!

Foxy

Colposcopy – how it went and what to expect

I had my colposcopy.  In the end, I did ask Helios to come along.  I don’t like the thought of being weak but I asked him to come.  I felt I could use the moral support and I was calmed before the appointment knowing that he was coming along.

My appointment wasn’t until 3:40 so I had most of the day to stew about the upcoming appointment.  By 3:00, I felt rather shaky and I asked my boss to go.  She was great and sent me on my way.

I got to the supermarket where I met Helios as planned.  We walked across the road and into the hospital.  I reminded Helios that the last colposcopy I had was a little painful so he asked me for an “attack word” – in other words he wanted to know when I was in too much pain so that he could hurt the people hurting me.  You may recall that I think men are like dogs?  Helios was my guard husband today.

The appointment itself went well.  I got the answers to my questions.  Make sure to bring a list of questions: when was the start date of your last period?  Do you have any other symptoms?  Do you have any questions?  For me, there were a number of other people in the room – for me it was three nurses.  As there is nothing dignified with what’s about to happen, I figure you may want to consider inviting some long-lost ex-boyfriends as well, just to complete the humiliation!

Then they get you in the chair.  As you know this chair is not like other chairs.  It’s a much less dignified version of a stair lift.  You ultimately find yourself on your back, legs apart, and your bottom feels just a little like you’re about to fall off the contraption.  As if in a museum, your best feature is on display for everyone’s admiration.

The usual appliances go into the usual places.  This is uncomfortable but not painful.  I’m not going to lie to you, the next bit isn’t a picnic. The doctor gets set up and then asks you to cough.  The first time I did it, I felt a sharp sensation so I didn’t cough hard enough which meant I had to cough again.  This time I made sure to cough hard, which was painful but not agony.

Then came the worst bit: they need to cauterise the wound and they put what felt like a concentrated hot fire onto that little pinprick of an area.  During my first colposcopy, it carried on for a bit longer than I really wanted and I told the doctor to “Get out of there!”  Normally I like to feel that, should anything go wrong, I can always kick the doctor in the head.  When this happens, the best thing to do is breathe deeply.  I find that breathing out, in particular, helps tremendously.  This time, with my attack husband by my side, I tried to keep my cool and it seemed to be over much more quickly.

After the procedure I was stunned to find I was unable to move my legs properly straightaway.  This is normal.  They’ve been poking around where only doctors should go.  Ask for a drink of water and let your legs recover – this should only take a few minutes.

Foxy

Not just Endometriosis but also DES

I’m showing my age now.  Between the years of 1950 and 1975 in the UK, women who had had miscarriages were prescribed diethylstilboestrol (DES).  DES is a synthetic oestrogen.  Unfortunately it had several side effects that were unknown or ignored at the time.  Those of us who have heard of DES sometimes refer to it as the “hidden thalidomide”.

The side effects include an increased risk of breast cancer in the mothers (the women taking the drug).  The resultant children have a higher risk of fertility problems, pregnancy complications, an increased risk of testicular cancer for the baby boys and an increased risk of vaginal cancer (CCAC) for the baby girls.

The sad fact is that the increased risk for clear cell adenocarcinoma (CCAC) was discovered in 1971 but the drug continued to be prescribed for another four years in the UK.

Mom has endometriosis.  Her symptoms weren’t as severe as mine.  Her endometriosis was discovered during her hysterectomy – she was in her 50s.  I think I’m right in saying that her hysterectomy has helped the few symptoms she had.  (This isn’t the case for every woman with Endo!  Bearing this in mind, I’m not begging for my hysterectomy just yet.)  For the record, she had her hysterectomy when doctors suspected she had cancer – it was the only time I’ve thought “Thank God it’s only Endometriosis!”

Bearing in mind endometriosis is a life-long problem for a woman, I suspect Mom’s endometriosis was the reason for the miscarriages she suffered before I came along.  Instead of looking for endometriosis the medical professionals in 1970/71 gave Mom DES to prevent another miscarriage.  I was the result.

I remember when Mom told me about her exposure to DES – she was terrified that she may have inadvertently hurt me.  My first reaction was “Well, if you needed the DES, then I’m grateful you took it!”  Now I’m angry that those idiots in white coats caused my mom distress.  I’m also angry at them for thinking that they’re above any ramifications that arise from their tinkering with women’s bodies!  How bloody dare you prescribe a drug to a pregnant woman without knowing the long-term risks!  Did you take the Hippocratic Oath?  How could you think that you were “doing no harm” if you didn’t know the risks?!?

If you have questions – check out the DES Action UK website at http://www.des-action.org.uk/des.html.

Foxy

Embarrassing Bodies – Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

Recently PCOS has featured a couple of times on the TV show: “Embarrassing Bodies” here in the UK.  As if having Endometriosis wasn’t bad enough, I’ve got PCOS as well.  I therefore had no problem identifying the PCOS sufferers on the programme.

As with endometriosis, PCOS can take a few years to diagnose.  In my case, I can almost understand the confusion when diagnosing: I don’t have the principal symptom of menstrual disturbance because I’ve been taking the birth control pill for so many years.  However, when I was a young teen, my symptoms included: acne (At one point I was on a course of tetracycline for my acne), a slight excess of hair growth (Hey Mom!  Remember how sensitive I was about developing a moustache when I was still in high school?!), skin tags and dandruff.  As far as I was concerned, my skin and hair couldn’t possibly be related to my ovaries!

Infertility is also a symptom and I was found to have the characteristic multiple small cysts in the ovaries during an ultrasound scan.  The three symptoms that define PCOS are: polycystic ovaries, raised male hormone levels and reduced ovulation.

Other symptoms for less lucky women include more severe male patterned hair growth and male patterned baldness.  For me, the excess dark facial hair and dark back hair were the obvious symptoms that identified the patients on Embarrassing Bodies.  I felt sorry for them and I feel I have to ask: how desperate must you be to go on national television in order to get treatment?  I don’t know why these people cannot seem to get treatment they need from their own doctors but I find it scandalous that someone would feel the need to parade themselves on national TV.  Could it be that people want to raise awareness for their maladies?  Or are they irretrievably stupid?

As with endometriosis, women with PCOS have a higher risk for other illnesses.  For PCOS these include high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, depression, cancer of the endometrium (uterine lining) and endometrial cancer (uterus).

While I’m not overweight, obesity is associated with PCOS.  I also have insulin resistance (which I regularly call prediabetes for ease of understanding).  Women with PCOS are at risk of developing type 2 diabetes – particularly if we have a family history of diabetes.

Like endometriosis, there is no cure for PCOS and treatment is normally directed to manifestations of PCOS: I am on a PCOS diet and may be prescribed with Metformin (Glucophage) should my insulin resistance symptoms worsen.  For women with particularly low oestrogen levels, they are given HRT patches.  Unfortunately for me, it was the HRT patches that worsened my endometriosis symptoms and ultimately made me beg for my third laparoscopy to clear the growing endo.  Balance of hormones is, for me, the trick that I’ve had to work to achieve.

Finally, like Endo, PCOS is frightfully common.  Research studies of women who had an ultrasound scan of their ovaries found that up to 1 in 4 women have polycystic ovaries.  Many of these women were otherwise healthy, ovulated normally and did not have high levels of mal hormones.  It is thought that up to 1 in 10 women have polycystic ovary syndrome (i.e. at least two of polycystic ovaries, raised male hormone levels and reduced ovulation) but it is thought that these figures may be higher.

Wishing us all a healthier tomorrow!

Foxy

Update Apollo

I was chatting to Apollo last night.  I mentioned that we were watching Red Dwarf.  We highly recommend it if you’ve not heard of it.  Apollo said that he would come and live with us if we had the box set.  As we have all the discs, I told him that he ought to come and visit.  Although we have no definite plans, August would be good for us because we already have a fortnight’s holiday from work.  When Apollo said that he couldn’t afford to come – and to be fair, he’s still looking for a job – I said that we could send him the money for a train ticket but wasn’t sure how to go about that.  (I didn’t want him to have to start giving me his bank details!)  Did he have any suggestions?  Bless him, he said “How about you come to the West Country and I’ll catch a lift back with you.”  Well, when he said that I went into top gear.  I spoke with Helios, checked the dates, organised the hotel in the WC for the night and told Apollo that it’s a goer!

There are some other things I need to organise – a tent for the garden, check my blow-up mattress is still functioning, check the duvet and blanket situation, get some train tickets for the three of us to go to London for a day trip while Apollo is here, ascertain the best day for Apollo to return to WC and get train tickets for him, and get a list of Apollo’s favourite food.  Longer term, I want to have a look online at local jobs – I suspect it will be easier for him to find work in our county than his and, if that’s the case look at the possibility of him renting a room in a house nearby – which should be easy because there is a lot of student housing near the university in town.

Helios and I need to work out any house rules that need to be in place.  Then I’ll warn Apollo that he will be expected to help with the chores while he’s with us.  I’m not thinking that he should be expected to balance the household budget but it would be nice to have a hand in the kitchen!  At least then Apollo won’t have unrealistic expectations about what we’re like while he’s here.

If you couldn’t tell I’m very excited.  I go into planning overdrive when I get a good opportunity!

Foxy

 

Colposcopy Update

I’m not in what I would call pain anymore but I am uncomfortable and still bleeding.  (!)  As I would have expected to have stopped bleeding by now, I’m ringing the doctor tomorrow to ask them exactly how long they think this should actually last and when I need to come in to be seen again.  In the meantime, I have been taking the odd paracetamol just to blot out that dull sensation.

Foxy

Let it be

I was driving home last night when the Beatles came on the radio and I remembered that look that Dad always had when we heard “Let it be”.  His brother died when that song was popular, just two weeks before I was born.  I found myself wondering not just about Dad and the uncle I never met but about how things happen – life, death, death and life.  We so often think that death and suffering are things that are meant to be completely avoided and yet they are unavoidable.  It’s easy to find a balance of life and death when someone in the same family is born just weeks after another dies: when something is given, something else is taken away.

Am I clearly expressing what I think of as balance?  When I was teaching History, many years ago, I tried to show my classes about balance.  In particular, when studying WWII and the Nazis, I also talked about The White Rose.  For those who are unaware, a group of university philosophy students began printing leaflets denouncing the Nazi government for their evil practices, including the mass slaughter of innocent, unarmed people.  The students were rounded up and the ringleaders – including a girl called Sophie Scholl – were tried and beheaded for the crime of speaking out against tyranny.  To my mind, the sacrifice that Sophie Scholl made was as significant as the Final Solution.  I’m not saying that somehow her sacrifice nullified the evil that was The Final Solution, but I am saying that it is significant that a full-blooded pedigreed German, without arms, stood up and said “no”.  I do not know if there were any other German resistance movements (aside from Operation Valkryie) but the knowledge that there was one makes me hope there were more.  Of course she died for her beliefs but in that day and age, what other choice was there?  How can I find balance amongst war and death?  Is it because Sophie died to get the message of tyranny out to the allies – and succeeded!  I find the actions of the group The White Rose to be a beacon of light amongst so much darkness.  Is it because hope is much more exquisite when it is under threat of extinction that I equate it with balance?

Perhaps this is a better example: I worked for a guy once who had to return to Britain when his mother developed Alzheimer’s and his brother was too sick to look after her because he had cancer.  Now you would think that this was the most unfortunate man on earth.  His mother recognised him as if he were his father.  His brother was dying.  Having said that, I considered him very lucky: he remarried and while on honeymoon to India his new bride developed a stomach bug which turned out to be no stomach infection but a baby!  It was as if the life of his youth was being taken away from him in one movement and, at the same time, he was given a whole new support system to help him through the rest of his life.  I think this is what I mean when I talk about balance: what is being taken away on the one hand, other things are being given with another.  Life is replaced by death which in turn is replaced by life.

Balance in our day to day lives, with any luck, isn’t life threatening.  It should consist of loving relationships, tolerance of the rest of the world and endurance of whatever suffering life throws at you.  The good bits, in the long run, balance out the bad bits.  I’m not saying that we can ever avoid suffering, but with the care of friends and family, we can endure whatever life throws at us.

Peace in our time.

Foxy

Endometriosis is Autoimmune Illness

Autoimmune illnesses are like cancer in that autoimmunity is an umbrella term for a number of different diseases across a number of different medical specialties including rheumatology, endocrinology, hematology, neurology, cardiology, gastroenterology and dermatology.  Because individual specialists focus on singular diseases within their field of expertise, there is very little focus on autoimmunity as the underlying cause.  I’ve seen a number of websites – most put incidence figures anywhere between 5% and 20% of a population.

What’s the actual definition of autoimmune disease?  According to MedicineNet.com “Autoimmune disease: An illness that occurs when the body tissues are attacked by its own immune system.”

Who is at risk?  Again, MedicineNet.com says “Autoimmune diseases are more frequent in women than in men. It is felt that the estrogen of females may influence the immune system to predispose some women to autoimmune diseases. Furthermore, the presence of one autoimmune disease increases the chance for developing another simultaneous autoimmune disease.”

I wanted to write about endometriosis and autoimmunity because, like mice, where you find one, you’re likely to find several.  I’m one of the lucky ones.  I’ve got two so far:

• Endometriosis
• Lichen Planus – skin lesions

For many years women with endometriosis were thought to have a hypersensitivity to pain.  The autoimmune nature of Endometriosis was confirmed in 2008 when researchers at National Jewish Hospital inDenverdiscovered endometrial antibodies.  This coupled with retrograde menstrual tissues give rise to endometriosis lesions.  Read on for more information:

http://www.suite101.com/content/autoimmune-endometriosis-a69459

Of course I concentrate on my most debilitating autoimmune illness but there are a lot out there!  If you’ve not been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and are wondering about general symptoms, these include:

• Fever
• Cough
• Infertility
• Haemoptysis
• Cough
• Wheezing
• Rash
• Diarrhoea

This list rings a few bells with me.  I’ve always had a fever – low-grade but I’ve always been warm.  Mom, do you remember how I’ve always had a low-grade fever?  My ex-husband used to call me “radiator woman” and put his icy feet on me.  To this day I prefer colder climates to hot ones due to my constant slight fever.

Wishing us all a healthy future.

Foxy

Support our Endo Sisters

There are so many things that are difficult about endometriosis: the length of time to diagnosis, the difficulty in adequately expressing the pain symptoms, and the fatigue involved in fighting the pain and carrying on with normal activities despite agony.  I would have thought that it would be painfully obvious if you see a friend who is doubled up in agony that you bend over backwards for her but some aren’t so lucky.

On twitter I’ve met a number of women who are lucky enough to have fantastic support of family and friends – we have a non-stop supply of hot water bottles, as well as prescription anti-inflammatories and painkillers.  We stay in bed safe in the knowledge that our household chores are being taken care of for the day.  We are given the time and space we need to recover.

However, not all are so lucky.  For those who suffer with us, I know that our pain may seem a nuisance: there she is again, folded into the corner like a Chinese fortune cookie.  She’s unable to take care of herself again and it’s a nuisance to have to pick up the pieces all over again.  Because we are not bleeding profusely from the eyes, it is not obvious to the rest of the world what our pain can be like.  In short, it’s all too easy for others to think that we’re lazy, self-centred or attention-seeking.  Please let me assure you, as much of a nuisance it is for people we live with, it’s worse for us!

Endometriosis, if I haven’t said it enough, is a chronic illness with no cure.  I am one of the lucky ones: I manage my pain so that I’m only in agony for two days per cycle.  Because I run my birth control pills together, I only have a period once every 8 or 9 weeks.  Despite my careful management, my pain scores between 8 – 10 on the Mankoski Pain scale for two full days each cycle.  For those of you who are unfamiliar:

Mankoski Pain Scale

0 – Pain Free

1 – Very minor annoyance – occasional
minor twinges. No medication needed.

2 – Minor Annoyance – occasional
strong twinges.
No medication needed.

3 – Annoying enough to be distracting.
Mild painkillers take care of it.
(Aspirin, Ibuprofen.)

4 – Can be ignored if you are really
involved in your work, but still
distracting. Mild painkillers remove
pain for 3-4 hours.

5 – Can’t be ignored for more than 30
minutes. Mild painkillers ameliorate
pain for 3-4 hours.

6 – Can’t be ignored for any length of
time, but you can still go to work and
participate in social activities.
Stronger painkillers (Codeine,
narcotics) reduce pain for 3-4 hours.

7 – Makes it difficult to concentrate,
interferes with sleep. You can still
function with effort. Stronger
painkillers are only partially effective.

8 – Physical activity severely limited.
You can read and converse with effort.
Nausea and dizziness set in as factors
of pain.

9 – Unable to speak. Crying out or
moaning uncontrollably – near delirium.

10 – Unconscious. Pain makes you
pass out.

Endometriosis is an illness.  None of us have asked for this.  Believe me, if there were even a hint of a cure, I would seriously consider allowing myself to be one of the guinea pigs to try it!!  That’s how desperate I am – and I’m one of the lucky ones who has had a successful surgery and only suffer a few times a year.  Sign me up!  Plug me in!  Give me that drip!  Open me up again and give me that cure!!

Is it little wonder that the incidence of depression is high for women who endure endometriosis.  Would you be able to cope if you were told that you would have to endure 8 – 10 pain for a couple of days each month?  Would you be able to cope if you were told that pain that makes you projectile vomit is merely “in your head”?  How about waiting for years for a diagnosis?  I waited 22 years for a diagnosis, is that remotely acceptable?  Is it acceptable to get a diagnosis, not after all my pain but after miscarriages and infertility?  Is it acceptable to endure surgery to achieve a diagnosis?  (Of course not!  It’s the Bloody Dark Ages!!)  Would you want the support of family and friends after you were told that the pain isn’t in your head but there is no cure and you will endure pain on a regular basis for the rest of your life?

It’s little wonder that I left my first husband, who was as much use as a chocolate teapot with medical issues.  It’s little wonder that I’ve endured depression.  Since then I’ve surrounded myself with tender, understanding friends and family.  My pain is endurable now.  I consider myself extremely lucky.  I just wish the rest of us were as well…

Take care of your sanity as well as your physical symptoms, ladies!  At least we endosisters understand your pain.

Foxy

Married too long?

I got dressed for bed the other night in something less than my usual fluffy pyjamas…  It’s a comfortable silky number – not unattractive but not too revealing.

Helios: “I think we may have been married too long.”

Foxy: “Why?”

Helios: “I saw you in that nightgown and thought it needed ironing.”

How romantic!

Lucky for me, Helios is frightfully romantic, despite rumours to the contrary.  I have noticed recently that Helios is growing more tactile.  I’m not talking about intimacy.  I’m talking about simply having a cuddle on the couch or touching one another on the back as we pass in the corridor.  To some it might not sound like much but it’s better than anything he could buy me.  Besides, I feel the same way.  Sometimes in the night I reach for him, just to make sure he’s still there.

Foxy

Being a step parent

Because I went through divorce as a child I feel I know Apollo and Maia without knowing them well.  I hope that my experiences will make it easy for me to understand them.  I know the stress that can be involved when being raised by a single parent.  For instance, having all the responsibility without ever enough money can be a constant strain on the custodial parent.  In my case, I know Dad is more irresponsible than Mom so I know she worried when I visited him.

At one point I had a stepmother.  Dad remarried when I was 6 and redivorced when I was 8.  I didn’t much care for her but she didn’t seem to make an effort to like me either.  I remember not liking her cooking and hating the fact that she smoked cigarettes.  It appeared that she was smelling dog-do when I would walk into the room – her lips pursed up to her nose in a distinctive P-U facial expression.

The best thing about Dad being remarried was that it gave me siblings.  Up to that point I was an only child but was given new older stepbrother and stepsister; I couldn’t help but idolise my stepsister.  Had Dad stayed a bit longer with his second wife, I probably would have managed to feel closer.  To be fair, I don’t think I made much impact on her life, being so young and around regularly but not frequently.  Unfortunately, as it was, she was there and then she was gone.  I had to make my own way.

I found that there were times when it was easier to think of myself as two people – the Foxy with Dad and the Foxy with Mom.  Because they’re very different people, I found myself moulding to their expectations in different ways – with Mom I was encouraged to express myself and be creative.  I had private art lessons and wrote poetry.  Despite this flurry of creative expression, I never felt relaxed enough to be myself – I was busy trying to meet Mom’s expectations.  With Dad, I was the opposite: I was so relaxed I was horizontal.  Dad never put any pressure on me to do or be anything I didn’t want to be.  He taught me how to fix things and that God didn’t just reside in church.  Unfortunately, he also told me that it was OK to lie.  Had they been one parent, I expect they would have balanced one another out and, by meeting in the middle, I would have had one super parent to look up to – which would have been a bad thing because I wouldn’t have been able to live up to a super parent.  As it was, I felt I had to try and take the best of both of them and incorporate this into my personality.  I now try to behave responsibly and express myself creatively while trying not to worry about worrying and leaving the Big Picture to God.

My mom never married the love of her life.  He arrived in our family about the same time as my baby sister.  At first I felt that he was trying to take my place in our family: I liked the fact that Mom relied on me and didn’t think that she needed to rely on anyone else.  Over the years I begrudgingly grew to respect him.  He was a good man who died well before his time.  He was only 54 when he died of cancer.  I’ll say it again: cancer has a lot to answer for.  I couldn’t help but respect him.  We became friends.  Despite the fact that we weren’t biologically related, I grew to love him.  I’d like to think that I take some of him with me through my life: he was a funny, generous person that I’ve found myself trying to emulate.

Now I’m grown up.  Because I’m trying to carry the best of my parents and my sister’s father, I hope Maia and Apollo understand, respect and love me eventually.

Foxy

Le Renard

Helios and I went to Paris via EuroStar on Friday 29^th April.  Will and Kate were very disappointed that we couldn’t attend their wedding but we just had to let them down – due to our prior engagement.   (!)

I finally finished packing the morning of the wedding.  As we were taking three bags, I tried to squeeze a bottle of champagne into one of the bags.  Helios said “I am NOT carrying champagne to France!”  Shame.  I do like to bring something special to Paris for our friends…

We got to London at 9:00 a.m. local time and somehow managed to avoid many crazies by taking the Jubilee Line to the Northern Line (i.e. staying as east of central London as possible).  We got to St Pancras – me under the weight of one large back pack and Helios under the weight of two after he totally refused the bag with wheels we have.  I was slightly disconcerted by the appearance of a vast number of police at St Pancras but I knew we would be on the train to Paris long before anything untoward would happen.  Luckily for Will and Kate the day went off without anything awful happening (if you don’t count Prince Harry’s attendance) and I didn’t see a moment of the wedding because there are no TVs in St Pancras.  What fantastic luck for me!

