May you have a festive, happy and healthy holiday season!
May you have a festive, happy and healthy holiday season!
I arrived early for my 8:30 appointment. To be honest, I knew I needed to see the doctor again but didn’t know what I wanted from the appointment. Normally, I have in mind what I want to get out of it and treat it like a business meeting. I have a list of symptoms and have a rough idea of what to expect from each appointment. This time, because I’ve been up and down and am on my second set of prescription anti-depressants, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew I needed something but wasn’t sure what I wanted.
Basically I am still struggling with my emotions – anxiety and depression. I feel down all the time and get apprehensive at the thought of going to work (even though work have been marvellous about supporting me through my health problems) and at the thought of doing anything outside my comfort zone. I was painfully anxious about going to the doctor this morning and found myself wringing my hands in an effort to keep them from feeling sweaty! I was so upset that I found myself feeling desperate for the toilet!
I had noticed that my nausea had subsided a bit over the weekend but returned with a vengeance Sunday afternoon. Taking this into consideration, the doc has given me more of the same tablets in the hope that, if I’m not feeling so anxious, the nausea will disappear. I’m to take 20mg instead of 10mg at night. We think that the current stomach trouble is due to anxiety rather than a side effect of the medication. (Based mainly on how I’m reacting to remaining in my comfort zone.) I’m not exactly delighted but strongly suspect she may be right. I have been asked to attend another follow-up after the holidays and am satisfied that, at the very least, I’m being looked after properly.
As well as upping my tablets, I found a recommended website that I’m finding to be helpful. There are links to books and other standard advice for handling depression and anxiety. I’m not enthusiastic but don’t have much enthusiasm for anything at the moment. It certainly looks good.
As well as seeing the doctor, I picked up the turkey this morning and fought my way through crowds to get some vegetables. I wish I felt more festive. Perhaps the tablets will kick in by New Year?
I did half days most of this week because of my nerves and nausea. I thought I’d finally felt better yesterday afternoon when I found myself bouncing around the room to the jingle of an advert. I was not nauseated and had a brighter outlook. “Finally,” I thought, “I’m more like my old self!” I’m pleased to report that the nausea has come and gone since. I still have it but it’s not quite as fierce as it was. I will still mention it to the doctor when I see her tomorrow.
I will also need to mention the other end of my digestive system. Not good!
I’m having a strange side-effect: I’m sweating. My feet and hands are permanently wet at the moment. At first I thought it was my shoes so at work I went back to wearing an older pair, sure enough, my feet were still wet and cold. I have it at home as well. I seem to get warm and then I’m back to ice cold because my feet sweat so much. Yuk!
As well as anti-depressants, I’ve been taking Rescue Remedy in the hopes that it will help keep my nerves calm. I will admit that some days it helps more than others.
I think the side-effects aren’t helping my mental attitude. It’s true that I am feeling brighter and more capable but at the same time I’m also feeling uncomfortable and unsure. I’ll be sure to mention all this to the doctor. With luck she will be able to either give me something more suitable or suggest something else that I can be doing.
The only thing that appears to have not changed since I started displaying symptoms is… (drum roll please) my sex drive. I still cannot believe how much my hysterectomy has effected my desire for my husband. I could happily jump his bones with a little more regularity but I may just wear him out if I’m not careful! Luckily he doesn’t complain much. He actually lets me catch him when I chase him around the bedroom so I don’t think I’m at risk of damaging him yet.
Speaking of my husband, after reading my blog he pulled me aside and gave me a few homes truths. He said he was grateful when I said that I didn’t want to have children. He is delighted with the kids he has but didn’t particularly want more. Had we met earlier in our lives, perhaps we would have had kids, perhaps we wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter now. What matters is that I’m healthy and happy. Carrying around guilt for something that is out of my control is unhealthy. Then, he shook his finger at me and said in a stern voice “So stop it!”
The nice thing about my husband is that I’ve never felt any pressure from him to be anything but myself. In such a calm and nurturing environment, I’ve been able to let go some of the things that have plagued me. I no longer feel guilty for the wrongs I committed during my first marriage. I no longer feel as though I’m not living up to my potential in my career. For the first time in my life I am content and it’s something that I am enjoying. Now if only I could stop fretting, sweating and feeling nauseated…
At work some people are kindly asking how I’m feeling. I’m still nauseated. I’m not struggling with how to answer but I am struggling with my emotions when they ask. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve not been crying. Quite the contrary, I felt nothing when one of the girls asked after me. I coyly said that my symptoms were caused by tablets and I’m going back to the doctor for it. When she asked if it was another gynaecological problem and I had to say no. She laughed and said that “Foxy, you’re a wreck!” I laughed but felt nothing. I told her one of these days one of my legs would fall off. She said “And you’d smile about it too.” I smiled but felt nothing. I could have done with being able to cry or be picked up by these comments (and I’d like to say how lovely everyone is that I work with) but I’ve felt nothing.
I think what I’ll do is stop taking the anti-depressants. I have a follow-up with the GP on Monday and will ask for something other than drugs. Maybe St John’s Wort will be a better choice for me? Maybe I could do with some counselling? I’ll speak to the GP about it all and hopefully I’ll start to feel better in the new year.
I wish I had a better update but I only managed a half day at work today. I’m still feeling nauseated but, what’s worse is I’m feeling down again. There’s a cloud around my heart. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to go anywhere. Even Beatles Tunes aren’t lifting my spirits.
I’m trying not to feel guilty for not feeling Christmasy. I just know that sometime in February I’ll finally start to feel like Christmas and I’ll have missed it.
I am going to bed.
Last night I felt I barely slept. I went to bed at 8:30 and drifted off quickly. I woke up at 2am and was still awake at 6am. When the time came for me to get up I felt I couldn’t possibly have managed to get dressed, much less go to work. I stayed home. I’m exhausted and so nauseated that I’m wondering if I’ll get an ulcer. Perhaps all I really need is for the first anti-depressant to work its way through my system? Fingers crossed I’ll feel better tomorrow!
I finally started to feel a bit brighter. Much more my old self. I was able to work without my recent anxiety. Then, on Friday, I started to feel a bit sick. I’ve been nauseated all weekend. I dragged myself to work but felt so awful with nausea that I went home after just a couple of hours. Am I losing weight? Well, that can’t be a bad thing… but I feel so rough I can barely stand upright. Looking at my anti-depressants, nausea is a common side effect so I have a GP appointment at 5pm today. I’m hoping that I’ll feel better with a different anti-depressant.