A new perspective

I have had a number of sessions with a counsellor.  She rarely speaks.  She just sits and listens, only occasionally asking pointed questions.  I spend the time recounting tales of how I felt when my father died, how I missed his funeral, when I visited his grave.  I expect I will always feel guilty for not being there.

However, since my father in law has died, I have a new enthusiasm for life: I have my husband and his family to look after.  I have a future to focus on – a living family that need me.  I told my counsellor that I found it odd that with the death of one good man, I could drop into despair while with the death of another good man, I remembered my strength.   My husband doesn’t need my strength – he just needs me to be there for him.   Believe me, I am.

I’ve discovered, quite by accident, a metaphor.  One of the few things I’ve enjoyed all along is taking photographs.  I like seeing things from new perspectives and showing my perspective to anyone who would like to see.  I try new angles.  I look at colours.

Foxy

Funeral

I was full of dread going to the South West.  For ease of travel, we decided to go by train.  I wanted to be able to chat in comfort rather than wade through traffic for four/five hours.  Also, I am getting to the great part in my book and I wanted to try to finish.  It was a lovely journey.  At one point we were on the coast and I took a number of photos.

We had some fish and chips for tea with Helios’s mum that first night.  I had a heart to heart with his mum.  The trouble between Apollo and his grandmother is that he doesn’t get in touch enough.  I gently reminded her that there is a certain loyalty that children have for their parents – especially children raised by single parents.  Helios’s children are only now beginning to have the emotional maturity to question what they used to take as truth without question.  They are only beginning to realise that truth can have several sides.

The next morning we got up and got ready for the funeral.  I wore my black dress, black tights and black boots.  I swept my dark multi-coloured scarf around my neck.  Helios’s sister and I had a hug when the hearse arrived.  Flowers in the shape of DAD were at the foot of the coffin.  We set off in a limo behind Helios’s dad.  I was in the back seat with Helios’s mum and she and I held hands to the service.

Apollo was there when we arrived and I threw my arms around him.  I wanted to be sure he sat with the immediate family – including me.  People from the funeral home carried the coffin into the service.  Immediate family went in first followed by other family and friends.  I sat with my brother-in-law on one side and Apollo on the other.  Helios and his sister were on both sides of his mother.

I managed to keep from crying until the vicar said the following words from First Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I sobbed and grabbed Apollo’s hand.  We held hands throughout the rest of the service and, when we were directed to leave the church first, we remained holding hands until we got outside and began to meet friends and family so that they could offer their condolences.

Initially we stood together.  I confessed that I only knew a few people there – I knew Apollo would have the same problem so I introduced him to the few people I knew.  I tried to ensure he was comfortable.  I think he’s rather shy.  He has always been good with me but, having been shy as a youngster, I know how uncomfortable being in big crowds can be – especially if the crowd has a particular expectation of you.

All of us piled into the limo and headed for the pub.  I told Helios’s sister that every time I saw her father, he was had a smile on his face.  My father-in-law was a lovely man.

After the service we went to the pub for catered sandwiches and drinks.  Apollo and I again sat side by side for a bit.  I didn’t want to monopolise his time so I wandered off from time to time.  I figured he needs to know these people – most of whom are family – a bit better.  He didn’t move much and only drank a soft drink for the hours that we were there.  I know the feeling – if you don’t have much money you don’t want to accept drinks because you’d end up owing people an expensive round.  However, at this kind of occasion he could have let us treat him.

I learned that Apollo wasn’t always so shy.  When he was very young (about 4) he used to walk up to complete strangers, clamp himself to their legs and say “I love you!”  Helios’s mum said “You had to watch him!  Before you knew it he’d be off again and around someone else’s legs!”  Apollo grew red with embarrassment when he remembered.

There was more than enough food but we had only hired the pub until 3pm so we each headed for home.  Apollo went home and we did the same.  I gave Apollo a hug before we sent him on his way.

