I’m shaking. I’m not very good at dealing with crowds sometimes and when my fuse is short I wind up wanting to shout at the doddering old dears who block the aisles and back into me and bump me with their trolleys. When my fuse is short I have to keep reminding myself that it’s just my hormones. However, suffering the irretrievably stupid is difficult sometimes!
Mind you, I suspected that I shouldn’t go to the shops today because I was shaking even before I left the flat. Normally the best thing for me when I’m in this kind of state of mind is just sitting down in front of the TV and not doing anything – not even the dishes – because as soon as I do Helios starts to get underfoot (which is unfair on him as the flat is entirely miniscule and at least he’s drying the dishes which is a great help) and I just want to slap him.
So instead of another Star Trek disc, I’ve decided to bore you with tales of my utter frustration. Although my upcoming surgery doesn’t have anything to do with my polycystic ovaries, I keep thinking that if I didn’t have ovaries that my hormones (or lack thereof) will be more evenly distributed throughout the month. However, being on an even keel isn’t so good if the even keel means that I’m still coping with extremely low oestrogen levels. So which is worse, no ovaries and HRT for as long as I can beg it from my doctors or continuing on as I am and taking The Pill to ensure no unwanted pregnancies together with extremely low oestrogen levels because my ovaries are so crap they may as well be thrown in the bin? It’s not as though I’m not on HRT and suffering menopausal symptoms already! I can’t help but think that I would be happier if it was all taken out so that I can start to heal.
My largest issue with a full hysterectomy is sex. This is the subject that leaves me in a terrible quandary. I’m finally in a relationship where I’m not just emotionally but also physically happy and now I’m contemplating changing my body in a way that may effect my desire and the way that I enjoy sex. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have to take The Pill anymore? Won’t it be nice not to get frustrated and short fused for no apparent reason? But will it effect how I enjoy being physical? There are no answers. Oddly, I would be happy to suffer a lot of these symptoms if it means that I still am comfortable in the bedroom. Being physical means that much to me.
Just to be clear, my upcoming surgery isn’t a hysterectomy – I’m actually having a laparoscopy for my endometriosis. I can’t help but think about a hysterectomy, my frustration with my symptoms has brought me to the subject on my own without help from the doctors. It’s not as though the doctors (who to be fair have been trying to help) have been terribly successful in treating all my symptoms. My desperation has led me to the subject and the doctors are now trying to tell me that it’s a drastic solution and, of course, irreversible. It’s not as though I want children! I’m so fed up with the symptoms of both PCOS and endometriosis that I would like to scoop it all out. I’ve had symptoms since I was 12 – that’s 25 years! Is anyone surprised that I’m nearly at wit’s end? Luckily, I have had a promise from one of my gynaecologists that she would give me a hysterectomy if this laparoscopy doesn’t help.
But why am I so shaky today? Is it because I’m worried about the surgery? No. I’ve had laparoscopic surgeries before. I’ve had my pre-assessment at the hospital and I’m relaxed about what I can expect. I am concerned about what they’ll find. Or rather what they won’t find. Sometimes it would be nice to find one problem and they can deal with it rather than finding a number of problems that will need a bit of tinkering to achieve a balance. For example, I keep wondering if my IBS symptoms are interfering with how I feel about my gynaecological symptoms. Or perhaps the endometriosis is affecting my bowels and leaving me with IBS symptoms?
I’m also frustrated that my vaginal burning is so bad today. You know, I thought that it would get a little better when I showered this morning but no. I’ve put my usual cream on but it only helped for about an hour. Now I feel like I’ve got a red-hot poker there. I can’t sit or stand or move comfortably. Why is it that everything is taking so long to sort out? All these symptoms! I’m not convinced that the surgery will take care of all my issues.
I’m not normally so downtrodden. I promise to write something more positive next time.