Anxiety is a strange thing. It’s more than just a worry about passing your exams. Worries, like some fears, are healthy – worries remind you to do things in good time so that you’re prepared. Anxiety is different. It’s a shadow that looms over your every move. It saps your confidence. It haunts you day and night. It can leave you unable to perform the simplest of tasks. You know, I could easily succumb to agoraphobia. Even now, parts of me would love to stay at home and never emerge. However, in forcing myself to get out, I am keeping my confidence up and the anxiety is being kept at bay.
I am managing to get to work on time and am doing all the usual tasks. I will admit that I find myself going over certain things (emails to clients for example) over and over again before I have the courage to complete it. However, I am doing it and I have to focus on the little achievements sometimes: I am getting the job done and it’s taking all my strength to do it. I should be given a medal. I think one of those London 2012 Gold Medals would suffice.
Life goes on. At work I’m managing to do my job. I’m involved on a couple of committees where I have to organise and attend meetings. The more I do at the office, the more comfortable I am with being there. However, I do still fret when it comes to doing things outside my normal routine. When it snows I find myself panicking about being able to get to/from work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can only do what I can do. Luckily I’m only 4 miles from home so if the trains stop running altogether one afternoon (which is unlikely) I can walk home and complain like mad the next morning.
So I’m getting by with a lot of effort.