We rolled into Paris and headed straight for a shopping mall in my book “Top 10 Paris”.  Helios’s mum was kind enough to send me some Euros for my birthday and I thought it would be nice to pick something in France.  Unfortunately for me Le Bon Marche was full of things that were far too expensive for me to contemplate buying.  The only undergarment that I thought was remotely nice enough to try on, they didn’t have in my size and I told Helios “Clearly French women are too elegant to have a big bosom.”

From there we walked to the Rodin museum.  As the weather was beautiful, I asked for “Deux billets pour le garden – oh er, le jardin, s’il vous plait.”  It was here that we discovered that our camera is still not working properly.  Helios spent a number of minutes turning it on and off trying to turn it on and then trying to turn it off.  Thank God for phone cameras – we do have pics to remember the trip!!  Helios took one of me sat at the pedestal of The Thinker where it looks as though The Thinker is about to crap on my head.   Thanks Helios!

From there we walked to Charlie Birdy (a pub) where we were due to meet E-Wee.  Each time we’ve gone toParis, we’ve met E-Wee there to start the trip off with a drink and a laugh.  This time we had food as well and I think we can highly recommend it for any reader who finds themselves in Paris.

From there we went to E-Wee’s home near Fontainebleau Forest with his gorgeous, elegant and sophisticated wife, C and his beautiful and cheeky Boy.  I’ve known E-Wee and C both for what feels like centuries but is probably only 18 or 19 years.  E-Wee told us what they were planning on doing with us the rest of the weekend and then it was off to bed.

Then it was the usual time with old friends; we talked about everything and anything.  We all took the train the next morning to Paris for lunch at a fantastic bistro.  There we were treated to a luxurious three course meal complete with wine and laughter.  Believe me, when you turn 40, a calm and relaxing day with great friends sounds perfect and this birthday was.  Even The Boy was extremely well behaved: he was delighted with his book of children’s poetry by Shel Silverstein and spent most of the day reading and reading and reading.  Such a good boy!

When we got back home again, C took me shopping for some underwear as there’s not much point in going all that way and not making an effort to find something nice with the Euros Helios’s mum sent.  Thanks to her I found something that both Helios and I like.  Thanks C!

Later, I wound up on the trampoline in the garden.  What a great way to feel like a kid again!  Next thing I know there’s a present on the table for me.  Helios said “Did you really think I would let you open all your birthday presents early?”  It was my favourite champagne: Perrier-Jouet Belle Epoque with the beautiful hand-painted bottle.  I insisted that we open it that evening and enjoy it: what’s the point of having champagne and not sharing it?

The next day we went into the forest for a picnic.  It was a lovely time!  Unfortunately when Boy was climbing a tree he found some caterpillars and had an allergic reaction to them.  I hope he’s feeling better!

Unlike most of the rest of Europe, if 1^st May doesn’t fall on a weekday, they don’t get the day off work.  C and The Boy therefore went to work and school while E-Wee took Helios and me to a castle in the making: Guédelon where a mad Frenchman decided that it would be a good idea to build a medieval castle using only medieval methods.  It’s a huge place with many artisans – a weaver of baskets, ropemaker, tilemakers, stonemasons, carpenters, a dye specialist complete with sheep and herbs in the garden.  The artisans are dressed in the medieval style and appear to live on site.  There was a sign carved on stone saying “Bienvenue au XIIIe siecle” which means “Welcome to the XIIIth Century”  It’s an amazing place where time seems to have stood still.

The next day we caught the train with E-Wee to Paris and spent a relaxing time lounging around the Jardin des Tuleries and enjoying the sunshine.  OK there are a lot of museums that we could easily have spent the day in but I really didn’t fancy dragging Helios around while we both carried heavy packs.  In the end, we didn’t do much exploring and I was grateful we had plenty of time to enjoy each other’s company.  Helios and I had lunch near La Tuilerie and took the Metro back to Gare du Nord.  I had hoped to sleep on the train but only managed an unsatisfying doze.

I always find the end of a holiday to be a sad affair.  You always know who your good friends are, not just through their generosity but also because every time we get together, it’s as if no time has passed and we talk and laugh as if we’d only seen one another last week.  I miss them already.

Je t’embrasse!

Foxy

Manchester England, England

After an eventful 5 days in France, Helios and I had two days at home before taking another trip, this time up to Manchester.

What a wonderful weekend!  The train wasn’t too busy: we got a seat on the train to London and made good time to Euston to catch our connecting train to Manchester.  We caught the tram from Manchester Piccadilly to the stadium of our favourite English Football team – Manchester United.  OK, I’m sure a lot of you girls have just zoned out but I’ve always been a fan of sports and very much enjoyed the tour, the museum and the view from our hotel room (towards the stadium).

When I initially booked the weekend, the Man U v Chelsea game was scheduled for Saturday.  Unfortunately due to other game commitments, the game was moved to Sunday and we had to find something else to do instead.  Lucky for us, the Imperial War Museum (North) was about 10 minutes’ walk from our hotel.  In case you don’t know, I’m a real history freak so I rubbed my hands together at the prospect of boring Helios for a few hours.  The great things about IWM (North) were – 1) entry is free and 2) there was a slide/photo exhibition which started when all the lights went down.  It was slightly disconcerting: Helios said that he half expected to encounter someone with a gun around the corner!  Then the slide show started over all the walls which included children narrating their experiences of war.  It was a sad but moving experience.  We are very lucky!

Saturday afternoon was spent at the local outlet mall – just a few minutes from IWM (North) and our hotel.  We bought a pair of jeans for me and a sweatshirt for Helios in Gap as everything was half price.  We also bought a couple of waterproof jackets in another shop – also half price.

We had dinner both nights at Frankie & Benny’s – mainly due to the £5 off vouchers Helios downloaded on his mobile.  We had a glass of wine the first evening and we toasted to our birthdays (as the Man U stadium tour was a birthday present to Helios some months ago).

Work so far this week has been a bit surreal.  I feel as though I’ve been away for years rather than just over a week.  I expect it was mainly because we did so much while we were away!

On a personal note, I’m too bloated to be believed at the moment.  I’m contemplating giving myself another period but want to put it off as long as I can just to avoid the usual pain.  Would you rather feel fat or pain?

I’m off to bed.  Good night all!

Foxy

Seven Weeks

It’s been nearly seven weeks since my last period.  The delay between periods gives me some minor discomforts.  For instance, I’m going back and forth with the size of my stomach.  Some days I look 4 months pregnant and some days I’m just a bit wobbley.  Carrying around a bit of extra weight isn’t a difficult thing – but it was disconcerting to see my actual size in the holiday photographs!  When I look at myself in the mirror I didn’t think my stomach was THAT noticeable but I was clearly wrong!  The other thing about the bloating is that I’ve had the odd occasion where I feel my womb.  It’s not painful, I just happen to know precisely where it is at a given moment – usually when I’m walking downhill.  It’s not uncomfortable but it is odd that I can feel it.  I’m not concerned because I am close to needing to give myself a period so am putting oddness down to my bloating, etc.

My PMT is currently being held in check with Milk Thistle.  OK, I know Mom doesn’t like me taking it but, as a doctor recommended I try it in the first place, I take it once or twice a day when I start to feel the usual shortening of my fuse.  So far it’s been a tremendous help at work – especially since my first week back from a holiday feels particularly long!  Also, the good thing about prolonging my cycle is that I only need painkillers if and when I get a headache!  For those of you who don’t have endometriosis, you have no idea how much money I can easily spend on painkillers and other potions to try and keep my pain in check.  What a relief to only worry about my agonising pain once every 9 weeks (or more)!

The nurse who did my colposcopy mentioned that I don’t have to have a period for six months if I really didn’t want to.  As good as that sounds, I’m also wondering just how bad my bloating will be after six months!?  I’m also wondering if I’ll have PMT symptoms for the next few months?  I’m contemplating going longer between periods this cycle than my prescribed 9 weeks.  So far I’ve not managed to get through a whole 9 weeks without giving myself a period.  I get a bit down with feeling fat and cranky.  I’m still hoping that the longer I go without a period, the easier the next “longer” cycle will be.  I think this cycle is the first time when I’ve been at week seven and thought “Let’s go for a full six months!” but I’ll probably change my mind in the next couple of weeks.  Up until now on the longer cycle, I’ve decided to have a period just shy of the nine weeks because I feel drained.  No.  Drained is a good word but it’s not quite accurate.  I feel as though I’ve not slept in a million years even with a good night’s sleep.  I’m normally a very warm individual but I could stand in the snow and not feel the cold.  It’s not a depression but it’s a definite low.  Sorry, I’m obviously not expressing myself very well.  I’m not feeling the need just yet but know when it happens it will be as strong as ever.

Work is going OK at the moment.  Normally I don’t have so much work to do that I’m stressed out.  This week is busy but not fraught.  The complaint of the week this week is that all of us appear to have forgotten just how long a 5-day week feels.  No doubt next week will be easier – once I’m back into the swing of it.  In a lot of ways it’s a shame that we have to go back to the daily grind, isn’t it?  Wouldn’t it be nice to win the lottery and I could look after my family the way I want: Helios and I could pay off the mortgage, give my mom and my sister some money, give Helios’s parents some money, set up trust funds for Apollo and Maia, get some building work done on our flats, send Helios to University on a film course and start a business so he can get paid for his opinions about cinema.  I’d probably find a part-time job somewhere (perhaps a charity) just to keep a bit of normality in my life and the rest of the time I’ll research endometriosis and blog about what I find.  If only we could win…

This weekend will be spent in the garden with the neighbours and a BBQ.  I hope the weather holds out!

Foxy

Work is kicking my butt!

The company is being taken over by a different branch of the same company and we have to write to all our clients to tell them that none of the people at our office have changed and we’re only changing one word in the title of the business.  All the clients!  I’ve spent the past three or four days at work pouring over lists, producing letters and pouring over more lists.

As always my haven is home and Helios.  We’ve been listening to a number of football games on the radio and doing housework.  It’s so nice not to have any extreme expectations at home so we can enjoy watching the birds come to the feeding trays.

This past weekend Helios had a work’s extravaganza inLondonand, unfortunately, missed his 11:30 coach home.  The next one was at2:00 a.m.so he wasn’t home much before 4:00 a.m.  I stayed awake watching TV until 2:00 a.m. but then went to bed.  I didn’t manage a good sleep until he arrived.  He got home and crashed but I stayed awake for some of the Dawn Chorus.  (!)  My body clock is so stupid that I woke up again at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday.  I feel I spent the rest of the weekend trying to catch up with myself a little bit.  Or perhaps it’s the usual pre-period exhaustion finally rearing its ugly head?  Or perhaps I’m just tired of working my butt off?

Exhaustedly yours,

Foxy

Buckingham Palace

Last night I dreamt I was in Buckingham Palace and needed the loo.  So I went to every loo in the place – there were ones with dark wood panelled walls, art deco ones, and even one was so low to the ground that I would have had to hover in order to pee!  I finally decided that I needed a pee but knew I was dreaming.  I even pinched myself and smacked myself in the face.  I knew I was dreaming.  So I woke up, crawled over Helios (as I always do because our bedroom is so small) and walked out the bedroom door to Buckingham Palace.  I went straight across the corridor and found a toilet that reminded me of a janitor’s closet.  I started to sit down to pee but thought “I’m still dreaming!”  So I woke up, crawled over Helios (as I always do) and walked to the loo in our flat and pinched myself before I sat down.  It hurt that time so I knew I was awake.

Yesterday I was having some cramping period pain.  I took some painkillers, which was OK.  I found the fact that I was in pain worrying.  Today I’ve had no pain but a little spotting.  I’m still going back and forth with whether I should give myself a period sooner or later.  One minute I think “I need to have one so my bloating will go down,” and “My body is demanding a period.”  The next minute I think “I was told to expect a little spotting between my periods if I run pill packs together” and “I don’t want to be in pain this weekend.  I don’t want to be in pain next weekend.  When can I organise my period around my life?”  I think I’ve decided to carry on with the pills until next week and see how I get along.

In the meantime, aside from the odd dream, I’m sleeping well.  I’m just very tired by the end of the working day.  Hopefully it will pass once my body realises that I’m in charge and not it.  (!)

Foxy

Hysterectomy not cure for Endometriosis

I just love this website: http://www.endo-resolved.com/hysterectomy.html ! It has a common-sense approach to many of the questions I have about endometriosis.  Today’s topic: endo and hysterectomy chosen specifically for C’s sister.  Please see below:

“For many women, a total hysterectomy is advised by their doctors if they have severe Endometriosis. These women are hopeful of gaining relief from the pain and symptoms of this disease by having a hysterectomy. This advice is fuelled by the thinking that if you remove the diseased organs then you will remove the disease. This is not the case.

It is known that the implants, and the evidence of Endometriosis can be found all over the pelvic cavity. So removing the uterus and ovaries will very often leave some of the disease behind. Some surgeons will attempt to remove the disease which is scattered around the pelvic cavity, as well as removing the reproductive organs. But even so, this can still leave undetected or microscopic implants behind.

Some women as young as their early 20s are opting for a Hysterectomy as a means to gain relief from Endometriosis. It is doubtful whether these young women are aware of the possibility of a return of the disease. Then there are the problems of dealing with a surgically induced menopause at such a young age. These women will be prescribed synthetic hormones (hormone replacement therapy) for years, only to have to deal with all the side-effects they can bring.

There are many reported cases where a woman has had a total hysterectomy (removal of uterus and ovaries) as treatment for Endometriosis, only to be given hormone replacement therapy. This can encourage the disease to flare up again, because estrogen is part of the hormone replacement therapy, and endometriosis feeds on estrogen. Of course hormone replacement therapy is prescribed to replace the hormones that are lost because of the removal of the ovaries. This begins to turn into a vicious circle. So hysterectomy is not the answer for Endometriosis no matter what stage the disease is at.

Why is this situation allowed to continue? There are many newly qualified gynecologists, surgeons, and doctors who are still taught that the only way to ‘cure’ Endometriosis is either through pregnancy or menopause. So, drugs are prescribed to try and induce a woman’s body into a state similar to pregnancy or menopause, and if that does not work, then cut the disease out.

Firstly the ‘cutting out’ is done by remedial measures to try and cut out the growths, lesions, and implants. As a last resort the whole lot is taken out and women are mistakenly advised to have all their reproductive organs removed with a total hysterectomy.

There is plenty of information that these doctors could use to alter their methods of treatment, but there will be a myriad of reasons why this does not happen.

Endometriosis after Hysterectomy

If you are a woman with Endometriosis which is severe, and have been advised to have a hysterectomy, then please be advised that this may not be the correct path to take. This may not remove the symptoms. It is not a guarantee to remove the disease. It is not a guarantee that Endometriosis will not return. So why go through the agony and risk of such a serious procedure. There are many women who have gone down this path and have had a total hysterectomy to try and be rid of Endometriosis, and many of these women have seen the disease return.

The alternative here is to improve your general health so that you have a better chance to fight this disease. You can keep your body intact, maintain your reproductive function, and retain the natural chemistry and balance of your body.”

As for me, at one point I was so desperate for an end to pain that I begged my gynaecologist for a hysterectomy.  Begged!  I’m grateful now that I was denied.  While I still regularly battle with my symptoms, I’m reasonably healthy and working towards only having a period four to five times a year.  I may have to demand several more surgeries to clean out the worst of the endometrial cysts before I’m through, but at the moment I am in control of my life and my pain.  I try to ensure that I only experience pain on my terms and I have all this while maintaining a fantastic intimate life with my husband.  Unfortunately I will never know what life in a “normal and healthy” body is like but having control over my pain while still feeling like a woman is, I know, the best I can achieve without a cure.

Wishing you all a healthy tomorrow!

Foxy

Treatments for Endo: The Mirena Coil

The official line from my favourite informative website:  http://www.endo-resolved.com/treatment.html

“The Mirena Coil - The Mirena Coil is used by some doctors to treat the symptoms of Endometriosis by reducing the amount of blood flow in a woman’s periods.

The Mirena Coil is like many other types of Intrauterine Contraceptive Devices (IUD’s or coils) in that it is fitted by a doctor and remains in the womb for a fixed amount of time, after which it must be changed.

Most IUD’s make a woman’s periods heavier, but the Mirena actually makes periods lighter than usual. Because of this, it is frequently used as a treatment for heavy periods, and is now used as a treatment option for Endometriosis, for the same reason of reducing blood loss with the menstrual cycle.

It is made of a light, plastic, T-shaped frame with the stem of the ‘T’ a bit thicker than the rest. This stem contains a tiny storage system of a hormone called Levonorgestrel.

This hormone is also used in contraceptive pills. In the Mirena, however, a much lower dose is released than take the Pill (about 1/7th strength), and it goes directly to the lining of the womb, rather than through the blood stream where it may lead to the common progesterone-type side effects.

Although the IUD was originally developed as a contraceptive, the discovery that it leads to much lighter periods was seen as a bonus. Many gynaecologists now suggest the Mirena as a treatment for heavy periods if tablet treatment doesn’t work.

After 3 months use, the average blood loss is 85% less, and by 12 months the flow is reduced by 97% every cycle About one third of women using the IUS will not have any periods at all. There is no ‘build up’ of blood, because the hormone in the IUD prevents the lining of the womb from building up at all.

Negatives of the Mirena Coil

There are many who feel that the Mirena Coil is very unsuitable as a treatment for Endometriosis as this particular type of Coil increases the risk of developing ovarian cysts.

It is the use of synthetic Progestogen hormones used in the coil that increase the chance of benign ovarian cysts. This is more common with the higher hormone levels associated with the progestagen-only pill. Overall the risk is about 3 times higher. The device could also lead to other complications of infection in the womb.”

As informative as this is, there are no mention of the possible side effects.  Details of this can be found here: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100001706.html

“Medicines and their possible side effects can affect individual people in different ways. The following are some of the side effects that are known to be associated with this medicine. Just because a side effect is stated here, it does not mean that all people using this medicine will experience that or any side effect.

Very common (affect more than 1 in 10 people)

• Change in menstrual bleeding, such as spotting, lighter bleeding or stopping of bleeding.
• Development of fluid filled sacks (cysts) in the ovaries.

Common (affect between 1 in 10 and 1 in 100 people)

• Depression.
• Nervousness.
• Headache.
• Decreased sex drive.
• Abdominal pain.
• Nausea.
• Acne.
• Back or pelvic pain.
• Painful periods.
• Breast pain or tenderness.
• Vaginal inflammation or discharge.
• Weight gain.

Uncommon (affect between 1 in 100 and 1 in 1000 people)

• Mood changes.
• Abdominal bloating.
• Migraine.
• Hair loss or hair growth.
• Skin reactions such as rash or itching.
• Pelvic inflammatory disease.
• Inflammation of the womb.
• Inflammation of the cervix.
• Excessive fluid retention in the body tissues, resulting in swelling (oedema).

Rare (affect between 1 in 1000 and 1 in 10,000 people)

• Perforation of the womb.

The side effects listed above may not include all of the side effects reported by the medicine’s manufacturer. For more information about any other possible risks associated with this medicine, please read the information provided with the medicine or consult your doctor or pharmacist.”

OK so far?  Now it’s worth speaking to people who have had experience with the Mirena Coil – if only to know things that the doctors may have failed to mention.  For instance, I would recommend taking a paracetamol before your appointment for insertion.  While I didn’t find the experience as bad as my endo pain, the pain was significant enough for me to mention to friends who are considering the coil.

Ultimately, my experience with the Mirena Coil was less than satisfactory.  I had one inserted and it twisted my bowel in two places.  Within just a few months I was having another surgery, partly for my polycystic ovaries and partly to untwist my bowel and partly to remove that awful coil.

I know the coil feels a lifesaver for some.  Knowing what I know now, I probably would have tried the thing again in desperation for relief from my endo pain.  However, if you are aware of the risks involved, you are more likely to demand the correct treatment in your follow-up appointments.  Information is vital.  Don’t make decisions in haste.

Wishing you a healthier tomorrow

Foxy

Mary Poppins

I was out with a friend today in the city where I work.  We did our usual, mooch around, have some lunch and then go back to hers for a cup of tea before I head for home.  Rose is the sort of person that I can say just about anything to so it’s little wonder that the subject of endometriosis comes up again.  When I mentioned it, she found the word “endometriosis” to be almost a tongue-twister: “Endibletiogross?  Enidasis?  Endatriosis?  Osmosis?  It’s like something out of Mary Poppins!”

Don’t be precocious!

Foxy

More Manchester Fun

A work colleague suggested that I take the afternoon off work and come toManchesteragain to see a testimonial game for Gary Neville’s retirement.  Before the days when a professional footballer earned more money than was really sensible, a testimonial game was given for retiring players and the proceeds went to the players.  These days the games are more symbolic and proceeds raised go to charities.  I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go.  Helios unfortunately was unable to get the time off and I really missed him on the night.  I’ve only ever been to Manchester with Helios so in a strange way I felt as if he was with me even though he was still south of London.

However, in some ways it was nice that he had to miss it because my work colleague became a friend over the evening…  It takes just under 4 hours to get there and back from where we live so on the way to the event I heard her life story and on the way back I told her my life story.  Luckily she’s not the sort to judge and the time was spent simply reliving the old days.

At Old Trafford, Gary Neville started playing for the club in 1995 and many of his old team mates came to play for his retirement game.  Of note, David Beckham played and still has a bit of the old magic.  Wayne Rooney scored the only Man U goal but we lost the game: 1 – 2 Juventis.  As it was a friendly, the current big names were there but they didn’t play for long as the final game of the football season is soon…

It wasn’t quite 2:00 a.m.when I got home and I was still so excited about the day that I had a hard time getting to sleep.  I had a final visit to the bathroom at 2:45 a.m. so I know I got about 4 hours sleep last night.  Therefore tonight will be very swiftly to bed!  I’m making fish and chips with peas and will go to bed almost immediately afterwards.  No point in being a martyr and staying awake just to be grouchy with Helios, is there?

In other news I passed the eight week mark without incident.  I am not having any spotting and am not in pain.  I’m still suffering a bit of discomfort with my right ovary.  It’s not painful but I can feel a slight pulling on the inside every so often – if I’m stretching for example.  It feels as thought there’s a stitch in there that doesn’t give me any symptoms until I try and manoeuvre it free.  It reminds me slightly of when I’ve had a recent surgery and I’m trying not to move a certain way.

The other news is that my recent biopsy results came back completely clear.  I’m scheduled in for another smear test in September but I figure that’s only a good thing that they want to monitor me closely.  With any luck I’ve dodged The Big C totally!  Touch wood.

Foxy

 

A long sleep, dreams and other nonsense

I think I’m getting just a bit too old for the kind of fun I had on Tuesday.  I went to bed last night at about 8:15, dozed until Helios came to bed (I think I remember him saying “You’re lovely and warm!” as he cuddled up to me) and slept until 6:00.