The next morning we went back to the funeral home and I took some photos of the family flowers.  I managed to take the photos without crying.

 

It was the next morning when we realised Apollo had sent flowers for the funeral.  What a thoughtful boy.

The rest of our time in the South West was spent going through my father-in-laws items with my mother-in-law.  She gave Helios a number of small items.  My concern is, as always, for them.

Foxy

 

Grief

My father in law died yesterday.  He had prostate cancer.

Cancer has a lot to answer for.  I’ll be off line for a bit while I help where I can.

Foxy

Christmas Break

We had quite a journey to the West Country between Christmas and New Year.  I thought it would be a good idea to take the train – a more relaxing way to travel.  We got there in the end but public transport doesn’t always go to plan.  Our transfer at Reading Station took a lot longer than we’d anticipated and we spent nearly two hours standing in the cold awaiting our next train.  Luckily for us, we hopped on and found a seat where we could – in first class – and stayed there.

Our journey in first class ended at Tiverton Parkway where we took a bus replacement service to Exeter because there was flooding on the rails between Tiverton and Exeter.  Ultimately our journey that should have taken about 4½ hours took nearly 6½.  Understandably, we were pretty tired when we arrived.

My mother in law had a pizza on hand for us together with a wide variety of cakes, sweets, drinks and other food that we may or may not like.  I was reminded of visiting with my mom – who stocks up with enough provisions to feed the Romanian Army when we come to visit!

The next morning we awoke and got ready to see my father in law.  We have to time our visits well because he tends to be easily distracted and has been known to forget to eat.  We were told that the best time to go is 11am.  Thanks to my time with my dad, I feel I have an idea of what to look for in a nursing home.  It’s set in what could be a manor house.  There is a large dining room to the right just inside the front door.  To the left, a few comfy chairs where my father in law was sitting.  It seemed a clean and bright place where the staff smiled when they saw us.

My father in law beamed with a smile when he saw Helios.  It’s clear that he recognised him but was unable to put a name to his face straightaway.  He got my name right though and we were thinking that there is probably a reasonable explanation: he has only known me as an adult whereas he’s known Helios all his life and may be trying to match the mental pictures he has of a child to the adult standing before him.  My father in law was on good form as he was hoisted from his chair and wheeled to the dining room where we could have a visit in private.  While the move was being undertaken, Helios went to his dad’s room.   In the meantime, I sat with my father in law and listened to how much he liked the place and how nice it was festooned with festive paraphernalia.  He loved the attention and I was pleased to be there.

Later that afternoon we met Apollo, Helios’s son.  He’s a lovely kid and I just adore him.  I made sure to tell him how much my mom appreciates him looking in on her every so often.

The next day we visited my father in law again.  I found this visit to be harder because he looks so frail and, as we were going, I couldn’t stop myself thinking: “I may not see you again in this life.”  It’s hard not to adore such a kind-hearted and positive individual.  I fought  back the tears as we were leaving.

That afternoon – perhaps to take our minds off how ill my father  in law is – my mother in law has arranged to see a number of her family at the Conservative Club in town.  Uncle R met us at the flat and walked with us to the Club.  Lucky thing he did, one of the door handles fell apart in Helios’s hand so Uncle R fixed it (with a bit of tin foil in the end) and we were off.

One of the things I love about blokes in families is the lively banter they affectionately give one another.  The teasing can be relentless but it’s never malicious and, I think, is a replacement for the more obvious affection that women give one another.  Well, Helios was being teased something chronic that afternoon but he gave as good as he got.  I couldn’t stop chuckling.  So when they started playing darts, we ladies joined in and had a great time.

That evening we had a Chinese delivered and enjoyed a quiet evening with my mother in law.  It’s unusual for us to spend so much time with her because her flat is too small to comfortably sleep four people.  With her husband in the nursing home, I think she was glad to have company, if only for a couple of days.

