Head cold and strange dreams

I’m finally starting to feel better.  My head cold is clearing and the sun is shining.  The snow that fell yesterday has already melted.  I’m a little down but I’m attributing that to my cold and lack of sleep.

Again, I have to say I have the world’s best husband.  The other night I offered to sleep on the couch and he told me not to.  He said that he would only worry if I was out in the living room on the couch and he wouldn’t be able to sleep.  I’m holding my breath to see if he comes down with my cold.  I really hope he doesn’t because he already has sinus issues.

I’ve been having more of my record-breaking strange dreams.  For example, last night I was driving to a restaurant called “The Monkey Puzzle” or something like that, to meet my sister.  When I got there I found a large building that looked like a warehouse with a sign on the side that said “The Monkey Box”.  The next thing I know, I was captured by the mob!  They injected something into my back and I found myself in the main dining area again, trying to convince everyone that I was in danger.  I pretended to collapse for the attention and in the hope that whatever I was injected with would, ultimately, have lead me to collapse anyway!

I’m still trying to work out what that was all about.  Perhaps it’s because I feel slightly out of control?  New Job, New year, new step-kids (or at least new to me!)  I’m trying to make a good impression all over the place and I won’t feel comfortable until I feel more in control.  As I’m a firm believer that dreams are some sort of indicator of underlying feelings told in a metaphor – I think I’m right in saying I’m 1) trying to find my way (in the case of the restaurant, not exactly succeeding) and 2) slightly out of control but doing what I can to resolve the situation.   This is a good thing because I’m not normally good at asking for help but, I think from my dream, I have been trying to do this.  Although, if I examine this to the fullest extent, I might actually feel more in control of my life if I formally asked for help from time to time from others instead of throwing myself down to the ground and hoping people will notice…

When I mentioned this to the gals at my new work, they asked me if I ate cheese.  (!)  At interview I mentioned my Insulin Resistance problem so they’re at least aware of why I won’t have cakes when there are some in the kitchen – and so far this week that’s meant everyday!  However, I neglected to mention my other maladies – mainly because I wanted the job and thought that I wouldn’t get it if I brought my list out.  Can you imagine how that conversation would go?

“Well, there’s the insulin resistance which means I really shouldn’t have cakes; there’s the PCOS which means I regularly have strange dreams and hair in places a girl doesn’t want hair; there’s the endometriosis which – although I have control of the symptoms at the moment, means that some months I’m in such pain that I look like I’m giving birth in the office!  Then there’s IBS which may or may not be affected by the endometriosis.  Oh and I’ve just had a biopsy done on some questionable cells on my cervix.  It could be something scary, but I could be lucky!”  I can just imagine their response to a tirade like that.

As I say, I did confess to the Insulin Resistance which means that I’m not under any pressure to have cakes that I really shouldn’t in the office.  The rest of my symptoms from my various maladies are under control at the moment, so I didn’t mention them with the thought that if they don’t affect my work, they don’t have to know.

In short, I’m doing better and better everyday!


Happy Pills, Employment and Nerves

I’ve been taking Prozac since December.  I think I needed it for some time (even before my divorce!) but kept resisting because of the stigma attached…


Well, it helps but since I’ve been having problems at work nothing has helped.  I had two days off last week (just before the long Easter weekend which is a national holiday in England) because I had diarrhoea and was vomiting last week.  I dragged myself into the doctor’s office and she diagnosed a virus and told me to go home and get some rest.


I told my boss about what the doctor said and she said that she had the right, especially in the current economic climate, to rely on her staff and that my probation period should end.  I have begged for a second chance and am due to speak to her again on Tuesday.  I really don’t want to talk to her at all for a number of reasons.  Just thinking about it sends my stomach going base over apex! 


Now, I’ve not told you the whole truth about this job of mine.  The fact of the matter is that after a number of loud verbal dressing-downs for what I would consider a minor infraction (such as not completing my email filing or not doing something quickly enough or once I was shouted at because someone else had renamed a file and no one admitted to it – so she shot the messenger) I’ve suffered from nerves.  Bearing in mind that I started the job in February, either I’m not doing well or she has a terrible temper.  The sad fact is that I’m not the only one that she shouts at regularly so I thought she just had a temper.  If I had been a bit more my old confident self, it wouldn’t bother me as much as it does.  As we all know, suffering from nerves is not a good thing if you’re sat next to a bully.  I can’t get away from her.


Needless to say, I’ve lost weight; I’m not sleeping; I’m near tears an awful lot, I’m constantly thinking about work and I’ve started looking for another job. 


That wouldn’t be the worst thing but when I was looking I found my job advertised.  Now, I know it might sound a bit rich coming from a woman who is looking for another job but I was terribly shocked to see the ad for my own job when my boss agreed to hear me out.  Helios sensibly said that she’s probably just testing the market and that I shouldn’t read anything into it. 


I need to try and get some rest this long weekend and prepare for a two-pronged front.  On the one side I need to prepare and try to convince this witch that I am the one she wants while looking for another job and try to conceal any interviews I may have…  Not going to be easy.  Wish me luck!  I need it.



Follow-up Appointment after Laparoscopy


I saw my surgeon as a general follow up after my laparoscopy.


I couldn’t believe how nervous I was seeing him again.  I was a little afraid about what he’d say when I told him that I’ve started taking anti-depressants.  I can’t help but feel slightly terrified when I mention this to people for fear that I’ll be judged badly…


The appointment itself went well.  I took a list and told him that I’d been feeling down since the surgery, I’ve been prescribed the happy pills and I’m still in pain in my lower right abdomen since the surgery.  He did say that my hormones would be down a bit after the surgery – particularly after all the drilling he did on my right ovary to remove a deep endometrium (which explains the lower-right abdominal pain!). 