I’ve been having some odd dreams lately but the one last night seemed longer than most – probably because I actually slept through the night.  I dreamt I was visiting my father’s family for Christmas but I didn’t have any presents – I think they were with my lost luggage.  I was shown a pile of presents that I could just pick up and say that they were for anyone in the family from me.  I felt terribly guilty and didn’t do it – because of my guilt and partially because they were already wrapped and I didn’t know what was in them and wouldn’t be able to give them to the right person.

Then I was in the community college of the city where I was born and I met a little girl – she can’t have been more than 8 or 9 – and she was the Second Coming.  Now, I don’t know how I knew this but I was the one telling everyone that we need to pay attention to her and to listen to her.

As always, I think that dreams are merely metaphors of what is happening in your waking life.  I think I want to be more generous with people but find that things are getting in my way – which may be apt considering a friend drove me toManchesterand back the other night.  I don’t like to feel obligated and did give her money for the tickets as well as for parking and petrol on the night.  I suppose I prefer to be more generous.

The Second Coming is also easily explained.  I expect it’s all my mind churning through this Rapture business that that idiot said would happen but didn’t and now it’s meant to be happening in October.  On the one hand I feel sorry for the guy – it’s got to be tough to believe that strongly and have it all dashed away from you.  It can’t be easy to be the butt of every joke on the planet.  However, can I just ask which of the many many translations he used to come to this magic number?  Can I ask which equation he used and how he came to formulate the equation?  Is he using the Gregorian or the Modern calendar?  If your beliefs are this easy to poke holes in, you ought to go back to school to get a good grounding in evolution, astronomy and mathematics!   While I believe in God, I also believe that you can’t blindly follow one thing just in case the path leads you to a cliff!   Just a little bit of knowledge isn’t enough.  One of the goals of life ought to be “learn as much as you can”.  Shame some people stop when they’re able to do more.

My work is going well.  The partner I work for in my firm is starting to work part-time and she says that she needs me to communicate with clients from time to time in her absence – I agreed so long as I know what to say to them!  I figure I’m getting along very well if they think that I can handle things in her absence.

Helios has a job interview today in London.  Please keep your fingers crossed for him.  I detest where he works at the minute.  Even though everyone knows he does twice the work that the other guy does, he still is asked to do more and more.  It’s insane.  I hope that he finds a decent job where he’s appreciated!

In other news Apollo is definitely coming in August.  He’s asked for the time off work and I asked him about what he prefers in a return ticket last night: he could go from London to the South West on a Megabus which will take about 6 hours but will only cost £8.  The question is if he wants to travel during the day or on an overnight bus which will get him home just before 6 in the morning.  Knowing I cannot sleep on a moving vehicle, I want to know which he prefers before I book the ticket.  The Megabus is so cheap that it will probably cost 3x the price of the Megabus just to get him to where he’ll get it in London!

My next project is to plan a few things for us all to do while he’s with us.  We all want to go to London once and see a couple of museums.  I’d like to drag him to all my friends and say “Look at my stepson!  Isn’t he adorable!” and pinch his cheek but I don’t think he’d ever let me forget it.  Instead we’ll just have to plan on a couple of BBQs, exploring the city where I work, maybe go down to the coast for the day and watching a lot of TV.  I plan to subject him to a number of very good films that I don’t think he’s seen before.  I know he wants to see some of the TV series that we have on DVD.  I’d like him to cook for us.  I’m really looking forward to it.

Foxy

Reality v Fantasy

Sometimes reality is so disappointing.  There I was harbouring a lovely crush on a football player called Ryan Giggs.  Oh sure, I know I never had a chance with him.  I know that even if he did see me and say “Hello”, I’d have blushed and dashed off without even having the sense to ask for an autograph.

Unfortunately, he’s been accused of having an affair with a beauty queen and reality-TV star.  I’ve found Ryan’s shine has distinctly diminished for me.  I think I preferred him when he was remote and unavailable rather than a player and someone who boffs a shallow beauty queen and puts his marriage in jeopardy.  OK, even I joked about having Ryan as a freebee but I know I never had a chance with him.  I suppose that it would be nice to imagine he likes women like me: intelligent, fun and foxy.  Unfortunately he’s proved himself to be like a lot of other men – liking anyone pretty who happens to be nearby.  It’s not an attractive quality that a lot of men have.

While I still admire him as a footballer, I don’t have a crush on him anymore.  I preferred the fantasy, thanks very much.  If Helios wants Ryan’s autograph, I’ll just march up to him and get it.  If he wants to give me a peck on the cheek, I’ll have to say no thanks.

Foxy

Betrayed by my body?

RT @PelvicHlthPsych: Mary Lou Ballweg – women with #endo feel betrayed by their bodies; others do not believe their suffering.

A rebuttal to the above retweet:

The thing I object to with the above quote is that “betrayal” is such a strong word.  I don’t mind my body.  It could be worse.  If I’d had the choice, I’d have chosen another body.  But betrayal?  No.  I’ve got an abnormal body but that doesn’t mean that I feel betrayed by it.  I’ve felt disappointed, distraught and unable to feel like a woman when I had my miscarriages.  I’ve been depressed thanks to the endometriosis.  Part of the reason my first marriage failed was due to endometriosis.

However, I am so much happier now that I consider all that went before to be a blessing in disguise.  The pain is something I continually endure.  Of course I’m not happy about it but I accept it as part of me as much as my fingers, toes and head.  My pain is something that helps me appreciate the good things in life – including my pain-free days, my fantastic Helios and supportive friends.  I would be a completely different person without my endometriosis pain and who knows if I would like that person?  I like myself the way I am now – and that includes the endometriosis pain.

Foxy

Nine Weeks

During week seven I had some pain on the Wednesday: the usual period pain but not nearly so strong.  Unsurprisingly the next day I had a bit of spotting which left me in my usual panic – do I have a period or not.  I decided to wait for another week in the hopes that my spotting would stop.  My right ovary is very uncomfortable – it’s as if it’s stuck against something inside again.

Luckily the spotting and pain has stopped.  Both ovaries are uncomfortable.  It’s not all the time and not severe but when I feel it I can’t help but wonder.

Week eight has passed without incident.  My bloating has abated; my PMT has nearly disappeared.  I’m starting to wonder if those few days of discomfort during week seven was actually a “ghost period” and now I can get on with stretching my time between periods even longer.  Who knows?  I may stretch it to once every six months like the doctor at my colposcopy suggested!

Speaking of biopsies, I got my test results after the colposcopy.  The biopsy came back negative.  I have another follow up in September for another smear test.  I’ll mention the ovarian pain again and get any reassurance I need for just two periods per year.

I will admit to being very tired.  Last weekend and this weekend I’ve found myself needing a nap at least once or else fall asleep uncomfortably on the couch.  Of course if I find the fatigue too much, I’ll give myself a period and see how things go from there.

Today is another Bank Holiday in England so Helios and I are watching movies and relaxing.  Helios is ironing and I’m trying not to fall asleep on the couch again.  My right shoulder is still sore.  It’s been sore for a number of days – or even weeks.  While over the counter painkillers and Deep Heat help, it’s never long before the pain comes back.  Particularly beneath my shoulder blade has a number of painful knots.  I’m debating going to the doctor or just getting a proper back, shoulder and neck massage to see what helps.

Foxy

Rescued from a man-eating spider

I hate it when I see something shoot across the floor and when I look closely I see an eight-legged monster.  I’m not normally frightened of insects but there is something wholly unnatural about all those legs!

Lucky Helios is very understanding when he hears me gasp.  I tell him where it is and he claps it in his hands and throws it out the door.  It’s so nice to be able to rely on someone who doesn’t think I’m a complete idiot for being afraid of spiders.

Thanks Helios!

Foxy

The up side of chronic illness

I know what you’re thinking after all the frustration with simply getting a diagnosis, the medications, surgeries, the psychological impact including depression and relationship breakdowns, there isn’t really an up side, is there?

The good news is that I think there is a silver lining to everything; here’s my short list of what’s good about having a chronic illness:

1) You know your true friends.  Oh sure anyone can have over 500 facebook friends who are playing Mafia Wars and FarmVille but who among us can name friends that we can truly rely on?  I can.  There aren’t 500 of them, but there are enough to keep me going when times are tough.

2) You are not alone.  There are others out there who can sympathise and give advice – not just doctors.  When my sister encouraged me to start blogging I was originally out of work.  Initially I found it to be therapeutic: writing about what really irks me about my illnesses as well as normal day-to-day living.  Venting, even onto a blank sheet of paper can be amazingly helpful.

However, since I started Tweeting as well, I’ve met a number of women who endure so much more than I do that it’s made me look again at my situation.  Although I have a number of chronic illnesses I currently have them in a manageable state and enjoy a happy marriage with Helios.

3) You appreciate the good days so much more than someone without chronic illness.  Is this a gift?  Yes!  We aren’t like other people.  The days that we have enough energy and are pain-free we grab with both hands.  We may find ourselves doing things that others may find mundane but because we don’t get the opportunity often, we do it with real feeling.  Who would have thought that going to the grocery store or walking the dog would be such a delight?

Do you know people who bemoan daily living?  I know a few and find them hard tolerate.  I find myself reminding them that the weather is good and they have a great personal life but they focus on the negative.  I just don’t understand it.  Here I am in a full time job, lucky to be able to hold down a job and I try to make sure I appreciate it.  I remind everyone that we’re lucky to be alive.  Who would you rather have as a friend: someone who always brings you down or someone who is constantly happy to wake up in the morning and finds themselves awake?

My true friends always teach me something about the world I thought I knew – a new perspective.  That’s your gift to the world.  It’s unfortunate that you have to endure endometriosis to know this perspective but it’s made you a beautiful person.   Someone worth making the effort to know!

Foxy

Endometriosis Tea: Guinea Pig

I’ve recently been looking into alternative treatments for my endometriosis.  When I found a recipe for something called Endometriosis Tea, I was curious.  Here was a simple recipe for a tea that I could drink twice daily.  How hard could it be?

Here are the website and recipe:

http://www.endo-resolved.com/herbal.html

Endometriosis Tea 

1 teaspoon each vitex berries, echinacea root, wild yam rhizome and cramp bark

½ teaspoon each horsetail stalks, red raspberry and motherwort

1 quart water

Combine herbs and water in an uncovered pot and bring to a boil. Turn down the heat and let simmer gently for about 5 minutes. Remove from heat, cover and steep for 15 minutes. Strain out herbs. Drink at least 2 cups daily. This formula can also be taken as a tincture or in capsules. 

The endo-resolved website said that the tea will only begin to take effect after a few months.  As this is a long-term solution to a chronic problem, I’ll have to make the concoction a few times before deciding that it’s worth the candle.

The plusses so far are that the herbs are positively cheap in comparison to surgery.   Lucky for me there’s a place on the high street where I was able to find all the ingredients  so restocking will be a breeze.  Fingers crossed I see results!

In the meantime it’s been over 10 weeks since my last period.  I have had a number of  “periody” moments in the past couple of weeks but nothing so painful that I needed to be sent home from work.  It’s as if my body decides that I need to start and then, just as I’m beginning to notice feeling uncomfortable, it goes again.  I will be pressing on with the birth control pills through this week at work (my line manager is on holiday – leaving me to hold the reins) before contemplating giving myself a period.  If past experience is anything to go by, I could do with remaining sharp this week!

Foxy

It’s a Monday

I know I shouldn’t complain.  I’ve got a lot of reasons to be grateful today but it’s Monday and I’m not feeling particularly grateful.  Downright grouchy is closer to the mark.  I’m tired and I want my right ovary to stop burning!

I hope I’m allowed the odd bad day?  I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Foxy

What would you do if it were your last day on earth?

I read a new blog called Alice’s Bucket List.  She’s 15 and has terminal cancer.  It’s on days like today that I’m grateful I just have chronic illnesses.  Life could be worse, couldn’t it.  Here’s the link:

http://alicepyne.blogspot.com/

Have a read.  Try not to cry.  Help her complete her bucket list if you can.

Foxy

The Alchemist Quote – Paulo Coelho

“My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy confides to the alchemist one night as they look up at a moonless night.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself,” the alchemist replies. “And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

As you know, suffering is a part of my life as much as my next breath.  As much as I hate the term “suffering” there were times when I have suffered with Endometriosis.  Still, I prefer the term “enduring”.  The connotation being that suffering is something that we have no control over – something that controls us.  While enduring is something that I accept and control.  I have nothing to fear from something I can endure.

I consider myself lucky that I am able to manage my pain through running birth control pill packs together.  It’s been over 10 weeks since my last period.  I have a few odd moments but, for the most part, I have been pain free and without bleeding.

I hope you are enduring your misfortunes bravely.

Foxy

Advertise advertise advertise

If you remember correctly, I was born in the US  but came to live in the UK.  I am British now but still sound American.  When I meet someone new, I am regularly asked where I’m from.  When I say London, they look confused and I say “Oh you mean where was I born!”

I’ve been contemplating how to make the general population more aware of endometriosis.  I can’t help but be a little disheartened when I mention endometriosis and I have to start at the beginning – what the symptoms are, what the treatments are, how long it takes for a diagnosis and why.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that the fact that we talk about it helps to inform the general population but we could be doing more.

For instance, I don’t know which Endometriosis charity supports research.  I don’t know where I can best donate money.  I am interested in donating time to the telephone support system in place for Endo UK but am uncertain as to if my expertise would be acceptable.  I don’t have any previous experience and expect that will count against me.

So here I am blogging to my endosisters.  Please forgive me when I say that I’m frustrated.  As grateful as I am that you’re reading my blog again, but I wish there was a way to talk to the general population.  It would be wonderful to meet someone new and not have to go through the whole process of explaining all about endometriosis.  It’s the same feeling I get when I explain again where I was born and how I came to live in the UK.  It’s frustrating to have to re-tell the story again and again.

If only there were a way to obviously advertise endometriosis.  The way I figure it, the more people talking about endometriosis, the more doctors will be interested in endometriosis research.  We would be closer to better pain management and ultimately a cure.  I can dream for a cure, can’t I?

Foxy

Yet another strange dream

I regularly have very vivid dreams – possibly due to the PCOS.  This morning I woke up after a dream where I was still married to my ex-husband.  He and I had travelled to the South of France and he was working while I went shopping.  As much as we all like shopping, I was lonely…

Again, it’s little wonder that I’m so grateful to have Helios in my life!

Foxy

About last night

Mom, I know you like reading this blog so I’ll make sure to keep the gory details to a minimum!  If, despite my efforts, you’re still grossed out – you can’t say you’ve not been warned.

My wonderful Helios and I were fooling around last night.  It was fabulous as always.  After the proceedings, I felt odd and uncomfortable.  My womb wasn’t quite right.  I was spotting.  I wasn’t sure if I should take a paracetamol but dozed off safe in the knowledge that I could sleep through the night.

Unfortunately I woke up from pain at 12:30.  By this time the pain was shooting down my legs.  I was still spotting.  I decided to take a paracetamol/codeine and went back to bed.

I spent the next hour trying not to wake Helios.  I was tormented with thoughts of my endometriosis.  Should I go to work tomorrow?  I have to go to work tomorrow – no choice.  I’ve got plans.  But I won’t be able to function under this kind of pain.  Would I go to work but then come home if I can’t take it?  No.  I really needed the whole day.  Why do things always seem worse in the middle of the night?

I crawled over Helios again to go to the toilet at 1:30 a.m.and the pain was beginning to abate.  I was still unconvinced.  I just couldn’t decide if I should try to sleep on the couch.  I went back to bed and crawled over Helios.  It didn’t take long when I finally drifted off.

This morning I woke up, got out of bed and immediately had some breakfast and a mefanamic acid tablet.  I was still uncomfortable but was desperate to ensure I could work well.

It worked.  I managed to get to work and held off the pain well enough that no one at work could imagine what I’d been through the night before.  I’m still spotting.

The experience has convinced me that I need to make sure to have a period this weekend coming.  I had my last period in March.  I’ve managed to hold off pain for a number of months instead of weeks.  Since March I had a number of issues with bloating and PMT but, in an effort to control my pain, I really can’t complain.  However, I may feel differently this weekend!

Foxy

Pain

Not in a life-threatening way but the sort of pain that you can’t ignore.  I felt it creeping up on me earlier today.  My back tightened.  I kept walking oddly in an effort to stretch it out.  But it is endometriosis – no stretching will help.  I’ve been taking the painkillers for a couple of days to get it into my system before the worst of the pain takes hold.

It’s usually in my back – travelling down my legs – it’s making me incoherent.  My head rolls on my neck.  My eyes are blank.  I am easily annoyed.  It hurts to move.  It hurts to be still.  I’m unable to concentrate.  I have a hard time finishing sentences.  My womb is grumbling.  My ovaries are burning.  I’m tired but am having trouble sleeping.

Wave after wave of pain crashing over my back, oozing down my legs.  Having trouble breathing.  Catch breath – then deep breath again.  Don’t move.  Can’t keep my eyes open.  Can’t sleep.  Is there any way I can make this go faster?  Push.  Still pain.  Is there any way I can get through this?  Is it little wonder I dread my periods?!

Not feeling quite human.

Foxy

Depression and Chronic Illness

It is little wonder that people with chronic illness suffer with depression!  If you were told that you would regularly endure vomiting and passing out from pain at least once a month for the rest of your life – you, like me, would see no end of pain.  No relief.  No hope.

Of course in some ways it would be easier if we were bleeding from the eyes because at least then others would be able to easily spot the trouble and treat us with the care and attention we deserve!  But I digress…

A psychologist once told me that depression doesn’t occur in people who are assholes: people who are abrasive, rude, self-assured and never seem to have any problems to speak of who go through life saying “Why don’t you just…”

People who endure depression regularly think of others before themselves and care about what other people think.  Perhaps we’re too busy trying to live up to the expectations of others to take care of ourselves properly?  Whatever the reason, once again, if you’ve got depression brought on by a chronic illness you’re in good company here.

According to http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_women.htm The signs of depression are:

• Depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Feelings of guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness
• Suicidal thoughts or recurrent thoughts of death
• Sleep disturbance (sleeping more or sleeping less)
• Appetite and weight changes
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of energy and fatigue

Depression crept upon me slowly.  I didn’t wake up one morning with the uncontrollable urge to cry every 5 minutes.  There wasn’t one particular incident that made me wish I were dead.  The feelings of worthlessness I had stemmed from a number of suspicions and experiences that are too numerous to mention.  It stemmed from an unhappy marriage and miscarriages.  I felt I was unable to be a woman because I was unable to have a baby.  I felt that if I could only have a baby, I would be vindicated because I could finally achieve something.  How awful it is that – for a woman who feels worthless – I couldn’t even produce offspring which is something that most women simply lay back and think of England to achieve!

It’s little wonder then that where and when I cried only increased.  For years I felt I was totally alone.  In trying to find some happiness I made friends but felt empty.  In the end, it seemed that the only good thing in my life was my friendship with Helios.  When I asked God for a less stressful life, a more simple life, I believe He sent me Helios.  I tried a number of things to try and break through my discontent: I wrote a diary, I had numerous sessions with a psychologist, and ultimately I changed my life entirely, for the better.

I addressed everything at once: my health issues, my employment, and my personal relationships.  I started taking neural inhibitors for my incessant vaginal pain from bacterial vaginosis.  I separated from my first husband and started seeing Helios regularly.  I divorced and had my second laparoscopy.  I started taking metformin to control my insulin resistance.  I started using HRT to control my PCOS symptoms.  I started taking St John’s Wort in an effort to stop crying.  I divorced and purchased a small flat with the financial settlement.  I took the birth control pill and then stopped again – because the St John’s Wort counteracted with my birth control.  I took Milk Thistle for my PMT.  I rattled with the tablets I was taking.  I worried about all the tablets counter-acting with one another.

In the middle of it all, Helios was there and supported me.  He looked after be after my second surgery and then my third.  He never made me feel weak or guilty.  We married despite all the physical problems I have.  He was always gentle and kind to me.

Even after my life had completely changed for the better, I was still unable to shake the feeling that my head was still stuck in a dark cloud.  I knew I was happy but I just didn’t feel it.  I finally gave in and discussed the matter again with my doctor who again recommended prozac.  This time I took it.  Within the year I was finally myself again – and happy.

Just because I’ve had depression doesn’t mean that I am weak.  I am strong because I was able to ask for help.  I care about others which means I’m a good person.

Foxy

Summer Solstace

The longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere is 21^st June.  For London, sunrise is at4:42 a.m. and sunset is at9:20 p.m. today.

Having grown up in the Midwest US, I really appreciate the longer summer days.  Sure, the summers here are cooler and you cannot guarantee sunshine in England, but the extra sunlight certainly does brighten the mood!

Happy Summer everyone!

Foxy

Helios and Me

It was three years ago today that Helios married.  It was a wonderful day topped off by the fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

Happy Anniversary my love!

Foxy

Endometriosis Treatment: Birth Control Pill

I don’t think any treatment for endometriosis is worth its weight in gold but this one works for me.  I take several pill packs back to back.  My last cycle was nearly 12 weeks between periods.  The theory is that the fewer periods I have, the less pain I am in.

Plusses

The theory is fairly accurate.  I have a fantastic time when I feel normal.  I don’t live in the constant dread of pain.  I have it on good authority that I can leave it as long as 6 months between periods.  On the same theory, the fewer periods I have the better love life I have.  Because I have so many weeks between periods, my hormone levels are regular and I don’t have too many weeks where I need to take Milk Thistle.

Because I take birth control, I can plan when I have a period and ensure that my periods occur at the most convenient time for me: I can organise my periods around my life instead of my life around my period.

Minuses

My body periodically demands a period – meaning I have PMT and then spotting for a week or so before I go back to feeling more human.  Also the bloating is hard to hide.  I do spend a lot of time feeling a bit like a beached whale.  The longer I take the birth control, the more days I need to take Milk Thistle for PMT.  I also experience bloating and a right ovary that burns regularly.

It’s not ideal by any stretch of the imagination.  Ideal would be take a tablet and all the pain goes away totally.  However, I would tolerate another surgery if it meant that all the endometriosis would be completely eradicated.

Endometriosis is a nuisance because different treatments work for different women so just because something works for me (or rather I can tolerate this treatment plan) doesn’t mean that this will be good for you.  However, you have to know about all the options before you can try things that work for you.

Have a pain-free tomorrow!