The next morning we went to the train station and started our epic journey home.  Luckily the flooding had subsided and the rails repaired so we didn’t have the problem of taking a bus-replacement service near Exeter.  Our connecting trains were all on time and we arrived home in the early evening.  Good thing we had New Years to get ourselves prepared for more work and daily routine.

I hope you had a peaceful Christmas and New Year.

Foxy

Goodbye 2012

Well friends, I cannot let the end of 2012 pass without pondering how it all went.  I have to say, 2012 was a long year.  At the beginning of 2012 I was still rather bloated and in a lot of pain.  I had a laparoscopic surgery in March where I expected endometriosis to be found and cleared.  Unfortunately, a new malady was found and, where possible, cleared.  Fibroids were the cause of my period pain this time.  For treatment I had two choices: I could live with it or I could have a hysterectomy.  It took a couple of weeks to come to a decision but, as soon as I had another period, I knew I had to have a hysterectomy.  I was at wits end and needed to wait three months for relief.

Meanwhile, during my recovery from my first surgery of 2012, I organised to go to the US using the money my father left me.  Emotionally, it was an intense trip.  It’s so hard to do and see and say everything that I want to within just a few days.  Having said that, I had a wonderful time and wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Thanks Dad.

In June we celebrated the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.  I didn’t go to London but I did enjoy all the festivities from the comfort of my own sofa.  Brits don’t normally make a big deal about patriotism but, on this occasion, it was an astounding success.  It made me proud to call England home.

Shortly after the Jubilee, my sister and her boyfriend came to visit.  What a wonderful time we had!  England, despite periodic rain, has rarely looked so lovely.  I did my best to keep up with her but, I’m sorry to say, she has more energy in her little finger than I have in my entire body.

The London Olympics and Paralympics was an amazing experience.  I saw the Olympic Torch go by in person.  My husband and I went to see the Men’s Road Race event in person – because 1) it was reasonably close, 2) we didn’t need tickets and 3) we could say that we were there.  I absolutely loved the whole atmosphere of the country during the Olympics.

The wait continued for my hysterectomy.  Rarely has a mere 3 months felt more like 6 years!  In some ways, the wait was a good thing as I was able to do a number of things to lessen my recovery time overall.  By the time my date arrived I felt fat, bloated and uncomfortable.  I will never forget the sensation of constantly needing the loo –  my uterus was so full of fibroids it was pushing on my bladder and bowel.  They removed 2 kgs of material in my surgery – so I’m not surprised that I was uncomfortable beforehand!  My time in hospital passed without serious incident.   Afterwards I had a nasty stomach bug – which did nothing to shorten my recovery time!  However, the rest of my recovery time passed without incident.

Coming  back to a normal routine and finally feeling better has proved to be more of a struggle than I’d hoped.  After my dad’s birthday this year I’ve had problems with depression.  I think, after all the struggles I’ve had – not to mention two surgeries in the space of just a few months – my body may just be recovering from the various traumas in its own way.  You know how it goes when you’ve been really stressed for a few months and then, as soon as you get the chance to relax, you come down with a cold?  I think my depression may just  be the same sort of thing.  I’ll feel better overall once I get over my “cold”.

Let’s hope that everyone has a happier, healthier 2013!

Happy New Year

Foxy

Holiday

Normally Helios and I stay at home over the Holidays and relax.  However, Helios and I are planning to go to his hometown on 27^th December to see his family.  His father is dreadfully ill.  After several months of him going downhill and going in and out of hospital, and his mom trying to cope with him when he’s out of hospital, he’s finally gone into a nursing home.  His mom sounds a lot more like herself on the phone and his dad is getting the attention he needs.  It has been a struggle since his dad has had a number of infections and is now unable to walk at all.  I think his dad is still losing weight.  Anyway, I am bracing myself for the worst.  We will be coming home the afternoon of 30^th after spending the morning with his mom on her birthday.  I’ve decided we can take the train for the journey – it will be more expensive than driving but I figure Helios and I can focus our attention on one another for the trips (4 hours each way) or read and relax.  I just want to be there for him, you know what I mean?

