I’m a little surprised. I’m finally in virtually no pain aside from muscular pain in my shoulder – which to my mind doesn’t count because, although it’s a painful annoyance, it’s nothing like what I’ve been through with my gynaecological issues! So why am I feeling down?
I think it started a few weeks ago when I woke up from a disturbing dream: I was at Helios’ office and I was speaking to a number of his colleagues. They were all women and they were all heavily pregnant. All of them asked me when I was going to have a baby. I had to say I’ll never have a child because I had a hysterectomy.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want children. Having a hysterectomy was an easy decision for a number of reasons. I certainly don’t regret doing it. However, I think something in the back of my brain may be surprised at the lengths I’ve gone to. I’ve been left with the feeling, once again, that no matter what I do I’m just not good enough. Perhaps I will always have a voice in the back of my mind telling me these things…
I have a number of other very stressful things happening at the moment: my father in law has cancer and has been very ill; the building where we live has a structural issue and all the flat owners are negotiating who will pay for what and how. I’m finding that situation very stressful. So I suppose it’s little surprise since the night of the nightmare I’ve been feeling less like my old self. In the run up to Christmas all I want to do this year is curl up in my bedroom and read my way through the winter. I really don’t have any desire to do anything. I simply cannot be bothered. A cloud is settling around my heart.
I decided to do something about it when I found myself crying in the toilets at the office on my dad’s birthday. He would have been 68. I went to the GP on Friday afternoon and asked for advice with the hope that she would decide some anti-depressants would be appropriate. She agreed and I’m under strict instructions to see her again in two weeks to make sure I’m getting on OK.