Foxy

Nightmare

A friend of mine, J at My Autoimmune Life, lost her baby in January.  I had a dream about her last night: I was working in a doctor’s office and chatting with nurses.  I was crying, sobbing.  I was telling them about this patient who’d been through a number of miscarriages and who, when she’d finally had a baby, the baby died after only 13 days.  Then, after suffering the indignity of subjecting her baby to an autopsy, the doctors couldn’t find any reason why the baby died.  The more I cried, the more people came around to watch.  I expect they were trying to console me but they didn’t say anything…

I was sobbing.  I’m still tearing remembering it.  I had to get up at 5:15 a.m. to watch some TV.

While I didn’t believe it at the time, I think my miscarriages were a blessing.  However, there are times when I think God’s got it wrong.  As I’ve followed J, I’ve been through a full range of emotions over the past year or more – delighted for her when she looked like she’d be carrying “Littlest” to term.  Concerned but happy that Littlest came into the world safely.  I thought with medical science what it is, I could relax now and become a favourite auntie who regularly sends great presents.

I felt like I’ve been kicked in the gut when Littlest died.  In this day and age I just hadn’t begun to contemplate Littlest dying.  Oh sure, if we were talking 200 years ago when infant mortality rates were high I may have kept saying my prayer for her but this is 2011!  Tiny babies just aren’t supposed to die!

Then there’s the terrible irony that makes me angry: Littlest couldn’t have asked for nicer parents and she died!  J had tried and tried to carry to term and, when she finally had a beautiful baby I expected her bad luck to be over, you know?  I can completely understand J’s sentiments – that she doesn’t want to talk about God at the moment.  Would you?

I found myself angry with God on her behalf.  How much suffering can He put people through anyway?  I mean, I’d always thought that things generally turned out for the best and after a couple of years you might be grateful for certain things happening that you’d thought weren’t brilliant at the time.

It’s so hard to sit on the other side of theAtlanticfrom a friend in need.  Helplessness is a familiar feeling with my being stuck on another ocean side.  I’ve missed weddings and funerals but this circumstance shook me to the core.  There aren’t many things that would shake my beliefs but this has.

Since I’ve started re-evaluating my life, I’ve started looking into Buddhism.  I don’t expect I should be surprised that I’m finding answers there that Christianity hasn’t provided in this circumstance.  I know I’m cherry-picking my religions again, but it’s the best way for me to decide how the world should be.

Foxy

Cookies

Yesterday I made a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.  I sell them at work in order to raise money for Cancer ResearchUK.  I will be participating in a Relay for Life event in July and need to raise money.  Well, I don’t sell all of them, as Helios helps with the process I always make sure he has a few before I organise the rest to go to the office.

Feel healthy everyone!

Foxy

Believe

Is there any way of making Endometriosis more accessible to the general public?

I still have a hard time talking about Endo to my friends as work.  I don’t want for them to think that I’m constantly in pain when I’m not.  I don’t want them to think that I’m on another crusade.

But what would happen if all the women in the UK got together and signed a petition demanding more information?  More research.  Better treatment…  What would happen if all the women in the UK were able to get together and demand more information in schools for girls; more posters in GP surgeries and hospitals; better information for doctors who consequently won’t tell any more of us that the pain is all in our heads?

How many of us are out there?  Depending on which web-side I read, it’s anywhere between 3% and 10% of women who have endometriosis: but what is it exactly?  Does it matter that up to 10% of women worldwide have endometriosis?  How many women are there in the UK?  According to National Statistics Online (http://www.statistics.gov.uk/cci/nugget.asp?id=1651), the number of women in the UK  in 2007 was approximately 31 million.  If as many as 3% of us has endometriosis, we number a small army.  Imagine what we could achieve if we got together…

Believe

Foxy

Stress

Just surviving an average day in a normal body can be tricky sometimes.  Currently at work I’m amalgamating two different filing systems.  Well, when I say me, I mean I’m running the project and I’ve got a number of people who work for me on the project.  I’ve got one boy of 20 working for me full time and several others who dip in and out.  It’s a long, drawn-out process that I’m not quite half way through.  I find it tricky because some days I have just two or three extra hands while Friday I had seven people helping.

I suppose it’s little wonder I get home and collapse.  I’m not really accustomed to running up and down the stairs quite so often.  I’m in pain but mostly from fatigue and the dull ache from moving so many files up and down.  My feet are aching.  I’ve got a knot in my back that rarely seems to ease.

Bearing in mind how busy I’ve been the last few weeks at work, it’s little wonder that I struggle with sleep.  Last night I dreamt I was working in a child day-care centre.  It was a very colourful place but a bit shabby.  There was a nice corner under the stairs with some vintage bedroom furniture – very 60s!  Angular chairs with terra cotta cushions and a small single minimalist bed with matching covers.  These were hidden by a curtain under the stairs.  On the other side of the curtain there was a ramshackle single bed with lots of cushions and different quilts.  At another stairwell there was a multi-coloured rope instead of a banister.  The rope wasn’t very well made and fell apart when I tried to climb the stairs.  I’m sure there’s some meaning there – mostly work related!

The up side to all this work is that I’m sure it looks great on a CV!

Foxy

US/UK Differences: Red

You may recall that I was born an American but moved to England for good in 1995.  I can’t help but mention the odd difference between the two cultures from time to time…

My Helios is a red-head.  While I was raised to not judge people by colour of their skin, in England there is a long-held prejudice against red-heads.  Oh sure there is the preconceived notion that red-heads have a terrible temper on both sides of the Atlantic.  But in the US that’s really where the generalisations and persecution stops.  When I was young, the thought that red-heads have a terrible temper never stopped me from making friends.  Consequently I found that red-heads don’t have any more of a temper than I do.

However, in England the treatment of red-heads is so objectionable that it’s little wonder they are commonly thought to have a terrible temper.  This English prejudice ranges from a cold adjective thrown at a red-head to downright humiliation.  Helios is regularly called “Ginger”.  While in the US this is simply another adjective to describe a red-head, while in England “Ginger” is usually said with a cold venom.

More disgustingly, red-heads are also regularly called “ginger pubes” – as if red-hair shouldn’t stop on their heads.  It is common practice for hen parties to go to pubs and force the prospective bride to perform certain embarrassing tasks.  These tasks always include asking a red-headed man to reveal his lower-garden for general ridicule.

Red-heads are always considered to be less attractive than blonds or brunettes.  I was once told by a former friend to never have children with Helios just in case it came out ginger.  “You wouldn’t want a ginger baby!” she said.  I didn’t stick around long enough to ascertain if she meant that she understood about the prejudice and how hard a red-headed child might have life in the UK– or if she simply meant that any child that Helios and I might have produced had the potential of being ugly.  It’s a good thing I’m not a violent woman because that former friend nearly got a smack in the mouth!

I first met my Helios on the telephone – he worked in a different office of the same company.  We became friends without really knowing what the other person looked like.  So when we had the necessary conversation involving what the other person like when we met for the first time, he described himself as “fat, bald and ginger”.  Well, let me tell you, he’s not fat – he’s actually very trim considering he has a desk job!  He’s bald, but I’m not in my 20s anymore and now find a man without hair to be very attractive.  As for ginger – that’s just a hair colour to me.  Although in the environment I’m discussing, you can understand why I thought he was putting himself down in three quickly-typed adjectives.

It’s a practice that I never really understood – the ridicule of another group simply because they are different.  There are enough hurdles in life without placing another before someone needlessly!

Foxy

Hope Despite Depression

I’ve recently joined SeededBuzz, a community of bloggers who are promoting one another’s blogs when I found this: http://hopedespitedepression.blogspot.com/2010/11/grateful-for-depresson.html

Now, bearing in mind that I have a number of chronic illnesses and have suffered a long bought of depression in the past, I know exactly how the writer feels.  Although depression is something that I’ve overcome, I will never have a cure for my endometriosis.  My pain is something that I hate and identify with myself.  My pain has given me a special sympathy for others.

Buddhism has given me more answers lately than any other philosophy.  There was once a woman who was distraught after losing her baby.  She went to the Buddha for help.  The Buddha told her that she would find solace when she could bring back a mustard seed from the house where no one had lost a loved one.  Needless to say, the woman could not find a house where no one had lost a loved one but gained a lot of support from all the people that she talked to.  She returned to the Buddha not with a mustard seed, but with thanks for the Buddha.

The point is we grow stronger when we support one another.  Emotional pains are invisible but just as valid as physical pain.

Foxy

Five Things Friday

I saw this on Wishfulfillment Everyday and thought “what a good idea!”  Here’s five things for you:

1. As you know I’m on my second marriage.  What you don’t know is that we probably watch far too much TV.  We religiously watch Top Gear every Sunday night.  We’ve seen all Star Treks – the original series, TNG, Voyager, DS9 and Enterprise.  We’ve seen all of Babylon 5 twice.  We’ve also seen all of Stargate and Stargate Atlantis.  It’s official – I’m a nerd!

2. I only shower twice a week because I have long hair and very dry skin.  Although now I mention it, showering is a spectator sport in my house.  Occasionally I try to make the excuse of chatting to Helios when he’s in the shower but I usually just go to watch the show…

3. Occasionally I buy generic presents on sale in anticipation of Christmas and neighbour’s birthdays.  This year I’ve taken all the ones I can find and have put them into a raffle as prizes for my Relay for Life – Cancer Research UK charity event this summer.

4. I love baking cookies but find the dough a bit hard on my wrists.  I regularly have Helios’s help with the mixing.

5. During the week I have eggs for breakfast but at the weekend I regularly have beans on toast with cheese and jalapenos peppers.

Foxy

The Flaws are Fine

I don’t live in what can be considered a normal body.  I have endometriosis, PCOS, Insulin Resistance and other chronic illnesses.  I identify with my problems as much as my achievements.  I am imperfect and happy to be so.  When I saw Laura Page’s article called “The Flaws are Fine” I immediately felt in good company.  What I love about the sentiment of The Flaws are Fine is that imperfection is not something we have to settle for – rather it’s something to be celebrated.

I saw a documentary once where Stephen Hawking described the universe as imperfect.  He said that, had the matter in the universe been perfectly formed and uniformly spaced – that the universe would not have ever produced life.  It was only the imperfections that allowed matter to grow to form stars, planets and eventually life.

I expect most people in a perfectly normal body would feel relieved to know that perfection will always be out of their grasp but I feel vindicated to know that I’m never going to be perfect.  I can accept myself as I am and be delighted that I’m as perfect as I’m going to get.

Foxy

Learning your limitations

Endometriosis came into my life at a very early age.  I was 12 when I experienced my first symptoms.  Despite this, I had plenty of dreams when I was young: I wanted to become a teacher.  I wanted to write stories in the summers and become a famous novelist.  I thought I’d move to a French-speaking country and teach English as a second language.  I wanted a nice husband and 2 children.  They weren’t extravagant dreams – I’d have thought they were perfectly achievable!

To a certain extent I came close to achieving my goals.  While birth control effectively masked my symptoms in my 20s, I got a degree in European History and French but still needed by teaching qualification.  Then, as with many of us, life happened to me.  I met my first husband and moved to England.  By the time I was legally able to work in England, we really needed money so I took a job as a secretary.  Before I knew it, many years had passed, I hadn’t got my teaching qualification but I was a very good secretary.

My life wasn’t shaping up as I’d planned but at least I thought I’d be able to have a couple of children with my first husband.  I was taking birth control until the point when he decided that we ought to try for children.  When the birth control left my system, my familiar period pain returned in abundance.  It took another couple of years before I was diagnosed with endometriosis, PCOS and insulin resistance.

Like Peter Waite on “Letting Go of the life we have Planned”, it took me a number of years to accept life in my body.  Oh sure, I’d had endometriosis all along, but having strange symptoms and learning to accept your diagnosis and the limitations that a chronic illness places on you are two different things.

Learning to accept yourself – including any malady you have – takes time.  Lots of time.  In the process you may need to re-evaluate your long-term goals.  You may need to ensure that you don’t feel guilty for letting go your old life-plan.  You may need to learn how to manage your physical symptoms.  You may need to make changes to your lifestyle.  You may even need to ask for help from friends and/or a partner.

All these considerations take time and effort.  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  Don’t feel guilty when you can’t do what you wish you could.  Don’t worry when life-plans need to change.  As with the rest of your life, the journey has yet to be completed.

Foxy

Honesty

Thanks to Jo Gifford at The Dexterous Diva for her inspirational post: Honesty.

As Jo says, being honest isn’t easy, is it?  Being in pain for so long without a diagnosis can mean that although you may know something isn’t right, you are working under the false premise that everything is normal with your body.  You could say I went through a grieving process after my diagnosis.

The seven stages of grief are:

1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. anger and bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and Hope

For me, I think I experienced the first three stages at once – going backwards and forwards through these stages like a remote control car that bounces across the room and into walls before being turned around.  I was suddenly 17 again and full of feelings I could not control.  I tried to carry on my normal life without any help – partially because I was trying to get pregnant at the time so couldn’t take any medication.  Also partially because I was too proud to admit that I actually had a problem…

Although I told people at work what the condition was, I tried to get along at work with no help.  This resulted in me not coping with anything well.  Despite the fact that the first surgeon lasered off my endometriosis legions, I needed time off work periodically simply to cope with my pain.  I know I should have discussed it with my HR people in detail but, at the time, I didn’t.  I felt weak enough as it was, I didn’t want to feel as though people had to make allowances for me.

Because my first husband would not discuss my illnesses with me made me feel lonely and less of a woman.  I would say that the long hours he spent at work was a real problem but after my surgery he simply went back to being himself.  He never realised that I might need more support and I was too much in denial to admit that I needed his help.  I was angry at my body that I could not fall pregnant.

I was in a downward mental spiral: I had a diagnosis but wouldn’t discuss managing my symptoms; I felt guilty when I was in pain which was made worse when my first husband would make snide remarks implying that I was lazy when I was in pain; I was angry that I should have to endure this pain that no-one else seemed to understand.  Of course it didn’t occur to me to help people understand my pain: I preferred to endure it all in silence – which made my depression and loneliness worse.

I didn’t actually achieve honesty until I got to stage 6.  I officially gave up trying to fall pregnant.  I started taking lots of medication in an effort to get on top of my symptoms.  I took a neural inhibitor, painkillers, HRT patches for my PCOS symptoms (which provoked my endometriosis symptoms), and ultimately I gave in and started taking anti-depressants.

At the same time I separated from my husband and became close friends with Helios.  Where my first husband didn’t understand, Helios did.  Where I felt lonely and depressed, I started to hope again.

That was years ago.  Now I have a pain management system that works reasonably well for me.  I wouldn’t say I’m delighted – only a cure would make me completely satisfied – but I manage with the cards I’ve been given in life.  Although I am not in a position at work where I can work from home, I am honest with my work colleagues and, on the days when I am in pain, I am given tasks that I can cope with.  At home I have my wonderful wonderful husband who never makes me feel guilty or lazy.  When I am in pain, he asks if he can get me anything and then sends me to bed.  I know I’m bound for bed when I don’t have the energy to argue – so I head for bed.

Foxy

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Five Things Friday

1. I’ve been seeing all the Harry Potter films in the cinema – The Philosopher’s Stone on 8th July, Chamber of Secrets on 9th July, Prisoner of Azkaban on 10th July, etc etc. I loved every minute but am now loving relaxing with my Darling Helios tonight.
2. I’m happy with where I work but there have been changes that I’m not entirely happy with recently. Consequently, when there was a secretarial job advertised in the village, I tweaked my CV and applied. Fingers crossed!
3. My shoulders and neck are in significant amounts of pain. I’ve been regularly taking paracetamol and
4. My Helios does the ironing. When we first got together I offered to do the ironing and he (being a former RAF man) said my ironing wasn’t good enough. I told him that he could do it but I think he said that just so he could do the ironing. He likes it. (!)
5. This weekend I’m participating in my Relay for Life event to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Cancer has a lot to answer for and I’m going to make it pay – one step at a time.

Work Update

The past few weeks I’ve been amalgamating a filing system. On average I’m working 40-41 hours a week at the moment. In normal circumstances I don’t have people working for me but our receptionist and another secretary are helping where they can with the project. I had an office junior for just over 3 weeks but he had a job interview yesterday and starts a new job on Monday. The loss of my junior is a terrible blow to the project: the rest of us have other tasks to be getting on with as well as this project. My junior has managed to get through a fantastic amount of the hard work. Now he’s gone, I have to ask for another personal slave and pray that I’m given one! We’re currently over half-way through the project and I’ve already lost the will to live with the endeavour.

I’m tired of working such long hours. I’m tired of such a huge project with seemingly no end in sight. Now that I’ve lost Junior, it’s going to take longer. I’m totally fed up with work. It’s a shame. I really like the people I work for and believe that, once the dust settles it will be a pretty good place to work. However, I’m so exhausted most of the time that I really have to concentrate to see the fruits of my labour. I cannot stress enough how tired I am.

Last Friday, after a day of training, everyone was allowed to go except for the administration girls – we all had to stay just in case the phones rang. Well, ultimately the decision was amended so that one of us had to stay until 5:30 and the rest of us could go. My line manager was absolutely livid. After weeks of hard graft, the least they could do is to let us all go an hour early. Bearing in mind that people in the other offices go at 3:00 p.m. on a Friday, it’s little wonder we were incensed at the verdict to keep the office open.

I offered to stay behind because I was going to see the first of all the Harry Potter films that evening with my dear Helios. When I was alone and had closed up the office for the night, I opened up the newspaper and saw the answer: a permanent job at a local (about 10 minutes walk from the flat) private school advertising for a Secretary to Development Director.

The position will provide secretarial and administrative support to the Development Director and the Deputy Development Director; to organise, and help prepare for, meetings by the Development Director and Deputy Development Director with donors and potential donors, and to co-ordinate the follow-up. The postholder will work very closely with the Information Manager (Development Office) who is responsible for maintaining comprehensive records of all donors and their gifts, and all potential donors, as well as efficient office and ‘donor stewardship’ systems. The bit that really caught my eye was the request of fund-raising and/or events management. Over the years I’ve organised a number of charitable events outside working hours. Wouldn’t it be nice to work for a school to help organise events regularly? Finally a place to work where I will feel like I’m making the world a better place – in my own small way! When not out with Helios at the cinema last weekend, I was working on my CV and application form. Last Sunday I sent it off by email.

Fingers crossed!

Foxy

Relay for Life

A team from my work participated in a Relay for Life this past weekend. In case you’re not familiar – the Relay for Life is an event to raise money for Cancer Research UK. My team (not all of them at once) walked non-stop for 24 hours between noon Saturday and noon Sunday.

I felt pretty rough on Saturday so I didn’t go to the Relay until Sunday morning. By that point I realised that my exhaustion was partially due to a pretty heavy head-cold. Although I was uncomfortable, I did my walk and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. The track was surrounded by Candle of Hope bags – hand decorated by those of us who wanted to remember a loved one or to give hope to the rest of us. I will admit to crying most of the time I was there…

I still have a heavy head-cold and so stayed home today from work. I really debated going in but decided (rightly I think) that I don’t get paid enough to play the martyr. Your health is the most important thing, isn’t it?

Foxy

Five things Friday

1. Helios and I watch a lot of science fiction. Currently it’s all the Star Treks starting with Enterprise.

2. In my 20s (when my birth control so effectively managed my endometriosis symptoms that I considered myself normal) I managed to get a degree in European History and French. I still love history and regularly watch documentaries on the Yesterday channel.

3. I like rain. I’ve always liked it. My favourite memory of the rain was when I was walking in the middle of my old university campus. It was summertime and the weather, as always in the Midwest US was painfully hot. The rain was a cool respite – a gift from the heavens.

4. I nearly fell over when I read that Marilyn Monroe had endometriosis. The fact has made me look at her in a completely different light. The success, drugs, marriages, lack of children… In the middle of all that was pain. My pain. She and I have something in common. After I got over the shock I couldn’t help but think: “Who else has endometriosis who can help bring light to the illness”??

5. Despite only spending two days at work, I’m still pretty tired. I think I overdid it by running files up and down the stairs again. My feet are just killing me!

Rotten Headache

After a nasty head-cold (and managing to get enough rest to keep it from going onto my chest) I spent a couple of days at work last week.  I was a bit slower than usual but managed sufficiently.

I woke up Saturday with a nasty sinus headache – just above my left eye.  I took a sinus pain tablet and slept most of the afternoon.  I finally felt better when I woke up, a little drowsy but OK.  I slept well Saturday night and woke up again Sunday with the same headache.

Sunday’s headache has been harder to get rid of.  I took the same tablet, had a nap for a couple of hours but still had the headache.  I decided to take a shower and the steam has helped.  It’s still lingering but not as bad as it was.

I decided to chat to my mom.  Chatting to Mom always makes me feel better.  Helios made a hot chilli while I was talking.  He always is very good at looking after me.  I’m having some food and going back to bed.

Foxy

Five Things Friday

1. My scary work project is finally nearly over.  I’ve been amalgamating two filing systems into one new system for the past few weeks.  Today I finished removing the files from the old systems – except for those that are currently being worked on.  I spent the afternoon beaming and smiling around the office.  It’s so nice to see an end to a long slog!
2. A sleeping bag arrived today for Apollo’s visit.  We bought it online.  The neighbours are going to let us use their 3 man tent for the duration of his stay.  I’m really looking forward to showing him around!  He arrives with us the weekend 13/14^th August.
3. I wasn’t surprised that Amy Winehouse died.  Sad but not surprised.
4. I generally don’t like fish – I think it’s due to my Midwestern US upbringing.  The closest body of water was several hundred miles away.
5. My favourite cartoon is still Calvin & Hobbes.  Classic!

Another Busy Night

I woke up this morning after another busy night.  I also dreamt that I got a haircut.  Currently my hair is all one length and well past my shoulders.  I wasn’t consulted.  I was given a mullet.  I was distraught.  It’s taken years to get my hair this long, it would take years to rectify all the weight taken off it.

Earlier this week, I dreamt that I was with some work friends at a pub at lunchtime.  I was drinking water while everyone else was eating a lavish meal.  When I got my home-made sandwich out of the grease-proof paper, Helena Bonham-Carter grabbed it away from me and tried to eat it.  I grabbed her wrist and told her to leave my sandwich alone!  Later, we all went back to work but I was later than everyone else so I tried to sneak into my office via my dad’s old trailer park…

While for me dreams provide a nice respite from reality, I do find it irksome that I spent so much of my time (awake and asleep) at work!  Is it little wonder I return to reality with a sigh of relief?

