Dreams help us make sense of the waking world around us. Some people believe that dreams are the windows onto other dimensions, but I’ve got a much more down-to-earth view of them. I think that dreams are metaphors of your waking life.
For instance, I woke up this morning in a bit of a terror. I had been dreaming that I was in an office building with three floors. There were windows across from the open elevator. Now, when I say the elevator was open, I mean that there were only thin bars around the standing area and the buttons for the floors were on one of these bars. There was no protective glass to contain the people. I was standing to the right side and slightly away from the buttons, holding the bar with my right hand. I could see my reflection in the slightly bronzed mirror. I think I may have been preparing for an interview? I must have pushed the wrong button because I went straight to the top.
The problem grew as the floors passed. There were only floors at ground and first floor level. I wound up suspended in the air not quite near enough to the buttons to get me to a safe level and I found myself gazing in the mirrors. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get back down. I clutched the right hand bar and tried not to look down… I was shaking when I woke up.
Objectively, I know what this is about. I am still terrified, even though I don’t let myself feel it during my waking hours, that I will find a job and I will be able to make ends meet. I know for the moment my savings is keeping me afloat but I’d obviously be happier stopping off at the right floor of that office building and starting work rather than be left hanging!
I was wondering if I should take the opportunity to re-train as something else. Trouble is that I would need to know what direction to go in, and above a certain amount of money in order to keep the roof over my head. I’ve thought about teaching, palm reading, gardening, wedding planning and at one point I was considering creative writing for a living – or at least adding to my pocket while I’m looking for a full-time job. I know it’s a strange mixture of professions (if you can call palm reading a profession!) but I thought I may as well consider everything – no matter how odd!
(As an aside, and because I know my mother worries, Helios does contribute to the household. I don’t want any of you thinking that he’s taking advantage of me! He’s always contributed to the household and I’m only worried about the rest of the household bills. I won’t go bankrupt anytime soon because I still have money in my savings account, but I’d obviously feel more comfortable with a job!)
So, I’m back to looking for an office job. The good news is that the Summer Holiday season is nearly upon us and I expect I’ll at least get temp work over the summer holidays. The agency I visited yesterday said that they should be able to find me some work – even if it’s not permanent – because the market seems to be picking up again and temps are the first to feel the uptake in the market. So, I’ve got everything crossed and I’m hoping I’m not left dangling in the air!
In other news, I have been busy staying out of trouble. My energy levels are much more than they were. I have been cooking and cleaning and washing the laundry and I’m happier about keeping positive. Oh, this doesn’t mean I don’t have darker days. But for the most part I’m feeling brighter. I think I’ve always been a happy soul and it’s nice to feel like my old self again.
Now that I’m basically concentrating on treating my endometriosis symptoms, my PCOS symptoms have come back. My endo treatment consists of running my birth control pill packs together and having fewer periods per year. I’m still on my insulin resistant diet – lower carbs and higher veg and protein. I am allowed a serving or two of fruit per day but by in large I need my vitamins from the veg. (YES Mom, I am also taking a multi-vitamin every day with breakfast!) More recently I started taking Prozac and another anti-depressant to help me get to sleep at night. The sleeplessness is a PCOS symptom.
Normally the treatment for PCOS is HRT to add oestrogen to my body that’s lacking due to the cysts on my ovaries. I tried HRT but it fed my endometriosis and I had to have another laparoscopy back in November. So, now I’m trying to ignore my PCOS symptoms including the sleeplessness and dark hair in places a girl doesn’t want hair. I’ve also got the beginnings of a decent bald patch at the back of my head – I’m totally covered at the moment but am much thinner than I was. Finally, my vaginal burning hasn’t been too bad recently. I think I get that when I stray from my strict diet. I can’t tell you why there’s a link there, I’ve just found that when I take a little too much carbohydrate, I get the familiar pain…
While I know that I will never feel as healthy as I did in my 20s, I’m managing my symptoms as best I can. I think I need to be realistic about my body and be grateful that my good days are still outnumbering the bad!