Foxy

Merry Christmas Everyone

May you have a festive, happy and healthy holiday season!

Foxy

Back in the Saddle

I’ve been holding off telling you about how I got on during my first post-hysterectomy fully-penetrative sexual experience because I’m trying to put my usual (funny I hope) spin on events.  The trouble is that getting back into the saddle proved to be rather serious business.  I mean, I would have felt awkward climbing back on the horse after all this time even without the added complication of ensuring that none of my internal tenderness gets pushed about.

The hospital said that I would be perfectly OK to “climb aboard” between 6 – 8 weeks and we tried a small amount of penetration during the 6^th week with no discomfort.   So just before the 8^th week, I decided I could wait no longer and threw myself at him.

I am delighted to report that all the things I really like about intimacy with Helios are still there.  Everything appears to work and I’ve not been turned inside out during the experience.  However, my stamina isn’t what it was and I asked to stop before I began to feel uncomfortable.  Also, the following day or two I did feel a bit sore – as if someone had been poking a bruise deep inside.  I didn’t bleed, but I was moseying like John Wayne the next day.  It’s a fetching look if high fashion takes a distinctly “redneck” turn.  (!)

To be honest, I probably should have looked at the hospital guidelines and added two weeks.  They’ve got me on some sort of naff “speedy recovery” plan but let’s face it, a body can only recover so quickly after a strenuous surgery!  I still think that, had I only had access to public transport, I would not have been able to manage after only four weeks recovery.  It’s only because my work have been keen to look after me that I’ve had access to a car parking space so close to my office which, in turn, has enabled me to return fully-functioning to work as quickly as I have.  With hindsight, I feel I should have known that waiting just a bit longer would have made the first journey in the saddle a bit more comfortable for me.

As it is, I feel as if I’ve taken a step back because I’m aware of where my cervix is.  That may sound bizarre but I know my body and if I am aware of something, I generally find that it’s not quite right.  This sensation, it’s not discomfort, it’s an awareness of that exact part.  If it were working properly and totally healed, I would have no notice of it.  I would take it for granted.  I think of it like my laptop or my refrigerator – I know it works well and only notice when it’s not.

The plus side is that so far I’ve only had a little spotting for a couple of days about four weeks after my hysterectomy.  I may be expecting more from time to time but I’ve not had more just yet.   I’m still recovering well and am still taking care to pace myself.

Foxy

Will power

Apparently everything is healing nicely.  We’ve not had actual post op penetration but, after a bit of fun, what little discomfort I had when fooling around is now gone.  I’m finally in the position to contemplate “the full Monty”.  You’d think that I would be more mentally wary about the idea of any sort of penetration but I’m married to someone very gentle.  The thought of me being in pain is a turn-off for him.  Although I am not having a problem with desire, and there are times when I simply want to do all the things that I love doing with Helios without waiting a second longer, I’m also in the mood to be cautious.  Given Helios’ gentle nature, I am concerned that he will feel terrible if I experience any pain or discomfort.  I worry that he may never want to be with me again if I rush us in the bedroom.   I know if I pace myself with him everything will go smoothly but I hate waiting.  I may be patient in other areas of my life but not when it concerns Helios.  It’s a good thing he has more will power than I do!

Road to Normal

It’s been just over 7 weeks since my hysterectomy.  While I still feel some discomfort at my wound sites, it is only a minor discomfort.  Now I’m only restricted to not lifting things and intimacy.    Lucky for me, I have plenty of people to help with the heavy lifting and I’m enjoying fooling around as much as something more physical.

I’m still going well at work.  I’m tired but not as exhausted as I was before the surgery.  My days are going more quickly again and I feel my weeks are whizzing  by at the usual blurring pace.  No doubt I’ll pause for about 5 minutes for Christmas break in a day or two…

Foxy