Foxy

Five things Friday

1. I cannot stand Cricket.  I find it painfully boring.
2. My mom will be sad to read that I’m still having problems with my feet.  The tendons on the soles of my feet – particularly the one linking my big toes and my heels – occasionally experience a momentary white hot pain that makes me immediately stop walking.  It’s not a daily problem but it’s more and more regular – especially if I walk a lot.  I have a new appreciation for my feet.  If I have the same foot problem that Mom does it’s another chronic condition called plantar fasciitis and is characterised by inflammation of the feet.  OUCH!  At the moment I treat my feet by doing a lot of stretching, and massage with calendula oil.  It helps but doesn’t prevent more pain.
3. I was delighted that my sister sent me a link to inspire my blog-writing.  More details of that in the days to come…
4. I love cooking and not just cookies.  I make a great risotto, baked salmon, chilli con carne, chicken stroganoff, curry, etc.  It’s another way to be creative.  I also use cooking to express my love for someone.
5. I’ve temporarily given up on the Endometriosis Tea.  While I find it terribly tasty, I also find myself wondering if it will counter-indicate with my birth control pills.  Does anyone want my leftover ingredients to give it a go?

Endometriosis UK

I’ve been baking cookies in exchange for donations to Endometriosis UK at my office.  Here’s why we all ought to support Endometriosis UK.

Endometriosis is a chronic illness that effects between 3% – 20% (these vast differences can be found on a number of different reputable websites) of women and, unlike cancer, is an illness that most only learn about upon diagnosis.

Diagnosis can take anywhere between 5 and 20 years to achieve and always needs to be confirmed with surgery.  In waiting for a diagnosis, women endure terrible pain and are told that it’s in their heads or that it’s “just cramps” – making us assume that vomiting from pain is entirely normal.  Endometriosis pain can range from minor discomfort to passing out entirely from pain.  Needless to say, some find it hard to hold down a job if they’re vomiting from pain once a month.

There is little justification for waiting even 5 years for a diagnosis – let alone 20!  As an endometriosis patient, I would be most grateful to know that women can start to get effective pain management as soon as possible.

After diagnosis we don’t have much to look forward to; we have to settle for pain management treatment that is not entirely sufficient.  Of course, I would prefer that everyone who has a diagnosis immediately is given a tablet and given a cure but as that dream is but a pinprick of light in the distance, what I would really like for now is more recognition.

With recognition comes more research: doctors cannot research diseases that they are not aware of.  With more research comes better pain management, the confirmation of where this disease comes from and, ultimately, a cure.  As with everything else in my life, I know that a tablet with a cure will never come without the rest of the process working – and recognition is the first step.

Believe me, it is hard to know that we are still only at the first steps of the process.  However, don’t forget those of us who suffered with no hope of a diagnosis.  In the dark days when women’s health was of no interest to doctors, women like my maternal aunt would sit in the bathroom and cry for her whole period.  I have no idea if she has endometriosis but, based on anecdotal evidence, I have to admit that I believe she does.  Back in the day women like my mom were told that getting pregnant would cure their symptoms only to have a diagnosis of endometriosis when she had her hysterectomy – many many years after symptoms start.

It is my hope that our endo-daughters and granddaughters have better luck with the medical establishment than those of my mother’s and my generation!  Perhaps they will look back at us and think “How frustrating it must have been for them!”  In order for them to have a brighter future, we must do what we can to raise awareness now.

Endometriosis UK works hard to raise awareness of a debilitating chronic illness.  In the fight against Cancer, we all know to examine ourselves regularly for lumps and tumours, we all know to eat at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables a day, and we all know to check and double check moles for any changes.  We have a long way to go even before all doctors recognise the agonising symptoms of endometriosis!  We have a long way to go before we get an accurate test for endometriosis as currently the only effective diagnosis is surgery!  We have a long way to go before we know what may prevent endometriosis!

Endometriosis UK provides an invaluable information service to women with endometriosis through helplines, chatrooms, local groups and an email service.

By the time we are diagnosed we’ve been living with crippling pain for years and just the act of achieving a diagnosis creates a number of strong conflicting feelings: vindication that the pain isn’t just in our heads, sadness that we aren’t normal after all, shock that our lives will indeed have to change in order to more effectively cope with pain, guilt that we will have to continually rely on friends and family as there is no cure, and despair at the loss of dreams that are simply unachievable now that there is no cure for our unending pain.

The information service provided by Endometriosis UK helps us cope with the conflicting emotions that we continually experience.  Chronic illness has an effect on every part of a patient’s life.  I may not need to remind you that I consider the diagnosis of my chronic illnesses was part of the catalyst that led to the crumbling of my first marriage.  My ex-husband was unable to comprehend my health problems: he preferred to focus on himself just as he had through the rest of our marriage.  It was when he was unable to support me that I believe I finally began to succumb to depression.  The sad fact was that I was able to support him in his life but he was woefully incapable of supporting me.  Endometriosis was not the only problem between us but it was certainly a factor that led to our divorce.

We’ll never get a cure unless we start to get as many doctors working for us as they do for better known illnesses.  Until then, we will need Endometriosis UK for moral support that we may not be getting at home.

Anyone want a cookie?

Foxy

Work and Fortnight’s Holiday

My apologies.  I’ve neglected my blog a bit recently because I’ve been so busy at work.  The past 6 weeks or so I’ve been amalgamating two completely different filing systems.  I’ve had tremendous help in the form of a personal slave – er, um, sorry.  I’ve had tremendous help in the form of an office junior.  The first one (before he lost the will to live and left) was very intelligent and I enjoyed his company.  The second one is a genuinely nice boy but not nearly so bright as the first.  I’m sure they have both made the odd mistake but having someone strictly dedicated to the project has been a tremendous help.  I couldn’t have done it without them!

I also had some help from my receptionist.  I’m about to have a moan: you’ve been warned!  She’s a sweet lady whose heart is in the right place.  However, I’ve had to teach her about the old filing systems as well as the new one.  How can anyone work for a business for 8 years and not know anything about the filing systems?  I’ve been there 18 months and I’m teaching her!  Then, after I’d taught her everything I knew, she was still making the wrong decisions when moving files to the new system because she hadn’t written down enough when I was teaching her about the files.  She doesn’t listen.

As well as not listening she thinks of the world only in terms of black and white.  So when she’s made mistakes (as we all do from time to time) I’ve had to take great pains to remind her “This is a huge project and we’re all bound to make mistakes.  Let’s just fix the problems as we find them and not worry about who’s made what mistake, OK?”  But because she only sees the world in black and white, she frets over the mistakes she makes.  Once she’s fretting, she makes more mistakes.  It’s a downward spiral that has left her saying things like “I’m so stressed!  I’m just not sleeping!”

At one point my boss stepped in and gently reminded both me and my receptionist that she and I work in completely different ways – I’m looking at the bigger picture and she’s focusing on each bit individually.  I’m working in a mess but it’s not chaos.  The receptionist cannot stand a hair out of place.  The receptionist tends to forget anything she leaves on the floor by her desk (and we have lots of files to convert) and has injured herself by tripping over boxes and slammed her hand in a cupboard door because she didn’t move the files sitting in front of the cupboard.  On the other hand, I’ve had piles of files 2 and 3 feet high – just waiting to be organised and given to the appropriate people to convert to the new system.  My boss just wanted us to appreciate that we’re both different and that we need to keep our perspective.  Now, I have to say I really respect this woman.  I am trying to learn as much as I can from her about how to manage people.  It was a perfectly reasonable conversation to have and I appreciated it.

After this, one of my accountants came to me and said that there was another essential bit that didn’t make it to the new file.  I told her that I’d find the missing bit.  No harm done.  Next thing I know, the accountant is asking my receptionist (who had indeed misallocated part of the file) to find it.  I didn’t know who to get more angry at: the accountant for not leaving it with me or the receptionist who will no doubt fret even more over the news that she’d made another mistake.

Finally, just when I’m struggling with the urge to strangle my receptionist, she’s started stepping on my toes with regards to running the project.  She’s trying to teach the second personal slave how to do things and I keep (gently) stepping in and doing it.  She’s been trying to organise the second personal slave’s pay and I’ve had to (gently) step in and tell her that it’s in hand – I’ve been doing it.  She’s pestered and pestered to see my holiday notes that I’ve given my boss.  I (gently) told her that these are with our boss.  My concern with the holiday notes in particular wasn’t just that she was stepping on my toes but also that she can barely cope with the slim part of the project she’s been given to do.  If she’s not sleeping now, what on Earth makes her think that she can cope with archiving everything while I’m away?

I’m grateful for the upcoming Staycation if only to get away from that daft cow!!  She’s the same one who, when I make the mistake of mentioning endometriosis, says “Why don’t you just…” – a most hated phrase if you have a chronic illness.  Honestly, does she think that I’ve not TRIED everything that her obtuse mind could think of to handle the symptoms??

I feel a little better after a good vent.  I can’t help but feel that I deserve a holiday after managing not to commit receptionicide!  Focusing on the positive, I’ve got a relaxing fortnight planned with my darling husband Helios.  The first week we’re not doing much of anything.  Then we’ll nip down South to collect Helios’s son Apollo.  Once here, we’ll show him around a bit and take him toLondon.  I’m so looking forward to seeing him again.  Bless him.  He does make me laugh.

Foxy

Working through a Chronic Illness

Thanks to my dear sister for recommending the linked website below.

I have periodically struggled with raising awareness of my chronic illnesses.  In some situations the act of talking about chronic illness does more than raise awareness, it can become a black mark against you – a burden to which you have to work against.  Bearing in mind we have so much to cope with, we could do without the increase in discrimination that inevitably comes with talking about chronic illness at work.

So many of us have no option but to work despite any symptoms we may experience.  As well as posting reasonably regularly on my blog, I also have a full-time job as a secretary and regularly bake treats in order to raise money for various charities.

While I want to raise awareness and money for my chosen charities: Endometriosis UK and Verity – PCOS Charity, I work full time and need to have my working life as stress-free as possible.  It would seem perfectly logical to talk to friends at work and raise awareness.  However, I don’t want to be seen as remotely incapable.  Because I talk to people at work about chronic illness, I regularly over-work myself just to ensure that no one could ever get the hint that I may be enduring symptoms.  It’s little wonder that I spend a good portion of my weekends in bed recuperating.  It’s the price I pay for trying to have it all.

The link my sister shared tells of the inspirational story of US  Rep Gabrielle Giffords who returned to work after being shot in the head in January.  Of course, not all of us will be hailed as heroes when we return to work after achieving a diagnosis although we truly ought to be.

As much as I agree that returning to work is a good idea: psychologically it’s better to have something other than symptoms to focus on and to have goals outside; however, there are times when work simply isn’t an option.  I would hate to think that we would be encouraged to feel guilty about being unable to return to work.  Yet, I’m sure that’s the problem a lot of us face.  In a society that encourages everyone to “Figure out a way to keep working”, it’s too easy to blame yourself if you are incapable of handling the rigours of working life.

When I was first diagnosed I didn’t take a significant amount of time off work.  In fact, I had one week at home after my first surgery and went immediately back to full-time work.  I spent years trying to get the balance of my symptoms, medications and even surgeries right.  I struggled with my working life.  I had lots of side-effects from my numerous tablets.  My neural-inhibitors in particular were very odd to get accustomed to.  I felt vague and woolly-headed.  Needless to say, it was inevitable that I was making a number of mistakes at work.

Even though I struggled, I insisted on working through the issues without discussing my issues with anyone at work.  Perhaps I would have come away from that place feeling better about the organisation had I forced them to acknowledge my limitations and discuss ways of making my working life easier.   However because I did not feel comfortable discussing any weaknesses that I may be experiencing, we will never know if it really was the right decision to hold back that essential information.

Of course now that I finally have a pain management and hormone management programme in place, I am more capable of handling moderate amounts of work stress.  It must be noted that it’s taken a number of years to get to this point.  These years for me were spent struggling with changing relationships in my private life, struggling with the various symptoms and side-effects, struggling with a full-time job, struggling with the stress I put on myself to seem normal.

While I think that a job can be beneficial for those of us with a chronic illness, it is essential that we treat ourselves gently, to have realistic expectations of ourselves and to ensure that we aren’t damaging our health by “figuring out a way to keep working”.

Foxy

Five Things Friday

1. Today is my step-son’s birthday so I’d like to send out a Happy Birthday to Apollo!  I’m so looking forward to seeing you again!
2. I like drying clothes on the line.  Summer fresh!
3. The flat is finally nearly ready for Apollo’s visit.  I’ve got the blow-up mattress ready, the sleeping bag is ready, I’ve got extra quilts just in case and I’ve got an extra pair of Helios’s pyjamas.
4. I was surprised yesterday afternoon when I saw the leaves of a tree start to look just a little yellow.  It’s only August – still summer in my book.  OK it’s a little cool for August but I’d not dreamt that leaves would be turning already.
5. I’ve started drinking chamomile and peppermint tea every evening.  I find it very relaxing.

Step Son, Apollo

As you know I’ve been looking forward to seeing Apollo for some time now!

We collected him yesterday and drove back home.  We didn’t really stop chatting the whole journey.  About half way, Apollo finally fell into stereotype and cheekily asked “Are we there yet?”  Although we sat in the usual queue near Stonehenge, it didn’t change the ultimate journey time much.

When we got home I took Apollo grocery shopping.  I wanted to make a meal that I knew he would eat.  He said more than once that he wasn’t that fussy an eater but the more I asked, the more I worried that I didn’t have anything in the house for him.  In the end we decided on a chilli con veggie (which he seems to like) and dip in tortilla chips.

We borrowed the tent from the neighbours and managed to put it up, eventually.  I couldn’t help but like the fact that we had a group activity to bond.

After putting up the tent and having dinner, we all curled up on the couch and watched a bit of TV.  Helios and I were tired after the long drive so we went to bed.  Apollo went to the tent and crashed.  We gave him a key to the flat in case he needed to get in overnight.

I don’t know yet how he slept but I hope he slept well.  He has a yoga mat under his sleeping bag and a pillow.  I had to fight to not fuss over him – “Make yourself at home, come back in and grab an extra blanket if you get cold.”  I gave him a hug and said “Thanks for coming.”

Today we’re planning going on the walk we used to do when Helios and I were dating.  Pub lunch and then another long walk on the way back.

Foxy

Apollo at Natural History Museum

Initially we thought we’d go to Greenwich  for the Natural Maritime Museum’s sword collection before heading to the Natural History Museum in South Kensington.  However, the significant gap between them made me re-think the day trip.  When forced to choose it was unanimous – we went to the Natural History Museum yesterday.  I am so glad we did!

What a great day!  We got there not long after it opened and still had to queue for about half an hour.  However, it didn’t seem terribly long at all and soon we were inside and pouring through the exhibits.  Currently there’s an “animal sexuality” exhibit which we avoided, but otherwise we saw everything.  We had a surprisingly tasty lunch there and after an information-packed few hours, we decided to head for home.

In particular, I enjoyed it because I managed to get some great photos of Apollo while he wasn’t looking.  OK, it’s not perfect because I didn’t get a great full-face shot, but bearing in mind he hates having his photo taken, I tried to get a few by stealth and managed reasonably well!

As a house guest Apollo is at the top.  When he finishes his food or drink he takes his dirty dishes through to the kitchen and runs water over them.  Although he seems terribly picky, so far he’s been very relaxed about the meals my kitchen has produced.  OK, I do worry that he’s doing himself harm by not eating breakfast and Helios griped when Apollo put his feet on the couch but these are minor issues.  Apollo will decide to eat breakfast when he fancies it and the sofa will survive all our smelly feet.

I love the fact that Apollo hasn’t complained about sleeping in a tent in the garden.  I love the fact that he’s willing to try anything he’s never eaten before – he tried a blackberry and pronounced it “SOUR!”  I love pottering in the kitchen while listening to Apollo and Helios chattering away.  I was keen that they get to know each other well while Apollo was here and it’s nice for me to see the process as it is happening.

Of course I enjoy Apollo’s company as well.  He’s polite, personable and funny.  He was even comfortable enough to ask why I had surgery.  I told him that (during my first marriage) I had three miscarriages and terrible pain so I had surgery and was diagnosed with endometriosis.  I saw him flinch – I suppose people do that when I just come out with such personal information so I didn’t go into detail.  I figure he’ll ask more questions if and when he’s interested in women’s health.

Today we’re planning to go shopping and dodge the rain that’s falling.

Foxy

Five things Friday

1. Helios and I love watching movies.  We regularly go to the cinema – mainly because Helios is the head of his “film club” at his office and they buy cinema tickets in bulk as part of their Social Club.  Otherwise we wouldn’t be able to afford tickets.  Helios likes to listen to Mark Kermode’s radio show.  Hello Jason Isaacs!
2. Generally speaking, there are Friday Markets in villages and towns all across the country.  In the village, Helios, Apollo and I had lunch at the local burger van at the market.  We had a bit of a wander in the village before heading home.
3. These elite food programmes always have an obligatory artistic smear of a sauce on a plate.  I hate that!!  How pretentious!
4. Apollo is currently travelling home.  Although I’d planned the trip down to (nearly) the last detail, some idiot at Waterloo Station thought it would be a good idea to pull the fire alarm.  Luckily we’d planned that Apollo leave so early that he’ll still make his connection to the South West in London.
5. I regularly need a pee in the night.  Unfortunately the flat is so small that I have to crawl over Helios to get to the toilet.  With Apollo only in the garden, I also had to ensure that I had a dressing gown on over my pyjamas before leaving the bedroom.  I didn’t encounter Apollo at all but didn’t feel comfortable without all my extra accoutrements in the night!

Foxy

The rest of Apollo’s visit

Yesterday we went to the city where I work and we did a bit of shopping.  We had to dodge the rain so shopping was the best option.  We got Apollo a couple of DVDs as his 20th birthday present.  Then we came back home and watched Shrek 4 and a couple of other films.

This morning we walked down the hill and into the village.  We got some bread and fed the ducks by the river, wandered up and down the High Street before arriving at the Friday market for a lunchtime burger.

Apollo has left and is now safely on the coach to the South West.  Although I warned Apollo that I may cry, I managed not to get too emotional at the train station.  Helios and I gave him a big hug before he hopped onto the train.  Apollo has kindly texted to keep us updated as to his travel progress.  We’re now waiting for his confirmation he’s made it home safely.

Some things I’ve learned about my gorgeous step-son: he talks almost incessantly.  No offence Mom, but Apollo rivals you for words per minute!  He told me that he talks when he gets excited – so I was delighted when he drew breath and relaxed a bit.  I want him to feel comfortable with us.

He is intelligent but lacks confidence.  He talks about wanting to go places and do things – learning languages, see the world, etc.  However, doesn’t seem to want to try to plan a way to go and see the world.  I received a voucher for a Teaching English as a Foreign Language course/qualification and suggested that this might be the way to see the world.  Apollo totally shot down the idea; he said he didn’t have the patience to teach.  I said that the voucher covered teaching adults as well as children but he still wasn’t interested.  There are a number of ways to achieve your lifelong goals and I know that travelling is so much easier when you are young and aren’t tied down with a relationship and a mortgage.  I’d probably have bought him the course (as the discount was that significant) just to get him started…

He has a negative outlook.  I can’t help but wonder if it’s tied with his lack of confidence.  He moans about working but he’s not working full-time.  He complained about the swing shift – even though he’s not working through the night.  The latest hour his shift ends is2am.  Considering my dad worked nights in a factory (If memory serves, it was from midnight to 6am.) I wasn’t impressed that he groaned about going home at 2am.  Then when Apollo’s work contacted him to give him more hours, he was negative about that.  I said that he must be good at what he does if they’re giving him more hours but he didn’t seem convinced.

He sees things in black and white.  While he did try blackberries for the first time with us, he is very particular about his food.  He’s a trained chef who doesn’t like nuts, celery, plain yogurt, salmon, risotto, or honey cooked ham.  That’s just what I remember off the top of my head.  It seemed like any time I turned around he’d say “I don’t like that.”  As much as I don’t mind catering for someone who is a bit picky, I find it truly odd that he’s a trained chef and seems to not like food.

At one point I suggested that I take him food shopping and he could choose what to buy and he could cook it.  I was a little disappointed that he didn’t take me up on my offer but, bearing in mind his confidence, I didn’t make a big deal of it.  Instead we had leftover chicken stroganoff and another nice chat.

It’s not just food that he’s black and white with.  He is like this with a lot of things: he’s atheist and won’t consider any religion to have merit; he has no interest in seeing some films even if they come highly recommended; and he only seems to read one genre of book – nothing else is good enough.

Bearing in mind one of the main goals for the visit was just to get to know him, I think we achieved it.  For the record, some of this post may sound negative but I’m not judging him harshly.  A lack of confidence isn’t insurmountable.  He just needs to appreciate what good qualities he has.  Getting to know someone requires time and patience.  He’s a great house-guest (or should I say tent-guest?) and I’m looking forward to seeing him again.

Foxy

Struggling

I’m sorry to say that my dad died.  I am unable to attend his funeral.   I’m in a bit of a mess about it.   I am finding some comfort in writing about it but may not publish what I’m writing for some time…

Foxy

Dad’s Death

I’m still struggling after the death of my father.

I’ve managed two days after work and actually enjoyed the distraction.  The people at work have been terribly supportive.  One of the girls gave me a small bouquet of roses and carnations – which are the flowers Mom took to the funeral from me.  I think everyone said that they were sorry to hear my sad news.  The partner I work for sat down and just listened to me talk a couple of times – it’s unusual for her to listen to anyone so I was well impressed.  My boss sent me home early because I got into the office so early.

Helios has been great as well.  We have had a lot of much-needed cuddling.

I’m trying to maintain my optimistic outlook.  Although I was unable to attend the funeral, I will be speaking to my Dad’s brother on Sunday.  Mom has arranged to see a couple Dad’s family members to get some photos for me.  Trouble is that when I immigrated to England I could only bring what I could carry.  I have some photos of all my family – but I’d love more.

However, I still cry when I think that I missed Dad’s funeral.  It’s agony for a number of reasons: I wanted to be sure that my Dad’s family know that I wanted to be there.  I also missed my family standing around and telling stories.  I’m Dad’s only child so I have to rely on my memories until I get to see some family again.  I have found that writing has helped a bit.  Pouring my memories onto a page is cathartic.

Foxy

Missing Dad

It’s been over a week since my dad died.  I couldn’t go to the funeral so instead sat at home and cried while looking at photographs.  Mom went in my place and I asked her to see if she could collect some photos from his brothers for me.  I’m not saying I don’t have photos, I am saying that I emigrated and only brought with me what I could carry.  More photos would be nice.

Mom rang me after the funeral.  She said Dad looked great.  Everyone in the family said how big he’d gotten but Mom didn’t see it.  Bless.  She always was very tactful but I knew he was large, even by American standards.  She recognised most of the family but had to be re-introduced to a few.  Bearing in mind that she was divorced from Dad over 35 years ago, I’m impressed she recognise anyone as I’d have thought they all would have changed a lot.  She said the service was lovely.  She took a couple of pictures of the gravestone and of the flowers that I’d sent – carnations and roses.  It was a beautiful bouquet.

