It was 20 years ago…
Mom kindly made me feel absolutely ancient the other day when she sent me an email reminder for my 20th Class Reunion.
I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that I’m 20 years older and the best years of my health are behind me or realising just how much potential I used to have and how I’ve squandered it over the years…
But let’s not focus on the negative. I also have been wondering about the people I used to know back then – boyfriend, friends and family. I think about what I used to do and what I used to want from life: priorities and goals. I sometimes wonder if anyone from my class would be interested to hear from me (Am I conceited in thinking this?) There are only a select few that I really want to know about.
Back then I was madly in love with my first fiancée. His saving grace was that he was good in bed. Perhaps that’s why I stayed with him for as long as I did? I adored him and let him run my life. In the end I left him before we got married, not because I’d met someone else but because he wanted me to be just like him. In the end I hated that. Of course now it seems so long ago that I wonder if it all happened to someone else – or maybe I read it in a book? No it was me. I know I learned a lot from the relationship so I can’t complain how things turned out. It was hard at the time – but then what isn’t hard?
20 years ago I was finishing off high school and looking forward to a successful college career. I wanted to become a teacher and I was focused on that. I even volunteered at a local school in my spare time.
Now I feel as though all my potential is gone. I am unable to have a fruitful career due to my continuing health issues, I can’t change career because it’s too expensive – I won’t be able to afford my mortgage. I couldn’t have children (financially as well as physically) even if I wanted them. All my original plans have been torn apart and thrown in the bin. For a number of years I regretted not becoming a teacher but these days I find I don’t have the patience or energy that I used to. I don’t think I could cope with it now. I expect it would be too difficult for me – considering how tired I am all the time.
So, ultimately I’m happy with the way things have turned out. I’m in a great relationship in a lovely flat in a great location. I feel lucky. I take great delight in counting my blessings. I suppose that’s the bit of my personality that hasn’t changed over the past 20 years – I enjoy looking on the bright side of life.