I saw photos of my inner workings and I was surprised at what endometriosis looks like.  After all that pain I half expected a large hedgehog or porcupine-type beasty with lots of sharp scary teeth but I thought it looked like inner pimples.  The one on my ovary did look scarier to me but I was assured that it only looked scary but is now removed. 


He told me that I need to stop taking all my HRT, Metformin and IBS medication.  He told me that my HRT is feeding my endometriosis and the Birth Control Pill I’m on has enough oestrogen to keep my PCOS at bay entirely.  Indeed, he said that I shouldn’t ever have PCOS symptoms if I’m on the Pill.  He claims that PCOS doesn’t exist if I’m not ovulating.  Well, I know that’s not true because even now I’ve got lots of extra oestrogen coming into my system and I’m still growing hair in places a lady doesn’t want dark, manly hair.  YUK!  Taking this into consideration I’m considering totally disregarding part of his advice. 


However, with regard to diminishing the IBS medication, he thinks that the endometriosis has been irritating my bowels all this time.  Once I settle down I can take less and less of this.  I started taking the IBS medication when my bowel had become twisted in two places and I’ve not stopped taking it since.  I’ve found it so hard to tell what has been the cause of the pain that I’ve been taking the medication without thinking why or even if it all works.


The only thing that I can take more of is my Birth Control Pill.  The doc said that I can have a period only once every nine weeks rather than once a month.  It certainly sounds better than struggling once a month!  The only issue with this was how I broke the news to Helios that he was going to have a week off only once every nine weeks instead of once a month.  Well, I mentioned this to him last night and he didn’t seem that unhappy…  Lucky me!



Hormones and Moods

I’m shaking.  I’m not very good at dealing with crowds sometimes and when my fuse is short I wind up wanting to shout at the doddering old dears who block the aisles and back into me and bump me with their trolleys.  When my fuse is short I have to keep reminding myself that it’s just my hormones.  However, suffering the irretrievably stupid is difficult sometimes!


Mind you, I suspected that I shouldn’t go to the shops today because I was shaking even before I left the flat.  Normally the best thing for me when I’m in this kind of state of mind is just sitting down in front of the TV and not doing anything – not even the dishes – because as soon as I do Helios starts to get underfoot (which is unfair on him as the flat is entirely miniscule and at least he’s drying the dishes which is a great help) and I just want to slap him. 


So instead of another Star Trek disc, I’ve decided to bore you with tales of my utter frustration.  Although my upcoming surgery doesn’t have anything to do with my polycystic ovaries, I keep thinking that if I didn’t have ovaries that my hormones (or lack thereof) will be more evenly distributed throughout the month.  However, being on an even keel isn’t so good if the even keel means that I’m still coping with extremely low oestrogen levels.  So which is worse, no ovaries and HRT for as long as I can beg it from my doctors or continuing on as I am and taking The Pill to ensure no unwanted pregnancies together with extremely low oestrogen levels because my ovaries are so crap they may as well be thrown in the bin?  It’s not as though I’m not on HRT and suffering menopausal symptoms already!  I can’t help but think that I would be happier if it was all taken out so that I can start to heal.


My largest issue with a full hysterectomy is sex.  This is the subject that leaves me in a terrible quandary.  I’m finally in a relationship where I’m not just emotionally but also physically happy and now I’m contemplating changing my body in a way that may effect my desire and the way that I enjoy sex.  Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to take The Pill anymore?  Won’t it be nice not to get frustrated and short fused for no apparent reason?  But will it effect how I enjoy being physical?  There are no answers.  Oddly, I would be happy to suffer a lot of these symptoms if it means that I still am comfortable in the bedroom.  Being physical means that much to me.


Just to be clear, my upcoming surgery isn’t a hysterectomy – I’m actually having a laparoscopy for my endometriosis.  I can’t help but think about a hysterectomy, my frustration with my symptoms has brought me to the subject on my own without help from the doctors.  It’s not as though the doctors (who to be fair have been trying to help) have been terribly successful in treating all my symptoms.  My desperation has led me to the subject and the doctors are now trying to tell me that it’s a drastic solution and, of course, irreversible.  It’s not as though I want children!  I’m so fed up with the symptoms of both PCOS and endometriosis that I would like to scoop it all out.  I’ve had symptoms since I was 12 – that’s 25 years!  Is anyone surprised that I’m nearly at wit’s end?  Luckily, I have had a promise from one of my gynaecologists that she would give me a hysterectomy if this laparoscopy doesn’t help. 


But why am I so shaky today?  Is it because I’m worried about the surgery?  No.  I’ve had laparoscopic surgeries before.  I’ve had my pre-assessment at the hospital and I’m relaxed about what I can expect.  I am concerned about what they’ll find.  Or rather what they won’t find.  Sometimes it would be nice to find one problem and they can deal with it rather than finding a number of problems that will need a bit of tinkering to achieve a balance.  For example, I keep wondering if my IBS symptoms are interfering with how I feel about my gynaecological symptoms.  Or perhaps the endometriosis is affecting my bowels and leaving me with IBS symptoms?


I’m also frustrated that my vaginal burning is so bad today.  You know, I thought that it would get a little better when I showered this morning but no.  I’ve put my usual cream on but it only helped for about an hour.  Now I feel like I’ve got a red-hot poker there.  I can’t sit or stand or move comfortably.  Why is it that everything is taking so long to sort out?  All these symptoms!  I’m not convinced that the surgery will take care of all my issues. 


I’m not normally so downtrodden.  I promise to write something more positive next time.