What made Mom and me laugh was that a couple of Dad’s ex-girlfriends went to the funeral to pay their respects.  I think that Dad would have liked that – family, friends and a harem of three attended his funeral.

The day after the funeral I went back to work – as I only got two days compassionate leave.  I worked Thursday and Friday this past week.  I struggled but was, in some ways, relieved for the distraction of work.  I’m working on finishing a huge filing project so all I did for two days was archiving.  OK, I stopped for a cry from time to time but I made the effort and that’s what counts.

Thursday morning I was first in the office.  There was a small bouquet of pink roses and carnations from one of the girls and, of course, all I could do was cry – especially as those were the flowers that I’d sent to pay my respects.  At least I was in the office alone and had enough time to pull myself together before everyone else arrived.

Dad had Parkinsons Disease from a shockingly early age.  It must have been awful to be diagnosed with something that will kill you slowly and remove so much of your mental capacity.  For a few years we hoped that medical science would come up with a cure but stem cells haven’t yet yielded successful results.

The first symptom was a tremor.  He said he felt it in his left (he was left-handed) thumb but I first noticed it when his left hand was incapable of stopping.  You know how ice tends to stick to the bottom of a glass?  He could shake that stuff loose without any effort at all!  At one point we went to one of those professional portrait people, I remember it clearly because I had to hold his hand to keep it still.  Parkinsons crept through his body steadily: his right hand began to shake, then his feet and legs and he began to have problems walking…

One of the side effects of his many medications was the faces he would pull.  I’m sure part of the reason I have such an expressive face is because I used to mimic him.  I stopped mimicking him after he said “Are you making fun of me?”  He didn’t understand that I was trying to be like him.

Parkinsons not only made Dad shake.  He had dementia and paranoia and regularly hallucinated.  In the end he suffered more than anyone ought to – more than my worst enemy ought to.  He had Parkinsons for over half his life.  He was only 66 when he died.

I’ll try to remember the good times.  When I was young he used to take me to McDonalds of an evening and, when I’d call him “fatso” he’d never got angry, he’d just call me “skinnyso”.  I’d mock his thick 70s moustache and laugh at his platform cowboy boots.  Despite my scorn, Dad never got angry.  He’d just come back with a silly retort – “Shazam!” and I knew he didn’t take it personally.  It was moments like this when he’d say “I love you” not by saying “I love you” but by calling me “Daughtershine”.

I was a bit older when I arrived at his house to find that he’d taped the college basketball game on the TV – “you have to see this”!  I was grateful he’d taped it.  We’d won the game in the last seconds when our player threw the ball from the halfway line – a successful last-ditch effort.  Dad and I shouted and punched the air together.

Thanks for everything Dad.  You may not have been able to give me monetary things but you gave me the ability to laugh at myself.  I’m sorry I wasn’t a better daughter to you.  I know you wanted grandchildren.  I know I was a disappointment.  I’m sorry for that.  I miss you.

Foxy

Five Things Friday

1. I’ve asked for photos from my dad’s family – I expect it’s the only thing that they can give me now that he’s gone.
2. Dad only came to England once and he took lots of photos of road signs.  I don’t know why.
3. Dad said that if I ever needed SERIOUS help that I just needed to call him and call him “Father” and he would understand.  I don’t know what he thought he would do but I expect it calmed his mind that he and I had a code…
4. Dad had a younger brother who died just a few days before I was born.  At the same time The Beatles had a hit with “Let it be”.  Although he was an Elvis fan, he always liked that Beatles tune.
5. After I was first married to the first husband, Dad would ring me and insist that I have babies.  “Are you pregnant?” was his usual conversation opener, followed quickly by “You’re my seed”.  I expect he got tired of asking for grandchildren after a while.  I wanted babies in my 20s but decided against it with my first husband.  Helios offered to have children with me but “you have to want it 110%”.  It was hard to be honest with myself but I really didn’t want children – I enjoy having fun now and I’m not guilty about being selfish in this regard at all.

Foxy

Dreams and other updates

I’ve had some strange dreams lately.  The scariest started with me out shopping.  I went from a grocery store where I had some cherry tomatoes from the previous store.  I was in a quandary: I wanted the tomatoes to be cold but I didn’t want to put them down.  No.  I don’t know about the significance of that one.  Perhaps I just feel a bit here and there at the moment.

A bit more shopping later I found myself in front of a place selling TVs.  There was a little boy sacrificing himself by walking into a room that’s about to be set on fire.  I stood there, unable to move while watching him burn to death while he said “Beware of fire.  Fire is dangerous.”  It was very disturbing!  Needless to say I broke down and had a good boo the next day in the office.  There’s only so much a girl can take, you know.

More recently, accompanying the usual search for a toilet in my dreams, I was at work but my office was in an airplane and I was working for superheroes.  Again, I don’t know where that came from but it was very intense as I ran/floated around the office!

Last weekend was a bank holiday weekend in England and I took the opportunity of an extra weekend day to have my period.  I spent most of the weekend rocking to and fro on the sofa and creaking to and from the toilet.  I took my usual tablets and they worked reasonably well!  I’m in shock about that, I can tell you!!  I am surmising that the period wasn’t too bad because I’m still in shock over Dad’s death – heartache overtaking physical pain.

This week at work wasn’t so traumatic.  Of course I cried in the office but that’s to be expected.  I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself right now.  I’m getting by.  I think it’s what Dad would want.

I promise I’ll stop going on about Dad and moaning.  As you know, moaning really isn’t in my nature but I doubt I’ll ever feel the same after this.  It’s as if there was a safety net beneath me that I completely took for granted.  I knew it wouldn’t be there forever but didn’t appreciate it enough.  Now it’s gone.  Now he’s gone.  I’ll never be able to ask those questions that kids only think of after a parent dies.  I’ll never be able to ask him to forgive me never having children.  I’ll never be able to tell him I appreciated him taking me fishing when I was a kid.

On a more positive note, Helios and I had an argument.  I think it was our first.  As always, arguments start with miscommunications.  When Dad first died, I told Helios that I didn’t want to be treated any differently.  So a few days later when Helios was still cracking jokes, I was feeling more delicate and didn’t appreciate it.  I marched out of the flat in a fit of two-year-old tantrum.  I went somewhere quiet and wondered why he was treating me like nothing had happened and I realised: he needed an update on how I was feeling and what I need.

I walked back to the flat and cried as I told him that I thought I was in shock when I told him that I wanted to be treated the same as always.  Now I’m happy to put on a façade that I’m coping at work, but at home I needed to be able to be vulnerable so that I am better able to be strong in public.  We had a fantastic long hug and I cried on his shoulder.  Since then he’s been as supportive as I could ever want.  Yes Helios, I’m still feeling delicate but, thanks to your help I’m stronger today than I was yesterday.

Foxy

Let it be

It was just over a week before I was born when my Dad’s brother died in a car accident.  Because I never knew Uncle T, I could only surmise what he was like.  I was too young to know what questions to ask to know his essential personality.  (Which reminds me – I really must make a list of questions to ask my family before I travel to the US!)  I know he was a big man, and in those days his size was unusual.  If he had a similar car accident these days he probably would have survived.

Uncle T was buried in a village in the Midwest of the United States close to where the family lived not long before I was born.  I’m sure my arrival – along with the fact I had 10 fingers and 10 toes – mitigated their pain.  Someone died, someone else lived.

During that time The Beatles had their Number One hit “Let it be”.  Although I think it was written by Paul McCartney to help him say goodbye to The Beatles, my father found the song helped him in his grief.  I gave him a cassette tape with Beatles tunes on for Father’s Day one year.  Dad told me about his brother and how he died before I was born.  It’s strange how essential details of our existence arrive into our lives as if by accident: had I given him something else I’d never know…

Consequently, I’m finding that “Let it be” is helping me.  Dad is now resting beside his brother in the cemetery just outside the village.  A pathetic few words indicate that he existed.  A few sad numbers clock the days he spent living in this world.  A happy likeness adorns his stone – a photograph taken when he was 18.  He was full of promise then.  He didn’t have Parkinsons then.

“And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be.”

When I was younger I used to think that Uncle T was a kind of guardian angel to me: I was told that he was keen on meeting me but never managed it.  Whether Uncle T was looking out for me or not, the fact that someone in the family died so close to my birth has always reminded me that we have to focus on the positives in our existence.  Someone dies, someone else is born.  There is a balance of pain and joy.  We would never fully appreciate happiness without suffering.

I’m the kind of person who, while I find suffering as difficult as everyone else, likes the cyclical nature of existence.  I always know what to expect – there will always be pain and joy throughout our lives.  You can’t have one without the other.

After all those years, losing his brother was such a traumatic experience that Dad got emotional when he heard “Let it be” that Father’s Day.  I think I’ll always cry when I listen to “Let it be” too.

“There will be an answer, let it be”

Foxy

 

Question: Why me?

Many apologies for the delay on this post.  I started writing it a few weeks ago and it has been delayed by the death of my dad.  I’m still grieving but am trying to get back to my normality.

Normality for someone with endometriosis starts and ends with pain.  For some of us, it’s incessant.  We live in constant pain or dread of pain.  In some ways I can’t help but think it would be easier to get it all over with in one go: rip the bandage off.  Unfortunately life isn’t like that for those of us with endometriosis.  We have to endure an endless roundabout of pain, no pain, dread of pain, and pain again.  Unfortunately, Chronically Creative knows all about “Why me?”  She’s particularly eloquent with this blog post.

When I was struggling with my symptoms and achieved a diagnosis of my multiple chronic illnesses I couldn’t help but ask why me?  At that point in my life I was married to the first husband and struggled with my symptoms alone.  I felt helpless.  I felt angry.  Unfortunately, before I became a bit more relaxed with my conditions “Why me?” was a regular question that passed through my mind.

The original ending of this blog post went like this:

These days I don’t ask “Why me?” anymore.  Instead I’ve learned to accept my fate.  I’m not delighted with my illnesses but I have to focus on the positive or I’ll find myself in the middle of depression again.  My endometriosis, PCOS and insulin resistance is as much a part of me as my left arm.  I’ve had to learn how to love my flaws as well as qualities.  My illnesses remind me to delight in my healthy days.  My illnesses give me empathy – much more than others.  Empathy makes me a better person.  No matter what’s made me a good person, I’m glad for it.

However, after my dad lost his fight with Parkinsons at the tender age of 66, I cannot end the subject where I originally stopped.  With Dad gone, I am reminded that “Why me?” is a destructive question.  Dad used to ask “Why me?”  He was a spiritual man but was dogged by a disease that no one should have to endure.  Consequently, “Why me?” became a barrier to accepting his predicament.  In spending time trying to find out why he never found the answer: why not?

I say the answer is “Why not?” because everyone suffers.  If struggling and suffering is an essential part of human existence, why shouldn’t I suffer?  Why should I be singled out to be the only one on the planet who lives a joyful life?  Wouldn’t a singularly joyful life leave me unable to appreciate the simple things like a pain-free day?  Wouldn’t a joyful life lead me to be an ungrateful person?  A pain-free life would leave me unable to make light of woe.  A pain-free life would leave me a shallow half-human.

Because I would be shallow and unable to appreciate the suffering of others, I would not be a good person.  I would be selfish.  I would be self centred.  I would not be someone I respect.  Just think: how much suffering could we alleviate if we applied the “Many hands make light work” rule discussed by Confucius?

Of course I don’t have to like suffering, but I have to appreciate it for what it is: a prerequisite of humanity.

Wishing you many pain-free days!

Foxy

A more innocent time… 11th September 2011

I grew up in the Midwest United States.  It’s a flat region.  The land is flat – like a piece of paper.  Indeed, it could be considered to be flatter thanNorwich!  The land is vast and featureless.  There the farmers grow corn and beans.  In fact, have you ever seen North by Northwest?  You remember the bit where the protagonist is running away from the airplane that’s coming?  That was filmed in my region!

The winters are unspeakably cold and are characterised by snowstorms so violent that you can’t see your hand at the end of your arm; ice storms that create beautiful but deadly sculptures on the trees and fences; and wind that makes snow drift like sand in a dessert.  It can be a cruel place to live.  I think the people who stay have a rugged determined streak.  The place has a beautiful barren quality in the winter.  If you grow up there, you can’t help but be a strong individual.

The summers are equally taxing.  I will say it’s hot but that is something of an understatement.  It’s a sweltering hot.  The humidity, without a cloud in the sky, can easily reach 98%, 99% and even 100%.  Imagine a Turkish bath but with the sun beating down on your head…  As an Englishwoman, my first instinct is to open the windows in the flat if I’m hot but in theUSI close everything and turn on the air conditioning.  For example, I remember my ex had a hard time with this concept; I’d notice he’d open the window of the car and I’d tell him to close it again: it was hotter outside!  It’s little wonder that we don’t spend a lot of time in the sun!

I grew up in a more innocent time.  Terrorism was something that happened to other people in other places.  As much as I see that Americans were wrong for believing that two oceans would keep out the madness, at the time I didn’t appreciate the cocoon that I lived in.

On September 11^th 2011, with 5 hours time difference, it was the afternoon when I first got an email from a friend about the attacks.  The first thought was that it was a tragic accident.  The next few hours, with yet another plane and another plane going down, we all wondered with horrified awe “What next?”  Although I didn’t know anyone there, I couldn’t help but cry.

My ex husband was due to be on a conference call with someone in the World Trade Centre and, frustrated, he left the meeting room to find out why he couldn’t get through to find no one could get through to New York.

A few months later my ex and I travelled to the South of France.  We overheard some Americans behind us in a queue talking about the new and severe safety procedures put in place when they travelled.  My ex – in a very loud voice – said “New Yorkers got what they deserved on September 11^th – they’ve been funding the IRA for decades!”  While my ex believed the attacks were a consequence of meddling in international politics, I focused on the future.

At the time I said to anyone who would listen that we shouldn’t send troops over to Afghanistan and Iraq.  Because Americans felt they had to do something, I advocated sending over the Army Corps of Engineers to Afghanistan and building hospitals, schools, irrigation systems and roads to encourage farmers to become builders and, those that remained in farming, should be given help and advice from the Americans to ensure that they grew food – not poppies.

Of course having a more positive response wouldn’t cure the world’s ills, but we wouldn’t be in the mess we are today had we looked at September 11^th as an opportunity to break out of our cocoons, to show that we value life equally across the world, to provide inspiration for the politics of understanding and forgiveness.  Sometimes it’s a good idea to draw a line under something horrible and, by doing something positive in response, the world benefits.

Ten years later my life is a million times better than it was back then: I’m married to the love of my life; I have my multiple diagnoses for my chronic illnesses and, thanks to plenty of time and effort, I manage them reasonably well; and I live in a quiet village and enjoy a relatively stress-free life.  Unfortunately, some people haven’t had such a positive decade.

Peace to you and yours.

Foxy

 

Accepting Suffering

Even before my father’s death I have been rethinking a lot of things.  I still consider myself a Christian but have found comfort with Buddhism.  So many people question God and ask “Why me?” – which is understandable if you have Parkinsons and you know it will kill you eventually.  However, I do believe that because Dad was never cured, and I know how bitter he was towards the end, perhaps he would have coped better with a bit of Buddhism.

 

One of the first points of Buddhism is that suffering is a natural part of life.  It’s not something that we can get away from.  For example, the story goes that there was a woman who had a baby but the baby died.  She goes to the Buddha and says “You’ve got to help me.  I’m at the end of my rope.  I don’t know what to do next.  I’m so depressed!”  (Aside: I just love the fact that even all those centuries ago people wanted a quick fix to their problems!)  The Buddha said “I can help you but you need to do something for me first.  I need a mustard seed from the house in the village where no one has suffered.”  So the grateful woman trots back to her village and proceeds to interrogate everyone there.  She quickly discovers that every home had experienced suffering.  She even discovered that some people had suffered more than she did.  She never obtained a mustard seed but she did gain comfort…

 

Buddhists do not believe in a deity.  Without a deity you are liberated from the question “Why me?”  You are liberated from the notion that you are being punished for some sin that you may or may not have committed.  Instead you are forced to try to make good your life as it is today.   As with my dad having Parkinsons, sometimes there is no good reason for what happens to people.  There may not be a deity out there judging every move you make and meting out punishments according to each wrongdoing.

 

I find this thought comforting with bearing the burdens of my illnesses as well as bearing the burden of my father’s short and troubled life.  I try to make today matter.  I try to live my life in a way that I can justify.  I try to make the world a better place for everyone I meet – from the strangers I smile at on the street to my family who I try to protect.  I hope that by doing good things, that good things will come to those I love.  Karma: what goes around comes around.  Of course that’s not what happens to some people but, for the most part, it’s been my experience.  I’ve had a few hard years but now I’m having a few easier years.  All things considered, I consider myself lucky when I have enough of a support system to help me carry my woes.

 

I hope that when I go back to Christianity, I am accepted back with open arms.  You know what I mean, I mean that tingling feeling I get when I pray for forgiveness of the things I have done and the forgiveness of the things I’ve left undone.  For the moment, I’m looking into new ideas and applying that which I feel is right to my life.  Perhaps a new view of suffering is just what I needed?

Foxy

Life imitates humour

I had my most recent cervical smear this week.  It’s never pleasant but I was shocked at how my life imitates my humour.  Some time ago I kept going back to the doctor for another smear and yet another smear.  They never seemed to get enough cells for a proper sample.  I joked that the real reason they couldn’t get a proper sample was because I’d hidden my cervix in my left underarm.

This time I went and when the girls who were taking the samples had a hard time finding my cervix I told them that I’d hidden it from them.  I’ll bet they’ve never heard that one before!

There was an event of note during the exercise: they said “It’s moving!  It’s moving!”  Trying to relax while you have implements in there is difficult enough but I probably prolonged the agony when I imagined they were chasing my cervix around the room!  Note to self: stop giggling!!

Foxy

Glamour

Thanks to Endometriosis Awareness Campaign for sharing this link.

I’m about to go over old history – you’ve been warned!

How is it that any of us have to wait for years and years for a diagnosis?  I don’t recall when my first symptoms of PCOS appeared but I’d say puberty because I occasionally get skin tags in my underarms and I remember first noticing that when I was shaving.

The symptoms for Endometriosis are easier to pinpoint.  I started my periods when I was 12 and I was in so much pain that I would vomit.  That was 28 years ago.  The doctor at the time said to my mother (who was terrified that I had something serious like appendicitis), “It’s just cramps.  She needs to take painkillers in order to get on top of the pain before she starts vomiting.”  How can any doctor believe that a kid vomiting from pain is normal??

I am still disgusted that some women reading this article in Glamour will accurately identify themselves as someone with PCOS or Endometriosis when doctors cannot.

How can we possibly hope for a cure when doctors are still unable to diagnose us??

Foxy

National Health Service

As you know I’ve always been an advocate of the National Health Service.  I think it’s a fair way to allocate funding for illness and a sign of a civilised society.

Let’s talk about funding for a health service for a moment.  I’m originally from the US but now live in the UK.  I currently hold down a decent full-time job.  Last year I had 3 days off work sick.  I am a productive member of society.  Technically speaking I ought to be able to afford any sort of health care payments.  So why do I prefer NHS?

I dislike ambiguity in my life.  For example, Helios and I have a mortgage that we pay every month.  When we took out the loan, I insisted that we have a repayment mortgage at a fixed percentage rate: I wanted to be sure that we know what the outgoings are every month and that the flat would be ours at the end of the term.  A state-funded health care system provides me with the same concrete certainty: I know what I must pay every month and I know that my policy will cover me throughout my life at a rate that I can afford.

I am not at the mercy of an insurance company that can change my status from “healthy” to “unhealthy” on a diagnosis and therefore require me to pay more in premiums than I cannot afford.  Although I am a productive member of society, I have a number of chronic illnesses.  Since 2005 I have had three laparoscopic surgeries and a raft of prescriptions to treat PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Endometriosis, Depression and lichen planus: a stress-related skin condition.  Had I remained in the US, I cannot imagine being able to afford adequate healthcare despite the fact that I am healthy enough to be a productive member of society.

A state-funded health service ensures that everyone has the health care they need in a reasonable timeframe.  People who are less healthy are not penalised for their situation.  Everyone pays what they can reasonably afford.  Everyone is covered no matter what their condition.  It’s concrete coverage.

A state-funded health service ensures that my money isn’t going to greedy corporations.  I compare insurance companies to banks: they’re only out for themselves.  How can anyone afford adequate healthcare when insurance companies are essentially middle-men who get paid to ensure sky-rocketing prices?

In the National Health Service there are no hidden extras: I go to the doctor when I need to, as often as I need to and walk out the door after the appointment.  No need to stop at reception and get out my credit card.  I go to the pharmacy and pay a flat fee for each of my prescriptions.  When I compare this with the US system, many insurance policies require patients to call to authorise appointments and treatment and, to add insult to injury, only cover a percentage of treatment.  To my mind, what is good for insurance companies is bad for patients.

The last time I mentioned the NHS I had a number of volatile comments.  I was surprised at the venom I instigated: as if I didn’t pay for healthcare.  Please remember that I pay for my health care.  I pay my taxes.  My country has cut out the middle-man of the insurance industry and my taxes go directly to the NHS.  I do not begrudge paying taxes when I know that my tax money is funding projects that I am happy to fund: the NHS is at the top of that list.  Thanks to the National Health Service, I am not over-burdened financially and am a successful member of society.

I think the US system is fundamentally flawed.  How would I have coped with all my health problems if I had to pay a bill on top?  It’s an extra stress that those of us with chronic illnesses do not need.  Please remember that I have illnesses.  I didn’t ask for my health problems.  Thanks to my steadfast National Health Service, I will remain a positive member of society for many years to come.

Foxy

Head Cold

After Dad died I’ve thrown myself into work and (unsurprisingly) within a month I’ve got a nasty head-cold.  It started with a fever and being unable to breathe.  Saturday night I slept on the sofa – so I could get the right angle to be able to breathe.

I know it’s completely natural to be down and run-down after a shock.  My cold has done nothing good for my feeling down.  I don’t want to say that I’m feeling depressed because I’ve been depressed and I don’t want to feel that way again.  Despite what I want and despite what I act like at work, I do feel down.

I’m trying to let go feeling angry at Dad’s disease – not always easy.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of feeling angry.  I’m tired of the sense of loss.  I’m tired of wondering if Dad was disappointed in me for not giving him grandchildren.  I’m wishing Dad and I communicated better.  I wish that Parkinsons hadn’t taken so much of him…  I sometimes wish I lived closer – if only to have a better relationship with him.  In the end, he was only a bloke and, as with most blokes, he just didn’t communicate terribly well.

