Virginity, Relationships and Marriage

My mom sent me the below link:


I think that the question it raises is valid: why shouldn’t sex be seen as a natural and healthy part of a loving relationship?  Sure, you can save yourself for marriage, but that doesn’t mean that you will have a loving and long-lasting marriage!  It sounds to me like women are being sold a line – sex will save your marriage.  Think about it.  Logically women are being told that if you save yourself for marriage, then you will have a happy, long-lasting relationship.  If all depends on saving yourself for this life-long commitment and then all will be sweetness and light as soon as you say “I do”.  But, if it’s not then the way to keep a commitment going is to continue having sex because that’s the promise you made, to yourself, to God and to your husband!


Trouble is, after “I do” life goes on, it doesn’t end with happily ever after.  The relationship, if you’re extremely lucky, is a loving, honest and happy one from the start and sex only deepens the feelings you have for one another.  If you’re unlucky, you end up in a relationship you don’t feel comfortable in and you resent the obligation of sex. 


Sex is a natural bodily process that strengthens a good relationship.  I believe sex can be representative of how well a relationship can work: you have to be honest but tactful in your communication, feeling free to say “yes” or “no” or “That’s good” or “I prefer that”.  You have to have respect for the other person and listen to what’s being said.  Finally, you have to be able to laugh during The Act.  Sex, like life in general, is far too important to be taken seriously.


Children are not being told how best to respect their other halves.  Children are not being told what to look out for in a good relationship – i.e. honesty, respectful communication, laughter, friendship – they are only being told to save themselves for their marriage.  This can build up an unrealistic view of what sex can do for a relationship.  In reality, sex can make a good relationship even better.  Conversely, it can make an OK relationship quite dire indeed.


Finally, I will say that Ramman rarely used the word “sex”.  He simply called it the “gastly business”.  Sex is NOT icky, disgusting, or demeaning.  I think his attitude was influenced by people who have unnatural and unhealthy attitudes toward sex.




6 thoughts on “Virginity, Relationships and Marriage

  1. I think it harkens back to the days when men wanted guarantees that their wives gave birth to their children. and not another man’s. Women being virgins assured men of that. Once wed, if the man left for war he would lock her in a chastity belt. No trust for her, but his DNA was scattered to the edges of the earth!

    I remember a line from “Out of Africa”, where the man said that he hates criticism, so he would have to marry a virgin. Men have always wanted to be sure of their sexual prowess and masculinity, but not actually knowing if they are good, they rely on the woman to accept their word. The way to be sure their mate hasn’t anyone to compare him to is for her to be inexperienced/a virgin.

    Times change, but these old customs do not. I assume most people don’t even think about how it came to be and why it’s out-dated. The double standard has always been the man should be experienced and the woman should be a virgin. That kept birthright and inheritance pure. These days with blended families, adoption and step-children, it doesn’t matter, but the “purity myth” for women persists.

    Of course, sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies are a huge consideration so our children should be taught protected sex. The problem isn’t that we are having sex, it’s that we are having unprotected sex. That’s what needs to be taught. Not abstinence.

  2. Though we live in the 21st century there still are reminiscences of the fact that women have to have sex only after marriage. It might be rigth for somebody, but due to the fact that sex has an important value in the relationships I guess that not having sex will not work.

    Sex is an important component in a relationship, it’s the point that woths getting too.

  3. Linda,

    I couldn’t agree more. Oh sure, in an ideal world abstinence is the best way to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies BUT on this planet safe sex needs to be emphasized together with a healthy attitude towards sex. I can’t help but think that these girls who are saving themselves will end up with an unrealistic view of sex – which can only lead to difficulties in relationships later on in life.

    Thanks for your comment!


  4. Sugardaddydating,

    Thanks for reading my blog and for your enlightened comment. I agree that saving yourself for marriage might be right for a number of people, but my concern is the attitude it fosters. Are these women having happy relationships after saving themselves or have they built up sex in their minds as something that it’s not?


  5. I’m not sure about that.

    I don’t think that in this kind of relationships sex is the main point at least for one of the partners, besides not having sex equals to no expirience and that what most guys like, the better you are doing the longer will be the relationship and still that’s just in those relationship where sex is the main point.

    As I said earlier, sex got a really good place in a relarionship.

  6. Sugardaddy,

    I agree. I’m not into going around with many different blokes. I’m into my relationship – and I’m finally in a relationship that I think will last me the rest of my life! So yes. Sex is an important part of a relationship.


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