I’m a little surprised. I’m finally in virtually no pain aside from muscular pain in my shoulder – which to my mind doesn’t count because, although it’s a painful annoyance, it’s nothing like what I’ve been through with my gynaecological issues! So why am I feeling down?
I think it started a few weeks ago when I woke up from a disturbing dream: I was at Helios’ office and I was speaking to a number of his colleagues. They were all women and they were all heavily pregnant. All of them asked me when I was going to have a baby. I had to say I’ll never have a child because I had a hysterectomy.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want children. Having a hysterectomy was an easy decision for a number of reasons. I certainly don’t regret doing it. However, I think something in the back of my brain may be surprised at the lengths I’ve gone to. I’ve been left with the feeling, once again, that no matter what I do I’m just not good enough. Perhaps I will always have a voice in the back of my mind telling me these things…
I have a number of other very stressful things happening at the moment: my father in law has cancer and has been very ill; the building where we live has a structural issue and all the flat owners are negotiating who will pay for what and how. I’m finding that situation very stressful. So I suppose it’s little surprise since the night of the nightmare I’ve been feeling less like my old self. In the run up to Christmas all I want to do this year is curl up in my bedroom and read my way through the winter. I really don’t have any desire to do anything. I simply cannot be bothered. A cloud is settling around my heart.
I decided to do something about it when I found myself crying in the toilets at the office on my dad’s birthday. He would have been 68. I went to the GP on Friday afternoon and asked for advice with the hope that she would decide some anti-depressants would be appropriate. She agreed and I’m under strict instructions to see her again in two weeks to make sure I’m getting on OK.
Foxy
Foxy in the Waiting Room 
Like you, I never wanted children, but after I had my ovaries removed, I felt a bit like you do. Well done for going to see your GP about it.
I’m sorry to hear about your step-dad. I lost my mum in September, when she was knocked down by a lorry. I’ll join you by reading through the winter months.
Oh Tricia,
I’ve been through depression before so I know how it feels. I don’t want to struggle like I have done in the past so I’m hoping that the anti-depressants will help! Last time I changed everything and the only thing that finally made me feel better was anti-depressants. I decided I don’t want to struggle needlessly again!
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. It must have been a terrible shock to lose her in an accident like that. I think my worry about my father in law is only reminding me of my own father’s death last year. I want the world to go away right now. I’m sure you feel the same. The strange thing for me has been how my dad’s birthday has broadsided me this year… I didn’t think I would react nearly as strongly as I have. I don’t think it’s something that I’ll ever really get over. Of course, this makes my situation with my father in law all the more stressful for me.