So I’m sitting here on the sofa coughing.  I’m watching old movies and reading a book that Helios gave me.

Foxy

I have a strange hatred of a fork

All our forks are the same – nicely weighted with a slightly wide neck – except for one we appear to have acquired somewhere along the line.  It’s close to the rest of ours but isn’t the same.  The neck is more narrow, it’s got too much of a curve and the weight is all wrong.  I’m sure I sound completely insane but I hate that thing.

Foxy

Daily News

I had a hard week this past week.  I had a head and chest cold from Saturday to, well now really.  I was well enough to go back to work on Wednesday though and struggled through the last three days.  It’s little wonder that I caught a cold: I’m still very up and down with my grief so it’s little wonder that I am a bit run-down.

While I was off work I was feeling terrible – mentally as well as physically – so I watched some films I’ve been meaning to see for some time but haven’t been in the right mood.  The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas was great and the ending nearly had me vomiting but the basic premise was wrong.  The camp commander’s family lived near enough to the camp that his son could see the camp outside his bedroom window.  The son presumes it’s a farm and, although he’s told not to, goes to visit.  And there lies my problem.  The Germans were far too efficient to allow a Jewish child to sit on his own for long and certainly wouldn’t allow an Arian child to sit and chat to an inmate.  I had to keep reminding myself of this fact afterwards in order not to dwell on it.

The other film I saw on Monday was Life is Beautiful.  Despite it being a holocaust film, it is life-affirming!  Completely unbelievable yet when the end comes, I found myself thinking “How’s he getting out of that?”

On Tuesday I saw Casablanca.  Have you ever seen it?  It’s more than just a love story.  Very very good.  Then I realised that I’d want to do myself in if I didn’t cheer up so then I saw a comedy which didn’t work well and was completely forgettable since I cannot remember which film I saw.  (!)

Wednesday at work was OK.  I really struggled in the morning but felt a bit stronger in the afternoon.  I was still coughing my way around the office but managed to stay the whole day.  Unfortunately we received an email saying that our free car parking was coming to an end as of the end of October.  That coupled with the fact that my friend who I’ve been carpooling with three days a week is retiring made me really start to panic about money.  I came home and started doing the numbers: should I get a train ticket or do the local Park and Ride?  The train is more reliable with winter coming but will mean that my feet will take a beating and I’m getting the same feet problems my mom has…   The Park and Ride costs about the same, I’ll walk almost as much but will mean that I can carry things more easily…  As you can see I’m still debating the pros and cons of my options…

Thursday was awful.  One of the partners from our head office came in, full of the joys of spring and said to me “Isn’t it a wonderful day?”  I looked at him and said “What’s so great about it?”  However, I really wanted to say “How do you think I’m going to afford to visit to my father’s grave next year now that my friend is retiring and you’ve taken away my free parking?” but managed to resist.  Biting your tongue is often a good option in the office.  He didn’t quite know what to say and left me alone.  His comment sent me into a foul mood on top of my coughing around the place.  I cried for a while in the toilet.  Lucky for me, my HR lady was in a meeting with him that morning and, when she emerged, she said that he truly hadn’t known that my dad had recently died.  So now I knew I had to brace myself: the guy isn’t a heartless bastard and I knew he would apologise.  Later that afternoon he apologised nicely and said that I must have thought him very insensitive.  Well, I said it’s OK, as you do, and that our HR lady had mentioned the conversation they’d had.  He was still being nice to me so I told him “Don’t be nice to me.”   I don’t know about you but I go to pieces when people are nice to me.  Well he laughed and said “Get back to work!  (pause)  No seriously…”  and he touched my arm and apologised again.  I went to pieces.  I HATE crying in the office.

That night Helios and I were meant to see the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain in concert but I asked him if we could skip it and cuddle on the couch instead.  I’ve seen DVDs of the band and would like to see them live (Their rendition of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” has to be heard to be believed!) but I just wasn’t up to it.  I don’t regret skipping it but hope to see them again at a point when I’m feeling better about life.

Luckily I had a dream where I was actually having fun on Thursday night – one of the symptoms of my polycystic ovaries is strange and vivid dreams.  I was at an office party where a number of other office parties were taking place.  (This happens a lot in the UK.)  As I’m organising my office Christmas Party this year, I think my brain was concentrating on that!  It was OK until I saw a popular girl from my high school.  When she turned up in my dream, all jet-lagged and unhappy, I went over to say hello.  Everyone in her office wanted to talk to me about UK/US differences and how I felt about living in the UK.  She didn’t talk to me much, which made me think that she was jealous which made me feel slightly superior.  I know it’s pathetic but after the day I had, just feeling competent was an achievement.  While I was chatting, the people from my office left so I went off to find them.  In another room there was a wave machine and I went surfing.  It was great fun and I woke up wondering if I should really be beating myself up as much as I do?

Friday at the office was easier: the head-honchos weren’t in and I got on with some filing.  I’m not looking forward to the next couple of weeks at work: my line manager (wonderful woman!) is on her fortnight break and I’ll be in charge of office admin.  I’ve been left plenty of notes and have been told to ring her if needs be.  Normally her going away is a little stressful but nothing I can’t handle.  I acknowledge I’m really not myself at the moment, however, and I hope I don’t struggle while she’s away.

Fingers crossed!

Foxy

Not Quite October

Firstly the weather this week has been extraordinary!  We’ve had a stunning week of sunshine and summery temperatures.  All my laundry is already done thanks to Helios putting everything on the line every morning.  The days in the office have been very trying – the unseasonable heat seems to make everything go slowly and all I want to do is sleep.

Despite the summery weather, the mornings have been cold and foggy.  My drive to work in the morning has been beautiful: wisps of fog were playing hide and seek amongst the trees and sunshine.

I’m currently in charge of the Admin Department at my office as my line manager has a fortnight’s break.  I’ve been very busy doing some of the things my boss usually does as well as the things I usually do.  The trouble I have is that I am currently responsible for the workload of the other admin girls and, while my friend who is retiring has plenty to be getting on with, I feel I cannot give anything to my receptionist.  She is the dim-witted one who said “Why don’t you just…” when I made the mistake of discussing endometriosis in the office.  Her heart is generally in the right place and I have to remind myself of this fact regularly when she drives me a little crazy.  I’ve trained her to do things and I leave her to do it when I think she understands but she doesn’t write it down and then asks again.  So when I asked her if she wanted to write this down, she got out some post-it notes.  Very disappointing.  I have a bible of instructions so I always know what to do in any given situation.  OK, it’s just a short-hand notebook but it’s mine and I refer to it when required.  How is she meant to refer to a post-it note?  Grrrrrrrrrrr.  I didn’t correct her.  I thought it would be a good idea to let her make mistakes so that she’ll learn from them the hard way.

I’m preparing for my friend to retire and dreading her leaving.  She’s the one I carpool with three times a week and I’ve gotten to know her reasonably well over the past (almost) two years.  I’m going to miss her.  I did the shopping for retirement presents on Thursday and Friday.  She asked for some jewellery so she’ll get that as well as a corporate gift certificate.

On Wednesday Helios and I had a meeting with the rest of the residents in our building.  I was apprehensive about it but didn’t need to be.  We do have issues but these usually arise from new residents, for instance, not being aware of what we can and cannot put in the recycle bins.  Out of the six flats we’ve had three change hands in the past 4 months so the meeting was timely!  Just one or two meetings sorts minor issues.

Recently I’ve been in touch with Sandy Keith who talks candidly and lovingly about the loss of her husband to Parkinsons.  Bearing in mind my dad recently died of Parkinsons, reading her blog is a comfort to me.

First thing Saturday Helios and I went to collect a new Henry Hoover.  I had the old one for over a decade so we got exactly the same machine again.  I was so excited that I dove into the box when we got it home and immediately tried it out.  Wonderful!  Not only does it work as well as the first one but it has a new feature or two that I couldn’t help but play with.  Now, the Law of Sod states that if the weather is good during the week, chances are it will rain at the weekend.  However, the rest of my Saturday was spent enjoying the sunshine and having a tidy.  I just love accomplishing things!

Last night Helios and I went to see The Pub Landlord.  For my Mom, The Pub Landlord is a character created by a comedian.  This character is xenophobic (“If we lived without rules where would we be?  That’s right: France!”), sexist (“The only two acceptable professions for a woman are nurse and secretary.”) and rude with his audience.  Helios and I have seen a few comedians live and we regularly shout out answers to questions.  So when The Pub Landlord said “Do we have anyone in from overseas?”  He got a few answers but nothing nearly as spectacular as my answer “I was American.”  He quizzed me for a few seconds and pronounced that he liked me and said I put the “ish” in British.  I needed the laugh and so was delighted that we went.  Thanks Helios, for buying the tickets!

Foxy

Autumn Arrived

The beginning of this past week was unseasonably warm.  I wore a dress to work – no cardigan, jacket or other warm clothing required.  Then it rained overnight on Wednesday and the temperatures have plummeted.  The heating is on in the flat and I’m curled up on the sofa with Helios under a sweatshirt and blankets.

It’s been a busy week!  Monday night Helios and I went to see “The Debt” at the cinema after work.  I enjoyed it.  Without giving anything away, it’s a film about three Nazi-hunters.

On Wednesday, I organised presents and the presentation for my friend’s retirement at work.  On top of this it was “billing week” so I had work coming out of my ears!  My friend would do a bill or two and then answer yet another email from someone sending best wishes.  As she’d been with the company for over 22 years, she had a lot of well-wishers!  I couldn’t tell her off though, at least she was able to help: my receptionist who is as dumb as a box of rocks is unable to do any part of billing.

After work on Wednesday we trooped over to the pub for my friend’s retirement party.  I advised against it, but she bought food for all of us that night.  She’s a painfully generous woman and I’ve appreciated her making me feel welcome at the company.  I’ll miss her.  For the moment, however, I’m living in denial that she’s gone.  She’s going on holiday to Las Vegas in the next week or two so I’ll make sure to get the full story upon her return…

Thursday at work was just as busy as every other day.  After work I saw T & L again.  I meet up with this couple of friends regularly throughout the year but this time was the first since Dad’s death.  When we get together we meet at T’s house and she makes the first two courses.  L and I take it in turns to bring desserts or wine.  This time I brought a dark Belgian chocolate cake and a coffee cake.  I had a lovely evening.  It was the first time I’ve met the girls since Dad’s death and they suggested that we three get together and do something to commemorate Dad’s life – whatever I want to do.  You just can’t beat friends like that, eh?  I’m contemplating their offer…

As you may remember, I have very vivid dreams.  Thursday night I dreamt I was in the house that Dad built for his second wife.  I was standing in the kitchen looking down the hall.  Helios walked from my old bedroom to the bathroom wearing a white and blue striped dressing gown.  Then Dad walked from his bedroom to the kitchen.  He was carrying a baby-sized me.  There was no doubt in my mind that the baby was me.  I was watching him kiss me and coochy-coochy-coo my baby-sized chin.  I felt as if Dad was forgiving me for all those things I feel guilty about – moving to England, not seeing him often, not ringing him often, etc.  I woke up with a smile on my face – something I’ve not done for a while.  It was a cathartic experience but I have cried quite a bit since.

Fridays are always a bit of a relief at the office.  I had quite a lot to do again and so arrived very early. My line manager was on holiday this week so I did over 42 hours this week and am looking forward to relaxing.  Once again I was unable to give my receptionist any work because it would take too much time to explain.  Luck for me, I was given a trainee accountant to help.  It’s good because I got through twice what I could have by myself.  It was bad because 1) it’s painfully obvious that our receptionist’s job will need to change now that my friend has retired and I don’t know if my receptionist will manage; 2) it’s painfully obvious that our trainee didn’t have enough to do this week.  I don’t know if that’s indicative of something a bit more ominous?

I was meant to see the England football game against Montenegro with the neighbours last night but they’ve obviously forgotten – no one was home.  Helios and I listened to it on the radio.  Between you and me, I’m relieved I wasn’t with the neighbours last night.  They have a three year old little girl who is lovely but, as I’m just a hair north of exhaustion, I was glad to be able to relax at home!

My line manager is back at the office next week and I have Monday off as holiday.  I’ll be spending time with a friend I used to work with.  We’re going to London and having some spa treatments near Knightsbridge.  So after some pampering, I’ve suggested we take tea at Fortnum & Mason and do a bit of Christmas shopping.

Then Tuesday morning I have a doctor’s appointment with the specialist that cleaned out my endometriosis in 2008.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I have a list of symptoms to discuss with him.

I do hope the next few weeks will be a bit less frantic!

Foxy

 

Supercalafragilisticendometriosis

Monday morning I got up at the usual time and went to London where I met my friend at Waterloo and then we walked to The Hilton at Park Lane for our spa treatments.  This is the friend who has a hard time saying endometriosis and instead turns it into a word that Mary Poppins would be proud of!

On the one hand it was a great spa experience because it was relaxing and the masseuse got rid of the knots in my shoulder; on the other hand it wasn’t nearly as good as I’d hoped – we were in the basement, there was only one toilet for the four gals who were doing the treatments so we had to take turns, and there was a bit of building work going on outside so it was a little difficult to relax with all the THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMPING.  Also, I was expecting us each to have our own treatment rooms but my friend and I shared a room and we had a therapist each.  The room itself was a bit hot and very cramped.  I didn’t like it not because I find it uncomfortable being naked in front of a woman (I used to attend a gym.) but because one of the therapists would talk and one of us would answer.  It just wasn’t right because I didn’t feel comfortable saying this or that for fear of interrupting a good experience for my friend.  As frustrating as it was, I did enjoy it.

We spent the rest of the day walking through London – we went to Piccadilly to do a spot of Christmas shopping at Fortnum & Mason only for me to discover that the prices for everything there was really too far out of my reach.  I got Helios a jar of marmalade, vowed never to spend £5 for a single bar of chocolate and we continued our adventure.

We made it to Covent Garden and had a very nice lunch with some wine.  While I was there I discovered a tea shop and, I’m proud to say, I got some delicious jasmine tea!

After that we walked back toWaterloo, said our goodbyes and went home.  What a lovely day!  We walked about 5 miles and I’ve got very small blisters on my baby toes but it was worth it!

This next bit contains explicit details about my doctor’s appointment.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!  This morning I got up again at the usual time and drove to the local hospital for my appointment with the specialist.  I got a minion for the appointment but was very pleased with how thorough she was in examining me.  Firstly we talked about how my pain had been increasing over the past cycles.  She was surprised when I told her how my flow had been incredibly hard at certain times of my cycle – my birth control should eliminate heavy periods.  She’s given me some tablets to try to minimise the flooding.  I told her that sex itself wasn’t painful but that I got a backache afterwards.  She mentioned that she was a little concerned that I appear to have a history of smear tests that are less than perfect and, noting that I was exposed to DES, she wants to test me for scary viruses on my cervix.  Should anything be found, a small portion would be burned off or removed.  I’m good with that.  I cannot imagine long-term side effects from it and I’d probably benefit from the lack of worry after every smear…

She then decided that she wanted to see my internals so I hopped up on one of those tables and I notched up another doctor being in there.  I did tell them that I’d had more doctors in there than I’d had boyfriends.  The nurse chuckled as the doctor poked and prodded me.  I find the sonogram on a stick a bit uncomfortable but not agonising.  It’s easy to tolerate if you relax, lay back and think of England.  (!)

I was delighted by how she searched for things because she talked throughout the test.  I was told that my womb is leaning towards my bladder – something I never knew.  She was unable to find my right ovary – but said that at this point in my cycle it would be difficult to find.  So I said that she wouldn’t find my left one – I’d hidden it in my left shoe.  So when she found my left ovary I said that I’d have to try harder next time!  As she examined me, she told me what she was finding and why that’s abnormal.  In particular, my womb is very solid and didn’t move very well when pushed.  My left ovary was also solid and without movement when pushed so she presumed that the right one would have the same problem.  I can only surmise that my endometriosis is covering certain areas and leaving them sticky again.

So, as always, I have three options: 1) pain management with drugs.  She would like to put me on the mirena coil and I flatly refused.  She suggested the drug-version of a hysterectomy.  I’m curious but want to be sure that I won’t fall pregnant with it.  2) laparoscopic surgery to clear away any endometriosis found and 3) hysterectomy, including the removal of ovaries.  I have a follow-up appointment on 8^th November where I can discuss my options and schedule a surgery if required.

For once, I’m reluctant to consider the hysterectomy option – not because I want children but because I like myself at the moment and don’t want to consider the personality changes that a hysterectomy may cause.  If I may be blunt, I don’t want to lose my sex-drive now that I’m finally in a happy and healthy relationship.  Oh sure, I’ll be given HRT and it will be mostly progesterone so my endometriosis won’t grow back but I don’t always do well on progesterone birth control pills so there’s no telling what havoc I could cause if I don’t have my ovaries.

The drug option would be good if I weren’t already content with my personality at the moment.  So it looks as though I’ll be requesting another laparoscopy.  I have plenty of time to think about it…

I did feel a little sore after my appointment but that’s passed now.  I’m off to bed soon.  Good night everyone.

Foxy

Choices, choices

I’m going to take the time to thrash out what I feel are the pros and cons of the treatments I’ve been offered by the consultant I saw on Tuesday.  As I find thinking on the page just as helpful as talking to Helios and my mom, I hope you don’t mind my “thinking out loud”.

1. Drug Treatment (Lupron)

Pros

• Temporary effect
• Won’t have a period at all while on it

Cons

• Will take time to take effect (which is a bad thing if I am trying to cope at a full-time job)
• May not work
• May not have the same effect as a surgical hysterectomy
• Would need to take HRT (progesterone) which has been known to make me crazy.

2. Laparoscopy to treat endo

Pros

• I’ve had this before so know what to expect
• If done well, can significantly reduce pain for a period of 2-3 years for me (but not guaranteed!)

Cons

• It’s still surgery and has risks
• Will still need to take birth control tablets
• Will still get periods
• I know for certain that pain will return in due course

3. Hysterectomy (but retaining ovaries)

Pros

• Never have a period again!!!!
• No need for birth control

Cons

• Endo will certainly return and I will need to ascertain what new symptoms to anticipate
• Need to find out if I will need hormone treatment for endo and/or PCOS post surgery
• Irreversible
• Need to find out how to ascertain when endo has spread enough that I need to see a doctor again
• Will my hormone levels still rise and fall every month?
• Will it affect my physical relationship with my husband?
• Not sure if it will positively affect my pain levels
• Don’t forget all surgery has risks

4. Hysterectomy (with ovary removal

Pros

• Never have a period again!!!!!
• No need for birth control

Cons

• With the added element of ovary removal – hormone levels will be a complete unknown and therefore impossible to anticipate.
• Will need to take HRT post-surgery
• I will still have endometriosis – so need to ascertain what new symptoms to anticipate
• Irreversible
• Will it affect my physical relationship with my husband?
• Unsure if it will positively affect my pain levels
• Osteoporosis runs in my family so, at the very least, I would want a strategy to combat this.

My current thinking is to reject the chemically induced hysterectomy – but not outright.  If I have surgery and then try the lupron, I may find that an appealing option because, if the lupron is difficult for me, I would know that my pain would not be as bad when I came off it.  I don’t know if they’ll let me try it in that order but that’s what I’d like to do.

As appealing as the lap is, I am concerned that my doctor may be right in her thought (I won’t have a diagnosis until the womb is taken!) that I may have adenomyosis.  The symptom that tipped her off was post-intercourse back pain.  She examined me with a trans-vaginal ultrasound (or I call it sonogram on a stick!) and found that my uterus seemed “painful”, that she expected it to be pliable but it seemed very solid and had no movement.  She asked if I had a history of fibroids and I had the rare opportunity to say “no, not that one doc!”  If she’s right then the lap won’t go far enough in removing my pain-giving beasties…

Since my examination, when Helios and I were intimate, I experienced discomfort on climax.  It wasn’t horrible and, because I was enjoying myself, I called it “odd” at the time because I didn’t want Helios to stop.  I am so grateful that Helios hates me in pain.  Pain is not sexy.  However, the incident served to cement the thought in my mind that if I don’t do something to get my uterus out, that I may be having more discomfort during intimacy.   This could lead to less frequent intimacy which, over a significant time period, may lead to a change in our relationship.  I think I’ve said it before but it bears repeating – now that I’m in a healthy and happy relationship, I want to do everything in my power to ensure that it remains so.

My next choice therefore is the hysterectomy but retaining my ovaries.  The significant plusses to this are 1) I will never have a period again, 2) with ovary retention I can ask to try the chemically-induced hysterectomy post-surgery in order to suppress the return of my endometriosis and 3) if I do have adenomyosis, the discomfort I experience on intimacy will completely disappear.  However, if it’s not adenomyosis, then I may have another new pain-giving beastie and I’ll be a medical miracle worthy of study!!

As with all my choices, I assume I will need further surgery for endometriosis in due course – while that will be the case for all my choices, I am slightly in the dark as to what form of pain I will encounter next if I have my womb removed.  Will it be worse?  Will endometriosis spread throughout my pelvis?  Perhaps it will want to travel further afield, get a train ticket and go around the UK?

At the moment I’m completely discounting a full hysterectomy with ovary removal.  I feel this option is simply a bridge too far.  I feel that I need to retain my ovaries (as PCOS-ridden as they are) in order for me to feel a bit more womanly.

With all the usual frustration of my conditions, why oh why can’t I just have an easy choice?  Just for once wouldn’t it be nice to be given a tablet and told “You’re cured!  Now off you go, I have sick people to attend to!”  Nope.  We’re stuck in the queue of sick people, tapping our fingers against our new list of ever-growing symptoms.  I wish I had a crystal ball to see the different ramifications of each option so I could choose the option I can live with.

Isn’t it ridiculous!  I’m sitting here crying because my options are so crap that I have to choose one that is the least worst!  When else does anyone do this??  Oh yeah.  When we choose our politicians!  That’s the only time when healthy people can begin to contemplate how CRAP my life has become thanks to endometriosis!

Wishing you a brighter future

Foxy

All work and no play

The rest of my week in the office was busy.

Wednesday we had 18 partners of the firm in our office all day.  While I was trying to get through other things, I was making teas and coffees by the bucketful.

Thursday we were told that our office made a profit last month and the partners bought cakes for the office.  Hopefully this will result in a halting of any more cuts the partners were considering!

Also on Thursday my line manager and my receptionist were in telephone training all day.  They now have the ability to work on the live telephone system.  Initially I was concerned that I wasn’t getting the training because I like to be involved in all the new aspects of my work.  However, I have a lot of responsibility in the office and I expect the partners wanted her to start to pull her weight.  Sadly, although she believes that she is capable, I don’t believe that our receptionist is smart enough to do any proper amendments to the system.  As I’ve previously mentioned, she once again didn’t get a book and take notes during the training.  I expect all I have to do is wait until she breaks something.

