Healing is a Process

I’m a little surprised.  I’m finally in virtually no pain aside from muscular pain in my shoulder – which to my mind doesn’t count because, although it’s a painful annoyance, it’s nothing like what I’ve been through with my gynaecological issues!  So why am I feeling down?

I think it started a few weeks ago when I woke up from a disturbing dream: I was at Helios’ office and I was speaking to a number of his colleagues.  They were all women and they were all heavily pregnant.  All of them asked me when I was going to have a baby.  I had to say I’ll never have a child because I had a hysterectomy.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want children.  Having a hysterectomy was an easy decision for a number of reasons.  I certainly don’t regret doing it.  However, I think something in the back of my brain may be surprised at the lengths I’ve gone to.  I’ve been left with the feeling, once again, that no matter what I do I’m just not good enough.  Perhaps I will always have a voice in the back of my mind telling me these things…

I have a number of other very stressful things happening at the moment: my father in law has cancer and has been very ill; the building where we live has a structural issue and all the flat owners are negotiating who will pay for what and how.  I’m finding that situation very stressful.  So I suppose it’s little surprise since the night of the nightmare I’ve been feeling less like my old self.  In the run up to Christmas all I want to do this year is curl up in my bedroom and read my way through the winter.  I really don’t have any desire to do anything.  I simply cannot be bothered.  A cloud is settling around my heart.

I decided to do something about it when I found myself crying in the toilets at the office on my dad’s birthday.  He would have been 68.  I went to the GP on Friday afternoon and asked for advice with the hope that she would decide some anti-depressants would be appropriate.   She agreed and I’m under strict instructions to see her again in two weeks to make sure I’m getting on OK.


2 thoughts on “Healing is a Process

  1. Like you, I never wanted children, but after I had my ovaries removed, I felt a bit like you do. Well done for going to see your GP about it.
    I’m sorry to hear about your step-dad. I lost my mum in September, when she was knocked down by a lorry. I’ll join you by reading through the winter months.

  2. Oh Tricia,
    I’ve been through depression before so I know how it feels. I don’t want to struggle like I have done in the past so I’m hoping that the anti-depressants will help! Last time I changed everything and the only thing that finally made me feel better was anti-depressants. I decided I don’t want to struggle needlessly again!

    I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It must have been a terrible shock to lose her in an accident like that. I think my worry about my father in law is only reminding me of my own father’s death last year. I want the world to go away right now. I’m sure you feel the same. The strange thing for me has been how my dad’s birthday has broadsided me this year… I didn’t think I would react nearly as strongly as I have. I don’t think it’s something that I’ll ever really get over. Of course, this makes my situation with my father in law all the more stressful for me.

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