I still feel a little like a bowling ball – three holes, the larger thumb hole in my belly button and the other two further South! However, the good news is that I can now lay on my sides again – but only for a short time. It’s the belly button that hurts. I still have a sharp pull at my belly button. It doesn’t hurt – it’s just a very uncomfortable pull. The other problem with my belly button is that it feels like someone has kicked me right there. I think I’m still bruised. Did the surgeon stand on my belly to get his implements in there or what?
I’m still walking around the flat like an 80 year old but I get taller and taller as the days go by. The worst bit is being tired all the time. I slept and slept and slept (with extremely vivid dreams – as always) when I first arrived home. My body isn’t quite right just yet. I fear the surgery hasn’t entirely fixed me – but then that’s to be expected.
I also finally had a movement. You know what I mean when I say Movement. It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. I learned the hard way that the best thing to do is to take a mild laxative to keep things moving: after my first surgery in 2005 I took three days to get back onto the toilet in a meaningful way and I nearly passed out from the three hour effort! Not the sort of thing you want to do when you’ve got holes in your belly!
The worst thing is that I thought I’d be able to sleep this week – you know, catch up since I rarely sleep well. Instead I normally drift off after midnight or 1 a.m. and still wake up at the normal time (7ish). It’s little wonder I feel woolly headed and want a nap in the middle of the afternoon. My head rolls around on my neck, my eyes roll in my head and I feel slightly drunk. It’s awful when you really need to concentrate for your job and you don’t see the obvious mistakes in your email to the Director of All that is My Company. I expect they thought that this surgery would have helped me but, if today is anything to go by, I’ll be fired by Christmas.
One thing that life has taught me, ladies, is that there will always be a thing in your life that could be better. Usually at exactly the same point in time there is a thing in your life that couldn’t be better. Life is about balance and the balance is there to help us appreciate the goodness in our lives.
For me the bad side of life is work. Work for me over the past few years hasn’t been great. It’s hard to explain to employers the extent to which my maladies effect my well being – and difficult to point to something and say “Please be patient” because I’m not bleeding from the eyes. Sometimes I hide the extent of my problems for fear of my job. Oh sure, employers can see my monthly agony but no employer wants to give so much sick leave even though I’ve needed it. They don’t want me in the office when I’m like that (and let’s be fair, I’m no good to anyone when I’m like that) but before my surgery I had far too much sick leave – I’ve filled my quota for the year!
Pants. I expect this means I need to look for another job. This would be good because it will give me another clean slate but it will take 3 months for me to get my benefits again, which means that I need to try and see my private doctors as much as needed after my surgery but before I lose that benefit for 3 months. I want a job that I can mentally cope with. My frustration is unbelievable because I’m university educated, I love learning, I need a challenge, I need to be kept busy but when I go woolly headed I can only perform the most menial of tasks. Not project work with goals, reports, minutes and lots of customer contact – tasks. Copy typing and answering the telephone. Things that I can do on auto-pilot.
I hate my body.
At the same time I’m the luckiest woman on the planet. I’ve got a great guy who is the most supportive I’ve ever known. Helios is strong and handsome and sexy. While he is tender and gentle with me, he’s as fierce as a forest fire when defending himself or anyone else he loves. Our home is my sanctuary from the rest of the world and I never contemplate my short-comings when he’s around. He simply doesn’t allow it. After years of feeling mediocre as a woman, he has helped me feel attractive, intelligent and even sexy. After years with Ramman, who really didn’t suit me, I am in the position of appreciating everything Helios does for me. I’m even grateful for all those unhappy years with Ramman too for giving me perspective. I am content.
OK so I’ll be looking for another job and, no doubt, I’ll find something decent eventually. We all have to focus on the positive.