I’ve been in pain today. I’ve tried so hard for years to work out a treatment that eliminates my pain altogether. I was lucky in my 20s and the birth control pill kept my symptoms at bay. Oh how I wish I could have truly appreciated those years! If only I had understood how lucky I was and done more with that time.
But now is not a time to look backward. I don’t have time to regret what I could have been without my constant companion. Now is the time to take more painkillers and try to stop crying.
I have tried for so many years to do something that kept my endometriosis pain at bay. Then when I finally don’t seem to have any active endometriosis lesions, I develop something (truly) just as bad for me: fibroids. The pain is shooting down my legs. The pain is making my ovaries burn. I’m sitting here on the sofa crying, unable to see any reason not to have a hysterectomy. My Fiona the Fibroid has to go. I have had enough pain in my life. I’m ready for drastic action.
OK, I’m still apprehensive about having another surgery (and who can blame me) but I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of living my life in fear of my pain. I’m tired of organising my life to fit around my periods. I can’t take anymore. I need some sort of relief and if it means taking away body parts and throwing them to the dogs – so be it.
I’m sorry. I’m feeling a bit down. I’m angry and fed up. I’m tired. I shouldn’t be sitting here feeling sorry for myself – I know so many people are dealing with so much more than me – but I’ve had so many years of pain… I’ve done a quick calculation and I’ve spent more than four years in pain already. Not constant pain, clearly, but pain that has prevented me from being at my best. It’s time I did myself that favour and have the hysterectomy. I absolutely cannot wait any longer to do something!