I’m now taking 20mg Citalopram every evening. I’m feeling better than I did but still not myself. I’m finding anxiety to be difficult. The trouble with living in England is that the country grinds to a halt after the first few flakes hit the ground. Monday evening I was due to see Les Miserables with my husband and my film club. That morning it snowed and I found myself struggling. I had a hard time breathing. My palms were sweaty. My heart was pounding. Once again, it was another out of control moment. I struggle with things that are out of the ordinary. I was unsure if we would be able to get home safely if we went to the movie.
Luckily that afternoon the snow turned to rain and I felt a bit more confident about being able to get home after the film. I calmed down and saw the film. Good film too. I’d recommend it. It probably wasn’t the right thing to watch if I’m feeling down but it was an epic and I appreciated it. I enjoyed it. I don’t normally like musicals.
Otherwise, I’m starting to find going to work a bit more natural. I’m walking to the train station and home – which is about 30 minutes each way a day. I generally get a bit of sweat out during my exercise. Every morning I take lots of photographs to take advantage of the early morning light. I really enjoy taking photographs. I try and look at things from different perspectives.
I’ve had two counselling sessions. One a week ago and one yesterday. During the first we talked about what brought me to counselling and how I feel. I told her about Dad’s birthday and how I’ve been feeling since then. I told her that I was determined to feel better. Oh sure I had a problem with depression after my divorce, a depression that realistically took me years to get over. I am NOT going to struggle for that long with depression ever again. I made an appointment for the following week.
Between appointments I was thinking about the relationship I have with my mom and the relationship I had with my dad. By comparison, I think I’m a better daughter to my mom than I was to my dad. However, the counsellor wanted to know some of my history. It took me all of my appointment to get my life story through to when I arrived in England. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad got remarried and redivorced when I was 6 and 8 respectively. My sister was born when I was 12. I talked about my friends in junior high and high school. I talked about my decision at university to leave elementary education for European History and French.
After my session and going through my childhood, it felt good to remember that my parents were two very different people and that I ought not compare my relationship with my dad to my relationship with my mom: I communicated in a very masculine way with Dad and I have to remember that I owe him a lot for teaching me how to appreciate men for who they are and how they communicate.
Today I had a terrible throat so I stayed at home. I’m grateful I did because it started snowing at about 10am. If I had been at work I’m sure I would have panicked about being able to get home. What a relief to be at home and admire the snow with no where to go!
I’m getting better slowly. It’s a process.