Friday I made sure to get a lot of my filing out of the way before my partners come back on Monday – partly because I want to make sure I look good and partly because I wanted to get away from my desk and away from my receptionist who, as you may have gleaned, really gets on my nerves.  Oh sure her heart is in the right place and she is a very caring soul but I find her trying as well.

At least this weekend is meant to be clear, bright and seasonably warm.  I find it odd to need to kill mosquitoes in October but here I am chasing one around the living room!

Next week should be better at work – no one is on holiday and my major projects are finally over.  I now need to concentrate on destroying the ancient files in archive and then I can look at expanding my responsibilities in other areas.

Foxy

So Tired

I could easily miss a step, fall over like a tree in the forests and be asleep half-way to the floor.  I didn’t sleep well Thursday night.  The past few days I’ve had problems with what Helios calls “defecation frenzy”.  I didn’t miss work but I have had to take more time than usual to attend to calls of nature.  Thursday it was 4 or 5.  Friday it was 8.  This morning so far it’s been two and I’ve decided that I probably need to fast now to get it out of my system.

I dreamt last night I was in the US.  I was in the car with Foxxy (an old friend who, in real life, shares my name but with a slightly different spelling) and her boyfriend.  They were chatting away in the front of the car and, every so often, they would giggle at a shared joke.  I contented myself with looking outside the window.  We drove for some time to another city.  It was a beautiful journey – I couldn’t help but notice how green the grass looked.  The US is so vast!  For some time we didn’t see another car or person – which doesn’t happen in England.  It was pristine and I thought that if all of the US was so beautiful I wouldn’t mind living there.  However, things weren’t as nice when we got to the city: people seemed to be crossing the road any old where and we had to swerve to dodge them.  It reminded me a little of where my sister used to live – with University students flooding the streets to get to their next class on time.

We finally arrived at our destination: we were visiting our friend at the hospital.  I remember him from high school but cannot remember his full name.  He’s called John and he was in our gang.  He was the one that wore the T-shirt “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.”  He had had a car accident and had a number of broken bones.

We parked well away from the building to avoid paying the parking fees.  I put one sock on but the other fell down a crevasse.  I could have retrieved it but I didn’t.  I just put my shoe on my right foot.

I worried that the smell of the place would make me sick.  When I was in high school I made the mistake of visiting a friend who’d had a car accident and the smell made me sick – I had to run to the toilet!  Very embarrassing!

We weren’t allowed to see John immediately – which was a good thing.  I didn’t notice any overpowering smell – so I was OK there.  I started gearing myself up to see a John that looked a lot worse than he probably was (in order to honestly say how good I thought he looked) and I thought of things to tell him like “You look just like you did in high school – except for the odd broken bone of course!”

We were shown to a seat near a TV where there were some patients and visitors.  The visitors didn’t look worried – they looked dirty – like how I’d expect the residents of Dale Farm to look.  Dale Farm is a Gypsy site in Essex that has recently evicted half its residents because they only had permission for a certain number of mobile homes.  The story made national news and, politically, I found myself siding with the local council.  I just don’t understand the traveller way of life in order to understand their plight or why they choose to live the way they do.

In the dream I didn’t pay them any attention.  I was pacing and worried that I’d lost my right sock because (and we all know how odd dreams are) even though I’ve not seen John for at least 20 years, he’d given me that pair of socks and I didn’t want him to think that I’d lost one.  The next thing I know all the other visitors leave and Kate, my line manager and someone I really respect, smiled at me and said “We have to ask them to move – they’re always wanting to sell us their dead.”

I woke up with the word “Dead” ringing in my ears.

When Helios got up I told him that I thought I ought to fast today to get my bowel back to normal.  Helios suggested that indigestion may have an effect on our dreaming.  Then he said I should take a paracetamol and codeine.  I can’t help but remember what he said about his time in Kenya– he came back with a “shit yourself thin” diet!  Thursday I was uncomfortable but in a good mood all day.  Friday I felt a bit worse and grouchy.  Today I’m hungry and afraid to eat lest I suffer with more bowel trouble…

I’m going to have to go back to bed.

Foxy

Is this the future for Endometriosis treatment?

Finally a new surgical approach: remove the endometriosis!  Dr Trehan believes that endometriosis “…is a generalized disease of the pelvic peritoneum and a radical approach like total pelvic peritoneal excision is the answer”.

If my experience is anything to go by, I wholly agree with his hypothesis – I have found medicines to help me cope with symptoms but really do nothing to actually help my condition.  I have had 3 surgeries so far and am in the process of contemplating a fourth.  Although I do not want to have children, I don’t want to lose my feminine organs if I don’t have to.

I’m reading this site and wondering how no one has thought of this before!  I’m reading this and thinking that I have nothing to lose by having another “plain” endometriosis treatment surgery so that the techniques used by Dr Trehan can be used on more women and, hopefully, by the time I need another further surgery (which will be number 5!) the techniques will have trickled down to the people I go to!

Feel better!

Foxy

Tell Me About Yourself Award

How exciting!  Thanks to Sandra at Learning to Walk Alone   for this award and for the comfort that I’ve found in reading her blog.  Like my dad, her husband died of Parkinsons.  I’ve also found her unwavering faith to be an inspiration.

The rules for receiving this award are:

I must tell seven things about myself and I must pass on the award to 15 other great bloggers.

Here are seven things about me:

1. I was once told by a Venezuelan that I “have a lot of rhythm for a white girl” when I danced with him.
2. I stopped biting my nails when I was a kid by chewing gum instead.
3. I am a Manchester United fan and have been to Old Trafford on a number of occasions to see games and once to take a tour.  English football rocks!
4. I like boogie boarding in Cornwall because I don’t have to try to stand up on a board and my eyesight is so bad that I wouldn’t manage to survive waves larger than those found inEngland!
5. I love watching Charlie Chaplin films, WWII documentaries and visiting museums.  I expect that officially makes me a nerd.  Oh dear, what a shame.  (!)
6. My favourite painting of all time is The Lady of Shalott by John William Waterhouse, based on a poem of the same name by Lord Alfred Tennyson…  Wonderful!  
7. My dream job would be to work for a charity organising various fundraising events.  I am painfully well organised and love the sense of achievement when it all comes together successfully.  The biggest event I’ve ever organised was an auction of promises that raised about £2000 – and I did this as well as my full-time job.

The 15 blogs I’m passing this award to are:

1.  The mud and the lotus
2.  My autoimmune life
3.  The Dexterous Diva
4.  Verity PCOS
5. The Warrior Woman with Endometriosis
6. Endometriosis: the silent life sentence
7.  Chronically creative
8.  My Endo Diary
9.  I will not suffer in silence
10.  Endometriosis Update
11.  Bangable Dudes in History
12.  Cool Chicks from History
13.  Pictures of War (which is currently banned inChina)
14.  Wearing History
15.  History and Women

Each blogger who receives this award must write seven things about themselves and then pass the aware onto 15 other bloggers.  To copy the award logo, right click, select copy, go to your blog post and click paste.

I expect some of the above won’t “accept” the award (Verity is a charity and therefore not run by one person) but are most certainly worth a look!

Foxy

Hysterectomy Risks – what I didn’t know…

I cannot go around making decisions without considering all the ramifications.  I have to say that the lack of sufficient information from my surgeons has been shocking.  In 2008 I was in so much pain that I begged for a hysterectomy.  (It’s worth saying that you have to be seriously desperate if you beg for a hysterectomy!)  Even then, I didn’t know all about the side effects – or else I may have begged for something else.  It’s impossible to say what else I would have begged for but I’d like to think I would have asked for something else!

What I really wanted in order to help me with my decisions was this list from the HERS Foundation.  What I got was a 20 minute examination and chat about what my options were.  Bearing in mind the examination involved my disrobing and having a trans-vaginal scan, that really didn’t leave enough time for the chat.

She didn’t give me any recommendations but tried to get me to try the Mirena coil again which I strenuously refused after the side effects I experienced when I tried it in 2006.

Once again I find myself angry with doctors!  Not only did they take over 20 years to diagnose me but they never seem to give me enough information.  Oh sure they answer my questions but they don’t offer any further relevant information.  I don’t even know what grade of Endo I have!  It’s at times like these that I’m grateful for the internet: without it I wouldn’t know what questions to ask in the first place.

Foxy – 5th November 2011

My Fourth Laparoscopy

I recently went to the surgeon who gave me a number of choices; I have come to the conclusion that a laparoscopy to clear my endometriosis is the best choice for me because a hysterectomy is too drastic a change for me and trying a drug to give me a temporary menopause is generally not well received (from what I’ve read).

My first laparoscopy occurred in May 2005 and I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  Back then I wanted to have children and was marred to the first husband.  My diagnosis and persistent symptoms – even after the surgery – was to prove another nail in the coffin of our failing relationship.

My second laparoscopy occurred in March 2007.  By this point I was waiting for my decree absolute; I lived in a sweet little flat and my boyfriend stayed with me immediately after the surgery – although I struggled with symptoms and depression I couldn’t have had better support.

My surgeon put me on HRT to help with my PCOS symptoms – which turned out to be a BIG mistake as it fed my endometriosis.  My pain quickly became debilitating.

My third laparoscopy occurred in November 2008.  I was recently remarried and we’d decided not to have children.  My pain was such that I was desperate for a drastic change and I begged for a hysterectomy.  Helios and my surgeon talked me out of it and I was transferred to an endometriosis and pelvic pain specialist.  The surgery was highly successful – I went from a 9 or 10 on the pain-scale to a 1 during my period and nil every other time.

Plonk me in a chair and send me home!!

Since then I’ve coped with my pain by using birth control (which contains some oestrogen because the progesterone-only pills make me aggressive – GRRRRRRR) and then I started tri-cycling my pills: I have a period once every 9-10 weeks.  Since then, upon talking to my colposcopy nurse, I have been trying to extend the time between periods even longer.  I’ve not managed to make it 6 months between periods yet but am looking into it.

I’m also grateful that I didn’t have a hysterectomy.  I was sorely tempted to have it in my deliberations for my upcoming surgery, but this time I have sought treatment before I’ve become frantic about my symptoms and it’s given me time to be objective about what I need.  It’s so much easier to contemplate the choices when you’re compos mentis!

Helios is coming with me to my appointment on Tuesday where I’ll tell the surgeons what decisions I’ve made; we can discuss what the next steps are and when I can expect things to happen.  I’ll be sure to update you as soon as I have more details.

Foxy

A Brief Update

Luckily for me the surgeon agreed with me and has requested I have a laparoscopy.  While I’m under they’re excising my endometriosis, they’re going to put a camera into my uterus (I assume it’s small and won’t be accompanied by a team of photographers!) to see if I’ve got fibroids.  They’re also going to give my cervix a smear test to see if I have a type of virus that is frequently found in women with cervical cancer.  This precaution is in reaction to all the (negative) tests I’ve had in the past couple of years.  If I’m found to have it, I’ll be given a smear test even more frequently and, any problems caught early.

The bad news is that I’ll have to wait until February/March for the surgery.  I’ve not had the chance to discuss this with my office and won’t know more until I get the actual date of the surgery.

Foxy

Sunday

I’m officially dreading going back to work tomorrow.  It’s normally hard to get back into the swing of work after a week off but, bearing in mind I have requested surgery and will have a date coming up in the new year, I need to tell everyone what to expect.  I don’t think this will be a problem – I’m just trying to channel some patience with my receptionist who I know will ask “Why don’t you just…?” because she watches medical shows on TV and thinks that seeing a 10 minute feature gives her enough information to start giving advice.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Does anyone out there have any advice on how to deal with this annoying type of idiot?

The good news is that I ought to be reasonably more relaxed with life by the time I get to work tomorrow – I bought my train ticket and will officially be taking that transport up to 23^rd December.  I’ll buy a new ticket to cover me for the New Year – why pay for days that I’m not going to use?  Hopefully by not fighting my way through the traffic I’ll be a bit more sane when I arrive at the office.

I had a great week off with my Helios.  We participated in a Bird of Prey day which was wonderful.  The best bit was when Helios said that the best bit for him was that I was there with him.  I was a little nervous about it but loved the experience.  I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Owl - Gorgeous!!

Foxy

Fatigue

I’d say over the past six or more months I’ve needed extra sleep at the weekends in order to get by.  I go to bed at a reasonable hour on Friday night.  I’m up at the usual time on Saturday morning.  I have an extra hour or so during the day and repeat the process on Sunday.  The fatigue has grown from just needing a nap on one of the weekend days to both weekend days.  Just before I go to bed for my afternoon naps I get the oddest sensation – I’m not exactly tired, it’s more as if I’ve already gone to bed and I’m dreaming.  Someone has switched off my brain and my eyes are showing their “no one’s home” signs.

During the week I’ve coped reasonably well without the extra sleep during the day.  Aside from PMT times, I’ve been alert and sharp.

I was a bit disturbed when my brain switched off last night.  About 8pm I was finishing off a few emails, facebook posts, etc when all my sense was switched off.  Despite being keen to watch the rest of the football game, I was unable to keep my eyes open and I dragged myself to bed at 8:30.

I can’t help but wonder if there was something different about yesterday that made me more tired than usual: I was having some sharp pain in my ovaries during the day.

Or is my body reacting to the exercise I’m getting in going to and from work?  The last time I got this much exercise it was the summer of 2010 and I was going out at 6am for a walk to and from the station and still had plenty of time to get ready and meet my friend to carpool to work.  Of course all that stopped when those horrid miscreants made me think I was going to be murdered and my mangy carcass thrown into a field…  I still occasionally think about that day but I’m not filled with dread anymore.  My home town is stupidly safe.  I rarely have to remind myself of it now.  Also, these days I carry items that would help me defend myself – nothing scary.  Sometimes I just roll up a newspaper – a jab in a delicate place with a rolled up newspaper would easily enable me to slow down an attacker enough to let me get away safely.  Don’t let the Hollywood films fool you – if you’ve managed to stop an attacker – run for your life!  Don’t stop until you get somewhere safe.  Then call the police.

Or am I not feeling myself because I need to have a period? The first day of my most recent one was 27^thAugust.  I probably should have given myself one when Helios and I were on holiday in  November but I was so busy that I didn’t want to – and who could blame me really? My periods are bad enough now that I really need three days to get the worst of it out of my system and the next time I have enough time off work is at Christmas.  While I’ve got all the time off between Christmas and New Year, it won’t necessarily be a pleasant holiday.

Hanging on until Christmas may be a challenge because, aside from the curiously-strong fatigue, I am having dull pain most days, sharp pain in my ovaries at times and a slight bleed through on some days.  This after I insisted that I don’t have any blood apart when I’m getting my period…  I doubt it’s a sign of something sinister.  I’m probably still not accustomed enough to having longer and longer cycles.

When I finally get my surgery dates I’ll think about having another period while I’m off with that – with any luck I’ll be on so much medication that any more pain won’t be an issue.  (?)

It’s at times like this that I’m ever so grateful that I’m accustomed to being organised because my brain isn’t working properly. For the past couple of days, particularly in the afternoon, I’m getting that woolly-headed feeling where I’m in a bit of a daze.  I used to feel like this when I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and I’d wind up being in a mess for the rest of the afternoon.  However, I know it’s not my diet because I’m having my usual egg/mayonnaise sandwich in the mornings (on low-GI bread) and for lunch for the past couple of weeks it’s been turkey with tomato, green pepper, low-GI Rye crisp breads and humus.   A couple of days ago I tried a wheat pita at lunchtime with my obligatory seeds in and within an hour I looked about six months pregnant.  when I’m most certainly not!  Did I have a reaction to  wheat? Within a few hours all had settled back down again but the incident made me wonder if there is anything else that I ought to be avoiding…  I’ve made an initial appointment with a food tolerance expert to see what else I can be doing.

You may remember that I’m on a slightly restricted diet anyway due to my insulin resistance.  When I first started getting diagnosed with my many maladies, I was told I had PCOS and insulin resistance.  For the insulin resistance, I was told to limit my carbohydrate intake to 20g per meal per day; I started lose weight and feel like my old self after a month or two.  Of course, I was depressed and my endometriosis diagnosis was in my future.  My entire life needed changing in order to feel happy but the change of diet was a good start.  At that point I didn’t notice any odd bloating, but so many things on my body seem to have given up working since then that I feel a bit of a lemon!

My interest was piqued when one of the gals at work did a food-intolerance test just about three weeks ago and now she’s been following the regime and she’s looking amazing.  I don’t know how much weight she’s lost but because she’s only taking on board exactly what she needs, her body is obviously happier for it.

Foxy

For the one who asked but didn’t listen…

You asked why I was in pain over Christmas.  Obviously you didn’t understand me when I said I have endometriosis.  Endometriosis gives me pain so severe that even when I take the strongest pain medications, I still need a hot water bottle and to be left alone.  As my disease has progressed since my last surgery, the number of days I’m in agony has increased.  This time it was a full 4 days.  On a scale of 1 – 10 the pain is a 9.  I say that because it leaves me nauseated (yes even after I take the pain meds), I’m unable to find a comfortable position in bed, and I have been known to burn myself with the hot water bottle – blisters and all (so Helios’s taken charge of the hot water bottles because I cannot be trusted NOT to burn myself).

Also, my not-as-severe symptoms have been affecting me outside the time when I get my period.  If I felt like this even more regularly (i.e. when I’m not getting my period) I would be unable to work.  I would be unable to function.  I would be physically incapable of fighting for treatments that clearly aren’t up to the job.  All I do when I’m in pain is curl up in bed and rock and rock.  I’m in too much pain to cry.  I’m in too much pain to think.  When I have endometriosis pain I feel like I’m going to die.  Let me be crystal clear – the pain I was in when I was hit by a car (no broken bones) wasn’t nearly as bad as the pain I’m in during my period.  The nightmares I had following the accident weren’t nearly as bad as the dread I feel with my endometriosis!

At the moment the “best” treatment for endometriosis is running my birth control pill packs together so I have fewer periods (in the hope that it gives me less pain) and to have reasonably regular surgeries to clear the stuff out.  I am currently on a waiting list for my fourth laparoscopy and, if Christmas was anything to go by, it cannot come soon enough!  The other treatment that the doctors have recommended to me is a hysterectomy.  I’ve rejected this because, from all the things I’ve heard, it’s not a cure and certainly isn’t always effective – the endometriosis simply settles somewhere else and eats away at that – the bowel, the bladder, etc.

There is, however, a treatment that I’m keeping my eye on.  Currently endometriosis is thought of as a gynaecology problem.  There are doctors who have started to treat the disease as a pelvic disease.  This means that they don’t take the usual 30 – 45 minutes to clean out the endometriosis that they can see.  They scrape the skin of all the organs in the pelvis in order to remove every last trace of the disease.   This can take as long as 8 hours and, needless to say, doesn’t have a long track record.  I’m hoping that by the time my pain is as severe as it is now (in 2 – 3 years) the “pelvis approach” will be more prominent and I’ll try that.  In the meantime I’m coping reasonably well with the pain management I have in place now.  Well, I say I’ll try it – if it ends up being a waste of time (like everything else the idiot doctors have come up with) I’ll still have to struggle my way through with ineffective pain management and frequent surgeries.  I’m afraid if an effective treatment isn’t discovered soon I’ll have to look into something drastic that doesn’t guarantee results – like a hysterectomy.

Foxy

Good News

A friend of mine was complaining the other day so I wanted you to remember that I’m one of the lucky ones: I don’t have pain so bad so often that I need to take disability!  Some of my American friends are made to feel lower than dirt because they’re unable to work, because they demand medical attention, because they’re unable to pay for the constant medical attention they require.  They have to choose which medications they take even though they are told by a doctor that they need everything on the list due to financial reasons.  Don’t forget I was made to feel like a “girl who cried wolf” for over 20 years before I finally got a diagnosis!  Imagine vomiting from pain and then being told “That’s normal – stop your moaning and get on with it!”

Just because I have a happy marriage now and I’m able to hold down a job at the moment doesn’t mean that there haven’t been times when I’ve been treated badly.

I finally achieved a diagnosis (I want to say it was 2005 but may have been 2004) of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Insulin Resistance and Endometriosis.  Sadly, this had a number of ramifications: I was a vegetarian and had to completely change my diet.  When I told my ex-husband that I needed to start to eat meat he said “Do you have to?” as if I had a choice!

I was in a spiral of pain and depression – when I was struggling physically my ex would imply I was lazy.  His parents didn’t respect me.  When I would struggle at work I would make mistakes which lead to complaints which lead to more mistakes…  After years of being told you aren’t worth much, you start to believe it.

I had to change the way I thought about myself.  So on the one hand I was delighted to know that my pain wasn’t in my head but on the other I needed to think about my body in a completely different way: I have limitations.  This fact didn’t sink in for a number of months/years and I wound up taking a number of medications in order to get myself into some sort of order – not to mention I wanted to pretend that my illnesses would not affect my “normality”.  I took pregabalin which is a medicine that is mainly used to treat epilepsy. It works by stabilising electrical activity in the brain.  As pregabalin stabilises electrical nerve activity, it is also used to treat pain that occurs a result of damage to or a disturbance in the function of nerves (neuropathic pain).  I took metformin for my insulin problem.  I took Mefenamic Acid (prescription anti-inflammatory), paracetamol and codeine for pain.  I took laxatives for the codeine side-effects.  I was taken off birth control and given HRT patches.  I took St Johns Wort when I was off The Pill but gave it up again when I went back on it.  I took Milk Thistle for my PMS.  Finally I gave in and took prozac for the inevitable depression that I was in thanks to the never-ending pain.  I positively rattled!  I was in the position of taking so many medications that I was getting some terrible side effects and taking medications for the side-effects.

I moved jobs – from the solicitors’ firm where Helios and I met to a pharmaceutical company.  The best thing I ever did was leave law.  I think they were in the process of trying to push me out anyway.  I am a very good secretary and office administrator but, in that poisonous environment I only went from bad to worse.  The pharma company wasn’t great either but it was better than lawyers!  Ultimately I was made redundant form the pharma company just a few weeks after my third laparoscopy – in December 2008.  Happy Christmas to you!  I agreed because they gave me a generous settlement.  I could easily say that my health was a factor in their decision and I’m sure that’s why they were so generous.  I didn’t have the energy to fight it even if I did want to.  I spent 2009 going from one temporary position to another.  Financially I was a mess but things were looking up.  I came off a majority of the pills and, thanks to the most recent surgery, my pain was at an all-time minimum.

My point is that you don’t know what life will give you.  When you are given terrible news, you will probably struggle too but I know you will manage.  Until then you have to take one day at a time.

Foxy