After a little time at home I feel a bit better. I’m still a little sore but the worst bit is that I have gone a bit depressed. I went back to work yesterday. I got there and sat down at my desk and cried. I couldn’t stop crying so the HR woman took me home again immediately. I then went back to my GP later on. I hate to admit this, but I’ve been signed off sick and I won’t be back to work before 5th January!
Physically I’m still tired and am suffering from internal bruising. I feel sore but can sleep almost comfortably – I’m dreaming wildly and having a hard time drifting off probably because I keep thinking about work. I cannot wear a pair of jeans: jeans push too hard on my bellybutton when I sit down.
I’ve not had sex since the operation and I’ve not missed it – which is unusual for me. I like to be physical on average once or twice a week. I’m just too uncomfortable to even contemplate it. I keep getting sharp pains in my cervix. I am constantly exhausted.
So I’m sitting here until after Christmas. I feel a failure. Now I know there’s no need to feel a failure but it doesn’t stop me doing it. You know how much I like raking myself over the coals. The good news is that I only seem to cry when I think about work so to me that means I need a new job.
It’s a real shame because I like the company, the location couldn’t be more convenient, the money is good, the hours are fine but the pressure and stress is very difficult. I find the work too difficult. I cannot seem to concentrate. I’m intelligent enough, but find concentration so difficult that I make silly mistakes or I forget to do things. I frequently feel almost drunk with the inability to hold my head on. I blame the Endometriosis. I wasn’t like this in my 20s.
Beyond that I’m trying to keep busy. I’m also watching a small backlog of movies that I’ve been meaning to see. Shame I’m not sleeping… I’m also writing my blog, sending off Christmas cards, taking the time that I never seem to have to take care of things like shredding old documents, updating Helios’ ipod, and having a darn good tidy. Most would say that it is hard to live in such a small flat with anyone but it’s actually very easy – aside from the fact that there is no room to be messy. We don’t have a dining room. We eat every night on our laps in front of the TV. We regularly go through our belongings (twice yearly) in order to make room for new stuff. Despite the mess, I say that it’s easy to live with Helios. I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else.