I was back at work as per usual on Tuesday this week. There seemed to be something surreal about being back in my normal routine. I had my annual appraisal at work where they acknowledged how wonderful I am. How could they not? I’m hoping that my good scores will lead to a pay rise. I can hope!
I went to my counsellor on Thursday. The loss of my father-in-law has left me feeling as though there’s another grey cloud around my heart. In talking to her I remembered my father-in-law, a gentleman with a kind heart, and how happy he always appeared. Remembering that I didn’t attend my own father’s funeral, I felt I wanted to do all I could for this one. OK, it won’t make up for missing my dad’s funeral but, considering the circumstance, I have to believe that Dad wouldn’t have wanted me to travel 4000 miles and six time zones away in order to attend a funeral only to quickly hop a flight back home so that I could get back to work in good time. It would have cost me thousands and I would have ended up struggling with jetlag as well as grief.
In my mind I thought if I brought the family together by being at this funeral, that my karma would go some way towards making up for missing my dad’s funeral. I’m not saying that my English family aren’t close, but step families can be difficult. I’m hoping that by being kind, I can keep lines of communication open.
I’m finding my counselling sessions to be a help. I am remembering that I’m only human. I’m remembering not to be too hard on myself. When I feel bad, I send gifts and make people laugh in order to make me feel better. I’m a good person, I just need to remember it.