I met my first husband at 23 and moved to England and remained married for 11 years. My ex never seemed to want sex and I tried everything I could think of to get him interested. Once I caressed his leg and moved a little to make it obvious that I was in the mood and he said to me “Do you have to be so masculine?” (!) Well that put me off, I tell you!
The time that lapsed between intimacy grew and grew and, in the end, I talked to him about it because we were averaging once every 5 or 6 months. Now, I don’t want to sound like sex is the only thing in marriage BUT I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want sex once or twice a week.
What I was suffering was neglect – not just sexually. He was obsessed with becoming a Director of a “blue chip” company before he was 30 and focused so much on his career that, more than once, in order for me to see him at a weekend I went to his office and slept on the floor.
He was also obsessed with making money so that we could have a large enough house for our 3 children (that we never got around to having because the house was always such a building site and when we did start to try to have children I just had miscarriages). The building work was so bad that we didn’t have a working kitchen for 10 months at one point – I washed the dishes in a small bathroom sink. I had a working kettle, toaster and microwave. That was it. We bought that house in July 1998 and didn’t move in until April 1999. The house wasn’t complete when we moved in. I thought of leaving him for years but there just never seemed to be a good time to do it. There was always some drama or the like where I felt obligated to stick it out just a little longer… During the divorce, he wanted to keep the house. I couldn’t work out why I would make him sell it – money is all that he loves so he should have as much of it as he can get his grubby hands on. Leave me out of it. I have other priorities. Even now, Ramman is still there trying to finish that house! I suppose it’s little wonder that after several years I found myself wishing for someone to be intimate with – just to feel a bit more like a woman. I realise now what I really needed was a friend.
I was friends with Helios (my current husband) for a number of years when he worked in the same company but a different office. I realised I had feelings for him before I met him in person. He and I talked regularly on the phone and over about 3 years I got to know him well, so yes, it is possible. Ultimately there came a point when I knew I had to change to be happy – whether or not Helios was interested in me. I felt I had to leave Ramman or else I would lose my sanity. Life got very complicated for me for a number of months. I even went to marriage counselling before we finally agreed on a divorce. In the meantime, I was seeing Helios on the side. I knew that what I was doing was wrong but for the first time in my life I was happy and I didn’t care because I made him happy too.
Luckily Ramman and I decided that we should remain friends. I make the effort not just to honour the years we had together but also because I still respect him – even if I don’t love him. I see him from time to time now and I find that now I can say things to him that I couldn’t say to him when we were married. For instance, he said to me that he was thinking of buying some land and building another house when he’s finally finished with this one (!) to which I said “I’m so glad I don’t live with you anymore!”